Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Never give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.

The rest of the comments were smacking Boebert like she was a piñata.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

The republican ‘Pastor’ of the House is an odious authoritarian little creep.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

No Kings: Americans standing in the way of bad history saying “Oh, Fuck No!”

Good lord, these people are nuts.

An almost top 10,000 blog!

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

That meeting sounds like a shotgun wedding between a shitshow and a clusterfuck.

Every one of the “Roberts Six” lied to get on the court.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

If America since Jan 2025 hasn’t broken your heart, you haven’t loved her enough.

The National Guard is not Batman.

This year has been the longest three days of putin’s life.

Republicans want to make it harder to vote and easier for them to cheat.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

Let the trolls come, and then ignore them. that’s the worst thing you can do to a troll.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Open thread – The Convent Annual Fair and what happened there

Open thread – The Convent Annual Fair and what happened there

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Happy Days!

My dears, this story, being a religious story, is almost certainly not suitable for children – unless, of course, you have the sort of troublesome child who could stand, every now and then, to read a few well placed words about the wrathful vengeance of God (or Gods, depending on your preference).

The other day, I referred to an incident involving Chris Christie and Ann Coulter, but fobbed you all off in favor of cake. However, I am not one to ever renege on my promises, explicit or implied, and so I will sit down to tell you the story. I do warn you – it is a long, dark and convoluted tale which contains scenes of a most distressing nature, and which I suspect will be told with every sign of relish and conspicuous attention to detail. Some of this is very serious, but there may be the occasional bit of whimsy and a little sprinkle of mucus to lighten the mood.

That’s religion for you.

Those of you of a weak or panty-waisted nature and those who complain about any story longer than 140 characters (but I repeat myself) should get out now. Off you fuck.

If you are still with me, check the bedrooms to make sure no one has kidnapped your kiddies in the last ten minutes, pour yourself a drink and sit yourself down in your comfortable chair, and I will tell you all about the 2010 Annual Fair at the Convent of St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen in Spokane.

The Convent of St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen, as any local will tell you, usually in words of less than two syllables, is the Chapter House of the Little Brown Sisters of the Gaping Maw. The Sisters are a mendicant order and, every day, be it frostily gloaming or nice and sunny, they sally forth from the Convent into the steep, narrow, and crooked streets of Spokane. There they devote themselves to doing all kinds of good and giving works among the degraded population of this impoverished area of Washington state.

The Convent is a towering, gambrel-roofed thing, walled off from the world, a curiously joyless collection of spires and tiny windows that looks as if it has a permanent grudge. Just imagine Dick Cheney in building form and you’re pretty close. It nestles into the edge of the Spokane River, somewhere on the outskirts of town among a number of the crumbling, worm-eaten factories that litter the waterfront, factories abandoned since the joint FDA/CDC raids back in 2007-8, and only now beginning to show signs of a sluggishly revived existence.

The river is quite close to the Convent, its water lapping sleepily at the shore and at the low black reef near the edge of the river and sometimes, at night, at the bricks at the base of the Chapel wall, there beneath the Sisters’ sleeping cells.

The Annual Fair, or Annual Fête as it used to be known before Americans unanimously decided that foreign words were scary in about 2001 and we had to change it, is the Sisters’ major fundraising event, and often quite entertaining. It is always frightfully British, you see, which takes me back to my childhood (only without the emotionally-crippled mother and the twice-monthly early -morning bedroom visits from Mr Snuggles).

There’s always a Tilt-A-Whirl, often manned by a gap-toothed adonis in a torn undershirt with gold-dusted abdominals and taste for frottage. There are donkey rides and cake stalls and even a coconut shy, although I have always thought the coconut shy to be the worst thing at a fair because if you win you get a fucking coconut. The Sisters sell vegetable produce and jams and fake relics of St Fidelis that they have made, and my friend Jane Robinson always dresses up in a turban and charges $2 for Protestant Palm Readings – she just tells everyone they are going to hell. There are sack-races and egg-and-spoon races, and if you sneak around the back of the Refreshments stall, you can smoke the finest Afghanistani opium sold by dark and furtive houris who speak only the tongue of the blue-eyed fishers. $76 for two hours of transitory cosmic enlightenment is quite a good deal really.

2010 was the centenary of the foundation of the Convent of the Little Brown Sisters by Father Brigham Howard on April 30, 1910. Brigham was my great-uncle, and the black sheep of the family, sent away from Cambridge years before I was born on account of his nefarious and unspoken-of deeds. He had arrived in Spokane in 1909, a thirty-something blond-haired charmer with a contagious smile and a heavy hand with the Blood of Christ, at the head of a group of 15 stunning, curvaceous and quite fervently religious young Catholic nuns. Within a few months, Brigham had purchased land and been elected as a County Commissioner, and construction of the Convent was well underway. Brigham was very active in Spokane life, and many people came to listen to him preach and or to deliver brown paper bags to the Commissioner’s office. However, the Sisters were rarely seen. They lived as an almost entirely monastic order, spending every day in service to their god. Brigham himself, I am told, seemed to grow old very quickly after his sixtieth birthday, his body breaking down within weeks as he retreated more and more into the Convent. He was, of course, buried in the chapel.

Early one spring morning, soon after Brigham had died, all of the nuns came out of the gates of the convent. There were 24 of them by this time, Brigham having actively recruited from within the more more buxom-and-brunette section of the local population. They were all still beautiful, although among the original 15 there were some about whom it might be said that there was a hint of something sullen and almost piscine around the gills, an extra little girdle of fat around the middle, that taken together made one think of wallowing or, perhaps, of eyes peeping above the surface of a waterhole.

The Sisters each wore a simple white dress, each carried a basket, packed with vegetables and the flat-eyed, white fish they had caught in the river the evening before. Each Sister knocked on a door, at a factory or a house, introduced themselves and proffered gifts appropriate to the particular resident, as they have every morning since.

You can imagine that the Fair (yes, I’m getting back to the Fair – I told you there would be conspicuous attention to detail) is therefore quite an important part of the Spokane social calendar, and for the Centenary, the Sisters had pulled out all the stops, inviting all sorts of special guests.

Late in the day, I was walking through the Fair with Sister Bertram and Ann Coulter – Ann and I are old friends, although I do get tired of her constant whinging about how no one “gets her as parody”. What can I say? Ann is a good looking woman with a taste for the wrinklies and sometimes Grammy likes a hate-fuck. I don’t let her talk.

Sister Bertram is the Mother Superior of the convent, although she transferred here only recently from the Arkham convent. I don’t dare to tell her, but she smells a bit like a lobster. A raw lobster, of course – I wouldn’t mind if she smelled like bisque. I have always been a little suspicious of her – there is something unblinking to her eyes that I find most disconcerting.

The Fair had been a success. The Archbishop had managed to make his opening ceremony speech without calling anyone a whore, Pastor Huckabee had been dunked into the three-throws-for-10-dollars slime pit dunking machine at least fifteen times during his half an hour shift, Condoleezza Rice had broken her ankle in the greasy-pig chase, and several youngsters were copulating frantically in the shadow of the chapel after eating one of Grammy’s special strawberry and cream cakes. All that was left was the special closing event in the chapel and later, if all went well, the ceremonial stoning of the adulteresses in the parking lot of the next-door Seven Eleven.

Over to our left, the carny was enticing Chris Christie onto the Tilt-A-Whirl for “just one spin”, even though the ride was deserted and dusk had already begun to trickle into the spaces between the tents. Christie was clearly unwilling, but there was a photographer nearby and so he gingerly shoehorned himself into the tiny seat. The carny swung down the retaining bar and then, the bar not clicking into place, bodily reached into the car, lifted up an armful of Chris, popped the bar under and let all that stomach flop down again. The carny walked over to start the ride and pressed the start button, giving me a huge wink as he did. I rolled my eyes at him. As we continued on towards the chapel, I could see the light from the setting sun strike Christie each time he was whirled around, feel an odd, electrical burr in the ground below my feet, a vibration that seemed to increase slightly as the ride began to spin faster.

We were almost the last to arrive. The nuns were all seated in a semi-circle around the chancel, around the glittering black stone tablet that covered the corpse of Brigham Howard, with all the townspeople gathered behind them in their pews. Sister Bertram nodded to us and went over to stand before the grave. Pastor Huckabee and Ms Rice were seated on a row of chairs in front of the altar along with various local dignitaries. As Ann and I came in, the Pastor gestured to the seat next to him. I shook hands with him and murmured some pleasantry as I sat.

Sister Bertram voiced, at length, her thanks to everyone for the successful day. She was scrabbling in the pocket at the front of her dress, and as she spoke she drew out a little black statue, no bigger than her hand. It was human in shape, but where it glittered in the red sunlight streaming through the barred windows of the chapel we could all see the curve of its long head, the rubberiness of the knots of thick, ropy stuff that curved out from its jaw. The thought that it looked like a Cher action-figure rushed into my head, but I quickly dispelled it.

I had seen the like of the statue only once before – in Egypt during the war, clutched in Hermann Göring’s fat sweaty hand as he boarded a plane for Berlin which had I arrived far too late to stop.

Now Sister Bertram had ceased waving it in the air. She knelt and placed it on Brigham’s grave and it made a sharp metallic click as the two stones touched.

I looked at Huckabee with an expression of alarm on my face. He peered at me vaguely as I made frantic signals with my eyebrows towards a heavy gold candlestick that was sitting on the floor near his foot. I was distracted then by a high pitched cry of fear coming in to the chapel from outside, the sound dopplering each time the Governor was whisked past the door. At the same time, that electric buzz seemed to ratchet up a peg and spread to the air, making the chairs vibrate and my false teeth ache.

A young sister, her eyes now a gimlet green and staring lidlessly, her lips slack and drooling – a little like Peggy Noonan first thing in the morning – handed Sister Bertram a book. I could see it was the hideous Necronomicon of the mad Arab Obama Alhazred, the edition published in the eighteenth century by Carolus Steinberg – the one with the fold out diagrams and the pop up orgy scenes where you can twiddle a paper knob and make the devil rut harder or the eyeballs pop out of the sinners’ skulls. Sister Bertram began to read.

Then I felt something press against my leg. I looked down and, thankfully, it was the candlestick. I clasped it firmly and nodded thanks to Huckabee. For a moment I simply held my breath and waited. Eternities seemed to elapse. As Sister Bertram read, some of the members of the crowd began to stand up and call out as a nauseous fishy odour mounted over the room.

Sister Bertram slammed the book shut and cried out, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

While she was still wiping the spittle off her forehead, Huckabee leapt to his feet, shouting, “Hold there, you monstrous strumpet of hell”. He started to advance on Sister Bertram, but found himself swung around from behind, one arm and then the other clamped in two hellish grips. He gazed into the dead eyes of Ann Coulter and Condoleezza Rice. Both were suddenly bloated and green, their skin mottled and flaking. It was just like the paintings they both keep in their attics had been simultaneously seized and stabbed right up from top to bottom.

Huckabee spluttered at them, “What are you doing, you vile harridans?”

When they spoke, one into each of his ears, their voices were as one voice, low and dark and sultry, and echoes struck off the walls like drips of dark water.

“The dark moon Yuggoth is in alignment with the earth. In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. You will couple with us both, and the Old Gods will arise.”

Huckabee looked frightened then. He let out a whimper that bounced from wall to wall, mingling with the choked wails that still filtered through the chapel door from outside.

It was time for me to do something. I stepped forward, the look of fear again on my face, but with the candlestick brandished in one hand. A look of relief flashed over Huckabee’s features and he struggled and managed to break his arm away from Ann Coulter for a second. His expression didn’t have time to change to one of surprise before I whopped him on his stupid fat skull with the candlestick and he slumped to the ground, bleeding from his temple.

Good heavens dears, is that the time? I’ve been invited to a late supper with George Clooney and I do want to get there before he bogarts all the coke. Besides, you should all be in bed by now, happily procreating for when god comes with his terrible hunger.

I’ll have to finish this story later, I am afraid. Is next Saturday night good for you?

This is your open thread. Feel free to chat.

[Cross posted at Sarah, Proud and Tall.]

Reader Interactions

287Comments

  4. 4.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @gbear:

    So you don’t read any story longer than about two pages, dear? I do feel sorry for you.

    ETA: And in case you missed it the first time:

    Those of you of a weak or panty-waisted nature and those who complain about any story longer than 140 characters (but I repeat myself) should get out now. Off you fuck.

  7. 7.

    LesGS

    O_o … as my kids would say. It doesn’t help (or maybe it does) that I’ve been listening to podcasts of H.P. Lovecraft with them all week. (See! Not all homeschoolers are weird religious freaks.)

    And next Saturday is fine by me!

  8. 8.

    asiangrrlMN

    Oh, Ms. Sarah. I adore you, and this story has you back in fine form. I can’t wait until next Saturday to hear how this ends and what happens to Governor Christie. Don’t be too naughty before then! Or, if you are, make sure you get video.

  9. 9.

    Mike in NC

    @Jenny:

    Romney wants to expand the size of the military by “at least 100,000”? Is he nuts? Well, what else to expect from “Double Gitmo” Mittens?

  10. 10.

    Ked

    @Phyllis: “Off you fuck” may be the best thing that I’ve seen pop out of the Tubes since OBL got his.

    I have no opinion on the further story since I refuse to understand it.

  18. 18.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Nope, ranchward bound. And I may or may not have a place to sleep tonight yet, which is even more teh awesome. But my brother works in a hotel and I may have him pull me in a favor here if that’s the case.

    And Lexie and I are mutually pissed off at each other right now. But in my defense she started it.

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: I enjoy slow-moving train wrecks as much as any human hon. But honestly this one needs more cowbell. I’m already bored.

  23. 23.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: It was piss her off now or pis her off later. I went with the immediate effect since the pissed off because I abandoned her is always worse. Lesser of two evils. I do not regret my decision.

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Hee. Mine just morphed. But I just explained why that is. Is this about to get even more entertaining? Popcorn can always be made. Hell I’ll even do it the old-fashioned way.

  24. 24.

    Fred

    One of the top 5 Al Qaeda commanders was killed today in Pakistan by a US Missile.

    Why no frothing at the mouth posts by John Galt Cole saying we must stop all war everywhere now and THIS is why?! Why has nobody here posted about this with the same usual frothing and spittle demanding all wars everwhere are ended immediately forever and we turn all Nuclear silo’s into gardens.

    Why why why?

    abcnews.go.com/International/al-qaeda-terrorist-ilyas-kashmiri-reported-killed-us/story?id=13762834

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Bullshit. I for one am more than tired of this power disparity.
    If you’re going to FP here you should be ready to take some shit and keep your pie hole fucking shut about things only you can see.
    Either blast us or ignore us. Don’t high and mighty us.

  28. 28.

    BDeevDad

    More of this PLEASE!

    Instead of Bank of America foreclosing on some Florida homeowner, the homeowners had sheriff’s deputies foreclose on the bank.

  29. 29.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Corner Stone:

    Honey, if “Lurlene” had made any effort to argue with me, or engage substantively, I would give a shit, but instead, she just comes in, whines once about how she hates my shit, and then doesn’t respond any further.

    I’m quite happy to have a rip-roaring argument with you, and would probably enjoy it very much, because you like to argue, you say what you think and you engage.

    Lurlene is a troll, and not even a very interesting troll.

  30. 30.

    eemom

    I luvs you too, Mrs. Sarah. Your dexterity with the written word brings joy to my old English major heart.

    I do hope an evil destiny awaits Governor Fat Fuck in next week’s installment.

    oh, and don’t mind “Lurleen.” I think Corner Stone got bored with chasing Nicks and made himself a sock puppet of his very own.

  31. 31.

    Lurleen

    Reading a blog and commenting negatively constitutes stalking what?

    Perhaps you have never actually had that happen to you. Perhaps you have. Either way, it’s not really something to joke about. You probably make rape jokes about prison inmates as well.

    Pretending anything after Ruth Marcus’ pretend dialog in the MSM is weak.

    But carry on and enjoy yourselves.

  32. 32.

    eemom

    ah, there’s the little devil now.

    ETA: oh, and I see he’s in one of his “why the fuck is SHE a front pager and not me?” jealous hissy fits tonight. Sweeeeet.

  35. 35.

    Yutsano

    @Corner Stone:

    If you’re going to FP here you should be ready to take some shit and keep your pie hole fucking shut about things only you can see.

    And your ability to enforce this…a sternly worded e-mail to John? In case it wasn’t made clear to you, in the past several front pagers have mentioned this ability. This is not unique to her. But if your bloviation makes you feel better by all means feel free to continue.

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Vancouver is about 120 miles north of me, or about 200 kilometers in Canuckistani. Nothing would thrill me more than to go and party if they get Lord Stanley’s tableware.

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I confess. It’s me. I got bored and your reactions were just too fun.

  37. 37.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Lurleen:

    No. Reading a blog, dumping shit on people’s posts and then fucking off constitutes trolling. If you don’t like what I write then say something worthwhile, not just this lame crap you pull in every one of my posts.

  44. 44.

    Draylon Hogg

    @Fred

    I don’t think it takes much to be in Al Queda’s top 5. In fact, if you’re male and your corpse is still recognizable as human once the U.S. ordinance has had its wicked way with you, you’re almost guaranteed to be Al Queda’s number two in Somalia / Pakistan / Yemmen / delete as applicable.

  46. 46.

    Lurleen

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Your style is old and has already been done by a man who is now dead. I can’t believe that Cole has asked a shadow of the original to post here, but he has.

    Your posts are weak, sister.

  48. 48.

    Corner Stone

    @Yutsano: This just doesn’t sound right. Shouldn’t you have used “puppeh” or “kitteh” or “lulz” or some other handy nomenclature?

  50. 50.

    eemom

    @Lurleen:

    lissen, do us all a favor and go wander amongst the dispossessed some more. They’re looking for a few good trolls.

  51. 51.

    MikeJ

    @Mike in NC:

    Romney wants to expand the size of the military by “at least 100,000”?

    I would be fascinated to hear the thought behind that particular number.

    Unless it’s “it’s a big round number”. Which is what I suspect.

  52. 52.

    Corner Stone

    @Fred: Dude, I recently refused to pay full price for my insurance.
    I’m pretty sure that makes me an AQ #6 man or so.

  54. 54.

    Lurleen

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: And it leads you where, SAP? Fort Lauderdale? I’m not there, sweetie.

    You just pulled a rookie mistake.

    Let’s make a deal. When you post something original, I’ll give you a break and tell you where I really am.

  56. 56.

    Svensker

    No sense fashing yourself over any of this nonsense. I’m just happy listening to the Staple Singers singing He’s All Right, or just about anything. Yup. Uh huh. That’s it.

  58. 58.

    eemom

    yay! Fred and fuckie and Corned Beef ALL here! Now if Tiny Tim would just show up we could really have ourselves a par-tay.

  60. 60.

    Corner Stone

    @eemom: I would love it if Lil Timmy, I showed up.
    Of course, I’m still waiting for Lil Bob L0b. But I think ABL killed that fucker dead.
    She’s kind of a jackass thataway.

  66. 66.

    Lurleen

    This is it for Saturday night? Some unattributed retread and drinking obfuscation of stalking commenting?

    Nice.

  67. 67.

    Fred

    @Draylon Hogg: If so much as a firecracker goes off in Afghanistan, John Galt Cole is on here whining that all wars must end now forever and ever.

    Killing the guy responsible for Mumbai and a lot of other things is hardly something you will get away trying to discredit the importance of.

  68. 68.

    eemom

    @Corner Stone:

    must admit I kind of regret losing Lob Bowow. Bouts of assholery aside, he did have his moments.

    ‘Sides, being a Greek and a Turk, we had that cool ancient enemy thing going for us.

  69. 69.

    jayjaybear

    I honestly don’t understand, first of all, how anyone can get so incensed about Sarah. (I also don’t understand how anyone can’t love her posts, but that’s a matter of taste and de gustibus blah blah blah).

    Jesus Christ…if you don’t like her posts, don’t fucking read them. Coming in and sniping ineffectually at her for them is petty, small and really annoying. Stop it.

  71. 71.

    Corner Stone

    @eemom: He was totes hot for you. I could tell.
    Y’all had that greasy brown/not brown sweaty sex bidness going on.
    It disgusted the rest of us, but it was there nonetheless.

  72. 72.

    Lurleen

    @jayjaybear: So if I think they are crap I should just shut up? Is that what you are saying? And if I do decide to express my opinion and am called a stalker, I am just supposed to take it?

    Is that your point?

  74. 74.

    JR

    I don’t know if my favorite part was the new Abess from Arkham or Condi and Ann trying to get Hucky Hardee.

    Best of luck, gurls!

    And who cares about trolls at Caturday night? Moire Gin for me!

  76. 76.

    Tim, Interrupted

    @Lurleen:

    Your style is old and has already been done by a man who is now dead. I can’t believe that Cole has asked a shadow of the original to post here, but he has.

    Lurleen, I’m curious as to whom you believe SPT is copying. Her style rings a bell but I haven’t put my finger on why.

  78. 78.

    stuckinred

    It’ll probably annoy corner but what the hell. At 3:02 in Learning to Fly, a Petty video about acid, there is a quick clip of Kennedy right after he was shot. From everything I have been able to learn it was inserted randomly. It’s interesting to me because it was the first time I dropped acid and it was 43 years ago tomorrow.

  79. 79.

    jayjaybear

    @Lurleen: My point is, if you aren’t smart enough to get the damn joke, then maybe you aren’t in a position to critique it. And if you do get it and you’re just seriously humor-impaired, you have my pity, but that pity doesn’t include not telling you to shut the fuck up about your deficiency.

  83. 83.

    Lurleen

    @Tim, Interrupted: Swiftly it took my mind that I was an old lady in an old folks home. I’m just an antiquated voice with a young-ish style. Nothing new here, just something familiar to fill the space when Cole is sleeping.

    That’s all. And it’s a criticism that I get called a stalker for.

    Go figure.

  84. 84.

    Tim, Interrupted

    I just read back thru the thread and saw that eesmarm was hoping I would show up. Here I is!

    Tiny Tim/Little Timmy is in the house!

    (I have heard every fucking diminutive of “Timothy” since the day I was jettisoned from my mother’s aching lady parts. It is my cherished fantasy to hunt every one who has ever used a cliche’d diminutive of my most holy name and…lick them.)

  90. 90.

    stuckinred

    @Cat Lady: Cool! I was at Ft Lewis getting ready to go. We took the bus to Seattle, copped, dropped and got back on the bus. We couldn’t hang in the barracks because it was after lights out so we took a transistor radio into the laundry room and that’s when we heard the news.

  92. 92.

    Tim, Interrupted

    @Lurleen:

    That’s all. And it’s a criticism that I get called a stalker for.

    Well, SP&T is a BFF of eesmarm, and eesmarm is a cranky, vicious, hateful and self loathing old thing who drops accusations of “TROLLING!” as often as she fills her Depends. Think nothing of it; if SP&T has taken up with that crowd there isn’t much to be done.

  95. 95.

    Lurleen

    @Tim, Interrupted: You know, it’s not just her, and that the accusation of stalking is serious.

    But those two and others seem to think it’s ok to throw around.

    Prison rape is funny too, right?

  97. 97.

    Lurleen

    @stuckinred: Have you heard Perfect Circle’s version of that? I can’t even bear to listen to it anymore without thinking of opposing the Iraq war. there are just some songs . . . .

  100. 100.

    Larkspur

    @Lurleen: Why do you care what people here call you? You are still able to post your comments. No one has threatened legal action. People are clearly acknowledging your existence. Why on earth would you care what they call you?

  101. 101.

    stuckinred

    @Lurleen: I’ve never heard of you. Which question, “are you chained to it”? Because if it’s bumming you out why not do something out. This blog is all about peace love and understanding. good night

  103. 103.

    Lurleen

    @Larkspur: Would you like to be called a stalker commenter for just saying what you think on a blog with comments?

    Would you like for me, as an FP, to call you a stalker commenter?

  106. 106.

    Ghanima Atreides

    @Corner Stone: EDK has descended to self parody. He is such an obvious glibertarian it isnt even funnie to snark on him anymore.
    but i will keep trying to get Cole to move the LoOG into the mock column by linking some of his more hilarious posts.

  112. 112.

    Larkspur

    @Lurleen:

    Would you like to be called a stalker commenter for just saying what you think on a blog with comments?

    Lurleen, I wouldn’t care.

  118. 118.

    Lurleen

    @Larkspur: You would if it had been you.

    It’s meant to shut you up. You don’t know how you would react until it has been used against you. It was used against me during the worst part of the Iraq war by wingnuts. I still remember.

    I’m one of those old democrats.

  120. 120.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Tim, Interrupted:

    Lurleen, I’m curious as to whom you believe SPT is copying. Her style rings a bell but I haven’t put my finger on why.

    Lurleen is mad because she thinks I’m trying to channel Hunter S. Thompson because sometimes I talk about drugs. I don’t flatter myself that I’m even half the writer that Hunter was.

  121. 121.

    Draylon Hogg

    @67

    Who’s going to kill the bad men who used depleted uranium, white phosphorus and Xtian mercenary firms on innocent civilians then?

  122. 122.

    geg6

    Mmmmmm, I loves me some Sarah P&T. Don’t quite get why the trolls are on the march for her, but she has all the right enemies, so my love for her is only increased. Fat and happy here after chopped salad, filets, sour cream and chive potatoes, orange carrots, and strawberries and chocolate frozen custard. But a good multi-part story featuring Chris Christie and Ann Coulter in compromising situations is always a nice nightcap with my Proseco.

  123. 123.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    @Lurleen:

    I was used against me during the worst part of the Iraq war by wingnuts.

    I can’t even begin to imagine the horror, guilt and shame associated with whatever you were forced to do to yourself.

  124. 124.

    Tim, Interrupted

    @stuckinred:

    but then that means I must just be stupid huh

    haha…no, just seemed some of your word configurations were…more interesting than usual. :D

  126. 126.

    Vixen Strangely

    I know the story is a trifle fantastic, but I prefer to believe every word, darling. Eldritch horrors might be viewed as outre, slightly boring and “done”–but when I look at, for example, Phyllis Schafly, I am reminded that outre, slightly boring and done is the de rigueur day-walking face of the night’s grimmest terrors. I watch what Coulter herself might devolve to after strange aeons have passed with interest. An abyss looking into her might feel full of itself, eventually.

    That being said, your “shiny” has certainly aroused the internet Gollums. They always could not click your link if they preferred not to be regaled with sublime snark. But as the paper of record has it: Comment is Free. And about worth it, sometimes.

  127. 127.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Tim, Interrupted:

    if SP&T has taken up with that crowd there isn’t much to be done.

    I’m in no one’s crowd. I like everyone, and generally refuse to take sides in the spats that go on here constantly.

    Except when Lurleen is involved. That fucker can fuck off.

  129. 129.

    Ghanima Atreides

    @Corner Stone: well im here now!
    And Behold, yet another kind of libertarian for my Unified Field Theory of Libertarianism– the Liberal Libertarian

    I am a liberal libertarian because I am deeply doubtful of top-down approaches to politics, of institutions in general, and of the ability of politics to change the world for the better.

    And Our Very Own EDK is the prototype.
    What a moron.
    I wonder if Jesse Ewiak got banned for saying EDK and his circle jerk of bloggers should all just masturbate together on chat roulette.
    ;)

  133. 133.

    Ghanima Atreides

    ratz. moderation.
    oh well, gimme the link CS and I’ll rage a bit before bed.
    ;)

  139. 139.

    Ghanima Atreides

    @Corner Stone: did you mean this?

    I am a liberal libertarian because I am deeply doubtful

    EDK is a “liberal libertarian” now.
    my goodness, what will he think of next?
    Isnt it disturbing how many permutations of libertarian there are when they all actually mean the same thing?

  140. 140.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Lurleen:

    That’s not who I was talking about.

    Ah, then you must mean that fine Mr Swift. He is (sadly) dead, my dear, so I imagine he won’t mind if I pretend to be someone other than who I am, just like he did.

  143. 143.

    Draylon Hogg

    @76

    It is similar to Alan Moore’s Bertie Wooster meets Lovecraft pastiche in LoEG Black Dossier where Bertie’s Aunt has the spawn of a great old one living on her estate.

  144. 144.

    geg6

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    Seriously? No one other than perhaps Johnny Depp could possibly be a bigger Dr. Gonzo fan than I and I just don’t see any similarities other than using alter egos and absurdities. But then I’m generally not an asshole except when it comes to religion.

  149. 149.

    Southern Beale

    OMG. Just came from a concert a drummer friend of ours invited us to. A group he doesn’t usually play with. It was like Music From The Hearts Of Space with some guy reading passages from the Bible over it and some girl singing off-key behind him and we’re all supposed to “go with the dissonance.”

    That’s 2 hours of my life I won’t get back.

    Jesus it was grueling.

  153. 153.

    Lurleen

    @geg6: Your posts are insults. I know people you are pretending to be. It is offensive.

    No. You are not even a glimmer to the two people who are dead.

    you insult every person’s family and friends.

    You don’t know what it is like to have a loved one in a home. You don’t care that we — us simple people — have family there.

    Go on make your jokes. Make me a stalker.

    Go on.

  159. 159.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Draylon Hogg:

    It is similar to Alan Moore’s Bertie Wooster meets Lovecraft pastiche in LoEG Black Dossier where Bertie’s Aunt has the spawn of a great old one living on her estate.

    You’re right. I’d forgotten about that. Moore was particularly funny in the Black Dossier.

    I seem to recall that Neil Gaiman also did something similar with Lovecraft and Raymond Chandler that was also quite wonderful.

  160. 160.

    Vixen Strangely

    @Draylon Hogg:

    Which I loved! Way better than the Kerouac bit which was both difficult to read because it was too Beat and difficult to read because of the small print. But Moore nailed the Wodehouse style there–and the Lovecraft mash-up worked with the style pretty well for yuks.

    (Says a person who is shameless after Lovecraft tribute fic anyway, and a bit of a Moore fangirl. For LoEG because Steampunk. Mostly.)

  161. 161.

    Larkspur

    @Lurleen: Lurleen, now I am truly concerned about you. Please – back away from the keyboard. Get some sleep. Start again tomorrow. Good night.

  162. 162.

    Comrade Kevin

    “I used to play the field, I used to be a roamer
    But the season’s turning ’round for me now,
    I finally bagged me a Homer!” – Lurleen

  163. 163.

    Lurleen

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: You asserted that you knew someone based on their IP address. I pointed out that is was nonsense. You make that into a sexual reference . . . I don’t know.

  168. 168.

    Lurleen

    And delete is the day! And to think of you all’s uproar over ABL deletes.

    SPNT been there done that. Delete me at will.

  170. 170.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Lurleen:

    You asserted that you knew someone based on their IP address. I pointed out that is was nonsense.

    I merely pointed out that I could tell your IP address was exactly the same as another commenter. Corner Stone rightly pointed out that this was a bit rude, so I withdrew it – you should feel free to sock puppet and troll as much as you wish.

    You don’t like me. I don’t like you.

    Can’t we just fuck now?

  171. 171.

    Corner Stone

    @Lurleen: Hey! Bullshit! Nobody deletes like ABL deletes!
    And I’ll thank you kindly to not impugn her good deleting name here, sir or madam!

  172. 172.

    Bender

    I thought SPT was channeling talking-point regurger and Twinkie-and-green-eye-shadow enthusiast Nancy Skinner. She also talks about drugs, well, she talks while on drugs.

  174. 174.

    Southern Beale

    @Corner Stone:

    Oh I don’t know if his house was on HGTV or not. As far as I know they had only one house.

    He was in Alaska but his kids were home. The nanny got the kids and pets out of the house but it’s a total loss.

  176. 176.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Lurleen:

    And delete is the day! And to think of you all’s uproar over ABL deletes. SPNT been there done that. Delete me at will.

    I have not deleted, and will not ever delete, any comment (other than the virulently sexist, racist or homophobic). If your comment has been deleted, it wasn’t me who did it.

    I also checked the Trash, and you don’t have any comments in there.

    I think you should apologize.

  178. 178.

    eemom

    Lurleen, Lurleen, Lurleen, Lurleeeee-eeeeen
    I’m beggin of ya, please fuck off this thread…..

  179. 179.

    Larkspur

    Full moon isn’t till June 15. Oh so glad I am on the left coast. I still have a whole evening left to enjoy, which I will probably do in a place that is elsewhere.

  181. 181.

    Comrade Kevin

    In this trailer, I get so cold and lonely,
    Lyin’ there awake at night, mutterin’ “If only
    You weren’t married so I might
    Ask you if you’d bunk with me tonight.”
    Bunk with me tonight,
    Oh, bunk with me tonight.
    I’m askin’, will you bunk with me tonight?

    – Lurleen

    Did you write that about Sarah?

  183. 183.

    Corner Stone

    @Southern Beale: He had a house/farm featured on HGTV. Something like 10 acres with a lot of cool stuff. He wanted something simple but his wife got involved and…yeah.
    Glad to hear everyone’s ok. He seemed like a decent person from the show.

  184. 184.

    Lurleen

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Why not nurture your own voice? Why steal a voice? It’s very old. Look at Bender at the neck.

    I know what your place is on this blog. This is not it. I think if you just stick to videos, you will be fine.

    Political stuff, not your forte. Defending yourself by calling me a stalker is not cool. Not cool for a front pager. Not cool for a front pager to try to out a commenter. Stinks a little of every wingnut trying to lose anyone who crosses them their jobs.

    So yeah, I have dealt with people like you and that is why you can’t find out where I I am or who I work for.

    Sorry Sarah, your wingnut inquest will reveal nothing.

  186. 186.

    eemom

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    I’ve been better. My mother is here for a week, it’s only the first night of her visit and she’s already driving me nuts.

    Real life Greek grannies aren’t nearly as cute as the one on that yogurt commercial.

    Wish I had a worldy-wise, polyamorous, violently senile momster like you, Mrs. Sarah.

  190. 190.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Lurleen:

    Jesus.

    Why not nurture your own voice? Why steal a voice? It’s very old. Look at Bender at the neck.

    Just because I write about drugs, pretend to be someone else and do a Lovecraft pastiche, doesn’t mean I am stealing anyone else’s voice.

    I know what your place is on this blog. This is not it. I think if you just stick to videos, you will be fine.
    Political stuff, not your forte.

    Some people seem to like my posts. I suspect I will muddle through without your approval.

    Defending yourself by calling me a stalker is not cool. Not cool for a front pager.

    I did not call you a stalker. Someone else did. I called you a troll, and I stand by that.

    Not cool for a front pager to try to out a commenter. Stinks a little of every wingnut trying to lose anyone who crosses them their jobs. So yeah, I have dealt with people like you and that is why you can’t find out where I I am or who I work for. Sorry Sarah, your wingnut inquest will reveal nothing.

    I don’t care who you are or where you work, other than hoping you are far enough across the country that I will never meet you.

  194. 194.

    Lurleen

    Since you can’t find me. you delete me.
    p
    nice.

    I’m sure there was more of an up-roar over ABL’s post

  196. 196.

    LesGS

    Balloon Juice is looking into the Abyss tonight.

    And the Abyss is looking back.

    And what It sees is just plain… silly.

    I love this place.

  201. 201.

    Draylon Hogg

    On a lighter note someone miles up this thread mentioned What’s Goin’ On which prompts me to say that Aloe Blacc’s latest album is fucking brilliant.

  202. 202.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    i’m not gonna go all lurleen about it, but i am a little hurt that sarah won’t discuss the comedic possibilities inherent in vagina dentata, and our criminally senile elders, even after said teeth have required denture replacements.

  203. 203.

    Uncle Clarence Thomas

    @Corner Stone:
    .
    .

    EDK was so obvious as to be transparent to anyone paying attention.

    Only one sentence was possible: Give him gliberty, or give him death.
    .
    .

  205. 205.

    Corner Stone

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: That’s bullshit. Lurleen and I were balls deep into discussing the Easterbrook v Simmons dialectic re: sports and popular culture.
    Now, that’s nowhere to be found.

  206. 206.

    PS

    Hey, the original post was fun. The maundering kvetching, not so much.

    SP&T, one should be charmed were thou to consent to sharing a hookah.

    (Naturally, one eschews the perpendicular pronoun.)

  208. 208.

    Steeplejack

    Night shift checking in. Weekend! Yee-haw.

    Hit a few random comments as I was scrolling down here, and it looks like it has been a bumpy ride tonight. Are the helicopters laughing yet? Rhetorical question.

    Better strap on a brew or two before descending into the maelstrom. Back in a few . . .

  211. 211.

    Gravenstone

    If you people force me to pie any more of you, I’m gonna go into a fucking diabetic coma.

  213. 213.

    Jewish Steel

    @Southern Beale:

    Ugh. That sounds gruesome.

    Music From The Hearts Of Space

    I had forgotten all about that show. It made me remember MST3K did a parody “Music From Some Guys In Space.”

  219. 219.

    Corner Stone

    @eemom: Nope, as usual you’re wrong. I enjoy rattling the hell outta some old goat sacks. You’ll have to wait your turn.

  221. 221.

    Comrade Kevin

    I’m looking at planning a vacation, anyone know where I can catch the bus to Innsmouth?

  222. 222.

    Quarks

    Not to interrupt all of the stalking or anything, but, what, I have to wait a full week to read the rest of this? Even Lovecraft wasn’t that cruel.

  224. 224.

    Steeplejack

    @Corner Stone:

    Dude, what got into the water tonight? The carousel is spinning so fast I don’t know where to jump on.

    Hmm, I just checked, and it’s not a full moon.

    Steep +1½

  227. 227.

    Steeplejack

    Hey, anyone else think Dr. Strange was an underrated Marvel book back in the day?

    “By the all-seeing eye of Agamotto! Some sights the eye perceives may be real–some dreams–and some hallucinations. And some are like this!”

    This thread is sort of reminding me of that.

  228. 228.

    LesGS

    @Yutsano: But… this is an open thread. It says so in the title.

    Maybe it’s so open that all its brains fell out..?

  229. 229.

    David Brooks (not that one) is a richardhead.

    This is an open thread, right?

    Just been on the back deck, on the first decent day of the year, with a mysterious woman I seem to have been married to for nearly 40 years, and who just sang “When I Grow Too Old to Dream” to me over a glass of acceptable chardonnay. I grilled pork steaks and sausages from our favorite butcher, who a couple of years ago started producing bacon and sausages British-style for the Brits at Microsoft and has turned it into a thriving business – we just visited his shop in Auburn.

    The hummingbirds are going crazy, and the bees are so desperate after a miserable spring that they are stealing nectar from the feeder. Over in the hemlocks, a robin and a red-winged blackbird are singing the evening away. Later I may take the cover off the telescope.

    Life does not suck.

  230. 230.

    Draylon Hogg

    This thread should be ashamed of itself. Over on Tom Levenson they’re having a whip round to pay for a commentor’s cat to have a bladder operation yet nobody has even offered Lurleen so much as a strip of Lithium. I can send half a box of out of date Champix. Hope this helps.

  233. 233.

    Jewish Steel

    @Comrade Kevin: For some reason I read all of Lurleen’s posts. So the “m” was not only noticeable, but fitting. I agree with eemom & Steeplejack it’s Bizarro Juice around here tonight.

  234. 234.

    Draylon Hogg

    @227

    I preferred Cole’s comment section when he was further to the right it was like early Iron Man. All war and pinko commie symp bashing.

  238. 238.

    LesGS

    @David Brooks (not that one) is a richardhead.: No, life does not suck. But I, for one, am a little sad. And I only mention this because you mentioned hummingbirds. My (rescue) cat was killed by a car earlier this week, and while I am really missing the psychotic little terror, the hummingbirds in the neighborhood are not. I actually felt liberal-eco guilt every time I let her out of the house, because I knew chances were good she’d be soon be bringing me a hummingbird to snack on with her.

  240. 240.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Corner Stone:

    That’s bullshit. Lurleen and I were balls deep into discussing the Easterbrook v Simmons dialectic re: sports and popular culture. Now, that’s nowhere to be found.

    Oh that shit. Yeah, that bored me so I deleted it. Ooopsies.

  241. 241.

    Draylon Hogg

    @232

    Broken jaw? Ouch.

    Now how’d you send things to one of these new fangled IP addresses I’ve been hearing about all night?

  242. 242.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @PS:

    Hey, the original post was fun. The maundering kvetching, not so much. SP&T, one should be charmed were thou to consent to sharing a hookah. (Naturally, one eschews the perpendicular pronoun.)

    You’re very kind, dear. I’ll happily share a hookah with you any day.

  244. 244.

    Steeplejack

    @Draylon Hogg:

    If you hover your mouse over the comment you’re reading, a little floaty “Reply” button should pop up. If you click that–or “mash” it, if you’re from the South–you’ll get dropped down to the comment box with a preformatted address for the message to which you want to reply.

    Is that what you were talking about?

  246. 246.

    asiangrrlMN

    In honor if this very weird thread, I offer this old standby, a different version, minus the go-go dancers (Note, Steepman, hey, I’m not trying to trick you this time).

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: And, to be clear, I did NOT call her a stalker. I crossed out the word stalk and everything. I was trying to give her romantic tips.

  248. 248.

    Draylon Hogg

    The commentor whose head exploded. That is now on a loop in my head to the tune of The Fall’s The Man Whose Head Expanded-uh. Saw an interview with MES recently and my goodness he’s a poster child for the downside of long term amphetamine use. Looked like his mandible was about to drop off. Frail as fuck, thought he was going to chew his face inside out.

  252. 252.

    Comrade Kevin

    Can someone tell me how to get to Hobb’s End? Do you read Sutter Cane? I’m a big fan.

  253. 253.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Jewish Steel: YAY. I was glad to see you over there, and I’m glad you’re back to Jewish Steel. Carry on.

    ETA: I was pretty sure it was you given the name and the writing style, but you never know. You may have a doppelganger with the SAME NAME on teh webz.

    @Steeplejack: Dood. Click. the. damn. link. It’s just for you.

    @Steeplejack: This time, I am serious. It’s Cat Stevens’ version of Here Comes My Baby. There. I was trying to give you a nice surprise, and I had to spoil it because you are sooooo suspicious of me.

  255. 255.

    Steeplejack

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I saw what you tried to do the other night, missy, but it didn’t work. Hell to the no. I have those two URLs seared into my memory, and in any case my spidey sense was tingling as soon as I saw your seemingly innocuous message.

    But I bear no grudge. Here’s a new one for you.

  256. 256.

    Steeplejack

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I clicked. I listened. I enjoyed. Every time I hear Cat Stevens’s version it makes me think (pleasantly) of The Royal Tenenbaums. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s right, you don’t do movies. My bad.

    I was referencing your attempted scam of the other night–trying to submarine me with “In Demand” while I was expecting go-go dancers. Just wanted you to know that I did happen along later, snuffling through the dead threads, but I was still wise to your tricks.

  259. 259.

    Uncle Clarence Thomas

    @Corner Stone:
    .
    .

    Uncle Clarence Thomas. Thank the Gods you are here to guide us.

    Guidance sometimes requires two broad strong hands, and the ability to apply them judiciously to a naughty white backside. eemom, I’m talking to you.
    .
    .

  269. 269.

    Steeplejack

    @Yutsano:

    Point taken.

    I may be outta here. I am undersupplied on booze tonight, and I have reached that stage in the Foreign Legion movies where they are propping dead guys on the battlements with rifles under their arms to misinform the A-rabs lurking in the dunes. And I have to get up relatively early tomorrow to do fraternal things with my brother, Dr. Amberjack, M.D.

    Thanks to you all for reminding me of Herbert Kornfeld from The Onion. Seriously, run down the archives (in chronological order). Hilarious stuff.

    Steep Smoove B. out.

  276. 276.

    Draylon Hogg

    No Steep I mean how do I send a box of pills to an IP address? You are very kind to offer advice but I was taking the piss as IP addresses featured heavily further up this thread. I feel like a bit of a shit actually, I don’t think Lurleen is very well.

  277. 277.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    @Draylon Hogg:

    I feel like a bit of a shit actually, I don’t think Lurleen is very well.

    I feel a bit the same way.

    @Lurleen:

    Lurleen – I apologize for the IP address quip. It was (as Cornerstone pointed out)) unnecessary, and I shouldn’t have said it, even though I really didn’t mean anything by it. I love the fact that people can sockpuppet and troll on here. It’s part of the fun.

    I also understand your concern with my fictional self as a parody of people in care. I have thought about this, and try very much to present Sarah in a way that is a parody of small town life, not a mockery of the very real issues faced by people in aged care.

    I can’t really respond to the idea that I’m ripping off someone’s ideas, because I have no idea who you mean. It’s certainly unintentional.

    I’d like to discuss issues substantively if we can, even if I am in the guise of a fictional character.

  278. 278.

    Johnny Coelacanth

    @Lurleen: “Prison rape is funny too, right?” Prison rape is fuckin’ hilarious. Haven’t you ever seen Oz? People who take their pseudonyms from obscure Simpsons characters don’t get to tell me what’s funny.

    This was a great story, Sarah. Your best yet. Thanks for writing it, looking forward to the next installment.

  280. 280.

    harlana

    In recent years, I have developed a case of adult ADHD so I cannot read long posts. It’s pointless because I cannot retain information the way I used to. Although I realize aging and mental illness is part of the problem, I partially blame 8 wearing years of Bush and outrage fatigue which has eaten away a portion of my brain. Anyway, I’m not proud of it, but at the same time I can’t put the blame on Sarah!

  281. 281.

    Svensker

    @karen marie:

    That is really good. This one is also real good and sounds to be from the same era, when Pops was doing most of the vocal leads. I loves Mavis, but Pops had a great voice and he sort of faded into the bg in later years.

  284. 284.

    karen marie

    @Svensker: Yeah, that one’s a classic. I have a CD called “Peace to the Neighborhood” from the ’90s (maybe?) where he does an even better version of it, as well as “Down in Mississippi” and “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

  286. 286.

    Ecks

    But carry on and enjoy yourselves.

    Excellent plan.

    Keep up the good work Sarah. Nous vous adorez.

  287. 287.

    Ab_Normal

    Is it too late to say that your Spokane is a fuck-ton more interesting than the one I live in?

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