What the fuck could be “Christian” about a big band and, more importantly, what’s next? A Christian klezmer band? The Jesus Christ Chamber Orchestra?
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by @heymistermix.com| 77 Comments
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What the fuck could be “Christian” about a big band and, more importantly, what’s next? A Christian klezmer band? The Jesus Christ Chamber Orchestra?
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Kais
Perhaps it’s Charlie Christian related, or someone named Christian who leads a big band. But probably not.
joe from Lowell
When they introduce the drummer, Benny Cone, they make a point of spelling his last name?
dr. bloor
Laugh if you like, but how many orchestras have you seen that can perform Beethoven’s ninth while handling snakes?
Omnes Omnibus
@dr. bloor: Eight.
kdaug
I’ve got God’s own kazoo right here in my pocket.
bemused
Christian karoke!
On second thought, this has probably been done.
scav
I hear the waltz is scandalously fast!
13th Generation
Just another dog whistle.
If it’s “christian”, it must be better than any alternative.
Alex S.
@13th Generation:
My first thought was that it’s probably an all-white band.
Villago Delenda Est
“Christian” I think, in this context, is a marketing term, designed to draw in a certain crowd of not very bright marks. You know, like “Libertarianism” and “National Soshulism” are.
gbear
It don’t mean a thing, cause they ain’t got that swing.
Farah
Were I live (someone called it the bigot belt a few days ago) if something is labeled ‘Christian’ and you respond wtf is ‘Christian’ about oh let’s say an apple picking outing, the whole point is to let the heathens (i.e. ME) know they are not really welcome and if said heathen is stupid enough to show up that they will be asked about their religious affiliation and told they are going to hell but are loved by ‘God’. It’s a filter system to keep degenerates like my family away from their clean holy audience. End Rant.
justawriter
I’m surprised you haven’t heard of their huge hits, Boogie Woogie Preacher Boy, String of Commandments, Who’s Sorry Now That You’re In Hell, and Oh Lady Be Good (Or We Will Stone You).
Nathan
Forget christian, how does a whole orchestra have sex in an airplane bathroom?
Xecky Gilchrist
What the fuck could be “Christian” about a big band
It’s the same music, but you’re not allowed to dance.
uila
Christian big band is Lawrence Welk without all that ungodly heathen dancing.
Jager
Maybe they play big band arrangements of “Rock of Ages or “The Old Rugged Cross” and I bet they do one hell of an arrangement of “Closer My God to Thee”, real toe tappers!
Joel
A lot of stoners in Breckenridge will probably be disappointed…
Sly
Christian Death Metal.
I shit you not.
Maude
It comes under the banner of Christian music. No swear words or dirty phrases. Christian music is big and the CDs sell. I hear it on a local radio station. Unless you listen carefully to the words, it sounds like popular music.
Mojotron
I’m guessing that it’s famous big band tunes with a slight christian twist and some mild proselytizing in between. How you give big band tunes a christian twist I really don’t know. “Coming up next we’re going to do a tune called ‘John 3:16 tithe five thousand’…”
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
You’ve hit upon one of the great questions I’ve had over the years for my musician buddies: Is there any, any type of music that cannot be co-opted into a Christian type of that type of music.
When I cleaned a church I would see posters of Christian rock bands rolling thru on tour. Visuallly, there was no way to tell them apart from their secular counterparts be they indie, emo, the many sub-sub-sub genres of metal. You could invent a game: “Christian or Secular Band” just using publicity shots. I suspect people would on average guess right 50%.
meander
Lots of those songs from the golden era of the big band were just chock full of coded lyrics about sex. They’ve probably cleaned up the lyrics, talking about praying and reading the bible instead of the naughty, naughty things in the original songs.
Reader of the Most Depressing Blog Evah, Formerly Known as Chad N Freude
I would SO buy tickets for this! And all of their recordings, too.
Reader of the Most Depressing Blog Evah, Formerly Known as Chad N Freude
Exactly how is this accomplished?
Three-nineteen
I’m picturing a Cartman-like rewriting of some big band tunes, and maybe adding some Jesus lyrics to instrumentals. Like In the Mood (for Jesus) and Jerusalem Choo-Choo, or Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Jericho.
Maude
@meander:
I think that’s right.
jk
Christian Glam Rock
rf80412
God’s people sure are losing it. In the days of “that old time religion”, all music was banned as frivolous pleasure that interfered with work and prayer, or worse could actually incite fornication amongst those weak in the Holy Spirit.
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
@Sly: Christian metal is HUGE.
Piraty, KJV English is already a metal staple. Apocalyptic themes. Prophetic pronouncements. Scolding. These are all secular metal traditions. Christian metal is as natural as singing like the Cookie Monster, dog.
jk
Christian Glam Rock and Christian Ambient
Jager
@Maude: no swear words or dirty phrases, just creepy love songs about giving yourself to Jesus and taking him inside you you, mild shit like that.
Reader of the Most Depressing Blog Evah, Formerly Known as Chad N Freude
@Jager:
Umm . . . Was this deliberate or inadvertent?
maya
@Maude: I happen to like Jaci Velasquez, who has a marvelous voice. Although she’s a Christian pop singer, if you listen to some of the lyrics to her songs they’re remarkably erotic. I call it; F*ck me Jesus, music.
asiangrrlMN
@bemused: Oh, it has. I remember a commentator on this here blog talking about doing sound at a church and having to deal with Christian karaoke, or some such.
S. cerevisiae
@Jager: OK, that made me laugh. Now I have Cartman stuck in my head singing about being on his knees pleasin’ Jesus…
Three-nineteen
@jk: I’m pretty sure this is close enough.
DFS
Favorite name for a klezmer band I ever heard: Jewbacca.
Second-favorite: Yid Vicious.
trollhattan
Can’t wait to hear Gene Krupa’s solo in “Worship Worship Worship.”
bkny
hey, all you heathens don’t know entertainment until you’ve heard lively big band versions of ‘do lord, remember me’ or ‘what a friend we have in jeebus’ …
gbear
We’ve got a particulary nasty hard rock christianist here in MN. A total asshole who’s found ways to get his ‘message’ presented at school assemblies.
Davis X. Machina
@DFS: There’s an outfit in NJ goes by the name of “The Klez Dispensers”.
bemused
@asiangrrlMN:
Ha. I just knew it. Just when I thought nothing could be worse than the common bar karaoke.
Anyone remember from wayback when The Lawrence Welk Show had Bobby and Sissy or another pair sing the ‘gospel’ song, “One Toke Over The Line”? Just thinking about it still makes me laugh hysterically.
BruceFromOhio
@gbear: That’s all it really is: marketing, old-style. At the end of the day, you get to pat your soul on the head, pleased with how many heathens you annoyed today.
Davis X. Machina
Oy, I forgot The Shtetl Blasters…
kth
snickering at “Mile High Orchestra” being a Christian outfit. I wonder if their fan network is called the “Mile High Club”.
David Brooks (not that one)
I wonder how many “Christians” would show up for the B minor Mass or St Matthew Passion. Or Dream of Gerontius.
k488
The church has been co-opting popular music for centuries; as Martin Luther said, why should the devil have all the good tunes? And earlier than that there were plenty of Mass settings based on L’homme Arme. So, nothing new here. But I agree with Not That David Brooks at 45: so many current self-identifying Christians have no idea of their musical heritage. My wife and I were once asked by a Lutheran pastor if we could suggest to him any good religious music. We both goggled while reminding him that J. S. Bach was a … Lutheran.
jayjaybear
Like someone said, it’s a code word. There are certain Christians who would be quite happy to remove themselves from the secular society entirely (other than to deliver harangues about going to hell), and there’s a dedicated commercial segment vying to serve them. The ideal would be if they could just have a Christian version of every service/shop/store they need and wouldn’t have to actually monetarily support the heathens at all.
robertdsc-PowerBook
Google the band Stryper. Two of the band’s members went to my high school.
ExcuseMeExcuseMe
It’s a tribal thing. You advertise to a particular market and those that choose to use the services are comforted by the fact that they are doing business with like minded people. Or giving their money to god, or accumulating heaven green stamps, or getting some extra doing god’s work points. Or something like that.
In Northeast Florida we have Christian Dry Cleaners, Christian Lawn Services, Christian Pest Control Companies, Christian Builders and Carpenters, Christian Carpet Installers, Christian Barbershops…it goes on and on.
I shit you not.
kth
@David Brooks (not that one): think about it for about a minute, and the answer is obvious: any kind of aestheticism is, like so much else, completely incompatible with fundamentalism. Beauty is nothing but the sugar that the message is sweetened with, and once you start focusing on the sugar rather than the medicine, you’re already halfway to hell.
Comrade Kevin
@Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel): Christian Black Metal is even funnier.
Bill Murray
@ExcuseMeExcuseMe: In SD we have a Christian Vacuum Repair and Used Vacuum Sales Shop
Villago Delenda Est
I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Bart sneaks “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” into the church service, and the Reverend Lovejoy is outraged: “That ‘hymn’ sounds like Rock and/or Roll!”
opie jeanne, formerly known as Jeanne Ringland
@Farah: An assistant in a shop we frequent went on and on to us about the Christian fishing trip she and her husband went on. What made it Christian? No swearing and no beer. Now, I wouldn’t miss the beer, don’t like the taste, but I don’t see how you can fish if you can’t swear.
opie jeanne, formerly known as Jeanne Ringland
@ExcuseMeExcuseMe: When I was still attending church regularly, I stopped hiring anyone with Christian as part of their business name, motto or anything else, unless it was their actual name. Most of the people with fishies on their business cards were using it to get business but didn’t know squat about their job. The best appliance repairman I ever met was Jewish. He came out to re-repair my electronic ignition oven after the fish people had repaired it using the wrong size element. Took him 15 minutes, after which he asked me if anything else needed repair since I’d paid him for the hour. He repaired the loose agitator in my washer, by standing on it. We both laughed but it worked.
Christian Arclite
That’s Christian hilarious!
Christian Arclite
Is the word Christian a spam word?
13th Generation
@ExcuseMeExcuseMe
But see, that works both ways; it let’s me know who NOT to patronize.
Chr1stian Arclite
Editing is totally broken for me. Is anyone else having issues? Clicking on edit a comment turns the screen black without ever displaying the edit overlay window.
Arclite
Test
Cheap Jim
@gbear: Oddly enough, Duke Ellington, in his last decade, wrote and performed what he called “sacred concerts”. I doubt they’ll play any of his stuff, but still…
drkrick
@maya: Or “Jesus Is My Boyfriend” music. I went to a service at one of the local megachurches a few years ago where the music was provided by what could only be called a big band – Basie or Ellington-style instrumentation – playing arrangements of hymns and gospel tunes like “Power in the Blood” and “Rock of Ages.” They were pretty good, definitely the most enjoyable part of the experience.
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
Oh, the answer to my question above is any music that contains irony or ironic detachment. There can be no Christian Pavement, Camper Van Beethoven, Dinosaur Jr, etc.
drkrick
@Villago Delenda Est:
And Homer’s reaction: “Ooh, Marge, I remember that hymn. We used to make out to that hymn. Bart snuck the sheet music onto the organist’s music stand and she gamely stuck with it for the whole 15 minutes.
S. cerevisiae
@drkrick: That was a classic scene. Isn’t that the episode where Bart sells his soul to Milhouse?
gnomedad
Don’t forget this guy: Heavy Metal Monk.
Barry
@uila: “Christian big band is Lawrence Welk without all that ungodly heathen dancing.”
I was going to say ‘without Lawrence Welk’s pulsating jungle rhythms’.
RSR
I didn’t think there had been any breaking Rochester music news since Lou Gramm!
—–
ah, jeez, wikipedia reports: The Lou Gramm Band has recently finished an all-Christian rock album, which was released in the U.S. on June 2, 2009
I give up…
kd bart
They don’t play any of those songs composed by them Jewboys like Gershwin and Berlin.
David Brooks (not that one)
@opie jeanne, formerly known as Jeanne Ringland: The Christian fishing trip is funny on so many levels. First, it sounds as if they were evangelizing door-to-door. Second, Christians are just fine with alcohol (Wedding at Cana): the whole “no-booze–no-swearing” thing makes it sound more like a Muslim fishing trip.
Calming Influence
What was the line in Family Guy when the kid was promoting a christian rock band? The supportive but exasperated father finally says “Son, please stop. You’re not helping Jesus, and you’re hurting Rock and Roll.”
Morbo
It means anyone going there hoping that they’d play some Cherry Poppin’ Daddies covers is likely to be disappointed.
It was King of the Hill. Hank: “Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity better, you’re just making rock and roll worse?”
Calming Influence
@Morbo: Thanks, Morbo. I never saw it, only heard it second hand, but think it’s conceptually the most accurate critique of “Chistian Rock” there is.
Zach
Well there are some famous big band arrangements of fairly risque songs. Perhaps they play Count Basie’s version of Makin Whoopee but have the trombonist sit down at the end of his solo? This Methodist school certainly figured out how to make it terrible: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM_eYL2pfj8
ExcuseMeExcuseMe
@13th Generation:
Exactly. Though on one or two occasions where I didn’t realize it was a Christian business before I hired them (sometimes it’s just the fish and bumper stickers that tell the story), I have casually corrected them when they ask about my wife (since that seems to often be a badge of honor or solidarity). I mention that I do not have a wife, but I do have a male “partner”.
Responses vary, but generally the reaction spreads from legs that wobble a bit up the body to flushed faces.
It also helps to get the job done very quickly. Not well, as opie jeanne mentions, but they can’t wait to get the hell out of my house.