I’m treating tonight like Friday as this is a four day week-end, so if you expect something substantive from me, move on. I do want to pass on this little tale:
A repeat public indecency offender has been arrested for allegedly engaging in “sexual activity” with a pink inflatable swimming pool raft, according to Hamilton police.
Edwin Charles Tobergta, 32, was arrested at his Harmon Avenue home early Sunday after he was spotted in the act in an alley in the 1800 block of Howell Avenue behind a residence, a police report shows.
A male witness, who owns the raft and lives in the home near the alley, told Hamilton Police Officer William Thacker he shouted at the suspect to stop.
Tobergta took the raft and fled, the report states.
When police caught up with him, he admitted to the crime and begged for help, according to police.
Putting aside the sadness factor of him begging for help, I’m not sure what is my favorite part of the story. That he was having sex with a raft, that it wasn’t his raft, or that when he was caught, before running, he made sure to take the raft with him. But wait, it gets better:
According to court records, he has four other public indecency charges in Hamilton Municipal Court and another in Butler County.
In one public indecency case in 2002, he was caught having sex with an inflatable pumpkin that was part of a Halloween display.
What happened in the eight years that made him go from a pumpkin to a raft?
And if all you are going to do is tell me I am horrible person and should not be snickering at this, I completely agree. I’m a horrible person.
(via)
arguingwithsignposts
I’ll just help you out here:
ETA: on topic, you didn’t mention what legislative body this republican serves in.
fhtagn
Who would ever have thought that Rick Santorum was really named Edwin Tobergta?
harlana
@arguingwithsignposts: I know it’s a tag, but Fucksaw? 8)
Captain Haddock
Hey, whatever floats your boat…
Oh yeah!
arguingwithsignposts
@harlana: I just add the tags, I don’t make them.
Also, at least it’s an ethos.
I saw what you did there? ;P
BGinCHI
Inflatable pumpkin is a gateway fetish inflatable fuck object, obviously.
Leadpipe
I have to figure the raft had more flexibility than a pumpkin.besides he’d have to wait two months for the neighbor to put out the pumpkin
BGinCHI
Great title post too. If you can’t hear Goodman yelling it, I feel sorry for you.
Although technically it was Smokey who was over the line. In a league match, no less.
I mean, it’s not Vietnam. There are rules.
JPL
@harlana: In fairness, that particular thread didn’t include of the different ways to express fuck.
Dennis SGMM
The pumpkin requested flowers and a candle lit dinner?
LosGatosCA
Hey, whatever floats your
boat…raft.FTFY
JPL
Edwin seems to have a color fetish. First orange and then pink. What’s next a purple flamingo?
JenJen
Living in southwestern Ohio is like having front row seats to a never-ending fail parade.
Keith G
Obama “caved”?
/snark
Hungry Joe
Man, an inflatable raft. In an alley. “Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. … There are rules.”
gocart mozart
Not even the courtesy of a reach around . . .
gocart mozart
I bet you it was a boy raft also.
inventor
Inflatable pumpkins are the gateway…Don’t let this guy near NY on Thanksgiving.
Joshua Norton
He obviously raised his standards.
Omnes Omnibus
@gocart mozart: How can you tell?
singfoom
To be fair to the man, the raft was only half-inflated and didn’t even have a cover on. It was asking for it!
I’m going to imagine this person somehow imprinted on some kind of inanimate object when he hit puberty. Poor guy.
Don’t covet thy neighbors raft.
gocart mozart
@Keith G:
In the Obama economy, preverts can no longer afford inflatable pumpkins even.
[The above sentence has never before been written I’m pretty sure]
arguingwithsignposts
@gocart mozart: those rafts weren’t laughing.
ETA, and OT: Apparently, Jack White recorded a song with Insane Clown Posse. WTF?
JPL
@Hungry Joe: Edwin is 32 so is probably thinking nam is a new way to do it. I’m thinking inflatable Santa is next.
harlana
Why do I have the feeling that fuckraft is going to be a new tag?
General Stuck
Maybe he figured out it ain’t the size of the pumpkin, but the motion of the ocean, or something.
I once worked in Hamilton as a public health inspector, fucking cesspool, full of enterprising wingnuts and their dubious shenanigans. This guy shoulda married the pumpkin and left town a long time ago.
gocart mozart
@Omnes Omnibus:
By the way you inflate it.
John O
@BGinCHI:
That’s what I was thinking, only on the rehab side: Just get the dude an inflatable girl and leave him alone.
WaterGirl
@arguingwithsignposts: I know I told you this last week, but you are still cracking me up.
Judas Escargot
Sounds like this kid could use a Confessor
ETA: To this day, I can’t hear the phrase “sex with a pumpkin” without thinking of Roberto Benigni.
geg6
Jeebus. A raft and a pumpkin, WTF? And seriously, dude, if you’d quit stealing other people’s inflatables to fuck, just buy your own and do it in the privacy of your own home! No one will care. In fact, they make inflatables for that specific purpose. You can buy them on the Internet.
Another laugh I had today was being called out by name as some kind of mindless Obot in a thread by one of the idiot emoprogs infesting this place. This, on a day on which I was the very first comment in a thread and was about my greatest disappointment with Obama. But I didn’t call him a weakling or call for primarying him, so I guess that kind of criticism doesn’t count. Made me giggle.
BGinCHI
@John O: After being arrested and told this he was probably like,”What? They have inflatable women?”
Probably Boehner’s district.
Omnes Omnibus
@arguingwithsignposts: Check Cole’s email account for a credenza.
gocart mozart
@geg6:
You know a bit too much about this topic. Just saying.
Martin
And everyone told me there was no market for inflatable kitten skulls…
WaterGirl
@Omnes Omnibus: I thought credenzas were to be faxed, not emailed.
Omnes Omnibus
@gocart mozart: Isn’t more knowledge better than less?
Martin
@WaterGirl: Correct. You cannot accurately verify an emailed credenza. Only fax is generally accepted.
geg6
And Cole, I recommend watching the Steeler pre-game tonight (do you get KDKA?). It will probably be better than the game. Word is, not a single starter tonight. Typical of the last pre-season. But they’re showing a good review of last season.
Jager
My Grandfather had guy appear in his court, charged with indecent exposure and intent to endanger. The guy owned a neighborhood tavern, one Saturday he hung a sign outside that advertised “Nickel Taps”. Needless to say, the bar was packed. After about two hours a patron noticed the guy was slipping the beer mugs up under his apron. He was sloshing his dick and balls in the beers just before he served them! He got sentenced to the state mental hospital and lost his liqour license. Grandpa said the guy didn’t say much in court he just sat there with a grin on his face.
Omnes Omnibus
@WaterGirl: We are talking about a guy who boffs inflatable rafts; I think we should be happy if he simply emails his credenza-god only knows what else he might think to do with it.
An Idiot
How are you even supposed to have sex with an inflatable pumpkin? I mean, drilling a hole in it wouldn’t work too good…
pragmatism
the big lebowski porn parody is allegedly one of the great ones. http://www.theawl.com/2011/08/the-dude-abides-watching-the-big-lebowski-porn-parody
wasabi gasp
Poor guy fucking wind chimes doesn’t stand a chance.
arguingwithsignposts
@An Idiot: There are things which are better left unquestioned, because once answered, they cannot be unanswered.
forked tongue
These rafts ain’t gonna fuck themselves.
J. Michael Neal
@JenJen:
Now it speaks the truth.
Why, yes, I grew up in Ann Arbor. How did you guess?
LanceThruster
I think such a fetish is acceptable only if you first don a couple of wetsuits.
WaterGirl
@Omnes Omnibus: You’re right, the bar needs to be pretty low for someone like that. I’m with singfoon in thinking that the guy somehow imprinted on some kind of inanimate object when he hit puberty. So sad. But I’m still enjoying the hell out of this thread.
Tonight is the last night the pool is open until 8pm, and I have been looking forward to a solitary swim on a beautiful night, in a pool that is empty except for me, just like it was on tuesday night. Now I see that it’s still 95 (ick) so there will be a million people there (also ick). Oh well, last late night of the pool season, I have to go for it.
Bondo
“Oh my god what are you doing to my raft!?”
Omnes Omnibus
@An Idiot:
@arguingwithsignposts:
Remember the motto of the Bengal Lancers,
“Don’t ask questions. You’ll only get answers.”
arguingwithsignposts
@J. Michael Neal:
Wait, a Michiganer dissing an Ohioan because of fail parade?
John O
@BGinCHI:
Individual weirdness knows no party.
Svensker
This whole thread is full of win. Oy. I needed a laugh.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
And this (Hamilton OH) is not too terribly far from where Big Butter Jesus was immolated during a thunderstorm, while the Hustler porn shop across the interstate was unbothered during the storm. Or, what Jen Jen said.
PurpleGirl
I don’t remember the name of the reality show but an episode I did see (was channel surfing at the time) was about this guy and his inflatable girlfriend and how he bought he clothes, fixed her hair and makeup, etc. He was thinking about buying another one. Frakking insane.
Jager
@Bondo: Too bad the owner of the raft didn’t say “get your own fucking girlfriend, man!”
John O
@PurpleGirl:
Lars and the Real Girl is one funny movie.
DonkeyKong
I love the also on WAFB.com headline. “Ohio Man facing charges for having sex with a picnic table.” That’s the guy taking a fetish and turning it into an olympic sport.
forked tongue
Once you legalize gay marriage, it’s just a step to incest, polygamy, man-on-raft, anything.
gocart mozart
@DonkeyKong:
Curious but, what would be the crime. Technically, its just masturbation isn’t it? Was it in public?
DonkeyKong
@gocart mozart
Maybe some family was having a picnic at the table. Pretty um awkward.
forked tongue
My last comment is in moderation, apparently because I edited it to include the word for carnal relations between blood relatives. Meanwhile my previous post, which had the word “fuck”in it, sailed right through. What the fucking fuck?
Sad_Dem
Clearly, there needs to be a ban on plastic inflatables. Liberal permissiveness has gone too far. Especially with those sparkly blue seahorse pool floats, which anyone can buy.
Omnes Omnibus
@DonkeyKong: Someone needed to toss the salad.
arguingwithsignposts
@Omnes Omnibus: Whatever you do, do NOT look that up in Urban Dictionary.
Omnes Omnibus
@arguingwithsignposts: I knew what I was doing.
Omnes Omnibus
Oh yeah, a song for the thread.
arguingwithsignposts
@Omnes Omnibus: I knew you did. It was more for the rest of the thread.
maya
The Love Raft, it’s all shiny and new….
Lynn Dee
Quote: “What happened in the eight years that made him go from a pumpkin to a raft?”
Merciless! :D
SiubhanDuinne
@JPL:
And from there, it’s only a step to Madame Tussaud’s.
Hawes
You know, I just finally managed to wrap my head around the idea that Furries existed.
Now I have to understand Floaties, too?
honus
“No wonder you didn’t like it, you picked the ugliest raft”
DonkeyKong
This would never happen under a President Santorum!
TrishB
@JenJen: So please remind me again why I live in this area? Big Butter Jeebus and this, too?
El Cid
Those giant inflated gorilla figures in front of car and furniture dealerships must be torture.
ploeg
This is obviously the result of sex-ed courses telling our children to have sex with rubbers.
THE
Well, your honor, I thought I was doing it right.
In the instructions it said,
“attach nozzle and pump up the inflatable…. “
the fenian
I have every intention of telling you how horrible you are as soon as I am capable of getting off the floor.
Another Bob
What, you never knew that the old saying, “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'” was meant as a completely literal statement?
gerry
There is no mystery here, John. Just look at the sensual curves on tha raft, the pumpkin, and you will understand that this poor follow has too much “juice” for his strength to contain. But you…not horrible.
bob h
In Japan there is a trend for withdrawn young men to have inflatable dolls as girlfriends.
Paul in KY
@El Cid: Never thought of that. You’re right, the poor devil.