Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

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Democracy cannot function without a free press.

Republicans: “Abortion is murder but you can take a bus to get one.” Easy peasy.

The low info voters probably won’t even notice or remember by their next lap around the goldfish bowl.

We will not go quietly into the night; we will not vanish without a fight.

Cancel the cowardly Times and Post and set up an equivalent monthly donation to ProPublica.

Republicans cannot even be trusted with their own money.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

All hail the time of the bunny!

… gradually, and then suddenly.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

The media handbook says “controversial” is the most negative description that can be used for a Republican.

Washington Post Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

You passed on an opportunity to be offended? What are you even doing here?

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

Republicans in disarray!

He really is that stupid.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Come on, media. you have one job. start doing it.

Trumpflation is an intolerable hardship for every American, and it’s Trump’s fault.

The fundamental promise of conservatism all over the world is a return to an idealized past that never existed.

Well, whatever it is, it’s better than being a Republican.

You are here: Home / Politics / Religion / Loose, Footloose, Kick Off Their Sunday Shoes

Loose, Footloose, Kick Off Their Sunday Shoes

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Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers:

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Apparently, WWJD means What Would Jesus Dance?

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Reader Interactions

62Comments

  6. 6.

    joeyess

    Was this in Missouri by any chance? Because they just outlawed strip joints there and there is a boatload of deluded fools in that state that are just counting down the days until the end of the world. Strippers included.

  7. 7.

    scav

    Please, tell me I’m not the only one picking up on some very disturbing cross-over crucifix imagery. I’m also awaiting the release of porn, drugs and booze with the officially sanction pre-forgiven imprimatur.

    ETA: Less disturbing imagery if it’s Englishmen with those crosses.

  10. 10.

    Redshirt

    I recently spent some quality time in rural NC – was amused to see the proliferation and close association between churches and adult bookstores. They alternated one after the other in one case.

    Relatedly, is there a brand called “Pre-Forgiven”? Cuz if not, there should be. That’s Judas type money waiting for that idea right there, yes sir.

  12. 12.

    JGabriel

    @Mary Jane:

    Baby jebus loves him some fuck-me pumps…

    I know I do. I honestly can’t think of anything in the gospels that says he don’t. Not a big fan of the platform pumps, though.

    .

  15. 15.

    shortstop

    I seem to have lost my nerve lately. I want to see this video but I can’t quite bring myself to watch it.

  18. 18.

    shortstop

    Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ‘bout shapes and colors.

    I keep hearing this in Sarah Palin’s voice, and now I’ve really lost my nerve.

  20. 20.

    soonergrunt

    Pole Dancing for Jesus.
    It was in the news here in Oklahoma. Pole dancing and Christian music. Two lousy tastes that taste fucking weird together. Only in (parts of) America.
    You just know some Okie came up with that shit.

  24. 24.

    shortstop

    @Svensker: No, but I’d be just as happy if we could drop the “white” part. The origin of that phrase is rooted in the assumption that only a minority of whites are trash, but that all black people are.

  26. 26.

    Tsulagi

    I dunno, even more odd to me than pole dancing for Jesus was two non-blond female Fox reporters. I thought they had some sort of termination clause in their contracts if they didn’t bleach their hair.

  27. 27.

    shortstop

    @scav: Happy to help. Crying out while being spanked does constitute a joyful sound that is Christ-approved for women.

  29. 29.

    JGabriel

    When they’re pole dancin’ for Jesus, I wonder: what’s the music selection?

    Choral hymns? Amazing Grace? Amy Grant?

    I’m pretty sure that Gavin Bryars’ Jesus Blood Never Failed Me Yet is probably a little too avant garde, but what about The Roches version of the Hallelujah Chorus?

    This really feels like it should have been a Sunday morning post.

    .

  30. 30.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    well that would be one way to keep guys like me out of strip clubs.

    i am sorry “destiny” but could you take your top off while you give me your testimony?

    fave songs

    epistle control
    gold frankincense and myrrhdigger
    i’m n luv(wit a scripture)

  31. 31.

    Svensker

    @shortstop:

    No, but I’d be just as happy if we could drop the “white” part. The origin of that phrase is rooted in the assumption that only a minority of whites are trash, but that all black people are.

    Srsly? Hmmmm. Never thought of it that way. You may be right in the cultural context. But there is something very distinctive about white trash — Sarah Palin has it. You’re trash, but you’re also aggrieved and feel you should be privileged somehow.

  32. 32.

    YellowJournalism

    Jesus would dance the Hustle in a Saturday Night Fever-esque white polyester suit with a bright blue satin shirt peeping out. Think of how beautiful his wavy Jesus hair would look shining with light from the dance floor.

  33. 33.

    shortstop

    @Svensker: No, I get the uniqueness of the WT concept — and yeah, you know it when you see it. The phrase is just a personal cringemaker. I don’t think most people think about how it came to be, and maybe its origins have no relevance to speak of any more, but it gets me somehow.

  34. 34.

    Corner Stone

    I just watched the video and laughed. FOX KRIV is the Houston affiliate. She mentions Spring which is about 30 or so minutes North of downtown Houston. It’s a little rural, to be kind.

  35. 35.

    Felonious Wench

    @joeyess:

    Was this in Missouri by any chance?

    No, unfortunately, when I saw the TV station, I knew, once again, it was my people. Spring, Tx. Outside of Houston, on the other side of the city from me.

    Sigh. Yes, it’s Texans again, but you can’t say we’re not creative.

  36. 36.

    freelancer

    I emailed this to some friends earlier. If this is “Christian” than the word no longer has any meaning beyond “I talk to myself, I reinforce my own opinion and social mores and cultural pressure force me to label the focus of that activity as ‘Jesus’.”

  38. 38.

    kth

    @freelancer: But it still does have a meaning. By affirming that one is a Christian, one affirms allegiance to the right-wing identity movement / political machine that evangelical Christianity has become. No more, no less.

  39. 39.

    kth

    @Corner Stone: Spring is actually before you get to the Woodlands, going up I-45. It’s definitely full of parochial white people, but geographically it’s all concrete from downtown Houston to Spring.

  41. 41.

    bjacques

    Where can I get a good deal in a Christian atmosphere?

    Fellow Houstonians, just keep telling yourself “it’s outside the Loop, it’s outside the Loop.”

  42. 42.

    cmorenc

    @Sukabi:

    when you couple that video with this one you know that “Gettin’ Down with Jesus” doesn’t mean what it once did…

    This is definitely worth checking out; a partial transcript gives you an accurate taste, but it’s impossible to convey in words without watching video, the sheer Oral-Roberts-style eroticism-for-Jesus awesomeness of the clip….

    (Preacher and 30-ish fully clothed woman appear to be standing in front of an audience or congregation; neither preacher nor anyone else is touching the woman):

    PREACHER: “What’s happening right now?”

    WOMAN (grinning, giggling, shaking): “a…hhaaaand!”

    PREACHER: “Is it burning, or is it just a hand?”

    WOMAN (shivering) “I just…feel it!”

    PREACHER: “Think it’s…Jesus?”

    WOMAN “uhhh…yeeeeahhh! (grinning ear to ear, still shaking while standing on her feet)

    PREACHER: (lays his hand on her forehead Oral-Roberts style): “BOOOM-BAH!”….”FINISH IT, LORD!”

    WOMAN: ooooheeeeeehhhhh! (squealing in ecstasy while shaking harder)

    Un-fucking-believable.

  43. 43.

    trixie larue

    @shortstop. Don’t think of Sarah Palin saying those words. Instead, imagine Will Ferrell praying at the dinner table in “Talledega Nights.”

    I haven’t watched the video either because I can’t stand anything on Fox. I guess it’s a “brand” phobia that I’ve developed.

  44. 44.

    Comrade Mary

    “If you are going to try this, leave your jewellery at home.”

    I used to know a theatre grad who gave up working as a bank teller to strip for several years. She did well financially — got a house and a car — because she didn’t get into drugs and weirdness and was in a stable relationship. But she said that investing in a variety of really nice jewellery was crucial, because if you look expensive, men think you’re worth it and tip you more.

    That’s just a little pro tip for the Fox news reporter, in case she ever considers a career change.

  49. 49.

    Jado

    Hey.

    HEY!!

    It’s CHRISTIAN because WE SAY IT IS!!!

    Just like it’s sinful when you do it, it’s holy and righteous when WE do it.

    It really is simple…I don’t know why you don’t understand.

  50. 50.

    HyperIon

    @Svensker:

    Srsly? Hmmmm. Never thought of it that way.

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    so i agree with shortstop.

  51. 51.

    Uriel

    Just to be clear… You guys do know that there’s difference between pole dancing and stripping, right? That they’re entirely seperate things, and a person can do one without ever doing the other?

  52. 52.

    Gozer

    Back in Southern Louisiana this would not seem all that weird and though, personally, the people seem strange (Dirty Texans…I keed), the concept is not all that odd.

    I’ve seen stranger things in New Orleans. My church growing up used to have gambling and beer after every Sunday Mass…what’s a little strippin’ every now and again in the mix?

    EDIT: And when I say “gambling” I don’t mean some bullshit raffle or bingo for the geezers. I’m talking about poker, blackjack, etc. Some real unlicensed casino shit.

  53. 53.

    Uriel

    @HyperIon:

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    Spent about half my childhood in Mississippi and Florida, and I have to agree- that’s pretty much the unstated implication generally.

    I say generally, because it’s not too uncommon for it to be actually stated out loud, in pretty much the exact word’s HyperIon uses here.

  55. 55.

    Paul in KY

    I actually think Jesus wouldn’t care about pole dancing. However, the denominations these people probably belong to have probably preached long & hard about the evils of pole dancing, etc.

    They are just trying to have their cake & eat it too. I think they’re hypocrites. ‘Christian’ women who desire to wear those fuck-me pumps & have found out a way to do it.

  56. 56.

    Svensker

    @Uriel:

    As a born and bred (white) Southerner, I have always heard the phrase “white trash” in the mouths of white people as: “it’s bad when white people act like black people”.

    As a Northerner, I appreciate the education.

    So what works that’s not racially offensive to describe that particular low-rent white thing? Cracker? That’s not widely understood outside the South.

  57. 57.

    Anonymous

    From the thumbnail (not willing to sit through the video) the woman they’re interviewing looks like a prime candidate for burqa-wearing; the last time I saw teeth like that I gave the horse an apple and a sugar cube… ;)

  58. 58.

    Felonious Wench

    @Svensker:

    So what works that’s not racially offensive to describe that particular low-rent white thing?

    Redneck. Bubba. White trash. Trailer trash. Different social strata of the same low-rent white phenomenon.

    I’d use trailer trash myself for this one.

  60. 60.

    BruceFromOhio

    I go to church, I talk to Gaia, and I’m right with Her, therefore I can justify bombing the shit out of your country, stripping you of your civil rights, dancing dirty if I Gaia-damned feel like it.

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