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You are here: Home / Politics / Politicans / Lies, Damned Lies, and Sarah Palin / Bailin’ Palin (or Why Sarah Palin’s bus tour was cancelled)

Bailin’ Palin (or Why Sarah Palin’s bus tour was cancelled)

by Sarah, Proud and Tall|  June 30, 20118:14 am| 42 Comments

This post is in: Lies, Damned Lies, and Sarah Palin, #notintendedtobeafactualstatement, Green Balloons, Midnight Confessions

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Those of you who have been reading my little posts for a while will know that I do everything I can to avoid coming into direct contact with Sarah Palin ever since I was a judge on the Miss Alaska pageant all those years ago.

After that experience, and our little plane trip together, I trust Sarah about as much as I’d trust Roman Polanski around a particularly attractive twelve year old. However, I do like to keep tabs on her and, after reading about her little bus tour, I was determined to get someone on the inside.

My dear friend and fellow Shady Pines resident Sandra Frazer volunteered. In the end it only took one phone call. Sandra crapped on about how unfair the people at Wikipedia are and how she and Marge Albrechtson are both devoted followers of Sarah and, above all, both very rich and slightly senile, and before you could say “You’re so much prettier than that Bachmann woman”, they’d been issued a personal invitation to visit Sarah in New Hampshire.

Sandra and Marge were waiting outside the Yankee Fisherman’s Cooperative in Seabrook. Marge has been skipping her meds and, while she wasn’t in a violent mood, she did keep slapping at her herself to quieten down the squirrels she’d stashed in her knickers that morning before she left Shady Pines. There was a lot of squeaking and complaining going on, although I understand most of it was coming from the pack of journalists who were also waiting there.

They’re such filthy hairy little things, always pissing themselves and biting people for no reason – by which I mean the journalists of course, not Marge’s squirrels who are generally quite well behaved.

Sarah arrived first in her SUV, followed by Todd and Piper and the rest of the entourage in the Palinbus. Sarah was very polite, especially after she spotted that big ol’ diamond ring that Sandra was wearing – the one that Jimmy Carter gave her after he broke off their affair back in 1983. Sandra said it was like one of those cartoons where Daffy Duck’s eyeballs turn into dollar signs, and Todd even had to rush in to wipe the drool off Sarah’s bottom lip. Sarah wasn’t even fazed by the two pairs of beady rodent eyes peering at her from out of Marge’s purse.

Sandra told me that Sarah was looking quite good, although she appeared to be wearing something from Donatella Versace’s Piggly Wiggly collection. Even Todd had made an effort and had worn his best Megadeth t-shirt – the one without any obvious holes.

After Sandra managed, with some difficulty, to get her hand back from Sarah, Sarah fetched Trig out of his storage box at the front of the bus where they keep him when he’s not in use, and then wandered off with him to have some photographs taken next to some dead fish.

Marge and little Piper set about making friends. The only squirrels Piper had even seen were either roadkill or food (and possibly both) and so she was quite impressed when Marge started producing them from her clothes like some slightly confused musician from Hamelin. Soon they were yammering away to each other and they both went off to talk to some lobsters in a tank out the back.

Sandra was left alone with Todd.

Now, Sandra may be 72, but she’s still a well preserved and handsome woman – the result of decades of facials made from pituitary glands untimely ripped from impoverished Cambodian orphans and a large amount of whalebone under the kind of stress that makes diamonds out of coal. She also likes her men big and dumb. Show her a Carhartt baseball cap, a farmer’s tan and an expression of amiable stupidity (cf. Jimmy Carter) and her ovaries start fizzing like Kathryn Jean Lopez in a seminary.

Todd was doing his usual thing of staring off into the distance and mumbling the lyrics of Whitesnake songs, so he didn’t notice Sandra’s quite obvious interest until she grabbed him by the front of his sweatpants, dragged him behind some convenient bushes and pounced on him like Oprah Winfrey on a baked ham.

Fifteen minutes of impassioned kissing later, Sarah arrived back at the bus with half a dozen lobsters under one arm and Trig under the other. Todd’s hair was a little askew and he was holding a clip-board carefully in front of the Little Dude, who pointedly refused to go down, but there was otherwise no sign of what had happened so far.

It was time to head off to the clambake, which was being held at the summer residence of Jeff and Elizabeth Davis, two of Sarah’s staffers, although it took a while to locate Piper, who had been playing hide and seek with Marge. She’d hidden herself in a pile of cod and no one could find her until one keen-eyed fisherman noticed that one of the cod seemed to have a bow in its hair.

Sarah and Piper and Trig and Marge all got into the SUV. They offered to give Sandra a ride too, but she begged off, saying that Todd had very kindly offered to show her his collection of velvet paintings of dogs playing poker, and so she was happy to ride with him in the bus.

Sarah was in her element, chatting to the press when she arrived at the clambake, schmoozing with such luminaries as John Sununu, and watching Piper and Marge playing Hide-the-Rodent with Trig. All was going well until halfway through the evening when Sarah realised that she hadn’t seen Todd since they left the co-op, and wandered off to find him, carrying a plate of food.

Sandra told me, with what I must say was only the merest hint of embarrassment, that when Sarah threw open the door of the bus, releasing a cloud of amyl nitrate and marijuana smoke that must have made Andrew Sullivan’s nose twitch six states away, Sandra was on top of Todd, stark naked, mid-orgasm and shouting “Ride me like Paul Revere!” at the top of her voice.

The words “wild, screaming, hair-tearing hissy fit” apparently do not begin to do justice to what then ensued.

Sarah lobbed clamshells at Todd, followed by the plate, and Sandra heard each of them hit his forehead with a pronounced thud. Sandra extracted Little Todd from her nether parts and made a break for the door, leaving behind her red Dior suit and some very new Jimmy Choos. She says that the last thing she saw before she managed to escape was Sarah advancing towards Todd brandishing a plastic spork and screaming that she was going to cut off his “fucking Levi Johnston”.

I won’t bore you with the sordid tale of how Sandra managed to convince John Sununu to lend her his limousine to get to the airport, or how in Sarah’s absence Marge cornered several journalists and started raving about squirrels and how they want to take over the country – You can expect that to be taken up as part of the Tea Party platform any day now.

In finishing, however, I will just note three things. First, that the news reports, while noting that Sarah and Todd’s motorcade managed to break several road rules after leaving that clambake, just before the Sarah Palin bus tour was “postponed” indefinitely, entirely failed to mention Todd’s amazing ability to drive a bus with one hand clamped to his crotch to staunch the bleeding.

Second – the last time I saw Sarah Palin on the television she seemed to be wearing a very nice red Dior suit and some quite adorable Jimmy Choo slingbacks, which goes to show that beggars can’t be choosers.

Finally, that Sandra came home from her last appointment with the gynecologist – menopause having been staved off for years because of all those Cambodian hormones – with a little surprise. It won’t be easy raising a baby in a retirement home, but we’ll do our best.

We’re thinking of calling it Clam.

[H/t for the image to the gorgeous Rumproasters.] [Cross posted at Sarah Proud and Tall.]
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Reader Interactions

42Comments

  1. 1.

    captwillard

    June 30, 2011 at 8:20 am

    What a waste of space.

  2. 2.

    Keith G

    June 30, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Thanks for the lift, Sarah. I will be laughing all morning.

  3. 3.

    nancydarling

    June 30, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Sarah, I’ve decided I want to be just like you when I grow up to be 93.

  4. 4.

    Tony J

    June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Big smile.

  5. 5.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    @ captwillard:

    What a waste of space.

    I love you too, you big ol’ grumpy thing.

  6. 6.

    Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen

    June 30, 2011 at 8:37 am

    I’m pleased to say I was able to remain in my chair and finish the post after I read this:

    Sarah fetched Trig out of his storage box at the front of the bus where they keep him when he’s not in use

    I will now ROFL as the kids say.

  7. 7.

    PurpleGirl

    June 30, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Another classic, SPT.

  8. 8.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    June 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

    aw, i feel bad for piper, even if she looks like a cod with a bow on its head. she is going to be the palin who ultimately cashes in, crafting a screen writing career telling the whole truth, lightly fictionalized, like diablo cody, but more raw.

  9. 9.

    Felonious Wench

    June 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

    This post now has Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” running through my head. Not sure why, but it’s somehow appropriate for Sarah.

    Freaking hilarious. Thanks for an excellent start to my day.

  10. 10.

    Lysana

    June 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I read this one aloud to my husband because he kept asking what had me laughing. Great fun!

  11. 11.

    Jado

    June 30, 2011 at 9:08 am

    I had suspicions on how easily you reference the effects of marijuana and amyl nitrate, and this post confirms them. Seek amateur help, cause you need serious chemical therapy.

    Hilarious

  12. 12.

    Annie

    June 30, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Can’t stop laughing — “Little Dude” is priceless. Thanks for a great way to start the day :)

  13. 13.

    horatius

    June 30, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Sarah, you are a national treasure. Can we move you to the Smithsonian?

  14. 14.

    Brian R.

    June 30, 2011 at 9:21 am

    OT, but Mark Halperin is a dick.

  15. 15.

    Han's Solo

    June 30, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Sarah fetched Trig out of his storage box at the front of the bus where they keep him when he’s not in use,

    That is too freaking awesome! His name really should have been “Prop”.

  16. 16.

    mellowjohn

    June 30, 2011 at 9:24 am

    really, brian r., this comes as a surprise to you?

    and as for you, sarah darlin’, i do enjoy your little reports. please ignore comment #1.

  17. 17.

    Keith G

    June 30, 2011 at 9:30 am

    ..releasing a cloud of amyl nitrate and marijuana smoke that must have made Andrew Sullivan’s nose twitch six states away..

    One hour later and I am still giggling.

  18. 18.

    JCJ

    June 30, 2011 at 9:32 am

    I believe this may be your best effort yet. The best part is that it is all much more believable than Palin’s story about how long she was in labor and flying all over the place after her water broke with Prop, I mean Trig.

  19. 19.

    Brian R.

    June 30, 2011 at 9:33 am

    No, no, I already knew he was a dick.

    I just thought he was smart enough not to call the president a dick, on national TV, with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

    He needs to be fired. Now.

  20. 20.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    June 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Mean and dumb is indeed forever, but she’s got that beady eyed cunning of a born grifter. I’m still giggling at Sullivan’s nose twitching six states away. Merci, Madame.

  21. 21.

    geg6

    June 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Brian R. @15:

    You beat me to it. I was gonna go with Mark Halperin: Dick or Biggest Dick Ever? Discuss.

  22. 22.

    Han's Solo

    June 30, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Brian R. @15: Not just a dick, he’s also a moronic dick. Which makes him… a modern day Republican.

    Keep in mind, Halperin is fuckwit that said John McCain’s not knowing how many houses he owns is bad news FOR OBAMA.

    TPM used to have a commenter named Idiotic that would claim anything, no matter how toxic, was Great News for McCain. The difference being Idiotic was joking, Halperin isn’t even as bright as a person who calls themselves (in jest I’d bet) Idiotic.

  23. 23.

    BO_Bill

    June 30, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Women are more civil than men and, once we allow them to serve in Senate and Cabinet positions, there will be no more war.

  24. 24.

    Tone In DC

    June 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Sarah, great post. “Todd’s Megadeth tee without any obvious holes…” Oh AYUH.

    One thing. I usually am not the syntax/grammar police, but this line reads “Sarah wasn’t even phased by the two pairs of beady rodent eyes peering at her from out of Marge’s purse.” Might want to changed that to fazed.

    I now return to my regularly scheduled guffawing.

  25. 25.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    June 30, 2011 at 10:06 am

    @ Tone in DC:

    I love a good pedant, my dear, and you are entirely correct. Thankyou.

  26. 26.

    Josie

    June 30, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I hope everyone who is disgusted with Halperin’s comment will write to msnbc and express their feelings (even if we feel it will be ignored).

  27. 27.

    nancydarling

    June 30, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Josie, I just pressed the send button on my email to msnbc.

  28. 28.

    Bobby Thomson

    June 30, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Oh yeah, right. Like John Sununu would be caught dead near Sarah Palin.

  29. 29.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    June 30, 2011 at 10:38 am

    @ Bobby Thompson:

    Palin’s tour has been attracting interest at every stop. It even caught the attention of former Gov. John Sunnunu, who arrived at the clambake on Thursday evening after spending part of the day at former Gov. Mitt Romney’s formal campaign kick-off earlier in the day at a New Hampshire farm.

    Sounds like a fun day for him. Maybe he just likes clambakes?

  30. 30.

    nancydarling

    June 30, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Halperin has just been suspended “indefinitely”. Sorry for the Huff Post link.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/30/mark-halperin-calls-obama-a-dick_n_887604.html

  31. 31.

    dr. bloor

    June 30, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Sarah, you are the wind beneath my wings.

    The next time Sandra and Marge are in New England, they must stop in Providence. I’ll set them up in Buddy Cianci’s old suite at the Biltmore, and they can kick back with Dom Perignon and Quahogs until they bust a gut. (Sadly, Marge will have to leave the squirrels at home. The Biltmore’s pet policy is quite liberal, except the staff is prone to PTSD-like flashbacks anytime they see something that reminds them of Buddy’s toupees.)

  32. 32.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    June 30, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Donatella Versace’s Piggly Wiggly collection

    * dies, laughing. *

  33. 33.

    bjacques

    June 30, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Oh, yes!

    You had me at “You’re so much prettier than that Bachmann woman.”

  34. 34.

    Paris

    June 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    This makes much more sense than my theory that they ran out of meth and had to hoof it back to Wasilla to whip up a new batch.

  35. 35.

    George

    June 30, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    So, you’re some kind of fabulist then?

  36. 36.

    Joey Maloney

    June 30, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    George, she’s EVERY kind of fabulous!

  37. 37.

    JerseyJeffersonian

    June 30, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    The appropriate song for Sandra and Todd’s little tryst?

    Why, this one:

    http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/ilikethe.htm (Lyrics)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEU_5lVjRFQ (The ditty)

  38. 38.

    cynickal

    June 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Ivar Haglund would be proud (though he wasn’t very tall).

  39. 39.

    Tehanu

    June 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Donatella Versace’s Piggly Wiggly collection.

    Priceless. Where can I get a catalog?

    And Paris @35 — I like your theory too, although it’s not quite as hilarious.

  40. 40.

    LanceThruster

    June 30, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    2GD funny!

  41. 41.

    Jay in Oregon

    June 30, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Sarah fetched Trig out of his storage box at the front of the bus where they keep him when he’s not in use

    This reminds me of TBogg’s name for Sarah Palin’s bus tour, “Touch Trig For A Dollar”…

    http://static1.firedoglake.com/29/files/2011/05/trigbus.jpg

    (That is intended as praise, for the record.)

  42. 42.

    Brachiator

    July 1, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Mocking Palin, acceptable.

    Mocking Palin’s children, despicable.

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