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You are here: Home / Humorous / Are you a Farty McFarty Pants? Try Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers!

Are you a Farty McFarty Pants? Try Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers!

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  June 30, 20113:20 am| 19 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

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[Oh hai! Slow night! Here’s an oldie that makes me laugh every time. Enjoy or complain as you see fit! -Not!ABLxx]

Because people are tired of smelling your ass.

Is there anything worse than working in an office, letting a little stinker out only to have someone walk into your office to hand you a document or invite you for coffee?  Is there anything worse than walking into someone’s office after they clearly have released the gaseous demons, and having to pretend like you don’t notice the stank?  So you stand there trying to act normal, and trying to talk while not breathing in through your nose, and you end up sounding like you have a sinus infection.

Okay, fine, there are a lot of things that are worse.  Like BP.  Spencer Pratt.  Animal cruelty.  Justin Bieber.  Improper grammar.  Ed Hardy.  Still, swamp ass is up there on the List of Things That Suck.

Negotiating office gassy ass is tricky.

Sometimes office workers fart behind closed doors, but then they realize that they’re just going to be stewing in their own stink, so they crack their office door open,  hoping the odious smell will seep out into the hallway, and then someone in a nearby cubicle will get blamed.

Speaking of cubicles, they are a breeding ground for anonymous air biscuits, aren’t they?  All that open space with all those people crammed together?  When someone drops a bomb, it’s impossible to tell from whence the stench came.

You just sit there looking around, trying to catch the eye of as many people as you can, so you can give them the “it wasn’t me” look.

Maybe you frown and wave your hand in front of your nose, or pinch your nose to indicate that, yes, something smells in here, but no it wasn’t me because if it was me, why the fuck would I be pinching my nose and waving my hand in front of my nose while frowning?!

Suddenly everyone is looking around, eyes darting from person to person while frantically waving their hands in front of their faces until some guy in the back busts out laughing and everyone looks at him with that look — you know the one that’s usually accompanied by that “wah waaaaah!” sound — but no one is mad because he knows he did it and we love that guy anyway.

Maybe there’s some smarmy asshat with a corner office and you just can’t stand him because he’s so patronizing, and never does any work, he just talks about his super sweet ‘stache all day, and also because no, it is not your job to fix the damn printer!  PC Load Letter?  What the fuck does that mean?   So maybe you have a beef and cheese burrito for lunch, and maybe after lunch you sneak into Smarmy Guy’s office and crop dust the entire area before walking away while whistling a jaunty tune.

Or maybe you’re in an elevator full of people and as you’re exiting the elevator, you let loose an air assault, reveling in the fact that those sad jerks will be standing in a virtually airtight space, glaring at one another, trying to ferret out the pooty perp.

Or maybe you’re a Sphincter Whistler, letting a slow and steady stream of gas exit your fanny as you go about your daily life, not realizing that everyone knows you as “that girl who always smells like ass” or “that guy who wears too much colon cologne.”

I had to update this post to include this amazing picture. (H/T Eric!)

And then there are those who I like to call “gas ‘n go goblins“1:  People who walk briskly hither and yon, leaving a trail of toxic tears in their wake.  I  don’t like those people.  Nobody likes those people.

So, if you see your friend Jim walking briskly down the hallway, and you call out, “Hey, Jim!” and Jim just sort of nods at you and keeps on walking even though you’re totally yelling, “Hey, dude!  Wait up!” Well, amigo, Jim is totally crop dusting, so best stop following his stinky ass.

Well, these problems will soon be a thing of the past.  Never fear, citizens!  There’s a solution for your gaseous gurglers and your windy woes!  Introducing, the subtle butt disposable gas neutralizer!

“I use them on airplanes, after a chili meal, and even on my dog,” Kim Olenicoff, founder of Solutions That Stick, told me from the floor of Cosmoprof North America. “Some customers have even told me that it’s saved their marriage!,” she spilled. “People with IBS and food allergies definitely gravitate toward these, too.”

And just in case you’re not convinced, here’s a video that seems far too scientific for a layperson to understand:

So there you have it.  We’ve solved the gas crisis.  High five, America!

And just so you know, from here on out, whomever smelt it may not have necessarily dealt it.

***I actually just made that up.  I do, however, accuse certain people of the “fart ‘n go.”  And by “people,” I mean “Nate Dogg” who, while the love of my life, has been known to release tuchus toxins that could kill a man.  No seriously.  He once killed a man.  We pledged never to speak of it again.  Apparently, I have broken that pledge.  Sorry, Doggerson.

[Update: Pairs well with camelflage cameltoe concealer, and the magic cone.]

(H/T Natasha!)

[via Gawker]

[cross-posted]
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Reader Interactions

19Comments

  1. 1.

    hhex65

    June 30, 2011 at 3:31 am

    enough with the Michele Bachmann posts already

  2. 2.

    Brian S

    June 30, 2011 at 3:41 am

    If, on the other hand, you have a problem with ass breath, The Coup is always willing to lend a hand.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtl-k6HzWX8

  3. 3.

    drunken hausfrau

    June 30, 2011 at 4:47 am

    So, women have to wash their stinky vajayjays, and now they have to wear stinky butt pads attached to their sexy assless thong-type underwear? Hmmmm….

    It’s a bit early in the a.m., but I might need to start drinking.

  4. 4.

    Waldo

    June 30, 2011 at 5:01 am

    Damned intellectuals!

  5. 5.

    THE

    June 30, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Think of it as a form of personal jet propulsion.

  6. 6.

    Uncle Glenny

    June 30, 2011 at 5:33 am

    I was at the vet once, the dog was sitting calmly on the floor (the hysterics at being at the vet being over) when he let one loose. He looked around and did such a good “Who, me?” impression that we completely lost it.

    (sometimes I suspected that he really didn’t understand what had happened, and was truly surprised.)

    p.s. Having a dog around means there’s always someone to blame.

  7. 7.

    Ben Cisco

    June 30, 2011 at 6:05 am

    It’s funny because it’s TRUE!

  8. 8.

    Carbon Dated

    June 30, 2011 at 6:36 am

    A good dose of Lysol will ameliorate the swampiest of arseholes.

    But then you have to address the stank of Lysol.

  9. 9.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    June 30, 2011 at 7:08 am

    obvious marketing problem, the girl in the ad is too attractive. men would line up and pay money to smell her farts. they would pay even more if they were allowed to light them.

  10. 10.

    serge

    June 30, 2011 at 7:22 am

    There’s nothing so refreshing as a good, and funny, fart post early in the morning.

  11. 11.

    Nemesis

    June 30, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Its widely known that one enjoys one’s own scents.

    More big gummit trying to run my life.

    Talk about Pavlov’s Dog. We have always blamed the dog when any family member lets one loose. The dog now leaves the room immediately when he hears a fart, cuz he knows he’s gonna be blamed.

  12. 12.

    CynDee

    June 30, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Must be a slow news day . . .

  13. 13.

    Morbo

    June 30, 2011 at 8:25 am

    “You don’t have to be smart to find farts funny, but you have to be stupid not to.”

  14. 14.

    Timothy Trollenschlongen (formerly Tim, Interrupted)

    June 30, 2011 at 8:37 am

    OMG.

    OK, this was hysterically funny.

    I am always slow in the morning. What’s up with the “not” ABL thing?

  15. 15.

    Chukwu

    June 30, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Don’t you mean crap dusting?

  16. 16.

    Jimperson Zibb (formerly Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.)

    June 30, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Damn. I swear, a friend and I thought this same thing up not 3 weeks ago. Activated charcoal. We were going to call it the “Smellbinder”. I guess we’ll never rake in those millions now. I feel so violated.

  17. 17.

    Ben Nolan

    June 30, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Up at the cottage the other weekend, we were talking about how people fart their asses off at dance clubs. Between the noise and the crowds, there’s total anonymity.

  18. 18.

    ABL

    June 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    I know a guy who crapped his pants in a very messy way at Decades (cheeseball club) in DC.

    I wasn’t there, but I have heard the story told by one of my law school friends, and it is hysterical. Mostly because he unloaded as he was entering the bathroom stall, drunkenly tried to clean himself up (using toilet water in a men’s bathroom!!) while people waiting in line were all screaming about how something smelled. He then walked out of the stall with no shirt on, brown pants, and yelled “Somebody took a shit in there!” Then he strolled out.

    kills me to even think about it. My friends drove home with their heads hanging out the window.

    (i have the mentality of a four year old, it’s true.)

  19. 19.

    Jimperson Zibb (formerly Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.)

    June 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Damn, that is funny. Not the kind of thig I’d want to see–or smell–firsthand, but great to hear about afterward. How the hell did they clean out the car?

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