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You are here: Home / Elections / Election 2012 / Willard, Jumping on the Couch

Willard, Jumping on the Couch

by Anne Laurie|  January 31, 20125:46 am| 33 Comments

This post is in: Election 2012, Excellent Links, Romney of the Uncanny Valley

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Another analysis of the Presumed Republican Nominee, from Paul Constant at The Stranger:

As for Mitt Romney? For some reason, the guy has always reminded me of Tom Cruise, and I never could figure out exactly why that was. It’s not that both men have made People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People list, even though they have; or that both men belong to religions that creep everyone else out, even though they do; or that both men are ridiculously wealthy and unnaturally moisturized, even though they are. It wasn’t until watching Romney’s South Carolina concession speech that I finally realized what it was about him that made me think of Cruise.
__
In all his movies and, more importantly for our purposes, in all his talk show appearances, Cruise only comes in one flavor—INTENSE. Even when he’s not gibbering up and down on an overstuffed settee, he’s staring directly at the person he’s talking to, his jaw clenched, his eyes smoky and penetrative. He can’t make jokes, because jokes are born of nuance and self-understanding, and Tom Cruise doesn’t have time for any of that shit. He’s busy being Tom Cruise all the goddamned time, and the only thing harder than being Tom Cruise all the time is being Tom Cruise when he’s pretending to interact with other human beings.
__
For the last six years, Romney has set his formidable brain to one task: become the perfect Republican presidential candidate. He’s surrounded himself with the best political team money can buy. He’s financed extensive surveys of early primary states, he’s paid experts ridiculous sums of money to run scenarios for every single eventuality that could occur in the 2012 campaign, and he’s in all likelihood dropped exorbitant sums of money in the laps of branding experts to tell him at what angle he should hold the microphone away from his body to look most presidential.
__
But like Tom Cruise, Mitt Romney gets lost in the Uncanny Valley because his outsize ambition blinds him. He’s spending all of his time thinking about what a perfect presidential candidate should say and look like and do rather than being a presidential candidate…

But then, some people say Romney’s actually been planning on being president since approximately 1970:

… Upon completion of his foreign mission, he immersed himself in the 1970 senatorial campaign of his mother, Lenore Romney, who was running against Phillip Hart in the Michigan general election. That same year, the Cougar Club — the all male, all white social club at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City (blacks were excluded from full membership in the Mormon church until 1978) — was humming with talk that its president, Mitt Romney, would become the first Mormon president of the United States. “If not Mitt, then who?” was the ubiquitous slogan within the elite organization. The pious world of BYU was expected to spawn the man who would lead the Mormons into the White House and fulfill the prophecies of the church’s founder, Joseph Smith Jr., which Romney has avidly sought to realize…

As the master of modern political journalism wrote: When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. And if you think this presidential campaign has been pretty weird so far…

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Reader Interactions

33Comments

  1. 1.

    balconesfault

    January 31, 2012 at 6:28 am

    While Cruise’s public persona may seem to overlap with Mitch’s public appearances … I’ve read that in person he’s the guy who wins you over instantly, makes you feel great about yourself, charms you. Mitt, from all I’ve heard, gives people he just meets the creeps.

    That said – you can’t mention Cruise without linking this …

    http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155090/tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet

  2. 2.

    hildebrand

    January 31, 2012 at 6:58 am

    People can excuse a great many human faults and foibles (which is why Newt is still hanging around), but being just off is something that the vast majority of people simply cannot abide. Mitt is just off. Even that picture to the left is a solid example. Its not the great expansive forehead, or the helmet hair, its the dead look in the eye even as he tries to project manly something or other. It comes off as utterly fake (and not practiced fake, like a used car salesperson, but over-practiced fake, fake fake, as it were).

    Mitt is not even authentic enough to be a phony. He is just…off, and nothing can fix that. Yes, he will automatically get 40% of the vote because a good many folks simply are sheep and hate the near guy in the White House, but the rest will need convincing, and it will be a tough sell coming from a guy that you would rather cross the street to avoid because he is weird. Not dangerous, not crazy, just wrong.

  3. 3.

    Mino

    January 31, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Just what LDS prophecy is this guy talking about?

  4. 4.

    DanielX

    January 31, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Wonder when some enterprising reporter (if there are any left) will ask Mitt about the Mountain Meadows Massacre, just to watch that noble brow creasing.

  5. 5.

    c u n d gulag

    January 31, 2012 at 7:16 am

    I like this analogy.

    Cruise is not an “actor” – he is A MOVIE STAR!

    And that’s Mitt in a nutshell.
    He’s not a politician. He just wants to be THE PRESIDENT!

  6. 6.

    WereBear (itouch)

    January 31, 2012 at 7:17 am

    @hildebrand:Mitt is not even authentic enough to be a phony.

    Yep. Kinda like the android in Alien. Once you knew, you saw him as something capable of anything. Not in a good way.

  7. 7.

    4tehlulz

    January 31, 2012 at 7:26 am

    So Mitt is the fulfillment of a Mormon prophecy.

    Way to aim low, LDS.

  8. 8.

    THE

    January 31, 2012 at 7:38 am

    or that both men belong to religions that creep everyone else out

    All religions creep me out.
    I can handle ancient folk traditions though.
    So, in a Western context, Santa is about as deep as I want to get.
    As long as they don’t ask me to actually believe it.

  9. 9.

    Princess

    January 31, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Oh lord, now I am thinking of Mitt dancing in his underwear… Thanks a lot.

  10. 10.

    squirrelhugger

    January 31, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Years ago someone I know described a conversation with a Democratic acquaintance of Bob Dole (back when most politicians were civil to each other). The acquaintance described his disappointment with Dole, explaining that he had great respect for Dole’s accomplishments during years in government service, but when he could smell the Presidency within reach, Dole cracked, set aside his principles and became just an empty vessel for the campaign. It seems to be the standard of modern politics.

  11. 11.

    k488

    January 31, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Just remember, Soylent Green, Incorporated, is people, my friends.

  12. 12.

    RossInDetroit

    January 31, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I’m not a fan of Cruise but he was fantastic in two roles: Tropic Thunder and Magnolia. In both the character was a colossal prick. Maybe that was actual Acting and the rest was just Tom Cruise.

  13. 13.

    k488

    January 31, 2012 at 8:13 am

    @RossInDetroit: Or vice-versa…

  14. 14.

    m'quirk

    January 31, 2012 at 8:41 am

    I have seen one, really good, really human interview with Tom Cruise. He and Cameron Diaz were on the British car show Top Gear.

    http://www.topgear.com/uk/videos/cruise-diaz-part-1

  15. 15.

    xian

    January 31, 2012 at 8:53 am

    So you’re saying Mitt is Tom Cruise Crazy?

  16. 16.

    Rafer Janders

    January 31, 2012 at 8:58 am

    That same year, the Cougar Club — the all male, all white social club at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City (blacks were excluded from full membership in the Mormon church until 1978) — was humming with talk that its president, Mitt Romney, would become the first Mormon president of the United States.

    Mitt Romney was 31 years old in 1978. So in his 30s, Romney was an active member of an explicitly racist group. Did he speak up against the racism? Campaign against it? Say one public word about it? Or did he just sit back and enjoy his unearned advantage?

    This is something you’d think the media would see fit to mention from time to time….(Though I’m sure that if, say, Barack Obama had been a member of a black nationalist group that explicitly excluded whites, it would be the only thing we’d ever hear about).

  17. 17.

    ellie

    January 31, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Tom Cruise has always creeped me out. I never understood his appeal.

  18. 18.

    Samara Morgan

    January 31, 2012 at 9:13 am

    look.
    America is not ready for a mormon president. Or a scientologist president, or a muslim president, or a jewish president.
    the electorate is still ~ 70% white christian.
    mormons are 2% of the population, and there is still considerable subliminated anti-mormon sentiment, ESPECIALLY in the 50% of the GOP base that is white evangelical christians.

  19. 19.

    THE

    January 31, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Or an atheist president.

  20. 20.

    Elie

    January 31, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Ol Mitt just couldnt resist imitating Obama by singing. Obama sang a bar of Al Green’s “I am so in Love with you” – while Mitt sang the whole “American the Beautiful”…

    What — imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, they say?

    BTW – Mitt is just not comfortable in his own skin.. I don’t see Cruise as uncomfortable that way, though I agree he is pretty uptight.

    Romney is going to have a horrible time with Obama..the contrast is just too much… which will make Mitt angry and even more uptight

  21. 21.

    Elie

    January 31, 2012 at 9:50 am

    @RossInDetroit:

    I thought that Cruise was pretty good in “Born on the Fourth of July”. The film was over the top but I think he gave it his all and did a strong performance. I also think it just crushed him to not receive the Oscar and he became more fixated on more typical roles after that…

    I have no idea what type of person that he is.. I agree more and more though that he and Romney share some personal attributes that are very interesting…

  22. 22.

    rikryah

    January 31, 2012 at 10:11 am

    hildebrand:

    Mitt is not even authentic enough to be a phony. He is just…off, and nothing can fix that. Yes, he will automatically get 40% of the vote because a good many folks simply are sheep and hate the near guy in the White House, but the rest will need convincing, and it will be a tough sell coming from a guy that you would rather cross the street to avoid because he is weird. Not dangerous, not crazy, just wrong.

    so absolutely true

  23. 23.

    Jess

    January 31, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @RossInDetroit: Cruise was surprisingly good in Interview with the Vampire as well. Another asshole role. Hmmmm…

  24. 24.

    rikryah

    January 31, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @Rafer Janders:

    tell it Rafer.

    tell it

  25. 25.

    Jess

    January 31, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @hildebrand: Sums him up perfectly. Nice job.

  26. 26.

    Frankensteinbeck

    January 31, 2012 at 10:20 am

    This comparison is completely insane. I get that they’re both kind of freaky, but Cruise is intense and a lot of people find that charismatic. Romney has a permanent distracted expression, like he’s thinking ‘Abort/Retry/Fail?’ over and over.

  27. 27.

    SteveM

    January 31, 2012 at 11:04 am

    And if you think this presidential campaign has been pretty weird so far…

    Alas, I think it’s going to cease being weird at 8:01 tonight, or whenever the networks call it for Romney. After that, it’s going to be Uncharismatic but Noble Republican Daddy vs. Pinko Unfairly Trying to Paint Daddy as an Extremist.

  28. 28.

    Paul in KY

    January 31, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @RossInDetroit: He’s pretty good in ‘All the Right Moves’ (IMO).

  29. 29.

    SteveM

    January 31, 2012 at 11:14 am

    @SteveM: That was meant as a description of Romney vs. Obama, not Romney vs. Gingrich.

  30. 30.

    Zak44

    January 31, 2012 at 11:27 am

    More questions for Mitt:

    Other than your father-in-law, how many dead people have you baptized? Where you present when your church made Anne Frank a Mormon?

    When Mormons die, some get to become gods and rule their own planets. Do you get to choose the planet or will it be randomly assigned?

    Speaking of planets, Mormons also hold that God lives near a planet called Kolob. What constellation is that in?

    When you wash your magic underwear, is there a special cycle you put it on? Would it be blasphemy to use fabric softener?

    What did you like most about spending your military-age years as a missionary in France? Do you and Dick Cheney ever compare draft deferments?

  31. 31.

    Joey Maloney

    January 31, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    @Jess: And that one with Jamie Foxx where he’s a cold-blooded contract killer.

  32. 32.

    cckids

    January 31, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    @Elie:

    I thought that Cruise was pretty good in “Born on the Fourth of July”. The film was over the top but I think he gave it his all and did a strong performance.

    Slightly OT, but I’ve always had a small soft spot in my heart for Cruise because of that picture–I liked it, but mainly because when it came out, most theaters weren’t wheelchair accessible, or barely so. He tried to get the distributor to only show it in theaters that were accessible, in honor of the disabled veterans the movie was about. It brought a lot of light to the issue, and made a difference.

    As a parent of a son in a wheelchair, having spent many movies stuck in the back by the garbage can, I appreciated it.

  33. 33.

    freelancer

    January 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Mitt as Michael Scott from the Office.

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