Hello, my dears.
Great excitement and surprise at Shady Pines today, as I have finally received my invitation to the royal wedding next Friday.
In order to be entirely accurate, I should say that everyone else is excited and surprised. Marge is running around burbling about how beautiful Diana is, and the other girls have already started engaging in blatant bribery with spirits and pharmaceuticals in order that they might be chosen as my “plus one”.
I’m not surprised, given that I phoned Betty Saxe-Coburg-Gotha at Buckingham Palace last week and mentioned that I was a little put out that Elton Fucking John and that cadaverous bint Vicky Beckham received their invitations before I did. A few passing references to the special services I provided to Stupid George during the war and certain information about Paris road underpasses that Betty really doesn’t want leaking out, and before you could say “overprivileged inbred hereditary bloodsuckers” a nice little man in full livery was standing on the front doorstep of Shady Pines, panting and clutching an envelope.
Excited is probably also an overstatement. It will be nice to have an excuse to visit Harvey Nicks and Harrods, and Westminster always looks so lovely when it’s done up for a wedding, but it’s really just another chance for Phil the Greek to try to get into my pants. I’ve been dealing with him since 1952 and frankly it does get a little wearing fending off the racist old git’s wandering fingers.
Even worse, I then find out that Big Red Sarah isn’t even invited, and she’s the only member of the family I can actually stand for more than five minutes at a time. Perhaps I’ll call her and tell her that she can come with me. That will put a badger up Betty’s monogrammed knickers.
It all puts me in mind of the week before Diana and Charles got married. We were at Windsor, and I was sitting having breakfast with Betty. Charles was off communing with his cabbages, and the two of us were watching Diana up the other end of the table trying to eat her bacon with a spoon while taking the occasional sip out of the salt cellar. Betty said something about calling the wedding off because she didn’t want a vacuous moron marrying into the family. I seem to recall I asked her why she would want to break with a centuries old tradition, which made Betty cross for some reason.
Anyway, young Ms Middleton seems like a nice enough thing, even if she does look a bit like a constipated horse at an all-you-can-eat apple buffet.
A fairytale wedding of the balding and increasingly plain heir to the throne to a commoner with an eating disorder and a mad father, coupled with the frenetic attention of the British tabloids and the pathetic hopes of the British public for a happy ending.
How on earth could anything go wrong?
[Cross-posted as usual at Sarah, Proud and Tall.]
Linda Featheringill
Elizabeth? Windsor?
MonkeyBoy
Betty should know that Heinz baked beans on toast will fix her right up.
“What’s for tea, Mum?”
lamh34
Good Lord,
if I never heard anymore about this damn wedding, I would be ecstatic!!!
I don’t care how much CNN or The Today Show, or GMA want it to be, but this wedding is NOTHING like Charles and Diana.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Linda Featheringill:
It’s an entire family of Huns named after soup. I think that says quite a bit.
wonkie
I thought it went “We’re off to FEED the lizard.”
Susan of Texas
We knew Diana was in trouble when we saw her preschool students outhink her.
Charles was off communing with his cabbages
Is that what they were calling Camilla?
Lolis
I hope when I am 92 there are still loads of men trying to shag me.
Comrade Mary
Oh God, Sarah, can you please be the single media voice on the fucking wedding? Please? CBC News Network has gone full-tilt wedding mad for the past few weeks, with the bulk of the evening programming taken up with all things royal. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE LATEST POSITIONING OF THE BRITISH ROYAL BREEDING STOCK. ENOUGH.
Which is probably why I’ve turned the tv to SRC in protest and am wishing I could vote for the BQ from Toronto.
Edit: Oh, FUCKING hell. Et tu, SRC?
MonkeyBoy
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
Sarah, is James Wolcott your secret love child? And if so, how did he become so restrained?
David Brooks (not that one)
Perhaps you would be so good, on your way back through Seattle, as to drop off a few pieces of the monogrammed silverware that will no doubt leap unbidden into your handbag.
Comrade Mary
Well, if there must be a wedding, here’s my request for the soundtrack. And apropos of not very much, throw this in while you’re at it.
Anne Laurie
Bless you, Madame Sarah, for being a delicious dark-chocolate stream in a world of HFCS birdbaths.
And watch out for young ‘Lilibet’, there’s few who can say they crossed that trout and lived to tell…
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
Oh thank you so. It’s been a dreary day here in the forced kingdom of John I of Ohio, where the weather is currently monsoons, with a side of violent thunderstorms (spiced up with the random tornado). I needed such elegantly detailed commentary to cheer me, and I’m grateful.
Ecks
Gold Jerry, GOLD.
Keith G
Sarah, if you still have your OSS issued black bag, could you please pay a quick vist to Nick Clegg?
gnomedad
@wonkie:
We actually feed a friend’s lizard from time to time and now we can sing on the way.
Don
Dunno. I find I give every bit as much of a flying fuck about this one as I did that one.
maye
I only just now realized it’s on a Friday. Does everyone in central London get the day off?
JGabriel
Sarah @ Top:
Let’s face it, they need some new blood in the royal family. Or, more specifically, new genes.
Oh.
Are they sure she’s not a royal?
.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
if it weren’t for the irish being passably alabaster, just imagine how horse faced ugly the english would really be. you have to admire them though, they really give their all in sports no one cares about, there is something to respect in that, i think.
Calouste
@maye:
Everyone in the UK gets the day off.
thalarctos
@maye: It’s an additional bank holiday the week after the 4-day Easter weekend.
So a 4-day week (M-Th), then the 4-day Easter weekend (F-M), 3 workdays (T-Th), a bank holiday for the wedding/3-day weekend, the May Day holiday on Monday, and a second 4-day week (T-F). AKA 11 days off for the price of 3.
Screw the haters; I say cheers, William and Kate!
Villago Delenda Est
More absolute brilliance from SPaT. I saw that and I was ROFL. Startled the cat, it did.
suzanne
I got all excited last week because I thought the royal wedding was THIS weekend, and I was so thrilled to be done hearing about Wills and Kate condoms every time I go to read actual, you know, NEWS.
Alas and alack. Another week of inanity. At least it’s less nauseating than attempting to outlaw foster children from wearing new clothes.
scav
well, looks like the tuubz will have some more Guantánamo excitement to play with for those not obsessing about royals. Go check the main pages of the Guardian and the NYT and don’t miss the dangerous clue of Casio watches.
ribletsonthepan
Whaaa happened to the dude? Thats some transformation in so few short years. Damn, guess I just haven’t been paying attention. I thought that whole “she lost her bloom” disorder only happened to ladies in Jane Austen novels.
David Brooks (not that one)
@thalarctos: David Cameroon’s been too busy to abolish Mayday, then?
Violet
@ribletsonthepan:
Younger brother Harry is still kind of cute. Wills is looking more like Charles every day.
Comrade Mary
@Violet: Yeah, William just went all blancmangey some time recently. I mean, we all age, but it’s really rare for someone in their twenties to fade into stodginess so quickly.
Maybe he just needs a buzzcut. Once your hair starts thinning seriously, keeping it longer than fuzz just doesn’t work.
asiangrrlMN
@ribletsonthepan: Wow. I just Googled his image, and yeeeeeeeeeesh. His haircut doesn’t help.
Ms. Sarah, it would be utterly thrilling if you would live-blog or live-twit the wedding. I don’t give a shit about the wedding, but at least it would give me something amusing to read while the rest of the world goes gaga over this inanity.
Yutsano
@Violet: The irony is that William used to be the cute one while Harry was all apple-cheeked ginger slight nerdiness. Methinks the military did him quite a world of good.
suzanne
@Comrade Mary:
WORD. If you’re losing your hair, just shave your damn head already and be done with it. I think that’s actually a really hot look. Michael Stipe is a freakin’ babe.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Yutsano:
I’d take Harry for a test drive if I got the chance, although one would have to scrub the swastikas off him first…
ETA: I like being able to edit my posts anytime I want.
Yutsano
@suzanne: Patrick. Stewart. The prosecution rests.
@Sarah Proud and Tall: Harry was the one diddling with the Nazi costumes hon. William is just stogidly boring beyond belief. I think he’s taking lessons from his father.
ribletsonthepan
@asiangrrlMN: Co-sign the Ms. Sarah live-blog in prose. Yeeeeeeeeesh is right. Wasn’t Diana suppose to infuse the royals with good-looking-movie-star-coded genes?
Church Lady
@Yutsano: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a ginger! My son is one, and he’s quite good looking, if I do say so myself. But, it’s not just me… all the young girls seem to really like him too. Of course, it also might be the bright blue eyes and pink Irish cheeks that add to his cuteness. Well, that and his wicked sense of humor.
Me, prejudiced? No, not at all. I’m completely objective.
suzanne
@Yutsano:
Seconded. And Anthony Edwards.
I just asked my husband to shave his head. LOL.
MonkeyBoy
From this side of the pond, I get the Royal Family and the Harry Potter books confused, as I assume many of my fellow Americans also do.
Yutsano
@suzanne:
Please tell me he asked if that had anything to do with Regis Philbin and vibrators.
@Church Lady: Of course you’re objective. Like an Auburn rad reffing an Auburn game is objective. No shame in a little matronly pride. Plus hormones do gingers wonders.
Comrade Mary
Yeah, bald can be freakin’ hawt. A couple of the more admirable dudes of my acquaintance are losing some of their pelts but none of their allure.
Yutsano
@Comrade Mary: Bald heads/high & tights are very very fun to rub during intimate moments. Excuse me while I go fan myself for a moment.
suzanne
@Yutsano:
Do you really think he actually has to ask such questions?
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
@Linda Featheringill: Further, it’s why the British tabloid press not-so-secretly refer to the Windsors as ‘The Germans.’
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
@Yutsano: backs out of room. discretely closes door.
Phoebe
@lamh34:
I know, these two apparently know each other. Where’s the romance in that? Pfft.
Yutsano
@Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel): Well I suppose the offer to take photographs is out of the question then. Plus that would creep me the hell out. I can barely stand to get my face picture taken, why the hell would I want my ass running around out there?
@suzanne: Only if he was being a smartass back to you. Which then I know how much fun taking y’all to dinner would be next time I have to brave the circle of Hell that is Sky Harbor.
Villago Delenda Est
@Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel):
The British Royal Family has been German since the early 18th century. As the wiki excerpt illustrates, “Windsor” was adopted in 1917 because “Gotha” was associated with the name of a German bomber. Wilhelm II joked that he was looking forward to a staging of the “Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha” upon hearing of the surname change in London.
One could argue, in fact, that they’ve not been actually English since 1066.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@suzanne:
to be fair, if they are going to have to schedule a royal wedding some time, doing it the same weekend as the nfl draft is about as good, for some of us, as timing can get.
somehow i think the audiences, by and large, will remain willfully and mutually exclusive.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: And what are those of us who care about neither supposed to do, huh? The second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs probably won’t start until Sunday. Maybe Saturday, if I’m lucky.
Villago Delenda Est
@Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN):
Probably a good weekend to start up that Worgen Warlock you’ve been thinking of getting going in WoW.
Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)
@Villago Delenda Est: I remember reading that the Spencers considered themselves more English than the Windsors:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Spencer-Churchill_family
But Aethelbald will always be the 1st king to me.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN):
i know the nhl can be clueless but i think they are smart enough to not go dark all weekend.
fraught
William was cute and then one day he woke up looking like his aunt, Princess Anne, who was cute until she was about 10 and then that odd horse face thing started to happen to her. I don’t know what it is with those Windors but they do spend a lot of time in the stables. Maybe it’s the feed.
I still think Harry is the offspring of some hot ginger Diana tricked with when Charles was preoccupied reciting Browning to his Aspidistra.
TheMightyTrowel
@fraught: you’re not the only one. He’s a captain in one of the armed forces and it’s widely rumoured. They do look mightily similar….
thalarctos
@David Brooks (not that one):
I have no doubt it’s on the list, but overall progress on his agenda has been slowed by pushback from the serfs.
thalarctos
@TheMightyTrowel: Presumably, William and Kate will set about making that question irrelevant tout de suite. However, if William somehow were to abdicate or die childless, and Harry should be poised to take the throne, I bet the issue (heh!) would heat up.
David Brooks (not that one)
@thalarctos: Before William was born, the commentariat and some politicians were all a-twitter about the absolute necessity of changing the laws of succession with respect to gender right now, because in the democratic 21st Century it would presumably be unseemly for a younger son to take precedence over an older daughter when it comes to throney things. And it would apparently be equally unseemly to change the law after the birth, if it turned out to be a daughter. They never did get around to it, and fortunately a boy was born. Then 30 years passed during which nothing was done because of lack of urgency.
Expect more fluttering, and continued inaction.
Hungry Joe
So, a few (or many) hundreds of years ago, some particularly clever/savage/lucky warlord manages to slaughter more people than competing warlords, declares himself King, and thereafter his descendants, generally married off to the descendants of an equally clever/savage/lucky warlord, are considered Royalty, with (we are assured) oxygen transported to their cells via blue blood. Is there any more to it, or is that pretty much it?
Kerry Reid
I demand to see Harry’s long-form birth certificate!
Comrade Scrutinizer
@lamh34:
Considering how that turned out, maybe it’s a good thing.
Paul in KY
@fraught: One of her riding trainers I hear.