Ahh, West Virginia:
An Alum Creek man has been arrested after neighbors allegedly found him fondling himself over the dead body of a stolen pygmy goat while wearing women’s underwear.
Mark Lucas Thompson, 19, of Greenview Road was taken into custody early Monday morning at his home where Kanawha Sheriff’s deputies were investigating the bloody scene. Thompson told deputies he had been high on “bath salts” — synthetic drugs — for the last three days, said Cpl. Sean Snuffer, a detective with the sheriff’s office.
***Thompson ran out of the house into the wooded hillside after Pollis asked about the dead goat in the bedroom. Witnesses said he ran off wearing only a muscle shirt and thong underwear.
Cpl. M.B. Cummings and Sgt. R.P. Boone went to the Greenview Road home to help Shackelford with the investigation. The three officers went into Thompson’s home and found blood on the floor. In a bedroom they found women’s panties and tampons lying on the bed and fresh blood on the floor.
He may or may not have been heard muttering “Obama is the biggest affirmative action baby ever.”
BTW- I have no idea what “bath salts” are, but I am ready to declare them bad.
(via)
Uloborus
I really don’t care what he’s into, although damn if this isn’t a ridiculous combination. Did he have to steal and kill a goat, though? That’s not cool.
jon
The goat was menstruating? Well, then it had to be killed, as it was unclean. It wasn’t supposed to do what it did! As for the rest, I’m certain there is a logical explanation.
Nom de Plume
fondling himself over the dead body of a stolen pygmy goat while wearing women’s underwear
Republican.
electricgrendel
I was rather amused by that article until I read to where it said he was mentally ill. Then I felt like I had been totally punked by the author.
different church-lady
Wait… Cpl. Snuffer? Is this from Charles Dickens or something?
KG
@jon: something tells me that what you’ve already said is going to be the most logical explanation of the event.
taylormattd
I sense a Wonkette article about this.
Sly
@Nom de Plume:
Lack of wet suits and a dildo in his rectum leads me to believe that he’s likely a mere libertarian.
gex
I don’t understand how real Americans like this get so freaked out over the gays. We’re totally vanilla compared to that.
dr. bloor
Let’s not be too hasty here. Sounds like the boy was a rank amateur when it comes to recreational pharmacology.
beltane
Is it safe to assume that this gentleman is a family values Republican?
In our small town we have a young man who walks around with an ax and claims to be 700 years old. Services for the mentally ill have taken a beating in recent years.
RossInDetroit
I has a sad for the goat. This helps.
Alex S.
Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I would fuck me so hard.
Rosalita
for a minute there I wasn’t sure if the guy was wearing the undies or the goat was
Less Popular Tim
Yeah, that “bath salts” are the new thing.
geg6
Are we sure the guy’s name wasn’t really Mickey Kaus? Cuz if not, Mickey’s gonna be pissed that he killed the goat.
As for the bath salts thing, I just saw an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette a week or two ago talking about either meth heads or oxy addicts (can’t remember which) have a way to cook up bath salts (used by old ladies in their bath water) to get their high.
Damn, John. How can you stand to live in that state, what with the goat fuckers and Joe Manchin?
Mike Kay (Team America)
Maybe Christine O’Donnell had a point, after all.
racrecir
The sheep are safe in the west hill
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171427
scav
Hell John, and you think you have hangovers.
xochi
Bath salts? Does that mean epsom salt? I know it can be used as a laxative, so maybe he found that recreational.
sukabi
the “bath salts” are marketed to take advantage of a huge loop hole in laws surrounding drugs / remedies… these “bath salts” are narcotics packaged and sold via the web as, yep, bath salts… folks inhale them… have been causing problems / deaths for a couple of years…
auroraborealis
Bath salts are literally bath salts, like you put in the tub. Apparently new chemicals have been added to some brands, and some assholes figured out if you snort it, it makes you hallucinate. Suddenly a big problem in PA too.
Chet
No, I remember hearing about this new drug that they obviously couldn’t market as “something that makes you high” but because it’s a chemical salt, apparently they could market it as “bath salts” and then just let word of mouth get around to people that the $100-a-container “bath salts” they’re selling by the fairground will actually get you wicked high.
Lemme see if I can look it up: http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/649596.html
Right. Yeah, apparently they’re incredibly addictive and may cause permanent psychosis. Awesome!
Sasha
Ah, but were they pink Himalayan bath salts?
Culture of Truth
Snuffer, Cummings? Really?
In related news, Trump: “I have already decided. I am going to announce.”
Underdog
I heard of a story out of Philly where a guy was high on these bath salts. He was found chasing cars down a road for hours. He would also get into cars that were stopped at a traffic light and just start talking to the driver like he knew him. These new drugs apparently make you go insane for a few days.
General Stuck
A story that needn’t have been told
BGinCHI
This is good news for John McCain.
Jay in Oregon
@Culture of Truth:
Whoops, the attention junkie is looking for another fix!
(Trump, that is, not CoT.)
Calouste
@Culture of Truth:
Truthified.
demkat620
Dude keeps this up he can run for Congress.
goblue72
@Chet: Crackers will do anything to get high.
bjacques
Weird, but I have a feeling I’ve read this story before. Only without the bath salts.
goblue72
@Sasha: Not likely. He would have stolen his neighbor’s train set while screaming “I’m going GALT!” instead.
HyperIon
Recently out here in Seattle, bath salts may have been involved in some kind of mayhem.
Our former police chief (and current Drug Czar) says…
Kristine
You know, I really hate to think about how that poor goat might have died.
Mike Kay (Team America)
@Culture of Truth: Trump will probably announce and run because his show doesn’t start until January of 2012. So he can flop and drop out before New Hampshire and before filming begins.
People who act out during a mid-life crisis are so pathetic.
dmsilev
@Culture of Truth: Of course, he hasn’t said what he’s going to announce. For all we know, he’s going to announce his new line of hair-care products.
dms
taylormattd
@Alex S.: eeewwwww. ((shudder))
Julie Raffety
@dr. bloor:
Evidently some bath salts make you crazy if you snort them. I know I read about it in the L.A. Times, but can’t find it now.
bluehill
OT:
Did you hear this about someone who vowed not to shave his beard until OBL was captured or killed? He’s clean-shaven for first time in 9 years.
Culture of Truth
Breaking: Obama to Declare ‘War on Bath Salts’
Awktalk
This the same animal that was at the center of the story Bush was reading when 9/11 happened, My Pet Goat…
trollhattan
Nice state you have there, JC. Not that anything like that ever happens in California…. Also, too, former Democratic Senate candidate Kaus called about the goat.
Speaking of the left coast, Sarah(tm)
paid us a visitwas just paid for a visit and to share her wisdom. Evidently, if the gummint would just leavefarmersgiant corporate agribusiness conglomerates alooooone, everybody in the San Joaquin Valley would be rich, rich, rich. She doesn’t examine how the government that is taking away thefarmers’agribusiness’ water is the same government that developed, exported and delivered the same water (at dimes on the dollar).Fracking government, how does it work?
http://www.sacbee.com/2011/05/02/3593982/palin-takes-jabs-makes-no-promises.html
Just Some Fuckhead
I posted something about them on my FB page sometime back. Apparently, they are the most amazing thing ever, make you feel like a superhero that can fly and shit.
Or reenact the Manson Murders with a goat.
BGinCHI
@Just Some Fuckhead: You go first.
Blogreeder
@Just Some Fuckhead:
So they’ve reinvented LSD?
Dan
Erections Have Consequences.
Uncle Clarence Thomas
.
.
What is his handle/screen name here on balloon-juice.com?
.
.
Brachiator
If a goat’s involved, then bath salts are “baaaaaad.”
Dennis SGMM
@Dan:
I knew that it would come to this: the snarling pack of jackals at Balloon Juice have descended to ethnic slurs against our Japanese brothers and sisters.
/butthurt firebagger
kc
What, there’s a law against that?
RareSanity
@goblue72:
This is why the “War on Drugs” will not only fail, but is a tremendous farce. I don’t care if you ban every chemical known to man from being sold in stores. Someone, somewhere (probably WV…I kid the West Virginians) will figure out that if you take Bermuda grass, dry out, then soak it in urine from a Pug, dry it out again, and then smoke it, you will get high.*
You can not stop people determined to get high, from getting high.
*Don’t try this at home kiddies…
AkaDad
@Dan:
Lol
Dennis SGMM
@RareSanity:
Oh, shit. I should have read all of your comment. What am I going to do with a kilo of Pug-urine-soaked Bermuda grass?
MikeJ
@kc: Stolen goat. That’s against the law.
And a good name for a band.
danimal
@Uncle Clarence Thomas:
Time for m_c, or whatever she calls herself these days, to start another pool.
That pool could get vicious…
gex
Basically it’s a if you ban more and more drugs, the chemists will find more and more molecules that do the job, kind of “designer” drug. I swear, the last people who understand the market are Republicans.
The fake weed stuff is the worst. We paid for companies and universities to develop synthetics because we didn’t want anyone to get the actual item.
But that doesn’t work as well. Oh, and some of the research is public so we’ve just paid for a recipe book/starter kit for every new fake cannaboid. Well done, Drug War.
Their only governing philosophy is “Because I say so.”
goblue72
@efgoldman: Only if you crossed some of Owsley’s best stuff with high test PCP, and then spike it with some crystal meth and coke.
I did my share of experimenting with hippie drugs in college, but something that puts you into a violently paranoid pyschosis does *not* sound like any kind of enjoyable trip.
Loneoak
Conservative bestiality stories always remind me of the anecdote from Dan Savage about the weirdest/worst sex act he ever heard of. He was doing his early radio show in Seattle and interviewed a man that liked to fuck horses, and actually ran a ranch retreat for other men who did the same. At the end of the already weird interview, Savage asks, “do you like to fuck male or female horses?” After a long, pregnant pause, the man says with tremendous bile “I ain’t no faggot!”
Sounds like a Bachmann voter to me.
Culture of Truth
@kc: I was wondering about that, but the goat was apparently stolen.
Ahasuerus
@Brachiator: You’re evil. Thank you.
Ahasuerus
@Dennis SGMM: Hawk it to the teabagger Hoverround contingent as a diabetes cure.
Jennifer
@Loneoak: Your internets is in the mail.
@Kristine #36 – ever seen Altered States?
@John Cole – as a resident of Arkansas, can I just say thank god for West Virginia?
kindness
There’s always folk who will try the ‘new’ drug out there. I remember (cancels my hip-quotient right there) when smoking pot was enough to get your friends parents cross eyed at ya. God knows we didn’t tell them about anything else. While I did take many a stroll down psychoactive substance lane, I stayed away from the things I knew would turn my brain to jelly/mashed potatoes. Of course who am I to say….I enjoyed hallucinogens back then.
RareSanity
@Dennis SGMM:
1. Get bermuda grass clippings
2. Soak in Pug urine
3. ???
4. Profit!
As simple as a Donald Trump presidential campaign.
Amir_Khalid
@Just Some Fuckhead:
So now, shitting is a superhero power?
cbear
Definition of “safe sex” in West Virginia?
Branding the
sheepgoats that kick.Poopyman
@cbear: In West Virginia, boots are not just made for walkin’.
Bill Murray
@Amir_Khalid: when it is done while flying.
Dennis SGMM
@Ahasuerus: @RareSanity:
Thank you both. I’ll just peddle the stuff as a cure for liberalism and the 27% will snap it up.
Loneoak
FWIW, I have a friend with a couple pygmy goats, named Dude (born on 4/20) and Champ. Interesting little critters. Their history in the US started as food for large cats on the ships over from Africa on the way to zoos. Eventually some hobbyists started raising them.
And I know what you perverts are thinking. No, I live in CA, not WV. And no, I do not have any bath salts.
Jon H
The UK press has been talking about “bath salts” for a while, although over there it’s mostly called “plant food”.
BBC story from last year
Aardvark Cheeselog
@Chet: You realize that this link has all of the attributes of a New Drug Scare Announcement, right? Psychosis, check. Superhuman strength, check. Flipped-out users with deadly weapons, check. Terrifying comparisons to drugs the reader already knows are horrible, check. Unbelievable addictiveness, check. This is like somebody read “How to start a nationwide drug scare” and decided to try it out.
chopper
@Uncle Clarence Thomas:
“Uncle Clarence Thomas”
cathyx
I hope that goat didn’t die by… I can’t even finish the sentence, it’s too disgusting to think about. What a sick individual.
MikeJ
@cathyx: Snoo snoo?
cathyx
@MikeJ:I have no idea what snoo snoo is. I was thinking rough sex.
Nicole
The deputy’s name is Shackelford… and there’s a horse named Shackelford running in this Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. Clearly, my wagering choice has already been made for me.
Ozymandias, King of Ants
Is there any possibility that could become a tagline?
Pygmy Goat Abuse Values Voter
some days, the handles write themselves.
Ozymandias, King of Ants
@MikeJ: Win.
Loneoak
@cathyx:
Lulz. Here’s snoo snoo.
gelfling545
For what public office is he a candidate?
Ruckus
@goblue72:
It’s only good in two ways.
1. When and if you come down the world may actually look not so bad.
2. When being a stoned weirdo goat fucker is better than your real life.
Ozymandias, King of Ants
@cathyx: Well, if the goat hadn’t forgotten the safety bleat, none of this would have happened.
cathyx
@Ozymandias, King of Ants: @Loneoak: Okay yeah, death by snu snu. Hah!
Earl Butz
@Amir_Khalid: I can clear a room faster than a SWAT team with a mere fart. You DO NOT want to be around when I open the bathroom door.
MikeJ
@cathyx: After I posted I realised I had set you up for a “not tonight dear, I have a headache” joke.
Brachiator
@Ahasuerus:
No problem. Just doing my job.
And what music do you play while wooing goats? Why, Mairzy Doats
If the words sound queer,
And funny to your ear…
Davis X. Machina
Best Zap Brannigan line ever: “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.”
gnomedad
@geg6:
I thought it was generous of Cole to leave the Mickey Kaus reference for some deserving commenter.
Kristine
@Jennifer:
No…do I want to?
Loneoak
@MikeJ:
The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
EDIT: @Davis X. Machina: Beat me to it. Good play, dear sir.
opie jeanne
@Less Popular Tim: And these supposed bath salts have names that suggest their intended use.
And can I find any of those names I saw on the news last week? No, all I can find are things like Stardust and Purple Wave and Bliss.
gnomedad
@Earl Butz:
The Spleen! Can I have your autograph?
Omnes Omnibus
@Dennis SGMM: Sell it in WV, I guess.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I’m sure John is glad that he was caught before running for congress on the WV Republican ticket.
gnomedad
@gnomedad:
Oops, shoulda checked the link.
opie jeanne
@Culture of Truth: Really? Trump is going to run? The man just doesn’t know when to stop, does he?
gnomedad
In fairness, there’s no evidence that he blew the goat.
Omnes Omnibus
@gnomedad: It is irresponsible not to speculate.
Svensker
@Ozymandias, King of Ants:
Snort. Win.
Dennis SGMM
@Omnes Omnibus:
Nuh uh: they grow some excellent shit there. My friends in WV refer to it as “the cash crop.”
Quaker in a Basement
Drugs that make you want to do stuff like that? Do. Not. Want.
Omnes Omnibus
@Dennis SGMM: people often want to try something new. Pug-urine soaked Bermuda grass is definitely new.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Quaker in a Basement:
Apparently it makes you randier than a goat.
Dennis SGMM
@Omnes Omnibus:
I was at Berkeley back in the Sixties when the Mellow Yellow myth came out. Someone, somewhere, read that there is a drug in banana peel so people were scraping off banana peels and then drying the gunk in the oven, powdering it up, and smoking it. I got in touch with a Botany major friend of mine at another school and asked her about it. She replied that the drug was indeed present but that you’d have to smoke a truckload of banana peels to get any effect. I kept that to myself because it was fun watching people try to get high from banana peels.
MikeJ
@Dennis SGMM: Nutmeg is another household source of high, but you need to consume massive quantities.
Dennis SGMM
@MikeJ:
We used to call nutmeg “the jail house high.” One of my friends tried it and he got slightly high, really sick, and had one hell of a headache afterward.
Southern Beale
Bath salts = this year’s reefer madness. I hear all the kewl kids are doing them.
MikeBoyScout
In 2 decades this assclown could likely be the W.VA Republican nominee for governor. Well, once he is born again.
kdaug
@Amir_Khalid:
Depends on the velocity.
johnny walker
@Aardvark Cheeselog: Ok, you dislike the form. What about the content? The issue here is whether they’re describing the dangers of these drugs accurately (my understanding is they are) not whether the way they’re doing so reminds me of Reefer Madness.
I mean, I don’t have any personal experience with ‘bath salts.’ But I had a bit of an ugly youth, did a lot of meth when I was a teenager, and some of the people I used to do it with are still doing it 15 years later. I can assure you that the dangers of meth as described by politicians, the MSM, etc. are completely accurate.
Comrade Darkness
Wonderful how smoothly Trump’s run for president and hallucinogenic goat fucking fit in the same thread.
bkny
so many questions … but, i really do not want to know.
re the bath salts .. apparently, that’s the new off-the-counter smoke to get high. last month, a co-worker’s neighbor’s son was arrested for murdering his girlfriend and leaving her body in the basement.
what fascinates me is … who is the first person to smoke fucking bath salts to get high.
Uncle Clarence Thomas
@chopper:
.
.
That obviously makes no sense, although it was obviously expected. Try again, obvious monkey.
.
.
Ruckus
@bkny:
Let’s get Mikeee to do it.
@Comrade Darkness:
Pretty much any of the front running rethugs fit right in.
Run the visuals in your head and tell me I’m wrong.
Triassic Sands
Surely, this is a candidate for Worst Post Ever (at BJ).
I can’t be absolutely sure about that, because I quit reading after the first short paragraph and filed this away under “Things I don’t want or need to know about WVA (or anyplace else).”
Jeebus, have you no standards, Mr. Cole?
Robert Waldmann
finally news I can use on balloon juice. No not that one can get high on bath salts, that there is a pygmy goat molester in WV. My sister just bought two pygmy goats and she lives in Western Maryland near the border.
I feel I should warn her with an e-mail but the subject line would have to be “not work safe, don’t read with children around, don’t read near the goats, lock up the bath salts” and gmail won’t let me type that much
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
what the hell, i mean who hasn’t been there before? doesn’t anyone remember what it was like to be young, and get curried ahwaaaaaaaaay?
seriously, i would love to see his intenet browser cache. how does one work themselves up to such a specific thing.
Omnes Omnibus
@Robert Waldmann: You should make sure that she knows that the perp is a molester of pygmy goats and not a pygmy who happens to molest goats of whatever size.
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: Hey, if she is looking for a pygmy, she might miss the real perp.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Omnes Omnibus:
reading further on in the story, and at the risk of sounding like i am blaming the victim, i bet it was the pink collar that really sent thompson over the edge.
eemom
has nobody noticed that this episode TOTALLY vindicates Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum?
ok, he had the wrong animal, but STILL.
Omnes Omnibus
@eemom: The man kept a fetus in a jar, Nothing vindicates him.
Gordon Guano
I have it on good authority he was just trying to help the goat over the fence.
Continental Op
Mephedrone. Bad stuff, I’m sure, but there is usually a certain amount of media hype involved. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mephedrone .
Judith Delgado
This type of synthetic drug is distributed clandestinely in the form of capsules, pills or tablets of various colors, which is ingested orally. This type of synthetic drug is abundant in the raves and clubs of electronic music festivals, the person who consumes does not feel tired to dance all night, because of the impact of their consumption.
Young people between 17 and 24 years according to statistics are the more they consume, being twice as many women as men. According to the type of drug used (hydrocodone, oxycontin or lortab are used by young people) can cause particular effects such as dryness of the mouth, dehydration, change in heart rate, seizures, etc.
Judith Delgado
Findrxonline
i'm a superhero i can like fly and shit.
@Just Some Fuckhead: i don’t need bath salts.