I like to imagine Jesus as a hard core online gamer:
David Barton believes that everything should operate under Biblical principles, and according to Barton, the Bible even has a view on rules for Internet service providers like Net Neutrality. Here’s a hint: the Bible opposes it. As noted in People For the American Way’s new report, “Barton’s Bunk: Religious Right ‘Historian’ Hits the Big Time in Tea Party America,” Barton finds that the Bible always has a pro-corporate, pro-GOP message.
Barton and his partner Rick Green hosted Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), a vocal foe of Net Neutrality who has received significant contributions from Net Neutrality opponents like Comcast, Verizon and the National Cable & Telecommunications Association. Net Neutrality ensures that Internet service providers can’t charge higher rates for faster delivery of content. The New York Times explains that Net Neutrality allows “Internet users get access to any Web site on an equal basis” and without the policy, service providers can “give preferential treatment to content providers who pay for faster transmission, or to their own content, in effect creating a two-tier Web.”
But Barton says that the Bible, Ben Franklin and the Pilgrims all opposed Net Neutrality because it violates the rights of huge corporations to charge higher rates and discriminate on content, calling it a “wicked” policyand “socialism on the Internet.” Apparently, the National Religious Broadcasters and the Christian Coalition, two prominent supporters of Net Neutrality, have missed the memo. But, Barton insists, “’Fair’ is a word that no Christian should ever use in their vocabulary.”
Does the good book have an opinion on PC vs. Mac?
BrklynLibrul
Um, what about all of Jesus’s explicitly anti-rich commentary? Sounds like this dude doesn’t know his Bible.
The Dangerman
Pearly Gates vs. Evil Apple?
Edit:
Has Barton come out against usury? No? What’s he waiting for?
Southern Beale
The thing about the Bible is, you can ALWAYS use it to justify ANYTHING. I mean for chrissakes, people used it to justify slavery. So just cut the crap and quit using the dang Bible to claim your position is the right one, already. The Bible is not the law of this land, the Constitution is.
Jay in Oregon
Here ya go, then: http://store.penny-arcade.com/products/pat070171
(Inspired by http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/1/16/ )
piratedan
@BrklynLibrul: well I’m sure he knows “his” bible. The one that’s in motel rooms all across our country…. not so much.
kdaug
I hope the old boy stays in office a good, long time.
With lots of press.
licensed to kill time
Uh, this title made me think my laptop had just given up trying to parse language. Kinda skeery.
jayjaybear
I swear, I can’t even come within the event horizon of recognizing whatever it actually is that these people believe as Christianity. Empathy is a dirty word, worship the rich, lie, cheat and steal, don’t help the poor, the disabled or, GOD FORBID, the imprisoned.
Hell, I’m an atheist and I’M a better Christian than about 90% of the right-wing “Christians”!
lacp
Barton is a vile creature. While I have no truck with Christianity, he outright makes up lies about it. A truly worthless human being.
Face
So whats the title say in binary code?
cleek
good news. BJ is now the top Google hit for “0110100101110100011100110000110100001010 0110100101101110 011101000110100001100101 0110001001101001011000100110110001100101 01101110011001010111011101100010”
harokin
Hey, John, who are you calling a “newb”?
And why didn’t you do the whole post in binary?
jrg
@Face:
its in the bible newb
serge
It’s sad, not to mention wearisome, that so many rubes will buy into that sort of utter nonsense.
Amir_Khalid
Is that binary string actually meaningful, or is it just a more-or-less random sequence of 1s and 0s?
cleek
@Face:
this will help…
Comrade Mary
Who you calling newb, you newb?
harokin
Yeesh, denouncing Stalin takes “0100100100100000011001000110010101101110011011110111010101101110011000110110010100100000010100110111010001100001011011000110100101101110”
Linnaeus
@Southern Beale:
Or, as some guy named William Shakespeare put it:
Antonio: Mark you this, Bassanio,
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart:
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!
[The Merchant of Venice, act I, scene III]
But he was probably a soshulist, anyway.
Hermione Granger-Weasley
@The Dangerman:
aroint thee daemon!
In a world without walls or borders, who needs windows and gates?
New Yorker
@Southern Beale:
Yeah. I feel like it’s pretty easy to find Biblical passages that suggest Jesus was a left-wing anarchist homosexual. That should make Barton’s head explode.
Comrade Mary
I am surrounded by goddamn geeks! Good thing I have a thing for geeks, wiseasses.
singfoom
Remember, every time you challenge “Free Market” behavior, Jesus rapes and kills a free market pony.
Empathy? Fuck that, Free Market Jesus will kick you if you’re in his way, unless you have a permit to be there or enough cash to pay him off.
Free Market Jesus knows the weak when he sees them. You know, those who will inherit the earth? You can tell they’re weak by their extremely high net worth.
DFHs!
cleek
Lev 19:15 (and others):
Comrade Mary
01001001001000000110110001101001011010110110010100100000011100000110100101100101
Hermione Granger-Weasley
@jayjaybear: its just modern form christianity.
The GOP has become synonymous with political christianity. They have ensoulment as part of their party platform.
Hermione Granger-Weasley
@singfoom: heh
Free Market Jesus.
i luffs it.
Comrade Mary
The Recent Comments area is now a thing of beauty.
FormerSwingVoter
Have any of these people been to church?
Martin
If you’ve carefully read your Bible, it’s quite clear that Jesus said he would rise again when the capital gains rate is dropped to zero and provided that NPR is no longer on the air to interfere with his message that everyone should conceal carry, lest they be smited by Mexican drug lords.
Villago Delenda Est
@cleek:
These assholes are just screaming to be nailed to crosses and left to die.
They really are.
Bob L
You know who else said “0110100101110100011100110000110100001010 0110100101101110 011101000110100001100101 0110001001101001011000100110110001100101 01101110011001010111011101100010”?
Just saying.
STUCKZILLA!
WHAS THE FUK UP WIT ALL THESE DIGITS? i CAN ALREDY AD AM SUBTRAK AND DONT NEED NO LESONS FROM BABOON jUICE.
HEADAKE.
stuckinred
@Martin: I don’t have a fucking bible.
Darkrose
Remember kids: Jesus saves. Everyone else takes full damage.
Nylund
He screams about how “fair” shouldn’t be a Christian word, but I’m guessing he’ll be the first to complain about how “unfair” it is that Tea Party sites are being drastically slowed down just so I can reduce the buffering time when watching an Inconvenient Truth on Netflix.
I’m also confident that he’ll also pull a complete 180 and suddenly claim this result is “pure socialism.”
singfoom
@Martin: You Shall Know Us by The Trail of the Totebags?
The only non-snarky thing I can say about my understanding of Christianity (I’m an atheist) and the practice I see of it in this country is “Jesus Wept.”
It’s amazing how you can take the teachings that can be summed up in “All is Love or Love thy Neighbor” and twist that into “Hate everything not just like me.”
John PM
How do you get to say something like this and not get struck by lightening? If the devil actually exists, then this man is one of his agents.
Martin
@cleek: Oh, sure in the liberal Bible. In the properly translated Bible:
Scott
Yet another of those things that makes me with there was a god. ‘Cause it’d be hilarious to watch this guy explain to St. Peter why he lied about the Bible for corporate goons…
freelancer
“Americans should be forced at gunpoint to listen to David Barton…”
Thanks, Huck. What’s the Biblical position on gastric bandings, bee tee dubya?
kindness
Jesus would love the Mac, but he would prefer it was cheaper…just like the rest of us.
Darkrose
Shorter David Barton: Im in ur religin, misinterpritin ur skripturs.
singfoom
@Darkrose: I have that T-Shirt. The actual text on mine is “Jesus Saves, the rest of you take damage.”
I’ve had at least 3 hard core christians start chatting me up without getting the joke. Good times.
licensed to kill time
@Martin: snort. funny!
rea
Matthew 7:21-23:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!
Martin
@stuckinred: You should get one. The Book of Reverse Cowgirl is awesome.
Sentient Puddle
@Martin: Speaking of which, anyone know how the Conservapedia translation is coming?
Sloegin
Jesus is in the intertubes, slowin’ down my porn downloads.
lol
Jesus brings the blue sparks.
trollhattan
Westboro Baptist Church sees things a little differently, and wants you to remember:
“221222111121112221111211222211112122211122111222”
Or burn in aitch-eee-double-toothpicks.
Cain
What does the Bible say about “Vi vs Emacs”? I need to know!
also:
“GNOME vs KDE”
“micro kernels vs macro kernels”
Also, will I find the answer for NP Complete problems in the Bible?
singfoom
Thou shalt not covet thy provider’s bandwidth. A man who lays down pipe and provides bandwidth to another man without charging extra for content delivery shall be put to death by the method of throwing old powermacs at his head.
The Holy Comcast will smite all ye!
JonF
Are there any far right politico who aren’t whores?
Martin
@Sentient Puddle: Apparently they finished the New Testament last year. As someone who’s actually translated small parts of the New Testament, I guarantee they copied the smart kids work. There was no translation, just a search and replace for words like ‘labor’, ‘joy’, ‘love’. You know, the evil shit.
Cheryl from Maryland
Comcast et al. will probably charge more for telecasts of the Sky Angel Faith channel or whatever he watches because Comcast won’t get as much money from advertisers.
singfoom
@Cain: No, our lord hast shown the true believers his word, and his word is that No Problem is NP Complete. The problem is that you have not shown significant faith.
You’ve seen the NP Complete Reduction Proof that shows that God can actually create a boulder that he himself cannot move in Polynomial time, right?
Scott
@Sentient Puddle: I’ve been considering writing one of those, but I’m not sure I have the time to devote to it.
“In the Beginning, on October 23, 4004 BC, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Anyone who sayeth otherwise is damned, and you can stop listening to him, unless it is to listen to his death screams while you kill him, which the LORD is okay with.”
jl
These Xtianists don’t care about the earthly teachings of Jesus, that is old hat. They care about this guy, and swords, and the Wrath of the Almighty.
19:11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
19:12 His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
19:13 And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
19:14 And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
19:15 And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
19:16 And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.
From Revelations, King James Version, downloaded from project Gutenberg.
Their appeal to Franklin and Jefferson is a real hoot. For every free market quote from them, you could get another that makes them look like commies.
Edit: and by modern Xtianist standards, Franklin, Washington and Jefferson were lost infidels and atheists. Why would an Xtianist care what they said anyway?
Bubblegum Tate
@BrklynLibrul:
He knows the Bible as well as he knows history, which is to say exceptionally poorly. Which is exactly what makes him a great historian in teabagger circles.
FormerSwingVoter
@JonF:
No. SATSQ.
jrg
@Cain:
Nope, nothing on NP-completeness. I’m pretty sure you could get an opinion on Alan Turing, though.
Which, seeing as how Turing cracked the Enigma machine, makes the Buybull objectively pro-Nazi.
Bob Loblaw
Well, that’s just about the most sinister thing I’ve ever heard.
You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried.
opie jeanne
@Martin: They really are doing their own “translation” of the Bible? I thought it was a joke when someone mentioned it to me a while back.
Mind = boggled.
opie jeanne
@Bob Loblaw: It’s really depressing.
mike
Barton’s group:
Wallbuilders
Board of Directors: Rose Barton, Jeff Fisher, Richard Watson, Stephen McDowell
PO Box 397
Aledo, TX 76008
[email protected]
cleek
RELIJIN OF HATE!™
Sentient Puddle
@jrg: Worse, Turing was gay!
Ruckus
@jayjaybear:
90%? I’d say 99% Most atheists would make far better christians because they have actually read the book and have a rational thought process. They get what the book is trying to say and don’t have to take it literally or need it interpreted. Most that I have known became atheists because they read the book.
MikeJ
@cleek:
What’s funny is that they’ll say that stuff in the old testament (bible 1.0) doesn’t count any more, cause Jesus said so. However, when Jesus said don’t worry about the old laws, he said all you really need to worry about is “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Which pretty much defines fairness.
Should you slow traffic to one site and not to another? Would you like it if they slowed your traffic? No? Then don’t do it.
Villago Delenda Est
@Darkrose:
Jesus left his handy dandy buff trinket in his other set of gear before heading into the instance?
RalfW
Funny, I thought the Bible had a lot to say about rich people (the closest thing to a corporation lo those 2,000 years ago), and very little of it was favorable.
And that Jesus fella, he was pretty busy throwing the money changers out of the Temple and all that.
KG
@Darkrose: heh, I was always partial to “Jesus saves, Gretzky rebounds and scores.” So, to tie this into gaming, sort of, let me just say, I’m going to make Gretzky bleed for Superfan99 over here.
Darkrose
@Villago Delenda Est:
Nah, he just gets an automatic +infinity to his saving throws.
Arundel
PC vs Mac: I don’t know about the Good Book, but there are religious loons out there who think Apple’s logo is a symbol of evil. It’s the apple Satan got Eve to eat- that’s her bite mark! Forbidden knowledge,etc. A lot of them also think the leaf in the Apple logo is the Illuminati “single eye”, like the eye in the pyramid on a dollar bill. So many conspiracy theories! Reading about them makes your head spin sometimes. There’s a site that exhaustively covers these things, and it’s fascinating, down-the-rabbit-hole to read. But they really believe it.
Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937
Jesus was an open source evangelist.
Joe
ABSOLOM, ABSOLOM, ABSOLOM!
TG Chicago
So I guess anybody who votes for this gets excommunicated, right?
jayjaybear
@Villago Delenda Est: Jesus keeps trying to heal raids in Shadow spec. Failgod!
bemused
Wingnuts interpret the Bible and Ayn Rand’s writings exactly the same way, to justify their own selfishness and greed. Sociopaths.
TG Chicago
More “fair” fun:
From Joe Barton’s website:
From the Declaration of American Values on David Barton’s website:
So anti-Christian!
joel hanes
Not only knows nothing about Christ’s teachings, but knows nothing about net neutrality.
ISP tiered pricing for bandwidth has nothing to do with net neutrality.
Deuce MacInaugh
Jesus was a Linux guy, because had a beard. You know who else has a beard? Richard Stallman, that’s who. QED.
mac007
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.
MobiusKlein
@Villago Delenda Est: Right-wing Jesus saves his buffs for himself, not party members.
They can buy their own spells – newbs!
Felanius Kootea (formerly Salt and freshly ground black people)
@Cain: Of course not, to do so would be NP-hard.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
who cares what jesus has to say, pics or it didn’t happen..
seriously, though i would love to see him explain the golden rule in the context of rule 34, and godwin’s and poe’s laws while settling once and for all why all the fuckin cats?
matoken_chan
SellSteal allyouthey have and give it to thepoorWall Street vampire squid.gwangung
The Christian Right has pretty become the new Pharisees. A pity that they reject the self awareness to see that.
Svensker
@matoken_chan:
Wait, is this a new you?
Whateber, that made me larf.
Marmot
Dang! I hate to follow all that quality snark!
But I thought I’d add a little detail about the other guy, Rick Green. I’ve kept my eye on him for about 10 years because he’s always looked like one of those creepy Ralph Reed sociopaths–too squeaky clean looking, and just plain suspicious.
Back in 2000, he was the youngest member of the Texas legislature, representing a town called Dripping Springs. Texas Monthly named him as the least liked lawmaker, and he did commercials from his office in the Capitol building for an ephedrine supplement called Ephedra, saying something like “it’s safe — I’d give it to seniors, I’d give it to my kids.”
Before and maybe during after his job in the legislature, Green ran a multi-level marketing firm, and started working as a motivational speaker after getting voted out of office.
Sir Nose'D
@Comrade Mary:
Who doesn’t?
jrg
@Sentient Puddle: Yeah, that was my point.
Bill Murray
@Marmot:
Steve Bechler’s family has something to say about this.
YellowDog
Get a Mac. It will cost more initially, but will save money in the long run. 1) You won’t have to buy McAfee or similar software (which is an ongoing cost, due to subscription prices). 2) It won’t be obsolete when a new operating system is released. 3) It works–you won’t spend long hours on the phone with a help desk, and you won’t be tempted to spend money on a service contract. I was a hardcore PC user until I was forced to use a Mac at work. I have never looked back.
Josh
jl, David Barton is the guy who invents quotes from the Founders proving they were fundamentalist Christians. That’s his whole profession.
gelfling545
@Southern Beale:
“The thing about the Bible is, you can ALWAYS use it to justify ANYTHING.”
For example, in the Book of Proverbs we read “…there is no God.” Of course it’s the second half of a verse but pretty much any text can be used to prove anything if only the user is sufficiently dishonest. Still, I’d like to know what passages he (to use the term loosely) bases his idea on.
Asshole
I wish some Liberation Theology-believing priests could have 5 minutes of televised debate with this fucking moron.
I’d pay good money to see that.
Marmot
@Bill Murray: I’d never heard of Bechler. Poor bastard. Looks like he died just after ephedrine supplements were getting more scrutiny. But at least Green made money selling dangerous crap!
gelfling545
I think the Bible is arguably pro PC. It’s pretty heavy on “Thou shalt not” & I get a lot of those messages, if not in so many words, on the PC. On the Mac not so much.
matoken_chan
@Svensker:
For some were cudlips and did speak against the Prophet. And others were double cudlips and did speak against Profit.
matoken_chan
@gelfling545:
The clincher is that the serpent was clearly an Apple distributor. Add to that the angel with the flaming sword, and you can tell that God was on the side of the monopolists and browser bundlers….
sneezy
@KG:
“I was always partial to ‘Jesus saves, Gretzky rebounds and scores.’”
I didn’t know people said that about the Great One. I heard it first about Phil Esposito in the early 1970s.
Pat
The Bible also says to feed the hungry and take care of the sick. We don’t, as a country, want to be bothered with that anymore either. Christian nation, hell no! Greedy nation, hell yes!
So America, believe your preacher while I will continue to believe my lying eyes!