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Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

If you are still in the GOP, you are an extremist.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

T R E 4 5 O N

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… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

They were going to turn on one another at some point. It was inevitable.

Spilling the end game before they can coat it in frankl luntz-approved dogwhistles.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

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Accountability, motherfuckers.

You cannot shame the shameless.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

You can’t love your country only when you win.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

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You are here: Home / I’m Picking Out a Thermos For You (alternate title: Riders on the Storm)

I’m Picking Out a Thermos For You (alternate title: Riders on the Storm)

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Today’s news from the wetsuit crowd:

The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon.

Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver’s seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office report said.

The first woman told deputies she was taking her children to the playground and parked next to the van at about noon. As she was walking around her own vehicle, she noticed the van windows were down and the occupant was “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down…,” the report said. The woman noted that he was masturbating and quickly ushered her children out of her car.

She told a second woman, who walked to the van and also spotted the man masturbating, the report said. The second witness told deputies that the driver saw her and tried to conceal the zipper area of his pants with his hand.

The two women flagged down a park employee who notified the Sheriff’s Office. The employee detained the man, later identified as Storms, until deputies arrived.

Storms told deputies he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom, the report said.

Serious question- what is grosser? Jerking off to kids in the park or storing bottles of urine in your van down by the river?

Reader Interactions

119Comments

  2. 2.

    scott (the other one)

    I don’t even want to type it out, so I’ll just say: the former. Not even a close call.

  3. 3.

    Earl Butz

    Serious question- what is grosser? Jerking off to kids in the park or storing bottles of urine in your van down by the river?

    I get a choice? Awesome.

  4. 4.

    balconesfault

    Let’s see … peeing in a bottle in the privacy of your vehicle, or masturbating while watching little kids on the playground?

    I’m pretty sure that latter is grosser by about 2 orders of magnitude.

    Hell – he could have his pants down and be laying a steamer on his upholstery … and that would still be one order of magnitude less gross.

  6. 6.

    Villago Delenda Est

    The hits just keep on coming, don’t they?

    What is hilarious is that the sheep who follow these assholes don’t even fucking notice these things. They don’t lose crediblity with their flocks, because their flocks have faith.

  7. 7.

    Villago Delenda Est

    The hits just keep on coming, don’t they?

    What is hilarious is that the sheep who follow these assholes don’t even fucking notice these things. They don’t lose crediblity with their flocks, because their flocks have faith.

  8. 8.

    jeff

    Yuck. True story from my troubled childhood:

    Our public textbook council was taken over by a really serious Baptist, and evolution was banished from sciences in our public schools. I was 11 when I met the man; when I was 13 he was arrested for child pornography. I hope to hell that is all he did.

  9. 9.

    S. cerevisiae

    Yeah, the first one no contest. Aqualung started playing in my head as I read that. Seriously sick.

  11. 11.

    Violet

    At this point it seems it would be obvious that people who have trouble controlling themselves are the ones who try to control others, via politics or religion or any other means.

  12. 12.

    redshirt

    But the beauty of the con is just REPENT with some tears and condemnations of SATAN and make a clean start of it. Nice scam, if you’ve got enough marks.

  13. 13.

    cynickal

    We always enjoyed counter protesting these guys.
    I’ll miss them.

    And by “miss them” I mean “drink heavily and enjoy the celebration”

  15. 15.

    Earl Butz

    Jerking off to kids in the park while storing bottles of urine in your van down by the river is the ultimate life goal for the Baptist wetsuit crowd.

    Why do you hate America?

  16. 16.

    cathyx

    I have to say that unless you go right up to the guys van, you wouldn’t see him doing anything, even with the window down. The door does hide what he’s doing at his crotch. The story is a little off.

    That said, is that a real picture of his van? Saying “Free Candy”? If so, then that is an invitation for children to approach.

  17. 17.

    Jay in Oregon

    @Violet:

    I remember reading a quote somewhere to the effect of “If you ever hear someone say ‘I shouldn’t be allowed to do that,’ they need to be locked up for the safety of society at large.”

    I wish I could find it now. I thought it was Heinlein (or one of his characters) but Google isn’t turning anything up.

  18. 18.

    Jay B.

    The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter

    I love New Orleans and I wouldn’t begrudge it a single festival, but how is this a distinct event from, say, every other day in New Orleans?

  20. 20.

    Southern Beale

    I think jerking off to kids in the park is probably worse. But I don’t for a second believe he was peeing in a bottle, either.

    Okay so tonight for dinner I was supposed to make black bean soup and the store had fresh habaneros and like an idiot I thought, “oh that would be great in my soup,” and .. well, let me say my fingers are now lethal weapons and we brought in burritos from Chipotle for dinner.

  23. 23.

    Calouste

    @cathyx:

    You might want to read the story again. The first woman parked right next to the van and then walked around her car (presumably to let her kids out) so she would have been in exactly the position that you think she would have to be to see what was happening.

  25. 25.

    lol

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    It’s proof that the minister was right all along because if even this shining portrait of humanity can be corrupted, odds are the *******s across the street will be even worse. So we have to exterminate them first before they corrupt us.

    This doesn’t disrupt the narrative – it *reinforces* it.

  26. 26.

    Chris Wolf

    “I was just taking the kids to the playground when I see this man treating his body like an amusement park.”

  27. 27.

    Silver

    What kind of country do we live in where a man gets in trouble for this.

    He should be celebrated. Given a medal, even. Many clergy would have picked up a kid from the park, raped him or her, and then told the kid that he or she would burn in hell for eternity if they told anyone.

    I’m glad to see that there are some religious people out there, like Grant Storms, who can resist that temptation with the help of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You people make me sick.

  30. 30.

    gwangung

    Our public textbook council was taken over by a really serious Baptist, and evolution was banished from sciences in our public schools. I was 11 when I met the man; when I was 13 he was arrested for child pornography. I hope to hell that is all he did.

    No, given that he banned evolution from books, he’s guilty of child abuse and stunting children’s minds.

  31. 31.

    Uloborus

    I really don’t give a damn what he gets off on as long as he doesn’t do anything to the children. (Mind you, masturbating where they can see him do it counts.)

    I DO give a damn that he not only thinks he can lecture other people about their desires in a very loud way, he’s a hypocrite about it.

  34. 34.

    freelancer

    America, Eff Yeah!

    NY Times Poll:

    Americans oppose weakening the bargaining rights of public employee unions by a margin of nearly two to one: 60 percent to 33 percent. While a slim majority of Republicans favored taking away some bargaining rights, they were outnumbered by large majorities of Democrats and independents who said they opposed weakening them. Those surveyed said they opposed, 56 percent to 37 percent, cutting the pay or benefits of public employees to reduce deficits, breaking down along similar party lines. A majority of respondents who have no union members living in their households opposed both cuts in pay or benefits and taking away the collective bargaining rights of public employees.
    __
    Governors in both parties have been making the case that public workers are either overpaid or have overly generous health and pension benefits. But 61 percent of those polled — including just over half of Republicans — said they thought the salaries and benefits of most public employees were either “about right” or “too low” for the work they do.

  35. 35.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Uloborus:

    I DO give a damn that he not only thinks he can lecture other people about their desires in a very loud way, he’s a hypocrite about it.

    If the chroniclers of the New Testament are to be trusted and believed, hypocrisy was the one thing that REALLY got Jesus in a very ugly mood.

    Yet it’s the thing his self-proclaimed followers in 21st Century America seem to wallow in, repeatedly.

  38. 38.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Arclite: Was the guy just peeing in a bottle or was he storing jars of urine like Howard Hughes and Montgomery Burns?

    Why am I asking you? I don’t know.

  39. 39.

    suzanne

    Jerking off to kids in the park or storing bottles of urine in your van down by the river?

    Uhhh… DUH. Jerking off to kids is on a whole different plane of gross. When I was 16, I worked at McDonald’s, and I busted a dude jerking off in the playland and threw him out. I couldn’t sanitize my hands enough.

    In better news, I got the job. :)

  41. 41.

    hildebrand

    @Villago Delenda Est: I imagine that Jesus would be more than disappointed with just about everything that the wingnut crowd does (theoretically) in his name.

    As Gandhi said: “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

  45. 45.

    Uloborus

    @Villago Delenda Est:
    I’m afraid that ‘If Christianity was based on the Gospels and not on Romans it would be a lot different’ is an old argument. You know what else Jesus specifically detested? The concept of the literal word of God. Oh, and telling people they were going to Hell because they’re the wrong religion. The Gospels really don’t bear much resemblance to the modern religion.

  46. 46.

    Svensker

    @suzanne:

    In better news, I got the job. :)

    Not the MacDonald’s job where you’re bustin’ wankin’ customers, I hope? Assume not.

    Yay! When do you start? And yay some more.

  47. 47.

    suzanne

    @freelancer:

    No more Playland patrol for Suzie!

    Well, the principal of the office DID mention that he’s currently reading “Decision Points”. So this COULD be just like working with children…

  49. 49.

    PaulW

    the only time you p-ss in a bottle is when you are long-distance driving, not when you are parked near a park where there is a perfectly good tree to urinate on five feet away.

    did the cops find a bottle of urine, by any chance?

  51. 51.

    Betsy

    Uloborus – specifically detested the concept of the literal word of God — will you tell me more about that, please? Thanks

  54. 54.

    The Other Chuck

    Alternate Alternate title: Eying Little Girls With Bad Intent

    Edit: dammit, beaten by #9. Always going off prematurely and getting getting beaten off. Er.

  56. 56.

    jl

    I am trying to think of the last time I, or anyone I know, or ever heard of anyone at all who, decided to pee into a bottle in a motor vehicle rather than look for a rest room.

    And for me, that includes the time I drove over the Rockies in the middle of winter.

    Maybe it was the southern humidity.

    Edit: when I was a kid there was a cat on the block who loved to pee inside motor vehicles, whenever anyone left their window open, but it did not use a bottle, which was a problem.

  57. 57.

    Boudica

    @suzanne: I work in a library in Texas and I had to take order requests today for Mike Huckabee’s new book and “Atlas Shrugged” in ebook format. Gaaah!
    (Congrats on the job!)

  58. 58.

    David Brooks (not that one)

    @Villago Delenda Est: Yup: as I like to point out to Bible-worshippers: Jesus was for a lot of things, and wasn’t against much. But it’s clearly documented that He got really pissed off about:
    1. The admixture of money and worship
    2. Out-loud public praying
    3. Divorce
    all of which are practically sacramentel to today’s Jesus crowd. And for him the worst of all:
    4. Hypocrisy.

    Homosexuality? Crickets.

  61. 61.

    The Dangerman

    Does he get charged with anything beyond indecent exposure? And is that enough (along with being near a playground) to get him on the Predators list?

  63. 63.

    Corner Stone

    @Jay B.:

    I love New Orleans and I wouldn’t begrudge it a single festival, but how is this a distinct event from, say, every other day in New Orleans?

    One of the more funny times in my married life was when myself and wife at the time went to NOLA during SD. We were clueless this was going on and hijinks ensued.

  64. 64.

    Corner Stone

    @Corner Stone: And let me tell you, after a life time of visiting NOLA, the stuff going on during SD in the Quarter?
    It’s more than a little different.

  65. 65.

    Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen

    I wasn’t going to comment again, but I can’t let this stand. Appropriate titles for this post are readily available from the following bands:
    The Kinks.
    Oingo Boingo.
    Faith No More.
    Dr. Demento.

    Black guy always has to do all the work.

  66. 66.

    Dream On

    Well, any road crew that cleans up ditches on the side of our highways can tell you that those full bottles of 7-UP (usually 7-UP, I don’t know why) are all-too-common relics of the darker side of America.

    Perhaps the unions are to blame…

  68. 68.

    suzanne

    @arguingwithsignposts:

    Well, at least suzanne got a job, so there’s something redeeming about this thread.

    Yes, nowI get to start attempting to buy my freedom from indentured student-loan-itude.

    Thanks, y’all. I am excited to not be stuck at home anymore, and to actually be able to pay my bills. How novel.

  71. 71.

    John Cole

    @suzanne:

    Uhhh… DUH. Jerking off to kids is on a whole different plane of gross. When I was 16, I worked at McDonald’s, and I busted a dude jerking off in the playland and threw him out. I couldn’t sanitize my hands enough.

    There’s a secret sauce joke in there somewhere…

  74. 74.

    Seonachan

    There was one season of Trailer Park Boys (the 6th I think) where a retired trucker reverts to his old habit of filling up “piss jugs” and flinging them into the trees when they get full.

  76. 76.

    Arclite

    @Omnes Omnibus: Uh, long haul truckers are often paid for how quickly they can get stuff from one location to another. Not stopping for pee breaks even though you’re pounding liters of coffee so you can drive all night is one way to do that. I’m sure the vast majority don’t collect it…

  78. 78.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @jl: I once drove from Charlottesville Va to Long Island without stopping on one tank of gas, the complete works of Led Zeppelin and a few empty bottles of Gatorade!

  79. 79.

    Omnes Omnibus

    OT: Wisconsin Public Television is showing program about the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. Coincidental?

  82. 82.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @Corner Stone: During Mardi Gras, a couple of friends of mine decided to duck into an alley to relieve themselves and the cops busted them and told them to “pick up their piss.” One guy, ina matter of seconds, figured out that he had to use the shirt off his back to make that happen. The other guy was too slow on the draw and he went to jail…

  83. 83.

    Ecks

    Oh come on, it’s not like parks have public restrooms in them, where else was he supposed to go?

    oooohhh…. YouSayWhat?

  86. 86.

    geg6

    Holy fucking FSM, does it ever stop with these god botherers? And when will people wise up to these charlatans? Do any of the followers ever stop to actually reconcile their institutions and their leaders with what their gods and prophets preached? Ever? Why do people willingly offer themselves to the most transparent con men and women on earth, supposed moral leaders who presume to judge others by standards none of them can even come within a thousand miles of meeting? I’ll never understand people who call themselves believers in any religion, but especially Christians, Muslims, and some branches of Judaism. And don’t get me started on Mormons and other smaller sects. The hypocrisy and venality is too much for me to ignore.

  87. 87.

    Cat Lady

    Huh. I wondered what banner ad would appear at the top considering the possibilities that this thread provided. It’s Front Sight Firearms Training Institute. Works for me.

  88. 88.

    Knocienz

    Mt Shasta at night, on a ridge with 40mph winds outside the tent and an empty bottle of Gatorade makes peeing in a bottle seem very reasonable

  89. 89.

    Corner Stone

    @Gordon, The Big Express Engine: I’ve heard, (and my good friend who has family all over LA has heard), of a few stories where cops have not been too gentle on Mardi Gras’ers.
    But in my personal experience, the only time I have ever seen police step in during MG was when someone got physical with other patrons or police.
    I’ve seen vicious nudity, relieved bladders, open sex/mutual groping, sleeping drunks…you name it and the police passed it by.
    But some dumb drunk frat boy takes a swing at another person and they get a baton to the belly.
    Not saying it’s right but honestly, I’ve seen police do crowd control for maybe 7 Mardi Gras now? Mas o menos?
    And those guys have let a lot of shit go.
    YMMV

  90. 90.

    shortstop

    @The Dangerman: When I rule the world, there will be statutes against Super Deluxe Grossitudinousness. It will carry a minimum fine of $1,000,000 and 100 nights in jail. If the perp has railed in public against a demographic because of race, ethnicity, gender or sexual preference, he or she will spend those 100 nights alone in a cell filled with many of the same.

  94. 94.

    LGRooney

    Had to urinate? I have the voice of Red Green in my head. “You’re doin’ it wrong. You’re doin’ it wrong. You’re doin’ wrong.”

  96. 96.

    Jebediah

    Pervdude is lucky he didn’t catch a beating. I tend to agree with Ulaborus @ 13, in theory anyway. But my two youngest nieces are 8 and 4, and if some dude was gawking at them while jerking off, I don’t think it would end well. I would certainly not be proud of myself, but I don’t know how perfect my self-control would be. I can’t be the only parent/uncle/aunt/older sibling etc. who might react that way.
    In theory, I don’t approve of punching pedo-jerkers in teh park. In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, not so much.

  102. 102.

    currants

    @jl: One exception I know of–and it’s not the one under discussion–is essentially a medical urgency. Men who are being treated for prostate cancer (radiation, say) are likely to have this problem, and an empty jar in the car is a better solution in stopped traffic than a few others I can think of. As I said, that’s not the situation here.

  104. 104.

    Ash Can

    @Jebediah:

    I don’t approve of punching pedo-jerkers in teh park.

    I don’t either. A tire iron or large rock to the skull is much better. And if your area has liberal gun laws, well then. Fists can do only so much damage, you know.

  107. 107.

    Roy G.

    Ah, this reminds me of an old schoolyard joke:

    Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife left him 6 months ago!

    No such excuse for Rev. Pervy, though.

  109. 109.

    Jebediah

    @Ash Can:
    All true. Don’t crowds occasionally tee off on hit-and-run drivers? I’m surprised it didn’t happen to this guy – but he may have lucked upon a park filled with people who actually follow Jeebus’ axample for real, or at least better than his ilk.

  110. 110.

    cbear

    The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon.

    Great, just fucking great, now I can cross public parks off my list of safe places to go without being peeped, accosted, or potentially assaulted by some pyscho-sexually challenged gooper.

    I mean, Jeebus, these toe-tapping, wife-stealing, intern-assaulting, girlfriend-beating, goat-raping, horse-fucking, child-abusing, cross-dressing, scuba-diving, sado-masochistic, bastards are EVERYWHERE.

    AND, as if that ain’t bad enough, they want to steal my money TOO.

    I’m beginning to think I might be safer on the General Population yard at San Quentin.

  111. 111.

    catdevotee

    @Southern Beale: Mr. cat and I use peppers a lot, including habaneros. We use disposable gloves to handle the peppers. If I accidentally touch peppers with bare hands, I wash my hands with lemon or lime juice, then with soap. That treatment seems to take care of the residue, which otherwise will cause all manner of discomfort for at least 8 hours.

  112. 112.

    Herbal Infusion Bagger

    “Mt Shasta at night, on a ridge with 40mph winds outside the tent and an empty bottle of Gatorade makes peeing in a bottle seem very reasonable”

    At those conditions, one might reuse the Gatorade bottle as a hot water bottle in the sleeping bag. No point letting that heat go to waste.

  113. 113.

    opie jeanne, formerly known as Jeanne Ringland

    @catdevotee: A guest at our Christmas Eve party brought a dish that had habaneros in it, and she was in great distress because she had not worn disposable gloves while handling them.

    I squeezed lemons over her hands and even gave her a bowl of milk to dip them in, and it only made it a little less unpleasant but she was still hurting a couple of hours later.

  114. 114.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @John Cole:

    He had just eaten a take-out lunch from Jack in the Box. He was only trying to wipe off the ‘jack-sauce’ that he spilled on his lap.

    Yeah, that’s the ticket!

    Dog bite man, oops, I mean horny minister caught fapping his pud around children.

    Nothing new here, now move along people…

  115. 115.

    DPirate

    What an idiot. He could easily mask the windows in the back of the van and really get it on with a sheep there in the parking lot. Not that I know anything about that… It’s common knowledge… Uh, yeah.

  117. 117.

    Michael D.

    On the upside, I bet he doesn’t show up again to try to ruin Southern Decadence!!

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