This is dumb, even by Doughy Pantload standards:
Neither man is noted for his speaking abilities, so why would anyone want to “marry Rick Santorum’s and Mitt Romney’s speeches into a single address,” knowing that the result of that unholy alliance would either be pablum delivered in angry tones or grievances recited robotically?
What Goldberg actually longs for is a candidate who combines Santorum’s Torquemadan zeal to root out and reprove wickedness with Romney’s droid-like mien. But Goldberg begins with the reference to the speeches because suggesting a marriage of the men would be so, well, gay.
However, with typical sloth, Goldberg goes ahead and screws that metaphorical pooch anyway: “If you married the best parts of both men, you’d have something pretty impressive.” Married man parts — on NRO! Heckuva job, Goldy.
[X-POSTED on Rumproast]
MikeJ
Because they’re both fucked, and that’s wrong without marriage?
chopper
what is it with goopers and their consistent desire to create some kind of conservative Serpentor out of a bunch of half-assed not-ready-for-prime-time candidates? why not just call for the cloning of reagan from a biopsy of his corpse?
Linda Featheringill
I have suspected that Santorum would like to be Torquemada. However, he’s too much of a loser to achieve that. He’ll probably never get higher than Savonarola, who was just as zealous but was devoured by the movement he helped create.
chopper
@Linda Featheringill:
let’s face It, you can’t torquemada anything!
Satanicpanic
Jonah supports same sex marriage?
Wilson Heath
Half-assed? Palin wants her name thrown in at the convention. That’s the whole ass! Clown-car Voltron, here we come!
MattF
Hey, why not add Noot’s narcissism and Paul’s crackpot economics– that would appeal to everyone, right? Um, well, maybe not.
mistermix
I wouldn’t want to be the person cleaning the sheets after that wedding night.
RossInDetroit
I heard Rih speak for the first time yesterday. The radio was on in the car for a weather report and NPR had one of his speeches. I didn’t know who it was until he started talking about how Americans are under stress and Government caused a lot of it.
The content was nonsense but he has a good speaking voice and delivery. At least compared to the low bar that Mitt sets.
Southern Beale
Romney is disciplined in staying on message? No he’s not! That’s why he’s made so many verbal gaffes! “Corporations are people, my friend.” “I have many friends who own NASCAR teams.” “Anne has TWO Cadillacs!”
I mean, Jeeeeezus.
Chyron HR
Well, that’s just silly. The GOP should install Mitt Romney’s devious brain inside Rick Santorum’s mighty torso, like Krang from TMNT.
Linda Featheringill
@Chyron HR:
Oh? Rick has a mighty torso? I missed that. How unobservant of me.
Quincy
Wait, is he admitting Rih’s convictions are scary?
lacp
So what The Doughy One really wants is Man On Dog On Roof.
Shawn in ShowMe
@Southern Beale:
If the GOP ever get a filibuster proof majority in Congress, the first thing they should do is ban Youtube. It’s absolutely killing them. On the one hand, we’ve got a pleasant guy singing Al Green songs and jacking douchebag reporters for their lunch money. On the other hand, we’ve got the malfunctioning robot from 1940s science fiction.
dmsilev
In what universe is Mitt Romney known for his message discipline? The man sticks his foot in his mouth so often, he flosses with a shoelace.
Suffern ACE
Meh. What the voters want is one of the two to reveal that he is a horocrux of Reagan at the convention.
vernon
Anyone else sick to death of the verb “marry” as a substitute for “combine” or “ally”? I mean what’s the fucking point?
Comrade Javamanphil
@lacp: Win.
WhatHaveTheRomansEverDoneForUs? (formerly MarkJ)
Lets combine two unlikable candidates to make one likeable one? Sure, that makes sense.
Ash Can
Boy howdy — a powerfully malodorous, impressively large heap of barnyard shit.
Jay C
So what’s different, Betty? Isn’t this basically what we’ve been getting from the GOP candidates all year?
Hoodie
I suggest pantload move to Russia. They now have a guy that would give him just what he wants, a combination of Santorum’s sentimental monstrousness and Romney’s corrupt lust for power.
Emma
@mistermix: Highly disturbing imagery, as they say in some fanfic sites. I will never look at the “honeymoon suite” in the same way again.
Cacti
It reminds of The Simpsons where Homer plans to breed Snowball and Santa’s Little Helper to create the “perfect pet”…
“With the loyalty of a cat, and the cleanliness of a dog”.
Someguy
You could have saved us a lot of time reading that Betty, if you’d just called Goldberg a homo and been done with it.
GregB
Wouldn’t a merger between Bishop Santorum and the Romnneybot 3000 actually create a cyborg.
dedc79
On NPR this morning an ohio voter described Romney’s strength as his forthrightness. Honest to god.
TK-421
Look, they all want George W. Bush again, Doughy Pantload included. But they know they can’t come right out and say that. This is why we get all these nonsensical contortions and twisted justifications and objections. None of it makes sense because Republicans are lying to themselves about what they want.
They want George W. Bush again, but they can’t admit it.
Democratic Nihilist, Keeper Of Party Purity
Mittens doesn’t mean a word he says.
Santorum means every word he says.
Not sure which one scares me worse.
maya
I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.
Torquemada…..Torquemada…
I see heaven when I see thee, Torquemada,
And thy name is like a prayer
An angel whispers… Torquemada… Torquemada!
Cacti
@dedc79:
They probably used to wonder why that Eddie Haskell fellow was so disliked on Leave it to Beaver.
Democratic Nihilist, Keeper Of Party Purity
@RossInDetroit: I haven’t seen him on TV, and that’s the acid test, but I have heard Rick a few times on the radio and he sounds really good. And boy howdy does he know how to serve up the red meat. He’s a 100% base candidate, that one is.
Romney, OTOH, sounds like a lying pile of shit. There’s probably a good reason for that.
Rafer Janders
@TK-421:
George W. Who? I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with the name. None of the Republican candidates for president have ever mentioned the man or his works.
Reagan, yes, I’m familiar with him. President of the USA from 1981 to 1993, and then from 2001* to 2009.
*Excepting September 11th, 2001, the day Bill Clinton resumed being president for one day.
Bulworth
Oh I don’t know. “fog of America the Beautiful platitudes” is pretty good stuff.
maya
@TK-421:
But some of them are willing to have his mommy do robo-calls.
Nutella
@Rafer Janders:
Hey, no fair mentioning former presidents! Only a cowardly Democrat would do that. Manly, forthright Republicans deny that history ever happened: Rick Santorum Makes the Bizarre Promise to Never Speak the Name of Any Former President
Uncle Cosmo
@Satanicpanic: In this case more like same-sucks marriage.
Uncle Cosmo
What a primary season: Man on Dog vs Dog on Car vs Galt on Drugs vs Ego on Trip…
urizon
The way I see it, Goldberg simply wants to gay-marry his two boyfriends. And who are we to stand in the way when his deepest homoerotic fantasies finally froth to the surface?
kuvasz
All one needs to do is look at Mr. Goldberg’s work to realize the brain damage wrought from eating Elmer’s glue.
I have met hydrocephalus babies brighter than Goldberg.
Rafer Janders
@Nutella:
It’s absolutely bizarre, isn’t it, how completely George W. Bush — who, remember, was still president as short a time ago as 2009 — has become He Who Must Not Be Named among Republicans. For eight long years the GOP lauded the man and his works, and yet now he’s been purged as completely as an out-of-favor Bolshevik edited out of a picture with Stalin.
Rafer Janders
@Nutella:
It’s going to be a bit awkward, isn’t it, being president and yet never being able to mention the names of Washington, D.C. and Washington State….
jh
@chopper:
Conservative Serpentor?
Sir, your internets are in the mail.
Triassic Sands
If you married Mitt and Rick together, as far as I can tell, all you’d have would be a robot who worships the Pope. What’s so attractive about that?
kooks
@WhatHaveTheRomansEverDoneForUs? (formerly MarkJ):
hey, just like a CDO. You could probably get a ratings agency to stamp them AAA too! pure win for republicans, nothing ever went wrong with CDO’s…
Cris (without an H)
Shorter Jonah: I want a candidate who is passionate, but isn’t passionate.
mdblanche
@maya:
You have shown me the sky,
But what good is the sky
To a creature who’ll never
Do better than crawl?
Of all the cruel bastards
Who’ve badgered and battered me,
You are the cruelest of all!
Can’t you see what your gentle
Insanities do to me?
Rob me of anger and give me despair!
Blows and abuse I can take and give back again,
Tenderness I cannot bear!
So please torture me now
With your “Sweet Torquemadas” no more!
I am no one! I’m nothing!
I’m only Santorum the man-whore!
Arclite
I think what Goldberg wants to do is cut each man in half lengthwise and glue them together to create the perfect zombie candidate to beat Obama in the fall. Now there’s an idea I can support!
Alistair
@Wilson Heath: Holy crap, Clown Car Voltron! “Form shoes and suit! Form gloves and wig! And, I’ll form the nose!”
priscianusjr
Sort of an Opus Dei Mormon. Cool.