FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKK by John Cole| January 9, 20123:49 am| 103 CommentsThis post is in: Open ThreadsFacebookTweetEmailFucking Tebow. Make this nightmare end god damn it. I can’t sleep. Kill me.
You still going on about that shit?
Man, I don’t even know what Tebow looks like. One of the advantages of not giving a fuck about spectator sports.
Still, sorry for your loss. Condolences and all that, dude.
I proscribe gin.
Every news outlet I’ve gone to this evening has a prominent picture of Tebow preening his face off. The Broncos must be knocked out of the play-offs next weekend or else.
God dammit, this is hell.
C’mon, John, sing along!
What a friend we have in Timmy,
All our sins and griefs to bear . . . .
You can do it! He loves you as much as he loves the Stillers’ secondary right now.
(OK. Next week we all get redemption in Foxborough. It’ll be Timmeh’s crucible.)
Fred Clark at Slacktivist has the right idea. It’s not a miracle that Tebow pulled out a victory; it’s just karma catching up to Ben Roethlisberger.
I’d kill to have one of my more recent long dark nights of the soul be over such a trivial thing as, say, my Huskers’ bowl loss to SC. Things have been tough all over, JC. Fucking deal. Whiner. Jesus.
Not intending to be dismissive of your passionate grieving, but Oliver Willis suffered a real loss this past weekend, with the passing of his dog ‘C.K.’ (Clark Kent).
I feel your pain. I recommend tequila shots till out for the night.
One and . . . .
@freelancer: Bo will provide you with many more such dark nights over the years. Fucking deal.
Are you referring to my smell or a Portuguese water dog? Because either way, I can sense you may be onto something.
I m still sick from the loss my Hokies had to fucking michigan in the sugar bowl….how in the hell did that happen? and now this….. did not see this one coming…The Steelers dont choke like this….and to teblow…. double sickness…..ugggg
I feel pretty much this way when Liverpool lose. You’ll live.
@freelancer: Bro, I’m too drunk to respond to that much wit. Kudos.
(And get a new team to root for.)
wtf is cole’s deal? Does he really hate that much? And why? Because Tebow is religious? Because he wasn’t aborted, and any woman who chooses not to abort is an attack on the leftist sacrament of abortion? Sad, sad little man.
The Christian conservatives in the media are hell bent on forcing Tebow down our throats. He’s an average QB at best but we hear more about him than Brees, Rogers and Brady combined. The only reason the Broncos won today is because the Steelers are a broken team right now. Tebow is the Christian right’s new hero and he’ll continue to be pushed upon us irrespective of his actual athletic talent. I also believe Tim Tebow is a closet homosexual which makes him a typical right-wing hypocrite. But that’s a story for another day.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.
@Duane: No shit, I’m in a Hokie, Bulldog Illini family and the Illini are the only team that didn’t lose in OT! The Dawgs loss was even worse than the Hokies since the incredibly stupid coaching came in the OT instead of on a fake punt.
Tebow sez to JC (John Cole NOT Jebus Christofo) and Tbogg to SUCK on ‘this’!
What is a tebow and is it contagious?
So much sturm und drang over an obviously inferior form of football when everybody knows that the only game God really approves of is Rugby League.
But put all that aside and listen to my plea. If any of you have an ounce of humanity you will go outside with a shovel and sack (weather permitting) and fill that sack with snow, or a suitable snow substitute, and mail it to me at this address:
Sweatiest Guy in the World,
Hottest Damn Place on Earth,
The Post Office should have no trouble finding me seeing it was 104 degrees today and my aircon is broken.
I warn you people, I’m a desperate man. I won’t be held responsible for my actions unless that snow starts arriving soon.
Tim Tebow is the spawn of Satan.
Cole, sorry for both your loss and how you are taking it – its a game! Besides, Tebow earned that victory with right on passes – broken or blown coveraged not-with-standing. I hate his God stuff of his but the bastard hit his recievers dead on and most on the run with a defender right on them. The Steelers were beat – yes, little Ben was hurting (but ran rather well considering) and the Steelers had lost so many critical players (before and during) but that is part of the game that every team gets hit with – so accept it and move on – Tebow and Denver are better than the Steelers – there, I said it.
@Viva BrisVegas: Problems is, we don’t have any snow. Anywhere. If the weather pattern holds, Burlington will go from the 2nd snowiest year on record (129″ in 2010-2011) to beating the record for the least (31″ in 1912-1913).
John, you just need to acknowledge that $DEITY clearly has it out for both the Steelers and YOU.
Don’t you understand this?
Bow down now, John. Before it is to late.
This is your come to Tebow moment.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
if it helps you to sleep imagine playing the hated patriots without the beard (keisel), the gut (hampton), and the neck bones (max starks). oh and with pouncey still gimpy, ben still gimpy, no depth at rb, our rb coach at least might be out of his medically induced coma, but all in all, it wasn’t our year.
we basically figured there was no way in hell tebow could hit the blind side of a barn one more time. we didn’t respect the opponent, even to the minimal degree required by virtue of the nfl shield, and he got lucky enough to get it close enough 5 times, and beat us.
at some point we could have played a more solid, steeler like defense, we chose not to.
the dominionist christian from fotf gave us a “i can’t believe we’re losing to these people” moment. football is one thing, but fuck all that if we do it in the elections this year.
This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.
“everybody knows that the only game God really approves of is Rugby League.”
Ha and ha encore. Everybody but you knows that the only real rugby is played 15 a side. Rugby league is to real rugby as 20/20 is to real cricket, i.e., a joke.
john, my sentiments exactly!
Channel your hate in a constructive direction, John. WVU plays UConnvict tonight.
@burnspbesq: I rarely agree with you, but on this we concur. Rugby Union is the only True Rugby worth watching… but don’t discount Aussie Rules: those mullets and short shorts can’t be beat.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
rugby? cricket? remind me again why euros think they are better than everyone else, they just seem like a bunch of boring windbags to me.
Was this not the real life version of Angels in the Outfield? The only question that remains is what do we call the made for tv movie? Tebow in the backfield?
@freelancer: Likewise can’t sleep, although for a different reason. That Louis CK video was awesome.
Mr. Tebow threw for 316 (Three Hundred and Sixteen) yards. This was 31.6 (Thirty One Point Six) yards per throw. Now consider the script inscribed upon Tim’s ‘black-eye’ glare-reducing rub during his 2009 NCAA Game… John 3:16.
Further consider, the odds of the number 316 coming up in a random selection of one thousand numbers, is 1/1000, the math teacher DougJ can attest to this much. Continue to consider that Tim’s were only 10 (Ten passes). This is perhaps One in somewhere between One Hundred Thousand and One in Five Hundred Thousand.
Perhaps the Connecticut Rabbi, Hammerman, was on to something.
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: We?! Damn, we got an NFL Steeler player right here at ballon juice … sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Cheryl from Maryland
I’m thinking of Dick LeBeau myself. That was not one of his better defenses, injured players or no.
@BO_Bill: Sorry, but your math is not correct – first, the thousand-in-one idea is wrong – the probability would be based on 316 (and really since so many QB throw in the two hundred plus range saying one in a hundred is more like it but still far too high.) Next, 3.16 is not 316 in any numeric manner – sure they look similar but rather completely different numbers. Next, throwing 300 odd yards is not uncommon so his 316 is far, far from having such a probability as you seem to make it. As for a bible number that he choose, dud, it was 3.16 not 316 and that is really all that matters – they are not the same number so your math makes no sense. While numbers don’t lie people find relationships all the time that they want to see and it mean jack-zero.
@Viva BrisVegas: Fucking League? Union.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
you sound like an american fan of soccer, with all its contrived fandom. when you really care you count it as a we.
Oh. A little dachshund. Pity.
Well Mike and Mike was only about 65% Tebow on my way to work this morning, so you’ve got that going for you.
Though if you’re anything like me you’ll be avoiding all sports media entirely.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
did gastritis break your calculator?
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
Does this qualify as a white man’s problem?
The Tebow Incident.
Good old punt and hope. If real rugby means backs that can’t tackle and forwards that can’t run, then you might well be right.
But you are right about 20/20, it’s an offense against nature. Might just as well play rounders or baseball.
John, it could be worse. You could live here in Devner like I do, and suffer true media overload on this subject
@Viva BrisVegas: The heat has obviously gone to your head. You are completely barmy on the League vs. Union question. In fact, I think it is best that all of us just back slowly away from you while holding up our hands to show that we mean no harm.
You need to learn to let it go John. It is just a game. Every team has its share of thugs, abusers, rapists, slime and sky-pilots. The entire sport is a meat grinder that chews up young men and spits out broken, disabled bits when they are of no more use. The teams have no more connection to their city or state than a name – the Pittsburgh Steelers could be the LA Steelers the next time they want a billion dollar stadium (see: Colts, Titans, Raiders and many others).
Enjoy the competition if you can but don’t invest yourself in it. For sure they don’t care about you.
Patriots vs. Jesus next week!
Fuckin’ Tebow actually completing forward passes…and here I was so certain that Jesus better be on his side because otherwise the Stillers were going to run over him like an Abrams. Oh well, I’ve already lived through watching the Colts melt down like a sugar sculpture left out in the rain, this is no big deal.
What Cheryl said @36. Ike Taylor couldn’t cover _me_ in single coverage. At some point they should have played a D a little more honestly. Clock management at the end of the game kind of sucked too.
Odie Hugh Manatee
No shit, I have no idea what this T-bo dude looks like. All I know is what I’ve read here about him and that is damned little since I skip it once I realize who they are talking about.
Years of Seahawk depression completely destroyed football for me. If you’re lucky John, maybe the Steelers will do you the same favor! ;p
dude….its altitude advantage. One of the Steelers players couldnt even play because of it, the guy with sickle cell.
the Donkos win at home, lose on the road (mostly).
those loozers have a cake schedule this year, but next year when they have to play the good teams on the road they will lose.
more to the point, repeat concussion syndrome is goin’ to be the smokers lung of this generation. the leagues have covered this shit up for years.
better learn to love soccer.
@Schlemizel: here, here
look at it this way, John: it took Jesus on the other team’s side to beat the Steelers.
You don’t know what suffering is. I’m a Cleveland Browns fan.
The Steelers called the wrong defense – ten men up. That’s football.
Don’t worry. Maybe they will sneak out in the middle of the night and arrive the next morning in another city and put you out of your misery. It’s happened before.
Today this blog is a bunch of people gathered in a room having a discussion and in the background there’s this one disheveled, middle-aged dude in a Steeler’s hat wandering around with his bathrobe open, sort of tripping over stuff and swearing before heading to the bathroom where we hear him retching repeatedly, Tebowing at the porcelain god, as it were.
Yes, a thousand times. Sports are fun, but don’t confuse them with things that truly matter. The Steelers will leave Pittsburgh in a heartbeat if the city doesn’t bend over and grab ankle often enough and still tell them you love them.
And I have to add that buying into either side of the Tebow Hype/Hate is just falling for the NFL’s strategy to build artificial drama around the game to make it seem like it is all more important than it is. Kind of like they do for professional wrestling.
After all of the Jesus jokes have faded away the simple fact of the matter is that Tim Tebow is one hell of an athlete who lorded over the Southeastern Conference for 4 years. Never make the mistake of under estimating his talent. The guy can play the game. And as a Georgia Bulldog fan for over half a century I have to admit that it hurts to say that. But as they say around here, “The Truth will stand when the world is on fire”.
guess what else juicers…..i suspect there is linkage between repeat concussion syndrome and Alzheimers.
now that WILL fuck up America’s Sport.
This wasn’t Tim Tebow. It was our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I have come to terms with this. At first I resisted. But now I believe. I am becoming more comfortable with him showing up on an American football field this time around than somewhere in the Middle East. It will be easier to keep an eye on him.
Reading email from friends back in Bodymore, Murderland, and it is fascinating how much they love them some Tebow. It only took them 28 years to get over Ellway’s screwing of the Colts for them to start loving a Bronco’s QB. That’s some serious grudging.
At first I had thought
that this post worked as haiku
but it doesn’t.
Being form Florida with RW relative Gator fans….I’m telling them that I gambled a bunch of money on Denver (not true and haven’t bet on sports since ’97) and am loving it…using the money to go to Amsterdam. Then told them I’m probably betting on New England this weekend.
This shuts them up in a funny way.
Paul in KY
@Judge Crater: Me too. 5th year of dissappointment is the worst…
my dislike of the cheap-shot, thuggish, Stealers far outweighs the Chronic Tebow Fatigue symptoms I’ve been experiencing for several months……hahahhahahahahaha….(Mike Tomlin is ok though….)
Channel that anger, Cole. You could ban the troll who annoys you the most, and no one would blame you for lashing out. At least something good can come out of this.
I slept like a baby, with cuddly thoughts of Eli Manning (That weak smile! That frustrated head-shake!) and a tentacle-laden defensive line dancing through my head.
The Broncos have been a litmus test all season, on whether or not the other team is broken. The Steelers were already broken by game time, more so as it went on.
I live in the Denver area. Now I can’t read a newspaper, listen to the radio, or look at facebook for a freaking week.
Seems to me that Josh McDaniel has been exonerated and present management of Denver, is just plain stupid. Fox is a complete loser and if he had his way, he and the rest of the Broncos would be watching the playoffs from the couch.
The fans knew better than management and even though the Broncos were the worst team in the NFL in the previous 33 games before Tebow started, he would have never been put in except for a 1-4 start and the fans chanting.
As late as last month Fox referred to the team’s quarterback as Tebow “or whoever” and Elway has been just as non-supportive.
Elway played terrible his first 3 years with Denver, I dont ever remember a time that fans were talking about management getting rid of Elway and Elway never beat KC and the Raiders in back to back away games.
If Tebow does not get any love from management, why would he stay in Denver, after all every team has money.
Oh please. I have been a Broncos fan since way before Tebow was born. He’s a football player, not the president. Who cares what his odd personal beliefs are? Elway was a Republican and my family all cheered for him too.
Dude, I feel your pain, I, uh, ha, uh, ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
@CaliCat: I totally agree. The fact that the Xtianists have been able to convert Balloon Juice int a all-tebow-all-the-time blog demonstrates their evil powers.
Ah, now I know why I’m not the least interested in any sports at all. Just can’t seem to muster up the energy to care. And wanting to die because some group of guys wearing funny clothes can’t score more points than another group of guys wearing the same clothes, but in different colors..?? Get a grip, John.
Well, it does keep a certain segment of the economy moving, I guess. Now I wonder if the Vikings’ billionaire owner will be able to extort a new stadium from the good folks in Minnesota.
Mr Stagger Lee
@J.W. Hamner: I guess the 35% was for Eli Manning.
My Jewish G-d loves Tebow.
When Joe Montana rolled right and won the NFC title with his strike to Dwight Clark, it was the beginning of an era. It was also the last time any team ever underestimated Montana. The Dallas Cowboys later admitted to feeling certain they had Montana corralled on that play, that the play was as good as over even as they chased him.
It was the very last time any team ever underestimated Montana (for all the good that did them).
Defensive coordinators will never underestimate T-Bo’s arm again. They will adjust, and that will be that. As amazing as this season has proven, his day in the sun will be a short one.
So God wasn’t happy with the magic words written under Tebow’s eyes the last couple of weeks, but now he’s happy with them again.
Or maybe he mixed around the magic words some, or the eyeliner had pork fat in the mix at some point.
In any case, God is happy again.
Paul in KY
@JWL: Yep, after that play it was all down hill for Joe. He’s living in a cardboard box somewhere in Altoona, I hear…
Anonymous At Work
Try not to think too hard on the Steelers losing the shortest playoff overtime ever. That won’t help.
Adjust for his run and he throws. Adjust for his throws and he runs. He is currently the quarterback for a below average football team and yet he is about to play in his second post season play-off game. Even if Denver beats New England ye still will not believe. Oh ye wicked and adulterous generation.
I’ve just received some idiot mail pointing out that Tebow threw for 316 yards… and guess what John 3:16 says:
Personally, I find Luke 3:16 even more worrying:
Does this mean that Cole will abandon the Steelers and follow Tebow along the highways of America, as he baptizes all in his path with a flame-thrower? Or will Tebow be the next Front Pager?
If he can’t extort a billion dollars out of MN The folks in LA can easily ignore the LA Vikings like they did the Rams & Angles. I believe they have already pissed away the money for a new stadium (can anyone verify the details?)
Yes, but the question remains, how many people, including Juicebox Jesus, are making that same comparison today?
I know it’s all bullshit. It’s what those people are full of. You just know that someone whispered that number in Tebow’s ear last night after the game and he nodded sagely and stopped in the middle of banging that somebody, got on one knee and begged gawwd for mercy and to make him a virgin again.
While I hate the Patriots, I do think that New England’s sleek, well-oiled death machine will probably dismantle Tebow in short order. Perhaps he can learn something about throwing mechanics from Tom Brady.
One further 3:16 text: 1 Kings 3:16
Is God trying to tell us something about Tebow’s hidden past?
Big Ben Roethlisberger is a big rapist as far as I’m concerned that got away with it. So If someone asks me who I would rather root for….well, suffice it to say it isn’t the rapist.
I honestly don’t see this guy bragging, preening [as you contend] or making an effort to get the attention he gets. I do see a guy who is charismatic on a personal level who gets a lot of press for it.
Wow. What a trade-off between narcissitic preening jack-asses telling the world why they are worthy, cool, and just plain master of the universe and some guy that’s a fervent believer and who has a passion for the game.
“but don’t discount Aussie Rules”
I don’t discount it, but my taste in games developed in Ireland runs more to hurling.
“He ground my teeth in gravel, he made me cower in ashes.”
/Pure “I want to play, too!”
It’s also equally plausible that Ike Taylor and Ryan Mundy did something in their youth to really tick God off
You might want to Goggle that word. It doesn’t mean what you think it does.
Exodus 3:16 is actually in the Torah portion this week, and Hashem is telling Moses to use the language of “pkod pkadti” when he is talking to the elders of Israel–“I will surely remember you and what was done to you in Egypt”. This recalls what Joseph said to his brothers and is one sign that Moses’s prophecy is real.
But for the Patriots–Broncos game, we will have moved on to Parshas Vaeira, which is the first 6 of the 10 plagues, so even worse.
“and yet he is about to play in his second post season play-off game”
Which is four fewer than Mark Sanchez played in his first two seasons as a starting QB. I’d hold off on that beatification until Tebow has a body of work to point to.
Apparently Tebow’s yardage simply tells us that the census is good. Or possibly that stat geeks are doing God’s work.
The Steelers’ defense was far too aggressive. Denver is one of the worst teams in the league at converting 3rd downs (31%, better than only SF and StL), largely because Tebow completed only 46% of his passes. You’d think the way to beat them would be to force them to grind out long drives. Get them into enough 3rd down situations, they’ll probably fail to convert sooner rather than later.
Unlike pretty much everyone else in the NFL, Tebow was a celebrity before he came into the league. Religion had something to do with that, but at this point it’s about celebrity, not religion. The media is about ratings and page views, and as annoying as it is to see them yowling “TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW” regardless of what the real story is, they’re just giving the people what they want.
Find your fuel.
You sound just like a lot of republicans did on 11-05-08.
t-bow vs. big ben was the classic ‘can’t they both lose?’ scenario. really, it was a ‘can’t we watch them both be stomped on by pissed-off hippos on tee vee?’ scenario.
jesus, the new overtime are dumm, tho.
I hope the Pats have a better defensive game plan than the Steelers had. There’s no excuse for getting torched by a 45% passer in this league, injuries notwithstanding.
At least the Broncos beat the Steelers by playing the game and earning the win. Hell, Marion Barber, the BEARS running back, did more to help Denver beat Chicago than Tebow ever could have done on his own. If the Bears win that game, yesterday never happens.