Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Accused of treason; bitches about the ratings. I am in awe.

Jack Smith: “Why did you start campaigning in the middle of my investigation?!”

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

I’m starting to think Jesus may have made a mistake saving people with no questions asked.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

You cannot shame the shameless.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

If rights aren’t universal, they are privilege, not rights.

If you can’t control your emotions, someone else will.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

I really should read my own blog.

How stupid are these people?

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Trump’s cabinet: like a magic 8 ball that only gives wrong answers.

The revolution will be supervised.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

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Reader Interactions

66Comments

  1. 1.

    ruemara

    Gad. Bittermuch? You could just drink a shittonne of whisky and let the sweet sleep of the damned carry you into the morrow’s morn.

  2. 2.

    Ailuridae

    You should try a little known sleep remedy which may have already worked for you in the past: AMBIEN.

  3. 3.

    Bago

    Oh my god that’s the funky shit. Shamelessly stolen from the Beastie Boys by the Prodigy. Man, the 90’s. I miss them.

  4. 4.

    Jewish Steel

    I had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday so I’m back on the vikes, yo. They have a stimulant effect on me; I’ll be sitting up with you. Gimme the remote.

  8. 8.

    Bago

    Like back when Tool was being coy and nine inch nails was melting faces off? What in the hell happened? Everyone became a bit player on a reality television show that tried to flip their house. Dancing with the stars became a career move.

    Can we bring back incohate screaming, even if it’s over dub step?

  10. 10.

    Bago

    Shit. At this point I should probably get a lawn so I can antagonize those damn kids and their iPhones.

  11. 11.

    JGabriel

    John Cole:

    Blah blah blah I’ve tried all your bullshit sleep remedies, so say something funny or clever instead …

    I have nothing funny to say. I’m hunting down hagravens in Skyrim and just got killed by crabs.

    .

  12. 12.

    mikej

    I don’t think I’ve gone to sleep in anything approaching a reasonable period of time since I was in jr high.

  15. 15.

    MikeJ

    @JGabriel: I’ve been donating shiny rocks to giants that imagine the universe to speed up the time it takes me to learn distilling. If you need an invite for glitch I’ve got a few.

  16. 16.

    R Johnston

    Imagine that the Steelers and the WVU football team just held a joint benefit for Rick Santorum and they all died in a fire that took place at the benefit. Now Cry. Cry some more. Eventually you will cry yourself to sleep.

    Of course it won’t be a good sleep and you’ll wake up feeling shitty, but it will be sleep.

  17. 17.

    R Johnston

    @JGabriel: @JGabriel: Enchanting, smithing, and alchemy; still vastly overpowered and gamebreaking.

    Skyrim’s a fine experience, but it’s a shitty game. It’s everything about it except the game aspects that make it worthwhile. If crabs are killing you, you’re doing it wrong.

  18. 18.

    JGabriel

    @MikeJ:

    If you need an invite for glitch I’ve got a few.

    Thanks, MikeJ. I’m so buried in Skyrim right now that I don’t think I’ll be trying any other new games until spring. But, thank you for the offer. Much appreciated.

    .

  19. 19.

    Gentle reader

    I took Ambien three times in the last week. That stuff works. But a shot of NyQuil works pretty well too.

    Right now can’t sleep since woke up late today because took Ambien the night before. It’s a vicious circle.

  21. 21.

    p.a.

    PBS occasionally shows a film from the 60’s of a guy building his own place in Alaska. The story AND the narrator are soporific. I yawn if it’s on and I’m just scanning through. “Alone in the Wilderness”. Youtube clips may be too short to knock you out, but I don’t know if the whole show is available somewhere out in ‘the cloud’.

  22. 22.

    Kane

    Sex is often the best remedy for sleeplessness. And if it doesn’t put you to sleep, at least you’ve had some fun.

  23. 23.

    e_anders

    Study something that you are slightly, but not really interested in. Soething like the history of cartography.

  26. 26.

    piratedan

    aye, one of those nights, Stepdad has Parkinsons bad, super sensitive to cold and the circuit board to the heat pump is out. Supposed to be low twenties here tonight, so I have the night shift with the wood stove……

  30. 30.

    Keith G

    @montanareddog: Your link to Sully will put you to sleep,,,after you dig you eyes out with an old spoon.

    Shorter Andrew Sullivan:

    “I was possibly wrong, but not really – and typing all these words in long sentences shows what a great writer I am. So please forgive me, but maybe not, Did I mention that I am a really great writer?”

  31. 31.

    blahblah

    Oh, just say fuck it already John and abuse diphenhydramine as a sleep med like us unwashed masses with shitty prescription copays do.

    It’s cheaper than Nyquil, doesn’t have a bunch of other shitty drugs in it, and it’s a stronger hypnotic than doxylamine anyway.

    50mg for normal insomnia, 75 – 100mg if it persists.

  32. 32.

    SIA

    That Sullivan post made my skin crawl. The brave intellectual does have to make so many sacrifices. Ah well.

    And I’m not sleeping either.

  33. 33.

    blahblah

    *Stronger per-pill. 18mg of doxylamine will knock your shit out but you have to eat 3 doses of Nyquil to get there. Fuck that.

  35. 35.

    Raven

    From the Cal Health Service:

    Common Things to Avoid in Managing Stress:

    Use of alcohol or other drugs
    Unhealthy eating (overeating, fasting, eating junk/sugar/caffeine)
    Binging on TV, video games, or internet
    Self berating and belittling
    Working harder not smarter
    Sleeping fewer hours
    Isolating from others
    Lashing-out with anger and hostility
    Taking on more work and responsibilities

  37. 37.

    montanareddog

    @SIA:

    I read Sullivan because he is a top blogger; his site is interesting and important. And when he fails, he fails gloriously – the Trig obsession, the race IQ thread and the Paul Ryan fluffing being the two most spectacular recent occurences, as John mentioned in his original post.

    But he can also be a pompous bastard too, and the TNC apology is a perfect example. Ever since he got fired by Marty Peretz, it has been a perpetual whine about how his noble commitment to the truth has kept him off the wingnut gravy train.

  38. 38.

    BarbF

    I go thru periods of insomnia. You have to condition your body to know it’s sleep time, and you do that with a routine.

    You fix that routine and keep to it, and soon the insomnia will go away and/or be minimized.

    At ten PM, I turn off the tv, the computer, and give myself some time to read. Then I turn the light off and in most cases will fall asleep.

  39. 39.

    kindness

    Not being able to sleep suxs. Doesn’t happen to me much thankfully. Usually stress related in my case & I try to avoid that.

    Take a few hits of pot John. That’ll mellow you.

  40. 40.

    gmf

    @Lojasmo:

    I second this – have you tried melatonin ? I’ve always had a hard time getting to sleep & had thought it was some kind of st. john’s wort or kava-type bullshit and never tried it.

    I found some real cheap at the grocery one day & picked it up on a whim – I’ve been taking it nightly for about a month now and it makes all the difference in sleeping for me. I get to sleep easily, don’t generally wake up at 2am worrying about the work that needs done on my house & I wake up totally rested.

    For me, it seriously is some kind of miracle pill.

    Also, too, it gives me awesome dreams on a consistent basis.

  41. 41.

    El Cid

    I did enjoy this Andrew Sullivan actual near insight:

    At one level, I wonder if this gift of freedom is not poisoned by my attraction to controversy rather than truth.

    It’s that gift of wonder, to “wonder” about that, rather than to realize the truthfulness of that, that makes him special.

    Why make something boring by understanding that it’s true — i.e., he’s attracted to “controversy” (on his preferred grounds, of course, he gets to scream over people who are too leftist on TV shows because they aren’t on that blessed ground) rather than truth — when you can pretend instead that you are simply trapped in a treacly bubble of childlike wonder?

  42. 42.

    Mrs. Polly

    Antihistamine with a slug of tequila will work for abt 5 days. The problem is getting accustomed to it. Ooh, I might have meant “habituated.’

    Time release melatonin might be the deal. Otherwise you’re knocked out for two hours, tops.

    Plus a slug of tequila.

  43. 43.

    El Cid

    I think it might be entertaining for John to do too much Ambien (or its relatives) and then later report the ridiculous phone calls he made in the middle of the night which he didn’t know he was making.

    Those are fun.

    I’ve known people who had that side effect, and even received a few of those calls. It’s a bizarre insight into what it would be like for people to be awake while dreaming.

  44. 44.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Whiskey, brandy, and rum. Copious quantities. You’ll be out, but the next day will suck. OTOH the next day will suck if you don’t sleep. Rock, hard place.

  47. 47.

    Hawes

    Place a 2×4 between two chairs. Fling yourself backwards on to the 2×4, striking the back of your head just above the neck on the lumber.

    Repeat until unconscious.

  48. 48.

    handsmile

    @Raven: (#35)

    That list may well be a health advisory, but I think it would be better described as the lyrics to the BJ commentariat version of “My Favorite Things.”

  50. 50.

    Larkspur

    Well, I hope you got surprised by sleep last night. In the future, I recommend that you make a recording of a six year-old telling you, in endless detail, about every television show and movie he’s ever seen. The reason it has to be a recording is that kids don’t think you can hear them unless you are looking right at them.

  51. 51.

    Joel

    Ambien works awesome. However – I recognize that it’s mid-morning now – if you don’t have any, try diphenhydramine (Benadryl) or any other “classical” antihistamine (i.e. not Claritin, Allegra, etc.) Those guys will knock you the hell out.

  54. 54.

    Sloegin

    Weirdly enough, whenever those “Best Thing I Ever Ate” shows pop up on the food network, I go comatose before the 3rd commercial break.

    They must screw with my blood sugar levels or something.

  55. 55.

    Bob Collins

    What? Are you a baby, whining all night?

    Look. You’re not going to sleep. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Sleep. Get over it. Tomorrow you’ll feel like crap. Accept it. Nothing magical is going to happen. Alcohol will work for only a few hours. Drugs become habituating.

    Now real men just get out of bed. Why struggle when it’s not going to work? Get out of bed. Go someplace quiet (with no company — animal or human). Sit there while contemplating and accepting that you are not going to get the sleep you need. Worrying about sleep is a substantial part of the stress keeping you from sleeping.

    Now do something calming. Read (as suggested above). Watch paid programming. Listen to music you don’t like that much. I, with decades of sleep problems, prefer reading. Philosophy. Cosmology. Greek mythology. Computer manuals. Moby Dick. Don’t read anything exciting or anything that will anger you. If you get drowsy and ultimately fall asleep, well good. If you don’t, then get over it. Shit happens.

  56. 56.

    Platonicspoof

    I’ve tried all your bullshit sleep remedies,

    Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask He Who Chirps All Things?

    He’s probably already planned eleventy million ways
    to keep his meal quiet to give you sweat sweet dreams.

  57. 57.

    jc

    Seriously, get medical marijuana. I’ve smoked it since I was 14 so the medical angle here in California is a joke for me.

    But, my CA Doctor did say that besides pain and nasuea (cancer/aids), insomnia was the number 3 reason people use it medically. I did a six month roadtrip to Costa Rica and had insomnia bad by the end. One puff when I came back and I slept like a baby.

    It is not addictive and won’t wreck your stomach like pills. If you hate smoking, learn to cook with it.

  61. 61.

    MikeJake

    Melatonin mostly works for me, but the problem is I have to commit to shutting the lights off and lay in bed until sleep takes me, and I’m not such a fan of that. I’ve taken Ambien a handful of times, and half the time I end up unwittingly fighting through it and staying awake.

  62. 62.

    dan

    Apologies if this has been mentioned, but a heroic dose of Benadryl works. Heroic meaning 8-10. Check Erowid, it won’t hurt you.

  63. 63.

    Bill Arnold

    @gmf:

    I second this have you tried melatonin ? Ive always had a hard time getting to sleep & had thought it was some kind of st. johns wort or kava-type bullshit and never tried it.

    Another vitamin I’ve found has a side effect of helping you crash from stress-and-anxiety-driven sleeplessness is pantothenic acid. 100 milligrams is sufficient. It’s pretty close to being non-toxic. I don’t see this effect documented anywhere but it’s real for me.
    That, and attempting Yoga Nidra is pretty good, at least as taught in an audio recording given to me by an Indian scientist (basically a body scan where you move awareness around the body in a pattern, starting with extremities).

  65. 65.

    ken

    You should have a sleep study done. I had sleep problems, had a sleep study done and now sleep on a CPAC machine. It’s not as bad as it sounds and I actually get real sleep now. Something I haden’t had in at least 15 years.

  66. 66.

    Debbie(aussie)

    Would ambien be the same as stilnox? It is the sleeping pill I take that has arep for weird behaviour.

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