Once upon a time, King Juan Carlos of Spain went on an expensive elephant-killing excursion in Africa. Shooting an elephant seems like a really dickish thing to do (unless, of course, the elephant is rampaging toward a flimsy shack containing your children).
Anyhoo, King Juan Carlos fell out of bed and hurt his hip on the trip, so that sucked for him. And when he got home, the public outcry was so great that he had to apologize for living out his expensive, macho-shithead Big Game Hunter fantasies on the dime of a country in the midst of a horrible economic crisis with 25%+ unemployment.
So the last goddamned thing on the entire goddamned planet King Juan Carlos of Spain wanted to hear about was goddamned elephants and his goddamned hip. Enter reptilian tea party ninny and Florida Governor Rick Scott, visiting the King on a trade mission:*
He wouldn’t shut up about the goddamned elephant! He even dragged his wife into the elephant conversation:
And then he brought up the king’s embarrassing hip thing:
And then back to the elephant — it was like he had some weird elephant-centric form of Tourettes:
Needless to say, King Juan Carlos was not amused:
He will probably skip out on Scott’s invitation to attend the 500th anniversary celebration of Spaniard Ponce de Leon’s discovery of Florida next year.
In fact, he’ll probably urge the government to eliminate the unemployment crisis in Spain by conscripting all able-bodied Spanish men into an army to retake Florida. And if the US has any sense, they’ll let Spain have it back.
The end.
*Dialog edited for clarity.
some guy
start at St. Augustine and work south.
The Dangerman
Only if they take South Carolina as part of the deal; think of it as a 2 for 1 discount.
Anoniminous
Maybe he is testing his rifle on elephants for the day he will be able to hunt down excess Spaniards, decreasing the unemployment rate?
Jerzy Russian
Thanks for the English translations. They were very helpful.
This is why we can’t have nice things. “This” being the current governor of Florida.
the Reverend boy
When the revolution or invasion comes, hopefully they will let the Florida Keys remain part of the US. We are very different than the rest of the state.
c u n d gulag
Wall, at least he didn’t say, “Hiya, King! Look, before we talk, I gotta poop out an elephant. Where’s the men’s throne room?”
We need a sign at all airports that politicians fly overseas out of, that’s kind of like the one for kids at at Amusement Parks:
‘You IQ must be at least this high to take this ride.’
And set it at something the Republican politicians might e reasonably be able to hit – like 40.
OY!
Hill Dweller
You have to be a pretty fucked up human being to shoot an elephant(or any animal) for sport.
Also, too, I see Voldemort is kicking legitimate voters off the voter rolls in his state.
trollhattan
Jesus (pronounced “hey zeus”) Betty, you need to add some kind of warning to these posts. I think I hurt myself just now–laugh injuries are no joke.
PeakVT
So everyone involved ending up looking like an asshole? We need Scott to perform an encore.
satanicpanic
What kind of an asshole wants to shoot elephants? Fucking dick
The Republic of Stupidity
Of course, it would certainly be fairer, not to mention far more interesting, if the elephant were also armed…
I shot an elephant once, in my pajamas…
How it got in my pajamas, I’ll never know…
Violet
So how popular is Rick Scott in Florida these days? Does he have an election coming up any time soon?
LosGatosCA
Two dicks walk into a Spanish throne room . . . .
I’m assuming no dicks were harmed in the making of this post.
Cheap Jim
Whaddaya want? He’s a Bourbon; they do that kind of thing. Besides, el Rey has a history of shooting things that he shouldn’t, like his brother.
greennotGreen
I would think any discussion of shooting would be in poor taste, even if it’s apparent that Juan Carlos didn’t learn his lesson after accidentally shooting and killing his brother 56 years ago. Just last month his grandson shot himself in the foot. Really, Rick Scott? You have to talk about shooting? Governor of the state where Trayvon Martin was murdered? What is it with some people and their guns?
Anya
Two horrible people together with.… One kills animals for sport, the other is an anti-democracy crook.
OT – can someone give John Fugelsang a show? I wish CNN would wise up and give him a show. I am sure he will get more numbers than that British trash.
WereBear
@Anya: I concur. Love John Fugelsang.
piratedan
OT but I liked this
someecards.com/memorial-day-cards/i-can-think-of-no-better-way-to-honor
Svensker
The king, on his dickish “let them eat cake” trip to Africa, shot an elephant? Seriously? In this day and age?
I got one word for El King-o: French Revolution.
Lucidamente
“Hey, do you guys still have auto-da-fè’s? They were cool.”
Baud
The king should have responded with a joke about Medicare fraud.
Anya
@WereBear: I would definitely watch his show and I never watch teevee (if you don’t count online clips).
Anya
@WereBear: I would definitely watch his show and I never watch teevee (if you don’t count online clips).
ruemara
We certainly elect interesting people in this country.
gaz
This is what happens when you let governor gollum out of his florida cage. Floridians, (heh) Please take note. write it down, get a tattoo, sear it in to your motherfucking flesh.
Sawgrass Stan
I’m surprised Our Guv didn’t offer His Majesty some tips on balancing the budget by defrauding Spain’s health care system. Hell, it made HIM rich, and was obviously no bar to a political career in the Republican Party.
Fair Economist
Juan Carlos ended fascism in Spain, of his own free choice. He deserves almost unlimited slack for that. I’ll happily forgive him the occasional dead elephant.
Warren Terra
Yes, the state of Spain’s economy needs more coverage. Lots of fascinating things there; I’m particularly interested in their lack of an ability to discharge debts by bankruptcy. Yes, Fox News is a bunch of hacks and can be relied on to not cover the real stories.
All that said, once the important stuff has been done, there’s nothing wrong with also covering the Elephant Story. The King Of Spain Shooting Things story oscillates rapidly among “tragic”, “disgusting”, and “absolutely hilarious”, and is worth recounting. Either BBC Radio 4’s The News Quiz or John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman’s Bugle Podcast was absolutely epic on the subject (possibly both). Salient points include:
1) Anyone shooting an elephant that hasn’t gone on a rampage is automatically a dick.
2) Rather a lavish holiday given Spain’s economic plight.
3) King Carlos is the honorary head of the World Wildlife Fund in Spain.
4) King Carlos’s teenage grandson shot his own foot a month before – massively misusing a shotgun in the process (apparently walking with it loaded, closed, cocked, and aimed at his foot). Children his age can’t legally use a firearm in Spain.
5) The King himself killed his teenage brother in a shooting accident a half-century ago (though, obviously, this point is difficult even for grim comedy).
4tehlulz
It takes a certain amount of skill to be an even bigger asshole than a poacher. 10/10 Rick Scott.
JGabriel
@The Dangerman:
Plus Georgia, to keep the property contiguous, and Alabama because it’s … Alabama.
We’ll hold on to Mississippi, though, to avoid conflicts over the river’s water rights.
.
Downpuppy
I didn’t believe that bit about the elephant in a jeep, but yep, there’s a picture.
gnomedad
Shooting elephants pisses off liberals, so it’s awesome.
Steeplejack
In this day and age, how fucking clueless do you have to be to think that shooting an elephant is acceptable, much less cool? (Exception for stampeding over children noted.) This guy could retire the Upper Class Twit of the Year Lifetime Achievement Award.
Having to deal with Rick Scott is probably punishment inflicted by God.
Kittehs to the rescue
You forgot to mention that this trip also publicized his extra-marital affair with Corinna zu Sayn-Wittgenstein, who was actually the one who’d organized the trip: typicallyspanish.com/news/publish/article_34440.shtml
mai naem
I hope this asshole gets stomped by an elephant. Mofo. There is no and I mean absolutely no reason to shoot an elephant or any freaking of the big cats unless it is in self defense and I ain’t talking George Zimmerman kind of self defense. WTF is is this mofo asshole thinking. And for him to serve in any position in the WWF Are you fucking kidding me? I am going to write an email to WWF. Also too, the Jimmy John’s owner and Trump’s son did the same thing. Apparently its the thing to do. Fuck the fur coats/clothing, PETA needs to get on these assholes. And jeebus I didn’t even know about the brother. Wow, Just fucking wow!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle
Clueless jerks like Rick Scott are why Europeans see us as Jethro with a rope belt and missing teeth swilling a jug of moonshine.
Yutsano
@JGabriel: Can we at least keep Savannah? It could be an enclave like Kaliningrad or something.
Southern Beale
Well, seeing as how Rick Scott and his Tea Party minions are orchestrating the complete destruction of the Republican Party his fascination with dead elephants is perfectly understandable.
AxelFoley
Nah, they can take N FL and Central FL, but we keep S FL. Mostly Dem, and has Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, the Keys, plus Miami is my hometown.
Downpuppy
@AxelFoley: You’ll enjoy being part of Spain. Better health care system, European passport, and all the eggs, sherry, almonds, garlic & ham you ever wanted.
El Cruzado
Can’t say the Spanish was 100% correct, but the point got through.
billiecat
@The Dangerman: wait until July. I’ll be moved out by then
Mr Stagger Lee
@Yutsano: Or Gibraltar.
Lancelot Link
El Rey JC – “Por que no él calla?!”
brashieel
I tend to cut Juan Carlos a lot of slack for having a pivotal role in transitioning Spain back to democracy. That was a massively good thing, and he worked hard to do it. Also told off Chavez once, which was pretty funny.
Rick Scott, on the other hand, defrauded Medicare and is basically an elected right wing troll. Screw him.