I can’t even.
I just read this story and burst into peals of laughter. There’s so much fail here it’s actually hard not to laugh at the sheer insanity of it all:
1) Florida (sorry Floridians1, but FAIL!);
2) Republican (obvious FAIL!);
3) introduced legislation to bring back “Old Sparky” and if that doesn’t work, to provide prisoners with “a lead cocktail.” (FAIL!, FAIL!);
4) He’s tired of being humane (This is redundant; see item 2);
5) Would throw prisoners off a bridge if he could (Seriously?!);
6) Got the idea from some asshole at Waffle House (Yes, seriously.)
So yeah, I laughed.
And I’m not talking “how droll” laughter; I’m talking “these people are nuts; we’re all gonna die” laughter:
Florida state Rep. Brad Drake (R) is angry that Valle’s execution took so long. So angry, in fact, that he introduced a bill yesterday to eliminate lethal injection as a execution method altogether in favor of electrocution or the firing squad. “I’m sick and tired of this sensitivity movement for criminals,” Drake declared.
Drake got this ingenious idea to bring back electrocution and firing squads from an equally ingenious place: a Waffle House. Overhearing a constituent call for such methods, Drake said he decided to file the bill. After all, “if it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge,” he said:
In a Waffle House in DeFuniak Springs, Drake said he heard a constituent say, “‘You know, they ought to just put them in the electric chair or line them up in front of a firing squad.’” After a conversation with the person, Drake, 36, said he decided to file the bill.
“There shouldn’t be anything controversial about a .45-caliber bullet. If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Drake said.
Under his bill, electrocution would be the standard method of executions, but inmates could opt for an execution by firing squad. This bill “end[s] the debate,” Drake said. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.” Of course, Florida’s electric chair “Old Sparky” is nowhere near humane. In the late 1990s, “Old Sparky” left one inmate “alive for moments after the electrocution, and sparked a fire on another inmate’s face during the execution.”
What am I even supposed to say to this?
I got nothin’.
1 Oh hush. Some of my best friends are from Florida.
(H/T @jkarsh!)
[via Think Progress]
[cross-posted at Angry Black Lady Chronicles]
Roger Moore
I just don’t understand these people. Why are they so damn intent on being as vicious and evil as possible? Is it a contest or something?
Jennifer
A few thoughts:
1) Ed Anger, known for his My America column in the Weekly World News sounds an awful lot like this guy. Plus, IIRC, Ed was from Florida. The only thing missing from Drake’s rant is a reference to being “pig-biting mad.”
2) Waffle House is and always has been the 4th Dimension. At least late at night, which is when I suspect Drake must have been there.
Sphys
The guy is inadvertently being more humane. Lethal injection is probably a rather painful way to go (see, for example, http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2007/04/lethal_injectio/): our efforts to sanitize the death penalty have made it more cruel. Hanging (which kills you immediately at the bottom of the rope when it breaks your neck) and firing squads may look less civilized, but they’re probably faster and less painful. We should eliminate the death penalty, of course, but if people want to get rid of lethal injection first I think that’d be for the best. (And hey, maybe the poorer optics of more humane executions will turn more people off of them!)
A Mom Anon
There’s a reason FL is called America’s Wang. This guy and their illustrious governor would be Exhibit A.
Our whole culture is clinically ill.That’s the only explaination I can think of for people who think like this and feel no shame or have no little internal voice that tells them to STFU.
SiubhanDuinne
Hahahahaha! I am simply weeping with mirth here.
And here’s a “FAIL!” you missed, ABL: This dude Drake is quoted as saying, “In the words of Humphrey Bogart, ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.’ ”
Hahahahaha! Humphrey Bogart!
Zifnab
So, let me get this straight.
Tens of thousands of protesters show up in front of Wall Street banks, and the GOP response is “STFU you dirty hippies”.
One redneck raises his voice at a Waffle House, and BAM! Legislation, hot off the press.
*sigh*
AA+ Bonds
Well, politics has always been good to psychopaths
Loneoak
Why bother with throwing them off the bridge? Why not just drown them in the toilet in their cell? That would prove once and for all that Florida has a huge set of balls attached to it.
bourbaki
So is execution by hellfire missile better?
General Stuck
More than a few crazy motherfuckers running loose in this country. What a relief it was for my state of NM to abolish it’s death penalty statute.
When I first moved here in the late 90’s there was a guy on death row that had forsaken his appeals and was begging the state to kill him like they promised, but kept putting off for 20 years or so, when the death penalty was first passed.
This is The Land of Enchantment, and unlike the whack job states on either side of us, there just isn’t a bloodlust to push us toward killing people. We prefer making jewelry and painting shit. But law was law, and finally, it was decided to grant the poor man his request. But no one had any idea how to do it, since no means really existed, up to that point in time. So the governor asked Texas for an assist, them being experts in killing their own citizens, guilty or not. It was a three ring circus, but finally, the state of NM managed to carry out the execution of Mr. Clark.
But soon after, calls for repealing the odious death penalty started, and finally a few years ago, Bill Richardson signed the repeal. Thank the Lard!
Roger Moore
@Sphys:
If we really wanted to be humane, there are better methods that, AFAIK, nobody has used. Breathing pure nitrogen (or any other inert gas) is supposed to be painless enough that it’s a serious accidental suffocation risk; the first sign that there isn’t enough oxygen is unconsciousness. But, of course, humane treatment is not the real goal. These ghouls want the most gruesome possible means of execution because it will make them feel manly.
Short Bus Bully
So tired of these motherfuckers. Just fucking tired of them all. I got nothin’.
Chris Grrr™
“Cruel and Unusual” is for soshulists.
Linnaeus
What could it be? Hmm….fff..fasc…fascism…?
ETA: Okay, the “f word” may be a bit much. But given how guys like these seem to want to maximize cruelty, it’s hard not to think of it.
dmsilev
@SiubhanDuinne: Wow, that’s impressive. Not only confusing an actor with a character, but getting the wrong damn actor.
I suppose we should be thankful he didn’t say “Ronald Reagan”.
Raven (formerly stuckinred)
Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas
piratedan
yeah…. but just think of the ratings! We can televise these right after “Dancing With the Stars”!
Mr Stagger Lee
I wish we could like Bugs Bunny did, saw Florida off the country and yell South America take it away! I think God’s judgement is showing, there are no Florida teams in the top 25 of college football teams.
RossInDetroit
Civilization. It’s such a heavy burden to bear.
Garbo
Wasn’t the effort to re-legalize ‘dwarf’ tossing in Florida, also?
chrome agnomen
@Roger Moore:
except that these fuckers are all the anti-manly. sure they say they want it done in as grisly a way as possible, but you’d never in a thousand years be able to get them to actually carry out the sentence themselves. just as they can’t be induced to actually fight in any of the wars they endlessly cheerlead. cowards to their very core.
magurakurin
@bourbaki: I just bow to your superior consciousness. How could have been able to see the truth and light so clearly? Your righteousness is awe inspiring, your depth of thought, profound. Please, never give up your efforts to awaken our unthinking minds…we of such limited and puny life experiences.
LesGS
I wonder what would happen if those states which have the death penalty switched completely to execution by firing squad and then formed those squads in the same manner in which we form juries. We’d get a summons in the mail saying, “You are hereby notified that you have been selected for firing squad service in the State of XXX…”
Norwonk
Like this guy was ever humane for a single minute of his life…
danimal
The wingnut’s dream: Throw the convict off the bridge and shoot him/her on the way down. Sort of like skeet shooting. I bet the state could hold a raffle for shooters and help out the state budget as well. Hell, televise the proceedings as a reality show. There’s so much potential here, once we are able to disassociate the idea that convicts are still human beings worthy of 8th Amendment protections.
Raven (formerly stuckinred)
Lawrence O is revealing that Cain’s 999 plan will end social security and medicare.
PurpleGirl
Remember my fellow BJers that Madame Guillotine was developed to be a more humane form of execution than the methods previously used in France. Nobles were beheaded by either a sword or axe and peasants were hung. The last use of a guillotine for execution in France occured in 1939.
(I’ll still volunteer to sit and crochet while we introduce banksters to Madame Guillotine.)
beltane
@Garbo: Why of course it was.
I think we could unite all the wings of the Republican party if we brought back crucifixion as a method of execution. It would make the teabaggers happy, its cheapness would make the money wing happy, and the symbolism of it would make the evangelicals ejaculate in celebration.
jl
Why not go all the way and dump big rocks on prisoners. If they don’t get completely smashed right away, watch them squirm.
Money saving pro tip: Florida great place to build cheap snake pits. Get to watch them jump around first, then they die slow and get bit over and over again. You could sell a lot of tickets.
We could extend the idea to random public beatings of any lesser person of any description who acts up or talks uppity in any way, just so people don’t get ideas. We want to keep a nice place, youse guys.
I am so tired of having to put up with any sh*t that ticks me off, you know?
I agree with the critique of this poor brute in FL, except I think Waffle House has been unfairly dragged into the discussion.
SiubhanDuinne
I’ve heard all my adult life that “Karma is a bitch.”
God, I hope so.
Keith G
Wow, that Beetlejuice thing really works.
jl
@chrome agnomen: In wars, these people have to brave great risks of sudden death and dismemberment. So, very few would allow themselves to be put in that situation.
But sadistically whomping on a defenseless person, especially a criminal? I’m afraid you would find a whole bunch signing up for that instantly.
Soon it would be the ‘in thing’ to do, and many would do it, even the more decent among them would get sick and throw up after they got home (probably never admit it though). So, look at witch trials in Salem, lynchings in the South, Injun hunting in California, back in the day.
SiubhanDuinne
Just looked up his bio. It seems his grandpappy was also a member of the Florida legislature.
Grandpa’s name was PEACOCK.
This guy’s name is DRAKE.
I’m beginning to understand why he’s such a birdbrain.
Roger Moore
@jl:
I don’t know about the snake pits. I’m thinking it would be great to build an arena and throw the convicts in with a starving lion or bear. Or we could make them fight each other to the death with pathetically inadequate weapons to ensure it took a long time. Either way, I’m sure it would make a great spectacle, both live and on TV. You could even make viewing mandatory, since we want people to know the penalty that faces them when they break the law- and granting the TV rights would be a great piece of political patronage.
jl
@Roger Moore: Well, it was a money saving pro tip for right thinking cost conscious teab*gg*r tax payers who expect some cheap yuks for their hard earned money. In FL Alligator pit would work too.
No cheap lions or tigers or bears in FL.
Your idea might work for WY.
Edit: mountain lion would be fun.
Mnemosyne
The ad at the top of the page is convinced I’m in Hawaii right now.
If only.
hamletta
@jl: Agree on Waffle House. Ever since I read about their disaster preparedness policy, I’ve been pro-Waffle House.
Mnemosyne
@jl:
I think that they think they could do it, but killing someone isn’t as easy as people think. That’s why not everyone in the firing squad has live bullets — it gives the shooters the psychological comfort of thinking they didn’t fire the fatal shot.
It’s why hellfire missiles and the like have become so very popular as instruments of war — it’s much easier to get someone to shoot a missile at an anonymous target than it is to have them shoot someone in the head at close range.
Mr Stagger Lee
Keith Olbermann called Brad Drake an asshole after telling him he could be the first to throw a con off the bridge.
Anonymous P. Hancock
And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.
Really. We’re gonna execute people with handguns. How’s that gonna happen? At point-blank range? Will the executioner hold the gun sideways for dramatic effect? Or does he mean a MAC-10 spray? Fuh. King. Ih. Dee. Uhts.
danimal
@Mnemosyne: The ad at the top of my page says I’m on the toilet right now. Charmin–en espanol to boot. God only knows what algorithim made that happen.
rikyrah
They are sociopaths. period.
jeff
Florida is left with a lot of the nation’s problems. The wealthy sometimes visit their mansions there, but don’t pay any taxes. Then there’s just a whole lot of people who have no education strangling enormous reptiles. It’s like Mississippi, if Mississippi had 10 times more people and 100 billionaires living in it’s southernmost quadrant. And Disneyworld.
Woodrowfan
i think when republicans were in their college English classes and they read The Lottery, they thought “what a great idea!@”
SiubhanDuinne
@Woodrowfan:
OMG, I had nightmares for weeks after I read that the first time.
AA+ Bonds
@RossInDetroit:
LOL
Suffern ACE
@Raven (formerly stuckinred):
Yep. People like magic numbers though, so I’m sure some form of it will make its way into the GOP platform.
YellowJournalism
This guy should be strapped in a real electric chair, forced in A Clockworkn Orange-style to watch the dry sponge scene from The Green Mile on a loop for hours, and then have someone throw the switch. Only the switch isn’t actually hooked up. This experiment would merely measure the amount of crap that is sent into his pants and compare it to the amount of crap this person sends out of his mouth.
The Golux
@PurpleGirl: Actually, the last public execution by guillotine was in 1939. Due to “inappropriate behavior by spectators” and other problems, subsequent executions were held in the prison courtyard. The last execution by guillotine was in 1977 (!).
(From Wikipedia.)
suzanne
So this actually happened to me today:
I am working on a project in which a hospital has hired my company to convert a floor of their hospital to serve as the primary medical center for all the Department of Corrections inmates in the city. There’s lots of architectural changes that need to be made, and it’s been proving challenging to convert the building in order to provide the necessary security while maintaining all the relevant standards for a healthcare environment.
So I was in a meeting today with the Department of Corrections and the Fire Marshal and city Building Department, and the people from DOC were absolutely AGHAST that the Fire Department wouldn’t let them put solid steel over the windows and that the Building Department was insisting that the facility be ADA-compliant. “There’s nothing in the building code that recognizes that these people are FELONS?!”
Fortunately, the Fire Marshal said, uh, no, being in jail for selling drugs doesn’t mean that you’re abandoned to a fiery death.
Ozymandias, King of Ants
@PurpleGirl: While I am quite sure that some of the peasants were indeed hung, I believe the word you want is hanged.
Odie Hugh Manatee
What Florida and the other deranged states like Texas need is a solution to their death row inmate problems. Something that would be the one and only logical solution, something that satisfies their lust for justice. Maybe they can gas the inmates and then toss them in an oven, that would be fast and efficient.
Maybe they can call it The Final Solution. It’s simple, catchy and easy to remember!
G
until recently Utah had firing squad as an option. the book “under banner of heaven” said it was because of a religious doctrine of blood atonement
handy
@Ozymandias, King of Ants:
And those who are hanged, often you will know whether they were hung.
gocart mozart
They should bring back crucifiction. If it what good enough for Jesus . . .
gocart mozart
@LesGS:
If we must have the death penalty, that is how it should be done.
Jay in Oregon
@Sphys: \
Six Saw movies would argue strongly against that.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@suzanne: Heh, that reminds me of a book I once read about California, where the author happened to attend a tour of the new San Benito County Jail, and the sheriff got questions like “Where are the towers with machine guns?” and “why do you need a kitchen to serve them bread and water?”
ETA: this is the book.
TenguPhule
Yes, let’s bring back ye old fashioned death sentences.
First up for the bullets, Republican Politicos.
Next, the fifth estate media.
And then the damn idiots who vote for them!
Mariefla
@Sphys
Actually the guillotine is the most humane method. It may be the most gruesome, but it is expedient and effective.
Paul in KY
@SiubhanDuinne: Mr. Gable would be pissed.
Paul in KY
@Roger Moore: If a person is being executed for the type of crime that gets one an execution, I don’t see why it has to be painless.
Paul in KY
@Mariefla: I’m not sure about that. There have been several anecdotal statements concerning people whose heads seemed to be alive for a short (10 secs?) period after being decapitated.
Actually, a quick and super effective (and humane) way would be to blindfold them & stake them out on a flat surface & then drop a 40 ton rock on them.
Tolkien’s elves executed their citizens by dropping them off a very high cliff. Effective, but not a very humane last 5 or 6 secs (IMO).
Daniel
Yeah, I guess most of you would rather just let these convicted murders off with a slap on the wrist, or let them introduce some sob story (“My parents didn’t love me, so it justifies my desire to kill innocent people), and then simply impose a sentence of ‘Structured therapy and counseling’ as their ‘punishment’. Ruthless killers do not deserve to be rehabilitated, or given second chances. Line them up five at a time, and let the firing squads send them to hell. I couldn’t care less about the level of humanity extended to senseless murders.
Dennis
I’ve actually always been in favor of bringing back hanging as a form of execution. Not out of bloodlust, though. I think if people were forced to confront the brutality of the death penalty, instead of making it as antiseptic as possible, that we might, as a society, finally decide that it’s too barbaric.
This nimrod makes me thing I’m totally wrong.