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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Still tote gats strapped with infrared beams

Still tote gats strapped with infrared beams

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Some of you have said that Rick Perry is not that crazy to strap “on his laser-sighted, hollow-point-bullet-loaded pistol whenever he goes jogging“, given the risk of mountain lions and such in the areas where he jogs. But try a google image search for “rick perry guns” and you’ll see some stuff. I wonder if we’ve reached the point where Republican politics takes on the general ethos of gangsta rap. Steve M has written about this before, in the context of Huntsman’s doomed candidacy:

Huntsman is like a rapper who isn’t gangsta, doesn’t want to be gangsta, and knows that some of the people making their name on gangsta don’t want you to know that they have problems with “authenticity.” The problem is, Huntsman is like M.C. Hammer — a family-friendly rapper with mass-market dance moves and baggy pants — and he’s certain that, sooner or later, people are going to get tired of all the songs about gangbanging, and what they’ll want instead is … him and his G-rated rhymes and his dance moves and clown pants. Because that was popular before gangsta.

I’m not sure how far to take this analogy — I think running campaign ads that get censored by tv and radio would be a good idea, I think that getting a Reagan tat is maybe taking it all too far (but only maybe).

Huntsman’s not going to try at all and I think that Romney’s attempts will end like this:

As the band digs into the dance funk groove of “My Secret Touch,” the singer tomcats his way across the stage. Macho and menacing in tight black jeans, white muscle T-shirt and black leather jacket, he drops his rich tenor to a low-down growl for the song’s climactic refrain—which brings screams of pleasure from the overwhelmingly female audience in Columbus, Ohio. “Tell no…body…’ bout our secret” he urges. “Tell no…body…’bout our love.”

No, this is not George Michael doing his Barry White impression. This libidinous creature with the secret touch is the hot new model Donny Osmond.

Reader Interactions

98Comments

  1. 1.

    sb

    None of you are going to want to hear this. I’m not sure I even like typing it.

    But Donny Osmond recorded some really great songs.

  6. 6.

    Ian

    It is a pity. If we had more R’s like Huntsman this country might not be totally skull ******. Huntsman will not get anywhere in the primaries because anyone who would vote for sanity left the republican party long long ago.

  9. 9.

    Samara Morgan

    i said before that the teabaggers are anger whiggahs…pudgy white bread that wants to be cool black angry rappstahs.

  10. 10.

    Steve M.

    And I say this not just because you quoted me — this is brilliant:

    I think running campaign ads that get censored by tv and radio would be a good idea, I think that getting a Reagan tat is maybe taking it all too far (but only maybe).

    I’m amazed the freshman class in the House didn’t all get Reagan tats en masse. Or maybe an abdomen tattoo in Gothic letters of “The power to tax is the power to destroy.”

  11. 11.

    Hunter Gathers

    Mittens would have to get caught smoking a blunt while getting a ‘Thug Life’ tattoo in order to be as ‘hip’ as Donny Osmond. And I’m talking Donny and Marie circa 1978 levels of hip. Mittens would be out of place at your local Rotary Club meeting.

  12. 12.

    Raven (formerly stuckinred)

    “Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People’s pockets. Human beings my friend.”

    Mitt today in Iowa

  17. 17.

    Citizen_X

    Gangsta, huh?

    Candidate R: “I shot a coyote!”

    Candidate D: “Hm. I killed Bin Laden.”

  18. 18.

    kindness

    Jesus that is so juvenile. I’m more worried about rattlesnakes than I am about Mountain lions or coyotes. And needing a gun to feel safe? Dude, throw a fucking rock at the thing, swing a stick. No need to tote your manliness in a holster unless you have other small issues your worried about…..Oh….yea. Maybe he’s hung like a hamster.

  22. 22.

    Ol' Dirty DougJ

    @Steve M.:

    I’m amazed the freshman class in the House didn’t all get Reagan tats en masse.

    I’m sure there are ‘baggers out there who have.

  23. 23.

    trollhattan

    Ah yes, the vast and dreaded Texas puma population kills and eats two, three-dozen jogging Texans annually. You can look it up.

    Perry’s pre-jog prayer:

    “Dear Lord, protect me from your predatory critters during my forthcoming run. And if you should choose to test me with one of your many splendid flesh-eating wild beasts, do please instruct them to come towards me from the front (which, you normally never have them do) so that I may see them in sufficient time to retrieve, aim and discharge my holy pistol* and smite them in their clawed tracks.–Amen”

    *Indicates lasery sidearm, not li’l Ricky.

  24. 24.

    jl

    I guess it might be Perry, if Mitt ‘Corporations are people, my friend’ Romney goes over as well in other places like he is going over in Iowa.

    Romney: “Corporations are people, my friend”
    TPM
    Josh Marshall, August 11, 2011
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2011/08/ooops_5.php?ref=fpblg

    I guess a vulture capitalist like Romney is not the lesser peoples’ cup of tea these days. And the crazy teabagger primary voters will probably like Perry more than Romney.

  27. 27.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    I don’t know why but I find the possibility of losing to a Perry, Bachmann or Palin less depressing than losing to a Romney or Huntsman. If Obama loses to one of the big 3 nutjobs I feel that there is nothing that could’ve been done to change the outcome. If folks don’t recoil in horror over the thought of those three morons in the oval office, really, what could’ve been done to change minds? With Romney or Huntsman they’ll be able to claim that they thought they were so moderate or they were impressed with their business record prior to the election or whatever milquetoast bullshit the always Republican voting “moderate centrists” offer up. But not so with one of the major clowns. Palin and Bachmann are well known idiots and Perry is too “Texas” to water down the “Moron Cowboy” image he has worked so hard to build up.

    I’m actually counting on the Tea Party to hold form and force the nomination of the one of the big 3 morons. They were willing and able to force the establishment to fuck with the debt ceiling and they’re going to be fired up to force the establishment to either nominate the whackjob or suffer from low turnout. Tea Partiers look back at 2008 and think if only it was a “Palin-Palinesque” ticket they would have won. They never think “if only we had paired McCain with someone more moderate than Palin.”

  28. 28.

    beltane

    @Southern Beale: Dear God, he looks just like a character out of a 1970’s Western parody. It looks like the GOP has descended into the type of pure, bathhouse camp that went out of style in the early ’80s. Back then, there were clubs with names like “The Mine Shaft”. Now, we have fundie mega-churches cum massage parlors/coffee bars with weird sounding names. Is there really any difference?

  29. 29.

    Paul W.

    Too many music references I don’t understand, especially the last few. Can someone explain what Doug J just said (and yes, I know that I have revealed what an ignorant SOB I really am when it comes to music).

  32. 32.

    Raven (formerly stuckinred)

    These LDS Church members account for about 2% of California’s population. In a letter dated June 29, 2008, Mormon leaders in Salt Lake City called for church members to work hard to pass Proposition 8 in California. Proposition 8 is a proposed Constitutional Amendment that would change the state constitution to define marriage as being between a man and a woman.

  35. 35.

    priscianusjr

    @sb:

    Donny Osmond recorded some really great songs.

    I have no problem with that. I judge music as music, not image. And I like any kind of music, so long as it’s good.
    Neil Sedaka recorded some really great songs too.

  36. 36.

    jl

    @28 J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    I think it is unlikely that Jeb Bush is different enough from GW to overcome the recent GHW Bush son unpleasantness and win, but I can see how it is possible.

    Perry seems just too much like GW: a self righteous swaggering fake cowboy Texan, and male ditz. Not demonstrably less crazy than Palin or Bachmann, probably in between in terms of anything a sane person would recognize as smarts (Bachmann > Perry > Palin).

  37. 37.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Stefan: I heard Donny, Marie and Mittens himself are going to join forces and put on a play about how raising taxes on corporations makes Baby Jeebus and Moroni cry. It’s going to be called ‘A Whine For All Seasons’, and will be performed at your local high school gym for the princely donation of $50 to the ‘Leave The Corporations Alone!’ super PAC. Pre-order now and Mittens will pretend that you grabbed his ass and croon ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’.

  38. 38.

    Judas Escargot

    Slightly OT, stupid gun question: Isn’t a handgun just going to piss off a cougar mountain lion?

    ETA: Edited out inadvertent milf joke.

  40. 40.

    Warren Terra

    Some of you have said that Rick Perry is not that crazy to strap “on his laser-sighted, hollow-point-bullet-loaded pistol whenever he goes jogging“, given the risk of mountain lions and such in the areas where he jogs.

    He should carry a god-damn air horn, if he’s so worried. A laser-sighted air horn with a hollow-point bullet taped to it, if necessary.

  42. 42.

    lamh32

    @Raven (formerly stuckinred): Romney Commits Major Gaffe
    by BooMan

    Heres’ the converstation:

    “ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make — and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare — are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
    ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on —
    AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they’re not!
    ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
    AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
    ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
    AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
    ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People’s pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That’s not the approach that I would take.

    Corporations are not people, which is why the audience just laughed at Romney. But they are treated as if they were people in a variety of legal circumstances…

  46. 46.

    jl

    @29 beltane

    So, the collection of viable GOP male candidates will resemble the Village People, minus the unionized trades?

  48. 48.

    trollhattan

    @jl:

    I think it is unlikely that Jeb Bush is different enough from GW to overcome the recent GHW Bush son unpleasantness and win, but I can see how it is possible.

    For a couple of years after Dub’s reelection I started seeing “Jeb!” bumper stickers around town (3,000 miles from Florida). What a great idea: extending the Bush legacy awhile longer.

    After the ’06 election that trend evaporated. He’d need a heavy makeover and elocution lessons to erase all reminders of his brother. They’re too close at present.

  49. 49.

    Paul in KY

    @Samara Morgan: I liked the line ‘must have at least 19″ chrome alloy wheels regardless of make’

    I have seen that here in the KY. Actually worse looking than that was when they would put little gokart sized wheels on a regular sized car. That looked even stupider.

  54. 54.

    trollhattan

    @kindness:

    I guess we should all be thankful he isn’t carrying around the blessed holy hand gernade jogging.

    “Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.”

  57. 57.

    Paul in KY

    @Judas Escargot: Depends on the caliber. Some would just piss them off, some would blow off their head (although jogging with one of those would be quite the aerobic workout).

  58. 58.

    uptown

    @kindness: Where I used to run in the hills of California, the rattlesnakes would be sunning themselves…you just ran around them. Sometimes they would bother to shake a rattle at me, but they’re so used to runners they didn’t really notice.

  60. 60.

    gbear

    I don’t know why but I find the possibility of losing to a Perry, Bachmann or Palin less depressing than losing to a Romney or Huntsman.

    Can you imagine how depressing that makes life for Tim Pawlenty these days?

  61. 61.

    Warren Terra

    @Raven (formerly stuckinred):

    @kindness: Fuckin claymore would be good.

    Is that the directional antipersonnel mine, or the four-foot-long two-handed sword? Because if it’s the latter, I’d totally pay to see the confrontation with the saber-toothed tiger that Perry’s defenders envisage.

  62. 62.

    Roger Moore

    @Samara Morgan:

    as hard as they try to mainstream, mormons all people who believe in the supernatural are still weird.

    FTFY. It doesn’t matter what your particular brand is, any belief system that assumes the existence of unprovable supernatural events is just plain strange. The only reason religion isn’t treated as a mental illness is because believers outnumber nonbelievers.

  63. 63.

    beltane

    Perry/Bachmann would be an incredibly strong ticket. Who among us wouldn’t welcome the knowledge that our country was being led by the smoking hot threesome of Rick, Marcus and Michele? Come to Jeebus, my friends.

  64. 64.

    Samara Morgan

    @Stefan:

    Er, yes. That was the joke.

    oh, pardon. mybad.
    i have a hard time telling what is and what isnt a joke on this blog.
    After all, Cole frontpages glibertarian shitheads like de Bore and Kain.

  65. 65.

    kindness

    @Raven (formerly stuckinred): I was out trail biking with my dogs a couple years ago & my pups (were running off leash or course) must have come upon a coyote den because the next thing I knew my two dogs were sprinting past me the other way and two angry coyotes were trailing them. Coyotes will attack dogs but not usually when there is more than one & never when a human is there. These two saw me, went off about 40 yards and made sure we didn’t go past the hay bales piled where my pups had originally found the coyotes.

    Na, coyotes are way more scared of us than we are of them. Around my house the neighborhood cats have to be careful running around in the farm fields behind us cause I see coyotes there lots. They run when they see me though.

    @trollhattan: Thank you. I was waiting for the Monty Python reference.

  67. 67.

    Raven (formerly stuckinred)

    @kindness: My dad had two big black labs in North Phoenix and he was scared to death of the Coyotes. I don’t know how the labs felt.

  72. 72.

    wrb

    I chased a cougar out of the yard the other day. It wasn’t bravery, just pure paternal instinct. He was among our horses goats and sheep. So I swelled up, roared and went at him.

    Cougars have taken 9 of our critters in the past couple of months. Been a hard season for lots of reasons.

  74. 74.

    kindness

    @Warren Terra: I’m not so worried about me running into the snakes as my dogs. They chase anything if I’m not right there to call ’em off it. I’ve seen them go after big garter snakes, but I always make sure the snake gets away. With a rattlesnake, I might not be quick enough. Yea, I live close to La Grange & Knights Ferry and if I want to go up into the hills I will go above Sonora and this year has been a bumper year for snakes. Lots of rain this spring.

  76. 76.

    taylormattd

    Jesus H. Christ, Doug. You have an unparalleled ability to select absolutely horrifying quotes from these douchebags. It’s impressive really.

  77. 77.

    Paul in KY

    @jeffreyw: It is curved & the concave part is the ‘back’.

    Don’t stand behind it though when it goes off as there is a bit of blowback when it detonates.

  78. 78.

    srv

    given the risk of mountain lions and such in the areas where he jogs

    Oh good god, mountain lion sightings around Austin are like chupacabra reports.

    And the gun won’t help if Waste Management decides he needs more of a warning than W did.

  80. 80.

    Samara Morgan

    @Roger Moore: so fucking what?
    its hardwired. see Dr. Atran, In Gods We Trust.

    and all most westerners know about Islam is that it makes them cuckoo-bananas.
    do you know why?
    because Islam is an EGT uninvadable strategy, and fear and loathing is the only defense.
    :)

  81. 81.

    Ash Can

    So we have a moron packing heat while jogging. Yup. That’ll end well, all right. Maybe we should start a pool on how many gentleman parts end up getting shot off, and in what order.

  86. 86.

    canuckistani

    I learned respect for Donny Osmond when he did the dancing in Weird Al’s White and Nerdy video.

  87. 87.

    aimai

    I won’t admire Perry until he’s running with a pair of six guns. Just one gun sounds unbalanced, to me.

    aimai

  88. 88.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @aimai: According to Chuck Connors in “The Rifleman” TV series, wearing a two gun rig usually is a sign insecurity.

  90. 90.

    nastybrutishntall

    “Shit. I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.” -Gov. Rick Perry

  92. 92.

    pragmatism

    @Paul W.: Notorious B.I.G. aka Biggie Smalls aka Big Poppa aka Frank White letting everyone know that just because he has moved from the drug trade to the rap game, it doesn’t mean he is not armed at all times if you plan on robbing him (or “sticking him for his paper”). Literal translation, “I still carry guns which have infrared targeting systems”.

  94. 94.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    ya know, the failure of this analogy lies in the implication that all hip hop, or “rap” as the boomers call it, is either about cap’n crunch, basketball, young mc, mc hammer, or some other old school relic, or the “gangsta” genre which in and of itself is something of a relic.

    now i’m not saying that the gop isn’t gangsta.

    i am just saying, huntsman could be like underground, like blueprint.

  97. 97.

    miwome

    Sigh. If Huntsman is trying to go “not gangsta but! It’s okay!” up in this primary, his role model should really be Kanye, not MC Hammer. Alas, it’s not to be.

    I feel like this is the beginning of a really great game where I substitute a rapper for every politician I can think of. I need to stop before I keep myself up all night doing this.

  98. 98.

    JWL

    Does Huntsman or Romney literally believe in the existence of “angels”?

    More specifically, does either believe that one introduced “itself” to Joseph Smith? (“Hi! Nice to meet you! The name is Moroni!)”.

    The question is neither shrill, nor inappropriate. An individual who aspires to the presidency should be willing to answer it candidly.

    Is it wrong to inquire?

    No.

    It would be wrong not to.

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