People this stupid shouldn’t even be having sex.
The Florida legislature passed a poorly-written law meant to address bestiality (because apparently Floridians are shagging gators or whatever) but which seemingly bans sex between humans.
The law states:
An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date.
Now for those of you who paid attention in grade school science class, you know that humans are animals. You can even look it up on your computer machine:
Yes, humans are animals. The human’s phylum is Chordata (vertebrate). The human’s class is mammalia. It’s [sic] order is primate (the same as apes). It’s [sic] family is Hominidae (apes that have no tail and can gather food with their hands.) The Human’s sub-family is Homininae. It’s [sic] tribe is Hominini. It’s genus is Homo and it’s [sic] specie is scientifically named Homo Sapiens.
Accordingly, prohibiting sexual contact or conduct with an animal prohibits sexual contact or conduct with a human.
Derp.
As noted by Southern Fried Scientist:
So if you’re living in Florida on October 1, 2011 and would like to have sexual intercourse with a consenting adult, please check with your veterinarian or local livestock breeder first to make sure you abide by ”accepted animal husbandry practices, conformation judging practices, or accepted veterinary medical practices.”
Now whether the law was simply unfortunately worded, or whether the Florida Senate is chock full of creationists who thinks God plopped us on earth 6,000 years ago, it is plain that there are some serious shenanigans afoot in Florida. Per the yoozsh.
Notably, in the definitions associated with the statute, the word “animal” includes “every living dumb creature” and the world “person” includes corporations and their agents and employees:
828.02 Definitions.–In this chapter, and in every law of the state relating to or in any way affecting animals, the word “animal” shall be held to include every living dumb creature; the words “torture,” “torment,” and “cruelty” shall be held to include every act, omission, or neglect whereby unnecessary or unjustifiable pain or suffering is caused, except when done in the interest of medical science, permitted, or allowed to continue when there is reasonable remedy or relief; and the words “owner” and “person” shall be held to include corporations, and the knowledge and acts of agents and employees of corporations in regard to animals transported, owned, employed by or in the custody of a corporation, shall be held to be the knowledge and act of such corporation.
It’s rather arcane that the phrase “dumb creature” references non-human animals, don’t you think? Who wrote these definitions and, more importantly, were they written circa Helen Keller? It’s bizarre.
Moreover, I think we can all agree that Teabillies are the dumbest of “dumb creatures,” and I, for one, support all laws that prohibit sexual contact between humans and Teabillies. If the Teabillies won’t get out of the gene pool, then we should forcibly remove them under penalty of law.
[source and image via Southern Fried Science]
[cross-posted here in Sexxitown]
fasteddie9318
So, like, the Walt Disney company itself couldn’t legally fuck Mickey Mouse anymore, right? Or is Mickey different because he’s not a “dumb” animal?
Mnemosyne
I’m pretty sure that when they say “dumb animal,” they mean a non-speaking one, not a stupid one (yes, the old-fashioned definition of dumb). If it was a stupid one, teabillies could never breed outside of a zoo again.
Gin & Tonic
So I’m confused with all these definitions of people and persons and all. Can I fuck Exxon/Mobil, or not? Do I have to buy it a nice dinner first?
Damn, things used to be simpler.
Duncan Dönitz (formerly Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.)
I don’t have any problem with banning bestiality; animals that aren’t people can’t consent, so I can go along with that. But maybe the Florida legislature believes that Floridian people are also so witless that they can’t consent either. I don’t know; I don’t live in Florida. Maybe they’re right.
danimal
So who’s going to be the first to file a frivolous criminal charge?
The Venn diagram with Teabillies and Dumb Creatures is a concentric circle.
demz taters
They should have just specified “farm animals” like they do in their craigslist ads.
El Cid
God said Man was different than animal, that’s why Adam named them all, and why Noah’s ark was filled with animals 2 x 2 and not people 2 x 2.
Why do you libruls make it so complicated and when you read this law just open the damn Bible so you can figure out what a law means?
gbear
So Mickey Kaus has crossed visiting Florida off his ‘To Do’ list?
gbear
Have you ever owned a cat? They talk up a storm.
Todd
@Mnemosyne: Sweet so we’re still good on creepy parrot activities then. Also you can still make out with this dog.
Just Some Fuckhead
If it stops Republicans from making baby Republicans, I’m going to have to reluctantly support it. Yes, it’s not fair for other Floridians but this is what you fucking get for fucking up the 2000 election. Fuckers.
cmorenc
The new law clearly doesn’t apply to you if:
– you are practicing animal “husbandry”, i.e. doing it for purposes of breeding (i.e. no contraceptives, of fertile age);
OR:
– you are under the supervision of a veterinarian.
So, sex outside marriage during fertile, procreative years is ok, so long as you are under the care and supervision of a veterinarian. Somehow, the veterinary lobby was involved with pushing passage of this bill.
cinesimon
Given that the entirety of the republicans are creationists who reject even the most basic science, it’s no surprise that they didn’t think about humans as animals – after all, in their ignorant world, we’re not animals. Apparently, we’re Special: we’re Made In God’s Image(at least the white folk are).
So really, you could probably convince them they ‘inadvertently’ passed a law banning sex with people who have more skin pigment than the average right winger(aka Real ‘Merrkin), but certainly not themselves – that would just be un-christian, overly PC(remember, science is really just a conspiracy by commie Democrats and liberals to empower and legitimize political correctness aimed at destroying America and creating a Kenyan anti-colonial secular Muslim fascist state, and imprisoning all god-fearing conservatives – nothing else) and most importantly, also too most factually, such a suggestion is anti-constitution, of course!
Sarah Proud and Tall
However, sex with slime molds will still be legal, which will be a relief for Newt Gingrich’s current and future wives.
Ash Can
I’m sure the hearing-impaired in Florida are all in favor of that “dumb animal” bit.
scav
But could we also somehow interpret this as the corporations can no longer fuck with us?
El Cid
I don’t see how you can let women have animal husbandry when they aren’t even allowed to have sex with them.
reflectionephemeral
This law, along with another, gave rise to a classic lede a week or so ago: “Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.”
I clicked though to that law, expecting that there was a definition section that’d make clear what they meant… to no avail. No sex in Florida, then. Can’t wait to see the patterns of enforcement…
WereBear
I swear, a winger’s response to anything is “Make it illegal!”
And then they aren’t even good at it.
Primigenius
“Birds do it, Bees do it, Even loquacious parakeets do it, Let’s do it, Let’s make some love…”
Just Some Fuckhead
@WereBear:
This is in response to actual bestiality??? I just assumed they were going through Leviticus verse by verse.
jl
OK, so if I have this straight, corporations can have sex with each other, and employees of corporations can have sex with each other, and any combo involving one of anything and plants, slime mold, bacteria and archaea can have sex, in Florida.
Is that right?
I don’t understand the ‘effective date’ part.
Sounds like this law will make all dates pretty ineffective.
jl
@El Cid:
“animal husbandry”
If you are implying that in some quarters, the term “animal husbandry” would be considered to contain redundancy, I agree.
JGabriel
ABL @ Top:
Po’ Tommy. That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure can’t get laid in Florida.
.
jeff
Not to be a dick, but phylogenetics has nothing to do with the legal usage of “animal”. The whole LOL episode is based on category mistake, lol. I think laws should be clearer in the future, though.
JGabriel
@jeff:
I think we’re all making that mistake on purpose. Because it’s funny. And: For Science.
.
scav
the explicit bringing in of corporations certainly makes you wonder about what kind of local porn and sex tourism industries they’re worrying about. Job-Killing Sex Bill!
Sarah Proud and Tall
@jeff:
Huh? Where is the term animal legally defined in a manner that doesn’t include humans?
jeff
@JGabriel:
Sometimes I’m a humorless jackass. Like this time.
TooManyPaulWs
Well on the bright side I’m a virgin so I might be the only Floridian who won’t get arrested after Oct. 1st.
Sigh. The courts have enough BS to straighten out without this crazy poorly-worded crap to strike down.
New amendment referendum idea: all laws have to be written to where fifth graders can read it and NOT find anything to laugh at in the wording.
different church-lady
So like, two raccoons could be arrested in Florida for making the two-backed beast?
On the plus side, it sounds like men are now allowed to marry animals. Slippery slope, indeed.
freelancer
Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.
RossInDetroit
I do not think I have ever had sex in Florida.
Wait. Yeah, forgot one.
GregB
Florida is going to lose a lot of revenue once the furry conventions catch wind of this and relocate their conventions to Alabama where the atmosphere is less hostile.
RossInDetroit
Great opportunity the Free Market is offering Florida’s neighbors.
Georgia: The F**c Anything State
Roger Moore
I think the title should be “No Sex Please, We’re Floridians”.
Tom Levenson
Given this, if I were a pine tree in Florida, I’d be worried.
Just Some Fuckhead
Florida Orange Coast, It’s Not Just For Perverts Anymore.
David
Aren’t these the same people who consider corporations to be the same as people? Does this mean they can’t fuck us anymore?
jeff
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
Well, I’ve already said I’m a jackass, but “animal” in legislation most always has referred to non-humans. I know you’re old and tall, but I”m right on this, even as I’m a pedantic shit for bringing it up in the first place. Please don’t press further or you’ll lose your wonderful charm.
Just Some Fuckhead
Someone gets a little testy when bestiality is outlawed. *whistles*
JGabriel
@TooManyPaulWs:
If we’d had such a law at the federal level in the past, no legislation sponsored by Dick Armey would have ever made it out of committee.
That alone is reason enough to support it.
.
jeff
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Well, I’m from Florida.
Just Some Fuckhead
@jeff:
I guessed that already.
Just Some Fuckhead
Are you in a position to be able to move to a state that is more “friendly” to people like you?
fhtagn
So, no sex with Republicans then?
fasteddie9318
@Gin & Tonic:
That’s sweet, thinking that Exxon/Mobil is going to let you trade places with them.
Valdivia
I haz a sad. Will this put an end to that radio show that asks Germany or Florida about weird sex stuff?
Josh
Yeah, there’s a class of wingnut that doesn’t believe we’re animals. Remember when O’Reilly got outraged that someone called the Pope a primate?
Joseph Nobles
Meanwhile, Floridian sales of Miracle-Gro have gone through the roof.
Susan Kitchens
I remember very clearly the moment I realized that humans are animals. I was in gradeschool, and felt proud of myself for a question I’d come up with to ask at show and tell (or somesuch) — what’s the animal with the highest population on earth? (I was thinking: ants!)
I asked the question, and was shocked, shocked, when someone said “Humans” What?!
I think I could go back and argue that there are still more ants than humans, but I was so flabbergasted by the notion (the very thought of it!) that I sorta sputtered and sat down.
Humans are animals. It’s okay for kids to be shocked by this. State legislators, not so much.
Barb (formerly Gex)
What we can conclude for sure is that mute people with low IQs don’t count as people to these guys. Or something.
The wording gets all f-ed up because these creepy “family values” guys have to make sure that their kink/fetish isn’t banned.
@Josh: As a primate, I too am outraged that the Pope was called a primate.
RossInDetroit
@Susan Kitchens:
I’ve read, but could not source it, that for every lb of humans on earth there’s 10 lbs of beetles, and one spider for every square foot of dry land. if that last is true then the underside of my desk is suffering from overpopulation.
General Stuck
OT
From the I can’t believe he said that files. Lindsay Graham on senate wingnuts efforts to permanently keep Gitmo open.
Unfuckingbelievable. And if you haven’t watched the Frontline show on the Kill/Capture teams operating in Afghanistan, you need to. There is no real difference between what we are doing there than what we did in Vietnam under the Phoenix Program. Except maybe be more open about it.
Ralph Dosser
If a “person” is defined to include a fetus, doesn’t this also outlaw natural childbirth? I mean, the fetus’ genitals are going to rub against the mother’s genitals on the way out, almost certainly.
Roger Moore
So necrophiliac bestiality should be just peachy. Good to know.
Susan Kitchens
@RossInDetroit:
Thank you for that confirmation, Ross. This’ll help free up some psychic RAM leftover from skool daze… Wonder what I’ll do with it…. prolly burn it up here in the comments and await the great “No Sex Please, we’re Floridians” Schadenfreudening
Dollared
But this really is part of the plan to create a new reality.
Slowly, inexorably, all the money leaves government and the independent institutions. The rich get richer. And then every educational institution and non profit is dependent on rich people.
This is just a perfect case example of what is the macro trend. If only rich people have money, then money buys influence. A few more of these deals, and money buys reality. It already does at Cato, Heritage, and George Mason and Pepperdine. And now FSU.
That’s why government must get smaller. It is the only competition the oligarchy faces.
Suffern ACE
@RossInDetroit: One species of humans…many, many, species of beetle. I’m not certain if any one species of beetle has the billions. It’s probably the common housefly or some kind of dust bunny roach, if we limit the animals under consideration to things that can be seen with the naked eye.
kdaug
@El Cid:
I’m so glad he named them in English.
Roger Moore
@Suffern ACE:
OTOH, the official estimate of the world chicken population is around 16 billion, so humans aren’t #1 even among vertebrates.
Short Bus Bully
So how does all this come back to teh gheyz? You know that’s what these kinds of laws are all about in their short sighted long view. I just can’t see through their eleven dimensional checkers to the final end result of: “…being gay is therefore illegal.”
Jason Baur
Jeff is right, of course. Even the Southern Fried Scientist article admits as such by linking to this. The 828.02 section ABL quoted is controlling her. “Animal”, in Florida law, is explicitly defined to exclude humans, no matter if you find the somewhat archaic terminology amusing or not.
David Brooks (not that one)
I reject Stalin and the broccoli mandate. And there was something else, I forget.
Ecks
@scav: No. According to this, corporations are people like us, and inter-people fucking is A OK. Hence the corporate dong does not have to removed from any or all of our orifices.
Roger Moore
@Roger Moore:
Also, too; consider honey bees. USDA estimates there are around 3 million commercial beehives in the USA. A typical healthy beehive has at least 50,000 bees, giving more than 150 billion honeybees just in the USA. And yes, that is just one species, Apis melifera.
arguingwithsignposts
Sort of OT, but Common – despite the conservative nontroversy – did a poem at the White House last night. Rumproast has a partial video. And a transcript. Imagine that during the Bush 2 reign. /obot
scav
@Ecks: mmm well, it was only a faint hope. But as corporations are like super-people with super-rights in Repub-world, it’s a little surprising to see their rights limited in any way whatsoever (as they seem to be in this law). Shouldn’t the mighty invisible hand determine if animals get fucked by corporations or not?
Yutsano
Helen Keller was an avowed sociallist who also worked for civil rights and women’s suffrage. No doubt she would have enjoyed making fun of this little tidbit.
Caravelle
Oh dear, they said “sexual activities involving animals”, not “sexual activities involving JUST animals”.
They haven’t banned just sex, they’ve also banned agriculture.
Ecks
@scav: My god, you’re right. This law is uncaanstitooshunal!
ETA: so any compination of cial.is in a post will get you tossed into moderation hell, but apparently it’s fine to have t-i-t in the middle of words. I don’t know what this says about American society. (I do know what Oscar Wilde said about it though: America is the only country to move from barbarism to decadence without passing through civilization).
Viva BrisVegas
I hope this has no impact on sex with vegetables, otherwise my trip to Florida is off.
It’s the 66th Newberry Watermelon Festival on May 21st. Here I come.
Ecks
@Caravelle: Agriculture would go under the heading “animal husbandry” I’m afraid. They may be thick as a ballistic-missile-submarine-sized bundle of short planks, but they wouldn’t dream of doing anything that would get in the way of corporate interests, and agriculture is FULL of corporate interests.
Caravelle
@Susan Kitchens:
To be fair, while ants do outnumber us by a few trillions of individuals and at the very least match us by mass, we are a single species and ants aren’t. It’s still unlikely we outnumber every single species of ant by population (take Argentine ants, for example) but surely we outmass them. And if we outmass every species of ants, we outmass any species of everything else.
Ecks
@Viva BrisVegas: I would just hate for that trip to spring a leek.
/feels dirty now
Caravelle
Wow, I hadn’t seen that bit about “every living dumb creature” ! My first reaction was to realize this includes plants, but then I realized that maybe “creature” excludes them.
In which case I have to be impressed by a legislature that would take a well-understood and well-defined scientific term, and define it in terms of the vaguest and most ill-defined word one could come up with. Or does “creature” have some legal meaning I’m unaware of ?
asiangrrlMN
@Tom Levenson: Snicker. For the win. This whole thread is full of win. Lemme think…Florida…yeah, I’m good. Only been there twice. Did not have the sexxor either time.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@cmorenc:
fine and dandy, but suppose you are passing the stables and just wanna nag? does it say anything about animal wifery?
scav
@Caravelle: These people insist reality bend to their will and History reflect their inclination. We’ve seen what they do to Logic and Mathematics. What hope has mere Language against them?
Valdivia
@Viva BrisVegas:
But the world ends that day, or is that why you’ll be there? ;)
Yutsano
@asiangrrlMN: Once was enough for me. I have zero desire to return. Even if I didn’t get to see as much of Disney World as I wanted.
Hi hon. Meet me upstairs?
asiangrrlMN
@Yutsano: Yeah. I didn’t like it. I hate the heat. I’ll be there with bells on.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
i am going to disagree with the interpretation of most folks here, although the semicolon is awkward, the way i read this law, only married persons, and married animals, are prevented from having intraspousal relations.
this is based on what i believe to be a common understanding of what it means to provide an effective date. human, or interspecies.
wmd
Gotta think the veterinary exemption is for artificial insemination of cows and horses. Both the insemination and the collecting of semen for that purpose could be construed as bestiality oterwise.
Roger Moore
@Caravelle:
Don’t count on it. The world cow population is apparently about 1/5 of the human population. Given that the average cow is more than 5 times heavier than the average human, that would give Bos taurus the edge in biomass over Homo sapiens.
Triassic Sands
@scav:
I don’t think there is anything in the Florida law that will prevent corporations from fucking animals. And if anyone raises the issue, Scalia, Roberts, Kennedy, Thomas, and Father Alito (acknowledging his role on the court as the Pope’s representative) will undoubtedly step in and grant that right in perpetuity.
Jess
How gullible are you.
Type the phrase you think exists in common legal usage which specifies what vets can perform surgery on. Yeah, that’s right.
Jebediah
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
If by “relief” you mean “unpleasant realization,” then yes.
alwhite
@Roger Moore:
There is a guy in Wisconsin that will be moving to FLA as soon as he is done serving his sentence for hoping on a dead deer carcase.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/judge-rules-dead-deer-sex
Ash Can
I’d like to ask the politicians in Florida just what the shit is going on in their state that they feel compelled to pass laws like this one.
MikeBoyScout
Good News for Rick “SANTORUM” Santorum!
John M
This is some really weak legal “analysis,” ABL. Yes, the definition of animal as a “living dumb creature” is arcane, but it’s well-settled under Florida law that this term does not include humans. “Animal is defined as ‘every living dumb creature.’ s 828.02, Fla.Stat. (1979). This definition excludes human beings from the commonly understood definition of animals. People of common intelligence are able to discern what are and are not animals.” Wilkerson v. State, 401 So. 2d 1110, 1112 (Fla. 1981). It took me two minutes on Westlaw to find this case.
I can understand a layperson not understanding the need to resort to case law on such an issue, but you are doing a disservice to your readers with this sloppy nonsense.
Triassic Sands
At least dogs will be able to breathe a sigh of relieve when Rick Santorum is around.
Xenos
@John M: You could have saved yourself the Westlaw fees by reading to the end of ABL’s post, you poor, dumb creature.
Edit – if you really knew how to do it you could have gotten the text of the statute, last amended in 1986, on google, instead of paying westlaw to give you a case from 1981 which relies on possibly superseded text. Also, too.
John M
Flat fee structure, thanks. And I read to the end of the post, where ABL concluded: “Now whether the law was simply unfortunately worded, or whether the Florida Senate is chock full of creationists who thinks God plopped us on earth 6,000 years ago, it is plain that there are some serious shenanigans afoot in Florida.” No, not really. If, as is well-established under Florida law, “animal” is read as “non-human animal,” then there is nothing unfortunate or stupid about the wording.
Xecky Gilchrist
I just can’t believe an entire BJ thread has gone by with nobody writing “feature not a bug.”
Paul in KY
@Sarah Proud and Tall: I think Newt’s current wife qualifies under the ‘space alien’ catagory.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@John M:
what about reznor v. downward spiral?
trixie larue
I just want to say thank you to whoever turned down the federal money Florida was to get for high speed rail transit because now it goes to the northeast corridor.
Thank you very much. I feel they have been taken advantage of, but it was probably just that their time was so taken up with this crazy law.
Anyway, northeast commuters are grateful for your dumbness.
Aunt Moe
@Gin & Tonic: You can’t fuck Exxon/Mobil, but they can indeed fuck you. That’s the law.
Aaron Worthing
I get it! Genocide jokes are funny!
Anyway, the aggressive ignorance and regional prejudice on display is all demonstrated, here.
The short version is this. In science a human is an animal. But as a matter of law, humans are not animals. The Fl Legislature did nothing stupid in passing this law as written and if you guys didn’t have such a desire to bash them, you would have recognized that.