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You are here: Home / Open Threads / It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

by John Cole|  December 19, 201111:37 am| 167 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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I don’t know what I am going to have to do to get out of this holiday funk. Just as uninterested in Christmas as I have ever been.

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Reader Interactions

167Comments

  1. 1.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Give poor people money.

  2. 2.

    blondie

    December 19, 2011 at 11:39 am

    A cliche, only because it’s true, volunteer at the nearest place that serves food to the poor or buy gifts that could be given to children who eat there. It will break your heart and simultaneously make it grow 3 times its size.

  3. 3.

    Kay Shawn

    December 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Yes; give to the poor and give your pets extra snacks.

  4. 4.

    dmsilev

    December 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    You could enlist in the War Against Christmas. I hear the ObamaGestapo is recruiting for foot soldiers to go beat up mall Santas. Good benefits, too; free gay abortions for all new recruits!

  5. 5.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Recommended in this order:

    1. Vodka.

    2. Volunteering and/or Big Brother Program.

    3. Convert to Judaism.

    4. Steal cop car and go on wild crime spree.

    Note: If you go right to step 4, do NOT skip step 1.

  6. 6.

    PeakVT

    December 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Pretend that you’re in Australia and it’s the middle of the summer. Or go there if you can afford it.

  7. 7.

    cathyx

    December 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Another volunteer opportunity is to bring your dogs to an old folks home or shelter to help cheer up the residents.

  8. 8.

    cathyx

    December 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I usually need a trip to a warm climate about February to recharge my batteries. Even if it’s a long weekend it makes all the difference. If you start to plan it now, you’ll be amazed how much it perks up your mood.

  9. 9.

    Suffern ACE

    December 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

    @BGinCHI: Yes, because what every kid longs for is a drunk Big Brother who is down on the whole holiday spirit thing.

  10. 10.

    cathyx

    December 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

    @Suffern ACE: That is very funny.

  11. 11.

    draftmama

    December 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

    We haven’t done Christmas for years – don’t shop for junk to support corporate retailers who treat their employees like crap – just get together and cook and eat lots of wonderful food because we have two days to recover.

  12. 12.

    Schlemizel

    December 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Kick the crutch out from under an invalid! Have a beggar arrested! Mock some charities! Then wait around until you are visited by 4 dead guys who will show you how great life used to be & what a dick you have become & what is in store for you in the after life if you don’t shape up.

  13. 13.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

    @Suffern ACE: It’s WV, so Cole would still be an over-achiever.

  14. 14.

    sherifffruitfly

    December 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

    3 things are keeping me upbeat:

    1) Bought me a laptop, have had it for a week or so now. love it.

    2) Going to see Prince tonite in concert.

    3) Got a date with a smokingly hawt girl tomorrow.

    #winning

  15. 15.

    seanindc

    December 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

    level a jedi knight.

  16. 16.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

    @Schlemizel: You can’t spell Dickens without d-i-c-k.

  17. 17.

    Kola Noscopy

    December 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

    John, just celebrate or observe the holiday at whatever level you feel like, even if that means not at all.

    I enjoy the holiday season a lot more since I focus on celebrating in at my chosen level and pace; ignoring the societal pressure to be all “happy/joyful/whatever/buy shit” 24/7.

    fuck that

  18. 18.

    FFrank

    December 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

    John,

    Next year, I’ll invite you to Santarchy Pittsburgh. 200+ people dressed up as all sorts of crazy holiday costumes.

    We make the days of lil kids, mess with adults minds, hit the strip bars and the gay bars, sing dirty carols to Scientologists, ride boats across the river to the steelers stadium and get vera, vera (the scotsman in me) drunk. It brings back the spirit of the season including the suicidal hangover.

  19. 19.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

    @sherifffruitfly: Did 1 lead to 2 and 3?

    If so, please detail make and model of magic rock & roll ladykiller laptop machine. This could really solve JC’s problem.

  20. 20.

    Amir Khalid

    December 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

    The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year is the Christmas song that reminds me of the Cigarette-Smoking Man from The X-Files. He too had problems getting into the Christmas spirit.

  21. 21.

    chopper

    December 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

    @BGinCHI:

    3. Convert to Judaism.

    yeah, cause being jewish makes it so much easier to deal with all the christmas stuff out there.

  22. 22.

    amk

    December 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Arm wrestle tunch. Bet he will lick you.

  23. 23.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

    @chopper: At least he’d kvetch with more enthusiasm.

  24. 24.

    Sloegin

    December 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Nieces and nephews are my Christmas lifeline; after they get older it’s off to volunteer somewhere.

  25. 25.

    Jay C

    December 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

    @FFrank:

    Your “inner Scotsman” is named Vera Vera?

  26. 26.

    sherifffruitfly

    December 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

    @BGinCHI:

    :D

    Nope, all 3 as independent as events get.

  27. 27.

    IrishGirl

    December 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I am in a funk this year too! I usually don’t care if I am alone during the holidays but this year it is bothering me for some reason. At least I have my rugrats part of the time and they will be blissed out in gift heaven, so I can vicariously experience some the joy of the season through them. I was considering volunteer work at a soup kitchen, something for you to think about, maybe?

  28. 28.

    schrodinger's cat

    December 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Put antlers on Tunch. Then photograph him. Upload the photograph for your loyal commenters. Keep a first aid kit at hand, just in case.

  29. 29.

    cathyx

    December 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I have a banner add at the top of this page that advertises A Free Ann Coulter column every week. She has to give the milk away for free to get anyone to read it.

  30. 30.

    Comrade Dread

    December 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Stop watching cable news. Stop reading about politics on the internet. Complete blackout.

    For that matter, avoid Christmas Carol type stories. It’ll just get you thinking about how society in 2016 will reflect the Dickensian dramas.

    If all else fails, Egg Nog.

    Heavy on the Nog.

    By which I mean booze.

  31. 31.

    Dave

    December 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

    A bottle of Basil Hayden, pets at hand and funny Christmas movies on a loop (two of which should be Elf and A Christmas Story).

  32. 32.

    Jennifer

    December 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

    It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

    Heh. Perhaps you should check out the Cthulhu carols from the HP Lovecraft Historical Society. I’ve posted the one that parodies the song you reference in your title here.

  33. 33.

    Punchy

    December 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Jump on Match.com and find yerself a lady like the rest of us did. Holidays are INFINITELY more fun with a chick.

  34. 34.

    JGabriel

    December 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

    OT. This is a little weird. Probably not important, but we’ll see.

    There’s a new website with a petition for Hillary to run for President in 2012, runhillary2012.net. Note that I’m not linking it. The forum has about four members … yes, 4. That was about an hour ago, so maybe it’s up to five or 6 now.

    So far, just your typical no-hopers supporting a fantasy candidate.

    So how did I even hear about this obscurity? Telemarketing. Someone recorded a message to tell people about this website and PAID to have it robocall people … where? Here in NYC? All over the country? I don’t know.

    The message was left on my voicemail around 9:40am. GOP ratfucker or deluded, persistent, PUMA? Anyone else hear from these losers?

    .

  35. 35.

    Violet

    December 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Take your dogs for a walk and then volunteer somewhere where folks are much less blessed with the good things in life than you are. Helping kids who aren’t going to have a good Christmas have a better one can do wonders for your holiday spirit too.

  36. 36.

    schrodinger's cat

    December 19, 2011 at 11:59 am

    @Comrade Dread: And chocolate, that always helps me. Mr cat got me some great chocolate pecan clusters when he went to Philly last weekend. They were so good!

  37. 37.

    Villago Delenda Est

    December 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Eggnog. Spiked with rum. Or tequila. Or bourbon. Or Seagram’s Seven. Or Everclear.

    DO NOT MIX WITH SCOTCH OR YOU WILL BE PUNISHED BY SOME BERZERK SCOTSMAN.

  38. 38.

    Mnemosyne

    December 19, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Aha! Found it. Sorry for the crappy quality.

  39. 39.

    JGabriel

    December 19, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Comrade Dread:

    It’ll just get you thinking about how society in 2016 will today reflect the Dickensian dramas.

    Fixed that for ya.

    .

  40. 40.

    Villago Delenda Est

    December 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @Schlemizel:

    Then, wake up from the nightmare and realize you are NOT Dick Cheney.

  41. 41.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @Villago Delenda Est: No one expects the Scottish eggnog Inquisition.

  42. 42.

    Raven

    December 19, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    A full slate of NFL on xmas eve and even a Bear-Packer game Christmas night. What else could you ask for?

  43. 43.

    Jennifer

    December 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    For holiday blahs, here’s a gift that’s always wanted, needed, and appreciated and will make you feel like a million bucks for giving.

  44. 44.

    JGabriel

    December 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    John Cole:

    I don’t know what I am going to have to do to get out of this holiday funk.

    You’ll do the same as the rest of us: suffer.

    Eventually it will be over, and then there will be something new to be miserable about.

    I’m thinking of changing my userid to “Sunshine”.

    .

  45. 45.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    December 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    @BGinCHI: Why do want him to convert to Judaism before he goes on a drunken crime spree? So it will be bad for the Jews? A schande vor die Goyim? Oy

    @JGabriel:

    The forum has about four members … yes, 4. That was about an hour ago, so maybe it’s up to five or 6 now.

    The usual suspects can now write articles about a growing anti-Obama movement.

  46. 46.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    @Raven: Thumb replacement surgery, a healthy running back, a WR not in the Bighouse.

  47. 47.

    RalfW

    December 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Yer funk is pervasive.

    Boehner is marching in the fail parade today, and no FPer cares.

    Huh.

  48. 48.

    Raven

    December 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I just bought “The Man Who Invented Christmas” about Dickens. I’ll let you know what it says.

  49. 49.

    Brian S

    December 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Go to Chicago and watch the Commedia Beauregard do an adaptation of Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol.” If it’s possible, it’s more awesome than it sounds.

  50. 50.

    Schlemizel

    December 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    @JGabriel:
    Probably a rodentialy intercourse inclined person hoping to catch basins of tears. If I were a Republican I would have already started trying to peel any unhinged voters from Obama. Certainly the 3rd way bullshit that popped up on the net is in that vein.

    You know you can’t beat him one on one with a bozos you have so you have to cut into his support & hope you 27% loonie bin can carry the day.

  51. 51.

    Bex

    December 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Has it been cloudy and dark in WVa lately? Maybe you has a SAD.

  52. 52.

    Ben Cisco

    December 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    @Comrade Dread: Winner!

  53. 53.

    BGinCHI

    December 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Can’t answer that here. Trade secret.

  54. 54.

    Ben Cisco

    December 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    @amk:

    Arm wrestle tunch. Bet he will lick you.

    Yeah, probably so. Wait…

  55. 55.

    Ben Cisco

    December 19, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    @cathyx: That ain’t milk, that’s curd.

  56. 56.

    amk

    December 19, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    @Ben Cisco: egg.sack.lee. cole loses either way.

  57. 57.

    rikyrah

    December 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    sit in a mall and watch the kids going to see Santa. Did that yesterday while waiting for my niece . just seeing the kids perked me up, especially the ones that were all dressed up.

    that, and a Christmas music marathon always help me.

  58. 58.

    Ben Cisco

    December 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    @JGabriel:

    GOP ratfucker or deluded, persistent, PUMA?

    How’d that phrase go? “A distinction without a difference.”

  59. 59.

    NobodySpecial

    December 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Cole: Modern Warfare 3. You can pretend all the bad guys are whoever. Then you can pump them full of virtual lead, your stress levels will fall, and unlike a Hitchens exercise in warmongering, no one gets hurt.

  60. 60.

    Hill Dweller

    December 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Go read Charlie Pierce’s evisceration of Chunky Bobo. It got me in the holiday spirit.

  61. 61.

    Linda Featheringill

    December 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    @Schlemizel: #12

    LOL! That’s the spirit!

  62. 62.

    Brian S

    December 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    @rikyrah: I’m working in retail for the first time in 15 years this year. My job is a Christmas music marathon. Some observations:

    Duke Ellington’s “Sugar Rum Cherry” is the coolest Christmas music I’ve ever heard.

    Julie Andrews manages to sing “Jingle Bells” like she has a rod jammed up her ass.

    I will never get used to hearing Neil Diamond singing Jesus-y Christmas carols, not because he’s Jewish, but because he sounds like he’s trying to fuck me with his voice the whole time.

  63. 63.

    Violet

    December 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Hey, look! Here’s a column that’s relevant for soooo many people in America. How to talk to your kids about money if you’re rich. An excerpt:

    “So, how about us?” he asked. “Are we the 99 percent or the 1 percent?”
    __
    I said that we were part of the 99 percent, but that we were incredibly fortunate. “We’re more like the 5 percent,” I said (without divulging exactly how much we earn).

    No one will cop to being in the 1%. Thank you New York Times for providing such insightful and relevant commentary.

  64. 64.

    TooManyJens

    December 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    I just typed up a whole rant about the inconvenience of the RSS feed for Charlie Pierce’s posts that was so whiny and spoiled that I can’t even bring myself to post it here.

    (But it’s still inconvenient.)

  65. 65.

    eemom

    December 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Just as uninterested in Christmas as I have ever been.

    yeah well, count your blessings bucko. I’m not interested in it either — in fact I fucking HATE it — but I still have to knock myself out with decorating and shopping and shit — even while I am totally stressed out at work right now — because I have kids and I can’t let them down.

    I hate Christmas more than eleventy infinity Grinches plus two.

  66. 66.

    waratah

    December 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    @PeakVT: John you would love Christmas in Australia. Wish I was going to be there this year with my family in Sydney.

  67. 67.

    joeyess

    December 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Cole, the porcupine it with you. I swear the little guy says “fuck that” when told to say “merry christmas”.

  68. 68.

    PeakVT

    December 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    @TooManyJens: Partial feeds are a pain, but media outlets need the page hits.

  69. 69.

    Punchy

    December 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Eggnog. Spiked with rum. Or tequila. Or bourbon. Or Seagram’s Seven. Or Everclear.

    Te-kill-ya? Peeps Nogg with Cuervo?

  70. 70.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    December 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Go to K-Mart and pay someone’s layaway bill anonymously.

  71. 71.

    TooManyJens

    December 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    @Violet: I didn’t think it was so bad, really. The mom didn’t tell her kid that they have a lot of money because they just work harder than other people or they’re the “job creators” or some bullshit like that. She told him that they were very lucky, and that most people don’t have the good fortune they do even though they work extremely hard. She then encouraged him to empathize with other people. You’re right, it’s not a very relevant column (although it is to the Times’ target market), but I don’t have a problem with the content.

  72. 72.

    piratedan

    December 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    go and become a Walmart Layaway Angel, take an amount of money as you determine useful and go and payoff as many layaway items as you can for complete strangers….

    volunteering is also a great idea, you like to create in the kitchen, bake or create something for a local nursing home or homeless shelter.

  73. 73.

    carpeduum

    December 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    No worries, I’m sure another opportunity for firebaggers to soil their diapers is just around the corner and your prozac will be kicking in any time now.

  74. 74.

    joeyess

    December 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    @waratah: then you have to love this.

  75. 75.

    Maude

    December 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    After someone dies, you prolly don’t feel like doing high kicks. Celebrate it another time when you feel like it. I’ve done that and it works.

  76. 76.

    Butch

    December 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    We decorated like crazy because it’s our first holiday in our Upper Peninsula farmhouse, but made the few presents we’re giving (baskets of homemade ice cream toppings). People seemed to appreciate the handmade stuff.

  77. 77.

    TooManyJens

    December 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    @PeakVT: I understand the partial feeds, but they also don’t update the feed very often and they just took away the “Most recent” block in the sidebar. Grumble.

  78. 78.

    Villago Delenda Est

    December 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Cripes, Chunky BoBo is such a vile shitstain, the term “vile shitstain” is really too mild to adequately describe him.

  79. 79.

    merrinc

    December 19, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Like our bloghost, I also have a holiday funk. But I thought surely, the smartest commenters on the Intertoobz would have helpful advice. 65 posts later and while I am somewhat amused, I am still uninterested in Xmas. Thanks a lot, people. You all suck.

  80. 80.

    dslakter

    December 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    It could be worse: My wife of six years has had an affair, and we’re getting divorced. Happy holidays!

  81. 81.

    wasabi gasp

    December 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Kick up and let Jesus carry you.

  82. 82.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Things could be worse: My wife of six years has had an affair, and we are now getting divorced. Happy holidays, indeed!

  83. 83.

    handsmile

    December 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    @Jennifer: (#43)

    A brilliant suggestion and a very worthy charity! For the past several years, the handsmile household has been adding to its livestock “portfolio”, and we’ve now donated several shares for a heifer, goat, and sheep. Honeybees (in lamentable decline) will be added this year.

    @Raven: (#48)

    Another related book you may enjoy, and one I cannot recommend highly enough: The Battle for Christmas: A Cultural History of America’s Most Cherished Holiday by historian Stephen Nissenbaum.

    It is an engrossing and delightful account of the evolution of the holiday in the United States; among the subjects addressed are the outlawing of Christmas by Massachusetts Puritans, the triumph of Clement Moore, the reception of Dickens in this country, and Christmas celebrations in the antebellum South. A cultural history of the very first order.

  84. 84.

    cat

    December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Everyone took my sugestions:

    Become a Layaway Angel or try to cure your SAD by taking 2,000IU of vitaminD and get a 5000k+ color lightbulb to illuminate the room you spend the most time in the morning in.

  85. 85.

    cat

    December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Everyone took my sugestions:

    Become a Layaway Angel or try to cure your SAD by taking 2,000IU of vitaminD and get a 5000k+ color lightbulb to illuminate the room you spend the most time in the morning in.

  86. 86.

    Cris (without an H)

    December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Give Ron Paul money.

  87. 87.

    srv

    December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    I don’t know what I am going to have to do to get out of this holiday funk.

    You need a house project, something without ladders.

  88. 88.

    Ruckus

    December 19, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Just as uninterested in Christmas as I have ever been.

    At least you belong to a rather big club?

  89. 89.

    TooManyJens

    December 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    @dslak: Oh God. I’m really sorry to hear that.

  90. 90.

    South of I-10

    December 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    My office adopted a family this year, and I am about to deliver $650 in gift cards (and a pillow pet cause the little girl wanted one).

  91. 91.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @dslak: That sucks. Sorry to hear that.

  92. 92.

    srv

    December 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    I was thinking you need to raise the requirement for posters.

    How about all new front-pagers each year must participate in a podcast and sing their favorite Christmas Carol? It could be the Annual Balloon-Juice Enduring the War on Christmas Special.

  93. 93.

    Ruckus

    December 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Watch Bad Santa.

    Best christmas movie ever.

  94. 94.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Oh I know…you could take in a few strays from the dorms that are kicked out during the holiday season. Feed them and make them feel at home. If they happen to be young, curvy and curious….that’s just the Christmas Spirit telling you you’re doing it right.

  95. 95.

    Crusty Dem

    December 19, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    1) stop arguing about shit you can’t fix on the Internet.
    2) find small children in full christmas wonder mode
    3) engage in hilarious Xmas-related things with them.

    My wife’s favorite Xmas eve activity is hiding bells around the house and shaking them and telling the kids she thinks she hears santa’s reindeer. Even my powerful inner bah humbug is completely eradicated by little ones running around the house, looking out windows, looking for flying reindeer..

  96. 96.

    Raven

    December 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @handsmile: cool, thx. We’ve been on a Dickens/Masterpiece Theater binge and it got us interested.

  97. 97.

    jibeaux

    December 19, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    One of my friends, who has gotten into geocaching, said that her funk was cured by finding a cache full of fake moustaches. You’re probably more normal than that, though, so how about housecleaning naked?

    Seriously, what helps me, although I don’t like cleaning, is to use something that smells really nice, get the house nice and clean, maybe burn a holiday candle or bake something that smells really yummy, and put out cheesy handmade holiday soaps in the bathroom, the kind they they must make in bricks and then slice so they’re clear but they have holly leaves or whatnot in them? So festive, really.

  98. 98.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks for the kind words, Cassidy and TooManyJens. I’m thankful at least to have close friends and family I can depend on, to help me through this.

  99. 99.

    waratah

    December 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    @joeyess: Thank you, I loved this. We had lots of Aussie beer and for Dad scotch along with the wine. Most Christmas days can be very hot so we generally had cold sliced ham, salads and fresh tropical fruit salad. Some we packed everything up and went to the beach. Only thing served hot was Christmas pudding and custard.

  100. 100.

    MonkeyBoy

    December 19, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I thought maybe some naked elves might cheer you up so I did a google image search. However there is a porn site called naked-elves and porn sites like the keyword “elves” so it is quite hard to turn up stuff that is not standard porn. I did however find the song, Naked Elves in Cowboy Boots.

    Naked elves in cowboy boots
    Chasing me wherever i go
    Those naked elves in cowboy boots
    They won’t leave me alone
    A jigglin’, gigglin’, boingy, boingy, boingy
    Running down the road i see
    Naked elves in cowboy boots
    They just won’t let me be
    I’m hiding at the corner bar
    And they’re waiting outside for me
    Five beers, ten beers, twenty beers later
    I look outside to see
    I peek around the corner across da street
    Guess who’s spying on me
    Those naked elves in cowboy boots
    Making funny faces at me
    __
    Bridge:
    I’m a gonna write a letter to santa
    I’m a gonna give him praise
    I’m a gonna tell him that he’s neat
    And that i’ve changed my ways
    Da whole town of republic’s gonna see
    I’m not a scrooge no more
    Then maybe those ole’ naked elves
    Won’t chase me ’round no more
    __
    Quarter after two da bar’s closing up
    And woo die’s asking us to leave
    I tell him there’s naked elves out there
    He looks at me like i’m crazy
    He gives me a kick, out the door i go
    A bouncing on my bum
    That’s when i hear their little boots
    I think i better run
    __
    Naked elves in cowboy boots
    Chasing me all the way home
    Some teens loitering at the citgo gas
    Ask me what i’m running for
    I tell ’em, “celebrate christmas in every way”
    “’cause if your a scrooge, you’ll have to pay”
    Here comes those naked elves in cowboy boots
    I hope i get away

  101. 101.

    srv

    December 19, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    And so it begins:

    Iraq’s Judicial Committee issued an arrest warrant Monday for Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi, who is accused of orchestrating bombing attacks.

    Will suck to be a Sunni from here on out.

  102. 102.

    comrade scott's agenda of rage

    December 19, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    You could adopt our two fosters, Chirpy and Twinkle.

  103. 103.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    @dslak: Well, just remember this little tidbit of wisdom: going out and having an epic bender and a one night stand or two will not make it better. It might be awesome at the time, but the only thing that makes it better is the eventual letting go of anger and pain. Good luck

  104. 104.

    dan

    December 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Pick a room or two and paint them bold colors.

  105. 105.

    Samara Morgan

    December 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Here Cole, this should cheer you up.
    AL heartthrob Dave Weigel is voting either for Paul or GaJo.
    Shouldn’t GaJo get a turn now that Gingrich is imploding? He’s like a younger Paul, right?
    it would be Huntsmans turn, but hes….umm…..also a mormon. So he cant be Not-Romney.

  106. 106.

    chopper

    December 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @srv:

    i’d tell cole to take a walk but there might be ice on the ground.

  107. 107.

    FlipYrWhig

    December 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    George Clinton. The funk will take out the funk.

  108. 108.

    Mnemosyne

    December 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    @South of I-10:

    Our office does that every year, and it’s so much fun. We have an office wrapping party to wrap all the presents and then drop them off with the volunteer center. (I work for a Giant Evil Corporation, so we have a whole set of people who coordinate volunteer opportunities.) There was so much Christmas spirit this year that the mother of my (Jewish) co-worker donated a $100 gift card.

    The company goes through a family services organization, so we get people who are having a hard time in addition to being poor. A couple of years ago, we had a family with a chronically ill child. This year, the father of four children died unexpectedly (brain aneurysm) and the mom just wasn’t up to doing Christmas by herself, so we helped her out.

  109. 109.

    kindness

    December 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    What is the points spread on the Steelers Niners game for tonight, anyone know?

  110. 110.

    JeremyH

    December 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    John, I think you need to sit down with a bottle of Old Grand-Dad and watch “Bad Santa”.

  111. 111.

    DanielX

    December 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    If you can get WFBY 102.3 out of Morgantown, turn on Little Steven’s Underground Garage tonight at midnight. Or look up what other affiliates carry the show…good for the heart, good for the soul.

  112. 112.

    WaterGirl

    December 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Cole, order this from Amazon right now – there are only 4 left:

    Guaranteed to lift your spirits, it’s a very happy smell. I give it to people all the time when they are down, after surgery, whatever.

    Be sure to order through the Amazon link so balloon-juice gets a cut of your purchase. :-)

  113. 113.

    Jamey: Bike Commuter of the Gods

    December 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    @Schlemizel: Sounds like the last Republican debate.

  114. 114.

    joeyess

    December 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    @waratah: I thought you might enjoy that.

    cheers.

    j.

  115. 115.

    scav

    December 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    For extra Dickens (Scrooge & Generic) / History of Christmas / / Pipey Voices stuff, there is a Dickensxmas2011 Youtube subscriber/channel/jargonIdon’tknow gizmo that’s up til the end of the month (the The Battle for Christmas mentioned above got me started down this path). It’s also got a Blackadder version for those wishing a slightly less traditional spring of holly to stick in their eyes and/or puddings. Speaking of Christmas’ Past, is there an elf-bowling site somewhere?

  116. 116.

    dead existentialist

    December 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    @dslak: Sounds like someone could use 99 problems . . . .

  117. 117.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    @Cassidy: My Ph.D. dissertation is due at the end of this month, so benders and one-night stands were never on the menu. I’ve mostly come to the acceptance stage, but sometimes I wake up from dreams where everything has worked out, and I feel like I’ve slipped back a bit.

  118. 118.

    JPL

    December 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    John, We need a food and drink thread. I need help with my menu.

    @dslak: Takes a long, long time to finally let go. Good luck with your dissertation.

  119. 119.

    Mark S.

    December 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Getting laid off didn’t do much for my Christmas spirit.

  120. 120.

    WaterGirl

    December 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    @dslak: So very sorry to hear about your situation. Seriously, what part of commitment do people not get when they get married?

    Divorce and dissertations both rank very high on the list of stressful events in a person’s life. Please tell me that you are not moving, also. :-)

    Not sure which will be harder, finishing the damn dissertation or having it done and then looking to the future. Do you have a post-doc or some kind of position lined up?

  121. 121.

    Comrade Dread

    December 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    @Samara Morgan: Huntsman was immediately disqualified because he worked for the black, Muslim, black, appeasing, black soshalist, black, Kenyan, black, usurper, and did we mention black President.

  122. 122.

    Yevgraf

    December 19, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    This here is some funny material.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=q4a9CKgLprQ

  123. 123.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    @WaterGirl: I moved in with some friends, which was supposed to give us time apart. But she didn’t want time apart to work on the marriage . . .

    I’ve had one interview so far, but nothing for sure lined up yet. I’m teaching part-time at the moment, and I enjoy it, even if the pay isn’t great.

  124. 124.

    Nom de Plume

    December 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I don’t know what I am going to have to do to get out of this holiday funk.

    Oh, I dunno, you could stop imposing an arbitrary set of expectations on yourself, as if you’re required to feel a certain way at a particular time of year because everyone says so.

    I will never in a million years understand “holiday funks”, or “I’m so depressed because of the calendar day”. Just do what you want, for fuck’s sake.

  125. 125.

    Judas Escargot

    December 19, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Not just Weigel, Sullivan’s all excited for Paul in Iowa, also, too– especially about the younger demographics for his voters.

    Ominous, actually.

    Must be nice to be a professional political writer: No matter who wins, you’ll still get to keep your six-figure job, health care, and time in the public eye. So might as well vote for the most “interesting” character.

    I have visions of Tumbrel Rides in my head…

  126. 126.

    Joshua Norton

    December 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    I felt the exact same way after this year’s “Glee” Christmas special. I ended up experimenting with some vanilla vodka someone gave me, which helped immensely.

    Plus I know Santa is going to bring me a combo microwave/convection oven so I won’t have to pull all the hidden pots and pans out of the regular oven everytime I want to bake something. Yay!

  127. 127.

    Ian

    December 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    http://youtu.be/BL4w4r5Txio

  128. 128.

    South of I-10

    December 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    @Mnemosyne: That was amazing. The grandmother just came by the office and picked up our gifts. She has stage IV cancer. The children in the family don’t know they have been adopted, so they are going to get a huge surprise. We got a gift card to a specialty meat shop for a turducken, and she cried when she saw it, so I cried right along with her.

  129. 129.

    bemused

    December 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    @joeyess:

    I absolutely love, love this. Thank you for posting it.

  130. 130.

    ksmiami

    December 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Plan on spending Xmas eve at a rocking Irish bar with live music…listen to the Kinks Father Christmas, donate time and or money to a foodbank…

    I am sooo not into Christmas too, but I am forcing myself to bear it so to speak

  131. 131.

    NCSteve

    December 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Look, just download “A Christmas Carol” onto your favorite e-reader and read the fucking thing. No plays, no movies, no parodies. Read. It. Read the goddamn story, feel the goddamn Christmas spirit, and get on with the goddamn Christmas-keeping, already!

    Seriously, I have to read the thing every year. Because it does teach, as nothing else can, that keeping Christmas and keeping it as well (or at least as well as I can) is a critical battle in my personal war against the ever-present menace of creeping misanthropy.

  132. 132.

    Liz

    December 19, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I listen to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas (is You)” and that helps.

    That’s all I got right now.

  133. 133.

    chrome agnomen

    December 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    does anybody here remember vera lynne?

  134. 134.

    Schlemizel

    December 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    GOOD NEWS!

    Now, its from CNN so some NaCl may be required but these are tidings of great good news!
    http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/16/opinion/stepp-millennials-church/index.html

    Kids are abandoning evangelical churches in droves – for all the reasons you would hope.

  135. 135.

    AnnaN

    December 19, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Nothing a face plant into Lily’s tummy wouldn’t solve.

    But if you have already tried that and failed, I would recommend face planting into Tunch. That would knock the funk out of anyone.

  136. 136.

    Quaker in a Basement

    December 19, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Bake some cookies. Give ’em away.

  137. 137.

    Bmaccnm

    December 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    @dslak: Sorry to hear it, dslak. I still have those dreams, from time to time. You bond with someone, and it hurts a lot. Sorry.

  138. 138.

    Bmaccnm

    December 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    @dslak: Sorry to hear it, dslak. I still have those dreams, from time to time. You bond with someone, and it hurts a lot. Sorry.

  139. 139.

    SiubhanDuinne

    December 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    This thread needs moar whistlin’ puppeh!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHAshi4vdbg

  140. 140.

    tesslibrarian

    December 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    My Christmas spirit pick-me-up/reward for getting gifts shipped (not necessarily on time, but out of the house before the day) is Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather.

    Some days, I’ll just read the parts where Death is pretending to be the Hogfather at the mall, and it always cheers me up. Give it a try.

  141. 141.

    Ruckus

    December 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    My 14 yr old 40lb cocker does that without anyone egging him on. If fact he does that all the fucking time. It would be cute once in a while but 5-10 times a day is a bit much. But he is a rescue and has “issues”. Besides, he tolerates my crap so the least I can do is the same for him. Cute little bastard.

  142. 142.

    Elliott

    December 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Have a kid.

  143. 143.

    The Grinch

    December 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Cole, maybe this will help:

    On Christmas Eve, dress up as Santa Claus, put antlers on Lily, ride about town, sneak into your neighbors’ houses, go to their Christmas trees and scoop up all of their presents.

    Works for me!

  144. 144.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    @dslak: I hear ya. I won’t lie to you, it took me years to stop thinking about it all the time, every day. It sounds like my circumstance was a little different from yours in that I blamed myself for what happenned; I was a shit for a husband the first half of our marriage. That isn’t to say I didn’t feel all the hurt and betrayl that I had every right to feel, but I recognized the affair as a reaction to a poor marriage and not an act of maliciousness. And, if you are interested, this kind of thing doesn’t have to be the end. We worked through it. Either way, good luck to you. It sucks. But it doesn’t have to suck forever.

  145. 145.

    The Grinch

    December 19, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    John, you could try getting your family together for some holiday photos:

    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/g/a/2011/12/15/awkward_holiday_photos.DTL&object=

  146. 146.

    Chuck Butcher

    December 19, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Let’s see, I’m broke and the business is done. Nobody seems to want to buy north of $30K in vehicles and tools at fire sale prices. The “daughter-in-law” and grandkids went across state for a month so gone for Xmas.

    Then there are the GOPers and what passes for Dems to just add insult to injury. Maybe I don’t feel real Xmas-ie.

  147. 147.

    different-church-lady

    December 19, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    I don’t know what I am going to have to do to get out of this holiday funk.

    You’re going to have to wait for the holidays to end. There’s no other cure.

  148. 148.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    @Cassidy: I did blame myself for what happened, at first: she convinced me it was my fault. I went into therapy in the hopes that it would move to marriage counseling, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that, regardless of what she might say, she’s responsible for her own actions in the end.

  149. 149.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    @dslak: I figured as much. I think that what made our marriage fixable is that the blame could be shared amongst us. Some people just do shitty things to others, though. Unfortunately, too many people look at a seperation period as a chance to be self-absorbed. That tends to shaft the other person who genuinely looks at it as a cooling off period. I think it’s interesting that my wife never tried to convince me it was my fault. I had a “come to Jesus” moment when it all came out and I realized just how unhappy she’d been with me.

  150. 150.

    gaz

    December 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    John, if there’s anything Christmas could use,

    It’s more funk.

    Funky, funktastic funk. =P

    Like Santa smokin a doob with James Brown funk.

    Or something.

  151. 151.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    @Cassidy: I’m not sure if she was really unhappy with me, or just battering me with that to avoid admitting the real reason for wanting to leave. There were certainly no signs of her being unhappy with me until the day she told me that she wanted to end our relationship.

    I may never know the actual cause, which has been one of the hardest parts of dealing with this. Part of me keeps worrying that there’s something deeply wrong with me that I’m just not seeing which led to all this.

  152. 152.

    Mnemosyne

    December 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    @dslak:

    Ugh ugh ugh. The only thing I can say is try to be tolerant of her family, because they’re probably being dragged into taking her side even if they don’t want to. When my brother had his affair (subsequently divorcing his wife), I was pretty much forced to cut off contact with my ex-sister-in-law because it became way too much of a hassle to have to listen to him complain about me still being friendly with her. So, as best you can, try to forgive her family if they withdraw.

  153. 153.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    @Mnemosyne: I’ve talked to her family, only so they would at least know my side of the story. I haven’t talked to them since, so I don’t know if they’ve taken sides.

  154. 154.

    Svensker

    December 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    @dslak:

    Oh good Lord. Have some stress with your dissertation sauce. Maybe the keeping busy part will help a bit.

    The rejection is so very painful and you are naturally feeling that it somehow must be your fault. But it probably isn’t. It’s probably that the two of you just didn’t really work right enough, at least for her. And that’s a couple problem, not an individual problem. Just take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and try to get through it. It will get better, you just have to get there.

    Hugs.

  155. 155.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    @dslak: More often than not, I think you can attribute the offending partner’s actions to selfishness, in that he/she may not have been living every day in a honeymoon, but it certainly doesn’t warrant straying from a committed relationship. I think my particular case is rare in that I don’t believe most people are like me, or at least how I used to be. I really was an unpleasant person. Did I deserve it? I wouldn’t go that far, but I do understand what drove my wife away. Point is, most likely it wasn’t something you’ve done. At least nothing any more serious than what any average couple experiences.

  156. 156.

    dslak

    December 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    @Cassidy: I wasn’t as emotionally available as I could have been, but that’s because I’ve been trying to finish my dissertation. That kind of thing warrants a discussion, marriage counseling, or even a considerate divorce process.

    It doesn’t justify cheating.

  157. 157.

    catpal

    December 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    @Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason: yeah I am really happy to read these Secret Santa stories.

    Just google Secret Santa Pays off Kmart Layaways, it is happening everywhere now, and so generous, and it will make you smile.

  158. 158.

    Cassidy

    December 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    @dslak: Exactly. Remember that in every conversation you have with her from here on out. It simply can’t be justified. It gets better, eventually. And when you’re walking around and find yourself all kinds of agitated “for no reason”, get a hobby that lets it out. Personally, I like to shoot guns. I’m not a hunter and I don’t do the conceal carry thing. I’m simply a hobbyist who likes to shoot.

  159. 159.

    WaterGirl

    December 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: Very cute, but my puppy Tucker does not approve. His ears went up and he instantly stopped what he was doing.

    My cocker spaniel used to howl, consistently, whenever one of two things would happen. Sirens – they didn’t go off that often so it was cute when she did it. And my mom’s singing – we all thought it was funny, but my mom, not so much.

  160. 160.

    gelfling545

    December 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Sometimes Christmas just comes at a bad time. For several years I have been proposing “leap Christmas” – you know, only in leap years. I think we’d appreciate it more. The idea hasn’t caught on too wall though.

  161. 161.

    Bex

    December 19, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    @joyess@74: Eyes are kinda leaking. Must be a cold.

  162. 162.

    tworivers

    December 19, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    @dslak:

    I’m sorry to hear about the way your wife handled this. Sounds like you got ambushed.

    I went through a divorce a couple of years’ back, and it sucked , no question. We both were to blame for the dissolution of our marriage, but ultimately it was her idea to move out (whereas I wanted to work at it)

    Three years down the road, I’m at the point where I’m mostly glad we split. Yeah, sometimes I’m lonely (internet dating is kinda tough for a guy in his forties with 50-50 custody of kids), but all in all, I like my life better now than I did when I was with her. As cheezy as it may sound, I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a person since we split. Learned how to be self-sufficient, etc., etc. Figured out my own ways of doing things, gotten better at cooking, and now have the time to play loud RAWK music with friends after work, etc.

    Some bits of advice:

    1) Don’t try to hide from the pain you’re going through now. If you try to stuff it away in some corner of your psyche, it’ll just come bubbling back up in some twisted form later. better that you allow yourself the time to grieve and “feel your feelings”. Sounds super cheezy I know, but it’s true.

    2) keep a journal and write down your feelings. Externalize the feelings that are inside by spewing them out onto paper. I found that once I once I had externalized my feelings that way, there were a lot more manageable.

    3) Listen to husker Du or other music you find cathartic. Sing along with it.

    4) Hang out with friends. Don’t become a hermit.

    5) Get exercise.

    6) Keep in mind that it will get better with time.

  163. 163.

    WaterGirl

    December 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    @tworivers: @dslak: I took a “when your relationship ends” course once. They said that – an amazingly high percentage of the time – the other person has already known for about a year that they were going to leave. So when you’re there saying “I love you, let’s do counseling, I want to make this work” the other person is already long-gone emotionally.

    Also, IIRC, about 80% of the time the person has started another relationship, or at least found the person they want to have a relationship with, before they tell you they aren’t happy.

    Fucking cowards.

  164. 164.

    Kathy

    December 19, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    @JGabriel: I got the same crummy message, I am thinking bitter pumas or rat f*ckers.

  165. 165.

    Kathleen

    December 19, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    @Schlemizel: Sounds like a Newt Gingrich campaign speech.

  166. 166.

    JGabriel

    December 19, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    @Kathy: In NY or elsewhere in the country?

    No need to get too specific, I’m just curious if it’s a local or national push.

    .

  167. 167.

    PNW Warrior Woman

    December 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    You need a friend with “benefits” at minimum.

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