From the “YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP” files, we have a new contender for the 2012 Wetsuit with Two Dildos Award:
A co-founder for Invisible Children was detained in Pacific Beach Thursday for being drunk in public and masturbating, according to San Diego Police Department.
Jason Russell, 33, was allegedly found masturbating in public, vandalizing cars and possibly under the influence of something, according to Lt. Andra Brown. He was detained at the intersection of Ingraham Street and Riviera Road.
Brown said Russell was acting very strange.
Again, let’s not be quick to judge. Unless you’ve never drunkenly taken to the streets to smash cars and masturbate, you should probably keep your opinions to yourself. This statement from Invisible Children CEO is priceless, too:
Jason Russell was unfortunately hospitalized yesterday suffering from exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition. He is now receiving medical care and is focused on getting better. The past two weeks have taken a severe emotional toll on all of us, Jason especially, and that toll manifested itself in an unfortunate incident yesterday.
I can see his point. After I spent a few months drunkenly masturbating in public, I made a serious effort to eat healthier, drink more water, and relieve my stress loads. Since I took those steps, I am hardly ever pushed to the point that I need to pleasure myself in the middle of the street.
Wait, I thought masturbating helped relieve stress loads.
I’m trying to visualize someone simultaneously masturbating and vandalizing cars. That is quite a feat though I’m not sure I want to learn all the details.
Wow. There just are no words.
Exactly how were the cars vandalized? That stuff might be hard to get off a car with a nice finish, especially after a few hours.
Luckily I am not in a position to judge, or, prudently, I will say that.
@beltane: Personally, I think masturbating near a car that doesn’t belong to you is an act of vandalism.
How drunk do you have to be to just decide to jerk one out in public? I’ve been pretty damn drunk before, but I don’t recall ever once thinking it might be fun to wrestle the one eyed snake in a parking lot after 6 or 14 beers.
Apparently all that christian money from wingnut groups funding them just forced him to do it.
@beltane: I’m guessing masturbating onto a car would be vandalizing it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFqhPaSL79I
A co-founder for Invisible Children
Did anyone ever explain to him that he wasn’t actually invisible?
A couple of years ago the fundie, Republican chairman of some godforsaken South Carolina county was also arrested for masturbating in public while drunk. The South Carolina gentleman, however, was also dressed as a woman and was arrested masturbating outside of a car wash. Can Jason Russell top that?
I saw that guy on TV for 30 seconds, and immediately thought two things:
1) He’s gay
2) He’s a faker, an infomercial snake-oil salesman.
Then we find out he’s hyper-Christian and married with kids (and wants more).
Anyway, I guess I need to have my Public Masturbator/Vandalizer detector calibrated.
But I’ll take it. He’s full of horseshit.
Oh, and so is the “Apple is a slave-boss” playwright guy. This American Life is retracting the story they did based on his “reporting.”
The world is ending. Or something.
Love the use of the passive voice: “manifested itself in an unfortunate incident.” Shit just happens, you know.
@Joshua Norton: Maybe the children were invisible and he wasn’t masturbating: he was raping invisible children in public.
Maybe he accidentally masturbated?
Come on folks, it happens all the time.
Invisible children helps fight against enslaving children to be soldiers in Africa. Usually by murdering their parents.
Probably just slipped your mind that you should have mentioned that as well Not Republican Cole.
@beltane: Car washes are so hot.
Uhhh …. Gee, honey, I’m just so dehydrated right now ….
Masturbating near cars isn’t going to get him his next 9 kids and may very well bring him up on charges for crimes against the unborn in several states sometime soon.
(Odd too, how filming stuff in a scary war zone against the very personification of evil wasn’t stressful enough to produce this sort of behavior but these last two weeks were.)
That entire linked story is hilarious but this is my fav line:
“He allegedly took off his underwear at one point, but it was back on by the time officers arrived, said Lt. Brown.”
Here he comes now singing Kony, Kony
Raising your awareness of his well toned boney
bump ta bump bump.
Damn, that happened about six blocks from me. I have an interesting neighborhood. My car is very unsexy though, it’s safe.
“Well, hardly ever”
The world got sucked into a Gilbert & Sullivan musical and we’re just now starting to notice? Explains rather a lot, actually.
I feel so good I want to masturbate outside tonight
I feel so good I want to take some cars apart tonight
Anybody remember the famous case of a business man on a flight from South America who when he was refused an additional drink climbed on a serving cart, dropped trou, and took a shit?
He checkout medically ok afterwards but he wound up dying 5 years later from Alzheimer’s.
@Daaling: Dipshit says what?
@ChrisNYC: You can never be too careful.
I’m sorry, officer. I didn’t know I couldn’t do that ….
In fairness, we’ve yet to see the out- takes
Sargent Pepper's Spray
This seems more likely to be mental illness at work than Green Balloons. Extreme mania possibly, but I’d have to pull the DSM IV off the shelf. Doesn’t sound like standard sleazy wingnut sexual hypocrisy as much as a bad breakdown.
Hard to top the first comment from the story:
He got his invisible children all over some dude’s car.
Yes, but when taken to extremes it could lead to exhaustion and dehydration. Though I think that’s a sign “your doin’ it wrong”.
General Stuck (Bravo Nope Zero)
Never been drunk enough to wank it in public, though certainly enough to please the whizz gawds when nature demanded. Once a car load of us drove to cincy for a Reds ballgame and traffic got backed up on the I 75 bridge, my very drunk eyes were floating so I hopped out, whipped out my johnson and added some runoff to the mighty Ohio river. Some fools were honking their horns, gave em the Bronx Salute, and that was that?
I’m actually not going to judge. From reading what happened, he clearly had something wrong with him to behave that way. Sounds like someone who took drugs, but we need to find out.
Sorry officer. I was cleaning it and it just went off.
Dude, you might want to rephrase that.
At least he’s not a flight attendant with American Airlines, no?
Wonder if it was a mental issue or drugs? Or not taking his meds?
@Sargent Pepper’s Spray:
My guess is that some kind of mind-altering chemical was involved. It might be something as simple as alcohol, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were something a lot stronger.
I suppose you’ve never had “one of those days”. Let those who have never drunkenly masturbated in public cast the first stone.
The Other Chuck
You mean “there is a happening of shit”, right?
Sorry, you are being quick to judge. I don’t know if the guy was “just drunk” or whether the drunkeness was masking some kind of episode related to mental or psychological distress.
And piling on because of associations with christian or wingnut groups is typical, but uncalled for.
You want to toss in some scorn for the head of the Lubbock Planned Parenthood organization, recently arrested for exposing himself in a public park?
This guy appeared to be stone cold sober.
I do recall mentioning him in a comment not too long ago. As far as I know, neither senile dementia nor Alzheimer’s disease results in that kind of outburst, although I’m no expert and someone else here might know better.
@BGinCHI: So you support child enslavement and genocide. What’s that like? Didn’t know defending people who ignore that was what this site was all about. Good to know.
@daveNYC: urrum…bbeeecause you are too dumb to figure it out or you support genocide?
@Sargent Pepper’s Spray: Tend to agree. The problem with the anti-mania drugs is that if a person is highly stressed, dehydrated, etc., they don’t work very well and, in fact, with some of them, you are worse off taking them than not.
I would have a hunch you are correct on the manic episode diagnosis and would tend to disoc#nt some of the other.
Of course, much of the RW discounts the whole concept of mental illness which is why they fought reuiring insurance companies to cover it on a par with other medical issues.
Perhaps he saw the intersection sign, thought of Geraldo and Laura, and went off, um, half-cocked.
@Linnaeus: Shit may have happened at some point, mistakes were made.
Just saw this from @pourmecoffee:
and was a bit puzzled until I came here for the scoop.
Yeah, well who’s heart you gonna break tonight?
Joshua Norton @36 FTW
I’ve been wondering if something like this was going to happen; there were simply too many reputable-sounding reports out there that conflicted with some of the claims being made by this guy. Thanks for the heads-up on this!
And that’s why we’ll never beat the Liberty University team or have nice things. We haven’t evolved beyond our debilitating empathy for sentient beings while continuing to the mass murder of innocent zygotes.
@Daaling: Yeah, it says that right at the top.
Tone In DC
Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody wang chung tonight
Down and Out of Sài Gòn
The Kony film pissed off a lot of people, especially for its pro-invasion overtones. Crikey argued that if you are going to invade countries to “save the kids”, you might as well start with the United States.
(Warning: contains satire.)
At least he didn’t shoot up a lot of folks while drunk so there’s that.
At least he didn’t shoot up a lot of folks while drunk so there’s that.
@PTirebiter: So we should make judgments about his behavior before knowing what caused that behavior? Would you feel ok about making fun of him if it turns out he has a brain tumor which caused this errratic behavior?
This is part of San Diego living. While the rest of the country is scraping ice off of their windshields, we’re squeegeeing semen.
NICE WEATHER, bitch. get some
He was either on something (or a combination of somethings), having a mental breakdown, or both.
Mental health issues, and drug interactions, are freakish and scary. If he was going through a bad time, and then had a bad reaction between some prescription medicine and alcohol, that could explain the whole thing.
And at least his bizarre outburst didn’t result in him or anyone else getting hurt.
I won’t be quick to judge. I will be quick to laugh though. Ha ha ha, jerking off on cars is funny.
You better ask wilfred. He’s been doing so here for most of today.
OK, I’ll throw this out there: Does anyone else thinks this smells a lot like a set up of some kind?
@Down and Out of Sài Gòn: If we’re not there yet, just wait a bit.
Did he yell and turn into a panther at the end, too?
@BGinCHI: Right at the top. Ok let’s see “From the “YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP” files, we have a new contender for the 2012 Wetsuit with Two Dildos Award:”
So you think Children being enslaved to become soldiers as the result of and to carry on genocide is funny? What’s it like being scum of the earth?
Do you mean “Two wetsuits”?
@Bill Arnold: Because two dildos would be just weird.
sounds like a bad acid trip.
I thought that was legal in California, if not mandatory.
His sparks of creative intelligence and insanity have propelled
IC to redefine the concept of humanitarian work, offering new life to old hopethe crazy right out of his pants. via
@kc: So did I. I guess I should apologize to everyone at Sea World. I was just trying to fit in.
I’m frankly amazed that the Lubbock thing didn’t get broadcast from the mountaintops by the Wurlitzer. Doesn’t even rate a mention on the Fox News website.
@Daaling: Hold your breath until he answers. Don’t worry if you start to turn blue. Use some duct tape to make sure you don’t atumatically inhale.
You know what causes dehydration, malnutrition, and exhaustion? The Bushmill’s diet for 3 straight days. True, if I’d been downing rye for three straight days, I’d might have a bit of difficulty with the public masturbation business, but the car vandalizing, and appearing to be “under the influence”? Yeah, totally.
I’ll ask again: Does no one else here think this at least smells a tad bit like a set up?
The anti-Kony video pissed off a lot of unsavory folks; the kind of folks who have access to hallucinatory drugs and wouldn’t bat an eye at kidnapping someone, drugging them, and dumping them off at a conveniently public intersection in a conveniently seedy part of town.
What’s with the weird rush to accept this bizarre story at face value? Because the video was cheesy?
This is a weird place…
yes indeed, what he said…
Oh great, now I’ll forevah link this incident to Richard Thompson. Curses! [shakes fist]
At lest Peewee was indoors.
pacific beach is where tons of drunken bad decisions are made daily–no excuse for his actions but is a fact. i have made many there myself and have some broken bones to show for it.
In case you missed the headlines, Breitbart’s still DEAD.
Friends and I once barhopped PB in a shopping cart.
So, yeah, that.
Ahem. Houses at the specific spot where he was picked up sell for slightly over $1.2 million. Condos start at about $500k. And those are the devalued prices after the crash.
So ‘seedy’? Not so much…
@trollhattan: i miss it so much. when i met my wife she was living there and i had a renaissance period amongst the drunken youngsters. also, too, mr. T. Bogg lives there. so it has that going for it. which is nice.
Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn
I agree that this sounds like a medical issue. And a manic spell can lead to substance abuse and hyper-sexualized behavior, so that can’t be discounted.
His family must be frightened and mortified right now, and so likely will he when he “comes too,” whatever that will entail.
I’m not filing this under “ha-ha funny” just yet.
Film at 11.
You might know TMZ had it.
…says the person offerring a conspiracy theory. I’m thinking someone watched a recent “24” marathon.
It was two wet-suits and one dildo. DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE FACTS?
(Link is to Funny or Die)
@Clime Acts: No, it does not “smell like a set-up”.
“Weird rush”? Police reports and eyewitness accounts describe the event. What’s the reason for skepticism here?
The events described are odd, but the reporting is pretty solid.
See, now that is a bizarre story: an obscure African warlord engaged in local terrorism would have allies on the other side of the world who would carry out a complicated, convoluted scheme to discredit someone by kidnapping them, drugging them with enough illegal drugs to alter their behavior, but not enough to immobilize him or kill him, and then dropping them off in a public place (without being seen to drop him off) and hoping that he would do something to draw police attention and get arrested. That’s an overly complicated plan where a lot could go wrong. Eyewitnesses could report him being dumped from the vehicle. Drugged up or not, he could have gotten someone to call for an ambulance. He could have just wandered into an alley and fallen asleep. If any of those things happened, this “plan” would be shot to heck. Why make an investment in a plan like that with such a high risk of failure?
If I were an Evil Overlord(tm) wanting to discredit this guy, I’d kidnap him, OD him on drugs in a cheap hotel, and put a dead hooker/child/child hooker in the room with some “gathered” semen, and then tip off police. Not much more work, almost zero chance of things going wrong, and the guy’s dead so he can’t defend himself in the court of public opinion.
No, it looks like a guy got drunk and masturbated in public. I don’t know how you would set someone up to do that. But if you wanted to set him up, I’d imagine you’d drug him and put him in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
Edit: I see RodeoBob beat me to it.
Where do you think this guy got the seed money for making Kony 2012?
Is it your belief that no one EVER, anywhere, conspires to do anything untoward to anyone or anything?
If it is…then fine, nothing to see here.
If it isn’t, then fine, this smells like a set up. Maybe it wasn’t…but geez, is there no one on this site who retains any smidgen of skepticism regarding pleasing stories that might just be a little TOO pleasing?
Never forget that Cole, the man who posted this story, was a Republican supporter of GWB and the Iraq war…it will take a lifetime to correct that level of credulity.
@GregB: “seed money”? the sperm donation center?
Well, and that would certainly be an alternate plan to consider. But that would be a CONSPIRACY and you have established that those JUST DO NOT HAPPEN, so that wouldn’t work either.
@Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn: Sounds manic to me. You can be manic *and* drunk. Even if he was still taking meds, you metabolize them faster when manic, so you need to take extra.
I seed what you did there.
Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn
What the *hell* do Cole’s past political proclivities have to do with the fact that your conspiracy theory sounds like a crock o’ brain poop?
Wait, I’ll answer that – nothing. At least not out here in the sane world.
Flag on the play! Hyperbole in the service of a false dichotomy, loss of down, 5 yards!
Occam’s razor: whichever explanation fits the evidence and requires the fewest unknown elements is likely the truth. Which explanation requires more unknown elements lacking evidence to support them: that this person had a breakdown due to mental issues and/or substance abuse, or that a minor African warlord was able to make use of a network of agents to drug this person in a complicated scheme with numerous opportunities for failure in the hope of discrediting him somehow?
Flag on the play! Ad Hominem, 15 yards, loss of down.
The emotional reaction to a story has no relevance to it’s truth or falsity.
Further, just because we’re amused doesn’t mean we assume the whole story. It’s certainly possible he was drugged against his will by outside agents, but it is highly improbable, and as a skeptic, you should know that claims require evidence, and extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence!
Flag on the play, Tu Quoque, loss of down, which means loss of possession on downs. First down, opposing team!
“Cole” didn’t post the story.The San Diego affiliate of NBC did, based on police reports from the SDPD.
Evidence says he did these things. Further evidence shows he was under stress. If new evidence comes to light, absolutely it’s worth revisiting the conclusions, but until there is evidence, Occam’s razor says the explanation that best fits the evidence with the fewest extra elements is probably right.
TL;DR – SKEPTICISM, UR DOIN IT WRONG!
(“truthiness”, you’re doing juuuust right!)
STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR NOW SIR!
“If you don’t accept my specific crackpot conspiracy scenario that I pulled completely from my rectum, you must then, by extension, deny that any group of people would ever work together, or have worked together, to accomplish mutually-shared goals that might conflict with a larger public interest.”
This sort of thing happens all the time in Pacific Beach, which is why no respectable thirty year old parties there.
@cathyxc: Jeez Louise, I was acknowledging the validity of your point in what I thought was a fairly obvious satirical manner. I was wrong, I apologize.
@TBogg: yea yea, we’ve all seen the Saltillo tile, the terra cotta roofs, Italian pull up leather and kennel full of sporting dogs. Am I jealous? Okay maybe a tad but I only covet the hound formerly known as the new puppy.
@JWL: And then I CAST THAT MUTHA!
AND???? The Drugster.
@TBogg: It’s crown point. It’s not seedy, but news that someone was drunk with their pants off in that area isn’t totally surprising. Probably wandered there from the Silver Fox.
The Moar You Know
@TBogg: Huh. Didn’t know you were a local.
@Clime Acts–if you really think that Cole is in on the conspiracy because he used to be a Republican, you’re not going to like reading about Russell’s (and Invisible Children’s) background.
My link got eated. Second try.
The Moar You Know
@Clime Acts: PB? Are you shitting me? “Seedy”?
Only if you think a neighborhood where the smallest homes start around a cool mil and go north from there is “seedy”.
Edit: PB and he’s one of the local Rock Church guys. One word for the cause: cocaine. I’d bet any amount of money on that.
Oh good lord, you idiots. I’m not on any side here, I don’t give a shit if this is true or not.
I’m just whining about the BJ Bot tendency here to buy ANY story automatically, if it is pleasing to the tribal narrative.
This story is a little TOO convenient for those who hate this anti Koby guy…maybe it will pan out, but it is suspicious nevertheless.
BTW, Obama has been going after KONY since last year and this Invisible Children thing was pretty much imploding as a lame vanity project well before this happened. Some of us who read world news have been well aware of Kony and his actions for a lot longer than the last two months. The guy has been active since the 90’s for crying out loud.
@The Moar You Know: Rock Church, yikes. I’d rather be caught masturbating in the street than attending Rock Church.
@The Moar You Know: He ‘s gonna update his bizness card to say: Internet activist, for profit philanthropist, mega church muckity muck, registered sex offender
Cole supports Democrats and Democratic causes with time and money. You make up conspiracy theories based on nothing but a feverish imagination. You should check yourself.
Gimme a F! Gimme a T! Gimme a W!!!
the fugitive uterus
i agree. i have experienced significant amounts of stress in my lifetime but i always managed to keep my pants on.
And you should probably fuck yourself.
@Clime Acts: The winning argument of a delusional crank.
Looks like David Mitchell was right.
@Clime Acts: No, it doesn’t look like a setup. Sure, you could kidnap the guy, dump a lot of benzos (easy, easy to get) into him, followed up with maybe a mixture of ecstasy and some hallucinogen or another. Throw some alcohol on board for kicks. But at the very least that would leave gaps in the story that Invisible Children would be emphasizing right now. They’re not doing that.
His resume actually reads “Internet Activist Responsible For Viral Youth Campaign, Not Allowed Within 1000 Feet of Schools.” You always have to muddy the water a little bit.
PB is where all the kids from San Diego State go to drink and puke on the weekends. San Diego is like a black hole that just sucks you in and the next thing you know 10 years have gone by. Poor bastard probably still thinks he’s 23.
Steve in DC
Every time I’ve seen people pull a buck naked freak out in the streets like that they’ve been on wet/sherm aka PCP. It’s cheap and very easy to get your hands on.
That looks exactly like someone on PCP.
@Steve in DC: PCP tends to end a little worse than what happened. He was arrested but didn’t get enough charges for me to think PCP. Usually you’re at least going to end up with some form of resisting arrest. I don’t doubt some form of hallucinogen though. Just probably not PCP. And I really doubt any sort of setup.
Do you think that someone who knew how to make the most pop viral vid to date and very aware of public image would do this consciously? He might have crumbled under stress but my bet is he was picked up, drugged and dumped to discredit. He may have been prostrating to his God but the incident is so fishy. NWO knew public weren’t taking to the plan so ditched the man, they got what they wanted, the military are down to go into Africa.