Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

Bark louder, little dog.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

Never entrust democracy to any process that requires republicans to act in good faith.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

Battle won, war still ongoing.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

Happy indictment week to all who celebrate!

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

“woke” is the new caravan.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Rapture

Reader Interactions

98Comments

  1. 1.

    Hawes

    Does Thriller count for the zombie apocalypse?

    And of course the Celine Dion oeuvre made me wish the world was ending.

  2. 2.

    gex

    Bleg here reposted from another thread:

    My friend is trying to win some supplies for their school. It’s a worthy effort because this is a dual language school, teaching extremely white Lutheran Minnesotans all their courses in Spanish.

    A vote for Richfield Dual Language school will create a bunch of multilingual Americans to annoy the right with.

    http://www.sodahead.com/fun/vote-for-your-favorite-school/question-1803629/

    Thanks in advance for any votes you throw our way.

  3. 3.

    Bobby Thomson

    I’ll be finger fucking for the rest of the day, because tomorrow is the end of the world as we know it.

    My goals are to find a cure for irony and make a fool out of God.

  4. 4.

    dpCapt

    Except tomorrow is already today in some parts of the world. Has anything happened yet?

  5. 5.

    El Tiburon

    Should we not be in favor of the Rapture? Doesn’t this mean all the goody-goody types will be magically lifted and taken away? That would leave just us atheists, fornicators, pagans and lezbos!!

    Yum yum gitcha sum!

  6. 6.

    wobblybits

    @gex: Commented in the original thread but i voted and posted it to my Orkut and FB accounts. Boa Sorte to the school!

  9. 9.

    gex

    @gex: Oh, and in case it isn’t apparent, the reason for the dual language school is noble, it isn’t only to piss of conservatives. That’s just a bonus. Very unlike burning $70 of gas in your SUV on Earth Day.

  19. 19.

    Chris

    It seems like the 80’s was a key decade in end-times music

    I can’t imagine why.

  20. 20.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    On my way to work this morning the marquee outside the Baptist Church read:

    “Coming soon, live and in person – Jesus Christ”

    it looks like its congregations homes are the first places that I should start looting. Yippee!

  21. 21.

    Dave

    The best part of the Rapture is that it will solve pretty much every problem we have. Unemployment, oil scarcity, water availability, food supply…this is win-win.

  28. 28.

    imonlylurking

    I’m at work so I can’t post the link, but:

    Go to youtube
    Look up ‘songs to wear pants to’
    Select “Zombie Ninjas”

  34. 34.

    alwhite

    As something of a ‘jail house lawyer’ on things biblical I’d like to point out that, according to Revelations, there ain’t that many people gonna fly away at the Rapture.

    Depending on which biblical scholar you believe the total number of people will either be 144 or 144,000 (12 being a magical number in the Bible so 12 12’s is super magical). Those people will become the princes ruling earth after the return.

    Given that there are currently 6+ billion alive on Earth if He only decides to chose from the living & 144k is correct your odds are 24 in a million. But you have to assume He would select some number of already dead in this cadre so your odds would be something south of half of that. Your chance of hitting the lotto is much better if 144 (the actual number mentioned) is correct.

    But you morons keep sending money in to these charlatans, they’ll be back with a new date shortly.

  35. 35.

    alwhite

    By “you morons” I do want to note I was excluding BJ readers. Even the ‘worst’ of us is not that silly.

  36. 36.

    stuckinred

    Damn, the world is coming to an end. I just found a round trip flight from ATL to Chicago for $128 round trip!

  37. 37.

    JGabriel

    You know, it’s not just America, or English speakers, that’ll be wiped out by the rapture. I think we should hear from the Krauts too: 99 Luftballoons.

  40. 40.

    gex

    Highway to Hell by AC/DC wouldn’t be appropriate for the raptured, but the rest of us can party to it when we’re left behind.

  45. 45.

    gex

    There’s a Nada Surf song with the lyric: “Aw fuck it. I’m going to have a party.” I’ll be listening to that, I think. And having that party too.

  49. 49.

    JGabriel

    @stuckinred:

    Damn, the world is coming to an end. I just found a round trip flight from ATL to Chicago for $128 round trip!

    Damn, the world is gonna end just when I found myself a Penthouse model with 160 IQ and a free supply of cocaine.

  54. 54.

    Biff Longbotham

    AAHHHH!!!! In the Blondie video a GOAT appears at 3:16. Yet annother sign of the impending apocalypse!!

  60. 60.

    arguingwithsignposts

    @alwhite:

    Depending on which biblical scholar you believe the total number of people will either be 144 or 144,000 (12 being a magical number in the Bible so 12 12’s is super magical). Those people will become the princes ruling earth after the return.

    alwhite, aren’t those just the Jews who will be rescued? Also, that doesn’t account for all the “dead in christ” who will rise. IIRC, that hambone radio preacher said something like 200 million people will be gone tomorrow.

  61. 61.

    eric

    Alwhite…I am in court on bberry so targetted googling not possible, but – thought the 144000 number was the number of jews/israelites that get to join the Rapture.

  62. 62.

    JGabriel

    Gosh, I feel like one of those dead-enders who are mocking the TRUE HEROES in a movie right before disaster arrives.

    On the other hand, if 200 million fundies disappear tomorrow, I still won’t know whether to be scared or relieved.

    .

  64. 64.

    gex

    @WaterGirl: We were at 230 last night, 4% of the total vote, and now we’re at 10% so hopefully we can close the gap. This is why I brought this bleg to the Juicers…

    And thank you for your vote!

  65. 65.

    gex

    According to BBC, Mr. Camping predicted the rapture once before. In 1994.

    I think “the rapture” is code for “Newt Gingrich will be on TV way too much.”

  66. 66.

    Viva BrisVegas

    tomorrow is the end of the world as we know it.

    Here in Oz it’s already the 21st, and nothing has happened yet. It’s all a load of malarky. As if we’d really suddenly disappear in mid sen

  67. 67.

    rm

    The eighties, apocalyptic songs, and no one has yet mentioned Prince’s “1999”?? Is there a standard of taste or something?

  71. 71.

    Origuy

    As if we’d really suddenly disappear in mid sen

    How did the Submit button get pressed?

    NO CARRIER

  72. 72.

    Ghanima Atreides

    @Biff Longbotham: the tall black guy in tails at the beginning is a representation of Baron Samedi the head guy in the voodoo pantheon.
    In voodoo hougans and bokors could make zombies.

  73. 73.

    David Brooks (not that one) is a dickhead.

    No, this is serious. If all the truly good people are raptured tomorrow – John Boehner will become President. Third in line, remember?

    We’re doooooomed!

  74. 74.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @alwhite:

    Other biblical scholars point out the entire rapture magilla is heresy.

    They have the advantage of being able to look back at an entire series of “Judgement Days” that failed to deliver.

  75. 75.

    eemom

    you know, maybe we ought to hold off snickering about the rapture until Sunday.

    Cuz we’re all gonna look pretty stoopid if it actually does happen tomorrow.

    Jussayinzall.

  76. 76.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @JGabriel:

    Damn, the world is gonna end just when I found myself a Penthouse model with 160 IQ and a free supply of cocaine.

    Those are two of the key triggering mechanisms.

    Throw in a sunny day at the beach, and it’s curtains.

  78. 78.

    JenJen

    It seems like the 80’s was a key decade in end-times music, but perhaps you have some other suggestions in this open thread.

    Totally. But maybe I’m the only one who remembers the apocalyptic Ultravox classic, “Dancing With Tears In My Eyes.” The Cold War and the nuclear age really did a number on art, didn’t it?

  80. 80.

    eemom

    @Bruuuuce:

    awesome!

    Y’all folks who are too young to remember that song gotta check it out. It’s brilliant.

    They ought to play that in high school sex ed classes instead of preaching about abstinence. The number of teen pregnancies would plummet.

  81. 81.

    Jager

    “I’ll be finger fucking for the rest of the day”

    Is it just me or has the definition of “finger fucking” changed?

    If it hasn’t, reveal her identity! In any case, she must be a terrific girl to crawl into a broken down bed with you, two dogs and a really fat cat and let you digitize her all fucking day! Trust me John, after about 15 minutes, you’ll both be bored. If your encounter becomes more active chances are the pets will un-ass the bed and leave you two alone. You may get a cold nose in your ass before they bail and keep your “thing” out of Tunch’s reach! Have a great day!

  86. 86.

    redshirt

    I’m hoping it really happens, just like Camping says it will. In one fell swoop, we’ll lose most of our “27%ers”, and then we can truly work constructively on bringing peace on earth.

    It will be the end of the Wingnuts, and that will be just fine.

  92. 92.

    JenJen

    Ooooh!! I just thought of a word to describe the end-of-the-world 80’s music genre:

    “Apopalyptic”

    OK. That’s really all I’ve got today.

  93. 93.

    Tim

    The rapture will not happen this Saturday because it has already happened. I’m one of the few who saw it. The rapture happened on May 20 (Eliza Doolittle day) in 1952.

    I was not quite 5 years old at the time and was in Sammy’s drug store with my father. There was a young man in the store. He was tall, with dark hair, and was wearing one of those jackets with the dragon on the back that Korean war veterans were bringing back, which was what caught my attention. He had just brushed his index finger under his nose when he disappeared. I asked my dad where he went, but he hadn’t noticed the man. I looked around, but he was no longer in the store.

    I’ve wondered about that for many years and a few years ago started asking questions and checking around. Information was hard to find because many of the witnesses were dead by the time I started inquiring fifty years later. It was the rapture, and it was tiny, maybe 20 or 25 people in the whole country. Not many people had seen it. I was the sole witness in St. Joseph and saw the only person raptured in the entire state of Missouri (there were, of course, none at all in Kansas). Nonetheless, I did find people who had had experiences similar to my own. The rapture went largely unnoticed and of course all the people who would have expected to be raptured weren’t. We’re on our own now, and have been for nearly sixty years, but honestly, I can’t tell any difference.

  97. 97.

    alwhite

    @arguingwithsignposts:
    @eric:

    Boy, thats a new take I have not come across before. How could any Jews be taken up when they do not accept Christ as the son of God? And, since they are to be the princes that lead the world why would He pick Jews?

    OTOH 200million is a number directly from that guys posterior.

  98. 98.

    Nick

    understand that the SON does not know the exact date on which the following prophesy will occur—”only the FATHER”. so, anyone who claims to know the exact date has been misled.

    yes, HE will come to snatch up all who are “in CHRIST”, but first all who have passed away. “After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the LORD in the air. And so we will be with the LORD forever.”(1Th 4:16-17 NIV)

    so that you will not be misled today, study the Bible today.(Mat 24:36; Mar 13:32)

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