Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

DeSantis transforms Florida into 1930s Germany with gators and theme parks.

“Squeaker” McCarthy

In after Baud. Damn.

And now I have baud making fun of me. this day can’t get worse.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

In my day, never was longer.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

This has so much WTF written all over it that it is hard to comprehend.

Republicans want to make it harder to vote and easier for them to cheat.

“I never thought they’d lock HIM up,” sobbed a distraught member of the Lock Her Up Party.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Take your GOP plan out of the witness protection program.

Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

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115Comments

  5. 5.

    Mnemosyne

    My headache is subsiding, so I guess I don’t have any excuse to put off my pie-making any longer, especially since it’s all coming out of cans and/or the refrigerator case.

  7. 7.

    ruemara

    What sort of pie? It took me nearly an hour to debone the turkey and stuff it with seasoning and oranges. Then the oranges nearly gave me a black eye when a juicy one hit me in the face from about 8 feet up. I thought there will be blood was just a movie. It seems it’s a cookery lifestyle. I’m cutting out to run some randoms and build up my guild rep, then doing some bread dough. The smoker fires at 7 am and the bird and a bone in pork roast get to cuddle in the fires. Can’t wait.

  12. 12.

    Dream On

    Am I a dope for thinking that my non-brined turkey will turn out amazingly? I always thought it has in the past.

    Indecisive.

  15. 15.

    Suffern ACE

    @Dream On: I never brine and it always comes out fine.

    If you’re really worried about taste, hand out cigars to everyone. Nothing tastes really good after smoking a cigar, so your guests won’t notice much after that.

  18. 18.

    khead

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I can’t believe I finally got up off my ass and opened a pic sharing account. Now I’m determined to turn one of the girls into an Internet star/meme/phenom.

  23. 23.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    Jeez, what a slacker! My wife has it all done and we already done ‘et it! Now she can slack off tomorrow and we can have delicious leftovers for Turkey Day.

    Smart people know that it always tastes better after a night in the fridge.

  29. 29.

    Darkrose

    I don’t know if this is a FYWP or what, but I can’t seem to get the mobile site view on my Kindle Fire. I have cookies enabled; on my laptop I see a link on the left side of the page, but on the Fire, it’s not there. Help?

  30. 30.

    sullyVan

    Its back down here, Padre Island. Had a 5 week lull, which was great.
    Speaking of Pets, Red Tide is Lethal to Canines.

  33. 33.

    JCT

    @cathyx: I do everything as well. In my case, my husband’s sister-in-law is the worst cook in the known universe and I’d just rather do everything myself than worry about her wrecking my meal by poisoning my guests.

    Besides, it gives me an excuse to fiddle around in the kitchen and avoid the bickering at the table.

  34. 34.

    jl

    @Suffern ACE:

    ” If you’re really worried about taste, hand out cigars to everyone. Nothing tastes really good after smoking a cigar, so your guests won’t notice much after that. ”

    I prefer pouring heated up hard likker over the botched slop I tried to make, fine holiday fare and lighting it on fire. Flambe is fancy and gourmet, by definition.

    None of you have ever had green salad flambe? No, you have not. The BJ crowd is so gauche.

  39. 39.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Raven:

    And then if the fishing is so good that you decide to stay out longer?

    Burnt down house. :p

    Nyaah nyaah, we is smarter!

  40. 40.

    Raven

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: I go low-temp.

    I made it for about a half hour after sunset. I’ve been at it since the deep sea trip Monday and my ass is whipped. I wade out to the second sand bar to throw the 5 ouncer on the 10 ft rod and it’s kickin my butt. On the up-side, I fucking love it!

  44. 44.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Raven:

    You’re talking to someone who has piloted big cruisers on Lake Coeur d’Alene (Idaho) in December. Absolutely fun stuff even if it’s cold as hell.

    Thank goodness for freshwater heat exchanger engine cooling with cabin heaters! That and the Cruisair AC/Heat Pump systems plus Onan gen set when an extra boost of heat is needed. That sucker will pull heat out of 36 degree water.

  48. 48.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    Really though – we are having a rocking Thanksgiving tomorrow. We are hosting expats from Russia, Holland, Romania, England and India. 15 plus adults and assorted little kids. Mrs. Express Engine is just killing it food wise for tomorrow. House drink is a Dark and Romney (I mean Stormy). Tito’s vodka for the professionals.

  51. 51.

    EnfantTerrible

    I didn’t get involved in Turkey Day preparations until about 15 years ago, but I have taken on more and more of the heavy lifting since then. The last couple of years, I’ve done it all myself. Having done it a few times, I am forever appreciative of my grandparents for the magnificent spreads they put together on Thanksgiving.

  52. 52.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    @Little Boots: We did this a couple of years ago and it was a blast (slightly different nationalities though). Finding seats for everyone is tough though! Also – you have to tell the Europeans about Pilgrims, so we just play Charlie Brown Thanksgiving in between the football….

  55. 55.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    @janeform: Or set the pies out on the porch ’cause it’s going down to 33 degrees tonight and the fridge is full.

    First Thanksgiving without my wife’s sister, who passed away last January. We couldn’t face cooking without her, so Wegman’s is supplying the meal tomorrow. It’s gonna be tough holidays this year.

  56. 56.

    Suffern ACE

    @janeform: Neither should be left uncovered, but I would chill the pumpkin. The pecan should be o.k. I can give you no reason why that is, except that the sugar/corn syrup/molasses and pecans just aren’t the types of things that spoil. Condensed/evaporated milk and pumpkin seem like they would be prone to spoiling if left in a place where bad things could land on them and start growing.

    Home economic scientists can dissect my old wives’ tale.

  57. 57.

    MikeJ

    Didja ever open the microwave and find a monkey dish full of butter that you melted for some dish, and you have no idea what you left it out of?

  58. 58.

    Dream On

    @sullyVan: Thanks to all for the “to-brine-or-not-to-brine”. Useful funny advice I will not get at, say, Americablog or whatever it was.

  60. 60.

    Mnemosyne

    Tiny pumpkin pies are in the oven and smell great so far. I cut the crust a little smaller than recommended and I think I’m going to be able to get 16 total.

  64. 64.

    Little Boots

    I am grateful for this site, and for John Cole, really. I like to make fun of them, but really, it makes a huge difference in my life that sites like this exist. thank you, John.

  65. 65.

    opie jeanne

    @Suffern ACE: Both contain eggs, so I think both should be refrigerated. I always do with the pumpkin pies but I’ve been lax with the pecan ones, only refrigerating whatever is left after Thanksgiving dinner.

    I baked one of each and gave the pecan pie to a neighbor who is hosting 19 people and has her very elderly mother visiting, and will have to take said mother to the second floor in a “fireman’s carry” because she can’t climb steps any more. Her sister who has a ground floor guest room did not offer to take their mom for even one night.

    The pumpkin pie I made has a gluten-free gingersnap cookie crust, made the way you make a graham cracker crust. The stuff is like candy.

    I also baked a flourless chocolate cake for our party, and baked two 9″ round pans with conventional chocolate cake from a Trader Joe’s mix, frosted them and gave one to each of the neighbors on either side; the widow to our south lost her 13 year old grandson to suicide six months ago and no one is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner in her family. The neighbors on the other side have both had surgeries recently, his back and her knees, and they don’t have kids or any family nearby. I would have invited them to ours but our daughter is hosting, over in Seattle.

  66. 66.

    suzanne

    I just made the one recipe that was my grandmother’s that anyone ever asked for, because my grandmother was the world’s worst cook.

    It is creatively entitled “Cheese Dip”, though my friends have renamed it “Crack Dip”.
    1 block of cream cheese
    16oz small curd cottage cheese
    8oz heavy cream
    Beat the living fuck out of these in the stand mixer.
    Add shitloads of crushed garlic and fresh pepper.
    Serve with the ruffle potato chips, preferably the salt-and-pepper ridge cut ones from Trader Joe’s.
    Enjoy/get irritated by everyone eating all your damn dip.

  67. 67.

    DanielX

    Note: There is an exception to the “always brine” rule. That being that if you have a frozen turkey which has been injected with solution to keep it moist/tender/chemically enhanced, do NOT brine. It will end up being a salty disaster, cause it’s already been treated with salt. Just roast the sucker after basting with olive oil and putting in some chopped onion, celery, carrots, apples….oh yeah, and pouring a cup or two of white wine in the bottom of the roasting pan before it goes in the oven. And do not believe those little red buttons that pop out…they pop out not to tell you the turkey is done, but that it’s overdone and probably too dry. Use a meat thermometer!

    Actually, the best alternative is to work it so you get invited to somebody else’s house and they have to deal with all this piss and padoodle. Bring expensive liqour or good wine, they’ll be happy and so will you.

  68. 68.

    opie jeanne

    @DanielX: My sister brined a turkey like that a couple of years ago. I think the only reason it turned out ok was that she didn’t leave it in the brine as long as she was supposed to, thank goodness.

    You are correct about the red buttons, and I agree with your suggestion to get yourself invited. My daughter is doing the turkey this year and I’m providing desserts.

  69. 69.

    Suffern ACE

    @Comrade Mary: She is correct about one thing…roast turkey is just a very imperfect thing to cook, so all the hullaballoo is really about making it a marginally improved but still imperfect meal.

    My boss this year has some item that’s supposed to create a perfect fried-like bird without oil using what sounds like laser beams. That seems like a rather high-tech solution to a problem that we probably solved a few thousand years ago when humans first started cooking the bird.

  71. 71.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    @Little Boots: Thanks. We’re at the age where I guess we can expect our traditions to get busted up every now and then. Someday the boys will be moving out, things will change again, and maybe after that we’ll get the invite for Thanksgiving at one of their places.

  72. 72.

    Gordon, The Big Express Engine

    I just watched Gran Torino and am watching 2010 now. The one is simply great and I am a sucker for the second one. Marginal sci-fi is okay by me.

    In other news, everyone root for the Virginia Cavaliers this weekend. A win and we are in the ACC championship game.

  73. 73.

    Little Boots

    @Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason:

    You’re welcome.

    for whatever reason, I’m taking Thanksgiving really seriously this year. trying to figure out what I am truly thankful for.

    this site, for one, and truly decent people like you. And I hope you are okay this year.

  74. 74.

    redshirt

    As a Vegetarian, I’d just like to say I’ve come to dislike Thanksgiving over the many years of my Mother asking “Just try a few bites of turkey…”.

    For awhile there – 5 years in a row – I traveled Internationally during T-giving. Which I loved. Cuz, first, very few other Americans. 2nd, almost always offseason wherever you go, ergo, cheap.

    At this point, I simply suffer the day in order to allow others to enjoy it. Without my bitching. I have my roll and maybe mashed potatoes and yes, that string bean casserole thing, ug. And I try and pretend it’s all great. For Mom.

  75. 75.

    burnspbesq

    @Maxwell:

    Hell of a game, wasn’t it? Thomas Robinson is a man, and Kansas played outrageously good perimeter defense for 39 minutes, but if you help off any of our guards, they will kill you. It’s just that it’s usually somebody other than Tyler Thornton delivering the fatal blow.

  78. 78.

    DanielX

    @opie jeanne: It’s true….you get to a certain point and you’re tired all the time anyway. Spending six hours in the kitchen when your relatives, friends and pets are partying, arguing and generally having a great time for three of those hours while YOU are sweating your left ventricle off trying to achieve the perfect Thanksgiving meal gets wearisome. Could somebody please remind me again about why I’m doing it, brining aside?

    Nevermind…I just reminded myself. It’s Thanksgiving, and gratitude for a good harvest and harvest feasting goes back way farther than those uptight guys wearing funny black hats who would have starved if it wasn’t for the locals. Let it be good for all of us.

  81. 81.

    Little Boots

    true gratitude is hard.

    it’s easy to fake it, but there’s really very little I’m truly grateful for. this site really is one of those things, and the politics swirling around Madison, which sounds funny, but it’s true. but so much of that stuff you’re supposed to say, family, friends, work, no not really grateful for that, not really.

    I’m grateful for you all far more than most of the stuff I’m supposed to be grateful for. You’re sane in an insane country.

  84. 84.

    suzanne

    @redshirt:

    As a Vegetarian, I’d just like to say I’ve come to dislike Thanksgiving over the many years of my Mother asking “Just try a few bites of turkey…”.

    Oh Lord, isn’t that about the most irritating thing? Seriously, the people who Just. Cannot. Grasp. that you don’t want their damn food Just make me pray for death.

    My mom was usually cool about it, though. When I was an observant vegetarian (now I’m an agnostic vegetarian), she would make me Tofurkey. My grandfather, however, would attempt and occasionally succeed at slipping meat into my food. He’s been dead for 14 years and I’m still bitter.

  85. 85.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    @Little Boots: One of the years I was Cubmaster for my boys’ Cub Scout pack I said something like this for our November meeting:

    “Next week is Thanksgiving. Think about what you’re thankful for. Me, I’m thankful for hot showers. For most of the history of the human race, not even kings and noblemen had hot showers. Most of the people on the planet now don’t have hot showers. Be grateful for the little things in life, because they’re not so little, really.”

  87. 87.

    Mnemosyne

    @suzanne:

    Totally random question for you — I want to donate to a Phoenix-local animal rescue organization for my mom’s Christmas present since they winter in Fountain Hills. Last year I donated to R.E.S.C.U.E. after doing web research. Is there another organization I should consider, or do they have a good reputation?

  88. 88.

    suzanne

    @Mnemosyne: I’ve heard good things about them. I’ve adopted three animals from the Arizona Humane Society, and I’m very impressed with them, but I don’t know all the individual groups.

    That’s a great gift idea.

  89. 89.

    Mnemosyne

    @suzanne:

    I think it was the first gift I ever gave her that she really liked. :-) She’s one of those annoying “I don’t need anything” people, so I liked that I could still give her something and she liked that it was helping animals since she’s always been a big pet lover.

    I’ll take a look at Arizona Humane and see if maybe I can throw a little scratch their way, too. Thanks!

  91. 91.

    suzanne

    @Mnemosyne: I know the AZ Humane Society has been having a hard time in this economy, with so many people turning their pets in. They actually suspended the adoption fees for some time, just trying to get animals placed. I know they do euthanize, so I know a lot of people don’t want to support them, but they do a lot more veterinary care than any of the other organizations I’ve come across.

  93. 93.

    Mnemosyne

    @suzanne:

    I think that’s how I ended up with R.E.S.C.U.E. — I was looking for a no-kill shelter. But if the Humane Society does good work otherwise, I’m willing to support them. I just didn’t want to accidentally give money to the Maricopa County animal control people since they don’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing.

  95. 95.

    Amanda in the South Bay

    I just got home from the busiest day of the year at the grocery store. Am exhausted from checking out people and their goddamned turkeys. FLOP.
    Am obviously too fucking tired to do homework. The mystery of the crashing assembly code will have to remain till tomorrow.

  96. 96.

    Mnemosyne

    @Little Boots:

    Meh. We already know that she’s nuts. IMO, part of being an adult is realizing that your parents are fucking insane but loving them anyway.

  98. 98.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    @Mnemosyne: Thanks. Never saw “My Drunk Kitchen” before. That was a hoot, so I watched a bunch more.

    ETA: BSosR +5

  99. 99.

    Morbo

    Beer menu for Thanksgiving: Founders Breakfast Stout, Founders Backwoods Bastard, Bell’s Expedition Stout, Bell’s Third Coast Old Ale, Old Rasputin Imperial Stout, Lion Stout. What’s drunk will be appreciated, what isn’t will go back to me.

  100. 100.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    @Gordon, The Big Express Engine: Monsieur Colette and I lived in Paris for several years and hosted a big ol’ Thanksgiving do every year, partly out of homesickness/tradition and partly from a stubborn determination to show the scornful natives that there’s a tiny bit more to our culture than McDonald’s and reality TV. We had friends from France, Italy, the Netherlands, Cameroon, Germany, England, Scotland, Brazil, Russia, Austria, Turkey, Ivory Coast, Morocco, and South Africa, as well as expat ‘Murricans like us. Oddly, the only ones who really weren’t familiar with the “harvest festival” concept were the French. There’s no national equivalent, just a few scattered mushroom-picking festivals and such. But everyone liked the turkey and stuffing, and everyone at least politely tolerated our custom of briefly mentioning before the meal the thing(s) for which we’re thankful.

    Speaking of which: modern dentistry, hot water, a job with benefits, and the company of friends near and far. Cheers.

  101. 101.

    opie jeanne

    @DanielX: I actually liked doing it after I took it over to prevent the tug-of-war between my parents and his, being forced to eat two dinners on one day and travel from Riverside, Ca to Temple City to San Bernardino and back home to Riverside with children, plus not ever knowing whether the food at his parents would be edible and eating it to be polite. One year it was tacos, and not good tacos, another year it was spaghetti and not good spaghetti. I have no idea what was going on with them, but if I was going to eat dried-out turkey I was going to be the one drying it out. Which never seemed to happen. Our turkeys always came out fine despite my not knowing what I was doing.

    I have to admit, though, with the kids scattered to the four corners of the earth and Dad the last surviving parent but 1100 miles away, I don’t mind my older daughter taking on roasting the bird this year. A friend is roasting a goose and bringing that to the party so there will be more than enough food and at least one bird will be good, maybe two.

  102. 102.

    BD of MN

    @Morbo: very nice selection you have there… I’m bringing the same Founder’s Breakfast Stout, Brooklyn Chocolate Stout, Southern Tier Pumpking from ’10 and ’11, New Glarus Cherry Belgian, and a couple of leftover O’Fests, Victory and Bell’s…

  107. 107.

    CarolDuhart2

    Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Had dinner at my niece’s last night (excellent cook, mass quantities of leftovers) spent time with Mom (91, thankful she’s still here with us), and will spend today on the net and maybe with some DVD’s.

    This year I am truly grateful that Obama was elected-we still have a safety net, the wars are winding down. My agency was slow this year, but it still exists-along with my health care.

  109. 109.

    JPL

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As someone pointed out last night it’s easy to be grateful. I thought of his story to the cub scouts this morning while I took my hot shower. We are fortunate even though sometimes it might be the small things that count the most.
    The first thing I do on Thanksgiving is head to the gas station for the ads. They are not for me but it’s an important tradition to spread out the paper in front of the football games and look at the ads. Must not disappoint the sons.

  111. 111.

    harlana

    I hope I won’t get pelted with drumsticks for saying this, but I’m thankful for trolls, who make life a little more interesting.

    ((ducks))

  112. 112.

    harlana

    i really want to photoshop Newt’s head onto Pepper Spray Cop spraying the kids with a “balloon” that says, “take a bath and get a job, vermin, frankly!”

  113. 113.

    S. cerevisiae

    Making my mom’s recipe wild rice stuffing (with REAL MN wild rice – good ‘nishnaabe manoomin). It’s not thanksgiving without it.

  114. 114.

    Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)

    I’m traveling to Chicago to meet my family, who is coming from Ann Arbor and State College. My mother said the hell with all of that time in the kitchen, so she just leaves town and then makes someone else do the cooking.

    Of course, I’m going Amtrak, and the train that was supposed to get me there at 3:55 is now estimated to arrive at Union Station at 7:49.

    Next time, I’m telling my mother to shove the advice and just driving.

  115. 115.

    Maxwel

    @burnspbesq

    Today I am thankful for Duke getting the Plumlees. To think we could have gotten the Wears!

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