Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Republicans don’t trust women.

Republicans in disarray!

Republicans do not pay their debts.

Stamping your little feets and demanding that they see how important you are? Not working anymore.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. let’s win this.

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

They’re not red states to be hated; they are voter suppression states to be fixed.

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

Consistently wrong since 2002

Accountability, motherfuckers.

It’s a doggy dog world.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

You are here: Home / Balloon Juice / Readership Capture / If Jesus ran for president

If Jesus ran for president

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I realize I should just accept that Generalisimo Jeebus Galt — who wants to starve the poor, punish retailers who don’t celebrate his birthday loudly enough, invade random countries, and hate teh gay — has nothing in common with the hippie Jesus described in the New Testament. But I still find this kind of thing funny and sad (via Far East Cynic):

Reader Interactions

70Comments

  5. 5.

    burnspbesq

    If Assange is ultimately arrested by the Swedish authorities, are we going to get a post titled “Good-Bye to Rosie, the Queen of Corona?”

  9. 9.

    calling all toasters

    Free loaves and fishes make for a lazy, ignorant rabble instead of a thrifty working class.

  11. 11.

    Alien-Radio

    Bit of help here. I’ve been looking for refernces to jesus money (something like spending a dollar a day since the birth of jesus), mostly as an example of idiotic order of magnitude comparisons, I remember it being used to talk about the national debt during the McCain campaign. I’ve tried googling “jesus money” and national debt, but just keep getting a lod of prosperity gospel nonsense and libertarian propaanda.

  13. 13.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Bnut: Straight ball, hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jo-Boo to come.
    Take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, and rum. He will come.

  15. 15.

    Cain

    a good experiment would be to take two sets of so called christian republicans. One set will work on a campaign for making Jesus president. Put all the logos, all the positions from the bible etc.

    Then the first group presents it to the second group, but Jesus gets renamed to some other name and see what the reaction would be. That should educate the first group quite a bit on what Christianity means to various people.

    cain

  16. 16.

    Admiral_Komack

    The wingnuts would be screaming about:
    Who He says His Father is.
    Virgin birth.
    The media would be salivating over the question:
    “Is Jesus REALLY a Christian?” and reading the Bible and taking things out of context, not to mention challenging Him to perform miracles.

  17. 17.

    Citizen_X

    Let’s hear from Mr. Guthrie (the elder):

    Let’s have christ for president.
    Let us have him for our king.
    Cast your vote for the carpenter
    That you call the nazarene.

    The only way we can ever beat
    These crooked politician men
    Is to run the money changers out of the temple
    And put the carpenter in

    O it’s jesus christ for president
    God above our king
    With a job and a pension for young and old
    We will make hallelujah ring

    Every year we waste enough
    To feed the ones who starve
    We build our civilization up
    And we shoot it down with wars

    But with the carpenter on the seat
    Away up in the capital town
    The usa would be on the way prosperity bound!

  26. 26.

    Zifnab

    Would Jesus be political
    If he came back to earth
    Have his second home in Palm Springs
    And try to hide his worth.

    Take money
    From those old folks
    When he comes back again
    And say he talked to all those people
    Who say they been a’talkin’ ta him.

  30. 30.

    soonergrunt

    OFF TOPIC (Sorry, DougJ)
    While the post is pretty cool, you all might find the following news blurb interesting.
    Today, LTC Terry Lakin, the birther Army doctor who refused to deploy to Afghanistan because he claimed that the President’s eligibility to hold office was not settled and therefore any orders in the Army were unlawful, has been sentenced by a members panel at General Court Martial to six months confinement, dismissal from the service, and forfeiture of all pay and allowances.
    Two days ago, he plead guilty to four specifications of Article 92, UCMJ (failure to obey an order or regulation). Yesterday, he was convicted at General Court Martial by a members panel of one specification of Article 87, UCMJ (missing movement by design).

  32. 32.

    freelancer

    OT – Anybody from last night’s Hitchens thread remember me saying:

    What you write in this world, and submit to an institution for examination and as a record of your scholarship, that shit is forever.
    __
    Being a Millennial, I would go so far as to even extend that down to what you write and publish on the web and Facebook, including this place. What I said was “What you write in the world is fair fucking game” and I stand by it. If you have ambitions for higher office, think twice before you click that ‘Submit’ or ‘Send’ button. (Ask Carl Paladino) Them’s the new rules, and they aren’t going to get any better as time goes on.

    That goes double if you’re Julian Assange. Yeesh.

  35. 35.

    stuckinred

    But Lakin said Wednesday that despite his questions about Obama’s eligibility for office, he was wrong not to follow Army orders. He acknowledged that the Army was the wrong place to raise his concerns about Obama, asked to keep his job and said he was now willing to deploy.

    “I don’t want it to end this way,” Lakin told the jury Wednesday under questioning from his lawyer. “I want to continue to serve.”

    Military prosecutors disagreed. On Thursday morning, a military prosecutor asked the jury to sentence Lakin to at least two years in a military prison and to dismiss him from the service. It was a sentence he “invited and he earned,” military prosecutor Capt. Philip J. O’Beirne told the jury.

    Xin Loi motherfucker

  36. 36.

    Tonal Crow

    Just a reminder, the “hippie Jesus described in the New Testament” invented eternal “Hell” as punishment for temporal “sins”.

    Now, back to the usual religion-huffing.

  38. 38.

    srv

    I’m sure y’all have read what hypocrites Liberals are about Boehners sobbing… Cause, you know, Bubba did it all the time.

    Not that he complains about all the Republicans who made fun of all of Bubba’s tears.

  39. 39.

    freelancer

    @soonergrunt:

    “Today, LTC Terry Lakin, the birther Army doctor who refused to deploy to Afghanistan because he claimed that the President’s eligibility to hold office was not settled and therefore any orders in the Army were unlawful, has been sentenced by a members panel at General Court Martial to six months confinement, dismissal from the service, and forfeiture of all pay and allowances.”

    YES! Eat it wingnut! Start your oppressed white priviledged martyr tour in July, just in time for the fucking NRO cruise.

  41. 41.

    soonergrunt

    @freelancer: Those of us following this case have been wondering what he’s going to do for money when he gets out.
    I think he’s going to get hired by Faux News as either a military or a medical analyst.

  42. 42.

    FlipYrWhig

    @licensed to kill time: Well, there was substantial evidence that his birth was recorded in a different place than the one he was said to be from. Not to mention the utterly mysterious birth announcement.

  44. 44.

    Martin

    Has Jesus ever shot a moose? Did he refuse to abort his special needs child? I suspect he would not make it through the GOP primary.

  45. 45.

    burnspbesq

    @freelancer:

    You had to post that just as I was thinking about getting lunch, didn’t you?

    I hate you.

    P.S. I wonder if those are admissible under the Swedish rules of evidence.

  49. 49.

    Brachiator

    All this Jesus talk reminded me of Herod’s Song from Jesus Christ, Superstar:

    So if you are the Christ
    Yes the great Jesus Christ
    Prove to me that you’re no fool
    Walk across my swimming pool

  52. 52.

    Tax Analyst

    @eemom:

    Papa looks down and spits on the ground every time her name gets mentioned.

    Yeah,

    Well, I’m on my way, I don’ know where I’m goin’

    But Jesus is just alright with me.

    And Daddy don’t live in that New York City no more, either.

  53. 53.

    DougJ

    @Tonal Crow:

    Some of the true hippies I know would send plenty of people to hell if it was up to them. You can be a hippie and still be an asshole, you just can’t be a Randian.

  54. 54.

    Jason In the Peg

    Would the questions from the wingnuts not include:

    Jewish mother? How can you be sure he’s christian?

    Edited.

  60. 60.

    Tonal Crow

    @DougJ:

    Some of the true hippies I know would send plenty of people to hell if it was up to them.

    They’d actually send them to eternal Hell as described by Jesus? For what? And does even Hitler deserve that punishment?

  63. 63.

    licensed to kill time

    @arguingwithsignposts:

    The gospels (IMHO) are more like ‘stories I heard about Jesus and a bunch of different people wrote down over hundreds of years’ than birth certificates, but I meant no offense. ‘Twas merely a joke.

  65. 65.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Brachiator:

    It all reminded me of Tom Paxton’s classic Jesus Christ S.R.O.

    Jesus, you´re making it big on Broadway,
    Gosh, it´s good to see your name in lights!
    Singing them rock and roll songs, by golly!
    Bet you, you learned them from Buddy Holly,
    I bet you you kept the Heavenly Choir up late at night,
    A-picking up a back beat.

    Jesus, you´re S.R.O. on Broadway,
    Told us you´d be back, but what do you know?
    A-wop bop a loo-bop, a-wop bam boom!
    Rolled the stone back from the tomb,
    And out came Jesus, starring in a Broadway show!

    I just sang the whole thing to a colleague, who had never heard of it. Young kids these days, mutter mutter . . . .

  67. 67.

    agrippa

    The RW would call him a socialist.

    The LW would call him a sell out

    Life is unfair; deserve has nothing to do with it.

  68. 68.

    Darkrose

    @Brachiator:

    If you’d come today you would have reached a whole nation;
    Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication

    I love that Tim Rice’s Jesus is emo, whiny, and incredibly passive-aggressive.

  69. 69.

    soonergrunt

    @SiubhanDuinne: Not really by anybody except the birthers and the military justice geeks.
    TPM has covered it, MSNBC had a blurb, I think CNN had something. Fox was noticeably not present at the trial.

  70. 70.

    virginia beach church

    i was beginning to sense i may perhaps be the sole person whom considered this, at the minimum at present i acknowledge i am not idiotic :) my goal is to make sure to learn more about some various posts instantly after i get a little bit of caffeine in me, it is very challenging to read not having my coffee, adios for the time being :)

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