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You are here: Home / Past Elections / Election 2012 / Talibangelicals Anoint Santorum

Talibangelicals Anoint Santorum

by Anne Laurie|  January 15, 20122:11 am| 25 Comments

This post is in: Election 2012, Republican Stupidity, Assholes

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No,no, we’re talking about the theological usage of Crisco, you Godless secularists. Per Andre Tartar at NYMag‘s Daily Intel:

A group of 150 of the country’s leading social conservative and evangelical leaders met yesterday on a ranch outside Houston and, after three rounds of balloting, decided who they wanted as their official anyone-but-Romney alternative: Rick Santorum. Though the meeting was described by some as ‘too little, too late,’ it was still seen as the last great hope for a real challenge to Mitt Romney who, after his wins in Iowa and New Hampshire, has already begun to give off that “inevitable nominee” glow. Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, who described the meeting as “not a ‘bash Mitt Romney'” one, told the Washington Post: “I will have to admit that what I did not think was possible appears to be possible. There is clearly a unified group here.” While much of the recent media focus has been on the Romney Bain-baiting in South Carolina coming from Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry, this endorsement may be enough to boost Santorum in South Carolina, a heavily evangelical state…

From my perspective as a lifelong cynic and Democrat (but I repeat myself), this is all Good News for Our Side. First off, Erick Erickson and his Redstate fellows are going to be sobbing into their gated-community megachurch banana mochacchinos Sunday morning, for the insult against Erick’s manly Christianist mancrush Rick Perry, and also because Rick ‘Blah People’ Santorum is both unelectable and a God-damned statist. Second, it’s going to further inflame the ever-sensitive amore prope of Newton Leroy Gingrich, than whom no other self-professed historian is better prepared to go medieval on every one of his many opponents’ arses. Third, presenting Richard Santorum, the candidate most dedicated to the idea that if you don’t want him rummaging through your underwear drawer then there must be something wrong with you, as the Select alternative is going to inspire a lot of those much-courted “independent” voters to… well, if we can’t inspire them to vote for President Obama’s re-election, at least we can discourage them into staying home rather than adding their mite to the ( R ) tally.

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Reader Interactions

25Comments

  1. 1.

    WereBear (itouch)

    January 15, 2012 at 2:22 am

    no bench.

  2. 2.

    kdaug

    January 15, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Crap, I’d forgotten about the Crisco.

    That was an Ashcroft thing though, no? Along with “hidden-nipple Lady Justice”?

  3. 3.

    gaz

    January 15, 2012 at 2:40 am

    unelectable should have been a separate link, configured as in my example.

    Otherwise, I 100% think the article is spot on, and I am kinda wishing I had made popcorn 20 minutes ago.

  4. 4.

    R Johnston

    January 15, 2012 at 2:56 am

    I’m sure it’s possible to use Crisco as a lube, which would make this all about Crisco.

  5. 5.

    opie jeanne

    January 15, 2012 at 3:04 am

    So the entertainment will continue, then.

    Lordy. I think this may be even more fun.

    Crisco? Annointed with Crisco oil?

    My.

    Goodness.

  6. 6.

    Calouste

    January 15, 2012 at 3:11 am

    A member of the largest hierarchical organization is a statist? Color me surprised. We’re talking about redstate here, so of course we know that they don’t have a clue about, say, how Franco ran Spain, but it wasn’t with minimal government. Those babies don’t steal themselves, you know.

  7. 7.

    MildlyAmusedRainbowPerson

    January 15, 2012 at 3:14 am

    Glad to learn that the headless chicken fucker demographic has found some bold, decisive, militantly ignorant leaders. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of slobbering cultist voyeurs. Any chance we could could just leave them a large tank of gasoline and a box of matches and retire to a suitable distance two states away?

  8. 8.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    January 15, 2012 at 3:37 am

    Whoever the Republicans spit out of their convention will be someone with a fatal injury.

  9. 9.

    Villago Delenda Est

    January 15, 2012 at 3:43 am

    @The prophet Nostradumbass:

    I’m wondering if the Borg imperative will kick in on the first day of the convention, and the nice little brownshirts will all get in line for the pirate from the Satanic cult, or if they’ll rebel and there will be 1964 style contention on the convention floor.

    There are no John Chancellors around anymore to be escorted off for being too aligned with philosophy dating after the Holy Inquisition or the Salem witch trials, though…

    Either way, popcorn will be needed.

  10. 10.

    amk

    January 15, 2012 at 4:44 am

    It’s all fine. Can they sink willard robney in SC or at least in FL ?

  11. 11.

    Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal

    January 15, 2012 at 4:56 am

    right wingers, especially those who used to carry water for dead eye dick and the turd blossom posse, are from what i can tell, amorphically, indescribably, and undefinably pissed off right now.

    the mccain totals will be a high water mark for this election. the rwnjs i talk to don’t seem to be able to, or willing to, finger their party and the choice of candidates, but no one is passionate about the prospects of any of them in a positive way.

    it is still early, but i don’t see how they get any positive momentum, all they have is negative obama sentiments.i think they mined that lode to the fullest last time.

    i called santorum and fotf et al, but there really was no other option. evangelicals willl say its the system that doesn’t produce good candidates before they look at themselves or their allies and their crazyness as the problem though.

    i could see santorum running third party and raw money letting it all ride on white and picking wrong paul.

  12. 12.

    amk

    January 15, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Intertubes must be happy today. Or will peeps bitch and moan as usual ?

    White House airs objections to SOPA, PIPA anti-piracy bills

    http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/entertainmentnewsbuzz/2012/01/white-house-sopa-pipa.html

    ….In an unusually blunt statement, Obama administration officials signaled that the White House would not support parts of two bills wending their way through Congress — the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) that critics say would limit freedom of speech on the Internet and unfairly punish legitimate websites.

    “While we believe that online piracy by foreign websites is a serious problem that requires a serious legislative response, we will not support legislation that reduces freedom of expression, increases cybersecurity risk, or undermines the dynamic, innovative global Internet,” said a statement from Victoria Espinel, intellectual property enforcement coordinator; Aneesh Chopra, U.S. chief technology officer; and Howard Schmidt, cybersecurity coordinator for the national security staff…..

    http://www.techdirt.com/articles/20120114/09513217409/white-house-comes-out-against-approach-sopapipa-response-to-online-petition.shtml

  13. 13.

    Comrade Nimrod Humperdink

    January 15, 2012 at 5:00 am

    The Santorumentum has been coming since Noot climaxed, and one could sense it building before then if you had the fortitude to look. Last one up, last one out. And when it’s all over the cleanup had better be uber fastidious, or the smell alone will hang around for a long time.

  14. 14.

    Baud

    January 15, 2012 at 7:18 am

    @amk: From what I’ve seen, it’s bitching and moaning because he doesn’t oppose the whole bills, but only the part that allows for websites to be shut down.

  15. 15.

    Waldo

    January 15, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Too little, too late, Tony Perkins. When Mittens pauses to reflect on his relatively smooth path to the nomination, I’m sure he’ll appreciate more than anyone the failure of the god squad to get its sh*t together.

  16. 16.

    hildebrand

    January 15, 2012 at 8:13 am

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    it is still early, but i don’t see how they get any positive momentum, all they have is negative obama sentiments

    Yep, this. Mitt is not going to build a huge movement, thus the only option is to so depress the vote that he wins in the ugliest of fashions. My guess is that they continue harping on promises not kept bit – not to convince fellow Republicans he is a bad guy, but to inspire 2010 levels of Democrats staying home.

  17. 17.

    cmorenc

    January 15, 2012 at 8:52 am

    The main goal of the evangelical leaders’ power move isn’t to defeat Romney’s drive to the nomination, though they would like to also accomplish that if they could. RATHER, even if Romney is the nominee, they still hold some powerful high cards, namely that it will be impossible for Romney to win the general election in November without winning their full-fledged working-for-you support. The real point of their maneuver is to drive firmly home to Romney that even if he is indeed now the inevitable nominee, the nomination is worthless unless and until he commits to terms satisfactory with them, and that they’re not going to be bought off cheaply or by default simply because the alternative is another four years of Obama.

    They’re going to eventually demand things like major input on Supreme Court nominees, Health and Human Services positions, support for religious charter schools, etc. In short, they’re going to insure that he isn’t merely talking the talk of morphing hard-right, but to make sure he walks the walk if elected POTUS, most especially on all the issues important to them.

  18. 18.

    DanielX

    January 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Getting behind (Jeebus help me, I love this) a candidate whose main ideas are doing away with abortion and contraception should be outlawed. Oh yeah, and sex should only be for procreation. No nasty sweaty monkeysex for you, hippies! Plus having “major league lobbyist” on his resume and just generally being an asshole of biblical proportions. This certainly sounds like a winning platform to me. What could possibly go wrong?

    Santorum (Crisco and all) will get a lot of votes from the evangelical wingnuts in the primaries. However – from what I’ve heard, a lot of these folk will stay home in November rather than hold their noses and vote for a candidate they detest, and they detest Mittens with a passion. Having to watch Little Ricky get blown up by Mitten’s Super PAC sappers, well, it’s not going to make them happy.

    Plus I can hear the Newtron Bomb ticking right this very minute…more snacks and liquor, please.

  19. 19.

    Jay C

    January 15, 2012 at 10:01 am

    @hildebrand:

    My guess is that they continue harping on promises not kept bit – not to convince fellow Republicans he is a bad guy, but to inspire 2010 levels of Democrats staying home.

    OK: Three reasons off the bat why this is a piss-poor strategy,

    1. Negative campaigning (and in this case, what this will almost certainly amount to is hysterical doom-mongering and personal vilification) can backfire: the Obama-haters aren’t going to vote for him, anyway: and given the clownish cockup the GOP have made of this year’s nomination circus, the brand has probably been tarnished for everyone else.

    2. “Promises not kept” disappointment seems a pretty thin reed to base expectations of non-voting on: even though this is a fairly common trope on the left, the bulk of the electorate probably don’t care: and won’t be basing their votes on what a candidate has done (or didn’t do); but what may happen in the future. Advantage: Obama (IMHO)

    3. 2012 is a Presidential election year: turnout is almost always higher when there is a national ticket on the ballots: and besides, 2010 has proved to be dire warning of the perils of political apathy. Probably not gonna happen again.

    ADD: 3a. I still think the Wisconsin recall may prove to be the pivot point in this year’s elections – all of them: if Scott Walker gets the boot, I think the whole political dynamic is going to change: Republican intransigence and/or overreach has gone unchallenged for too long: a successful citizen recall of one its main practitioners will shift the whole landscape, IMO.

  20. 20.

    Schlemizel

    January 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Hear me oh great pasta – If it pleases you I beseech you to guide Ol Frothy to enough victories that his adherents might try to hold sway during the Republican convention. Let it be pleasing in your sight to witness that crew demand an end to contraception, and the institution of the whole panoply of Dark Ages social laws they want.

    I humbly beg you to allow them to fly their entire freak flag that they might expose to the whole world their gross ignorance and intolerance that the nation will turn away in disgust. That the Republican Party is crippled for 2 generations and this nation is returned once again to the land of marinara and meatballs it once was.

    I ask this in your name – Ramen,

  21. 21.

    xian

    January 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Compare: ” I don’t believe God will bless this nation until we rid ourselves of abortion.” and “For the first time in my adult life-time I am truly proud of this nation” (or even “God damn America!”)

  22. 22.

    A.J.

    January 15, 2012 at 11:25 am

    From the link: “I don’t believe God will bless this nation until we rid ourselves of abortion.” – Red State writer admitting God has not blessed America, (see also God screwing with Tebow last night.)

    I’m sure the Reich-wingers who screamed bloody he’ll over Michelle Obama’s comment about finally being proud to be an American will be all over this in 5…4…3……..

  23. 23.

    barry

    January 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

    @Villago Delenda Est: “I’m wondering if the Borg imperative will kick in on the first day of the convention, and the nice little brownshirts will all get in line for the pirate from the Satanic cult, or if they’ll rebel and there will be 1964 style contention on the convention floor.”

    The line-up will be complete loooooooooong before the convention. I’d be surprised to see significant dissent after March. The leadership will tell the base to STFU and the various lesser leaders will echo that call, or get cut off.

  24. 24.

    feebog

    January 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    @ Jay C 19:

    if Scott Walker gets the boot, I think the whole political dynamic is going to change: Republican intransigence and/or overreach has gone unchallenged for too long: a successful citizen recall of one its main practitioners will shift the whole landscape, IMO.

    I think you have hit a ten penny nail squarely on the head. Chasing Walker from office destroys the entire 2010 Republican narrative. The first hurdle, getting the necessary signatures looks to be a lock. But getting a candidate that can match up against Walker is going to be the tricky part.

  25. 25.

    Frankensteinbeck

    January 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    @barry:
    Not going to happen. 2010 proved eloquently – Christine O’Donnell very loudly – who’s in charge of the GOP. This clown car has a rubber nose, a full tank of gas, and a mission from Gorilla Grod.

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