Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

They want us to be overwhelmed and exhausted. Focus. Resist. Oppose.

Today in our ongoing national embarrassment…

Humiliatingly small and eclipsed by the derision of millions.

Dear media: perhaps we ought to let Donald Trump speak for himself!

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

The line between political reporting and fan fiction continues to blur.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

It’s pointless to bring up problems that can only be solved with a time machine.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

“In this country American means white. everybody else has to hyphenate.”

Museums are not America’s attic for its racist shit.

Let there be snark.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

“In the future, this lab will be a museum. do not touch it.”

The arc of the moral universe does not bend itself. it is up to us to bend it.

Jack Smith: “Why did you start campaigning in the middle of my investigation?!”

One way or another, he’s a liar.

I’m more christian than these people and i’m an atheist.

How stupid are these people?

The willow is too close to the house.

Shut up, hissy kitty!

“woke” is the new caravan.

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

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Late Night Open Thread

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I’m listening to Little Feat (go figure) and Zappa is next (also go figure).

I also have three strippers and 2 eight-balls of blow, and unless we run out of cigarettes or scotch one of us is guaranteed to hear my wake up call at 7 am so I make it home in time for the Steelers game.

And if I don’t, well, you know. Shit happens.

(There is also the distinct possibility I’m making all of this up for dramatic effect and went out to eat, found nothing exciting, and am just pretending to have a wild social life. Also, too. )

*** Update ***

I didn’t mean to suggest that all of my fantasy scenarios involve strippers and cocaine- as anyone who knows me will tell you that is clearly not true. Most of my fantasy scenarios involve the lottery, strippers, and drugs. I apologize for any confusion.

*** Update #2 ***

I should probably point out that nearly all of my recent fantasy scenarios involve someone adopting Rosie. And milkshakes.

Reader Interactions

71Comments

  1. 1.

    JWL

    You haven’t been saying jack shit about the Steelers this past week. I assume it’s a jinx thing. If this post jinxes your jinx, well and good.

    Go Packers…

  2. 2.

    asiangrrlMN

    Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s bound to be more fun than what I’m doing–fighting off ague as I clean the damn house (with plenty of resting in between). I am freezing. I don’t do freezing!

  3. 3.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Hi hon. I take this comment to mean that she hasn’t arrived yet and you’re still at least flirting with sanity at this time. At least I hope that’s what that means.

  4. 4.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Yutsano: Yes on the former. I seem to have come down with something that is giving me the chills. So, I have the heater set at 65. SIXTY-FIVE! I normally have it set at 62 during the days and 60 at nights. So, I am fighting off the ague while cleaning. Bathrooms up next.

    How you be?

  6. 6.

    The Dangerman

    There was an emergency from the previous thread about a Beach Boys song (the name WON’T be mentioned here)…

    …so, if there is a need to break the glass, check out these two gems of The Boss. The first one has been seen 210K times on Youtube (ok, it’s not just Bruce in that one) and the second one has been seen only 2K times (which is a f’ing crime, as it’s an amazing solo). 100 to 1 view ratio? Unbelievable given the songs. Without further introduction:

    Bruce with Melissa Etheridge

    Bruce Alone

  7. 7.

    cmorenc

    I think you only have two strippers and a quarter-ounce of really good pot, plus a little scotch n’ soda. The rest was embellishment for dramatic effect.

  9. 9.

    Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q)

    Please no twit pics from the strippers this time, Charlie. And count me in for a contribution for Rosie’s trip to JRT acre in Texas. I’m pretty sure we could pull that off, even though I won’t drive a leg of it, if only to demonstrate that there are some things even lawyers just won’t do.

    But I’ll help in any other way (except remembering the commenter who has the acre and other JRTs’ name).

  10. 10.

    JGabriel

    cmorenc:

    I think you only have two strippers and a quarter-ounce of really good pot …

    And I think the strippers are just a couple of homeless Jack Russell Terriers that followed him back to the hotel after dinner. The pot is probably oregano, too.

    .

  11. 11.

    jwalden91lx

    From the way that post started, I thought you were gonna tell us you were planning a run for Senate.

  15. 15.

    Yutsano

    @JGabriel: Or catnip. Which will make him rather popular with the Lord and Master tomorrow when JC returns. Though even if it is oregano, hey, that still has uses, amirite?

    @asiangrrlMN: I foresee mucho quantities of black chicken soup in your near future. Which I’m sure is exactly what you wanted your mother to do, as you’ll be more or less a captive audience for her. Still, nom.

    I’m good, taxes are done though I’m fighting over my registration PIN that I used to file them. That and a little housework got done here too. Lexie assisted with the taxes. Which consisted of constantly attacking my mouse as I tried to plug in numbers.

  16. 16.

    Punchy

    Hookers and blow, John? If I remember correctly, doesn’t your mom and sister peruse this blog? The mere thought of you with 3 fingers of scotch and 3 fingers in hootch must turn a lot of stomachs in the Cole Clan.

    Having said that, here’s to you getting laid sometime this century.

  17. 17.

    asiangrrlMN

    @JGabriel: I must say that’s the song that was lurking in my agued brain.

    @Yutsano: Of course Lexie attacked the mouse! She’s a cat. And, I have to confess something to you. My mom never cooked black chicken soup. Whew! I feel so much better with that dastardly secret off my chest. I just took your name in vain in the thread below.

  18. 18.

    Steve L.

    John, I’ve decided to conclude my night with The National. Some people like strippers and coke, others prefer scotch and regret.

  19. 19.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: And of course now she’s a purring mass of fur right next to me. I wonder if Maine coons have really soft coats, because hers is just so silky and luxurious. It really feels nice.

    And the soup thing is no big. It does look interesting though. And she just might go there this visit.

  20. 20.

    Warren Terra

    You’re putting milkshakes up for adoption? I’m not really close enough to take you up on that, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find, ah, homes for them. Unless … what’s in the milkshakes?

    PS As I start typing “milkshakes”, iOS spellcheck suggests to me that I’m typing “mullah”. Take that for what you will.

  21. 21.

    Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)

    @RossInDetroit: I can show you every toilet and wall in the county where my younger, inexperienced self did not get the stripper off in time and left a stain. When ever I see one I shake my head and mentally cuff that callow youth.

  22. 22.

    Dead Ernest

    “listening to Little Feat (go figure)… Zappa is next (also go figure)”…

    Little Feat and Zappa are pretty much daily fare in my world, so I’m left to wonder; why is there this Going and Figuring needing to be done?

  23. 23.

    buford puser

    Lottery, Strippers & Drugs?
    Hmmmm.
    After “Turn me on dead man”, I sense a psychedelic trend emerging.

  26. 26.

    kdaug

    In my heart of hearts, I believe that Cole is sitting on the edge of his bed in a drab hotel room clipping his toenails.

    50/50 that a clipping flew up and is now residing in what remains of his hair.

  27. 27.

    Amanda in the South Bay

    “Its the 80s, do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan”

    Just for all you mst3k fans, I thought it as appropriate for this and the previous Doug thread.

    :)

  29. 29.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: She’s still very much a kitten though. It never lasts for very long before she just haz to get up NAOW!! and move. Now she’s playing teh sleepies game. She’s still on the bed though.

  30. 30.

    Mark S.

    Deion Sanders on making the Hall of Fame:

    Next to the Bible, my favorite book was `The Little Engine That Could.’ I read that story so many times, I know it by heart. And a couple trains passed that engine until he started saying to himself: ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ And that’s what I modeled my career after. I mean, it sounds arrogant, it sounds brash, it sounds cocky. But it was real.

    Jesus, Deion, every time you opened your mouth while you were playing you invariably said something both stupid and arrogant, but here you’re actually not being arrogant. I don’t think you really know what that word means.

  31. 31.

    Comrade Kevin

    I’m gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!

  32. 32.

    Steeplejack

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I am freezing.

    WTF?! I thought you were all about the “I’m wearing my wife-beater T-shirt in the 10° weather, bitchez”? Where did that all go. Or does Big Mamou sap you of your superpowers as she gets closer?

  37. 37.

    Yutsano

    @bago: She definitely has a lot of it. Looking at her and thinking of her mother I’m thinking a bunch of recessive genes came into play in her. Except one: size. She’s still amazingly tiny. She definitely haz teh cute down pat though.

  38. 38.

    piratedan

    @Mark S.: well he was (Deion Sanders) an extremely effective cover corner and return man. He did battle some serious injuries with hamstrings and turf toe. Last I checked tho, football was a contact sport and while Mr. Sanders was definately a player to be reckoned with when it came to the passing game, as a tackler in the open field, he was no Betty White. Still worthy of the HOF imho but yeah, sometimes I could do with a little less self promotion on his part. Congrats to the other honorees and especially to a humble gentleman who I followed in my youth, Chris Hanburger, congrats sir, the honor is waaaaay overdue.

  39. 39.

    hilts

    America’s dumbest politician weighs in on President Obama’s handling of the crisis in Egypt

    Sarah Palin: “It’s a difficult situation, this is that 3am White House phone call and it seems for many of us trying to get that information from our leader in the White House it it seems that that call went right to um the answering machine. And nobody yet has, no body yet has explained to the American public what they know, and surely they know more than the rest of us know who it is who will be taking the place of Mubarak and I’m not real enthused about what it is that that’s being done on a national level and from DC in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt. And in these areas that are so volatile right now because obviously it’s not just Egypt but the other countries too where we are seeing uprisings, we know that now more than ever, we need strength and sound mind there in the White House. We need to know what it is that America stands for so we know who it is that America will stand with. And we do not have all that information yet.”

    h/t http://blogs.cbn.com/thebrodyfile/archive/2011/02/05/exclusive-sarah-palin-interview-with-the-brody-file.aspx

  40. 40.

    Steeplejack

    I seem to have lost the, um, thread of which threads I’m supposed to be killing with my baleful presence, so I think I will toddle off to bed.

    Champagne, like bacon, makes everything better.

  41. 41.

    Yutsano

    @hilts: She was better off in total silence. Of course she didn’t really say much of anything there either. Sigh. Can she and her whole family just go away now?

  44. 44.

    hilts

    @Yutsano:

    Sarah Palin is an Epic Pratfall. Watching the Mooseburger Queen speak is like watching an endless loop of someone slipping on a banana peel. Palin is so fucking dumb, her last name should be made a unit of measurement to quantify stupidity.

  46. 46.

    Yutsano

    @hilts: The only real reason I can think of now that she has followers is tribalism. She says very little of substance, weighs in on matters that she has little to no knowledge of, and continues on as if she is perfectly suited to be the role of queen. At some point someone will show that she really is a queen with no clothes. But it has to be a Limbaugh or a Beck to have any effect.

  48. 48.

    Mark S.

    @hilts:

    Dear God, that was even dumber than I expected from her, and I wasn’t expecting much. She’s really got to be the dumbest national politician in American history. Dan Quayle wasn’t nearly that stupid.

    I actually feel I’m doing Quayle a disservice by even comparing him with her.

  51. 51.

    hilts

    @Yutsano:

    At some point someone will show that she really is a queen with no clothes.

    Palin is definitely a Queen with no clothes except for the $150,000 wardrobe she purchased during the 2008 presidential campaign.

    I can’t believe Palin actually earned a college degree based on the stone cold stupidity she displays every time she opens her big mouth.

  54. 54.

    Yutsano

    @hilts: I’m going to stand up for the University of Idaho here a bit (and as a Bronco that hurts but anyway) and say that they have several excellent academic majors including a decent law school. But their journalism school isn’t one of their strong points. Kinda tough when the Edward R. Murrow School of Communications is eight miles away. Yeah I went to a cow college/journalist factory, leave me alone. All she had to do is pull a 2.0 in the required coursework and she was done. How vigorous that coursework was is hard to say. It’s probably the last time anything vigorous was expected of her.

  55. 55.

    guachi

    Wait… you want someone to adopt milkshakes?

    Okay, I will adopt your milkshake if you guarantee that it will, in fact, bring all the boys in yard.

  56. 56.

    hilts

    @Yutsano:

    The most depressing thing about Sarah Palin is that 30 years ago if any politician with presidential aspirations had demonstrated this monumental level of stupidity, leading politicians would have approached this politician in private and told him or her to shut the hell up.

  57. 57.

    Thoughtcrime

    @hilts:

    Comment from SFGate.com:

    palin heard ‘walk like an Egyptian’ on the radio once, so she’s clearly qualified to chime in

  59. 59.

    Maude

    And then there’s always the dream that the house sitter is in tears because Rosie took off and hasn’t been found.

  63. 63.

    RossInDetroit

    Palin as a unit of stupidity. Yes, that could be done but the whole number One Palin is far too much stupid for ordinary use. Like one Farad it’s a colossal number. I propose for ordinary use the mili, micro, nano and picopalin, being respectively 1/1000, 1/100,000, 1/1,000,000,000 and 1/000,000,000,000 of a Palin.
    A George Will column, for instance, would probably clock in at 2.3 picopalins/colums inch. Rush Limbaugh could be calibrated at around 10 milipalins/minute.

    That would work.

  64. 64.

    abo gato

    it is I, the occasional commenter and lurker, who volunteered to take the Rosie. Right now, the two free roaming JRTs at my house are busy barking at the deer out front. They are pretty damn loud. My husband will likely be distraught when a third shows up. Oh well.

  65. 65.

    Bob

    I should probably point out that nearly all of my recent fantasy scenarios involve…milkshakes.

    Milkshakes, phooey. Go, malts!

  66. 66.

    Josie

    @abo gato: Wow, I feel like a conjurer. Write your name and there you are. You must be a woman of infinite patience to contemplate three. From John’s description, Rosie has similar characteristics to my son’s crazy pug, whom I am currently keeping for a year. I cannot imagine three of her, but maybe it’s because we have a small house and smaller yard.

  67. 67.

    Jane2

    @abo gato: You are a JRT-loving saint!

    John Cole, heed this woman. Rescuing Rosie was a wonderful thing to do. Giving Rosie a great forever home where the buffalo roam is another wonderful thing to do.

    People who volunteer (Twice…she’s serious!) to take in a third JRT are one in 300 million. Grab the offer. I will pitch in for expenses, vets stuff, etc and I know other Juicers will too. Make this happen!

  70. 70.

    Ella in New Mexico

    I should probably point out that nearly all of my recent fantasy scenarios involve someone adopting Rosie.

    Not to go all deep on Superbowl Sunday, but in reading John’s posts about Rosie, I really think he is deep in an existential crisis in regards to this dog.

    I know this because I have found myself the caretaker of a few animals who were NEVER my choice for a pet, who acted like retarded idiots or had odd, idiosyncratic needs that required me to REALLY extend myself–physically and emotionally– as part of their care.

    What I have found is–right or wrong–I simply cannot give up on an animal just because it’s an annoying reflection of my personal failure to transform it into friggin’ Lassie (or the various species equivalents).

    Sometimes, I realize, the buck really does stop with me. As long as they are not aggressive, horrendously damaging to my home, or outright miserable here (that’s never an issue), I am given a choice to accept them as they are, and find ways to embrace/mangage their weirdness, or take the “easy” road and dump them elsewhere. I know many people who seem to have no problem with this–they adopt or purchase an animal, take it home, and when it whines too much or pees on their bathroom rug or otherwise interferes with their lifestyle they chuck it. And feel no guilt, no breaking of a bond or promise, no sense of failure. They just move on.

    What I have discovered is that if I had done that–passed off their responsibility to someone else–then I would have lost the opportunity to learn something about myself, about the meaning of complex concepts such as patience, surrender, being present with no expectations. I would have lost the opportunity to enlarge my ability to accept the unacceptable, the unlovable, the imperfect in myself, and therefore others.

    I’m guessing that this stuff is why it has been so hard for John to take the action so many outsiders see as simple. The issues he is struggling with are deeper than what to do with a pain-in-the-ass JRT–they are about what the meaning of his actions will be, what making the decision will infer about what he believes, about something more transcendent than finding a good home for a doofy dog.

    My advice to John is, be patient for awhile longer. Be “present” with this animal. Just release yourself from judgment and allow open observation of who she is, what feelings she stirs up in you, what the whole mess means to your deepest self. You will soon learn what it is you need to do next.

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