The latest in the Chronicles of Rosie- apparently I rolled over last night and kicked Rosie in my sleep, which startled her so much (she sleeps sounder than any dog I have ever met) that she bit my big toe. Not hard enough that it broke skin or left marks, just enough to scare the shit out of me. In one frightened move, I jumped out of bed and knocked over everything on my table stand, in the process kicking Rosie again and pulling cover off the bed, leaving Lily on the bed wondering wtf, me standing in the dark in my jammies with the comforter all wrapped around me and Rosie on the ground barking and pissed off at me.
Never a dull moment. I just know I am going to be found dead one day in my home due to an animal related incident.
Corner Stone
Ok. Coupla things.
You wear PJ’s to bed?
And we all know you kicked that fucking dog on purpose the second time.
Comrade Mary
WTF was Tunch doing during all this? Holding the bed down? Did he even open an eye?
Martin
@Comrade Mary:
Keeping Jupiter in a stable orbit.
Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity
John Cole, graduate, Larry, Moe and Curly School of Pet Ownership.(Nyuk-nyuk)
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
It starts with toes, and it ends with having your face chewed off by your dogs. But look on the bright side – maybe you’ll like your new face even more!
piratedan
just taking things to their logical conclusion
dailykos.com/story/2011/05/02/971362/-The-Earthers
BGinCHI
More efficient to kick the dog before you go to bed.
Unless that’s a metaphor, in which case I’m not really sure about sequencing.
Roger Moore
FTFY. For somebody who nearly impaled himself in a mopping accident to blame this kind of thing on the animals is a bit rich.
R-Jud
Every time you post one of these domestic slapstick-type posts, I have “Yakkity Sax” stuck in my head the rest of the day.
@Martin: You’re a riot, you know that?
piratedan
@R-Jud: I was thinking along the lines of Benny Hill, but with the femmes
Maude
@Martin:
Win
Emma
Have you thought of putting up some cameras? You could be winning actual dollars in one of those “funny video” shows!
Tulip
@Martin:
+10
heh, indeed.
Punchy
Now if only Rosie were an actual chick, and she was awakened by your rolling-over…uh…manhood…maybe then would I think that there’s a future out there for you….
Valdivia
I feel so much better about my splatter that left me half maimed after reading about this. But good you didn’t fall or break anything John. Or stepped on Tunch.
JGabriel
John Cole @ Top:
Rosie: He keeps kicking me in his sleep.
Tunch: Have you tried biting him?
Rosie: Biting him?
Tunch: Next time he kicks you.
Rosie: Bite him?
Tunch: Yeah. Bite him. Hard.
Rosie: Next time he kicks me?
Tunch: (Glares)
Rosie: Right. (Waddles away.)
Tunch: Good. May plan proceeds apace. (Rubs paws together.) Now, where can I get a hair trigger gun for the rifle trap?
.
PeakVT
Does anyone here live in Texas? I ran across this horrible story at Booman Tribune. Maybe (or not) calling your state reps or local federal DA might help the guy.
darkmatter
Cole. repeat after me: if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
eemom
nah. You’ll get eated before they have time to find you.
Catsy
@Martin: Thread won. We can all leave now.
abo gato
I’m the crazy person in Texas who has occasionally volunteered to take Rosie off your hands. I am afraid I will have to rescind that offer for the moment. Our son moved back home from Austin and brought a 5 month old puppy that is a mix of border collie and Australian heeler. That addition to my two JRTs has put me full up of pups.
Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity
BTB, this type of post begs for its own tag. Something like, Cole’s Further Slapstick Routines. It would be Teh Awesome to just click on the tag and relive John’s various flirtations with death.
Michael D.
Jammies?
freelancer
@abo gato:
Cole goes and buys some razor blades and A Simple Plan CD.
geg6
Between Martin and Roger Moore, I have now wiped down the iPhone twice.
Cole, you are the clumsiest damn man I have ever known (virtually, that is). Jeebus.
For me, I’m just glad the week is over. Finals are done, students are mostly gone for the summer, my move is accomplished, and I can spend the weekend trying to get the house and my belongings semi-organized. Really, really ready for a drink. Or ten.
R-Jud
@Michael D.: At least he didn’t say “jim-jams”.
freelancer
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity:
Well, it’d be quite the list.
From memory we have last night, the time Cole got stranded on his own roof, the time he fell and shattered his shoulder and every bone in that quadrant, the nekkid mopping, and the time he fell off a tank. I’m certain I missed a bunch.
MattR
If you didn’t spill or break anything on your nightstand consider yourself lucky.
Unrelated, but I was just reading this article at TPM about the Dems in Wisconsin alleging fraud regarding Republican attempts to recall three Democratic senators and have to pass this part along. It starts with this quote from the Democrats’ press release
And is followed by this paragraph from the author at TPM.
Valdivia
So is this the Open Thread where I can tell you all that on a very brief stop-over in Miami from down south of the border a few weeks ago I bumped into a man I had a (platonic but intense) thing with and the first thing out of his mouth is: I’ve been looking for you for 20 years. I never forgot you.
And he had indeed been looking for me cause he had read everything I ever wrote. Hmm. Is it weird to actually like to have a stalker?
Ann B. Nonymous
Better than dead naked with a mop.
ABL
@Martin: hilarious, as always.
and john, considering you tried to pawn rosie off on me a few weeks ago, i’m not sure i trust your characterization of the scenario.
i’m going to need to see the long-form video.
aimai
@Roger Moore:
Prezackly.
aimai
Nicole
Since it’s an open thread, speaking of Rosies, 23-year-old jockey Rosie Napravnik becomes just the 6th woman to ride in the Derby tomorrow.
aimai
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity:
Keep it simple. Maybe Tunch’s TV. or “Mop, Broom, Death.”
aimai
Just Some Fuckhead
I feel ya bro. I wake up every morning with claw marks on my legs from where the killer cat works me over trying to take my spot. Apparently we go at it pretty hard every night for my side of the bed. I’ll never truly like cats as long as they have that unearned sense of entitlement.
This is the same cat that wouldn’t catch a mouse in the den forcing us to get the dog to wrangle it and take it outside.
kdaug
I frequently tell my wife this. Both dogs, but particularly the 100lb Golden, love to stand directly behind you when you’re doing something remotely interesting (particularly in the kitchen).
Not sit behind you, note, but stand perpendicular to you, 3 or 4 inches away from the back of your legs.
And we have concrete floors.
She’s already tripped over the German Shepherd once – ended up with a bruised palm for a week – and the Golden’s come damn close to landing me flat on my back a couple times.
Cheryl from Maryland
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity: I vote for “Nekkid Mopping”.
Luthe
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity:
No, no, no. “Adventures in Naked Mopping” is more like it.
ETA: @Cheryl from Maryland: Jinx!
PoliticalHack
How about having 2 cats that every once in a while will run across the bed in the middle of the night, waking you up… And then have them twice push off your face with their rear (clawed) paws…. I’ve had slices on both temples just an inch from each eye (I think the 2nd time was an attempt by the kitties to fix the aesthetics of having a slight scar on one temple but not the other).
And yes, both cats still live. I think sometimes their purrs at night are remembrances of their attacks on their clueless owner.
Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity
@Cheryl from Maryland: @aimai:
“Adventures in Self Abuse” might work, too.
Luthe
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity: I don’t want to hear about Cole’s masturbation habits.
Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity
@Luthe:
Quasi-jinx!
muddy
@kdaug:
You’re doing it wrong. They are trying to get you to step on them and then make it better with a treat. Or at least sweep all that food to the floor accidentally, requiring professional canine cleanup.
It’s *just* like when you teach them to sit by backing them up with a treat. Aside from the broken bones, medical and vet bills when things go awry.
R-Jud
@Valdivia:
There are stalkers, and then there are admirers. Sounds like there’s a lot of potential for romance there.
Cheryl from Maryland
@Studly Pantload, now with enhanced schmuckosity: That could include way too many posts to be just John’s misadventures.
Corner Stone
@Valdivia: Ummm. You should back away slowly. Slowwwwwly. Don’t startle it! Just.Real.Easy.
Bill H.
Many years ago I had a Macaw parrot and a tomcat who were not on friendly terms. There was an ongoing quest to see which one was going to eat the other one for lunch. One night I had the good fortune, which turned out to be bad fortune, to have a girfriend sleep over. The cat came into the bedroom after we were asleep, looked up and saw my feet and jumped onto the bed beside my feet, landing on girlfriend’s feet, which he had failed to notice. Scared the shit out of girfriend and cat, and so cat used teeth and claws on girlfriend’s ankles. That caused a good deal of shrieking and running around which upset the parrot, who started squawking at full volume. I had no idea what was going one, what with birds and cats and naked women flying around the place, and neighbors pounding on the walls telling us to shut the fuck up.
That relationship did not last.
Corner Stone
@R-Jud:
Yes. Romance of the kind where he drugs her and saws off her skullcap to dine on her brains one spoonful at a time. It’s not that he wants to hurt her, he just wants to deeply understand how she comes up with so many beautiful things to write about.
Corner Stone
@Valdivia: I hate to say this, but if I thought about a woman often enough to actually, really, ever say this to her face ~ I would have called you years ago.
kdaug
@Luthe: IIRC, we’re missing a critical detail here – Cole was singing while mopping naked (my bet is show tunes). So he tries to do his best Fred Astaire on a wet floor, naked, with a mop, and damn near cracks his skull on the toilet.
The singing is a crucial aspect to the image.
Son of Prog
I’ve been pet-sitting my sister’s cat and two Boston terriers, and it’s comforting knowing I’m not the only person who has these experiences. Although I only have two months left.
fhtagn
Meh. If you insist on sleeping with a sociopathic dog, ya gotta expect these events. Honestly, what else was going to happen once matoko_canine became part of your world?
Valdivia
@R-Jud:
yeah, it felt more like that then a real stalker, stand outside your window follow you around menacingly kinda thing. I had one of those when I lived in NY. Not fun. But this. Something else…
@Corner Stone:
made me laugh. This guy is definitely no serial killer. and not to make excuses for the guy–but while I lived in nyc I never had a phone in my name. Subletting kinda of deal that made it impossible. Cel yes, but unlisted. And my email was university affiliated and not public. So I know why he never called.
Thanks guys for the thoughts. Have to amble my way to the kitchen but will return later to read what else you think I shouldn’t do…I think Corner thinks talking on the phone for hours is out :)
WaterGirl
@Valdivia: It sounds kind of nice and very flattering. Something like that happened to me 5 years ago. Long story, short: you’re the woman I have thought about and fantasized about for the past 20 years. I love you, I’ve always loved you, I will always love you.
At first I told the story of this odd thing that had happened. After about a week I started to think it was pretty cool and gave it all a chance. Long distance, lots of sparks, mad love, passion, romance, visits.
In the end, I realized there was a reason he had never called me all those years. He was better at fantasy and a relationship in his head than he was at reality. Cue heartbreak and devastation. Oh, and “I will always love you” turned out to have some small print attached – I was always love you and will never leave you, unless, of course, I hang up on you during a difficult conversation and never contact you again. The end.
That’s my story, but I say go for it if it seems intriguing! Your story may have a very different ending from mine.
Corner Stone
@Valdivia: Not to get all weird on you but I once had an ex contact me from prison in Louisiana. So, I know if someone wants to talk to you, they definitely can.
Although, I will admit I have a long lost love. We went to 2nd grade together, and she was amazing. We did everything together. Coloring, math, holding hands on the playground, geography, the decathlon. We then went on to different school districts, only bumping into one another once around the 6th grade. I was tongue tied she was so pretty. Like Lucifer himself had created a temptress for your soul.
Anyway, she went on to be the Homecoming Queen of her high school. And had two children with someone else.
Sorry…it’s a little dusty in here. Excuse me.
grillo
The Night the Bed Fell by James Thurber.
WaterGirl
@grillo: The link didn’t work. I am a fan of James Thurber and had never seen that before. The beginning is quite charming, heading back to finish it now.
This link works.
Anne Laurie
I’d laugh harder if I hadn’t spent last weekend in the hospital, getting IV antibiotics for an accidental dog bite. (Really accidental; dopey Sydney grabbed for the towel in my hand & punctured my palm.)
And if the Spousal Unit hadn’t required ER treatment just a couple weeks before that, after the ‘sensible’ dog crawled over his face and scratched SO’s cornea.
The third dog is the known biter, so gods only know what kind of grief she’ll get us into sometime around Memorial Day…
Cole, I still think Rosie should be spending her nights in a crate, for everybody’s sake. Buy her a chunk of raw ‘soup bone’ at the grocery that’s too big for her to shatter, and lock her up with it at bedtime. She’ll be happy to spend the night alternating between scraping every last molecule of flesh off the bone & lying comatose. And the rest of you will sleep better.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Corner Stone: ZOMG, the first real love of my life was when I was 13. We were in a small Christian ACE school in a small town. I think she was a year younger. Anyway, we held hands once.
I found her on Facebook about a year ago and she looks exactly the same. And get ready for this.. in a culture where everyone we know is a right wing conservative nut for Jesus and guns, she’s a liberal! Lives in Atlanta, is a CPA or accountant or something. Anyway, we talk all the time now. Our kids are the same age, etc.
One day I asked her why she left me for some dweeb and she didn’t remember who the dweeb was. I did.
Valdivia
@WaterGirl:
Thanks for sharing that story. Sorry it ended badly. And yes, the romance quotient can be high with love long lost. Feels very Love in the Time of the Cholera. Specially since I do remember being the one that walked away from things and broke his heart. He does seem to know exactly what to say, *that* hasn’t changed.
@Corner Stone:
prison huh? now that’s a story!
I am actually mostly having a confused about all of this. I’d totally forgotten he existed, until he walked right back into my life. Weird. He pined away and I didn’t. But now. Can’t seem to keep away.
Kristine
@ABL:
Rosie should do a rotation with each of the FP’ers. A month? Six weeks? Like an internship. Disasters should be blogged and discussed, and at the end of the year/whenever, we all vote for Rosie’s new home.
Corner Stone
@Valdivia: Well, however that turns out just remember ~ I’ve got bail money.
No one of Importance
@Anne Laurie:
The fact that Rosie will feel neglected and definitely not part of the family any more is obviously of no significance to you, is it?
Cole kicks Rosie by accident == Rosie gets crated. Um, yeah. I can see that making Rosie a happy rescue pup.
Valdivia
@Corner Stone:
will keep that in mind :)
thanks y’all
TooManyJens
Well, that’s one question answered.
tkogrumpy
Live by the dog, die by the dog.
Anne Laurie
@No one of Importance:
Everybody staying half-awake & tense all night for fear of another ‘incident’ doesn’t make for a happy pup, either. Or a happy Cole. Giving Rosie her own space, and a treat to keep her busy until she drops off, is no harsher than deciding a toddler is old enough to sleep in her own room instead of her parents’ bed.
Besides, Rosie deserves a home where she’ll be loved as unconditionally as Lily is, and Cole is working on that. So being crated at night can also be a way for her to ‘detach’ from the Cole Pack and get ready for her next family.
fhtagn
@Anne Laurie:
Oh come on. No more pussy-footing around! Let’s just do what the voters want and have Rosie extraordinarily renditioned. Total detachment from the Cole Pack, lots of interesting new experiences, world travel… what’s not to like?
fhtagn
Oh come on. No more pus.sy-footing around! Let’s just do what the voters want and have Rosie extraordinarily renditioned. Total detachment from the Cole Pack, lots of interesting new experiences, world travel… what’s not to like?
Ecks
@fhtagn/a>: Can you send a JRT to a Black Lab site?