Yesterday, when I went to go to the lumber yard to get a couple dozen bags of topsoil, I couldn’t find my wallet. It drove me nuts, because I KNOW that I had placed it on the second desk in my office the night before. But when I went there, it was gone. I looked everywhere, and couldn’t find it, and then, on a hunch (since she has already chewed up one wallet and made an attempt on this wallet), I checked under the Morris chair in the spare bedroom where Rosie like to stash her (MY) stuff. And sure enough, there it was. I couldn’t figure out how she was doing it, until now.
As I was sitting here working, Tunch jumped up onto the spare desk, nonchalantly walked over and knocked my wallet onto the ground. In a flash, Rosie shot out from underneath my feet at the desk, picked up the wallet, and took off for the spare bedroom. Tunch just sat there and gave me a “WTF are you going to do about it, fat man?”
I just sat there for a minute, stunned. I think I may have actually said “You gotta be shitting me” out loud, because it dawned on me that if they really are working together, I’m screwed.
Politically Lost
I’m sure that Lily is the mastermind. Her demur appearance is the perfect front.
Han's Solo
Conspiracy!!!!!
Cats and dogs working together is one of the signs of the apocalypse. So is Sarah Palin!
End days are here brother Cole. Repent!
James Hare
Yes — Lily is directing it all. That way she appears like a perfect angel while enjoying the others driving John insane.
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
The Morris chair is in on the plot, too. Just don’t sit there …
Culture of Truth
[ Insert ‘herding cats’ joke here ]
Ken
You have to video that and put it on YouTube. Use the Mission Impossible music for the soundtrack.
JCT
Our cat knocks stuff off the kitchen counter down to the waiting beagles with great regularity.
Until we caught them all red-handed my son got yelled at several times for leaving things on the edge of the counter when he swore up and down he had been careful.
We’re still trying to figure out what the cat gets in return….
Alexandra
Genuinely laughed at this, after the recent crate-praise. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
kdaug
Wait ’till they figure out the rope/pulley thing. Fun times.
taylormattd
“If” they are working together?
Come on man, face facts.
I recommend putting a combination lock on the knives.
Judas Escargot
Bipartisanship!
kd bart
Nixon wishes he could’ve used them at The Watergate.
Keith G
They are just practicing for when the fence is completed and they permanently banish you to the backyard.
Your days are numbered, Cole.
shortstop
Why do you have a second desk? As a spacious platform for 100 pounds of prone feline?
On the working together front, we were overdue for a remake of Frogs anyway.
Twisted Martini
Thanks for the laugh John, that is good stuff.
TaMara (BHF)
OMG, I was laughing so hard at this, all the guys came into my office wanting to know what was so f-ing funny. I told them I could never explain it in a million years. Never.
Thanks for the laugh
John CTunch.Timothy Trollenschlongen (formerly Tim, Interrupted)
Cats are seriously creepy.
Citizen_X
Oh Mah Gawd, they’re IN CAHOOTS!
(Just had to use “cahoots,” because it’s such an awesome word.)
But I don’t think Tunch would ever allow Lily to be Gang Leader. She may be The Brains of the outfit, Rosie the muscle, but Tunch is the leader and Deciderer.
DonkeyKong
This just in, Tunch and Rosie will be voting with the republicans to not raise the debt ceiling.
res ipsa loquitur
Didn’t you once say that you were concerned that Tunch would kill you in your sleep?
trollhattan
Rosie has conquered the third dimension, normally excluded to dogs. Yew is screwed!
Did Tunch celebrate by grabbing a frog from his Jabba snack dish?
Measles Montgomery
What “proof” do you have exactly? Video? Just because you *think* you saw something doesn’t mean you did.
[The League of Fat Pets had better not pay my retainer in chow again!]
Silver Owl
Tunch, “Do as I say human or your stuff gets it!”.
lol I think John, you just have been fully owned. All your stuff too.
geg6
Endless hilarity at the expense of stoopid humans.
And this ends another episode of why I would never have a cat. I like my pets to be the stoopid ones. Thus my love of dogs.
Poopyman
Well don’t blame Rosie, Cole. Tunch gives her presents scented with Eau de Cole Butt and what is she supposed to do, give it back?
I think Tunch is softening her up for the big hit, though. The fact that it’s your wallet is just happenstance. He’d no doubt like to drop something on her head. Let’s try an experiment: Put an anvil up on the spare desk and see what happens.
In other news, looks like someone’s trying an end run around the debt ceiling:
Alexandra
All three of them, sniggering like Muttley when you’re out of earshot…
Southern Beale
John better hope they don’t figure out how credit cards work or you truly are screwed.
Thoughtcrime
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Amir_Khalid
I’d worry about why Tunch and Rosie want your wallet. Has any cash gone missing? Have any of your identification documents been removed and then put back in the wrong place? Are there any mysterious, unexplained purchases being delivered to Castle Cole?
catclub
Poopyman @ 25
I am going to wait until I see that somewhere besides HuffPo.
And like the ‘lower Medicare to 55’ thing that Lieberman sat on, I suspect there are democrats ( well, democratic senators, not quite the same thing) that would take the GOP side on this one as well.
Also, on the issue: I am no constitutional scholar, but it seems to me that the debt that has _already_ been issued is covered by that reading, but not future debt which has not yet been issued.
It is future debt that needs to be authorized, not past debt.
vtr
Do you have a 24 pound Maine Coon Cat that urinates on your Oriental carpets as a way of announcing, “I believe I have a huge fur ball in my stomach”? NO? Then consider yourself fortunate.
Cain
yes, Rosie loves wallets with fat man scent all over it! Tunch is like some kind of masterimind.. you’re fucked cole.
Brian S
I can’t believe that we’re 30 comments in and no one has quoted Peter Venkman. “Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria!”
catclub
Brian @ 32 Please see post number… wait for it… 28.
freelancer
OMG, Tunch indulging his inner Robespierre, staring down at Cole with a look that says: “Bet you didn’t think it’d end like this, did you? kthxbai!”
trollhattan
Thing is, if they’re this smart they probably put the credit cards back after copying the numbers, and now Cole is “donating” to SarahPAC, Team Bachmann, and Drs. Foster & Smith pet supplies.
slag
I’m not so sure. This may be a classic case of entrapment.
bkny
yep, you’re screwed ….
Thoughtcrime
Brian, you forget the most important part, “Human sacrifice”. I didn’t. Tunch and Rosie won’t either.
MattR
slag – That’s what I was thinking. If they were really working together, would Tunch go and blow it by letting John know their secret?
Violet
I blame Lily. That sweet, demure personality is just an act. She’s the mastermind. Tunch is the muscle. Rosie is the bag girl.
I hope you’re double checking your credit card statements thoroughly. With access to your wallet, no telling what they’re charging when you’re out.
Litlebritdifrnt
That literally made me laugh out loud John because it reminds me so much of my Mum’s dear departed JRT Skipper. We used to have all sorts of stuff go missing, wallets, purses, sets of keys, it was maddening. One day Mum gave Skipper a treat and noticed that rather than eat it he went running up the stairs. He came back a short time later without the treat. As an experiment she gave him another treat and then stealthily followed him. He kept looking back to make sure he wasn’t being followed but she managed to hide. Eventually he got to the spare bedroom at the very top of the house (it is a four story house), went to a wardrobe with a sliding door and using his nose slid open the door, he deposited the treat and then again using his nose slid the door closed.
When he went back down the stairs Mum went into the room and opened the wardrobe door, there, hidden under a blanket was Skipper’s Stash as we then named it. All sorts of treasures, wallets, purses, sets of keys, a couple of my Dad’s pipes and a tobacco pouch, underwear, socks, treats, old bones, a couple of packs of cigs, lighters, coins, odd bits of string, bottle caps, and empty crisp packets. Mum say it was a wonder to behold and from then on if anything went “missing” the first question was “have you checked Skippers Stash?” Damn I still miss that dog :)
Felinious Wench
My cat and dog do this all of the time. My favorite is when the cat knocks pieces for a 1,000 piece puzzle on the floor, and the dog eats them. You find out at the end when pieces are missing. Maddening.
Crayons. Wine corks. Food. Anything the cat can knock off for the dog, she does it, and the dog eats it or destroys it.
MikeJ
40 comments in and not one “dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!”
quaker in a basement
I believe you’ve slipped the surly bonds of reality and landed in a Get Fuzzy strip.
JPL
OMG.. A cat trying to get a dog in trouble, who would have thought that was possible. I’m shocked, just shocked.
ROSSINDETROIT
Our 8 lb poodle/maltese mix ignores desirable stuff that’s within reach. We keep his treats in a bag on a low shelf and he’s never made an attempt, though he could easily pull them down. Just not ambitious. He’ll do complicated tricks for you to get one but has never thought to help himself.
kdaug
Agreed with all, it’s the wallet that’s the most salient point about this.
Food knocked off the counter? I could see that – a little quid pro quo for the tasty kitty poop treats.
But cash? Something sinister is afoot.
I do hope you’re logging off your computer at night, Cole. And shutting it down. And unplugging it from the wall. And putting the power cord on a high shelf in the closet and shutting the door.
p.a.
Your first warning should have been the credit card purchase of the movie Cats and Dogs that you didn’t remember making.
I would lock the bedroom door and windows at night if I were you. And for god’s sake don’t fall asleep in the tub.
Remains of West Virginia Blogger Discovered. Sullivan, Balko Rejoice
tBoy
It’s not to late to apologize.
slag
Exactly. Tunch originally figured that John would have been smart enough to drop the hammer on Rosie after the first or second time she stole his wallet. But then it occurred to Tunch that if John’s not smart enough to ditch the dog, then maybe he’s not smart enough to know the dog did the deed in the first place. And in this situation, Tunch probably figured he’d just get a slap on the wrist for “accidentally” dropping the wallet on the floor. It all makes sense from Tunch’s POV.
bkny
#42 — that’s a wonderful story… he must have been a very loved/loving animal…
NonyNony
kdaug
Yeah, this is good advice. When the FBI shows up with that warrant and they find gigs and gigs of kitty pr0n on your computer, well, it’ll just be embarrassing for everyone involved I suspect.
artem1s
Because I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs and I gotta get ’em right away. Just the little ones that go around the little front paws or maybe the manacles..four, to get all four paws. But what a drag; I found out my cat was embezzling from me…..And I wouldn’t have caught him, but I went out to his house where he sleeps…and there was about $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. Any you can’t return ’em ’cause they have spit all over them! So now I’m stuck with $3000 worth of cat toys!
courtesy of Steve Martin
trollhattan
@42.Litlebritdifrnt
Skipper closed the door? Scary smart, that one.
Rosalita
and here I was waiting for you to say the wallet was actually in your back pants pocket. My boyfriend spent 30 minutes looking for his wallet one morning and that’s where it was the whole time.
you’d better sleep with one eye open.
Studly Pantload, a full-service troll
“We iz in yer house, mastermindin’ yer demize.”
Roger Moore
I don’t think they’re working together. I think Tunch is following the traditional feline belief that anything that can be batted about with the paws is a cat toy, and Rosie is following the traditional canine belief that anything that can be picked up in the jaws is a dog toy. Tunch is probably annoyed that Rosie picked the thing up before he could
jumpclamber down to the floor to play with it some more and will soon find another, extremely expensive and fragile cat toy on one of your higher shelves.kdaug
NonyNony@53 – Hmmm. Perhaps there’s an ulterior motive here.
What if Lily and Rosie were setting Tunch up, so that when the FBI raid comes, they can sit and look innocent, and Tunch takes the fall. After all, there’s no way the dogs could log in, but the cat? Hell, yeah.
Either way, this won’t reflect well on Cole.
MattR
slag – That is one possibility. But I think Tunch is upset that John and Rosie are getting along better (ie. the crate) so he stole John’s wallet yesterday and hid it in Rosie’s spot. Then he had to make sure that Rosie got the blame so today he knocked it on to the floor right in front of her, where she would be unable to resist. And with that act, the trust between John and Rosie is ruined (while John’s distrust of Tunch remains at the same high level it started at)
Cap'n Phealy
Considering that the courts won’t recognize Tunch and Rosie as competent plaintiffs in a libel suit against you, I’d say they were taking the only course open to them.
Roger Moore
@kdaug:
The way you can tell if it was the cat who logged in is to look at the password. If it’s “ikjghberdza” or something similar, it was probably the cat. If it’s “Iluveatingcatshit”, it’s the dog.
Ash Can
It’s a simple, elegant plan. First, the animals use Cole’s credit cards to order eighty bazillion metric shit-tons of gourmet kibbles for themselves off the intratoobz. Then, with their future meals thus secured, they send the fat man down the concrete steps nose-first. The only thing the police would be able to do is shrug and say to John’s family, “Sorry, folks, but we can’t prosecute housepets.”
It’s the perfect crime, I tells ya.
CaliMatt
they are, and you are.
MattR
Ash Can – How do they execute the last part of that plan? I am guessing that Lily and Tunch will have to jump up and push John after Rosie sneaks behind John’s knees. I can’t see the piglet jumping.
kdaug
@Roger Moore:
Don’t be too sure. icanhascheezburger is a fairly coherent password.
Nutella
@ Litlebritdifrnt
The funniest part of that story is Mum sneaking after the dog and the dog looking back to see it wasn’t followed.
Jim H.
Et tu, Muffy? Et tu?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091877/quotes
trollhattan
65.MattR – June 29, 2011 | 3:28 pm · Link
While saying [in peteze], “Hey Cole, did you have a nice summer? Enjoy your fall!”
Cyrus
Could be worse, John: http://animalsbeingdicks.com. I can’t look for the exact link while at work, but the one I’m thinking of is the one with the cat and the guy doing situps.
The Moar You Know
I would lock the house and burn it behind me as I walked away. But that’s just me; I value my life.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
Steve Martin
Cat Handcuffs
slag
Possible. But why would Tunch do the work when he’s obviously got Rosie there to do it for him?
becca
You got Lily, Tunch has Rosie.
Rosie aka Tonch’s Revenge.
jak
someone else mentioned it but beware when the fence is finished.
From the 1970’s
A Cold Night’s Death
Scientists Culp and Wallach suspect that there is someone other than their research primates inhabiting their polar station.
Ann Marie
The cat I had as a kid, KiKi, used to open the lower kitchen cabinet where we kept the dog and cat food, pull out the box of Gainesburgers, extract one from the package, open up the plastic casing, then sit back so our beagle, Brodie, could eat it. He had a good thing going with that cat. All she got in return was a comfy support to lean against when she napped.
MattR
Cyrus – I assume you mean this one (page 9)
They are all amazing but page 4 is impressive and page 8 is perfect for this thread.
slag – Good point. That is an obvious flaw in my theory.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
I suspect that it’s Tunch who bangs out the majority of the hippie-punching posts that are credited to Cole.
Roger Moore
@MattR:
I’m thinking that they wait until Cole is at the top of the steps. Then Rosie distracts him and Tunch walks right in front of his feet. Then Lily appears at the bottom of the steps to entice him to walk down. He trips over Tunch and falls to his doom. Nobody will ever believe it was the animals’ fault rather than his well documented clumsy streak.
MattR
Roger Moore – To fit this thread, how about Lily distracts him and then Rosie appears at the bottom of the steps with John’s wallet in her mouth .
UncertaintyVicePrincipal
Okay see this is why I read this blog. Despite the rabid swarms of zombie Obots, or posts about spraying things or smelling things or whatever that bodily fluids festival was all about the other day.
It’s the comic stylings of the hapless pet owner and not-so-handy man. They’re like Woody Allen’s “my appliances are trying to kill me” bit, but with live appliances.
geg6
Actually, I don’t think that is right. The debt ceiling has to be raised in order to borrow to cover current debts. These debts include SS/Medicare obligations, Medicaid, payments to defense contractors, interest on Treasury bonds, salaries for troops, payments to veterans and for veterans services, food stamps, welfare, and all federal salaries and benefits, to name just the biggies. These are monies that have already been voted for and that the government is, thus, obligated to pay. None of this is new spending.
Perhaps I’m wrong. If so, someone will correct me.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
30 Days In The Hole
by John Cole
For those of you asking where I’ve been for the last ten days: Tunch and Rosie found a way to lock me in Rosie’s crate. Luckily, my sister has my house keys.
Where was Balko when I needed him?
Rosalita
this isn’t related to pets, but related to losing something. a friend of mine via Facebook today…
“I hate when you are looking all over for the cell phone, emptying your purse, looking under the car seats and every room in the house; Then your bra rings. OH, THAT’S where I left it! SMH!”
Litlebritdifrnt
All above, Skipper was a wonder dog, he truly was. He originally belonged to the elderly owner of a pub that my parents used to visit every Friday night. He was very popular with the customers and would visit each one in turn, many of whom had treats in their pocket for him. When the old gentleman died no one knew what to do with him as he was quite an old dog. Eventually my parents adopted him and he lived a good many more years with them.
Ruckus
How does it feel to be owned?
To have nothing in the house yours except the bills?
Tonal Crow
@Poopyman: I’m not so sure that that excerpt from the Art.4 of the 14th Amendment supports the argument that the debt limit is unconstitutional. Art.4 was enacted to reassure those who had financed the Union during the Civil War that they would be repaid, and that those who had financed the Confederacy would *not* be repaid.
I think a somewhat better argument can be made that once Congress appropriates money pursuant to Art.I s.9 cl.7 that, if spent, would increase the deficit, it has implicitly authorized the executive to do what it takes — sell assets, print money, etc. — to “pay the Debts” (Art.I s.8 cl.1.) incurred by that expenditure.
But this is all speculation. I haven’t checked whatever precedent might exist on these points.
Jebediah
Fuk, I needed a laugh today. Thank you, Mr. Cole!
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
(You’ve Got Me Tied to the)
WhippingScratching Post aka Cat Scratch Fever aka Venus In Fursby John Cole
The entire story is right there in boldface.
Have at it, assholes.
Carnacki
@ James. I suspect it’s a short drive.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
password protect your computer and your phone, lily is obviously working on getting the account to amazon.com. once she gets in, your toast, in fact, call your credit card company and your bank, tell them your dog stole your account numbers, they’ll know what to do.
IrishGirl
I think @poopyman has it right. Tunch is doing everything in his power to help Rosie get into trouble so you will shuffle off Rosie’s mortal coil. Plus, its a bonus to really piss you off too! LMFAO, thanks for the giggles.
Just Dale
The wallet is just a warm-up.
http://animalsbeingdicks.com/post/6752745788/double-whammy
Jebediah
Bipawtisan!
Carnacki
@ Ruckus. Anyone ever married can answer that.
PurpleGirl
Laughing so hard, my sides are now hurting…
Good thing I wasn’t drinking and I keep my keyboard on a pull-out shelf under the desk.
Rosalita
@ just dale #93
holy crap that site is funny
burnspbesq
This should make Cole happy if it passes.
http://balkin.blogspot.com/2011/06/possible-compromise-on-libya-and-war.html
tkogrumpy
Got to the last sentence, and burst out in a hearty BWAHAHAHAHA!
Isidor
The minds of cats & dogs never cease to amaze me.
rickstersherpa
I had to go to this video. If both the dog and cat are growing thumbs, yep, you are truly screwed. heh, heh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8
polyorchnid octopunch
Haven’t read the thread yet… but yeah, you are so screwed.
JWL
It sounds like Steve Martin’s embezzler cat routine. The truth only dawned when he noticed a backyard full of cat toys.
gogol's wife
I’ve been looking forward all day to being able to read this thread. It didn’t disappoint. Thanks for the laughs. I’m not surprised at all that Tunch is using Rosie as a “cat’s paw” for his entertainment.
Gravenstone
This is John Cole’s future, such as it is.
Been nice reading you, John. Be sure to turn the keys to the joint over to a responsible party. Or not, since that sort of disqualifies the rest of the bunch here.
eemom
Well, Cole, if you must know…….WE’RE all in on it too.
Ya know those adorable pet pix everybody sends you? Those were all taken by our “owners” before….
AnotherBruce
Now we know what happened to your long missing Soros check.
Hawes
Clearly this is what happens when gay people are allowed to marry.
Ruckus
eemom
Don’t warn him! geeeeess! Now we will have to move up the timetable for the takeover.
Pococurante
Steve Martin alert:
How many people have cats? One, two, three, four…okay, ten. Now- let me ask you this…do ya trust ’em? Because I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs and I gotta get ’em right away. Just the little ones that go around the little front paws or maybe the manacles..four, to get all four paws. But what a drag; I found out my cat was embezzling from me. You think you know a cat for ten years, he pulls something like this. I found out that while I was away, he would go out to the mailbox, pick up the checks, take ’em down to the bank and cash ’em… disguised as me. He had the little kitty arrow through the head…and the little kitty bunny ears. And I wouldn’t have caught him, but I went out to his house where he sleeps…and there was about $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. Any you can’t return ’em ’cause they have spit all over them! So now I’m stuck with $3000 worth of cat toys! Oh, sure…they’re fun. You got the little rubber mouse; has a bell inside of it- Haw haw haw! Boy, I hate it when it goes under the sofa! Whoa, gimme that! Gimme that! Hiss! hiss!
soonergrunt
I love animals even more after reading this.
someofparts
Hey, I promise you cats knock things to the floor on purpose. I had one that used to do that when he wanted me to wake up. I watched him do it. Strolled along the desk, knocked something to the floor, then stared at me for a moment to see if it woke me up. If it did not, then on to the next item he went and knocked it to the floor. Then, stopped and stared at me again to see if I was awake yet. Lather, rinse, repeat. Hysterical.
Death Panel Truck
“If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they’ll murder you in your sleep.”
–Frank Zappa, Whisky A-Go-Go, December 1965
It’s not such a step up from larceny to murder, if you think about it.