Somewhere in Massachusetts, a cold shiver just ran up Tom Levenson’s back, for Megan McArdle has published her “Holiday Gift Guide 2011: Kitchen Edition“.
Now, I love cooking (my old English Fruit cake with propofol icing has won several awards) and I love gadgets (particularly the sort that are made by Germans out of latex and make the lights dim in three states when I turn them on), but McMegan’s list is truly terrifying.
Megan says that “Space is somewhat limited in our kitchen“, and given that she appears to own every piece of crap that has ever been flogged to the gullible and the taste-free, I’m not surprised. I have visions of her dessicated corpse being found some day, trapped between the piles of old copies of the New York Times that line the walls of her apartment, smothered beneath an avalanche of chicken-shaped spoon holders and fish spatulas, all liberally lubricated with rancid butter (salted and salt-free!) that has spilled out from her (now water-depleted) butter boats.
It’s hard to pick favourites from her list, but I’m particularly enamoured of the Salt Pig, which may be the ugliest piece of kitchenware I have ever seen:
At least it matches the colour of her salt.
Helpfully, Megan suggests several solutions to those global problems which bedevil us all, including the Kuhn Rikon Egg Separating Set because:
Separating eggs by hand is not hard, but it’s tedious…
and the Swivel Store Spice Rack because:
Like most people who like to cook, I am obsessed with finding a solution to The Spice Problem.
Thankfully, this last apparently flouts the laws of physics by holding all her spices:
happily (and neatly) over the microwave, where they’re paradoxically easy to get at, and safely out of the way.
If only Zeno had known about that he wouldn’t have had to do all that messing around with tortoises and arrows.
Megan even recommends not only a gravy separator, but also a warming gravy boat. Starving children in Eritrea can rest easy now, knowing that Megan’s guests will never be exposed to cold, fatty sauces.
She (of course) triples down on the fucking Thermomix, in its third mention in as many weeks. I’m pretty sure she’s angling for a freebie, so she can wedge herself between two of them and have them rhythmically whirl, whirl, whirl her towards orgasm.
The thing that stands out most of all for me, however, is this:
I’ll frequently make a pot of rice at night and melt some cheese on top, eat some for dinner, and the rest for breakfast.
Despite all Megan’s crapping on about her fantasy world of “shiny chocolate glazes” and custards and foams and perfect bechamel, buried in the middle of the article we get one solitary glimpse of the truth – sad, pathetic Megan, surrounded by her shelves and drawers and hills of tat and rubbish, shovelling cheese and rice into her face in a futile attempt to fill the aching void in her soul.
[H/t to commenter Trentrunner, who got there first.]
cathyx
No gourmand would eat rice with cheese melted on it.
cathyx
And it’s probably velveta.
gaz
This post.
Wow.
The last sentence somehow almost made me feel a tugging despair on MM’s behalf. And I dislike her immensely.
The Other Chuck
That … … … … is gonna leave a mark. I mean wow, you made me feel sorry for McMegan.
Special Patrol Group
What a fucking snob.
TooManyJens
I don’t care what any of you say. I would totally do that. Really sharp cheddar on brown rice is awesome.
ericblair
Fuck. She must be one of those Infomercial People: you know, the ones that try to peel a potato with normal kitchen implements and end up taking their arm off. This is all just Ronco Egg-O-Matic shit made from shiny copper and sixty times the price.
Yeah, separating an egg using a bowl and a goddamn eggshell takes what, ten seconds? Take an introductory cooking course and spare yourself a lifetime of idiot gewgaws.
Vlad on the Tracks
Nicely done, title to closing lines.
I’ve never even heard of making rice and pouring cheese on top and then eating it. I guess that is marginally better than making rice and pouring cheese on top and then throwing it at the bride and groom.
jayboat
Every time I see a mcbargle thread I think, no way can she top the last ‘one’. As usual, I would be mistaken. How in hell does this woman still have a job?
There’s definitely a new tag line in that claptrap somewhere.
Like white on rice with cheese on top.
Special Patrol Group
Unless she’s using the $1500 robot chef that costs $1500 and she simply had to have once she saw one. But remember:
What a fucking snob.
rb
Goddam, Sarah. I actually feel kind of bad for McMegan now. Remind me never to piss you off.
gaz
the cheese and rice thing seems kinda gross to me.
a little salt/pepper/butter maybe.. (although I prefer just soy sauce)
meh – I like cheese. and I like rice… but… hmmm
The Other Chuck
Eggshell? Shit man, I just use my fingers. If I really need to be sanitary, I use a slotted spoon. Fucking eggs, how do they work?
Brown rice, cheddar cheese, and cayenne pepper … that was a pretty regular meal for me when I was dirt poor. My housemate worked at a gourmet food packing plant so I could occasionally get a pretty deep discount on dill havarti for a change in pace.
gaz
@jayboat:
+1 internetz
thanks for the lol
beltane
McMegan’s salt pig looks vaguely NSFW though I am having trouble determining which orifice it resembles the most. I’ve always suspected that most of these expensive kitchen gadgets are for people who view cooking as one of those exciting activities they only do on rare and special occasions. Kind of the way some people, deciding they need to walk to get into shape, have to go out and buy a jogging suit just so they can look athletic while they stroll around the block. Does McMegan have a special cooking outfit she wears while she heats up her Minute Rice with Velveeta?
Special Patrol Group
Keep it real, sista! When you’re not using your $1500 chopper/weigher/cooker hat costs $1500, I mean.
Special Patrol Group
Yes, yes, when you were in England. Tell me, dearie, did you make it over to Teh Continent? You simply must try the rice and cheese in Lyons. So superior to such in the New World.
What a fucking snob.
Soonergrunt
That’s cruel in two ways–
1 Making the first swipe at her empty soul and the loneliness that accompanies same, setting up the coup de grace in the final paragraph, which she totally deserves, and
2 Planting that particular disturbing image in my brain, which I totally do NOT deserve. I might have to pop my own eyes out with McMegan’s figural chicken measuring spoon set.
Oh, and “cooking with gasbag”? Simply wonderful!
Mattski
Separating an egg? Use right hannd to crack egg into cupped left hand. let egg white run between fingers into bowl, cleverly placed under left hand. Place yoke in 2nd bowl. You can do a dozen eggs in under a minute.
edit. And Chuck is cleverly ahead of me on this one
Special Patrol Group
She is so horrible.
cathyx
@Mattski: Why not just use the egg shell instead of your hand? It’s less messy.
beltane
@ericblair: I learned to separate eggs with ease by the time I was 11. There is nothing remotely tedious about it. I find most gadgets to be tedious because they all have to be washed which ends up being pretty f*cking tedious.
Why do I get the feeling that this woman grew up eating nothing but fish sticks, canned peas, and dried out little pork chops?
Raven
There is nothing in the world wrong with a fat separator, nothing.
Mike in NC
Oh, McMegan. YUCK!
Little Boots
is she the goob that can’t admit she’s rich and ridiculously privileged?
in other words, is she a libertarian?
Svensker
@TooManyJens:
Agreed. Buttered rice with lots of parmesan and fresh pepper is really good also too. Yum.
Special Patrol Group
Less than $1500, and I bet quicker.
cathyx
@Raven: I wish they would invent one for my body.
Citizen_X
Goddam it! Now my new band, the Salt Pigs, is gonna have to come up with a different name.
It’s pretty clear what Megan’s duty in reeducation camp is going to be: line cook, preferrably with some old Army Master Sargent running the kitchen, screaming “MCARDLE! HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO SEPARATE SOME GODDAMNED EGGS?”
TooManyJens
@Svensker: Mmmm. You know, I haven’t had dinner yet …
wilfred
The obsession with this woman has become creepy and Heatherish.
What’s sadder and more pathetic, her or people who have nothing better to do than make fun of sad and pathetic people.
Raven
@cathyx: Almost any reply would likely incite a flame war!
Little Boots
@wilfred:
she’s got a platform.
mockery ensues.
Raven
@wilfred: Back to back with this Sullivan person.
cathyx
@wilfred: Tell us about yourself. Then we can make fun of you.
beltane
@Citizen_X: She’s nowhere near ready to be a line cook. Like all novices in a kitchen, she needs to start out as a dishwasher. If she can hack that, then she could move up to doing prep work like peeling potatoes and carrots and such.
Special Patrol Group
I didn’t see any disclaimer noting that she gets a piece of the action for anything ordered through her links to Amazon. She’s pulled that crap in years past and even updated her post after someone called her on it. Yet no acknowledgement this go ’round. She’s so horrible.
Omnes Omnibus
@Special Patrol Group: A tacky snob to boot.
Raven
@Omnes Omnibus: Somebody must like her, they keep bringing her up.
Little Boots
omnes,
Scottie Walker is doomed, right?
Oh please tell me he’s doomed.
stickler
@Special Patrol Group: No, and Hell No. Take your twenty garlic cloves, put them in your martini shaker (without gin or ice, of course), and shake the hell out of ’em. One minute later: peeled garlic.
Thank me later. (Or, thank the Cooking Network, which did the same thing with two metal bowls, which I didn’t have, so I substituted my martini shaker, which I did have.)
fasteddie9318
I hope she at least uses her thermonuclear blender, the one that not everyone should own lest they devalue its status and thus deprive her of the pleasure of owning it, to process the cheese into a sauce before she pours it over the rice. Lord knows that I, as one of the untouchable caste, could never master the complexities of creating a cheese sauce myself, so I like to imagine that Society’s Winners, like Megan, do such things all the time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a can of SPAM that’s calling my name.
BGinCHI
Is it mean and petty to make fun of Megan’s ears?
If it’s cruel to point out that she has huge ears, then I won’t do it.
beltane
@Special Patrol Group: That’s so cool. Garlic shaking looks like a good job for the kids.
Linda Featheringill
“propofol icing”
:-)
Omnes Omnibus
@wilfred: I am going to go with people who harangue the people who have nothing better to do than make fun of sad and pathetic people who happen to be McMegan.
The Other Chuck
@cathyx:
Every time I try to use the shell, I either catch the yolk on the edge or it slips out entirely. Fingers work every time. Who cares about mess, it’s just egg white, rinses right off. Not something you can get away with in a restaurant of course, but another reason why I prefer to keep my hobbies as hobbies and not professions.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
Well, we’ve learned one new thing at least. Now we known just exactly where all that calculator-breaking gastritis comes from.
Little Boots
@BGinCHI:
You know Ayn Rand totally would have.
bitch.
dmsilev
I’ll bet, without checking, that she owns one of those bagel guillotine thingies, meant for people who can’t wield a bread knife without cutting off a minimum of two fingers.
Omnes Omnibus
@Raven: Sure, and people watch horror movies as well. The appalling and gruesome can have a fascination as long as long as it isn’t real.(FN1)
(FN1) McMegan is a fictional character, right?
fasteddie9318
@dmsilev: Yes, OK, but only because drawing a knife back and forth through an entire bagel is extraordinarily tedious and a waste of her time. But, and I think this goes without saying, not everyone should own one of those things.
Little Boots
@dmsilev:
every gadget, I’m sure. if she were a little older she’d be Ronco’s best customer ever. you just know it.
The Other Chuck
@wilfred:
The harshest condemnations are leveled at those people and institutions we still have some respect for. McMegan’s self-indulgent twaddle is published by The Atlantic.
Tho at this rate, I see it as complete fishwrap that Ta Nahesi Coates writes for for some inexplicable reason … probably because it’s hard to make a living at it and a steady job counts for something.
dmsilev
@The Other Chuck: It takes a bit of practice, but after a few cakes worth of separated eggs, using the shells to separate becomes pretty easy.
I do recommend three bowls instead of two, though. One for the yolks, one for the white that you’re working on, and one for the accumulated whites. That way, if the yolk breaks and you get some into your whites, only one egg’s worth needs to have the yolk bits picked out.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: Dude.
Raven
@Omnes Omnibus: Beats me. If I didn’t hang around here I would have never have heard of her.
Little Boots
@Omnes Omnibus:
Dude is not (insert lawyer term)
what is going to happen here?
SiubhanDuinne
@ericblair:
Awesome.
The prophet Nostradumbass
This is OT, but.. Guess who Penn State has hired to provide legal advice to the new university president.
BGinCHI
@Omnes Omnibus: I bet her husband wishes that FN were true every day.
Omnes Omnibus
She has a fucking electric kettle on the list?
BGinCHI
@Little Boots: Ayn Rand would obviously just laugh at Megan to begin with, since she’s withholding her productivity by doing such menial labor as cooking.
Rand: “Isn’t there some dark-skinned person to do that?”
chopper
i’ll still make fun of her, but only so much since i’m buying a vitamix this weekend.
SiubhanDuinne
@Special Patrol Group:
Yes she is. What a fucking snob.
Little Boots
@BGinCHI:
in fairness, she would have her husband or her lover or one of her gay acolytes take care of that.
but the important thing is:
FREEDOM!
trollhattan
@The Other Chuck:
Dangerous, even, given she has a, nay, several important platforms from which to spew galtian idiocy and somehow is considered a Serious Person by the crass and people of influence who simply don’t know better. They have Plans for her.
A parallel could be drawn with Herr Gingrich who earned and fully deserves to live out the rest of his life in double-wide obscurity but, instead, is the leading Republican candidate for president.
See what happens when you don’t keep on the pressure?
As to Fair Sarah’s post, I took up smoking, briefly, after reading it, just because.
Omnes Omnibus
@chopper: Let us know how your bechamel turns out.
BGinCHI
@Little Boots: Who could cook anyway when a young admirer is humping your leg?
But enough about David Brooks…..
chopper
@Special Patrol Group:
i know. all sorts of professional forschner-toting chefs are laughing their asses off.
BGinCHI
@trollhattan:
If I was about to release a record of jangly country tunes, that’s what I’d call it.
chopper
@Omnes Omnibus:
flawless! FLAWLESS!
different-church-lady
I’m thinking “David Brooks in a skirt” as a new category.
JGabriel
Sarah @ Top:
Except that we already know from Megan’s video escapades that her kitchen is almost as big as the standard NYC studio — like for example, my apartment.
Is there a phrase that describes obtuseness combined with malignant insensitivity? Does “evil fucking ditz” work?
Edited to Add: “Fucking” to the “evil ditz” description.
.
fasteddie9318
@Omnes Omnibus: Not everybody should own one!
Little Boots
@BGinCHI:
I now have an appalling picture in my head.
but better than Alan Greenspan .. oh, god, I can’t even go on.
SiubhanDuinne
@fasteddie9318:
That, or Cheez Whiz.
BGinCHI
@JGabriel: I’d call it the Dry Noonan.
Omnes Omnibus
@Special Patrol Group: Although I risk abuse here, I got a set of good, very good, knives for Christmas last year and they are awesome. After cooking for 20+ years with shitty hand-me-down knives, I just love the good ones. Now, absent this topic or a question from someone about whether good knives make a difference in cooking, sit around and brag about them.
ETA: Of course, I will also note that she equates expensive with good.
Quarks
I feel the need to draw attention again to her spelling, from the last comments. From McMegan’s post:
“Extravagent Gestures”
BGinCHI
@Omnes Omnibus: Don’t apologize for that. Having a set of good knives is a must.
You guys get Dark Horse beer up there? It’s a MI brewery.
JGabriel
@Me @ 74:
Maybe we could call McMegan “EFD” for short?
.
Little Boots
you risk abuse because you won’t answer my impossible question.. you’re a lawyer. make scottie go away, dammit.
SiubhanDuinne
@beltane:
Tom Sawyer thought so.
Omnes Omnibus
@BGinCHI: For some reason, I am off beer lately, so I haven’t noticed. My guess is Riley’s on Gorham Street has it. They have everything.
Brad
You’d think she could at least put hollandaise on her rice.
Little Boots
oh great, a teetotaler lawyer.
dammit.
BGinCHI
@Omnes Omnibus: I just had an amazing cream stout by them. It’s called Too Cream Stout. If you get inclined and they have it, it’s damn good.
different-church-lady
@dmsilev: Motorized. You forgot motorized.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: Do you want to bankroll my expensive lifestyle and McMeganesque acquisition habit whist I do that? If not, then leave me be.
SiubhanDuinne
@The prophet Nostradumbass:
That is a combination of totally unbelievable and totally believable.
JGabriel
@Quarks:
I can’t really climb on that bandwagon, much as I’d like to. I’m a good speller in general, but I’m a lousy typist who, while typing and only while typing, drops words and makes homonym errors (your/you’re, there/their/they’re) all the time.
So for me to criticize McMegan on that score might be a little too pot-kettle-black.
.
SiubhanDuinne
Oh, by the way: the ads are for Le Cordon Bleu so I can become a “culinary chef.”
Little Boots
@Omnes Omnibus:
if it gets rid of scottie, yes.
Comrade Mary
1) Garlic shaking works with typical white garlic with relatively loose skin. Purple garlic and some other varieties, while tasty, have tighter skins that will not be shaken off (see also: Sarah Palin and tv cameras).
2) Electric kettles that fit into a base and which switch themselves off automatically are dead common in Canada. In fact, I saw one for less than ten bucks in a Canadian Tire today.
3) Microplanes are unreservedly awesome at grating lemon zest, hard cheeses, garlic, nutmeg and fingertips. You have to freeze ginger root to make it grate well.
And I can’t point and laugh at any other cook tonight because I just seriously sliced my right thumb when I took the slicing blade off the food processor by firmly grasping its large, extremely sharp edge. Oy.
different-church-lady
I must find myself a cocktail shaker I don’t wish to use for cocktails.
Silver linings: they are silver.
Little Boots
you pissed at me, omnes? do not want that. I’m truly sorry if I did that.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: Dude, shouldn’t you be tormenting DougJ? I am drinking right now. I just said I am off beer.
different-church-lady
@Comrade Mary:
Amen. A good $10 investment, especially when you have the need to rip off your signature fresh fig tart with rosemary cornmeal crust at a moment’s notice.
Wait… Megan paid $45 for hers?
Soonergrunt
@JGabriel: That’s as may be, but one can download, free of charge, a web browser like Firefox that has a spell checker.
Perhaps that’s the problem. Since it’s free, McMegan thinks it’s not good.
Firebert
For $1500, I can buy the mixer of my dreams, and have enough money left over for the refrigerator of my dreams.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: I will start forwarding my bills immediately. Some are due on Tuesday; please don’t let late fees accrue.
Suffern ACE
@Omnes Omnibus: While I can’t offer you a “revolving” account at Tiffany’s (the kind that you don’t have to actually pay back), how about a gift certificate to Bavaria? Maybe $25 per month as kind of a stipend?
JGabriel
@cathyx:
Risotto with Parmesan.
Now in McMegan’s case we’re probably talking about Uncle Ben’s & American Process Cheese-like Food. But there are variations of rice w/melted cheese that many chefs might approve.
.
different-church-lady
@Firebert: You need bigger dreams.
I have kitchen appliance lust as much as anyone. But I like to think I would not waste my career in journalism indulging in it.
Soonergrunt
@Omnes Omnibus: Well throw a couple of commas his way. Give him something, or he’ll keep pestering you like the kid brother in A Christmas Story.
beltane
@Omnes Omnibus: Good knives are one of life’s pleasures, nothing to apologize for. In fact, a good set of knives eliminates the need for a lot of the unnecessary clutter that poseurs like McArdle rely on to perform simple tasks.
SiubhanDuinne
@Comrade Mary:
I’ve never understood why electric kettles have never really caught on in the States the way, say, microwave ovens did. My kettle I think is from Canadian Tire (gift, years ago, from Owen Sound cousins) and I love it.
Omnes Omnibus
@Comrade Mary:
In the British sense, of course.
Little Boots
what’s up with you omnes?
seabe
I love your posts, Sarah. You’re a very witty and hilarious person.
different-church-lady
@seabe:
Well, she does also have the advantage of being fictional.
RSA
When I’m not up for real cooking, I’ll mix up some leftover rice and cheese with chopped jalapenos and maybe some chicken, put it between two tortillas, and toast it in a pan. Quesadillas are good comfort food.
ETA: Oh, and I saw the spice rack that McCardle recommends just a couple of weeks ago in a store. (We have a few dozen spice bottles rattling around on a shelf.) I thought the rack was a plasticky piece of crap. But maybe that’s just me.
different-church-lady
@SiubhanDuinne:
Because you can’t reheat lasagna in an electric kettle.
Soonergrunt
@different-church-lady: So does McMegan.
@different-church-lady: Well, you could, but it wouldn’t work very well.
different-church-lady
@Soonergrunt: If only.
@Soonergrunt: I don’t want to know how you know that.
Special Patrol Group
@Omnes Omnibus:
Indeed, paying more for a knife does not make the blade any sharper. But McMegan couldn’t be bothered to learn what makes a blade hold an edge better (e.g., carbon steel knives are some which do–and aren’t usually comparatively expensive).
Omnes Omnibus
@beltane: Plus, they make the most amazing guillotine-like sound as they slice through something and hit the wooden cutting board. Sometimes I cook things just so I can whack away with the knives. Yeah, I know; I am eight year old with better motor skills and credit cards.
@Soonergrunt: The commas are mine, all mine.
Suffern ACE
@different-church-lady: Sure, if you want to be all “traditional” and serve it as a solid food.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: Quoi?
The Other Chuck
@SiubhanDuinne:
Because we don’t drink tea.
different-church-lady
@Suffern ACE: I’m just thinking about what the next batch of tea might be like.
Tomato sauce in a tea kettle… garlic in a cocktail shaker… man, you folks sure dig your savory beverages.
Comrade Mary
@different-church-lady: Oh, of course, it would be totally silly to reheat lasagna in a kettle.
Now tortellini with spinach, that’s a whole different story …
Little Boots
kinda liking drunk omnes.
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: Not drunk yet. Just halfway through a first drink. Just wait.
Little Boots
@Omnes Omnibus:
uh, oh.
different-church-lady
@Comrade Mary: And that pretty much explains why I never use any of the hotel gadgets for my beverages.
I bet the hotel charged him
fifteen buckssix pounds fifty for the fork and bowl.Pongo
She’s clearly trying too hard to convince herself and others that she is not ridiculous, but I think she may have talked herself out of a sale with this article. If anyone still thought there was a slim chance that she may really be culinary genius who, unlike the rest of us ramen-slurping schlubs, truly could distinguish between a $1500 miracle machine and a $100 Costco food processor, they have now been thoroughly disabused of that notion. Some of her ‘suggestions’ are just plain tacky and smack of uncontrollable impulse buying–pathological kitsch OCD, if you will–not discriminating taste and gourmet expertise.
I don’t think she’s a snob, though, just a snob wanna be. She aspires to snobbery and deludes herself that she’s ‘made it’ by mimicking the super rich she idolizes. But articles like this demonstrate that she doesn’t truly understand snobbery. For one thing, she’s too self-aware about how ‘snobby’ she sounds. A true snob is not only completely ridiculous, they are also totally clueless about it (I refer you to Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘GOOP’ site for a beautiful example of classic clueless snobbery). McMegan’s stuff is more like what a B or C lister imagines snobbery to be–kind of like the people who think they are opera lovers who appreciate classical music because they own an Il Divo CD.
dmsilev
@different-church-lady: The bagel shop near where I work has an electric bagel cutter, a widget which is to bagels as a rotary table saw is to wooden planks. Of course, they have a reasonable need for a device that can slice a bagel in about 1.5 seconds. McMegan would probably buy one just to spare herself the effort of pushing down on a blade…
Tim in SF
She’s an idiot and never right, but damn, she makes me yearn for that Thermomix. I will have one. Though it may take me a while.
Scamp Dog
@The Other Chuck: There’s also James Fallows. I don’t read him regularly, but he does some good stuff that I really enjoy.
Little Boots
she’s a Randroid, and therefore hopelessly self absorbed. it’s part of the religion. why are people surprised by this?
Corey
I know we’re supposed to be doing Two Minutes McMegan Hate, but I wouldn’t mind having most of this stuff.
Jesus Christ, you people are ruthless.
different-church-lady
@Corey: The pig piles are a bit much at times, yes.
Omnes Omnibus
@Corey: Oh, we’ve all our own snobberies and delusions, but, Christ, I just hope I am not that appalling as I talk about them.
Also, in many ways, it is not the things, it is the attitude about them.
Little Boots
hat?
Omnes Omnibus
@Little Boots: We obviously need a DougJ thread.
Corey
@Omnes Omnibus:
Do you mean the burr vs. blade grinder thing? Because that actually really does make a difference. (Too cheap for a burr grinder myself, but have had a friends’, its the difference between home coffee and coffee shop coffee, as far as I’m concerned)
I mean, whatever, there’s no call to be snobby, and yes McMegan is extremely ideologically blinkered. But it appears as though she actually enjoys cooking, and the stuff on this list is useful, if a little whiz-bangy, and I don’t really get the hate.
Little Boots
@Omnes Omnibus:
Oh I’m just being a dick.
do not take me seriously.
I am really in awe of you. you really do know what is going on, and I like that.
kindness
Thankfully math didn’t seem to be involved in Megan’s piece. She uses a variety I don’t know.
Omnes Omnibus
@Corey: Nah, it’s the defining oneself by one’s possessions. I might just own some of those things. I might want some of the others. I don’t, however, define my worth as a person by whether or not I have them.
suzanne
That spice rack she recommended sucks balls. TOTALLY inefficient. Alton Brown suggests little containers from the hardware store with stick-on Velcro on the inside of a cabinet door. Alton is awesome. McMegan is a dumbfuck.
different-church-lady
@Omnes Omnibus: In the end, the problem is not in the things: it’s in the prattling on about the things.
Omnes Omnibus
@different-church-lady: Well stated.
Anne
Are you fucking kidding me? It’s an airtight seal. That’s it. The primary reason butter goes rancid is oxygen, and by keeping the O_2 to a minimum, you delay its descent into rancidity. I’ll grant that butter bells/boats/whatever are useful little things, but come the fuck on, it’s not “evaporative cooling.”
I’m well aware that I’m an incurable food snob, but for the love of the FSM, I hope I’m not as insufferable as McMegan.
JasperL
I have to admit I have had a salt pig nearly identical to hers – no ears, though, thank Allah, and dark blue – for more than a decade, and love it. And I’ve had a very similar electric kettle longer than that, and would replace it the next day if the one I have broke. It heats water to a boil very fast, and if you go to make tea, and forget about it for an hour, no big deal.
I peel garlic by putting them one at a time under the flat of a large knife, and just whacking the blade with my palm. Smashes the clove a bit, and the peel falls right off. But the idea of using a martini shaker is by far the best thing I learned today.
nancydarling
I have to confess to clicking on and skimming Megan’s list. I was just gob smacked by the realization that I have been making do without a kitchen twine dispenser for 40 years. I had no idea there was such a thing. Someone needs to give Megan Alice Waters’ “The Art of Simple Food” and see how a real pro does it with minimal tools. And Alice would never eat cold rice with cheese for breakfast, nor would I. I have been known to eat cold pizza for breakfast though.
suzanne
@different-church-lady: I am having a hard time at work because I now sit by a coworker who has McMegan beat by a country mile at the idiotic/self-absorbed/materialistic contest. She actually spent much of yesterday trying to convince me that she NEEDED another Louis Vuitton handbag. Not wanted. Needed. She is like nails on the chalkboard of my mind. I really cannot cpe with people like that.
When I said that millions of people in Africa manage to get by without owning anything by Louis Vuitton, she said, “But they live differently than we do.”
Head. Desk. Headdesk.
TooManyJens
@JasperL:
Hell yeah. I use mine constantly.
Omnes Omnibus
@nancydarling:
Horse of different color.
The Fat Kate Middleton
@The prophet Nostradumbass: Oh my Look at that list of clients:
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@Little Boots: That Omnes dude has a position which makes answering questions such as you posed, even hypothetically, unwise. And I hear he’s sworn off beer for absinthe, as opposed to alcohol abstinence. Pure rumor, but still.
gnomedad
Is this her idea of damage control after being mocked about the Therminator?
Also, is the pig an original Marcel duChamp?
Scott Alloway
Dearest Megan …
Please find an old edition of The Joy of Cooking. Within said pages, it will guide through the cleaning, skinning and preparation of game and love stock (Been there, done that).
Screw bechamel, hollandaise and bernaise sauces. Become a real cook.
Machines to do the work? Get the hell outa my kitchen.
Me? I’ve been cooking dinner for me and the Ms. for 31 years and counting (and Madam is a VERY fussy eater – even now, as I break from the Christmas cookies, she is fussing over the layers of powdered sugar o the three-eyes cookies).
Much love,
Scott
Omnes Omnibus
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): He knows. He does it as torment. BTW it’s brandy this evening. I am think of getting some Calvados tomorrow.
ThresherK
@suzanne: I can’t imagine someone who professes to be a foodie, in public, being more in danger of kidnapping and relocation to Good Eats Boot Camp (would that there were such a place).
Actually, she can start with Sandra Lee, and work her way up from there.
nancydarling
@gnomedad: She’s doubling down.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@suzanne: Holy rollerskating fuck They live differently? Yeah, bitch – it’s the starvation lifestyle. Please put her out of my misery.
kthnxbai
Svensker
@Pongo:
This was new to me. I found this gem:
The absolute highlight of my trip was eating at Schwa. Chef Michael Carlson and his brother Seth who run it are so punk rock that they don’t even answer the phone, which makes getting a table difficult, yet weirdly fascinating.
ETA: And how could I have missed the $250 shorts?
FMguru
All that specialized kitchen crap is just the anixous Nouveau Riche equivalent of the Slap Chop(tm) and other As Seen On TV products. Equally useless, but costing 50 times more. Amazing.
different-church-lady
@gnomedad: The original was lost after the Armory Show. This is an authorized reproduction.
suzanne
@ThresherK: Sandra Lee? No way. She can start with this fabulous recipe from Rachael Ray.
My awful coworker is also named Rachael. Coincidence?
different-church-lady
@suzanne:
Sometimes I marvel over the fact that my Mr. Boston Platinum cocktail guide includes recipes for things such as Scotch and Water.
suzanne
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): She and I sit at the front of the office. This afternoon, I got so annoyed that I went and sat in an empty station at the back. I could still hear her fucking obnoxious voice.
@FMguru: The slap chop is awesome. It’s the only way I can chop onions.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@The Fat Kate Middleton: Quite a record, that, isn’t it?
Sarah Proud and Tall
@suzanne:
Jesus. The end times really are upon us, aren’t they?
suzanne
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): She’s so awful. She bragged to all of us (when we got our hours cut back) that she bought each of her sons and her husband their own Wiis. And expressed her joy that her husband is not paying adequate child support to the mother of his children from his previous marriage so that she can spend it all on her two little brats.
Omnes Omnibus
@suzanne: You could, of course, drop a dime. Just saying, not necessarily recommending.
suzanne
@Omnes Omnibus: That’s tempting. Sorely.
Omnes Omnibus
@suzanne: “Won’t someone think of the children?”
The Moar You Know
I feel bad for McArdle, now. Her life is obviously shatteringly empty, miserable and utterly devoid of love. Things only ameliorate the void for a while, and she’s so hooked she has to keep upping the ante. Yeah, she’s got money and she’ll never know the meaning of want, but she can keep it. She has nothing else. That is fucking sad.
FMguru
@The Moar You Know: There’s a famous line from Slaughterhouse Five, where the narrator descibes his mother as “Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops”. Megs is just that on a much larger scale (replace ‘gift shops’ with ‘the williams sonoma catalog’).
No one of importance
@cathyx: A gourmand would. A gourmet, non.
Recall
@nancydarling: Oddly, I just realized how much I need a plastic wrap dispenser.
Joey Maloney
@beltane: A porcelain Fleshlight?
The prophet Nostradumbass
@No one of importance: Heh. Reminds me of something from Cheers, where Diane “compliments” Sam by telling him he’s a “regular Gourmand”.
Ruckus
@suzanne:
I’m pretty sure billions of us get by without anything by Louis Vuitton. And some of us are even happier for it.
Joey Maloney
@Comrade Mary:
Here’s an Alton Brown tip I have found works very well for grating ginger: wrap your box grater in plastic wrap. You’d think it would tear, but it doesn’t and then you unwrap it and all the ginger and juice is right there instead of stuck in the grater holes.
furioso ateo
I have to admit to not being a fan of Sarah, normally. But, Goddammit if this wasn’t the most excellent thing I read all day.
Debbie(aussie)
Thank you so much,I needed to lol.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
Anal Retentive Chef, anyone?
opie jeanne
@Special Patrol Group: For such a fucking snob she pines for an ordinary set of cookware that can be had for a third the price of that Bechamel gadget.
Yutsano
@ThresherK:
The ersatz First Lady of New York who is really a window decoration merchandiser?
pseudonymous in nc
This is sorta kinda true, in that there’s a bigger market, more choice, and mainly that the electricity is 240V, which is a big advantage for boiling water fast. But the Japanese have the bestest gadgety kettles.
@Special Patrol Group:
I’m glad you noticed that. It’s definitely her personal affiliate code, going back to her Jane Galt days (yes, she’s been doing this forever) and while I don’t have a problem with amateur bloggers getting some affiliate pennies from Amazon, I do have a problem with it being done by someone who’s already fucking overpaid for her dreck.
The Frito Pundito
“rhythmically whirl, whirl, whirl her towards orgasm”
That line made me spit out my $50/quart Danish milk out all over my $1000 Irish linen tablecloth.
MonkeyBoy
@Raven:
I own one. It is one of those essential tools that rarely gets used and you have to hunt for it when you need it. I use it maybe 2 times a year for roasted turkeys and pot-roast type things. One alternative if you can spare a day is to put the fatty liquid in the fridge and remove the solidified fat from the top the next day. For large amounts of liquid the fridge technique is the best.
wetcasements
Maybe it’s because I live in Korea, but re-heating cold rice for breakfast is something only alcoholics and the insane would do.
Rice is _really_ easy to cook Megan — just make as much as you need.
dance around in your bones
I LOVE this place. O snark, where is thy sting?
Why, right here on BJ!….just place 13 snarks in a martini shaker, agitate vigorously, and the laughs just separate, like whites from a yolk. Cost? Free, like a bird…I’mma holding up my lighter, lit with the fire of a thousand comments!
:::gotta express my love before I pass out:::
Djur
I… think that salt cellar is cute.
ThresherK
@suzanne: Point taken.
@Yutsano: She’s dating Andrew Cuomo? I did not know that.
More words than I’ve ever actually thought of about R. Ray and S. Lee: I don’t pretend to choose between the two, especially since I have a household of two people, so I get to indulge in cooking without, say, feedback from a picky 6-y.o. (like I was once).
But in the space of 21 minutes’ running time, I’m just too little of a dude to care about tablescaping. If I’m fixed in the room doing something important and the TV is also on, Rachel Ray may be working on something that just might catch my interest enough to stay tuned; Sandra Lee, never.
And in the hurdle of “Have you ever looked up a recipe online after seeing it on TV”, neither.
RobertB
@Raven & MonkeyBoy: I’ll third the notion of the gravy separator being a Good Thing. Whatever sins I commit when making gravy, ‘Too greasy’ isn’t one of them.
WereBear
@SiubhanDuinne: We have an electric kettle, and I love it. Boils the water faster, especially small amounts, so it saves electricity, and if I forget about it, no harm done.
Violet
I realize I’m very late to this thread, but my inability to look away from trainwrecks caused me to click over to McMegan’s post. When skimming the comments I caught this from her:
Oh goody. I guess that means we’ve got a book tour to look forward to.
Jennifer
For garlic, get yourself a handy little invention called the garlic twist. Put the peeled cloves in it, twist the two sides back and forth until you get it minced to the size you want, and that’s it. Plus it cleans really easily. I use mine for mincing ginger, too – I just cut it into smaller pieces beforehand.
On the subject of the best spice rack, I had my BIL build one for me – I can’t describe it without a picture – but it’s wood and has a series of 4 shelves, stepping up (the bottom shelf is the longest, the next up is the next longest, and so on) and it sits on the countertop up against the edge of the refrigerator cabinet. Then I bought some watchmaker’s cases for spice containers, and printed off labels for them on the computer. Then I filled them up with bulk spices from the local health food store. People ask all the time where I got it. I actually stole the idea from a Martha Stewart catalog, but unlike hers, mine didn’t cost $150, so it wouldn’t do it for McMegan.
Commenting at Ballon Juice since 1937
I think the ‘salt pig’ is really intended to hold cocaine.
Special Patrol Group
@pseudonymous in nc:
It isn’t so much that she’s getting a piece of the action, although as you note, she’s the last to deserve it as she’s a paid blogger–and a horrible one at that. The real problem is that she didn’t mention it. Again. Some might say that she has an ethics problem.
Pongo
@dance around in your bones: I guess if we were nice people we would be ashamed of ourselves for picking on someone who clearly has a disability–KKT (‘kitchen kitsch tourette’s’), a tragic impulse buying disorder characterized by total lack of discretion coupled with zero self-awareness. Thankfully, we aren’t nice people.
Bluecrab
Man… so glad I stumbled onto this… it’s even better than that defunct website with all of the Rachael Ray haters. Megan McCardle is truly insufferable. I think she knows about as much about cooking as she does about economics.
opie jeanne
I just took a look at a video of McMegan’s kitchen, from when she told us how tedious baking used to be, and she has too much crap in that kitchen. I thought I was bad but she’s got me beat by a mile.
And her cabinets make me think she has no taste.
The Other Chuck
@Jennifer:
Oh is that what they’re calling bud grinders now? I’ve got a “garlic twist” sitting next to my rolling papers.
sukabi
Cheese and rice for dinner and breakfast, no wonder she writes like she’s full of shit… probably hasn’t been able to take one for the last decade as her colon has become the home of a large, solid brick.
and btw, if she’d quit spending her money on expensive kitchen gadgets she likely only uses once or twice, she’d have the money to actually buy some food that isn’t cheese or rice… (wonder if she gets hers at the local food pantry… gov surplus cheese & butter)
Hewer of Wood, Drawer of Water
Late to this too, but what got me when I mistakenly clicked on the link was that there was a “number of people who are not-so-subtly chivvying me to get this up early so they can get a jump on their shopping.” For the love of FSM, are there people so vapid that they need to rely on McArgleBargle to tell them what salt pig or twine dispenser to buy. Sweet Jeebus, save us all
dance around in your bones
@Pongo:
This is just classic, and has been immediately added to my private lexicon. Grazi!
saltpig
Salt pigs are convenient, but if she knows her salt and is using anything that actually has flavor, she wouldn’t leave it in an open-air container like that. Salt absorbs moisture from the air and it will begin to break down and lose it’s flavor pretty quickly in open air containers, not to mention dust and dirt that will settle on it in a busy kitchen.
Mister Papercut
@beltane:
:lightbulb: The Goatse Salt Dispenser. Why hasn’t this (presumably) happened yet, Internet?
Pongo
@Svensker: Is she not the master of snobbish absurdity? And the depth of her total cluelessness about how absurd she is just makes it that much more inadvertently entertaining. These are heights of pompous inaccessibility McMegan can only dream of. She wants to count herself among this glitzy club, but, as the saying goes, ‘we know Gwyneth Paltrow and you, Ms. McArdle, are no Gwynnie.’
Besides I think McMegan totally stole the pink Himalayan sea salt thing from Gwyneth, so she must be a devotee of GOOP. Of course, the difference is that Gwynnie probably actually traveled to the Pink Himalayan Sea for her version and would be mortified to have to settle for the tacky Williams-Sonoma version.
Marc
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
The reviews of that recipe are very funny.
Jamie
Oh, god, this person holds a sinecure at the Atlantic, claims to be a sophisticated foodie, and is still eating failed experiments from cheap college food?
Starch and fat combos come in such better combinations. Don’t get me wrong – I eat a lot of rice, and I also eat a lot of cheese. Does the Thermotron 9000 have a setting for that? Does it also rehumidify stolen bagels from the dining hall?
I’m not trying to be proud here. My easy food is bean soup, with whatever is on hand, or more commonly buying a burrito on the way home for $5. But I graduated from chipped beef gravy on toast in my early 20s.