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You are here: Home / Headline Fail

Headline Fail

by John Cole|  March 21, 20119:38 pm| 82 Comments

This post is in: Clown Shoes

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Kinda speaks for itself, no?

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Previous Post: « Freedom Bombs- Not Free, After All
Next Post: Obama is a multilaterlist pussy »

Reader Interactions

82Comments

  1. 1.

    Brian S (formerly Incertus)

    March 21, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I’m guessing the headline writer has been holding that one in his back pocket for years.

  2. 2.

    Ron

    March 21, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Thanks, John. that one just made my night.

  3. 3.

    dfs

    March 21, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    That’s some fine police work there, Lou…

  4. 4.

    Spaghetti Lee

    March 21, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Police hope to start a probe by the end of the week.

  5. 5.

    kdaug

    March 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    This is news, how? I mean, crackless buttocks might be sorta impressive/newsworthy, but how is this not dog bites man?

    C’mon, Cole, you’re supposed to be running a reputable news establishment here. Gotta pick up your game.

  6. 6.

    WereBear (itouch)

    March 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    A man with one buttock?

  7. 7.

    S. cerevisiae

    March 21, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    I’m sorry sir, but our viewers need proof!

  8. 8.

    S. cerevisiae

    March 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    And Spaghetti Lee at 4 wins the thread already. Well done.

  9. 9.

    Ian Preston

    March 21, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Old story.

  10. 10.

    Redshift

    March 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Ah, that takes me back to a fine military-fiction novel that my group of friends discovered when several of us were working in a bookstore. Sample quote:

    “Sarge scratched his ass and pulled out a cigarette.”

  11. 11.

    JGabriel

    March 21, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    It’s like they always say; Crack Found In Butt is not news; but Butt Found In Crack is.

    You have to reverse expectations for that extra frisson that makes it newsworthy.

    .

  12. 12.

    kdaug

    March 21, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    @WereBear (itouch): Precisely. The uni-tock may be somewhat interesting, but hardly worth engaging our attention.

  13. 13.

    Quaker in a Basement

    March 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    From the headline, I can’t quite tell. Did the police find it or did the man find it on his own? Did he have to use both hands?

  14. 14.

    Poopyman

    March 21, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    I guess the fact it was crack made it easier on the headline writer. If it had been straight coke he would have had to concoct a G–rated headline for “Police Pull Blow Out Ass”, or some such.

  15. 15.

    Judas Escargot (aka "your liberal-interventionist pal, who's fun to be with")

    March 21, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Great police work there, Lou.

  16. 16.

    rapier

    March 21, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Without said crack they wouldn’t be buttocks would they?

    The force certainly has a crack squad of crack police I’ll grant them that.

  17. 17.

    beltane

    March 21, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Here’s another funny headline about Sarah Palin: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/mar/21/sarah-palin-pulls-out-bethlehem-visit “Sarah Palin pulls out of Bethlehem visit”.

    The quitter even quit on the birthplace of the baby Jeebus.

  18. 18.

    Church Lady

    March 21, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    I think this one is better:
    http://www.startribune.com/nation/118360399.html

    She must have a pretty big cooter to carry that much stuff. The best part is the bizarre amount of spare change in there.

  19. 19.

    Calouste

    March 21, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    So that news site has gone metric but the police department hasn’t?

  20. 20.

    maven

    March 21, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    would have loved to remove contraband from his crack…….

  21. 21.

    gogol's wife

    March 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    I note that 2,109 people have recommended this story.

  22. 22.

    Villago Delenda Est

    March 21, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    OK, was this guy hiding a metric buttload of crack in his buttocks?

    Just askin’.

  23. 23.

    eemom

    March 21, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    juvenile male humor at its finest.

    not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

  24. 24.

    Vibrant Pantload, fka Studly Pantload

    March 21, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    @eemom:

    I expect nothing less from a Full Service Blog™.

  25. 25.

    Mike in NC

    March 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    South Carolina, AKA America’s Punchline

  26. 26.

    General Stuck

    March 21, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    Spartanburg Police: Crack Found In Man’s Buttocks

    This kind of talk on the front page is gonna send little baby jeevus into a conniption fit, down in South Carolinee.

  27. 27.

    JGabriel

    March 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Scranton, PA (via Church Lady):

    After crashing her car Sunday, police said a Scranton woman suspected of burglarizing the Dunmore Inn was found to have a sizeable stash of drugs and money hidden in an unlikely location.
    __
    […]
    __
    After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters, Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.
    __
    A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.

    Damn. There goes my weekend.

    .

  28. 28.

    JGabriel

    March 21, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Only 27 posts over an hour and a half? Where is everyone?

    .

  29. 29.

    Jay C

    March 21, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    @JGabriel:

    Exactly $51.22 ?? One has to wonder at just how said sum was denominated….

    “And which one gave you the 22 cents, Ms. Mackaliunas?”

    “Why, officer: thay ALL did!!”

  30. 30.

    suzanne

    March 21, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    LMMFAO.
    Oddly, my mom sent me this earlier. I’m seeing a pattern here.

  31. 31.

    S. cerevisiae

    March 21, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    @JGabriel: I can’t get over the 22 cents. why????

  32. 32.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    @S. cerevisiae: To paraphrase George Mallory: Because it was there.

  33. 33.

    suzanne

    March 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    @Church Lady:

    She must have a pretty big cooter to carry that much stuff.

    Hot dog down a hallway.

  34. 34.

    Mnemosyne

    March 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    @Brian S (formerly Incertus):

    As a former copy editor, I can guarantee it. I used to live for that kind of story.

  35. 35.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    @JGabriel:

    i think she can thank fsm for not having to face a drug sniffing dog.

    it needs a headline like “police hit motherlode in birth canal”

  36. 36.

    JGabriel

    March 21, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Via @suzanne, a man with no asshole:

    A Chinese man spent 55 years with the opening to his rectum in the wrong place. That’s an unusually long time to live without a normal anus. He had a relatively common birth defect known as imperforate anus, a condition in which one out of every 5,000 infants is born with a misplaced, blocked, or missing rectal opening.

    Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.

    .

  37. 37.

    Admiral_Komack

    March 21, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    “What happended when you performed the search, Officer Gump?”

    “I checked his crack…and found the crack, sir.”

    “Where did you find the crack, Officer Gump?”

    “Sir, in his but-tocks.”

  38. 38.

    Davis X. Machina

    March 21, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    My personal favorite will always be the Boston Globe sports page, when the Bruin’s Vezina-trophy winning goalie — finished second to Gretsky in the MVP one year — was injured.

    “Bruins to play next six games with Peeters out.”

  39. 39.

    Martin

    March 21, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    @Church Lady: I bet you can find a lot of 27 year-olds like that in Scranton.

  40. 40.

    Josh

    March 21, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    @Church Lady, time to revisit this song.

  41. 41.

    Roger Moore

    March 21, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    And now for something completely different.

  42. 42.

    gnomedad

    March 21, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    @JGabriel:

    Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.

    Can we donate them?

  43. 43.

    Uncle Clarence Thomas

    March 21, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    .
    .
    Let us hope they do not find a rancid cookie in eemom’s… crotchal area.
    .
    .

  44. 44.

    sfinny

    March 21, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    I’ve been cranky lately, too. But referring back to the original post, I love my job. No crack, no cracks. Feel much better now.

    Plus I just resolved the issue that has been driving me crazy for two weeks. Had to buy a new car, the whole brake system went on my old car two weeks ago, but I finally made a decision and picked up the new one today. What a relief. Hopefully won’t have to do this for another eleven years.

  45. 45.

    Roger Moore

    March 21, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    @gnomedad:
    Who would you donate them too, though? I’d think that surgical implantation of Newt Gingrich or Haley Barbour into an unsuspecting victim would be a violation of the Eighth Amendment.

  46. 46.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    @sfinny: New car, cool. Wadja get?

  47. 47.

    Church Lady

    March 21, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    @Josh: If it had been 8 miles wide, her supplier could have crawled up there too! She could have also stored a Brinks truck to make change.

  48. 48.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 21, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    @Davis X. Machina:

    who can forget the former south carolina qb chris smelley. all the potential in the world…for memorable headlines and ledes.

    like, and this was real…

    smelley, cocks too much for croom to handle.

  49. 49.

    MattR

    March 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    @JGabriel: 1 in 5000? That is disturbingly common

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Or the WVU DT pair of Dingle and Berry a couple years ago.

  50. 50.

    sfinny

    March 21, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Toyota Prius. Yes I am now a fully registered Prius driving, latte driving, liberal. And loving it.

    Just have to get rid of the old car and all things are golden.

  51. 51.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 21, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    @MattR:Wait, only 1 in 5000 people isn’t an asshole? That might be true on some blogs, but, as general proposition, it seems rather misanthropic.

  52. 52.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 21, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    @MattR:

    or eastern illinois lb lucious pusey

    or mlb of/dh rusty kuntz

    former steeler qb dick shiner.

  53. 53.

    sfinny

    March 21, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    That should be latte drinking, but I’m not allowed to edit my own post.

  54. 54.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 22, 2011 at 12:00 am

    @sfinny: Do you own any hemp clothing?

  55. 55.

    sfinny

    March 22, 2011 at 12:03 am

    @Omnes Omnibus: No, but I do have a tie dye shirt from a Greatful Dead show from 1986 in my closet. Does that count?

  56. 56.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 22, 2011 at 12:04 am

    @sfinny: Pretty much.

  57. 57.

    MattR

    March 22, 2011 at 12:04 am

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: For some reason I always liked the name of Montreal Expos OF Razor Shines.

    Then there’s NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. And yes I still chuckle every time I say Albert Pujols.

  58. 58.

    sfinny

    March 22, 2011 at 12:10 am

    @Omnes Omnibus: The problem was that I never liked smoking pot. Was an oddity on the whole Dead crew during college. But we saw a lot of great shows.

    ETA: Dick Trickle is pretty funny.

  59. 59.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 22, 2011 at 12:11 am

    @MattR:

    pujols is great, dick trickle of course, razor shines sort of opens the category up to the godshamgod’s of the world…

    which is fantastic, because very few names, in and of themselves encorage introspection.

  60. 60.

    cbear

    March 22, 2011 at 12:16 am

    @MattR:

    NASCAR driver Dick Trickle

    That must have been hell if he went to one of those schools where they call roll with your last name first:

    “Trickle, Dick?”

    “Present, ma’am.”

  61. 61.

    MattR

    March 22, 2011 at 12:18 am

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I can’t believe I forgot about God Shammgod. Generally sepaking college basketball is a pretty fertile ground for wacky names. Lots of new candidates every year.

    @cbear: How do you not insist that you be called Richard or Rich or Rick or anything but Dick?

  62. 62.

    Omnes Omnibus

    March 22, 2011 at 12:26 am

    @MattR:The name Dick did not seem to be a problem for people born in the 40s and earlier.

  63. 63.

    Mark S.

    March 22, 2011 at 12:30 am

    Dick Trickle? Geez, he does exist, though.

  64. 64.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2011 at 12:40 am

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I always thought Miroslav Satan had a kickass name.
    And just because it amuses me, I always liked Patrick Roy as well. Mainly because whenever he gloved a save I always imagined him making a Bruce Lee like noise that sounded like “Waaahhhh”. Just to rub it in.

  65. 65.

    Mark S.

    March 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

    I wonder if Dick Butkus ever got made fun of. Probably not for long.

  66. 66.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 22, 2011 at 1:00 am

    @Corner Stone:

    hakan loob.

    i am a little bit mad at satan, he sucked the time he was with the pens.

    or there is ron tugnutt, though i am partial to gnarley zarley zalapski, wacey rabitt, jarkko rutuu…

  67. 67.

    bago

    March 22, 2011 at 1:04 am

    After a fucen pneumatic fuck wrench, a little dick trickle hardly seems out of line.

  68. 68.

    MattR

    March 22, 2011 at 1:08 am

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I think I may have to correct my earlier comment and go with the European influx in hockey giving them the best names.

  69. 69.

    Yevgraf (fka Michael)

    March 22, 2011 at 1:12 am

    OT – Ran into this most awesome comment over at the FReak:

    http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2692547/posts?page=7#7

    To: Walts Ice Pick
    …
    Let seniors OPT OUT of Medicare and into something that doesn’t have the gov’t in the middle of it…I hate the thought of having to be forced onto Medicare just because I reach a certain age…..
    …
    7 posted on Monday, March 21, 2011 11:26:00 PM by goodnesswins (Unlike the West, the Islamic world is serious.)
    [ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

    Yup, let them run headlong into Exceptional America’s best healthcare system in the world while in their 60s…

  70. 70.

    Seebach

    March 22, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Can we not have the left try and impeach Obama, like Kucinich wants to?

    We don’t need the GOP + the left impeaching the best Democrat we can get right now.

  71. 71.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2011 at 1:35 am

    @Seebach: Can you not keep repeating this until there’s enough people saying it to fill a counter at a roadside 24 hour diner?

  72. 72.

    Seebach

    March 22, 2011 at 1:38 am

    @Corner Stone: Cool. Just saw the last thread was pretty much dead. I’m done.

  73. 73.

    Corner Stone

    March 22, 2011 at 1:41 am

    @Seebach: it’s not dead. I’m still eagerly waiting Darnell from LA’s return so he can school us with some more home truths.
    True, we may not want to hear them. But dammit! They’re for our own good!

  74. 74.

    Calouste

    March 22, 2011 at 1:55 am

    @Davis X. Machina:

    Cricket classic commentary:
    “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey”

  75. 75.

    Ash Can

    March 22, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Crack Found In Man’s Buttocks

    Let’s hope so.

  76. 76.

    BigHank53

    March 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Spartanburg’s finest…nothing gets past them.

  77. 77.

    Paul in KY

    March 22, 2011 at 11:18 am

    @WereBear (itouch): I think it’s called a ‘unitock’.

  78. 78.

    Paul in KY

    March 22, 2011 at 11:19 am

    @kdaug: I shoulda known you’d already be all over this. Dammit, I thought I’d just coined ‘unitock’. Grumble grumble…

  79. 79.

    Paul in KY

    March 22, 2011 at 11:23 am

    @sfinny: Did you drop acid? IMO, the Dead were known more for sliving than for toking.

    Edit: Dead fans, anyway.

  80. 80.

    Anonymous At Work

    March 22, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Read it out loud to yourself; it gets better if you include punctuation.

  81. 81.

    noodler

    March 22, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    The mug shot there is so unnecessary.

  82. 82.

    ed drone

    March 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    @Ash Can:

    You do know why the crack between the buttocks is vertical, don’t you?

    It’s so, when you slide down a banister, you don’t go “Bub-m, bub-m, bub-m, bub-m” *

    Ed

    (*The sound of a finger rapidly moving the lips vertically while you hum).

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