Spotted on a service van:
There are so many possibilities here:
Delighting Customers for Christ
Downsizing the Devil with Jesus
Paradigm Shift to Salvation
Getting Granular in Gethsemane
Synergy, Not Sin
I feel certain I’m overlooking low-hanging fruit and that y’all will push the envelope with value-added propositions.
In other news, I’m starting to feel like Tippi Hedren: In addition to dealing with the chickens, now I have a pair of turtle doves to contend with. They took up residence in a hanging basket under the overhang of our tiki bar.
Here’s dad or mom (they are admirably egalitarian about gender roles and split egg-sitting duties) on the nest:
And here is their single egg, which I snapped a quick photo of during a shift-change:
They picked a really bad location for their nest since it’s a high-traffic area. They’re about three feet from my customary seat behind the bar, the other side of which is often populated by family and neighbors. A radio and/or television is on for hours every day. We use it as kind of a second living room and probably spend more time there than our actual living room.
My high-energy boxer dogs constantly run right under the nest and cavort all around it. Incredibly, they haven’t noticed the dove yet, but if they ever do, I’m afraid they’ll jump around and harass him or her. They are totally capable of jumping as high as the basket.
We can’t close off that part of the yard to them since we’re out there a lot and it wouldn’t be fair to the dogs, but I am worried about the doves, particularly when the chick hatches and gets noisy. It’s hard to imagine the dogs won’t notice that. Any advice?
Lastly, I’m making catfish beignets for dinner at Mr. Cracker’s especial request. I use this as my base recipe and generally make it more spicy. It’s a pain in the ass to make but really, really good. What are y’all up to this long weekend?
[X-posted at Rumproast]
Xecky Gilchrist
“Going upward, going forward”
aimai
Catfish beignets sound great. They make something like that at a local restaurant here and its fantastic. I’m thinking about grilling swordfish in grapeleaves, myself. Cut swordfish into chunks about an inch or an inch and a half, toss with olive oil and Ras Al Hanout or Pepper and salt, wrap in vine leaves (oil the vine leaves a tiny bit, and then grill. Serve with Harissa and couscous. I never grill steak but I’m thinking of doing that, too, I have some cool looking recipes.
On the religion front:
Sodomy with a Smile!
In God We Trust: But Verify
Nothing beats my SIL describing her son’s vacation bible school being all about “teamwork” you know, they read St. Paul!
aimai
MattF
Securing, managing and implementing significant and effective change processes to ensure the delivery of effective policies and plans to achieve demonstrable continuous improvement for Jesus.
Wag
If one owned a medical MJ shop in Colorado then “Glory to God in the highest” would be appropriate.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I avoid all businesses that place religion out in front as if that means that they are trustworthy. One, it makes me uncomfortable because I want to buy a product or part, not a sermon. Two, far too many times the seller ends up being a scammer or crook, especially if they’re Mormon. I’ve had so many bad business dealings with Mormons that I stay on top of any transactions with them.
Business is business, religion is religion. Quit mixing the two to try and make your business look better. You’re either a good businessman or a bad one, religion won’t improve a shitty business.
Villago Delenda Est
OK, your fundie streetwalkers definitely need to adopt that one.
CynDee
@MattF: You’ve got that right.
More; more. If you get in the mood, could you do one with “deploy” in it?
CynDee
Billboard: I don’t CARE about your IPO or your low head count. Are you being good? — JC
jeffreyw
Mrs J is baking pies today for a picnic at a neighbor’s place. A buttermilk pie with strawberries and blueberries and a blackberry cobbler. I have some grape tomatoes I will use in a salad with black olives, mozzarella pearls, chopped fresh basil and a red wine vinaigrette. I made a potato salad yesterday so it would be right for today. New red potatoes, sour cream/mayo dressing with dill, plenty of bacon and minced Vidalia onion and celery for the texture note.
Betty Cracker
@aimai: Never thought of using grape leaves that way, but it sounds fantastic!
Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
Let’s see if Jesus can improve my least favorite bit of buzzwordiness:
“Thinking outside the tomb.”
Srsly, why have your business sign basically proclaim “We’re the money-changers Jesus wants to throw out of the temple?” Use some of those profits to fed the hungry and heal the sick, and THAT will be the best advertisement you can make for your faith.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
I saw a (well worn) bumper sticker on a minivan yesterday that read “Vote the Bible.” Huh? I completely did not get it, other than to understand that said vehicle’s owner is someone I’m unlikely to manage to engage in a rational conversation.
In better news, during my work days in a redder than red Ohio county (Warren) I’m seeing at least one (unique view) Obama Biden bumper sticker per day. That’s pretty interesting, as I didn’t expect to see more than two all election season.
catclub
The Mouli company could have: “To the grater glory of God”
Elizabelle
And any day, those turtledoves could find a wine foil bald eagle sculpture in their nest.
Psych!
PS: tried my hand at foil sculpture, but my house wine doesn’t use real foil. (super cheap “Purple Moon” shiraz from Trader Joe’s, $3.99)
Betty Cracker. Actual foil seals.
Elitist!
Judas Escargot, Your Postmodern Neighbor
Leveraging Cross-Market Synergies for Christ.
Elizabelle
@aimai:
Love it.
maya
Our Christian business has a No Complaint Dept.
A few years ago, on the order of Odie Hugh Manatee above, a local TV station went to a Christian broadcasting network. One of its sponsors had an ad featuring a woman in her late-thirties, who, with gritted teeth, told the viewers we should do business with her “Christian Owned Telephone Co.” service. I thought, as opposed to what? A Muslim or pagan owned Telephone co.? Needless to say I didn’t switch
MattF
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Well, y’know, not the librul Bible:
http://conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_Project
Also, OT, but I can’t resist, not the librul E=mc², either:
http://www.conservapedia.com/E%3Dmc²
RossInDetroit
Doves will make a nest just any damn place, and don’t care if people are around.
I’ve seen one in a narrow corridor, balanced on top of a wall mounted pay phone. It was 2 feet from a busy door. Finally some kind soul taped a cardboard box around it for protection, but I doubt the doves noticed.
Regarding religious businesses, I’ll probably avoid God’s Plan Carpet Cleaning and Greater Glory Plumbers in favor of someone I don’t have to watch my foul mouth around.
Both Sides Do It
Resurrecting expectations of fine service
Overcoming the sins of high prices in Jesus’ name
Whether two or three are gathered in the name of first class service at competitive prices, we are there among them
Blessed are the holders of equity, for they shall own the Earth
Jager
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
A friend of mine who has been in business for years, says the only time he has ever been truly and monumentally screwed in a deal was when he bought a small manufacturing business in Salt lake City. He kept on the Mormon management and staff and they stole him blind, to the point of running two sets of books. I’ve heard stories like this for years, if you aren’t a cult member, you’re fair game.
Mike in NC
“What Would Jesus Buy?”
gogol's wife
I love your turtle dove pictures. Would the dogs really bother a little bird? I’ve never had a dog, so I don’t know.
frogspawn
I saw a guy with dark-blue TruckNutz on his pickup this morning.
Not sure what the message there was.
Professor
Scamming the world for the love of the Lord
We call it Religion
redshirt
He Died… to give you great savings!
donnah
Jesus Saves, and You Will, Too!
Mourning doves are notoriously dumb and have terrible nest building skills. I love them; they are sweet and pretty birds, but duh. A pair build a ramshackle contraption in one of our evergreens right next to the house, also a high traffic area where our driveway is, and the stupid thing fell apart in the first rain.
No advice, since they’ve already got an egg there. Usually when we see them bumbling about, we shoo them off before they get serious. I hope the dogs won’t bother them. The silly birds just can’t help themselves.
aimai
@Betty Cracker:
I started doing this on the cape a few years ago, where we had wild grape leaves. I pick the small ones and blanch them in salted boiling water, to soften them. When I’m home I use the ones you get in jars from the greek stores and just rinse them off before using them. Grape leaves are very good for you-my cousin who is recovering from breast cancer told me they were high in some natural substance that she was supposed to be consuming, like tamoxifen. they make a really nice contrast to the fish and keep it nice and moist.
aimai
Villago Delenda Est
The classic of course is:
Jesus Saves, Moses Invests at Promised Land S&L for a 2% per annum return!
Susan
My favorite bumper sticker:
YOUR BODY MAY BE A TEMPLE BUT MINE IS AN AMUSEMENT PARK
MattF
@CynDee: I’m sorry to say that the prose in that comment was mostly taken from an in-real-life hr document. Can’t make up that sort of thing.
MattF
@Susan: That’s from Seinfeld, if you didn’t know.
aimai
There used to be quite a popular one around here Jesus Saves but [Insert your Favorite Sports Figure’s Name Here] Scores!
For your local Bank:
Robbing Peter to Pay Paul: With Free Checking!
aimai
JenJen
@MattF: Perfection!! Jesus loves mission statements!
gnomedad
@Wag:
FTFY.
James Gary
“Free-Market Jesus Says: Forgiveness Is Inefficient.”
Marcellus Shale, Public Dick
the holy spirit is our brand manager.
god? lady, this is the engineering department.
maya
Following today’s sermon on, The Rapture and How to Attain It, turn to pages 665 and 667 in your hymnals:
Clear-cutting for Christ, clear-cutting for Christ,
It’s all so very nice
To be clear-cutting for Christ.
Logging for the Lord,
Gathering up His riches,
If you don’t like what we do
You’re just Godless sons-of-bitches.
Josie
Is it possible to move the basket slightly to a spot the dogs can’t or won’t bother? If you don’t move it very far, many times they will find it and resume sitting.
DaddyJ
ISO 9000 and Jesus Compliant!
Cacti
I remember driving by the van of a local plumbing business on my morning commute. Their slogan was something like…
“Serving Christ and The Valley since 1986.”
My first thought was “I had no idea Jesus needed a plumber”.
Stuck in the Funhouse
And Just Us be done.
And the saga of John Edwards and his pecker plods on.
eyelessgame
During the Depression, when getting loans was next to impossible, some Caltech undergrads hung a sign on one of the labs saying “Jesus Saves But Millikan Gets Credit”
Cacti
@Mike in NC:
That should be the official marketing slogan for Christmas.
MikeJ
@RossInDetroit: Never trust a plumber that doesn’t swear.
DaddyJ
Christ Died for Your Pain Points
jeffreyw
@MikeJ: You got that fuckin’ right, Pal.
Jennifer
Living here in JesusLand, the thinking person learns pretty quickly to steer a wide berth around anyone who advertises with the Jesus fish or otherwise makes any statement about their Christian faith in promoting their business. It’s a pretty good tip-off that it’s a stand-in for doing honest or competent business. It’s like I’ve always told people who vote based on a candidate’s “faith” – would you hire a plumber who doesn’t know how to fix anything because he’s a Christian, or would you hire a plumber based on the good work he does? The good plumber’s work speaks for itself. When the pipe in the ceiling leaks, the fact that the guy who put it in was a “Christian” isn’t going prevent hundreds or thousands of dollars’ worth of damage.
More often than not, these proclamations of being a “Christian business” are intended only to ensnare those who think “Christian” = “moral” and to prevent them from complaining when they get ripped off (because even though that guy ripped you off, he’s a “Christian” and it wouldn’t be right to pursue it).
gogol's wife
@MattF:
I knew it!
Elizabelle
OT, but just rescued a live chipmunk from the neighbor’s cat. That’s twice in two weeks.
Really like the neighbors, and the cat, but this cat is one amazing hunter. Olympics caliber. Lives to hunt, but kills for sport.
OK, it’s a cat, and good at it.
Am all for giving the clueless chipmunks and smaller animals a chance.
This cat is the Burmese Python of our street.
Mark B.
Crucifying the competition.
Mark B.
Crucifying the competition.
Mark B.
Stupid iPad.
Villago Delenda Est
@Mark B.:
This reminds me of Worf’s idea of ballfield banter:
“Death to the opposition!”
Peregrinus
It’s weird, because, per Thomas Aquinas, exceeding expectations at whatever you do is actually how you glorify Christ. It’s an old piece of Aristotelian philosophy about how one of the greatest virtues is to be skilled at one’s craft. Aquinas adapted it to a faith-based framework.
With that having been said, my favorite take on the subject of Christian professionalism has always been the ol’ “Jesus is Coming, Look Busy.” :D
grandpa john
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Well if we voted the new testament and elected politicians who had read it instead of lying to us about being born again Christians we would be better off. I am referring to the parts where Jesus Teaches that we are our brothers, that we are to follow the ten commandants, that we are responsible for caring for the sick, the poor, the children, the lame, anyone in need. You know the parts that don’t exist in Republican bibles.
Roy G.
“My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter, who likes the fact that he can fire me at any time.”
h/t Romneybot 1.0
Peregrinus
@Villago Delenda Est:
Best Worf quote ever. Though his female-attracting growl is up there, too.
Jennifer
@Peregrinus: I had managed to suppress this Tourettic outburst earlier, but your post pushed me over the edge:
“Jesus is coming. Will you swallow?”
I apologize to all of you.
Peregrinus
@Jennifer:
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can’t put that on a bumper sticker, given I teach at Catholic school and intend to start going to Mass again (no worries, I donate to SNAP instead of putting money in the plate) – but that’s the best fridge magnet I’ve never heard of. :D
John of Indiana
Well, I sure can’t add anything to the discussion of Crappy Christian Craftsmen. Used to be one of those “Christian Phone Books” around here, I called it “Your Guide to being ripped-off by shoddy Workmanship”
The ICTHYS, your assurance of Incompetence!
Steeplejack
No big plans. My brother and his partner slunk off to Rehoboth Beach for the weekend, so there will be no usual Sunday get-together. I just got my car back yesterday from a scheduled-maintenance appointment, so I have been thinking about driving someplace interesting and maybe doing a little hiking.
In the meantime, a late breakfast and one of the last soccer matches of the English season (Huddersfield Town-Sheffield United).
JerryN
@aimai:
As I recall, what may have been the original was a graffiti sequence on the rocks of a roadcut on the Mass Pike somewhere between Framingham and Worcester. Tag one was the at the time common “Jesus Saves”. Tag two below it: “and Esposito puts in the rebound!”.
Amir Khalid
@Jennifer:
That is so evil, it’s absolutely genius. I love it!
Cliff in NH
@gogol’s wife:
I knew a pit/boxer mix that would jump off the deck using the railing to get distance/height to the tree branch with birds on it several feet above and away from the deck ..
the only problem with this was that the deck was 14 feet off the ground.
once I trimmed the branch after finding a dead bird under the porch she never jumped off again.
Crazy Zoe.
RSA
Spotted on about fifty million TV commercials from Christian Mingle:
Finding God’s Match for You
A dating service with a direct line to the big Guy. Pretty impressive.
Birthmarker
Who Moved Jesus’s Cheese?
I agree with Peregrinous, that the original sentiment is secularly valid. In fact I basically tell my kids to apply that to their own jobs.
I live in the Deep South and I have had conversations with many people here about how we avoid business ownes who overtly express Christianity. It guarantees incompetence or malfeasance.
gaz
This is offensive to me in the extreme. I won’t patronize business that tries to draft Christ as a cheap sales gimmick.
As a Christian missionary, and fan of Jesus, I say fuck the damned pharisees.
No business will ever get a dime from me with this crap. Jesus is NOT mammon.
RossInDetroit
You’re all going to Hell. Give me a head count and I’ll save some seats.
Professor
Jesus Wasn’t a Christian
Suck On It
cckids
Well, on the religion/slogan front, the weirdest one I ever saw was on the back of a white mini-van on the highway. In Vegas, of course:
something along the lines of “XtianXXX.com The World’s #1 Christian Pron site”
The mind boggles.
Also, the number of other cars narrowly avoiding accidents as they noticed that slogan & tried to get a pic of it with their phone cameras was considerable.
Yutsano
My parents have doves, two male and two female. The way they tell their genders apart is the male has a faint ring around the neck, the female doesn’t. I can’t see well enough to tell for sure in the one you took the picture of. It usually takes close observation anyway.
StringonaStick
This is somewhat on topic: I was in northern Michigan last week and had a jacked-up, tricked out ‘Murikan pickup truck roar past us on the highway. The owner had gone to the trouble of buying enough address letters to spelling out (and nearly cover) the following on his rear window”
My truck just burned the gas your hybrid saved.
I guess “I’m a total asshole” was just to suscinct for him.
Peregrinus
@StringonaStick:
Yeah, I’ve seen that as “My SUV cancels out your Prius.” I’ve suggested before that “CLEAR THE ROAD, I’M A DOUCHEBAG” would be a better way of putting it.
Kathy in St. Louis
“Jesus is the way and the truth, and also my very best landscaper”.
Ronzoni Rigatoni
By Neddie Jingo, long gone and greatly lamented, posts a pic he took of a sign on a truck saying, “Hyman Restoration Service. General Contracting.” Not exactly a Christianist message, but hey,somebody’s gotta do it. C’mon back, Ol’ Neddie, and bring your brother along, too. These are the times that absolutely delight men’s souls!
AA+ Bonds
This looks to be referencing the parable of the talents and in and of itself there isn’t a lot wrong with the idea – but there is of course a HUGE problem with the business owner putting it on the side of the van as an advertisement
Nancy Irving
“Lean and Mean with Jesus of Nazareth.”
“Who Moved My Christ?”
“The One-Minute Savior.”
“Creating Value with Jehovah.”
“The Bible: The Only Grant-Writing Book You’ll Ever Need.”
“Jesus Christ on Leadership” (I think that one’s an actual book title, LOL.)
“Seven Habits of Highly-Effective Deities.”
…etc., etc.