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You are here: Home / Civil Rights / LGBTQ Rights / Gay Rights are Human Rights / Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert: The only people who are *this* vehemently anti-gay are gay.

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert: The only people who are *this* vehemently anti-gay are gay.

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Countdown to Gohmert gay sex scandal in 3… 2 … 1

This evening, the House voted to approve a stand-alone measure that would allow the Senate to do jack shit repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Almost everybody either actively wants DADT to be repealed, or actively doesn’t give a crap whether or not it’s repealed.

Service members have been surveyed. Pentagon studies have been conducted and re-conducted. The American people have been polled, re-polled, and omni-polled. Pepaw McCain has been reanimated to voice his ghoulish disapproval.

And the consensus is clear: Repeal this stupid fucking law already.

But good ol’ Louie Gohmert (R-Tex) ain’t havin’ it. He’s downright concerned, y’all. This time, he’s not concerned about the little brown terrorists that are breeding in the wombs of every Muslin Puerto Mexican woman, incubating-in-wait until they are fully formed and ready to blow our shit up. (He has evidence! Anker babiezz are ferreals, y’all! It’s already happening!)

No, citizens. This time, he’s worried about the utter destruction of civilization as we know it.

You know how they always say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day?” Well, what they don’t want you to know is that Rome was brought down by the gay.1

But Gohmert knows. He knows that the repeal of DADT will be the downfall of these United States. This country is going to explode with gay, and we will all be doomed to live our lives in a ring of eternal fire and ass-less chaps.

Our United States flag will no longer be red white and blue; it will be ROYGBIV; and instead of stars and stripes, bedazzled glittery shiny thingies will grace the flag.

He is dead serious about this: If you homos can’t control your hormones, we are all going to die in a hot gay fire; so get it together, will you?

GOHMERT: To my friend who said that history would judge us poorly, I would submit if you would look thoroughly at history — and I’m not saying it’s cause and effect — but when militaries throughout history of the greatest nations in the world have adopted the policy that “fine for homosexuality to be overt” — you can keep it private and control your hormones fine, if you can’t, that’s fine too — they’re toward the end of their existence as a great nation.

[videos after the jump]

Don’t you guys get it? If we don’t stop this madness, our military is going to be as ineffective as — as — Israel’s.

You know about Israel, right? The country so surrounded by haters that it up and bombs shit for little to no reason? How much longer can that poor little country hang on, what with all its homosexicle soldiers standing around playing grab ass? Think of Israel, won’t you?

mmmm... Israel...

Obviously, Gohmert and facts don’t get along. He’s just making shit up. Who the hell knows what Gohmert’s problem is, and really? Who the hell cares? What’s important is that most Americans support repealing DADT, and it’s going to happen whether ol’ Louie likes it or not. And I’m fairly certain that deep down in his areas, he likes it — IYKWIMAITYD.

::sigh::

It’s sad that we have elected officials who still hold such bigoted old-timey views, and who are given a platform from which to espouse those views. Frankly, people like Gohmert should be taken out into the backyard and beaten about the head and chest.

As a matter of fact, I know just the man for the job:

Gandalf thinks you're an asshole, Louie.

Luckily there are people like John Lewis who stand up for equality and for what’s right:

Well-said, John. If it were me, I likely would have said: “If you don’t vote yes, you’re an asshole.”

Then I would have knocked over the podium and strolled out, shouting, “Big ups to Brooklyn!”

1 No, I don’t know who they are. We should find out!

[via Think Progress]

[Cross-posted here. I’ll ‘fess up: I posted this lasted night at my crazy corner of the intertrons, and meant to post it here, too; but then I saw something shiny, and you know how that old song goes…]

Reader Interactions

124Comments

  1. 1.

    Culture of Truth

    “To those who say history will judge us poorly, I would submit if you would look thoroughly at history — and I’m not saying it’s cause and effect — but when millionaires throughout history of the greatest nations in the world have adopted the policy that “fine for the rich to control the government” — you can keep it own it and control your greed, if you can’t, that’s fine too — they’re toward the end of their existence as a great nation.”

  3. 3.

    General Stuck

    There you are ABL

    Who the hell knows what Gohmert’s problem is,

    Gohmert don’t know, he’s just pawn in game of life.

  6. 6.

    J

    Please stop with the constant bolding and italics. Please, please stop. Or just put all of your crazy, poorly written rants after the ump.

  17. 17.

    Jewish Steel

    @Angry Black Lady:

    A good post. I for one like that your syntactical style is distinct from the other posters. It gives your posts a different rhythm.

    Why the fuck’s everyone gotta sound alike, y’know?

  18. 18.

    Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen

    I still haven’t figured out if killing DADT is supposed to replace equal marriage rights in Massachusetts as the reason America implodes, or if America will implode because of equal marriage rights in Massachusetts, rebuild itself really quickly and then squash it all over again if DADT is repealed. [Edit: I suppose America will have to implode and rebuild several times, once for each state that allows equal marriage or civil unions. Whew! Should be good for the economy!]

    And what about Lawrence; America was supposed to go kablooey after that as well. Not to mention all of the other extensions of civil rights that willhom have been going to cause America to curl up like a salted slug over the years.

    Gosh. It’s almost like a bunch of fear-mongering fucksticks who are incapable of original thought keep saying the same shit over and over again in order to maintain a repressive society!

    Also: Fuck Loogie Gomer with Tony Perkins’ dick.

  19. 19.

    Petorado

    It seems pretty obvious that homophobes resent that people they feel are “less of a man” than themselves are willing to volunteer for dangerous duties that the homophobes are too scared to do. If Teh Gay is braver than Louie Gohmert, who can he feel superior too?

  21. 21.

    Jebediah

    I know the other side is better at (or more willing to engage in) ratfuckery, but someone needs to go spelunking in Gohmert’s closet and see what shimmy-shakes out.

  22. 22.

    Mark S.

    I’d like Goomer to name one civilization that collapsed because of homosexuality.

    Also, this guy didn’t have any problem with gays in the military. He also won a few more wars than John McCain.

  23. 23.

    Bnut

    What was the joke about the World Series? If the Rangers won, Texas could succeed. If the Giants won, Texas HAD to. Still waiting buttholes. And now that you have Mexican drones crashing in El Paso, my guess is that the first act of the Great Texan Congress will be to invade those stupid beaners down south.

  24. 24.

    Andy K

    @Petorado:

    It seems pretty obvious that homophobes resent that people they feel are “less of a man” than themselves are willing to volunteer for dangerous duties that the homophobes are too scared to do.

    What gets me is that we’re talking about people who are trained to deal with others who are attacking them with grenades, machine guns, artillery shells, bombs, chemical weapons, etc….But someone’s scared that teh gay is gonna be checking out their junk in the shower?!?!

  29. 29.

    Tim

    It was that pic of you with Santa and the rescue pup that did it, dammit.

    I was all up in arms against your bad ass after your prior pro-O rants, but there you were looking all gorgeous and flashing that beautiful smile and those lovely breasts, and saving the life of a cute doggie; and obviously Santa finds you more than OK, and…gosh darnit, I fell to pieces…

    So I like you again, OK?

    group hug

  32. 32.

    Bnut

    I figure if every lesbian looked like Portia De Rossi and every gay man looked like Neil Patrick Harris we’d be good. GET ON IT homosexual people.

  33. 33.

    The Dangerman

    @Andy K:

    That’s like hating on roses or candy.

    Roses suck. Candy sucks.

    /contrarianism

    I’m fairly sure this Texas fucker is also pushing a bill saying that a candidate has to present a birth certificate that is considered to be valid (meaning, whatever one Obama presents will obviously be a fake) to be on the Texas ballot. He’s a birther.

    They make assholes bigger in Texas, too.

  34. 34.

    JGabriel

    Nick:

    People still voted for this man…and they will again

    It’s amazing that there are that many people in a single district without any shame or sense of embarrassment whatsoever.

    I read somewhere (Scientific American maybe?) that the only way to achieve that high a ratio of genetic shamelessness is through inbreeding.

    .

  35. 35.

    Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen

    And the thought that Gohmert might be gay provokes fear, loathing and a resolve to never go in the toilets at Union Station. Without a camera.

    @efgoldman: From now on the asshole from FRC shall be known by his full name: Evil Bug Fucking Crap Stain Tony Perkins.

    Oh, like that hasn’t happened already.

    Brain bleach, STAT.

  37. 37.

    ItAintEazy

    @Roger Moore:

    Or Attaturk.

    Hell, even the fucking Yew-Nighted States Army, which is currently fighting a coalition war in Afghanistan with other militaries that allow gay soldiers. Heh, maybe the repukes will use that as an argument against DADT since that war isn’t going very well.

  40. 40.

    General Stuck

    When wingnuts aren’t bashing gays, looks like they are going all in to knock around Muslim Americans for kicks

    WASHINGTON — The Republican who will head the House committee that oversees domestic security is planning to open a Congressional inquiry into what he calls “the radicalization” of the Muslim community when his party takes over the House next year.

    Representative Peter T. King of New York, who will become the chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, said he was responding to what he has described as frequent concerns raised by law enforcement officials that Muslim leaders have been uncooperative in terror investigations.

    The King House Committee on UnAmerican Activities. Like Deja Vu all over again.

  42. 42.

    The Dangerman

    @General Stuck:

    When wingnuts aren’t bashing gays, looks like they are going all in to knock around Muslim Americans for kicks

    If you want a sad, check out the fact that the previously approved Mosque in Temecula (SoCal, near San Diego) is being challenged on some technicality, so it’s back in front of the planning commission. I don’t recall the exact details (or how many drinks I’ve comsumed; plus ?).

    The article in whatever paper I found it is sad; the comments are sadder. There are some seriously stupid motherfuckers out there. And their vote counts the same as mine; can’t we have a system where votes are weighted by IQ or something?

  43. 43.

    Glinda

    Gohmert isn’t gay. He just hasn’t grown up sexually. He’s stuck in some scary early adolescent, pre-beard growing phase of sexual insecurity. He is likely one of those thankfully rarer and rarer adults who think that the fear that they perceive around sex is the sum and substance of sexual excitement.

    Premature ejaculations and weak orgasms are their lot in life. If it didn’t harm the LGBT community and women who like sex, it might be a justice I could live with.

    But we have to call out these assholes for what they are. I’ll use the euphemism so as not to piss off the PC crowd around here, but these idiots are “sexually challenged”.

  44. 44.

    NobodySpecial

    @Petorado:

    who can he feel superior too?

    Well, in the old days, it used to be the Nee-groes. But you cain’t do that no more.

    Then it was the spics. But you cain’t do that no more.

    Then it was the gays. But it’s getting to where you cain’t do that no more, either.

    Purty soon, Ol’ Louie ain’t a-gonna be able to feel superior out loud to ANYONE. Then what’s he gonna do? Cain’t even beat your wimmen anymore, or kick yer dog…

  47. 47.

    suzanne

    @Tim:

    but there you were looking all gorgeous and flashing that beautiful smile and those lovely breasts

    It’s a good thing Tim thinks you have nice tits. Otherwise, you would still be on his shitlist. Aren’t you just overjoyed that Tim likes you again?!

    Vomit.

  48. 48.

    Carla

    RoyGBiv

    Learned that in Biology Class, 1974, Hutchinson High, Minnesota. And the valedictorian of our ’76 class went down early from AIDS.

    Here’s to loving our neighbor. Cheers. Blessed are.

  49. 49.

    Redshift

    @General Stuck:

    WASHINGTON — The Republican who will head the House committee that oversees domestic security is planning to open a Congressional inquiry into what he calls “the radicalization” of the Muslim community when his party takes over the House next year.

    “Inquiry” can mean so many things. This description makes perfect sense if it’s a planning session for how to accomplish it.

  50. 50.

    asiangrrlMN

    ABL, I love the way you write. Don’t go changing for anybody.

    @Glinda: Someone made a similar comment, and I have come around to this way of thinking. The strongest homophobes are, at the very least, struggling with issues of masculinity and are insecure about themselves. They need to constantly remind themselves and everyone else how macho macho they are. When they see gays who are more macho than they are, then it freaks them the fuck out.

    What really pisses me off about this is that nearly 80% of Americans want to repeal DADT. That’s a super-super majority. Fuck off, Gohmert.

    @Andy K: You keep being that friendly to one of your dates, and you might lose the other. Then, you’ll be in a rom-com all by yourself.

    ::gives you the fish-eye::

    @Carla: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s so sad.

  52. 52.

    The Dangerman

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Would you mind keeping all this moisture coming out of the skies in the North? LA Foothills are supposed to see 2 to 4 inches this weekend (this may not sound like much, but, for LA, especially below burn areas, this will not be much fun).

    Thanking you kindly in advance.

    P.S. What is a rom-com? Romantic comedy? You Sandra Bullock?

  53. 53.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Andy K: Uh huh. On the couch, buddy! But, if you compare me to chocolate, you might just wiggle your way back into my good graces.

    @The Dangerman: Yes. I would keep it all to myself if it were up to me. But, sadly, I am not god of the universe yet, so alas. And, you’re not talking snow, are you? I thought it was your constitutional right as an LA denizen to only have sun and heat. And, yes, rom-com is romantic comedy. I am NOT Sandra Bullock–I am Rosalind Russell.

    @Andy K: Rosalind Russell! Or Myrna Loy. Ooooh, Claudette Colbert is good, too. As long as I get the last word.

  55. 55.

    Tim

    @suzanne:

    suzanne, you’re an idiot.

    I’m gay, but I can certainly appreciate a pair of visually pleasing breasts and their accompanying cleavage, nicely framed in a low cut top as I recall.

    Lighten up, grandma.

  58. 58.

    Kenneth

    Mark my words.

    The failure to repeal DADT tomorrow will be the beginning of the end of the Obama Presidency.

  60. 60.

    Roger Moore

    @The Dangerman:

    LA Foothills are supposed to see 2 to 4 inches this weekend (this may not sound like much, but, for LA, especially below burn areas, this will not be much fun).

    Yeah, but we need at least some rain because droughts are no fun. If we don’t have any rain, we’re sure to have some fires this winter that will remind us of the Station Fire. The amount and speed of the predicted rains this weekend (and into next week) should be mild enough that the hillsides won’t act up too badly.

  61. 61.

    Glinda

    @asiangrrlMN: I agree with one small point of nitpick on my part. Homophobes come in both/all genders. I might remind you of Phyllis Schlafly, as well as myriad more contemporary right-wing Republican stooges like Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann.

    They fit the “sexually challenged” mold as much as Louie Gohmert does.

  63. 63.

    asiangrrlMN

    @efgoldman: Zombie rom-com! That would be awe-sum!

    @Glinda: You are correct. I was thinking mainly of male homophobes, but there are certainly female ones, too. They, too, usually have a rigid idea of sexual roles and cannot tolerate anything that questions those beliefs.

    @Angry Black Lady: So are mine. Andy K is in for a bouncing good time at the Miscegenation Ball.

  65. 65.

    Tim

    @Angry Black Lady:

    Well, let’s not get carried away, ABL. :D

    I already did the marry-a-straight-woman-while-hiding-in-the-closet thing, and I don’t think a second time around would be a smart thing for either of us, especially you.

    But you ARE gorgeous, and you’re growing on me as a front pager, even if my having the temerity to say so makes some tight asses around here “vomit.” :D

  66. 66.

    The Dangerman

    @asiangrrlMN:

    And, you’re not talking snow, are you? I thought it was your constitutional right as an LA denizen to only have sun and heat.

    Snow should be fairly low (well above me, I’m not too far above sea level).

    Sun, heat, and, of course, traffic we can deal with well; water, not so much. Shit, I’ve seen people lock up their brakes because a rainbird was knocked the wrong way and was spraying on the freeway. We don’t do water well (unless the surf’s up, then it’s all Baywatch baby).

  67. 67.

    John - A Motley Moose

    @Kenneth: I thought the beginning of the end was when they failed to pass health care reform? Oh, wait… Now I remember. It was financial requlation. No… That wasn’t it. Oh yeah, it was the BP oil spill. Oh, wait… That wasn’t it either. Damn, I’m all confused now. Oh, well, I’m sure John McCain will tell us all about it on the Sunday morning talk shows.

  68. 68.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Nick:

    People still voted for this man, and others like him…and they will again

    Fix’t.

    Every time Gohmert open his yap, kind people cringe and haters cheer. The only people who would support a guy like this are those who love to do nothing more than hate on others. That is the constituency he panders to, people who hate, because it comes naturally to him and it’s the easiest way to score votes from the stupid and uninformed voters in his district that he depends on to win.

    The best public service he could do would be to take a long walk off of a very tall building. Any time someone like Gohmert wins an election, America loses.

  69. 69.

    Roger Moore

    @asiangrrlMN:

    And, you’re not talking snow, are you? I thought it was your constitutional right as an LA denizen to only have sun and heat.

    The snow usually restricts itself to higher elevations. It rarely gets below about 3500 feet, and anything below 2000 feet is noteworthy. And apparently you didn’t hear about Prop 256, which eliminated our right to nothing but sunshine and heat from the California Constitution.

  71. 71.

    Glinda

    @efgoldman: LOL! It’s not your lot in life since I’m sure you have vivid memories of very strong orgasms. Isn’t there a treatment for a swollen prostate?

  72. 72.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Andy K: OK! You’re forgiven. I will be the Rosalind Russell to your Cary Grant (I like him best). I’m easy (but not cheap).

    @The Dangerman: But, you are on an ocean. I am puzzled. Shouldn’t you be able to handle a little water?

    @Roger Moore: Damn it! Direct democracy strikes again! Bastards.

  73. 73.

    The Dangerman

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Shouldn’t you be able to handle a little water?

    If it isn’t salty or frozen (with some tequila and with a coating of salt around the rim), we have … “issues”. Shit, I’m not even sure if I have any windshield wipers to put on the car. I do know the AC is charged, though.

  74. 74.

    Roger Moore

    @The Dangerman:

    Snow should be fairly low (well above me, I’m not too far above sea level).

    I think you’re looking at the wrong weather report. This is supposed to be a subtropical storm, which means comparatively warm weather and correspondingly high snow levels; the report I’m looking at says about 6500 feet at the lowest. And that 2-4 inches you mentioned is for the coasts; the foothills are predicted to get at least twice that much, with as much a foot in some areas by the end of the storm. That really is too much for the recent burn areas.

  75. 75.

    The Dangerman

    @Roger Moore:

    I think you’re looking at the wrong weather report.

    I must confess to not listening to the weather gal tonight too closely; I crossed paths with her a couple times in her previous job (Evelyn Taft, Channel 9; she was on the CBS affiliate in Santa Maria). She’s pretty cool and easy on the eyes (all weather gals in LA have to be). Anyway, my guess on snow was based on temps that feel kinda cold to my poorly calibrated body (anything over 80, I can nail it).

    Yeah, a foot in the foothills won’t be appreciated; I have a friend up in the North Pasadena area that is probably getting ready for a rough weekend.

  77. 77.

    Roger Moore

    @asiangrrlMN:

    But, you are on an ocean. I am puzzled. Shouldn’t you be able to handle a little water?

    We are next to the ocean, not in it. And it’s a civilized ocean with a nice predictable sea level, not one of those nasty rivers that has a tendency to flood everything. So there’s very little mixing of ocean and freeway, which is how we like it. For whatever reason (IANAM) the water that evaporates from our nearby ocean likes to stay in the air rather than precipitating out all over the place. The coastal plain is semi-arid to arid, and even the foothills and mountains don’t get much rain by Minnesota standards. Equally important, what rain we do get has an tendency to concentrate itself into a few gigantic storms rather than spread out into a lot of drizzle, so people don’t get a lot of practice driving on wet surfaces.

  79. 79.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Rosalind was teh best Mame out there period. Bar none. So being her is definitely high on the compliment scale.

    And yes you can ask ABL. I wholeheartedly approve as FH #2. But we might have to explain the whole Denobulan marriage thing to her.

  80. 80.

    Roger Moore

    @The Dangerman:

    Yeah, a foot in the foothills won’t be appreciated; I have a friend up in the North Pasadena area that is probably getting ready for a rough weekend.

    I’m in northern Pasadena, but I’m not too worried, though I guess it varies depending on neighborhood. The most threatening hillsides near where I live burned long enough ago that the worst debris danger is past until the next big fire. The Eaton Canyon area should be relatively safe, but western Altadena, especially near the forest line, could be a scary place to be this weekend.

  81. 81.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Yutsano: Hi, hon. ABL is already in the family–she just doesn’t know it yet! Bwahahahahaha! Did you check your email? How you be?

    @Andy K: Catherine Deneuve is just luminescent. I have to say, though, as much as I love musical, it’s strange to watch all the dialogue being sung. Plus, my French is very rusty.

  82. 82.

    Angry Black Lady

    @Tim: i already have plans to spend my golden years in florida with my friend mme marbles and a gaggle of gays — sipping umbrelly drinks, leering at the pool boys, and playing canasta. i just have to learn how to play canasta by the time i’m — say — 60. come join! we can talk about how great the obama years were. ;)

    (couldn’t resist. you know i couldn’t resist!)

  84. 84.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: :: peeks at mailbox ::

    Answered, and I’ll address that specific issue tomorrow. Otherwise it’s Friday and I’m watching anxiously to see if I get a forced two week vacation. At Christmas. I think I’m torn up. Or something.

    @Angry Black Lady: To quote FH #1: Hee.

  87. 87.

    Andy K

    @Angry Black Lady:

    i don’t know what you’re talking about, and frankly, you two frighten me.

    It’s sort of like the secret language of twins at times, but if you lurk for a while you start to figure it out.

    I’m not certain, but I think they’re talking about Peyton Hillis in there somewhere. And maybe their plan to meet up somewhere in the middle- Montana?- to rob a bank. Or a donut shop.

  91. 91.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: I am occasionally easy like that. I’m just amazed anyone would pay attention to my rambling musings at all to pick up on that subtlety. Of course if he knows WHY I like Peyton…then he’s close to cracking the code and we may have to discuss elimination options.

  92. 92.

    Andy K

    @Yutsano:

    However it is that you do me in, please make sure to change my underwear, wouldjya? Wouldn’t want to shame mom, ya know.

    ETA: And not the briefs. I only keep those around for those times I’m too lazy to do laundry. I’ve got change for the laundry room in that giant mayo jar. The gray boxer briefs are pretty streak-free, but, ya know, clean would be best.

  94. 94.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: I’m gonna have to subcontract this one out. Although I do technically have the capacity to make his life a financial living hell so he’ll wish he WAS dead. I’m too ethical for that though. Great power and great responsibility and all that. Plus I love my job.

  97. 97.

    Andy K

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Gotta be the gas station. It hasn’t been worth knocking over an adult bookstore since they switched from coins to tokens in the peepshow booths- or so I’ve heard.

    I’ve also heard that the sticky stuff on the floors tastes kinda like root beer barrels, though.

  101. 101.

    Joey Maloney

    @The Dangerman: My forlorn hope is that when our new Chinese overlords have assumed complete control of whatever is left of the USA in thirty or fifty or eighty years, and survey the moral wreckage that the Republicans catalyzed after 2001, that after they close the camps, uncover the mass graves, repair the desecrated mosques, they have the wisdom to take the South African path of a truth and reconciliation commission rather than the “bygones” approach of Reconstruction or the savage retribution of a de-Baathification.

    Only when people freely confess, freely repent, freely ask for forgiveness and only when that foregiveness is freely given, can the poison truly be drawn out. Any other way, and it just goes underground to fester and erupt later with greater virulence.

    In that way, Louis Gohmert is like the shit- and pus-filled abcess one of my cats got from when the other bit her on the ass.

  103. 103.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Andy K: You keep talking when it’s best for you to keep mum. For that, the double-reverse-cowgirl. Yes, that’s the way you will die. P.S. I hate you for making me click on that link.

    @Yutsano: Excellent. I will call you when it’s time.

    @Angry Black Lady: Oh, you’re so cute when you’re in denial. And, check the thread upstairs. Yutsy and I are arranging a marriage for you.

  104. 104.

    Andy K

    @Angry Black Lady:

    Donuts won me my second term as the Mayor of Eastown.

    Eastown is the tiny little hub of bohemian nightlife here in Grand Rapids, and I, uhm, spent A LOT of time there. One night between periods of a Red Wings game, a certain Mark W. challenged me to a winner-take-all debate for my title. The topic was “What does Eastown need?”

    Mark led off on a Clintonian monologue on why Eastown needed a larger police presence. Safer, better for business, not so many CD players stolen from cars, pretty lights…He had the crowd- I believe it was Tommy O. and Milo T. Fish- enraptured. He wrapped it up and gave me a shit-eating grin as if he had the office in the bag.

    Calmly and cooly I rose, looking my opponent and the crowd confidently in the eye, one by one….I straightened my specs, breathed deeply and spoke, “Eastown needs a donut shop. That is all.”

    Mark looks at me, just a bit miffed and rebutted that, why, yes, of course, because a donut shop would bring cops and shiny lights…Well, he exclaimed, you’ve said nothing that I haven’t said already.

    “But, Mark, we can have donuts.”

    I was unanimously swept into another term, feted with the best, hottest damned shots of Arrowhead schnapps and Miller Genuine Draft for the remainder of the evening. I held the office for many more years until one day I felt it was time for new blood. But I fondly remember that debate at Mulligan’s Pub as the second greatest triumph of my life- the greatest, of course, being the unassisted triple play I made when I was an 8-year old tee ball player.

    Donuts are good.

  105. 105.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Yutsy and I are arranging a marriage for you.

    I’m not sure how much arranging we’re doing any more honestly. I bet if we let those two crazy kids off by their lonesomes they’d pretty much handle the details on their own.

  108. 108.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Oh I never stop gently nudging. I’ve even gone into full-on relationship counseling in relationships I’ve hooked up before. I’m a full-service yenta.

  109. 109.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Andy K: Oh. My. God. I had to Google it, and that led me to Urban Dictionary….Yeah. I think you just might be right. P.S. I guarantee that I will send you off with a smile or…your money back?

    @Yutsano: Yeah. This line:

    Sprout my little seeds, sprout!

    cracked me the fuck up.

  114. 114.

    Andy K

    @Angry Black Lady:

    Had to see which you were responding to- donuts or Taiwanese Basket Job.

    While I obviously agree, I was really hoping you were talking about the other. Dang!

    :D

    I’m out, too. Got a Rottweiler to check up on in the early afternoon.

  115. 115.

    Pat

    The demise of this great nation will not be because of “the gays”.

    No, the demise of this great nation will be because the stupid, ignorant electorate keeps sending guys like him to Washington.

  116. 116.

    fucen tarmal

    if being *that* antigay makes you gay, what does being vehemently anti-antigay make you?

    i mean i want to act as stereotypically gay as i can possibly manage, around these antigay folks, though, i realize, its probably not helping.

  120. 120.

    donquijoterocket

    @Jebediah:
    true- you never know when a Larry Craig type character is going to take a wide stance in the batter’s box.Gohmert looks like a switch hitter to me.

  121. 121.

    Roy G

    I’m surprised nobody has mentioned this; Steve Clemons called it “the most absurd statement on Palestinian-Israeli territory disputes ever uttered on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives:

    GOHMERT: The only good news I see out of that is that for so long, I’ve been greatly concerned with the hypocrisy of this administration telling Israel, “Just let Palestinians build illegal settlements and take over areas that are not theirs. Just let ’em take over.” And I thought, “How hypocritical for our U.S. administration to tell Israel, ‘just let people take over areas of your country they’re not authorized to takeover,’ cause we would never allow that here in the U.S.” Which brings me to the only good thing about violent illegal alien drug smugglers taking over American soil: At least we’re not hypocritical anymore when we tell Israel just to let people take over land that’s not theirs. Because now this administration can say, “Look, Israel, we’re doing it here. We’re letting people take over American soil that they shouldn’t. So you can do it, too.”

    http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/11/17/louie_louie_louie_gohmert_a_big_lie_on_palestine_r/

    Teh stupid, it’s burning our country.

  123. 123.

    phein

    @Culture of Truth:

    But the rate of profit does not, like rent and wages, rise with the prosperity and fall with the declension of the society. On the contrary, it is naturally low in rich and high in poor countries, and it is always highest in the countries which are going fastest to ruin.

    — Adam Smith, Wealth of Nations (Vol. I, pp. 231-32)

  124. 124.

    Mike G

    Louie Louie represents east Texas, the most racist toilet of a region of that arrogant, proudly-stupid mediocrity of a state.

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