This made me laugh:
After a thorough investigation, Daily Intel has discovered that God is separately backing at least three different contenders for the Republican presidential nomination. Over the course of the past few months and even years, God has sent signs and direct messages to each of these candidates encouraging them to run, presumably without telling them that he supports other candidates as well.
God works in mysterious ways. There have been years when I’ve caught her rooting for every single team in the NFL playoffs. And I have no idea why she is punishing Tim Tebow like this, but I’m not complaining.
Sure, but who does the FSM support?
Somebody’s feeling spankier today. Good deal.
That’s the problem with lossy communications of that nature; drop a few bits here and there and the message is misunderstood. Run for President? Perhaps. Be President? Even God is shielding His/Her eyes from watching that potential calamity.
I think it’s weird that God communicates via DM. Every tweet is sacred, I guess.
Still waiting for your story on the Pakistan Missile strike. And reports that the US may…may accelerate the pull out of Afghanistan.
But as soon as some snake accidentally gets run over on the Kabul highway you will be on here in a flash all breathless with spittle saying see…see….this is why we must get out now!
I see your hero GOP candidate Johnson is coming up last on the Primary poll. What does your mentor and advisor Greenwald have to say about that?
Now I know why Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh are rich!
Tim Tebow is quite hot, which is reason enough for me to be glad his mother did not abort him per their vomitacious anti-choice PSA, but I digress…his religious pontificating also makes me want to hurl.
But, once again, he is hot, so all is forgiven.
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
That G-d, she’s a sly one. And when she gets together with Karma and they both get a snort or two of a nice cabernet, you never know what they’ll come up with. Just ask Rick Santorum. (That’s gotta be a result of G-d speaking directly in Dan Savage’s ear, right?)
Mike in NC
Gott Mit Uns
@Fred: Ok. This has to be spoof.
Villago Delenda Est
This is my question.
Chances are, FSM doesn’t give a flying meatball about any of them, to include Obama.
speaking of God’n’such, here’s an interesting piece a college classmate of mine wrote about an issue that was discussed here recently. (regrettably, it’s at PuffPo)
@Tim, Interrupted: I choose to respect your opinion on this matter. For me personally the holier-than-thou attitude really turns me off. Now Peyton Hillis, there’s a side of beef with the added special sauce of a thick Arkansas accent.
@John Cole: I demand an IP address check!
John Cole, glad you seem to be feeling better. Don’t overdo by trying to put in that fence or anything. Let yourself recover.
Dan Amira, New York Magazine:
Are you there, God? It’s me, Herman. I just found this old issue of Penthouse, from 1973, in the garage, and was wondering if that’s you putting these thoughts in my head? Ooh, look, God, I just found an eight-ball of coke in the dashboard. And here’s some lubricant. You want me to do WHAT? Well, God, if you insist …
I know who ceiling cat supports, Tunch fur Purrsident!
Why does Jesus never get blamed in interviews when people lose?
Based on these candidates, god is obviously 4-chan.
thank the FSM, Cleveland is vying to be the next Sodom and didn’t draft St. Tebow. there are too many rabid crazies in the stands on Sundays without adding a bunch of God Bothering, drooling Tebow worshipers to the mix. :P bleh!
@JGabriel: Oh. My. Gravy. I LOLed, I did.
@John Cole: Nope, not surprised it went over your head (apparently).
And when the next jobs report comes out and the previous report is revised upwards I will be on here reminding you of your apocalyptic rant on that as well.
Given that the Republicans worship at the altar of Tax Cuts, each and every one of their candidacies looks like a win/win for their Deity. Meanwhile skeptics stand aside questioning whether this God can really solve each and every problem humankind faces, as claimed by the faithful…
Apparently the blog is going to lose its collective shit today. And I have to work and miss the whole bloodbath. Sigh.
As Tom Waits so aptly put it:
“How does God choose, whose prayers does he refuse?”
Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937
God better start keeping it in its pants.
@Villago Delenda Est:
I imagine she’s more into what her kid said about not being hypocrites and feeding the poor and caring for widows and orphans and all of that stuff.
Football games and presidential hopefuls? Not so much.
Fred. Stop picking on John Cole. This is his place and it is just bad manners.
And perhaps OT but Hillary CLinton wants to be the first woman head of the World Bank. She’s negotiating with the White House. The postion becomes vacant next year.
Yuts, with Tebow you have to turn the sound off as soon as he nears a microphone, because you’re right, the piety is a bone-killer. BUT, unless, too and maybe, however: His self righteousness does lend itself to certain fantasies involving his kidnap and punishment by, well…me, forcing him, after days of physical and emotional…prodding, to see things from a different angle, so to speak. :P
This healthy zest for competition just serves as further proof of how much God loves the free market.
Cris (without an H)
I’m surprised to see you referring to God with a feminine pronoun. As I learned from Terence McKenna, God is a fungal being, so you need to use whatever pronoun mushrooms use when talking to each other about sex.
I shouldn’t waste my time but since I hang with serious Christians, I have to point out: feeling you are called by God to do something does not automatically equal feeling God is declaring that you ARE going to achieve something.
Yeah, I know these candidates tend to be Christianists and may very well be saying that this means God is backing them for the win. But real Christians often feel callings that don’t necessarily lead to success, and they know are quite unlikely to lead to success, but that may provide growth, lessons in humility, experience, exposure to a new way of thinking or doing something, or connect them with people in new and constructve ways. Just saying.
But what do I know? I’m one of those perpetrators of great evil in the world. If only I would spend more time commenting on blogs and less time helping to feed the poor.
I think God spends waayy too much time talking to crazy people.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
orlando franklin is a right tackle prospect, because no one in their correct mind thinks he can play left tackle, he is big and tall and has long arms, there are only so many men like that on the planet.
but because he is projected as a right tackle, doesn’t mean anything with regards to tebow. you don’t want a right tackle who isn’t left tackle capable(in many people’s estimation) protecting your left handed qb’s blind side(right tackle), it defeats the purpose.
either way, all the god talk in politics and sports makes me wish we spoke as casually about a vengful and smiting god, who only sought to harm people for doing wrong, by messing with their sports and political performances. but even then it would get really old. either way is damned egotistical, to think god, she, he, it, or genitalia that defies categorization and boggles the mind, gives a fuck.
@eemom: How is he picking on me? What he writes makes no sense. I’m apparently insufficiently something or another because I have not written a front page post about the unconfirmed death of another Al Qaeda leader. I’m apparently insufficiently happy/sad that we may be withdrawing from Afghanistan. I’m also supposed to be very excited about some libertarian candidate for President who I have never mentioned and who has so much chance of winning he hasn’t even been invited to the debates.
None of it makes sense. He’s on drugs or something.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
your toaster is in the mail. or maybe not, but it would be foolish not to speculate.
Villago Delenda Est
Or he should be on drugs or something.
jeez. I was just trying to be NICE.
Can’t we all just get along?
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
Given the pitiful inadequacies of mental health care in this country, I think G-d’s just trying to do a dirty job no one else wants (or will pay for). Faith-based initiative in action.
In our old campaigns, the DM was God. Has Fourth Edition changed that, too?
Upon being presented with the list given in the Gospels, Cain said, “Never mind, I’m gonna go with taking food away from poor children, denying them health care, and feeding the least among us to alligators.”
By a commenter to the article linked to in the post:
Which is along the lines of what Elliecat was saying.
Think of it this way, objectively, Satan has to be backing at least 2 of these 3 candidates.
@mds: Did he ever get an answer as to whether he was his brother’s keeper? I think that was a pretty important question for him, whether he realizes it or not.
Better link alligators there, otherwise people might think you were exaggerating for comic effect. Herman Cain:
As I mentioned yesterday, in a case like this, the Old Testament says that the GOP faithful should use divination.
You divide the candidates into two groups and get out your old Urim and Thummin, and do whatever it is that they did with them (know one knows for sure) to discard one of the groups.
Then you repeat until one righteous man (or woman) is remains.
If the GOP does not use this method, they are unGodly and deserve to lose. For they will be allowing false prophets to to walk among them and utter blasphemies and lies.
@Maude: This Reuters’ story was debunked ‘on the record’ yesterday. Why are you still fogging it here? And I am in London.
Villago Delenda Est
Yeah, it really sucks that the Great Wall was breached multiple times by the barbarian hordes to the north.
Patton had something to say about fixed fortifications, too.
Cain is a shithead. That much is obvious.
Fred has very specific ideas of exactly what you should write in your blog and gets upset when you don’t follow his obviously correct recommendations. Apparently it has never occurred to him that blogging is something anyone with internet access can do so the solution is in his hands: He can write the perfect blog himself instead of whining about your blog not being exactly what he wants to see.
Whining is easier than blogging, though, so I expect he’ll keep doing it.
@jl: I thought divination was where you buried them and then doused to find the winner.
Or am I doin’ it wrong?
Villago Delenda Est
Fred’s audience for FredTalk is substantially less than his audience on Balloon Juice.
So there is that.
The real point here is that Tim Tebow’s t-shirt is cooler than yours
If I thought there was a deity who cared about who ran for president, I’d take this to mean that it wants the president to be a democrat. Why else would it encourage all these crazy people?
No. Please proceed.
@beth: He’s a sadist, what can he say?
Satan has to be backing at least 2 of these 3 candidates.
If, that’s IF I were a religious person, I would say that every rethuglican has been talking to Satan, who has disguised his voice to sound like god. As you can plainly see none of them have been actually talking or at least listening to any god so my hypothesis is very plausible.
If only there were more serious Christians like those you hang out with. The Christianists who announce at a drop of a hat what God has directed them to do seem so egocentric. I grew up in an area with large number of Lutheran churches attended by descendants of Scandinavian immigrants where you didn’t wear your religion on your sleeve but tried to live it. The few who made it a practice of loudly saying God told them to do this or that made people uncomfortable. It was considered bad etiquette.
@Felinious Wench: I don’t know about you god, but some of mine really like football.
I’m pretty sure that it’s Allah, not Yahweh, who is telling these people to run. Look at the evidence. Allah has been hammering the Bible Belt with plagues of biblical magnitude all year. Record bad winter, record tornado outbreaks, record flooding on major rivers, record heat wave. It’s obvious to any thinking person that Allah is out to destroy our country. And what better way to destroy the country than install Cain, Santorum, or Bachmann as President? I suggest y’all make yourselves right with Allah before it’s too late.
Mike Kay (True Grit)
I wonder how many people in the blogopshere are believers and non-believers.
As for myself, I believe in going to church/temple whenever they hold a nice cook out that is attended by cute available women.
@Shoemaker-Levy 9: Allah and Yahweh are the same entity. And It is an utter asshole.
God obviously has a sense of humor.
Cris (without an H)
Ouch, my eyes rolled so hard I injured myself
It is so nice to see Santa Claus officially (GOP) elevated to deity status.
Backing three candidates, huh? I think that god may be hedging his/her bet. Or each candidate has a personal diety from the pantheon. Or, it could be something else altogether…
It might be that God likes watching trainwrecks. Surely that’s why he created the Toronto Maple Leafs.
It’s the call of Cthulhu.
@Nutella: No, I just don’t trust Cole’s opinion on anything even if I sometimes agree with it.
He voted for G Dubya twice and thinks Greenwalds libertarian buddy Johnson would make a good Prez.
There is something fundamentally wrong with someone with that kind of judgement. To me it is not unlike seemingly normal Germans in the 1930’s with in tact moral compasses that were able to be convinced that world domination and the extermination of all jews was the right thing to do.
In other words, I think people like him are dangerous because there are flaws in their thought process that transcends morality and reasoning. Get it!
@eemom: OMFG, someone has ‘bad manners’ on the Intertubez. OMFG, call the internet police. This is an outrage I tells ya. Since when do people do that?!
Who TF are you to get all high and mighty about it captain internet manners?