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You are here: Home / Politics / Religion / Every Sperm Is Sacred

Every Sperm Is Sacred

by | 60 Comments

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For real, this time:

The Wilmington City Council has a message for men — sperm are people, too.

The council for Delaware’s largest city passed a resolution by an 8-4 vote Thursday calling on the Delaware legislature, other state legislatures and the U.S. Congress to pass laws granting “personhood” rights to eggs and sperm. The resolution was authored by councilwoman Loretta Walsh as a protest in the current battle over women’s health care access.

“[E]ach ‘egg person’ and each ‘sperm person’ should be deemed equal in the eyes of the government and be subject to the same laws and regulations as any other dependent minor and be protected against abuse, neglect or abandonment by the parent or guardian,” says the resolution. “[L]aws should be enacted by all legislative bodies in the United States to promote equal representation, and should potentially include laws in defense of ‘personhood,’ forbidding every man from destroying his semen.”

So basically, every teenage boy with surging hormones and a Playboy is a mass murderer, and spring break in Key West is the holocaust.

Reader Interactions

60Comments

  1. 1.

    The Dangerman

    So basically, every teenage boy with surging hormones and a Playboy is a mass murderer, and spring break in Key West is the holocaust.

    Oh, it’s even worse; if the little swimmers are swimming in the right pool, there is a winner (of the egg) and a whole pile of losers, and all those losers are dispatched by the owner of the pool. So, women are the biggest mass murderers of all.

  2. 2.

    piratedan

    well hell, I can only imagine the wait at the elections commission now… these new voter drives are gonna be the shiznit! Good luck bringing ID and proof of residency paperwork.

  4. 4.

    MikeTheZ

    The horrible thing is I read this and until it gets to the part specifically saying its a protest I think its a serious proposal by the Republicans. POE’S LAW IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTY PLATFORM!

  5. 5.

    The Dangerman

    Blue Balls = False Imprisonment?

    ETA: I’m hiding my Guy Card given the sin of joking about the Blue ones; guys should never do such things, I know.

  6. 6.

    robertdsc-PowerBook

    Every one of those yes votes deserves a Predator drone strike soonest. Goddamned ridiculous.

  7. 7.

    Measles Montgomery

    But what about the promise of the egg? If I abstain from sex, aren’t I denying that egg its gods-given right to become actualized? Oh, that slope is slippery indeed! I dare not ask what was spilled on it to make it so.

  8. 8.

    John Carter

    I dunno. If I read that right, EVERY sperm and EVERY egg has personhood rights. Not the semen, the sperm. So I guess my wife and I just got a few million tax deductions this year?

  10. 10.

    Cassidy

    @The Dangerman: If women would just do their Republican duty, this would not be a problem. Maybe they should *pass a law mandating that as well.

    *I’ll shut up now before I give those ratfuckers any ideas.

  11. 11.

    Geoduck

    @MikeTheZ:

    until it gets to the part specifically saying its a protest I think its a serious proposal by the Republicans

    No Republican is ever going to promote a bill regulating sperm in any way, shape or form.

  12. 12.

    Warren Terra

    I think the Wilmington City Council has rather missed the point. The idea is to confront asshats who are propounding theocratic “personhood” laws by forcing them to vote on the parodies of their position. It’s not to take a nice liberal group of folks and actually pass this sh!t. The cream pie is intended for the face of the other side, fellas.

  13. 13.

    David Koch

    every teenage boy with surging hormones and a Playboy computer is a mass murderer,

    /fixed

  15. 15.

    cathyx

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard. It can’t be real. Please check again.

    Egg and sperm are not viable on their own. It’s like when you dye your hair. If you don’t combine the two bottles together, it won’t color your hair.

  16. 16.

    dr. bloor

    @efgoldman:

    Yeah, this could only have been snark, although I want to know more about the nitwit that voted “present.” He’s probably the walking embodiment of the “independent” voter.

  19. 19.

    cathyx

    What’s really bad is that the entire discussion that’s been going on lately about abortion rights and contraception sounds just as outrageous as this and should be snark also but it isn’t. So it’s easy to believe that this is serious.

  20. 20.

    Amir Khalid

    I hope the text of this resolution includes language noting that “If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.”

  21. 21.

    Midnight Marauder

    Delaware’s largest city has been officially claimed by Peak Wingnut.

    Wow.

    EDIT: I am also even more disturbed that it is supposed to be a joke, and yet it’s just fucking par for the course for extremist legislation these days.

  24. 24.

    jeff

    Got that it is a snark but the question I have had about all of these personhood laws for eggs and sperm, is when do I get a tax deduction for my swimmers and my wifes clutch of inside in tiny people?

  25. 25.

    Billy Beane

    Yawn, as usual everyone is doing it wrong. While going all Daily Show has its place….that place is ON THE FUCKING DAILY SHOW. Your average knuckle dragger doesn’t get ironic humor that contradicts their world view.

    In order to get through to those people you need to go Jeebus on them! Ask them what would Jeebus do. Ask them where in the bible it says eggs are sacred? Ask them if God wants more unwanted kids and teenage suicides? Introduce bills that enforce EXACTLY what the bible says quoting the exact passage.

    Here is an example for those following along:

    Resolution 34.5-4
    “As per Exodus 21:7, if a man sells his daughter into slavery, she is not allowed to go free as the male slaves are.”

    “As per Deuteronomy 22:13-21, if your wife is not a virgin at the time of her marriage, she’s a whore and must be stoned to death”

  27. 27.

    Russ

    What is really sad is even though this resolution is facetious and snarky, it’s believable in the context of current Republican dialogue.

  28. 28.

    wrb

    How about the protection of worms?.

    Yes, a sperm contains the soul that will eventually construct a more commodious human body to inhabit; but Lucretius points out that after a person dies, while it will seem for awhile that the soul has left, if you watch the corpse long enough worms will come to life and come crawling out of the corpse. So the soul has constructed the human as a means to its ultimate goal of wormhood. Our purpose is to be a growth medium for the worms that our souls aspire to inhabit.

    He then goes on to dismiss that theory, but I like it.

  29. 29.

    jonas

    @cathyx: without a woman allowing them to use her body for nine months to grow and sustain themselves, an egg and sperm *together* aren’t viable either.

  31. 31.

    jonas

    I really hope we see more of this stuff, especially the awesome bill put up by the Democrats in Virginia requiring a stress test and butt exam for any man needing a Viagra prescription. Hear that Rush, you fucking slut?

  32. 32.

    jonas

    D’oh! In moderation! Can we agree that if the words “fnuking pslutt” are used to refer to Rush Limbaugh, it gets expedited?

  33. 33.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Amir Khalid:

    I have an off-topic, off-thread and off-line (but hopefully not off-the-wall) question for you.

    Would you be willing to email me at SiubhanDuinne(at)gmail(dot)com at your convenience?

    Thanks!

  36. 36.

    cathyx

    @catpal: Now if he had gone after a boy, he would simply have been transferred to another parish and not arrested.

  40. 40.

    General Stuck (Bravo Nope Zero)

    If those sperm don’t have a social security number, they don’t exist , they are illegal aliens and need to hop back in their little tadpole boats and swim back the Rio Grande, and file for a green card. rules are rules/wingnut.

  42. 42.

    Horrendo Slapp (formerly Jimperson Zibb, Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.)

    I think we should arrest any man whose wife or girlfriend gets pregnant. Sure one sperm got to have a life, but what of those untold millions of sperm who didn’t? Do they count less? Do they not cry out for justice over their senseless slaughter? I call on every Democratic legislator, from Congress down to the mealiest town council to bring up idiotic bills like this every day until it becomes obvious to even Republicans that the (serious) bills they are pushing are bullshit.

  43. 43.

    PaulW

    Um, they really don’t have Spring Break in Key West.

    Not enough room, you see.

    If you make any Spring Break jokes, please refer to Pensacola, Daytona Beach, or that ole standby Ft. Lauderdale.

  47. 47.

    brantl

    And every period that a woman has from the onset of menstruation to menopause, that doesn’t result in a baby, means that she’s a murderer, by this pinhead’s line of reasoning.
    Jesus’ General, the Tubesock Holocaust.

  48. 48.

    Bex

    Huff Post publishes Rush’s apology for calling Ms. Fluke a slut, but he makes it clear he still doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about re her testimony or contraception in general. Apologize for that too, Round Mound of Pounds.

  49. 49.

    Amir Khalid

    @Bex:
    An apology doesn’t count if you don’t understand what you’re apologizing for. But Rush Limbaugh can’t bring himself to admit he was wrong on substance. His fragile self-image could never withstand that. So he just says, oopsie, he chose the wrong words.

    ETA: Maybe this apology only happened because Limbaugh’s bosses read him the riot act. And this was the best he could manage without losing face in front of his listeners.

  50. 50.

    Spaghetti Lee

    If I have 20 billion people or so living in my testicles, shouldn’t they be paying me rent?

  58. 58.

    Ecks

    @cathyx:

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard… Egg and sperm are not viable on their own.

    I know you’ve since clued in, but what does viability have to do with anything? There are multiple arbitrary points at which you can start “personhood”. You can have conception, implantation, viability (if removed from the womb with life support), viability (if removed WITHOUT life support), birth, acquisition of speech, age of majority, or never-unless-they’re-rich. Most people are quite happy ruling the last 3 out, but after that it’s a mugs game. There simply isn’t a clear logical answer at that point. Existence of eggs and sperm with their own genetic code and wiggly aliveness is every bit as sensible as conception (which is just wiggly aliveness with more genetic material and the ability to multiply).

  59. 59.

    Ecks

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    If I have 20 billion people or so living in my testicles, shouldn’t they be paying me rent?

    Thus making “eviction” an interesting new euphemism.

  60. 60.

    Death Panel Truck

    Playboy?

    In an age of Internet porn, what kid is going to bother trying to get his hands on a fucking Playboy?

    (I used to steal ’em from the local drug store myself, back in ’78. ;)

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