Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

The Supreme Court cannot be allowed to become the ultimate, unaccountable arbiter of everything.

This must be what justice looks like, not vengeful, just peaceful exuberance.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. keep building.

Well, whatever it is, it’s better than being a Republican.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

Welcome to day five of every-bit-as-bad-as-you-thought-it-would-be.

Stamping your little feets and demanding that they see how important you are? Not working anymore.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

My right to basic bodily autonomy is not on the table. that’s the new deal.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

Celebrate the fucking wins.

Innocent people don’t delay justice.

Come on, man.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

Jack be nimble, jack be quick, hurry up and indict this prick.

In after Baud. Damn.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Let me file that under fuck it.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Wholly Outsourced Snark

Wholly Outsourced Snark

by | 98 Comments

This post is in: 

This letter to today’s Times nailed it, IMHO.  Mr Samuel Reifler of Rhinebeck, N.Y. (one of my favorite town names, for some reason) writes:

The bizarre behavior of Gil Meche, who gave up $12 million because he “felt bad” about taking money he had not earned, is a slap in the face to those toilers in the finance industry who courageously set aside their moral scruples and accept multimillion-dollar bonuses in the face of an economic crisis of their own making. It is to be hoped that Meche, in light of the example of those whose Ivy League degrees attest to a deeper understanding of this sort of moral and ethical quandary, will change his mind.

To which I can only add, in the spirit of this song, that there is some Balloon Juice in everybody.  (Michael J. Fox excepted, as always.)

__

Image: Margret Hofheinz-Döring, The Miser, 1926.

Reader Interactions

98Comments

  2. 2.

    Yutsano

    I lurve that painting. It’s like Liechtenstein on an acid trip. With actual humans.

    And Gil Meche certainly didn’t earn that cash. Trust me. Any team willing to shell out that much dough for a mediocre pitcher deserves derision and scorn.

  3. 3.

    asiangrrlMN

    Tom, that’s an amazing painting. Shamefully, I’ve never even heard of the artist. As for Meche, I admire him for doing the right thing. He owned up to the fact that he did not earn his monies and quit. I think Mr. Snarky Pants is the letter got it backwards (yes, I know that was the point). I wish the fat cats on Wall Street would take a tip from Gil Meche.

    @Yutsano: Hi, hon. How you be? More importantly, how Princess Lexie be?

  4. 4.

    TaMara (BHF)

    This entire post if full of win. Thanks for this Tom.

    Hi Yutsano! Hi asianfrrlMN! I’m thinking Yutsano owes me a recipe….not that I’m expecting one, but I think I was promised one. I could be wrong, but I so seldom am. /snark

  7. 7.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Her Royal Highness is a quivering pile of purring fur right in front of me. And pork enchiladas are almost done.

    Otherwise I’m sweet. I’m still thinking that the car will get bought some time in the spring unless something favorable happens in the interim.

    @TaMara (BHF): Hehehe. Well what I did tonight so far seems rather successful (especially the sauce, SERIOUS nom) so I’ll try to re-trace my steps and drop you an e-mail later tonight. Don’t want to do that for sure until the final results get sampled. Which is about now!

  9. 9.

    Violet

    @RossInDetroit:
    Ah, Mojo Nixon. The very best concert I ever saw, hands down, was the Pleasure Barons. A rocking riot from start to finish. They had a bar on stage and imbibed liberally throughout the show. If they weren’t featured on a song, they were drinking. They were on fire all night. That’s what rock ‘n roll is all about.

    Led by the late, great, Country Dick Montana and featuring the Reverend Mojo Nixon and the incomparable Dave Alvin, the Pleasure Barons laid waste to rock and roll convention. Call it cow punk, psycho-billy, or pure mayhem, this CD is a monument to what makes rock great. It will never happen again.
    __
    The greatest supergroup never to be seen again. Perfect mix of drunken pyschos doing fantastic music that would make the clowns at The Rock and Roll Hall of Lame quake in their booties.

    RIP Country Dick Montana.

  10. 10.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Yutsano: Aw, I love it when they purr up a storm. Shadow is in his favorite spot–on my legs.

    @TaMara (BHF): How come you didn’t ask ME for a recipe? /hahahah I don’t cook.

    @Tom Levenson: So, you just Google whatever you’re looking for and use your fave example? Cool.

    ETA: WikiCommons–even better. I use them all the time for open source images.

    Andy K., do I even want to know what that means?

  12. 12.

    Omnes Omnibus

    First work of Hofheinz-Doring I have ever seen. I clicked through and looked at some of her other pieces. Me like.

  13. 13.

    RossInDetroit

    Some Mojo Nixon Dirt. This does not surprise me at all.

    A supporter of the Libertarian Party, he has a degree in political science and history from Miami University in Ohio. He was also the honorary captain of the United States luge team at the 1998 Winter Olympics.[3]
    He is a member of the Church of the SubGenius.[4]

  15. 15.

    JGabriel

    Samuel Reifler:

    The bizarre behavior of Gil Meche, who gave up $12 million because he “felt bad” about taking money he had not earned, is a slap in the face to those toilers in the finance industry who courageously set aside their moral scruples and accept multimillion-dollar bonuses in the face of an economic crisis of their own making.

    That is A Grade snark, no doubt. But what’s really surprising is that the NYT published it. LTE’s usually have a high earnestness quotient at the Times.

    .

  16. 16.

    TaMara (BHF)

    @asiangrrlMN: It’s that time of year when I’m in need of inspiration, so I’d ask you. You must have some go to meals you cook for yourself.

    Anyone else want to share some favorite recipes for me to post over at W4D? email: whats4dinnersolutions (at) live (dot) com

  17. 17.

    RossInDetroit

    @Violet:

    They had a bar on stage and imbibed liberally throughout the show. If they weren’t featured on a song, they were drinking.

    Every person I know who saw that tour has told me that story like they were relating an alien abduction or a vision of the Blessed Virgin.
    Truly epic Rock and Roll comes along too rarely and must be celebrated.

  21. 21.

    RossInDetroit

    Oh, and Mojo has a Stimulus Plan of his own:

    Can’t wait for Washington to fix the economy. We must take bold action now. If I make the new album free and my entire catalog free it will stimulate the economy. It might even over-stimulate the economy. History has shown than when people listen to my music, money tends to flow to bartenders, race tracks, late night greasy spoons, bail bondsman, go kart tracks, tractor pulls, football games, peep shows and several black market vices. My music causes itches that it usually takes some money to scratch.[6]

  22. 22.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): I know this song! I’ve heard it before. My explanation for Balloon Juice jeans was much more interesting, though. At least in my head.

    @TaMara (BHF): No, I seriously do not cook at all. The most I do is throw together a burrito-like thing with roast chicken as the meat. I use spelt tortillas and almond-based cheese (the only really good fake cheese I’ve found). Other than that, I have really good co-ops near me that make really tasty food.

    I am trying to start expanding my repertoire, but I hate cooking for one.

    @jeffreyw: You should send that into TaMara. Oh wait….

  30. 30.

    Jim, Once

    @Violet: I’ll give you Mojo Nixon, although I’ve never seen them live – but have you seen Gogol Bordello live? I just want to follow them around the world as they perform. Can’t get enough of ’em. Don’t bother youtubing them – nothing comes close to seeing them up close.

    Great, great snark, Tom. I do have to give the Times credit, though – they actually published one of mine in which I discussed the possibility of having Frank Rich’s baby. In retrospect, I think it would have been better if they had quashed that particular mash letter.

  32. 32.

    PIGL

    @asiangrrlMN: cookin’ for one, eatin’ for two, drinkin’ for three. My downfall.

    “Perhaps Joni Mitchell said it best:” “the frying pan’s too wide.”.

  33. 33.

    Violet

    @RossInDetroit:
    It was simply the most amazing concert I’ve ever seen. I have tried to describe it to people. It’s just not possible. Once in a lifetime.

    @Tom Levenson:
    I met Country Dick Montana once. We went to a concert of his. Another totally crazy experience. Before or after the show (can’t remember now) we were outside getting some fresh air and there he was, having a drink. We all hung out for awhile. He was a nice guy. Such a deep, deep voice.

  34. 34.

    goatchowder

    My favorite outsourced snark ever, so far, was from (where else?) a Wonkette post, to wit:

    You know what? If you want 50 billion dollars, you get up off your couch and go out there and start a huge corporation that exploits millions of helpless poor people and destroys the environment. Then hire a bunch of lobbyists and contribute shitloads of money to elected officials to make sure you get all kinds of tax breaks and deregulations that help you further exploit and destroy in order to make even more money.

    And when you’ve done all that hard work and you have your 50 billion dollars, and some liberal communist comes along and wants to raise your taxes from 35% ro 37% so some whiny ass kid can have a school lunch and a grant to go to college, you see how YOU feel. Then we’ll talk.

    Interestingly, same topic too.

  35. 35.

    goatchowder

    Arrgh, FYWP

    You know what? If you want 50 billion dollars, you get up off your couch and go out there and start a huge corporation that exploits millions of helpless poor people and destroys the environment. Then hire a bunch of lobbyists and contribute shitloads of money to elected officials to make sure you get all kinds of tax breaks and deregulations that help you further exploit and destroy in order to make even more money. And when you’ve done all that hard work and you have your 50 billion dollars, and some liberal communist comes along and wants to raise your taxes from 35% ro 37% so some whiny ass kid can have a school lunch and a grant to go to college, you see how YOU feel. Then we’ll talk.

  37. 37.

    freelancer

    This is High Art of snark. Most aren’t going to get it. A couple years back, I tried to explain “The Onion” to my mother.

    “Is this a real thing?”
    “No. No, Mom, it’s fake news!”
    [Her head explodes] “FAKE news?!”
    “Yes, written to point out how ridiculous the style and content of actual news and culture actually are. Satire.”
    “But, but, but…why would anyone spend their time reading, let alone writing news that’s not really news?”
    “Because it’s edifying. Because it’s funny.”
    “I guess.”

    My Mom is the first and only person in her immediate family to earn a college degree. She’s a brilliant person, but is very much tone deaf to certain aspects of the 21st century/literary tropes.

  38. 38.

    Jim, Once

    @Violet:
    Sorry, Vi. I’m fuzzy tonight – too many cold pills. Didn’t catch the Pleasure Barons reference. Thanks so much for that – will definitely check them out.

  39. 39.

    Violet

    @Jim, Once:
    I wish you could have seen them live. Sadly, never again. RIP Country Dick Montana.

    I’ve never heard of Gogol Bordello, but I’m intrigued by the name alone.

  40. 40.

    Tom Levenson

    @Violet: Gogol Bordello is great stuff, and the tip of the iceberg of some very bizarre twists and turns in rock and roll as it makes its way through post apocalyptic ex-cold war conflict states.

    My bud, Wayne Marshall (@wayneandwax on twitter, wayneandwax.com for more substance) is my guide to a lot of it. Fun stuff.

    @Violet: My best story like that came through a bizarre chance encounter with Vincent Price. I’ll save that for some later post…but it’s a good one. Country Dick’s voice should be in the Smithsonian.

  41. 41.

    Yutsano

    @TaMara (BHF): Psst. You. Yeah you. Check inbox please. And give it a test run before publishing as the amounts are pretty much guesses. I never measure and I never write anything down. There is a reason why I didn’t go for The Next Food Network Star besides my face for radio.

  42. 42.

    hamletta

    I was once a dancin’ girl for Mojo. I dragged my girlfriend up on stage behind Mojo when he asked for dancin’ girls.

    He didn’t see us, but he asked the audience if we were wearin’ black brassieres.

    My fellow dancin’ girl was shot in the Mumbai terrorist attacks a couple of years ago. A few weeks ago, we heard that she walks!

    Elvis truly is everywhere.

  44. 44.

    Jim, Once

    @Violet: Re – GB: I saw them first at the Austin City Limits festival last October. My niece said they were a must see, so I went just so I could tell her I did. Oh.My.God. As I stood in line to see them again in Madison, WI, the guy behind me made gentle fun of the little old lady getting up close to see them. Later, he and I were dancing madly in the aisle.

  47. 47.

    Yutsano

    @freelancer: Cooking fake Mexican food and ducking housework that really should be done tonight for now. I did go to the store today and stare at a Portuguese wine debating if I should get it. I probably will next time I go.

  51. 51.

    freelancer

    @Yutsano:

    Cooking fake Mexican food

    The only thing to worry about is whether your meat is actually meat. Then it’s never “fake” Mexican. If a Deist Jew stir-fries noodles, beef, onions, snap peas, water chestnuts in a Wok with Chili, Sesame, and Wok oils, does that mean he’s making “fake” Chinese food?

  52. 52.

    tim serbo

    @asiangrrlMN: tell me about almond cheese, o timeless houri. oh, god, i’m being so good with my low-fat, hi-veg diet, but i do linger longingly at my market’s cheese counter.

  54. 54.

    asiangrrlMN

    @freelancer: Yes. And, apparently, TacoHell’s beef is roughly thirty percent beef and seventy percent ground dog shit.

    @tim serbo: I don’t know how ‘good’ it is for you, but it’s very tasty. I am lactose-intolerant, and this is the only brand I’ve tasted that I would actually eat on (non-wheat) crackers. The Jalapeno Jack Style is my favorite.

    P.S. I love the word houri. ::swoons::

  58. 58.

    suzanne

    In my quest to lose the last five or so pounds of my baby weight, I am being very good about healthy eating. Which I love, but I will cop to a sweet tooth, and I like treats. Anyone got any healthy dessert suggestions?

    The baby is so cute that I don’t even mind when she covers me in barf. Okay, I don’t mind MUCH.

  59. 59.

    freelancer

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Yes. And, apparently, TacoHell’s beef is roughly thirty percent beef and seventy percent ground dog shit.

    I heard it was soy, and that cracked me up.

    I’m sorry that America learned today that you learned you actually like the taste of soy products. I know how traumatic that can be. I’ve seen small children, greedily eating a food they claimed to dislike but that has been served to them in disguise, only to be told what it was, which required spitting it out and saying, “Gross!” We, as a nation, are this small child, or at least that’s how it seems from the breathless coverage this scandal has been given in the news. We can’t see ourselves as people who eat soy. It’s gross. No matter how much we like it.

    This is especially amusing when I recall the rare occassions when my friend Adam’s wife, Tomoka, who is Japanese, has cooked a Korean Kimchi soup with Tofu, and I had no objections, in fact it was spicy and yummy. That said, when I’m not around them, I NEVER eat tofu or sushi. My palette is prejudiced, what can I say?

  61. 61.

    tim serbo

    @asiangrrlMN: nature has endowed me with a large…lexicon. heh-heh.

    thanks for the cheez tip. looks like the sodium is a tad on the high side, but i can probably get away with a few shavings now and again. anent your lactose intolerance, my condolences. going through life without ice cream isn’t quite as bad as going through life without a sense of humor, but still…

  62. 62.

    Violet

    @suzanne:

    Anyone got any healthy dessert suggestions?

    Does fruit work for you? It’s a pretty healthy dessert. Doesn’t work for me. Dark chocolate does though. In small doses it’s considered “healthy.”

    You could try the dessert from the South Beach Diet book: half a cup of low fat ricotta cheese mixed with a packet of Splenda and a flavor of your choice, like half a teaspoon of vanilla extract or a quarter teaspoon of almond extract and a few slivered almonds, etc. Mix cocoa powder into it for a chocolate version. I’m not sure it’s healthy but it’s not horrible for you. If you don’t like fake sweetener, try adding just enough sugar to taste.

  64. 64.

    Violet

    @freelancer:
    The whole Taco Bell meat being soy really ticks me off. I avoid soy. It doesn’t agree with me and it’s bad for people with thyroid problems (like me). It’s okay in moderation when eaten in more traditional or whole forms, like tofu, tempeh or edamame. It’s much less good in forms like soy milk or as some sort of “soy meat product.” Soy is also high on the list of common food allergies. I know people who have very bad reactions to soy.

    Taco Bell should have been honest from the beginning. If they want to use it, fine. But tell people what’s in it so their customers can make educated decisions when deciding what to eat.

  65. 65.

    asiangrrlMN

    @freelancer: Yeah, I thought it was funny that people were eating soy and loving it. You really can fool people if you just don’t tell them what’s in a dish.

    @suzanne: Healthy? How about fruit with a dollop of whipped cream (the real stuff)? Otherwise, I would tell you to have a smaller portion of your favorite dessert. And, these cones (first product) are amazingly good (no dairy), but I doubt they are THAT good for you.

  66. 66.

    freelancer

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Yeah, I thought it was funny that people were eating soy and loving it. You really can fool people if you just don’t tell them what’s in a dish.

    Uh yes. See also No Child Left Behind and the Clear Skies Initiative.

  67. 67.

    Yutsano

    @Violet: Another good healthy sweetener to use is honey. Not only is it natural and easy to digest, it also has antioxidants in it as well, so it’s not just pure glucose like sugar is. Plus I admit I have a big weakness for dark chocolate sweetened with honey.

  68. 68.

    asiangrrlMN

    @freelancer: Thanks, Debbie Downer. Too true, though. Sigh.

    And, FYWP. Why you et my comment to tim serbo?

    @tim serbo: I like a man with a large lexicon! Anent is another favorite word of mine. As is defenestration, exsanguination, deliquesce, and ablution. Check out the link I gave to suzanne for some really tasty tofu-based ice cream cones. I just need to find a version with no wheat as well. Sigh.

    FYWP, twice, in the right eye (in advance in case you eat my comment again).

  69. 69.

    suzanne

    @Violet: I do fruit a lot, and I like it, but it’s a bit less inspiring in the winter, yanno? I want berries and peaches. Dark chocolate is delicious, but I can’t eat as much as I want without it no longer being healthy, so I’m trying to find alternatives.

  70. 70.

    suzanne

    @asiangrrlMN: Tofutti is pretty good, for sure. I get the “ice cream” sandwiches from time to time. I’m just kind of hoping for some recipes. A friend of mine who’s doing a raw diet gave me a recipe for pseudo-ice cream made from frozen bananas, and I’m gonna give that a whirl.

  74. 74.

    Violet

    @asiangrrlMN:
    You’ve tried Purely Decadent coconut milk ice cream, right? It’s dairy free and there are a lot of gluten-free flavors as well. It’s fabulous. It’s high fat (coconut milk), but supposedly coconut fat is good for you, so I try not to focus on the fat content. They’re made with agave, so low on the glycemic scale. My local Whole Foods carries them and even Kroger does now.

  76. 76.

    Violet

    @suzanne:

    I want berries and peaches.

    Do you cook? It’s easy to make a fairly health cobbler/crumble. Get some frozen fruit. You can use peaches and/or berries for this to get your fix. Toss it in a baking dish.

    For the topping mix together butter (you can use just a little, but more makes a better topping), oats, brown sugar, and a little flour to hold it together. You can add nuts and spices like cinnamon to the topping if you want. Use just enough butter to get it to hold together.

    Sprinkle the topping on the frozen fruit, bake at 375 until bubbly and topping is brown. Eat and enjoy. You can add ice cream or cream if you like, but those obviously add calories.

    This time of year a cobbler or crumble is excellent. Warm, hearty and the fruit makes it pretty healthy. It really is easy to make.

  77. 77.

    suzanne

    @Omnes Omnibus: That’s a summer favorite of mine— it’s a knockoff Strawberries Romanoff. (The real thing is great, too, ’cause alcohol is involved.) I just need more winter options in my repertoire. I have an ice cream maker I’ve never used (wedding gift)—I wonder if I could make sorbet or gelato with it?

  78. 78.

    suzanne

    @Violet: That is a fabulous idea. I’m gonna try it tomorrow. Maybe with apples… the kid loves ’em.

  80. 80.

    Violet

    @asiangrrlMN:
    That’s funny, I feel the same way about soy. I’m not supposed to have much soy (doctor’s orders) but it also upsets my stomach and I feel it has a very strong flavor. I love coconut so the coconut version works for me.

  83. 83.

    Violet

    @asiangrrlMN:
    I grew up eating mostly vegan, so had plenty of tofu and tempeh. I like those, and I also like edamame. I don’t like the Americanized versions of soy. Soymilk ice cream seems so wrong to me. And I end up with a tummy ache.

  84. 84.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Violet: Ah. I get what you’re saying. I agree with you for the most part. I like soy ice cream. I have tried rice ice cream and other substitutes. Ugh.

    To each her own–whatever makes your stomach happy, I say.

    And, we’re supposed to get 3 – 5 inches of snow which makes me a little happy.

  87. 87.

    J. Michael Neal

    @asiangrrlMN:

    As for Meche, I admire him for doing the right thing. He owned up to the fact that he did not earn his monies and quit.

    I gotts say, bullshit. The Royals got a gift that they don’t deserve. The reason Gil Meche can’t fulfill his end of the contract and pitch 32 games for Kansas City is because his shoulder exploded three years ago when he tried to do that. He was permanently injured in the course of performing his job.

    When a baseball team signs a player to a long term contract, both parties are taking a risk. The player is taking the risk that something is going to go horribly wrong with his body that subjects him to multiple surgeries and a lifetime of pain. The team is taking the risk that something is going to go horribly wrong with the player’s body and he won’t be able to perform.

    If the team doesn’t want to take that risk, there is a very simple alternative for them: don’t ever sign a player to a long term contract. If they don’t, then they will never be on the hook for another season with no performance. Of course, the player also will not be on the hook to play for that team again if his performance improves and he can get a new contract for more money with someone else.

    Of course, that approach has different risks. Such is life. Figure out which ones to take. The NFL alternative of saying that contracts tie players to teams but not vice versa is one that I find morally repellent. Guaranteed years should mean guaranteed money.

    None of this is meant as criticism of Meche. If he decides that he doesn’t want to require the Royals to pay him everything, more power to him. Even if all he wants is not to have to go through more rehab in the hopes of pitching again, which the Royals are entitled to require him to do in order to get paid is fine. That’s all his decision. But it would be no less the right thing to do for him to insist that the Royals live up to the contract that they willingly entered into in order to secure his services.

  88. 88.

    asiangrrlMN

    @J. Michael Neal: I can see your point; I disagree. He did the right thing because he’s not worth the money. (And, I’m positing for the sake of argument that any athlete is worth that kind of money). I am not talking from a legal point of view–I agree that the contract is what it is and that once offered, it should be paid. I’m talking about from a personal standpoint.

  89. 89.

    Elvis is everywhere

    @Violet: If this works, I will always and forever be “Elvis is everywhere”!

    I am broadening my horizons, i.e., joining BJ.

    Go Pack!

  90. 90.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: You’ll takes yer snow and ye’lls likes it ya heah?

    (I have no idea what that accent was.)

    And tonight Lexie is halcyon kitteh. And purring by my chest as I type. I think I should stone her more often.

  92. 92.

    Ruckus

    @suzanne:
    A fruit smoothy is pretty good.
    banana, yogurt, honey, soy or almond milk if you can’t do dairy, frozen blueberries, some ice if you like it real cold. If you want healthy at the same time add in flax seed meal. I used to grind my own using a coffee mill.

  93. 93.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Yup. She was drugged up wild thang for a few hours and now she’s crashed. She’s passed out on the bed in a place where I can curl up to and not bug her.

    @Ruckus:

    If you want healthy at the same time add in flax seed meal.

    You had me until there. We HATES flaxseed oil. Hates hates hates it. Like FH #1 hates sheepses hates. I can always taste it and it always tastes like pure ass to me. Plus blueberries are little bombs of nutrition. So that’ll do.

  95. 95.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Now whatever could have possibly given you the impression that I don’t like flaxseed oil?

    :: dons angel halo ::

    Actually according to the Dawg I can’t wear halos any more. I had to give them up when I became ebil gubmint worker.

  97. 97.

    Bill Murray

    @asiangrrlMN: it is very likely that the club has insurance to cover player’s salaries when lost to injury. By his not taking or giving back the money, the team ends up getting paid twice.

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