Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Radicalized white males who support Trump are pitching a tent in the abyss.

Never entrust democracy to any process that requires republicans to act in good faith.

Welcome to day five of every-bit-as-bad-as-you-thought-it-would-be.

Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

Not rolling over. fuck you, make me.

It’s pointless to bring up problems that can only be solved with a time machine.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

She burned that motherfucker down, and I am so here for it. Thank you, Caroline Kennedy.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

We know you aren’t a Democrat but since you seem confused let me help you.

I desperately hope that, yet again, i am wrong.

The “burn-it-down” people are good with that until they become part of the kindling.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

Someone should tell Republicans that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, or possibly the first.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

“Perhaps I should have considered other options.” (head-desk)

Giving in to doom is how authoritarians win.

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

The media handbook says “controversial” is the most negative description that can be used for a Republican.

Many life forms that would benefit from greater intelligence, sadly, do not have it.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / I’m a Godfather!!!

I’m a Godfather!!!

by | 78 Comments

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My really good friend Ryan just called to inform me that his son was born at 11:30 central time, weighing in at almost 8 lbs, 19″ long, and with good color and vitals. His name is Cole (sort of after moi- they just loved my last name as a first name for a kid). I’m stoked.

Welcome to the universe, Cole!

Reader Interactions

78Comments

  2. 2.

    Warren Terra

    Congratulations to them, and to you.

    Don’t you have to promise to make sure he grows up as a good Christian to be a Godfather? Or is this a more informal honor?

    In any case, weren’t you already the godfather of the Balloon Juice family, John Cole(one) being an obvious rhyming pseudonym for Don Corleone?

  6. 6.

    Warren Terra

    Gads, I’d not have thought my Hebrew, which is not so much rusty as the faint hint of a red stain where once it stood, would be good enough to recognize Joey’s second line, which in context seems to be special congratulations on the occasion of a firstborn.

  9. 9.

    Debbie(aussie)

    Wonderful news. For you John and for your friend and his partner. Congrats all round.Welcome little Cole.

  10. 10.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    Congrats!

    My firstborn one day came into the house claiming he had seen God the Father. We were, of course, somewhat excited. Turns out, he had seen his Godfather (good friend of ours), who lived on the same street, driving by, and waving at him.

    A story which is recalled every time we see our friends.

  13. 13.

    Big City Mary

    Uh, this is a very BIG DEAL. You need to read up on this and be prepared to raise the child if anything should happen to the parents.

  14. 14.

    KRK

    Congrats!

    Did anyone think to warn the kid that someday, and that day may never come, you may call upon him to do a service for you Tunch?

  16. 16.

    Villago Delenda Est

    OK, time for you to put out your own 999 plan for young Cole.

    9 bucks in the education fund
    9 Dr. Seuss books
    9 month subscription to WoW

  18. 18.

    Jebediah

    @Villago Delenda Est:
    Or just one 999 album. A totally not-made-up and wise-but-humble cab driver told me that all infinks really love late-70’s English punk. Helps them sleep. Or something.

  20. 20.

    bend

    Congratulations!
    As the godfather it’s your job to ensure that the boy get’s circumcised. It’s a covenant with God, John.
    Just kidding!
    It’s for hygenic reasons…

  21. 21.

    Anne Laurie

    Congratulations, John! Welcome to the neighborhood, young Cole ver.2.0!

    Given your history, John, perhaps your first baby gift should include safety equipment… along with the biggest white plush cat toy you can find…

  22. 22.

    freelancer

    Congrats, John.

    Being a Godfather is pretty cool. You get to smile and be admired, and you get to hand the little shit back to his parents when he starts to freak.

  25. 25.

    stibbert

    cheers for the new Cole, let’s hope the multiverse cuts him some slack ’til he’s able to cope.

    best wishes to his mum & da, also too.

  27. 27.

    Wrye

    Wonderful news! But…”Cole” and not “Tunch”? Better not let The White Anvil find out, or his vengeance will be terrible to behold….

  28. 28.

    JGabriel

    OT, but from today’s Times:

    THE unilateral decision last week by Kathleen Sebelius, the secretary of health and human services, to block the Plan B One-Step contraceptive pill from being sold to adolescents without a prescription is shocking in more ways than one.
    __
    […]
    __
    The only solution, then, is to make the F.D.A. truly independent. Americans have already done this, through the Federal Reserve, to protect our money supply from political meddling; it’s time to do it for drugs.

    While I can see an argument for this … dude, no one is going think making anything more like the Federal Reserve is a good idea right now. The right hates the Fed, while the left thinks the Fed leans right and that its reputation for being apolitical is highly overrated, and even independents think the Fed is overly solicitous to the banking and financial industry.

    Try looking for a better analogy.

    .

  29. 29.

    JGabriel

    @bend:

    As the godfather it’s your job to ensure that the boy get’s circumcised. It’s a covenant with God, John.

    And to ensure he gets a thorough religious education so he can go to heaven. If Catholic, that’ll include making sure he receives communion and confirmation. Furthermore, you’ll be expected to adopt if the kid’s parents die.

    It’s an enormous responsibility and commitment in the Eyes of God, John. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?

    .

  30. 30.

    dance around in your bones

    ♫ ♬ Happy, happy, birthday baby
    Although you’re with somebody new
    Thought I’d drop a line to say
    That I wish this happy day
    Would find me beside you.

    Happy, happy, birthday baby
    No, I can’t call you my baby
    Seems like years ago we met
    On a day I can’t forget.

    ‘Cause that’s when we fell in love
    Do you remember the names we had for each other
    You were my pretty, I was your baby
    How could we say goodbye?

    Hope I didn’t spoil your birthday
    I know I’m acting kinda crazy
    So I’ll close this note to you
    With good luck and wishes too.

    Happy, happy birthday baby
    Do you remember the names we had for each other
    You were my pretty..I was your baby
    How could we say goodbye?

    Hope I didn’t spoil your birthday
    I know I’m acting kinda crazy
    So, I’ll close this note to you
    With good luck and wishes too.

    Happy, happy, birthday baby ♫ ♬

    P.S. This is just what came to mind, besides, all the good Godfather jokes were already taken. Plus, I think Cole is a pretty neat name for a happy happy birthday baby!

    Congrats ;)

  32. 32.

    SRW1

    Congratulations.

    Please be careful with the bundle. At this stage they are kind of fragile.

    ETA: I see Anne Laurie already touched on the sensitive topic.

  38. 38.

    max

    But is Ryan’s last name John? Since then you would have reverse John Cole, potentially a great super villain. (Or super hero.)

    max
    [‘Congrats.’]

  39. 39.

    HRA

    Congratulations to the parents and to the godfather.

    Welcome to Cole with wishes for a long and healthy life.

  41. 41.

    R-Jud

    @RedKitten: Little Cole should get a “John Cole Action Playset”: Terrible Towel, set of three plush animals, Little Feat albums, lifelike hospital bill, mop (costume not necessary).

  42. 42.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Welcome, little Cole! Your godfather and his minions are all working hard to give you a good world.

  43. 43.

    JGabriel

    Ravi Somaiya, New York Times on the latest revelations regarding James Murdoch’s Blackberry:

    But the new documents appear to add fuel to a controversy that has severely damaged the reputation of the News Corporation …

    Personally, I think “confirmed” would have been a more accurate choice than “severely damaged”.

    .

  45. 45.

    Hawes

    Here’s what you say at the christening.

    “I can do this thing for you. But one day – and that day may never come – I will ask you to do me a favor.”

    And then you kill the heads of the Five Families. Plus, Mo Green, because nobody hits Fredo Rosie like that.

  46. 46.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Hawes: You don’t kill anyone. They all just happen to be killed during the the baptism. Total coinkydink.

    ETA: Congrats, Cole.

  52. 52.

    JCT

    Ditto Joey Maloney — saved me from having to dig up my rusty hebrew.

    Welcome Little Cole — so, John, are you in charge of choosing his first pet?

  60. 60.

    dance around in your bones

    I don’t want my brother coming out of that toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright? …

    No particular reason, just love that line. The Godfather is a goldmine of quotes, como Pulp Fiction tambien.

    only youse gotta say da Godfadda; tho I liked Libby’s Godpop.

  61. 61.

    dance around in your bones

    frick, I forgot that the word tam.bien contains the am.bien drug moderation time-out. cwap.

  62. 62.

    PaulW

    Started writing a homage to the Baptism scene from The Godfather, but realized it would be in poor taste, especially for the Theocon jerk who gets the Moe Greene Special. My apologies.

  63. 63.

    kay

    Congratulations!
    It means you have to buy him a car when he turns 16. It’s in there. Read the fine print.

  66. 66.

    Culture of Truth

    It’s your job to instill in him good values by getting him a job as a janitor in ten five years.

  69. 69.

    Violet

    Congratulations, John! Being a godparent is excellent fun. You get to be the one who sends the presents that makes lots of noise and get the kids hyped up on sugar before you drop the back off with their parents who get to deal with the aftermath.

  72. 72.

    IrishGirl

    Congrats to you and the parents! Cole is a wonderful first name….Now we want to see a pic of you holding the baby….please! I now officially have baby lust. ;)

  73. 73.

    gogol's wife

    Congratulations! I’m a godmother to a lovely young woman in Moscow, and it is really a great thing. Especially when you don’t have any of your own (if you don’t count all the 18-21 year-olds whose hands I hold as part of my job).

  76. 76.

    A.G.

    Welcome to the world, Little Cole!

    Sending waves of positive vibes to the newborn. And congrats to Ryan, his family and you, John.

  77. 77.

    Brachiator

    @John Cole:

    So, as could be said about the famous soul singer, “Say it loud, You’re the Godfather of Cole!”

    Congrats.

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