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You are here: Home / Right to Vote / Vote Like Your Country Depends On It / In Veritas vino

In Veritas vino

by Sarah, Proud and Tall|  February 10, 20126:50 pm| 31 Comments

This post is in: Vote Like Your Country Depends On It, Assholes

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The seemingly endless transition from one Mitt-free alternative to another, and the increasing perception that the great dealmaker can’t close this deal, must be causing some epic hissy fits and the odd bit of alcohol abuse at Romney HQ.

Anne Laurie linked to Ewick, Son of Ewick’s CPAC post, but didn’t quote my favorite bit.

Along the way a funny thing has happened. Romney supporters are starting to be openly critical of him. The business whiz has failed to restructure his own failing organization. His support is a mile wide and an inch deep.

And he has been replaced as front runner by the crowd. They are with Rick Santorum in heart, but also in money and votes. On the horizon looms a brokered convention.

Santorum is the new white. I expect the santorum slurping (which was already (if you will allow me to mix metaphors) bubbling away below the surface) will become unbearable, particularly now that everyone seems to want to talk about vaginas all the time. Every outlier poll which shows Santorum beating Romney or Obama will be touted throughout Wingnuttia.

Sadly, I suspect it will last about two weeks. Ricky will say something even more phenomenally stupid than his usual guff and everyone will finally get in line behind Mitt, the candidate that no one wanted.

I confess that Mitt scares me a little. He is just slick and rich and oily enough to fool the great unwashed into thinking him presidential.

Santorum, on the other hand (never a pleasant experience), is my dream candidate – a sanctimonious, unattractive and lumpish scold, with a face that cries out not only for a fist, but several carefully aimed feet.

See? Truly revolting.

You get his kind at every church. They proclaim their rectitude and their good works to any who will listen, but would snaffle the last cupcake from under the nose of an nun and proclaim it to be for her own good. They let the whole congregation see how much they put on the collection plate, but the muffins they bring to the bake sale are always store-bought and usually two days old. The only thing they value more than idle gossip is the feeling of superiority and outrage they get to enjoy after hearing it. They are, in everything, driven by a pinched anxiety that everyone they meet is either more moral or more sinful than them.

Rick Santorum once came to Shady Pines for morning tea. For a while I managed to avoid him by moving strategically from room to room. Eventually he almost cornered me, so I slipped out onto the garden terrace and hid in the janitor’s closet, only to find I was sharing it with the bishop, two nuns and a disturbingly sticky altar boy, who had also taken refuge in there. We were trapped for fifteen minutes, although happily fortified by the contents of my hipflask (although I did think the bishop offering some of my best scotch to little Billy Fortenberry was unwise).

Afterwards I had Marge Albrectson put one of her pet squirrels up Rick’s coat, so the last I saw of him he was running down the drive and screaming a high, ululating screech of terror, while a rabid ball of fluff tried to eat its way into his brain through his back.

Good times.

I hope Santorum stays in the race. I hope that his prissy mug is all over that Convention stage ranting about bumsex and rape babies and privileges and inalienable goods.

He is everything I would wish upon the Republicans.

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Reader Interactions

31Comments

  1. 1.

    Comrade Mary

    February 10, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    YouTube link is broken. Should I be sad or relieved?

    EDIT: Ah. Never mind!

  2. 2.

    jeffreyw

    February 10, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    comment

  3. 3.

    Shazza

    February 10, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    I confess that Mitt scares me a little. He is just slick and rich and oily enough to fool the great unwashed into thinking him presidential.

    I’ve actually heard someone say ‘Well if Obama loses, I wouldn’t mind Romney’.

    Yeah, right.

  4. 4.

    Gus diZerega

    February 10, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    One of your best!

  5. 5.

    Walker

    February 10, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    I used to work at a Catholic University and Santorum was invited as our commencement speaker one year. He spent this commencement speach talking about how liberals were the true bigots because they wanted to deny him the religious freedom to persecute gays.

    There is now way this guy will ever be president of anything.

  6. 6.

    Zifnab

    February 10, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Sadly, I suspect it will last about two weeks. Ricky will say something even more phenomenally stupid than his usual guff and everyone will finally get in line behind Mitt, the candidate that no one wanted.

    What is he going to say that will genuinely out-stupid Romney? Romney has dropped a couple of real bombs on his own campaign since it started, and I’m not sure what craziness Santorum can spout that won’t pander to the wingnut crowd.

    I want to agree with you. I can’t see how Romney loses. But what happens when he rolls into Tampa solely by virtue of winning blue states like California, Michigan, and New York? Are these states voting Republican for President any time soon?

    I have no idea how Santorum and Gingrich manage to stay in it, but whatever they are doing seems to have worked. Romney isn’t Mr. Inevitable anymore. That’s got to count for something.

  7. 7.

    trollhattan

    February 10, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    A squirrel in Ricky’s coat made me thing of ferret legging, and how excellent it would be to see that event added to the next debate.

    Ron Paul would win, of course, but li’l Ricky would be grinnin’ like a kid who just stole a Twinkie from Quickie Mart.

  8. 8.

    Martin

    February 10, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    @Zifnab:

    What is he going to say that will genuinely out-stupid Romney?

    He reiterates that his concern is the protective instinct of males toward female comrades. He acknowledges that women are presently in combat positions in the Air Force and Navy. “But I don’t think you see the same problems [that servicemen] would find on the front line.” He says, “It’s not a matter of putting women in dangerous roles.” He tells me, for example, that women are fully capable of “flying small planes.”

    That was today. Santorum can not only out-stupid Romney, he can win that fight inside any given 24 hour period you choose.

  9. 9.

    JR

    February 10, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States:…

    He knows not of what he speaks.

  10. 10.

    Violet

    February 10, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Gingrich is done. He got the least warm reception at CPAC. Santorum is the final Not Romney. Newt may win Georgia and possibly one other southern state, maybe Alabama since it borders GA, but that’s it. Santorum is going to do better in the south than people expect.

    I hope Ron Paul wins Maine this weekend. That would add an extra layer of interest. Plus it would another one Romney “should have” won that he didn’t.

  11. 11.

    Martin

    February 10, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    @Zifnab:

    I have no idea how Santorum and Gingrich manage to stay in it, but whatever they are doing seems to have worked. Romney isn’t Mr. Inevitable anymore. That’s got to count for something.

    Well, they haven’t really done much of anything. Both Santorum and Noot have terrible favorability ratings, but Santorums unfavorables are the lowest of the bunch, so of course he’s going to get some interest. But mostly, voters still don’t know him because he really hasn’t gotten the kind of airtime as Romney/Noot. So long as the billionaires keep dropping SuperPAC money, anyone could stay in the race.

    Normally in a primary race the goal is to raise your favorables because candidates start out largely unknown. Lots of rallies, debates, volunteers out singing your praises, and so on. But these guys aren’t doing that – SuperPACs are turning into scorched earth weapons, and Mitts money is just now getting trained on Santorum to drive his unfavorables up. Too bad there aren’t any debates soon, they’d be wicked fun at this stage.

  12. 12.

    gex

    February 10, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    @Walker: He must be such a bottom. That’s what really scares him.

  13. 13.

    Violet

    February 10, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    @Martin:

    Too bad there aren’t any debates soon, they’d be wicked fun at this stage.

    The next scheduled debate is February 22nd in Arizona. So, not that far off, but ages in political time.

  14. 14.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    February 10, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    @Zifnab:

    What is he going to say that will genuinely out-stupid Romney? Romney has dropped a couple of real bombs on his own campaign since it started, and I’m not sure what craziness Santorum can spout that won’t pander to the wingnut crowd.

    I admit it is difficult to imagine. “Man on dog” and “Dog peeing on man” didn’t destroy his career, so who knows…

    I want to agree with you. I can’t see how Romney loses. But what happens when he rolls into Tampa solely by virtue of winning blue states like California, Michigan, and New York? Are these states voting Republican for President any time soon?
    __
    I have no idea how Santorum and Gingrich manage to stay in it, but whatever they are doing seems to have worked. Romney isn’t Mr. Inevitable anymore. That’s got to count for something.

    I know. Isn’t it wonderful? I have no doubt that Romney will be damaged goods by the time the election comes around. Barring the unthinkable, I can’t see him beating Obama.

  15. 15.

    Joseph Nobles

    February 10, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    He cited the French Revolution and raised the specter of the guillotine in response to rational inclusion of family planning/women’s health in basic insurance.

    In the Churches of Christ, we’d call Rih “Always a deacon, never an elder.”

  16. 16.

    Maude

    February 10, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:
    You win the intertubes for Santorum is the new white.
    They’re in the mail.

  17. 17.

    beltane

    February 10, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    He cited the French Revolution and raised the specter of the guillotine

    If only…

  18. 18.

    Mnemosyne

    February 10, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    They let the whole congregation see how much they put on the collection plate, but the muffins they bring to the bake sale are always store-bought and usually two days old.

    Nailed it.

  19. 19.

    Mnemosyne

    February 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    @Joseph Nobles:

    I thought the decapitation talk was him trying to allude to Obama’s atheistic desire to bring in sharia law and forcibly convert everyone to Islam.

  20. 20.

    Villago Delenda Est

    February 10, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    @Joseph Nobles:

    The Jacobins had the right idea about how to deal with their beanie brigade.

  21. 21.

    Cat Lady

    February 10, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    @Violet:

    He’s so desperate he had Callista give a “speech” about the real Newt. I only saw the CNN chyron while she was “speaking” because I was at a restaurant, so I assume he’s going for the women’s vote now/

  22. 22.

    Danny

    February 10, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    I confess that Mitt scares me a little.

    How? I watched his CPAC speech and the man’s just… weird! He mixes the mandatory unhinged anger up by making this strange puppy face after every line as if to say: “Look at how miserable this usurper in the White House made me! Don’t you feel sorry for me?”

    If that’s a winning campaign then we’re at a strange place in our history.. Gingrich is the only one in the bunch who can pull off a speech without making me cringe. The deficit these guys ought to worry about is the talent deficit in the Republican party.

  23. 23.

    pragmatism

    February 10, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    That. Was. Awesome. Well done SP&T. These are strange times.

  24. 24.

    Binky the Bear

    February 10, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    Santorum is the new Ted Haggard. You just know there is something extra hinky going on there.

  25. 25.

    Sarah Proud and Tall

    February 10, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    @Binky the Bear:

    One word: pegging.

    Probably while he cries like a baby.

  26. 26.

    Snarki, child of Loki

    February 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    But mostly, voters still don’t know [Santorum] because he really hasn’t gotten the kind of airtime as Romney/Noot.

    Yeah, and when they start to say to themselves “Hmmm, Guess I should learn more about Santorum. Let’s see what Google says”.

    Fun fun fun

  27. 27.

    Arclite

    February 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    You know, I really wonder how much longer Rick Santorum has before he pulls a Ted Haggard.

  28. 28.

    DanielX

    February 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Afterwards I had Marge Albrectson put one of her pet squirrels up Rick’s coat, so the last I saw of him he was running down the drive and screaming a high, ululating screech of terror, while a rabid ball of fluff tried to eat its way into his brain through his back.

    You know, this would explain a lot…..

  29. 29.

    Jay C

    February 10, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    He is everything I would wish upon the Republicans.

    Even stranger, he seems to be what the Republicans are going to wish on themselves!

    Fun times….

  30. 30.

    Frankensteinbeck

    February 10, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    @Zifnab:
    Romney is a bad candidate. He’s not bright, he’s not quick on his feet, and he prefers yes-men to competent fixers. He has the charisma of a flaccid whoopie cushion. He would actually look more human and natural wearing Groucho Marx glasses.

    He’s running against circus clowns so utterly incompetent and self-absorbed they don’t have campaign staffs. That’s why he’s gotten this far, and why they’ve gotten this far.

  31. 31.

    AA+ Bonds

    February 11, 2012 at 12:20 am

    Is there anything more pathetic than a sniffle-boo Joan Walsh

    All this stupid dipshit has said all through this contraception thing is “shame on liberal Catholics for defending the Church”

    liberals such as CHRIS MATTHEWS and that French sounding foo foo from the Washington Post who backs up David Brooks on the Fascist Minute on NPR

    GUESS WHAT YOU STUPID SHITPILE JOAN WALSH, CATHOLICS DON’T THINK OBAMA SHOULD LISTEN TO THE CHURCH

    But rich worthless shits like Joan Walsh define themselves by pretending to be the only Catholics who matter so clearly all those plebe prole Catholics are all hypocrites and just up the bishops’ asses on contraception because otherwise Joan Walsh wouldn’t be THE SPECIAL ENLIGHTENED CATHOLIC

    Except Catholics who aren’t celebrities she jacks off under the table, they do ALREADY “agree” with her, and yet of course to Joan Walsh, they both don’t exist and must be shamed, I guess for not being Joan Walsh and having a column to whine about it

    Joan Walsh: go fuck yourself

    I will blame you for every woman the right kills from now on

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