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You are here: Home / Politics / Religion / Loose, Footloose, Kick Off Their Sunday Shoes

Loose, Footloose, Kick Off Their Sunday Shoes

by John Cole|  March 23, 201112:17 pm| 62 Comments

This post is in: Religion, Bring on the Brawndo!

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Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers:

>

Apparently, WWJD means What Would Jesus Dance?

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Previous Post: « Exile in Brooksville
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62Comments

  1. 1.

    Redshirt

    March 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Stryper needs to jump on this, stat.

  2. 2.

    Mary Jane

    March 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Um yeah. Baby jebus loves him some fuck-me pumps and full arm tats.

  3. 3.

    cleek

    March 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    i like her fuck-all-y’all-if-you-don’t-like-it attitude.

  4. 4.

    FlipYrWhig

    March 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    @Mary Jane: The red-blooded American Jesus does. You know, the one from the Bible.

  5. 5.

    joeyess

    March 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    If this girl isn’t careful, Scott Stamp will be camping out in her front yard.

  6. 6.

    joeyess

    March 23, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Was this in Missouri by any chance? Because they just outlawed strip joints there and there is a boatload of deluded fools in that state that are just counting down the days until the end of the world. Strippers included.

  7. 7.

    scav

    March 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Please, tell me I’m not the only one picking up on some very disturbing cross-over crucifix imagery. I’m also awaiting the release of porn, drugs and booze with the officially sanction pre-forgiven imprimatur.

    ETA: Less disturbing imagery if it’s Englishmen with those crosses.

  8. 8.

    JGabriel

    March 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    From Dance Dance Revolution to Dance Dance Apocalypse?

    .

  9. 9.

    sukabi

    March 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    when you couple that video with this one you know that “Gettin’ Down with Jesus” doesn’t mean what it once did…

  10. 10.

    Redshirt

    March 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    I recently spent some quality time in rural NC – was amused to see the proliferation and close association between churches and adult bookstores. They alternated one after the other in one case.

    Relatedly, is there a brand called “Pre-Forgiven”? Cuz if not, there should be. That’s Judas type money waiting for that idea right there, yes sir.

  11. 11.

    The Voice

    March 23, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    7.scav – March 23, 2011 | 12:30 pm

    Nailed it!

  12. 12.

    JGabriel

    March 23, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    @Mary Jane:

    Baby jebus loves him some fuck-me pumps…

    I know I do. I honestly can’t think of anything in the gospels that says he don’t. Not a big fan of the platform pumps, though.

    .

  13. 13.

    Jay in Oregon

    March 23, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    @scav:

    I’m also awaiting the release of porn, drugs and booze with the officially sanction pre-forgiven imprimatur.

    We have Bible-approved dom/sub relationships: http://www.christiandd.com/

  14. 14.

    JGabriel

    March 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    @The Voice:

    Nailed it!

    Dammit. I should have come up with that one.

    Nicely done.

    .

  15. 15.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I seem to have lost my nerve lately. I want to see this video but I can’t quite bring myself to watch it.

  16. 16.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @Jay in Oregon: Without even looking, I know that none of the approved Christian subs are male.

  17. 17.

    slag

    March 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @The Voice: Ouch.

  18. 18.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ‘bout shapes and colors.

    I keep hearing this in Sarah Palin’s voice, and now I’ve really lost my nerve.

  19. 19.

    Jay in Oregon

    March 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    @shortstop:

    You are correct, sir!

  20. 20.

    soonergrunt

    March 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Pole Dancing for Jesus.
    It was in the news here in Oklahoma. Pole dancing and Christian music. Two lousy tastes that taste fucking weird together. Only in (parts of) America.
    You just know some Okie came up with that shit.

  21. 21.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    @Jay in Oregon: Let the women keep silence in the dungeons.

  22. 22.

    Svensker

    March 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    White trash just gotta be white trash.

    Wait, is that too liberal coastal elitist?

  23. 23.

    scav

    March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    @shortstop: nah, Make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Oh help — my brain.

  24. 24.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    @Svensker: No, but I’d be just as happy if we could drop the “white” part. The origin of that phrase is rooted in the assumption that only a minority of whites are trash, but that all black people are.

  25. 25.

    Morbo

    March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Heck, Christian Woman was 1993.

  26. 26.

    Tsulagi

    March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    I dunno, even more odd to me than pole dancing for Jesus was two non-blond female Fox reporters. I thought they had some sort of termination clause in their contracts if they didn’t bleach their hair.

  27. 27.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    @scav: Happy to help. Crying out while being spanked does constitute a joyful sound that is Christ-approved for women.

  28. 28.

    Corner Stone

    March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    @joeyess:

    Because they just outlawed strip joints there

    God in Heaven.

  29. 29.

    JGabriel

    March 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    When they’re pole dancin’ for Jesus, I wonder: what’s the music selection?

    Choral hymns? Amazing Grace? Amy Grant?

    I’m pretty sure that Gavin Bryars’ Jesus Blood Never Failed Me Yet is probably a little too avant garde, but what about The Roches version of the Hallelujah Chorus?

    This really feels like it should have been a Sunday morning post.

    .

  30. 30.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    March 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    well that would be one way to keep guys like me out of strip clubs.

    i am sorry “destiny” but could you take your top off while you give me your testimony?

    fave songs

    epistle control
    gold frankincense and myrrhdigger
    i’m n luv(wit a scripture)

  31. 31.

    Svensker

    March 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    @shortstop:

    No, but I’d be just as happy if we could drop the “white” part. The origin of that phrase is rooted in the assumption that only a minority of whites are trash, but that all black people are.

    Srsly? Hmmmm. Never thought of it that way. You may be right in the cultural context. But there is something very distinctive about white trash — Sarah Palin has it. You’re trash, but you’re also aggrieved and feel you should be privileged somehow.

  32. 32.

    YellowJournalism

    March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Jesus would dance the Hustle in a Saturday Night Fever-esque white polyester suit with a bright blue satin shirt peeping out. Think of how beautiful his wavy Jesus hair would look shining with light from the dance floor.

  33. 33.

    shortstop

    March 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    @Svensker: No, I get the uniqueness of the WT concept — and yeah, you know it when you see it. The phrase is just a personal cringemaker. I don’t think most people think about how it came to be, and maybe its origins have no relevance to speak of any more, but it gets me somehow.

  34. 34.

    Corner Stone

    March 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I just watched the video and laughed. FOX KRIV is the Houston affiliate. She mentions Spring which is about 30 or so minutes North of downtown Houston. It’s a little rural, to be kind.

  35. 35.

    Felonious Wench

    March 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    @joeyess:

    Was this in Missouri by any chance?

    No, unfortunately, when I saw the TV station, I knew, once again, it was my people. Spring, Tx. Outside of Houston, on the other side of the city from me.

    Sigh. Yes, it’s Texans again, but you can’t say we’re not creative.

  36. 36.

    freelancer

    March 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    I emailed this to some friends earlier. If this is “Christian” than the word no longer has any meaning beyond “I talk to myself, I reinforce my own opinion and social mores and cultural pressure force me to label the focus of that activity as ‘Jesus’.”

  37. 37.

    Danny

    March 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    @Felonious Wench: I grew up by Spring and this video makes me really glad I moved to Illinois.

  38. 38.

    kth

    March 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    @freelancer: But it still does have a meaning. By affirming that one is a Christian, one affirms allegiance to the right-wing identity movement / political machine that evangelical Christianity has become. No more, no less.

  39. 39.

    kth

    March 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    @Corner Stone: Spring is actually before you get to the Woodlands, going up I-45. It’s definitely full of parochial white people, but geographically it’s all concrete from downtown Houston to Spring.

  40. 40.

    Corner Stone

    March 23, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    @kth: I’m familiar, thanks.

  41. 41.

    bjacques

    March 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Where can I get a good deal in a Christian atmosphere?

    Fellow Houstonians, just keep telling yourself “it’s outside the Loop, it’s outside the Loop.”

  42. 42.

    cmorenc

    March 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    @Sukabi:

    when you couple that video with this one you know that “Gettin’ Down with Jesus” doesn’t mean what it once did…

    This is definitely worth checking out; a partial transcript gives you an accurate taste, but it’s impossible to convey in words without watching video, the sheer Oral-Roberts-style eroticism-for-Jesus awesomeness of the clip….

    (Preacher and 30-ish fully clothed woman appear to be standing in front of an audience or congregation; neither preacher nor anyone else is touching the woman):

    PREACHER: “What’s happening right now?”

    WOMAN (grinning, giggling, shaking): “a…hhaaaand!”

    PREACHER: “Is it burning, or is it just a hand?”

    WOMAN (shivering) “I just…feel it!”

    PREACHER: “Think it’s…Jesus?”

    WOMAN “uhhh…yeeeeahhh! (grinning ear to ear, still shaking while standing on her feet)

    PREACHER: (lays his hand on her forehead Oral-Roberts style): “BOOOM-BAH!”….”FINISH IT, LORD!”

    WOMAN: ooooheeeeeehhhhh! (squealing in ecstasy while shaking harder)

    Un-fucking-believable.

  43. 43.

    trixie larue

    March 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    @shortstop. Don’t think of Sarah Palin saying those words. Instead, imagine Will Ferrell praying at the dinner table in “Talledega Nights.”

    I haven’t watched the video either because I can’t stand anything on Fox. I guess it’s a “brand” phobia that I’ve developed.

  44. 44.

    Comrade Mary

    March 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    “If you are going to try this, leave your jewellery at home.”

    I used to know a theatre grad who gave up working as a bank teller to strip for several years. She did well financially — got a house and a car — because she didn’t get into drugs and weirdness and was in a stable relationship. But she said that investing in a variety of really nice jewellery was crucial, because if you look expensive, men think you’re worth it and tip you more.

    That’s just a little pro tip for the Fox news reporter, in case she ever considers a career change.

  45. 45.

    scav

    March 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    @cmorenc: Tom L’s not around (at least visibly), but here’s a link to Bernini’s Saint Teresa of Avila in Ecstasy to work with.

  46. 46.

    The Voice

    March 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    @JGabriel:
    @slag:

    Elsewhere on the InterTubes, I would have expected to be crucified.

    Tanx!

  47. 47.

    catclub

    March 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @scav: Also the psalms about rejoicing in their beds.

  48. 48.

    sukabi

    March 23, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    @cmorenc: and I believe that is “Unfucking” in it’s purest form.

  49. 49.

    Jado

    March 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Hey.

    HEY!!

    It’s CHRISTIAN because WE SAY IT IS!!!

    Just like it’s sinful when you do it, it’s holy and righteous when WE do it.

    It really is simple…I don’t know why you don’t understand.

  50. 50.

    HyperIon

    March 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    @Svensker:

    Srsly? Hmmmm. Never thought of it that way.

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    so i agree with shortstop.

  51. 51.

    Uriel

    March 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Just to be clear… You guys do know that there’s difference between pole dancing and stripping, right? That they’re entirely seperate things, and a person can do one without ever doing the other?

  52. 52.

    Gozer

    March 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Back in Southern Louisiana this would not seem all that weird and though, personally, the people seem strange (Dirty Texans…I keed), the concept is not all that odd.

    I’ve seen stranger things in New Orleans. My church growing up used to have gambling and beer after every Sunday Mass…what’s a little strippin’ every now and again in the mix?

    EDIT: And when I say “gambling” I don’t mean some bullshit raffle or bingo for the geezers. I’m talking about poker, blackjack, etc. Some real unlicensed casino shit.

  53. 53.

    Uriel

    March 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    @HyperIon:

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    Spent about half my childhood in Mississippi and Florida, and I have to agree- that’s pretty much the unstated implication generally.

    I say generally, because it’s not too uncommon for it to be actually stated out loud, in pretty much the exact word’s HyperIon uses here.

  54. 54.

    Uriel

    March 23, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    @efgoldman: It’s entirely sfw, despite the titillated tittering of some the commenters.

  55. 55.

    Paul in KY

    March 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I actually think Jesus wouldn’t care about pole dancing. However, the denominations these people probably belong to have probably preached long & hard about the evils of pole dancing, etc.

    They are just trying to have their cake & eat it too. I think they’re hypocrites. ‘Christian’ women who desire to wear those fuck-me pumps & have found out a way to do it.

  56. 56.

    Svensker

    March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    @Uriel:

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    As a Northerner, I appreciate the education.

    So what works that’s not racially offensive to describe that particular low-rent white thing? Cracker? That’s not widely understood outside the South.

  57. 57.

    Anonymous

    March 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    From the thumbnail (not willing to sit through the video) the woman they’re interviewing looks like a prime candidate for burqa-wearing; the last time I saw teeth like that I gave the horse an apple and a sugar cube… ;)

  58. 58.

    Felonious Wench

    March 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    @Svensker:

    So what works that’s not racially offensive to describe that particular low-rent white thing?

    Redneck. Bubba. White trash. Trailer trash. Different social strata of the same low-rent white phenomenon.

    I’d use trailer trash myself for this one.

  59. 59.

    Redleg

    March 23, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Yes, but who among us has never been to a NASCAR race?

  60. 60.

    BruceFromOhio

    March 23, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I go to church, I talk to Gaia, and I’m right with Her, therefore I can justify bombing the shit out of your country, stripping you of your civil rights, dancing dirty if I Gaia-damned feel like it.

  61. 61.

    Zuzu's Petals

    March 24, 2011 at 2:55 am

    I guess you’re too young to remember “The Total Woman,” but Marabel Morgan would be allll over this.

  62. 62.

    EIGRP

    March 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    @Redleg: Me!

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