Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

You cannot shame the shameless.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

You are here: Home / Past Elections / Election 2012 / Those Weren’t Firecrackers You Heard

Those Weren’t Firecrackers You Heard

by | 87 Comments

This post is in: , ,

It was the entire staff of the Onion shooting themselves in despair:

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) will deliver an address on foreign policy Thursday afternoon at the headquarters of Jelly Belly Candy Company in Fairfield, Calif.

The choice of venue is an homage to Ronald Reagan, whose fondness for the candies was well known. Reagan, who famously kept a jar of the candies on his desk in the Oval Office, regularly received Jelly Belly shipments during his tenure as California governor and even sent the first jelly beans into space on the 1983 Challenger shuttle.

According to Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon, the 7 p.m. Eastern address will focus on “a Reaganesque foreign policy.”

How can the Onion possibly keep up with these clowns?

Reader Interactions

87Comments

  1. 1.

    The Dangerman

    He doesn’t give a shit about Reagan; the seconds from the factory (Jelly Belly Flops) are incredibly cheap.

  3. 3.

    Baud

    Next, Newt Gingrich will name a chimp as his running mate to honor Reagan’s role in Bedtime for Bonzo.

  5. 5.

    jibeaux

    Just dig the man up already and put him on the ticket, guys. I don’t see “living” as a qualification for President in the Constitution.
    Fine print: Zombie Reagan may support amnesty for illegal immigrants, reckless spending, and higher taxes on millionaires than bus drivers.

  7. 7.

    MobiusKlein

    In California, you get redder as you depart from the coast. Fairfield is pretty close to being a cowtown.

  8. 8.

    Polish the Guillotines

    Sadly, this is pretty close to where I live.

    Of course, to get there, you have to drive past the construction signs on the freeway reminding you that your tax dollars from ARRA are at work. Then, you have to pass the Budweiser plant where they just put 6 acres of solar panels and a giant windmill online to provide supplemental power.

    Just pointing out the irony that’ll be lost on that effing douche.

    ETA: as MobiusKlein points out, it does trend redder out their, although John Garamendi is our congressman — and he’s a pretty liberal Dem.

  12. 12.

    dr. bloor

    And if that sanctimonious assclown lucked into the nomination, he’d get a minimum of 40-45% of the popular vote.

    I used to watch House Hunters International for pleasure. At this point, it’s an exercise in data collection.

  13. 13.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    @dr. bloor:

    You and me both, although fortunately for me I have a fully furnished house to flee to in good old Blighty. A couple of plane tickets, crates for the critters, and I am home and dry in England with a bed to sleep in.

  18. 18.

    dmsilev

    Hang on. Do we know for sure that Santorum isn’t actually an actor working for The Onion? It would explain an awful lot.

  21. 21.

    dmsilev

    @jibeaux:

    Just dig the man up already and put him on the ticket, guys. I don’t see “living” as a qualification for President in the Constitution.

    You make a good point, though it must be noted that Zombie Reagan would of course seek BRAIINNNSSS, which means that the poor thing would starve to (re)-death in today’s GOP.

  22. 22.

    JWL

    Luckily for reporters forced to cover Santorum, there’s a Budweiser Distribution plant right around the corner from the Jelly Bean factory.

  24. 24.

    Mnemosyne

    Romney already hit the “Evil Empire” note the other day when he forgot that Russia =/= the Soviet Union, so it’s gotta be another of Reagan’s greatest hits. My pick on the Wingnut Bingo board is Hugo Chavez, the Daniel Ortega of the 21st century.

  25. 25.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    @Baud:

    You know as badass as the US claims to be, my tiny little Island has not been invaded since 1066, I kind of think that Santorum would get his ass kicked by folks with pitch forks and victory gardens.

  27. 27.

    jibeaux

    @dmsilev: You raise a good point, but I counter with an observation: do zombies actually REQUIRE brains to re-live, or do they simply crave them? As zombies, isn’t it very possible that they are freed from the constraints that the living have in order to continue to re-live? Possibly they could go to some sort of Marcus Bachmann style “pray away the brain crave” re-education program, or a Twilight-style system involving animal brains, and be integrated into society.

  28. 28.

    Warren Terra

    @LittlePig:

    Reaganesque foreign policy
    What, we’re going to sell missiles to Iran again?

    Well, bravely iconoclastic (if surreptitious) diplomatic openings to Iran would be preferable to selling chemical weapons to Iraq, underwriting death squads all over Central America, or calling Russia an Evil Empire – this last, something Willard Romney more or less did this week.

  30. 30.

    Martin

    Who else thinks he’s just worried someone might abort some of that jelly from some of those bellies?

  32. 32.

    dmsilev

    @jibeaux: That’s an interesting theory; I don’t know enough about the technical zombie literature to know whether that question has been addressed. Clearly, more research is required. I wonder whether NIH guidelines on human test subjects applies to zombies?

  36. 36.

    jibeaux

    @Martin: Props to Martin for showing Cole how easy a fix it was. Although when the pharmaceutical spam comes in, I expect it’ll be rerouted to your email. :)

  38. 38.

    Sloegin

    …Trying to remember if the Israelis had a kittenniption fit when Ronnie & Ollie and gang were found out on the whole Iranian missiles thing, and I don’t remember it even causing so much as a stir.

    Guess the Israelis love a good Republican rodgering as much as the Republican voting base.

  39. 39.

    KG

    @Warren Terra: see, here’s the problem, you are confusing Reagan with “Reagan”. See, Reagan would engage in diplomacy with the USSR, move to reduce nuclear arms, and pull troops out of a foreign country when attacked by terrorists. “Reagan” would dickslap anyone who disagreed with him.

  40. 40.

    Monkeyfister

    “a Reaganesque foreign policy.”

    I guess Central and South America should be put on notice?

  41. 41.

    SenyorDave

    About 7 years ago I was in Sacramento which is right near Fairfield, and II took a tour of the factory. My wife and I both enjoyed it a lot. Do I understand why a candidate for POTUS would give a foreign policy statement there? You got me, but don’t knock Jelly Bellies!

  43. 43.

    KG

    @dmsilev: is there a unified set of zombie rules? because with vampires, there seems to be a thousand different sets of rules. Same with weres.

  44. 44.

    Rafer Janders

    According to Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon, the 7 p.m. Eastern address will focus on “a Reaganesque foreign policy.”

    So, basically, sell weapons to Iran, fund terrorist groups, and pull our military forces out of the Middle East in a blind panic.

    Awesome, but I don’t know how well it’s going to go over with primary voters.

  46. 46.

    Chris

    @Litlebritdifrnt:

    Not to belittle your claim or your country, but for a First World nation to “have a democracy that works a little better than America’s,” is kind of like having a territory that’s bigger than Andorra.

    (Sad commentary on our democracy, I know).

  48. 48.

    debbie

    Someone needs to break into the room where Santorum will give his speech and rig a video loop of his 60 Minutes appearance where he refused to believe Reagan raised taxes.

  49. 49.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @opie jeanne: I’ve picked out a nice townhouse on a canal in Amsterdam; now, I just need to find a way to pay for it. It really is lovely though.

  50. 50.

    Corner Stone

    @KG: Maybe not, but there damn sure is for Hobos.
    And woe betide the man who sets them aside.

  52. 52.

    NotMax

    Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) will deliver an address on foreign policy

    That’s like Henry Kissinger giving an address on comedy writing.

    Does not compute.

  53. 53.

    kindness

    I like Jelly Bellys but usually only buy the Belly Flops (the rejects). I didn’t know the owner of the company was a raving neo-con. What a surprise. A rich selfish bastard. Eh, the jelly beans are still better than anyone elses.

    How they gonna sterilize that plant after it done got Sanitorum all over it?

    @Rafer Janders: So, basically, sell weapons to Iran, fund terrorist groups, and pull our military forces out of the Middle East in a blind panic.

    Wait, you didn’t mention the kill a couple hundred US Marines sleeping in their bombed out barracks. Gotta give Ronnie Raygun credit for that too.

  54. 54.

    David Koch

    Considering how they worship Reagan, maybe they should have a event in Ronnie’s beloved Hollywood.

  55. 55.

    opie jeanne

    @Omnes Omnibus: mr opie jeanne just left to buy a lottery ticket for that massive prize of half a billion, what’s it called? Super Lotto? MegaMillions? Something like that.

    I think that’s how we’ll pay for it.

  58. 58.

    Bruce S

    Reagan raised taxes 11 times. And he wanted to give up all of our nuclear arms in a deal with Gorbachev. Compromised with the Congressional Dems to raise social security taxes.

    Reagan was a fucking communist compared to the ideologically straitjacketed Santorum.

  59. 59.

    opie jeanne

    @kindness: I think it was the attention from Ronnie that led them down that path, but I was unaware that it went beyond Reagan.

    I’ve been on the tour and it used to be interesting and entertaining. Near the end they have a huge room with massive portraits of various people, all done in jellybellies. Of course they have one of Reagan, but I think they also had one of Clinton.

  62. 62.

    opie jeanne

    @kindness: Ok, maybe I was wrong about the Clinton portrait because all I can find at the site are Republican presidents like Ike and Bush the elder.

  63. 63.

    Boudica

    Interesting where everyone plans on moving to when Santorum wins. I’m going to France, or Quebec….or maybe Vermont will secede!
    (Ack! listen to me. And I got so upset by these Texans I live among and their Secede bumper stickers. I’m no better than they are!)

  64. 64.

    Schlemizel

    @Litlebritdifrnt:
    In my darker moments I assume that tiny island will again be the bastion against a fascist powers attempt to take over the world. Only this time it will be the US in the role of aggressor and WWIII will be the entire world against the US. Poor Canada will get the Anschluss treatment somewhere along the line & suffer for it.

  65. 65.

    Schlemizel

    @KG:
    I work with a bunch of zombie fixated guys & there are at lest a dozen different kinds of zombies. The have the types all named & any time they start arguing about some ridiculous minutia there is a 10 minute ground rules talk about which type they are talking about.

    I think like has been done to Vampires they are getting destroyed by their popularity & the need to explain away some feature. In small doses its good. Rices early explanations about vampire lives & culture made sense but it has gotten sill to have 3 dozen differnt types that are all differnt.

  66. 66.

    opie jeanne

    @Boudica: I said France looked good and it does on the show mentioned, but I won’t leave the US, at least while Dad is still alive. He’s 93, 94 in july, and I can’t live abroad while he’s still with us. I get to see him for a week or two every three months.

  70. 70.

    Chris

    @Schlemizel:

    In my darker moments I assume that tiny island will again be the bastion against a fascist powers attempt to take over the world. Only this time it will be the US in the role of aggressor and WWIII will be the entire world against the US. Poor Canada will get the Anschluss treatment somewhere along the line & suffer for it.

    Heh. If the U.S. becomes the fascist power, who’s going to stop us? The only countries that could be the counterweight right now are Russia and China, which is an incredibly depressing thought…

    Course, we’ll all have nukes this time around, so it’s probably a moot point anyway.

  71. 71.

    gogol's wife

    I’m trying but just can’t read comments here any more. I can sort of read the posts, but not comments. It’s just too painful. Yuck.

  72. 72.

    YellowJournalism

    Jelly Belly is the tool of bthe right? Dammi, don’t make me give up strawberry daquiri jelly beans!

  74. 74.

    danielx

    “a Reaganesque foreign policy.” Because it worked so well last time, you know – Iran-Contra, El Salvador, invasion of Grenada, all those Marines getting blown up in Beirut. Yes, yes, I know, fall of the Soviet Union, all that – the Soviet Union was rotting internally and collapsing of its own weight anyway, much as we’re doing now. Fuck me running, the last thing we need at this point is a Reaganesque foreign policy.

    But hey, it will be a great opportunity for Santoronola: “If you elect me I’ll prove that I have and am a bigger dick than Ronald Reagan!” And of course such a foreign policy requires that we purchase ever more expensive and elaborate weapon systems, extend presidential authority ever further…and on and on.

    Note to self: in the event of Republican victory this fall, see how long it takes for David Addington to show up in a policy-making role. Smart money says thirty days or less.

  75. 75.

    stoned stats

    The Onion has had to hire more staff as a result of the primary. Who said the Republicans don’t have a jobs plan?

  76. 76.

    hells littlest angel

    Reagan sent the first jelly beans into space.

    No matter how much liberal historians savage his memory, they won’t be able to take that away from him.

  77. 77.

    SiubhanDuinne

    socialism specialist

    (This is a test. It is only a test. If this had been an actual comment, there would have been substance and intelligence. Please do not adjust your browser.)

  78. 78.

    Jerzy Russian

    I still think they should run the Reaganosaurus, especially if ends up having atomic fire breath.

  83. 83.

    Bago

    @NotMax:

    KILLINGER
    Perhaps I can be of assistance. I am Dr. Henry Killinger. And this
    ((waving his murder bag))
    is my Resume.

    Kissinger comedy exists.

  84. 84.

    SRW1

    According to Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon, the 7 p.m. Eastern address will focus on “a Reaganesque foreign policy.

    He is going to tell Ahmedinajad that the bombing will start in five minutes?

  85. 85.

    Bob2

    85 comments and no one’s suggested a Santorum flavored jelly belly to commemorate this moment?

    I’m disappointed.

  86. 86.

    fred mecoy

    This is how we lost Tom Lehrer to retirement decades ago.
    We may never know how many geniuses the religious right drove out of creative entertainment in this century out of despair.

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks