• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Before Header

  • About Us
  • Lexicon
  • Contact Us
  • Our Store
  • ↑
  • ↓
  • ←
  • →

Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Republicans do not trust women.

Not all heroes wear capes.

It is not hopeless, and we are not helpless.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

The willow is too close to the house.

Disappointing to see gov. newsom with his finger to the wind.

So many bastards, so little time.

Books are my comfort food!

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

I swear, each month of 2025 will have its own history degree.

Baby steps, because the Republican Party is full of angry babies.

You cannot shame the shameless.

When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty. ~Thomas Jefferson

Celebrate the fucking wins.

Republicans in disarray!

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

If you don’t believe freedom is for everybody, then the thing you love isn’t freedom, it is privilege.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

Wake up. Grow up. Get in the fight.

If America since Jan 2025 hasn’t broken your heart, you haven’t loved her enough.

The rest of the comments were smacking Boebert like she was a piñata.

Sadly, media malpractice has become standard practice.

Mobile Menu

  • Seattle Meet-up Post
  • 2025 Activism
  • Targeted Political Fundraising
  • Donate with Venmo, Zelle & PayPal
  • Site Feedback
  • War in Ukraine
  • Submit Photos to On the Road
  • Politics
  • On The Road
  • Open Threads
  • Topics
  • COVID-19
  • Authors
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Lexicon
  • Our Store
  • Politics
  • Open Threads
  • 2025 Activism
  • Garden Chats
  • On The Road
  • Targeted Fundraising!
You are here: Home / Humorous / Open Thread: Onion News Network!

Open Thread: Onion News Network!

by Anne Laurie|  November 26, 201010:24 pm| 41 Comments

This post is in: Humorous, Open Threads

FacebookTweetEmail

Some years ago, before the internets, humorist Dave Barry wrote a column about dealing with the humor-impaired. The humor-impaired, he explained, were not the people who greeted Barry’s assertion that Richard M. Nixon was sufficiently immune to contemporary standards of humor that he wore electrified underpants so that his aides could signal him when to laugh at others’ jokes by (a) laughing at Nixon’s defective sense of humor; or (b) complaining that anyone who made fun of Nixon’s underwear was anti-American and probably a pervert, too. The humor-impaired were those individuals who wrote letters to the papers where Barry’s column appeared, explaining that actually Nixon’s aides used hand signals… not to mention those unfortunates who wanted to know where they could buy their own electrified underwear.

Angry Black Lady, in her recent post, pointed out how many of Fox’s readers (not to mention employees) are humor-impaired. In response, commentor Trollhattan alerts us to the upcoming Onion News Network:


Onion News Network – Coming To IFC January 21
__

… Able to seamlessly segue from a grisly death to a cute animal story in the blink of a stunningly beautiful eye, Brooke Alvarez anchors “FactZone” with the help of her eager-to-please co-host Tucker Hope, the recipient of several industry awards for skilled manipulation of his high-tech touch-screen monitor, The Recon Wall 4000. Together they tackle important stories like “Kim Jong Il Shuts Down North Korean Nuclear Program In Exchange For Lead Role In Next Batman Film” and “Supreme Court Repeals Annoying Loudmouth’s First Amendment Rights.”

A ray of hope at the end of the dark holiday tunnel of idiot relatives and co-workers recycling the latest Koch-sucker lies…

(via Mediabistro)

FacebookTweetEmail
Previous Post: « Fox Nation Posts Excerpt from an Article Published by The Onion; Is an Asshat
Next Post: Newspapers »

Reader Interactions

41Comments

  1. 1.

    BGinCHI

    November 26, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Countdown until Richard Cohen is “concerned” about the effects this might have on youth/serious news/Western Civilization/his 401K.

  2. 2.

    burnspbesq

    November 26, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Having a very fun day in Portland. Meanwhile, Australia is starting to dominate England in the first Ashes test, thanks to an epic 180-run stand by Michael Hussey and Brad Haddin.

  3. 3.

    Cat Lady

    November 26, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Maybe ONN is the antidote to Fox – point and laugh at their idiotic viewers and their cluelessness, 24/7. It could be Stewart without the self conscious ironic shtick. This could work for everyone who’s under the age of 60, and non-Fox-zombified.

    @BGinCHI:
    All hacks on the Salon list should be referred to by their number. Cohen should henceforth be referred to as Hack #1, in honor of Pareene’s yeoman effort.

  4. 4.

    sherifffruitfly

    November 26, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    The primary prerequisite for the very concept of humor is generally *caring* about the difference between truth and falsity. This background of caring about that difference is what makes being alethically yanked around fun.

    republican-minded folks simply don’t care about the difference between truth and falsity. Therefore the typical techniques of humor fail to have their typical outcome with such people. Thus the normal concept of humor simply isn’t available to them. The closest cousin to it that they have is the concept of laughing at people (generally who are in pain of some sort).

    And while I’m here, let us all fondly note the best ONN video EVAH:

    http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt,14309/

  5. 5.

    BGinCHI

    November 26, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    @Cat Lady: How about Dick Hack1.

    But Halperin, as the ultimate Beltway insider, should really be called the Village Idiot.

  6. 6.

    Cat Lady

    November 26, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    @BGinCHI:

    In a Village full of idiots, I think it helps to rank them. Think BCS. Since Pareene’s already done the heavy lifting, referring to Hack #2 conveys the epicness of the FAIL. It would be awesome to have the hacks have their names taken away from them and replaced with hack numbers. It’s the ultimate in dissing.

  7. 7.

    Yutsano

    November 26, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Tacos de pollo. Nom.

    Also: GO BRONCS!!

  8. 8.

    Malovich

    November 26, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Dear god, this is brilliant.

  9. 9.

    Ruckus

    November 26, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    The perfect answer to the TSA crap.
    Non Sequitur

    Might not work so well in cold weather.

  10. 10.

    Andy K

    November 27, 2010 at 12:09 am

    One of the first ONN vids, and still my favorite:
    Do You Remember Life Before the Segway?

  11. 11.

    Luthe

    November 27, 2010 at 12:10 am

    @Cat Lady:

    Better idea: Google-bomb the hacks. Every time you mention Mark Halperin, link back to his spot on the hack list. Do this with all the others, too.

  12. 12.

    kdaug

    November 27, 2010 at 12:23 am

    @Luthe:
    Brilliant.

    I’m not a huge Salon fan, and don’t have any particular interest in driving up their numbers, but let’s not limit this just to Halperin.

    Each and every one of the cocksuckers (I’m partial to Broder, Jokeline, Friedman, and Doughy-Pantsload myself) should be linked back to their own impartial, objective, and unbiased bios.

    Let the maiming of the fee-fees BEGIN!

  13. 13.

    burnspbesq

    November 27, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Wow. Australia is just beating the crap out of England. This isn’t cricket, it’s a mugging.

  14. 14.

    General Stuck

    November 27, 2010 at 12:49 am

    A U.S. Border Patrol spokesman says country singer Willie Nelson was charged with marijuana possession after 6 ounces was found aboard his tour bus in Texas.

    lordy sakes, what’s the world coming to. Arresting Willie Nelson for pot possession is like arresting the Pope for celebrating Vespers.

  15. 15.

    BGinCHI

    November 27, 2010 at 12:54 am

    @General Stuck: Except the Pope doesn’t get the munchies.

    Or does he?

  16. 16.

    Linkmeister

    November 27, 2010 at 12:56 am

    Whitepages.com sez “There are 6 people with the name Brooke Alvarez in the United States.”

    Hmm. An opportunity, perhaps?

    “Hello? Onion News Network. May I help you?”

    “Yes. My name is Brooke Alvarez. I’m your new anchor.”

    “Yes? Whom would you like to speak with, Ms. Alvarez?”

    “The director of the News Department, please.”

    And so on. Oh, the possibilities!

  17. 17.

    asiangrrlMN

    November 27, 2010 at 12:57 am

    OK. Just gonna put it out there. I don’t find the Onion funny any more. I half-smiled once while watching this clip. I think all the idiocy of the world has finally worn me down.

  18. 18.

    RadioOne

    November 27, 2010 at 12:58 am

    @Cat Lady: I don’t get it, why would the Onion be the antidote to Fox? I mean, everyone who already reads the Onion laughs at Fox pretty much 24/7…

    I think NPR and all the other news outlets out their offering sane domestic news and comprehensive foreign news are the real antidotes to Fox. They still exist, and they still do their jobs. And they still want to make news.

  19. 19.

    Allan

    November 27, 2010 at 1:02 am

    That Friedman pic really screams Stop Making That Duckface.

  20. 20.

    Andy K

    November 27, 2010 at 1:03 am

    @BGinCHI:

    Who knew the Body of Christ comes in nacho cheese and cool ranch flavors?

  21. 21.

    Yutsano

    November 27, 2010 at 1:05 am

    @asiangrrlMN: I never considered the Onion all that amusing ever. I guess it’s just my style of humor, it doesn’t quite mesh with theirs.

  22. 22.

    BGinCHI

    November 27, 2010 at 1:08 am

    @Andy K: The real guilt comes when he eats the Jalapeno Satan Spice.

    And you know the Pope knows the words to Pancho & Lefty.

  23. 23.

    Uloborus

    November 27, 2010 at 1:21 am

    @RadioOne:
    Actually, I think it might. It has to do with the bully mentality. Bullies *hate* to be laughed at. It’s all about power and threat to them, and if they’re being laughed at they’ve lost and no one is afraid of them. In that binary mindset you can only be a winner or a loser, and it makes them feel like a loser. Notice how so many bullying techniques boil down to finding an incredibly thin excuse to laugh at someone.

  24. 24.

    fucen tarmal

    November 27, 2010 at 1:27 am

    its not a cock ring, its a shock ring!

    i take offense at being labelled an unfortunate, you don’t know until you’ve tried.(humor impaired irony intended)

  25. 25.

    Belvoir

    November 27, 2010 at 1:27 am

    Speaking of hacktastic media, I loved this newsletter from our corporate overlords via ABC News. Apparently very many educated former professionals are competing to become Wal-Mart greeters and such. Amazon had the kindness to provide parking for their fullfillment center in Arkansas so workers can sleep between their ten-hour shifts, for ten bucks an hour.

    And this shit is meant to be upbeat, good news! Retailers have their pick of educated professionals who are humiliated into taking these seasonal, temporary jobs. And if they’re very, very good, Like Santa says, they might even still have a way to feed their families in January!

    Promises, promises. And ABC has the balls to title this, “Holiday Gift”.

    http://abcnews.go.com/Business/black-friday-retail-workers-working-thanksgiving-day/story?id=12251758

  26. 26.

    gwangung

    November 27, 2010 at 2:01 am

    Dang. Couldn’t the underdog win in the EARLIER games?

    But a pretty wild Boise State-Nevada game.

  27. 27.

    Suffern ACE

    November 27, 2010 at 2:34 am

    @Belvoir: I guess jobs that would pro-rate to 20,000 full time are the new “lucky ducky” jobs. By next Christmas, the fact that the Little Match Girl makes it almost to the end of the story will be seen as a triumph of unrealistic optimism.

  28. 28.

    MikeJ

    November 27, 2010 at 3:29 am

    @Yutsano: The Onion has great headlines. After that you don’t really need the rest of the joke. When reading it it’s easy enough to skip it, but the video version just seems like it’s wasting my time.

  29. 29.

    Arclite

    November 27, 2010 at 4:04 am

    Here’s my question:

    How does The Onion afford what they do? The production values on their videos is so good: the professional sounding actors, the pitch-perfect stories, the talented writers, the slick graphics, the sets, all that stuff costs money.

    The only ads on their site is their own stuff. It seems mathematically unlikely they are self sustaining. I think they have a sponsor, and I think that Glenn Beck was at least partially right: George Soros indeed is trying to take over the world, the world of political satire, that is. HE must be funding The Onion!

    Seriously, if anyone can explain to me how The Onion is able to afford to produce what it does, I’d appreciate it as it has been something I’ve been wondering for some years now.

  30. 30.

    SiubhanDuinne

    November 27, 2010 at 5:29 am

    The co-hosts’ names alone — Brooke Alvarez and Tucker Hope — are sheer perfection. CNN has to be writhing in mortified anticipation.

    (Or, I should say, they *would* be, except I’m pretty sure they’re every bit as satire-impaired as Fox and probably don’t appreciate that ONN is directed at them as well.)

  31. 31.

    Alex S.

    November 27, 2010 at 7:04 am

    @Arclite:

    It’s the invisible hand. We have the demand, thus the supply appears magically.

  32. 32.

    David

    November 27, 2010 at 7:56 am

    Anyone remember this Onion gem:

    Bush picks White House counsel for Supreme Court

    ❛ President Bush nominated White House counsel Harriet Miers on Monday to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. ❜

    . . .

  33. 33.

    David

    November 27, 2010 at 8:21 am

    ❛Beck then went on to state that the Chinese “control the world.”

    Did Sarah Palin, would-be leader of the United States, disagree with any of this? Nope.

    Palin’s verbatim response: “Well, that’s right.”

    For Beck’s (and apparently Palin’s*) version of reality to be accurate, of course, these four logical conditions must also be true:❜

    . . .

    http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/26/glenn-beck-believes.html

  34. 34.

    GeorgeSalt

    November 27, 2010 at 8:43 am

    @Belvoir:

    About a week or two ago, ABC News with Diane Sawyer ran a piece about some 70-year old guy who used to be an advertising executive but was now working as a Starbucks barista. And this was presented as a feel-good story — his employer offers a healthcare plan! It was really weird. I think the news media is deliberately trying to re-engineer our expectations.

  35. 35.

    WereBear

    November 27, 2010 at 9:09 am

    I do love the Onion, and it’s the headlines that make it; the articles themselves, while very funny, are often the frosting on the cake.

    Sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry:

    Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

  36. 36.

    WyldPirate

    November 27, 2010 at 9:26 am

    @WereBear:

    Damn. I just looked that article up to post it.

    What is so sad about that article is that it is so prescient because it was published three fucking days before Dubya’s inauguration in 2001.

    Talk about satire becoming reality….

    From WereBears’s link:

    “During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

    “You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?”

    On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.”

  37. 37.

    Jim, Once

    November 27, 2010 at 9:39 am

    @sherifffruitfly:
    Thank you. That went to all the IT folk in my family.

  38. 38.

    gil mann

    November 27, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Guys, seriously, go back and read The Onion’s post-9/11 coverage, then read anything the Times or The Post was doing at the time. Credibility advantage: satire. I still remember one bit almost verbatim–

    Point: Invading Iraq will destabilize the Middle East and set off a shockwave of anti-Americanism across the globe

    Counterpoint: No it won’t

  39. 39.

    Cliff

    November 27, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    or you impatient types can get ONN now by downloading Miro:

    http://www.getmiro.com/

    and using this feed:

    http://www.miroguide.com/feeds/1838

    Miro is totally sweet for keeping track of video RSS feeds like countdown and Maddow and of course the Onion, also hulu stuff as well.

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks

  1. Hooey » Blog Archive » Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » Open Thread: Onion News Network! says:
    November 27, 2010 at 4:52 am

    […] commentor Trollhattan alerts us to the upcoming Onion News Network : … Visit link: Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » Open Thread: Onion News Network! Tags: angry-black, are-humor-impaired-, black, her-recent, mention-employees, onion, […]

  2. David-Stateworths » Blog Archive » personal finance money management says:
    November 27, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    […] Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » Open Thread: Onion <b>News</b> Network! […]

Primary Sidebar

Image by GB in the HC (5/23)

Recent Comments

  • They Call Me Noni on How about some springtime respite? (May 23, 2025 @ 5:48pm)
  • RevRick on Open Thread: TFG’s Memecoin Dinner Grift Grab (May 23, 2025 @ 5:48pm)
  • They Call Me Noni on How about some springtime respite? (May 23, 2025 @ 5:43pm)
  • Neldob on Open Thread: TFG’s Memecoin Dinner Grift Grab (May 23, 2025 @ 5:43pm)
  • RevRick on Open Thread: TFG’s Memecoin Dinner Grift Grab (May 23, 2025 @ 5:38pm)

PA Supreme Court At Risk

Donate

Balloon Juice Posts

View by Topic
View by Author
View by Month & Year
View by Past Author

Featuring

Medium Cool
Artists in Our Midst
Authors in Our Midst
War in Ukraine
Donate to Razom for Ukraine

🎈Keep Balloon Juice Ad Free

Become a Balloon Juice Patreon
Donate with Venmo, Zelle or PayPal

Meetups

Upcoming Ohio Meetup May 17
5/11 Post about the May 17 Ohio Meetup

Calling All Jackals

Site Feedback
Nominate a Rotating Tag
Submit Photos to On the Road
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Links)
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Posts)
Fix Nyms with Apostrophes

Hands Off! – Denver, San Diego & Austin

Social Media

Balloon Juice
WaterGirl
TaMara
John Cole
DougJ (aka NYT Pitchbot)
Betty Cracker
Tom Levenson
David Anderson
Major Major Major Major
DougJ NYT Pitchbot
mistermix

Keeping Track

Legal Challenges (Lawfare)
Republicans Fleeing Town Halls (TPM)
21 Letters (to Borrow or Steal)
Search Donations from a Brand

PA Supreme Court At Risk

Donate

Site Footer

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Comment Policy
  • Our Authors
  • Blogroll
  • Our Artists
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2025 Dev Balloon Juice · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc

Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!