Writing about the follies of his lordship, the Third Viscount of Self-Delusion, brought to mind the terrible pun me old mum* used to relish whenever excessive aristocratic pretension loomed.
It runs like this:
Q: If a centipede a pint…
…And a millipede a quart,
How much has the philanthropist?
A: Quite a lot, for he’s a very liberal peer.
That’s what I got. You?
Oh, and BTW: this is not punishment; it’s an open thread.
*You may infer from the adjective that me mum is also the late Mrs. Levenson. Woe be the miscreant that misdirected the epithet “old” so carelessly whist she was capable of wielding her tongue and wit…
Image: Kuniyoshi Utagawa, The Dragon Princess, 1845.
(In this scene, the Dragon Princess rises from the water to bid Hidesato, standing on the shore of lake Biwa with his bow, to rid the lake of the giant centipede Seta.)
Well, I just cringed at this TPM headline: “HOMOMENTUM!”
Really? Boss is on vacation one day and they go the full Daily Show.
Dog, I never have any idea what you are talking about.
Nothing but a battle between the AC and the heat index here in Chicagoland. And it’s going to get worse. 98 on Thursday, and dripping wet.
The timer had the thermostat at 80 when I got home. 3 hours ago. 79 now. Heat 1, AC 0.
In other news, I live in a downright surreal political world.
I think you may be digging for a whole lot more meaning than my baked-not-broiled brain is capable of dishing out.
@Tom Levenson: You’re in Boston. Your bean is supposed to be baked.
Perhaps you are right. Don’t over think the room.
Staying within the political arena, if Lady Sarah Of The North had a speech that read similarly boring forwards and backwards, would that be a Palindrone?
Ughh, between Herman Cain and this joker, if these are the faces of Black Conservatives, I wouldn’t want any part of them… (I say this as an AA woman)
Allen West tirade: Wasserman-Schultz ‘vile…despicable…not a Lady’
Speaking of baked, I have, for your enjoyment, a video of armed thieves attempting to rob a smoke shop in LA. Now that right there is kind of funny (OK, not really), but these unsavory types were foiled in the act, and forced to run for their lives from…a fearsome chihuahua!
Who needs a pit bull?
I can hardly stand TPM anymore. It’s practically useless.
Air conditioner tip: If you’ve got central a/c, go outside, get a hose and hose off the outside condenser/compressor unit. Clean all the dirt and leaves and dust and anything else off the coils. A clean condenser is much more efficient. Also make sure your filters are clean.
How soon before Louis Gohmert introduces legislation requiring the government to dump dirt on your air conditioner condenser coils?
Thanks, Violet, but I dug deep and have a new furnace AND an allegedly bad-ass AC compressor as of…NOW! (At least in terms of HVAC systems.)
And while my AC may be getting its ass kicked by the heat, it is simultaneously whupping up bad on my OLD AC unit, which was a true POS.
Currently listening to Anna Calvi. I can’t imagine this being a lasting contribution to civilization, an album release that I’ll look back on and remember decades from now. It is pleasant though, an enjoyable way to pass the time while water runs down the glass containing my Pimm’s cup.
It’s possible that with enough listens I could get something new from it, and certainly my favourite albums tend to be those than break upon me like a sunrise instead of a thunderstorm. I’m just not counting on it.
I don’t know WTF you just said,
little kidTom Levenson, but you special, man.
It took me MANY tries to get something joke-like out of that. (For anyone else on the slow track like me, concentrate on “-pede,” “-pist,” and “peer,” i.e., “pee-er.”)
In a similar vein, much appreciated in my family:
Once there was a family of skunks: a Mama, a Daddy, and two children named ‘In’ and ‘Out.’ One day Mama Skunk couldn’t find In anywhere, so she asked Out to help search. Sure enough, Out found his brother and brought him home. Relieved, Mama asked, “I was so worried. How did you find him?” Out said, “Instinct.”
That’s an interesting pun, because I was just wishing that the pie thrower had thrown a baggie of piss at His Evilness instead of a pie.
@ lamh34: Wow, what a thin-skinned punk West is. She criticized his positions, didn’t attack him personally at all, and he responds with nothing but insults.
Don’t know how long you’ve had the a/c unit, but my a/c guy says he cleans his outside condenser once a month. So if it’s been longer than that you might want to do it anyway. Seems like three hours to drop one degree is a very long time even in 98 degree heat (I live in that heat all summer, so I’m somewhat familiar…).
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
(from a Monthy Python’s sketch)
Oh my shit, I just got it. Tom, my Dad would groan at that one, and he’s a Dad jokes kind of guy.
Your joke reminds me of one I used to find extremely funny when I was about eight years old:
There were four puppies in a litter. Their names were Spot, Rover, Tramp and Paderewski.
Why would you call a little puppy Paderewski?
Because he was the pianist of them all!
ETA: I have always, actually, pronounced that word “pee-AN-ist” but whenever I hear someone say “PEE-uh-nist” I flash back to that stupid childhood joke.
Yeah, this part was really astonishing:
WTF? A woman has to be a “Lady” to deserve respect? What kind of bizarre, antiquated, sexist nonsense is that? By those ancient rules, he’s a black man and therefore not deserving of respect. Does he want to play that way?
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
My G-d, that Wikipedia article on the de-hereditization of the House of Lords that Yurpean linked to reads like the list of characters in a Wodehouse story: the Earl of Clancarty, Viscount Oxfuird, Baroness Strange, Baroness Darcy de Knayth, Viscount Bledisloe, Lord Strabolgi, Earl Alexander of Tunis, and the Earl of Stair. They may not be upper-class twits, but they certainly quack like them.
It got up to 74 here today, whew.
Davis X. Machina
The first grownup political joke I got was back in the early sixties when Francis X. Bellotti (D) was running for governor of Massachusetts against Endicott ‘Chub’ Peabody (D) in the Democratic primary. The joke was “Name four towns named after Chub Peabody.” Answer: “Endicott, Peabody, and Marblehead, and Athol.” (Endicott’s actually part of Dedham, IIRC.)
The primary election was a tong war — ethnic v. wasp, BC Law v. Harvard Law, us v. them… and the result was we let John Volpe (R) back into the governorship.
Peabody was an interesting person — commuted every death sentence given during his term, had an elderly mom who kept getting arrested down South protesting racial discrimination, ran in the ’72 New Hampshire primary for Vice-President….
ouch, only joke that came down in my family is “How can I have molasses when I ain’t had nolasses yet?” Clearly in the prole twit of the year running here.
ETA: oh, and I’m facing Chicago with nothing but a few fans and, praise be, a few blocks from the lake to save me. This may be the last anyone ever hears of me.
Sadly, Tom, I have no puns for you, bad or otherwise. I do have a speculative question for the readership. What with all the arrests of Anonymous volunteers today, what are the chances that Matokoloco is spending the night in jail?
Oh, and can you tell Cole that I need some Lily pix? Kthnxbai.
I am listening to a BBC podcast of the parliamentary hearings on the hacking scandal today. I am struck by how frail the older Murdoch sounds like. He sounds so old and confused. I wonder why would anyone trust him with running a huge company. His son James sounds so fake and what’s up with that fake accent?
Oh, and if it’s any comfort to the Midwesterners, Pittsburgh will be joining you ion the misery index tomorrow. Weathemen are predicting mid to high nineties with similar levels of humidity. Crap.
Very little. She might have downloaded loic and tried to use it, but I would guess the arrests were targeted at the people who released it, not the people too stupid to read the source of a tool like that before using it.
Of course I could be wrong and they just got the little fish.
Davis @ 25 reminded me of a joke for you Chicagoans:
Did you know that there are 3 street name in Chicago that rhyme with the word ‘vagina’?
Malvina, Paulina, and Lunt.
[Almost bought a house on Malvina. Was SO disappointed it didn’t work out . . . just because of the joke.]
what do elephants come in?
Oh, no. You don’t want to get started on elephants. :-)
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the strawberry patch.
@Linda Featheringill: Elephants?
It’s all talk
That’s a pun? I didn’t get it.
In other news: Ladies, there’s hope for your SCARY VAGINAS!
what do elephants come in?
I DON’T GET IT! WHAAAH!
Q: how did Hitler tie his shoes?
A: In little Nazis.
Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen
I’m rooting for the Dragon Princess because I fucking hate centipedes.
Consider yourself lucky. Damn. That’s actually quite nasty.
The Republic of Stupidity
Whoa… another feather in Lord Monckton’s cap…
In addition to NOT being a climatologist… he’s now officially NOT a member of the House of Lords…
Has anyone ever managed to get that in writing before?
The Republic of Stupidity
@Comrade Colette Collaboratrice:
You forgot one…
His Lordship the Viscount St. Austell-in-the-Moor Biggleswade-Brixham
No puns to offer, but I recently heard a question more frightening than “Who is John Galt?”
I was discussing movies with a co-worker and she asked me:
“Who is John Cleese?”
Actually, the mean volume of elephant ejaculate is just under an ounce (27 mL +\- 4 mL.)
Since it is open thread about this link
Great article about what the hell is going to happen if we don’t raise the debt ceiling..
@Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen:
Is that a beer joke?
If some guy tells me that the pun is the lowest form of humor, I’ll kick him in the balls.
And laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
What do you get when you cross a elephant and a computer?
A great big know-it-all.
Why did the elephant take a nap in the chandelier?
He wanted to be a light sleeper.
Why did the two elephants sit back to back, a mile apart from each other?
They were pretending to be bookends.
What did Tarzan say when he saw four elephants come over the hill?
“Here come four elephants over hill.”
What did Tarzan say when he saw four elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.
How many elephants can you get into a Nissan Leaf?
Five. Two in the back seat, two in the front seat, and one in the glove compartment.
How many giraffes can you get into a Nissan Leaf?
None. It’s full of elephants.
Two little clams, Sam and Fred, loved to walk along the beach highway together, talking over the day. One day a car came along and ran right over Sam. Fred was very upset, but he kept up the daily walks to remember his old friend Sam. A couple of years later, that same car came along and whammo, Fred’s dead.
So he goes up to the Pearly Gates and there’s St. Peter Clam. He tells Fred that of course he’s welcome to come in, but Heaven has found that a probationary period helps new little angel clams get adjusted, so for the first month, he has to return all his heavenly uniform pieces at the end of the day. So St. Peter Clam gives him a halo, a harp, and a brand-new set of wings. Fred then asks about his old friend Sam, and St. Peter Clam says, “Oh, sure, he owns the dance club about three blocks down on the left. But be sure to be back here at the end of the day.”
So Fred walks down three blocks and there old Sam is, and my, what a good time they have catching up. But suddenly Fred says, “What time is it?” and Sam says, “Oh, my goodness, it’s almost the end of the day,” and Fred says “Gotta go,” and scuttles on back down to the Pearly Gates just in the nick of time. St. Peter Clam chuckles and then says, “OK, where’s your halo?” and Fred hands it in. “Where’s your wings?” and Fred forks them over. “And where’s your harp?”
“Oh, no!” said Fred. “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”
Have some faith in Our National Security Workers — it’ll turn out to be a bunch of lowest-level supporters, some people whose unsecured wireless networks were ‘borrowed’ by their next-door neighbors, a few sullen teenagers whose parents just wanted to get them out of the basement, and a couple guys who don’t even have computers but “came up as suspicious according to our lastest metrics package”.
Tom, another one your mom probably knew:
When did Victoria reign over China?
Every time she used the chamber pot!