Stuart Rothenberg is a strange Beltway creature. DC insiders pay him big bucks for a subscription to his nonpartisan House and Senate race analysis, and he’s actually pretty decent at that. But his other gig is penning breathless mash notes to establishment Republicans, like this one:
If the producers of AMC’s popular “Mad Men” television series ever need someone to replace Jon Hamm, the actor who plays Don Draper, they need look no further than Speaker John Boehner.
The 11-term Ohio Republican, 61, is significantly older than Draper (Hamm is just short of his 40th birthday), but he has the advertising executive’s smoothness, confidence, good looks and cigarette habit. And Boehner looks every bit as at ease with a drink in his hand as Draper does.
Stu needs to study up on his Mad Men characters, because I think he meant the guy in the middle of this picture, not the guy on the left:
Boehner strikes me as a guy who’s more likely to impress by peeing his pants after drinking too much. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s perfected a corny bar trick like playing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on his zipper. But what do I know — let’s throw it to the chickens.
Josie
Boehner does have the looks, confidence and smoothness that are in Rothenberg’s description, but he has something else–the barely detectable blurriness of a habitual heavy drinker. It is not visible to the general public but is so obvious to someone who has lived with an alcoholic. I noticed it a long time ago and thought it was in full flower the night of the SOTU speech.
de stijl
I’m thinking that a super maudlin version of “O Danny Boy” is playing on a constant loop in Boehner’s brain. Adding merlot to the situation is probably a bad choice.
bkny
bullshit. i read the gossip blogs — unlike john ham, there isn’t a woman on the planet who would drool over john boehner — unless there was a financial transaction involved. .. ;-)
Ija
What is it with Republicans and their mancrushes and bromances?
Chyron HR
GOOD LOOKS? Oooh, that 61-year-old orange man is so dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamy!
blogbytom
Oooh! Oooh! Pick me, pick me!
I vote Lee Garner, Jr. Older and less attractive than Don Draper? Check. More powerful? Check. On the wrong side of an historic power struggle? Check. Homophobe? Check. (We’ll leave aside Lee’s closeted homosexuality and just note that the speaker’s last name remains BOEHNER). Humiliates people he’s supposed to be working with in good faith? Check.
And Lee Garner, Jr. still drinks and smokes with the best of them. Probably plays golf, too. If we’re playing this game, I’d say we have a winner.
Southern Beale
Boehner is a smoker? OMG !!!! What will we tell the CHILDREN?!!!
Isn’t that what we always hear about Obama’s smoking habit?
J.W. Hamner
Hey, mistermix is up! I’ve got some WikiLeaks action for you:
America’s secret backing for rebel leaders behind uprising
In reality this has no new info and all of it’s overblown, but here we are regardless.
Southern Beale
Today’s blogwhore: The Revolution Won’t Be Twitterized.
mistermix
@blogbytom: That’s a good one.
Southern Beale
@J.W. Hamner:
Well I figured our fingers were in here somewhere … I guess I’d rather have us supporting rebels on the sly than Bush’s “Shock and Awe” followed by a messy and expensive 8 year occupation.
de stijl
@ mistermix
I can guarantee you that Boehner does not possess such a trick. He is of a specific type – he is a lachrymose, maudlin drunk. Don’t confuse Maudlin drunks with Drama drunks; both cry, but for different reasons.
Boehner’s go-to move is to tell random people that he loves them. While crying.
Joey Maloney
A Galtian success story
I can’t excerpt because it’s an image of a newspaper story, but…go read.
PurpleGirl
@bkny: Probably not even then, unless he had the wealth of Warren Buffet.
E.D. Kain
It must be the tan. They both have that glowing orange tint. Or, uhm, wait what?
Cat Lady
@Joey Maloney:
Early Darwin Award frontrunner of 2011.
AZrider
Except Hamm conveys authority and rationality. When I hear Boehner speak, it always sounds bogus.
JGabriel
mistermix:
Actually, I get the impression that Boehner can hold his drink without getting too much stupider in the process. I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot of room for downward movement there.
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Mark S.
That doesn’t sound very blue-collar.
Neither does that.
Oh, I give up. These are the kinds of dumbfucks who think Tim Russert was blue-collar. Stu has the sociological insight of David Brooks.
HRA
No doubt at all about Boehner being an alcoholic. I was waiting to see him pitch forward from his chair during the SOTU.
I am beginning to think he uses makeup.
His looks are passable though not at all for a second look.
JGabriel
Southern Beale:
Yeah. For a while, a few years under the Bush administration I think it was, Boehner used to be seen heavily frequenting the local Democratic congressional club because they had banned smoking at the GOP’s. True story. I think the Dems have sinced banned it at their own club too — but if not, you probably could still find Boehner there.
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Alex S.
I want to get paid for casting calls, too.
D. Mason
@Joey Maloney: What is that Photoshopped article supposed to add to our collective morning?
Cat Lady
@Ija:
Can you think of an analog for male pundits and male Democrats? I can only think of MoDo and her daddy issues fuckedupedness. Conservatives and the pundits who love them are all closeted head cases.
PTirebiter
He’s got Donnie Draper eyes. Poor Stu, that’s just sad.
Ija
@Cat Lady:
Not really. Male Democrats are just not crush-worthy, I suppose. Although there was that time early on in the Obama administration when Ezra Klein seemed awfully taken by Peter Orszag, albeit in a number-crunching-nerd-geekdom way. Ezra seems to have transfer his crush to Paul Ryan lately. Ezra, give it up, Ryan is not acting in good faith.
Just because he likes numbers as much as you do doesn’t mean he’s not a lying liar who lies.
PurpleGirl
@HRA: Cosmetics? Yup. The tan is likely sprayed on…. Which makes it even grosser.
JGabriel
@Joey Maloney: You’ve been punked. The story is from the column/website Notsville.com, a column in Knoxville’s local entertainment newspaper/website Knoxville.com.
If nothing else, the last paragraph should have been the tip-off:
It’s still hilarious. But fake.
.
Joey Maloney
Oh well, it happens. At least I’m in good company – check out all the fire protection and first responder websites that are also reposting the article as fact.
JGabriel
To be fair, it is really hard to differentiate between real wingers and parody wingers these days.
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xian
i have to admit i did get a don-draper-gone-to-seed vibe from boehner once
WereBear
@Ija: I blame the misogyny.
When you regard women as playthings in a fratboy universe, who are you going to admire and look up to? Who are you going to have actual feelings for? NOT women, for a start.
This is probably one of the foundations for their screwed up psyches; they want love, yet belittle it. They fetishize “masculine” attachments with sports and war metaphors, yet are so homophobic they must immediately squash real feelings because they might be sexual.
I think that’s part of the Palin dynamic, at least as far as starbursts go; she’s a powerful woman they can feel sexual about and also admire her; this is so rare in their world they get giddy with its power.
Of course, in the liberal universe, this is known as a “relationship.”
Riggsveda
“Good looks”? Good Lord.
oliver's Neck
“The Tao of Steve” is a spectacular film. Well done, mistermix.
D. Mason
@JGabriel: It’s only possible when you look at them. The real Wingers look a little scared and anxious, the parody sort look like they’re having the best time evah(pro tip: they are)!
Tyro
I can’t get my hate on for John Boehner. He’s not Don Draper– he’s your awkward alcoholic uncle who thinks himself to be a “big community leader” because he’s a member of the Rotary Club, plays golf because it seems “classy,” constantly tries to cozy up to people he thinks have money in the hopes of at least being a guest in their country club, and owns a boat he can’t afford.
Omnes Omnibus
@Tyro: Luckily I don’t have that particular type of uncle, but I think you hit the nail on the head with this.
de stijl
@WereBear:
That’s insightful. I’d never thought of Palin from that perspective. Thanks!
JenJen
I LOL’d when I read that slobbering piece. Boehner as Don Draper, I mean, that is rich indeed.
Nice call on Freddy Rumsen! I was also thinking Lee, the tobacco heir. Or maybe even old man Cooper. But Don Draper? Hahahahahaha.
JGabriel
@Tyro:
… and is now third in line to the Presidency of the United States.
.
de stijl
@JGabriel:
How does the Presidential succession thing really work? If P dies, VP takes over and selects a new VP. But if P dies and VP dies before before selecting a new VP, the Speaker of the House is the new P. Does the new President serve out the full term?
cckids
@Joey Maloney: OK, wow. And he was legally allowed to still possess guns after the first incident. Our country is a strange, strange place. What do you bet his neighbors are exchanging quiet high fives & hoping he doesn’t rebuild?
Villago Delenda Est
@JGabriel:
Poe’s Law strikes again!
JGabriel
de stijl:
Yes.
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WereBear
@de stijl: They are considered placeholders, and will serve the remaining term of the missing President.
There’s a fascinating book called The Man that came out in the sixties, I think… it was by bestselling author Irving Wallace, and it described how the VP died of illness, and before the President had gone through the process of getting a new one, he died in a natural disaster and the (at the time) President Pro Tempore of the Senate was next in line and became President.
And he was black.
Well worth seeking out.
Lysana
@de stijl:
Yes. The new P picks a new VP, the House elects a new Speaker, we proceed from there.
Villago Delenda Est
@de stijl:
The rule is that the acting President shall serve out the current Presidential term of the President who left office, by death, incapacitation, resignation, or through the Impeachment/removal process. If the acting President assumed power prior to the half way mark of the term, he or she can serve one additional term in their own right for the office. If the assumption of the office took place after the half way mark of the term, they can serve two full terms in their own right for the office.
This is covered by the 22nd Amendment.
Ash Can
@Lysana: And now I have the nightmare image of President Boehner and Vice President Cantor in my mind. I don’t like being reminded of how close our nation actually is to complete destruction.
de stijl
Thanks, all.
What if the President was installed by the Supreme Court in a 5-4 vote? ;-)
bkny
the villagers do have thing for their (perceived) hunky republicans … recall this one from roger simon:
FIRST PLACE: Mitt Romney
Analysis: Strong, clear, gives good soundbite and has shoulders you could land a 737 on.
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0607/4356.html
de stijl
@de stijl:
Actually, now that I think about it, I can answer my own question.
In the event that the Supreme Court installs a President with a 5-4 vote, the VP is the acting President.
manfrommadras
amen, @oliver’s neck..Nice move reference, mistermix. Loved the movie and it totally fits the bill here…heh
pablo
I don’t know, I kind of see Boner/Hamm. Except maybe all that crying about the amount of pulchritudinous beauty that abounds!
Church Lady
The smoking, the drinking, the tan…….He’s the Dean Martin of Ohio!
de stijl
I’ve been Googling and I am abjectly dissatisfied with the current slate of the web available taxonomy of drunks. I may have to rectify this.
Comrade PhysioProf
Good looks!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Jeezus motherfucke.
trollhattan
Those who mock Boehner’s shot at replacing Don Draper can only do so if they fail to recall his impressive stint replacing Mister T on the final season of “The A-Team.”
So there.
Bill Murray
It seems clear that Stu can’t be a Steve because he could never be excellent outside his own mind, let alone in someone else’s presence
Triassic Sands
The huge Orange Boner does look like a lush — there’s no denying that.
wenchacha
I’ll go with Duck Phillips. You’ve got the drinking problem, the “not-quite-fitting-in” thing. Duck is somewhat paler than Boehner, but so is most of the House.
There is not one minute in one day where I would imagine JB as a stand-in for Don Draper. Draper is a genius, but his own worst enemy. Boehner, on the other hand, is one lazy but lucky guy with lots of worse enemies.
For all the Republican hate for DADT, there sure is plenty o’ Man-Man lovin’ going on. Not that there’s anything wrong, etc., etc.
kth
Boehner seems like a rico suave enough kinda guy, especially compared to the rednecks and paranoids in his party, but jeez, Stu, get up off of Boehner’s, well, boehner.
Shawntos
Kudos to the Tao of Steve reference.
Petorado
Unlike Rothenberg, I don’t see Boehner as a poor man’s Don Draper. He’s more of a rich man’s Boris Yeltsin.
debbie
My dad ran an agency and I worked summers there back in the late 1960s, and John Boehner is too smarmy for advertising. He’s already found his ideal niche — politics. Leave him be.
Mac G
Like Don Draper would cry as much as Boehner. He reminds me more of Duck Phillips.
carla G
@Josie:
Jon Hamm did a skit on SNL playing Boehner, my favorite line he told ‘pelosi’ he has “something he would like to introduce to the senate floor….your panties!”
James E Powell
@WereBear:
There’s a fascinating book called The Man that came out in the sixties
Also, too a movie starring James Earl Jones.
urbanmeemaw
Ewwwwww. Don’t even mention John Boehner in the same sentence with Jon Hamm. Boehner oozes flabby, pasty sleeze, fake tan not withstanding.