Ever just feel like you are in a rut you can’t get out of? Everything professionally is fine, and despite the dad health scares, my family is fine, the piglets are joyful hot messes whom I love dearly, the garden is in, the yard looks good, I’m not too totally freaked out about the 2012 election (the choice is clear- If Americans choose Romney, then we deserve what we get and we deserve to get it hard), the weather has been just great the last couple of days at 75 degrees and blue skies and a nice breeze, but for some reason I just feel like I am in a rut. Every day feels like the next. I don’t want to get out of bed, but I do because THE PIGLETS DEMAND IT AND NOSES TO THE ARMPIT BECOME ROSIE SITTING ON MY HEAD (for real), but then I just want to go back to bed but can’t because once I am awake I can’t fall back asleep (they never told you that shit when you were a teen and trying to wake you up). The last time I felt this way I think I was 15 and hormonally imbalanced, but I just feel lethargic all the time. And no, my health is fine. Other than a “lose some weight you fat bastard,” I have a clean bill of health. And when I say my health is fine, I just mean I am not dying or diabetic or have cancer- I’m fat as hell and need to exercise more and what not. But I mean there is no big stuff.
But just the last couple of months I have felt all “blah.” Every time I look at the news, my eyes start to glaze over and I go into “SSDD” mode. It’s just an unrelenting mountain of bullshit. I’m no longer interested in MMORPG’s even though I log in and go through the motions with SWTOR every now and then. Maybe I am just depressed- I have a history of GAD that we have discussed, so maybe that is it. Who knows.
I turn 42 on the 22nd. Maybe I am going through my mid life crisis- which would be heart warming, because I have no expectation to make it to 84. In fact, I’m hoping for a massive heart attack somewhere around 68 so I don’t have to deal with any long term hospital stays or cancer treatments. But maybe this is where I’m supposed to have a teenage kid, a wife who is no longer sexually attracted to me, and go out and buy a convertible and get a job in a fast food joint before getting shot dead by a gay closeted retired Marine… I would like to look good naked.
Maybe my mid-life crisis doesn’t involve a corvette and a nasty divorce, but a couple months of the doldrums and a bunch of emo blogposts? I guess if that is the case, I’m coming out ahead.
shoutingattherain
When I feel like this I just stop reading your blog for a few days. Or if I feel really down I stay away for a few weeks. Works wonders.
dp
Dunno about you, but I’m becoming convinced that the very worst thing one can do for one’s mental health is staying up to speed on political news in this country. It’s just fucking depressing, but it’s also like watching a train wreck. I can’t look away, because I care about it, but it makes me miserable.
Matthew Reid Krell
Hey man, I know the feeling. Exercise really does help – it releases the “feel good” hormones. Just don’t push too hard too fast (say my shin splints).
And even though you don’t know me and I’m not part of the in crowd, I still really appreciate you getting up and doing this shit for us each day.
And I know this wasn’t a sympathy pitch, so I’m going to conclude by saying, “Why do you have be so whiny, Obot?”
BGinCHI
John, you need a city vacation. Or a love life.
I’d say both.
Get to NYC and start dating a model, or an artist, or an artist’s model.
Punchy
Match.com, buddy. Cost is reasonable, you can peruse in the comfort of home, and eventually you’ll find someone as fat-fingered and Sully-centric as yerself.
Aimai
Hold fast to your friends and the pets. Just realize fear and the doldrums come to us all. Start a new project. Fund raise for an orphanage. Be too busy for angst.
cat48
I don’t agree that I deserve Romney.
BGinCHI
@dp: I’ve started an “only music in the car” rule for a while as NPR was bumming the shit out of me. It’s just not worth it.
It’s been an anodyne.
dp
@BGinCHI: Good plan.
the Conster
Go away somewhere where you don’t know the language. It throws you out of your comfort zone, and you come home with new eyes and some interesting stories to tell. We can talk amongst ourselves while you go have an adventure.
shoutingattherain
@dp:
I have no idea why Billmon stopped writing but my guess would be he payed too much attention for too long and it got the best of him. I know that feeling all too well.
John O
Love you, John.
(But only as friends.)
LT
My advice: Oh that’s right I don’t have any. All I can say is Hurts, don’t it?
Sorry John. really. Walk and write. (Oh look, I did have advice!)
jharp
And I’ve got chipmunks digging up my tomato and pepper plants.
Fuckers. I’m going to set up a little sniper’s nest tomorrow.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@BGinCHI: I’ve cut way back on politics since Tuesday. What I read hear is enough to angry up the blood. I’ll let all the gloom and doom and hysteria calm itself, and with any luck Romney will say something so stupid even David Gregory has to chase the butterfly of “Romeny is doomed!”
Citizen_X
Yeah, well you can thank your President NObama that that’s not likely to happen now, because he ended DADT and there’s not going to be many closeted Marines around any more. So your narrative arc has kind of flatlined. Thanks a lot, Nobama.
trollhattan
I’ve never had a funk that a backpacking trip wouldn’t fix, but that’s something that took me a looong time to figure out.
Volunteering somewhere might be cathartic, or at least a nice way to put one’s own life in perspective.
OTOH, “chin up and get on with it” doesn’t really work for me. Maybe it’s the lack of British roots. If I followed my roots, I’d have to go invade Poland.
lacp
You’re feeling ‘blah?’ Not in the Santorum sense, is it? That would indeed be a very peculiar situation. More likely you’re depressed; at least, that’s what your description sounds like. Little CBT and you’ll be as good as new.
BerkeleyMom
I know you said you are in good health but have you had your thyroid checked? And I felt the same way years ago and then I started walking…a little, and then a lot. Worked wonders and I don’t even have dogs to get me out there!
Citizen_X
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
I hear fried foods are good for that.
Suffern ACE
Hmmm. Join a choir. Seems to work for some people. I hear in rural coded areas, wherever those are, you don’t even need to sing like an opera star.
Stuck in the Funhouse
I think like this more and more, as I close in on sixty. Hoping to Drop dead from a massive myocardial infartsion. Rather than have some abnormal invasion of abnormal cells killing me in slow motion.
Lots of heart disease in my family, and almost no cancer. I been running back and forth to the doc the past month trying to get my high BP under control, so I might get my wish sooner than later. I got to believe that blogging on politics, is not helping the situation, so at some point, that may need to go
DonkeyKong
You’re in West Virginia fer christ sakes, go canoeing with your buddies. Should be relaxing. I saw your pic, you look nothing like Ned Beatty. No worries.
Hill Dweller
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: Maddow is putting up the good fight against Romney’s lying; and ridiculing the rest of the media for not doing the same. She had on Noam Scheiber tonight, whose book Romney has been running around citing. He also basically called Romney a liar.
It’s pretty well established Willard is a lying fraud on the left. I’m hoping it goes more mainstream before November.
lacp
@Stuck in the Funhouse: Damn, what is this shit with sixty? I just turned sixty-one, GF is sixty-eight, and neither of us feels ready for the compost heap.
BTW, I hope you meant ‘infarction.’ That other thing sounds really, really unpleasant.
gaz
One of the few advantages of being trans (and having my particular genetic makeup) is hormones keep me young. I look maybe 25 but i’m well into my thirties.
One of the bad things about my particular genetic makeup is EDS 3, the fact that my father was dead at 53, and I’m near certain my mother will be dead by 60 – and lucky to hit 55.
I figure I’ve got about 20 years left before I’m either crippled to the point of no return, or I succumb to respiratory issues or a stroke and push up daisies. I’m hoping for the latter.
So I’m probably well past any mid life issues. I don’t fear death, but I fear being crippled. I’ve got a contingency plan in place in case of that ;)
Anyway John, if it makes you feel better you should really consider a Corvette, although I never understood them. Nothing says “old white guy” like a Corvette. I hear they are great for zipping around the nursing home parking lot. Still, you only live once, so no regrets, right? Or go with the emo blog posts, I guess. Whatever floats your boat, amirite?
cheers =)
maven
you need to take a trip dude.
Seriously.
Hill Dweller
If all else fails, do some shopping on the interwebs. I’ve spent the last couple of nights shopping for some luggage. It has been surprisingly soothing.
RossInDetroit
Hey John, if you want to look good naked maybe what you don’t need is to look different. Maybe what you need is someone who likes to look at you the way you are. Not to be all harsh and bossy but that starts with you liking yourself.
I’m shutting up now.
rammalamadingdong
It’s clear you are ready for changes in your life, and the way you are living no longer suits you. It’s safe, but not satisfying. Probably the first step is to conceptualize what you would like, and think about how to get there. Just allow yourself think about the possibility. An early death is not the best you can hope for.
gaz
@rammalamadingdong: “An early death is not the best you can hope for.”
Speak for yourself. Sometimes the alternative is far less pleasant. Just sayin’
joeyess
Ever thought you might be a tad depressed?
Clinically?
The Snarxist Formerly Known As Kryptik
@dp:
No lie, I’ve ended up devolving into episodes of literal sputtering rage in private, and near twitching fits in public whenever politics comes up. It doesn’t help that it feels like I’m totally surrounded an alien to everyone else around me now, as it feels like literally everyone these days is either full on winger or weak centrist ‘both sides are evil and wrong, so lets give the new guy a shot since Obama’s already a proven failure’ bullshit. And everything I try to do to drag things to the left ends up catapulting them further to the right and despising me even fucking more for my evil communismes.
I feel utterly helpless far as politics these days, and it just devolves further and further and further.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Life is pretty much a rut that, if you’re lucky, you can drag yourself out of on occasion, only to fall back into it later. What matters is if your ‘rut’ is something you are comfortable with. While my health leaves much to be desired, and our financial condition is ‘living on the edge’, I have an excellent relationship with my best friend, my wife, I have two beautiful, smart and healthy kids, a very happy home life and I do work that I enjoy.
As long as my wife and our kids are happy, I’m happy. That’s what is important in my life. Oh, and our kitties. I’m the caregiver for them and I want them happy and healthy too. I have my hobbies to keep me busy, same with my wife, and they overlap with our helping others who we know that need help.
How you ‘arrange’ your rut is what matters; if you don’t like it then you’re not going to be happy in it. If it’s nice and something you can live in but hop out of on occasion then you have a better chance of enjoying it.
Or at least not disliking it.
Somehow I escaped my mid-life crisis. That or it’s really slow coming on. Maybe it’s because I have a wife that looks like a model.
:)
Clime Acts
Counseling. Medication, if indicated. Exercise.
You have depression, most likely.
Dylan
Lose some weight, you fat bastard.
(Speaking from experience.)
You’ll feel better.
Steeplejack
@Cole:
Didn’t you use to walk the “rails to trails” with Lily? I seem to remember a lot of stories about her rolling in aromatic stuff. Getting out and walking in scenery can be more enjoyable and more motivating than just chugging around the block as “exercise.”
Oh, wait–isn’t that how you acquired Rosie? ’Nuff said.
plaindave
I’d say you should learn to play an instrument.
A guitar is within reach cost-wise and you can get quickly get yourself up to the level of self-entertainment.
I’d hate to be deprived of that daily pleasure. Nothing else matches it – not food, not sex, not even doggie love. Try it. You’ll see what I mean.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@jharp:
We did that once. Ever see what a .308 Winchester can do to a chipmunk?
It leaves nice little pelts behind, and not much else.
Emma Anne
@joeyess:
Yeah . . . . gotta say, not wanting to get up in the morning is a really bad sign.
mzrad
Hey, it’s your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy b-day coming up: live it up! Also, it only gets harder from here on to get rid of your own spreading flesh (coming from someone who has sat for entirely too many hours in front of the computer on my most recent project). There’s no better happy drug (based on my small sample of natural drugs) than endorphins.
I’m rounding out my 42nd year with launching my website business/blog after building it for more than 2 years: gratifying. It’s been 3 years since the budget crisis ate my job as an English teacher at the local university. I’ve been on fire for months knowing this is going to work–me as my own boss, working on something I love and about which I feel passionate (promoting sustainable food, drink and living in California’s Central Coast).
You know, I have a blog where I’m pretty controlled about what I talk about. I’ve been so mad about some news events lately (e.g., the protections for children farmworkers rule getting mis-read as attacking family farms and withdrawn) that I could’t write anything right away because it would come off as furious. I tend to seethe. Is it possible that by writing about some of this stuff, you allow yourself to wallow in (justifiable) rage and occasional despair? You DO know that you do good work by creating this forum where like minded types (and others)? I appreciate you But, don’t wallow dude.
ruemara
1. Lose some weight.
2. Have some sex.
3. Don’t worry about death. Just do things for others when you feel that way.
cmorenc
@jharp:
Try having a neighbor’s cat who sometime in the wee hours of many nights, climbs the stairs each night up onto the deck at the back of your house and takes a humongous stinky shit right in the middle of it, sometimes just outside the back door. And you don’t know which of your neighbor’s cats is the problem one because they have fifteen pet cats living at their house, and twenty more former pet cats (now deceased) buried in a cat graveyard in their side yard (many with small granite headstones). Oh, and other than being insane cat people, they’re great neighbors. Nevertheless, I find myself scheming about making said perp-cat dead cat #21 if I can catch him up on my deck some night. This was especially so a couple of nights ago when I took one step out my back door and stepped with my bare foot directly into a stinking pile of catshit.
gaz
@plaindave: Definitely. My father taught me 12 bar blues on an old acoustic, but being a lefty, I switched to keyboard and piano. I have a craptastic upright piano (I forget the brand), and a wonderful Axiom Pro 61 k/b to keep me entertained.
Rock
Go on a trip with friends to someplace awesome and walk a lot while you are there.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@plaindave:
Musical instruments are a nice hobby. My wife is a violinist and I am a guitarist. We don’t jam together (different music styles, though she is learning some early Ozzy and Metallica!) but we both read and talk music, share equipment (she has an acoustic/electric violin) and love listening to each other play. I am an amateur luthier and I care for our instruments, so she’s happy to have me maintain her instruments too.
Hobbies are a good thing and making music is fun. You can get into what you’re playing and completely forget about everything else for a bit.
A mental vacation of sorts.
John Cole
Just walked into another room and caught Rosie eating the second earpiece off a $300 pair of Bose quietcomfort earphones. And when I say second earpiece, I mean the first was shredded before I walked into the room.
Fucking hell. I am off to bed.
gaz
@Odie Hugh Manatee: violin! yummy. I’ve always wanted to play that or the cello. I tried playing the violin once, and scared the cats. It’s probably too late for me to get any good at it, but oh how I love these instruments =)
Tripod
Rock away the blues….
gaz
@John Cole: reason #314 why I will never own a dog. Sorry John. What a bummer. =(
RossInDetroit
@gaz:
Not all dogs. I was afraid of destruction when we got my wife a puppy a decade ago. He chewed one slipper that nobody liked and nothing else. Uses a litter box and does tricks. Likes kids but is a little barky. My fears were unfounded. And there’s something wonderful about living with a creature that’s so devoted to fun all the time.
p.a.
can u push up the pending trip to Madison? u certainly help with fundraising for shelters; volunteer at one. Big Brother? new hobby. smoke some primo. women are nice, and may eventually provide tons of topics for your online kvetching. ; )
Odie Hugh Manatee
@John Cole:
Just remember, she adores you. And your stuff. My youngest cat loves to knock my coat off the back of the chair so he can curl up in it on the floor. The only thing he has done that was real bad was chewing up the rolled foam parts of the cones on a pair of my 15 inch woofers, destroying them. I had removed the grilles to keep the kitten from climbing them and he decided to chow down on the speakers instead.
I didn’t complain too much as it gave me an excuse to buy some nice Cerwin-Vegas to replace them, there’s no rolled foam to chew on.
@gaz:
I posted a link here once of a clip of my wife playing. I took it without her permission and at the end of it she turns and says “asshole” to me…lol! She can play violin, viola, cello and bass. She soloed at high school events and is a skilled player.
trollhattan
@John Cole:
Cripes. Reminds me of Fat Freddie’s can always pissing in his headphones. (Freak Brothers reference, for you young’ns)
LongHairedWeirdo
Well… are you already exercising?
Are you already kinda fit?
If so, then adding in some intense exercise might help. There are certain things your body only does if you really push it.
Now, obviously, you don’t do intense exercise every day – you’ll wear your body out. You do intense stuff 2-3 (max 4) times a week.
And “intense” is like, 80+% of your maximum heart rate – and you might not hold it there for a long time, but obviously, you’re not shooting for 10 seconds and then stopping either. What you *don’t* want is a nice, comfortable, 60-70% of max heart rate.
The reason you don’t want just the (relatively)easy exercise is that it’s the vigorous stuff that helps you with visceral fat. That’s the stuff that sits around the belly, but can’t be pinched. If you can pinch off a big roll of fat around your belly, that’s not visceral fat. But if you’ve got a big gut, but it’s not flabby, *that* is visceral fat. If you’re building up visceral fat, that might help account for the blahs – visceral fat is metabolically active – it seems to mess up your metabolism.
A low carb diet, coupled with vigorous exercise, can help remove the visceral fat, and it might make you feel better and more energetic. And, if you’re headed toward diabetes, this might cut it off at the pass.
The low energy doldrums affected me (and still do!) but I think they’re getting better with appropriate amounts of heavier exercise.
(“Appropriate” amounts? Yeah, go ahead and ask me how I know that intense exercise shouldn’t be done every day. Go ahead, embarrass me about how I was making myself feel like crap, and how it took me a couple-three months to figure it out!)
handy
Just stop reading your own blog John. Done.
JohnT
Sounds a bit like depression, as somebody noted earlier. Good to nip that one in the bud. I’d talk to your shrink, John.
And I’d also consider Dungeons & Dragons (or another tabletop) instead of trying to play MMO’s. I’m not kidding. You get to do the same sorts of gameplay, but you hang out & drink with people and just end up with characters in the strangest goddamn situations. I’ve found it to be reasonably therapeutic sometimes myself.
Mike in Queensland
BerkelyMom has a point – get your thyroid checked. could be at the source of mood, energy and weight gain. Rule out physical stuff before you get onto the ‘I must be crazy’ line of reasoning. Then work on your heart, your emotional life. Madame SuuKyi says, “if you are feeling helpless, help someone”. Pigs and dogs are always a good start. Good luck.
kamalokitty
Nothing wrong with a case of the blues. I cured it by not listening to NPR during drive time. I listen to rock instead. Its been almost three years, and I don’t miss it. Get outdoors and get more light. Vitamin D.
Burnspbesq
Dude, you live in some prime cycling territory. Get a bike, and ride it.
Stan
Dunno dude, it’s hard.
But you’ve created community here and that’s pretty much what it’s about. And if your community also does good, then… WIN! And, though this should be no news to anyone, your community is the shit.
So, yeah. It can be hard sometimes. That might just be the way some of are made. But you are way out ahead of the curve here and there are a lot of us out here who are damn appreciative of that.
Hang on there, OK?
S
suzanne
@lacp:
I understand that term to refer to infliction of pain on the make genitalia. Well, I suppose that *might* be John’s thing. I mean, the naked mopping was certainly a sign.
I might just try a mojito and a pedicure, personally.
Constance
Have you had your thyroid checked?
IrishGirl
John, whatever you do don’t use those stupid fucking dating sites, they will make you feel worse, not better. Believe me. I know from first hand experience. I would suggest, if you even want my paltry two cents, taking a vacation if you can. If you can’t try some short weekend trips to Pittsburgh or up to Lake Erie, that’s not too far…I used to drive there from Harrisburg. If driving trips are not your thing try some volunteer work. You need to get out of your head, out of yourself once in a while. I think you have signs of mild depression but you are smart to express it. It helps to keep you accountable to others for not letting yourself descend too far. I have been feeling the same way you are and have been debating whether to write about it on my blog too. But I have a big job interview and the last thing I need is for them to find more posts about my depression. You are pretty free for a 42 year old, dogs notwithstanding. You could be a 42 year old single mom who is overweight, ginger headed and hating her job with a burning passion. Use that freedom to explore and mix it up a little. So that was more than two cents worth. So, sue me!
russell
walk a couple of miles a day. take the dogs, it’ll be fun for everyone.
date the artist’s model. artist’s models are pretty hip people.
but all of that said, to a disturbing but sadly true degree, mid life is kind of rut-prone.
enjoy it, when the rut ends it will probably be because you’re beyond mid life and you’re seriously starting to fall apart.
think of it as ‘cruising altitude’. kick back and enjoy the ride.
Doug Woodard
Hi John,
I am writing this because I care.
I have read lots of blogs over the years, and you are among the best writers out there. Not only are you smart, funny as hell, and deeply insightful, but you also have a big heart – no, a huge heart. And you have a nose for the truth which I really appreciate.
It is no surprise that all of those qualities have exhausted in a short time your preoccupation with worldly things–politics and such. Most worldly things are a pale reflection of what is real, and you are beginning to see through the reflection and into the emptiness at the center. Seeing things this accurately, which happens rarely enough, can leave one feeling deficient and without meaning or purpose. In some cases it may lead to depression, but that is not your case. You are nothing more than the victim of clear seeing.
A.H. Almmas, the founder of the Diamond Approach to spiritual realization, has written: “when the heart, the feeling center of the human soul, is touched by realness, when it feels reality, it responds with love, with appreciation, with liking and enjoyment. Now we can see that it also responds by recognizing that realness has value that is beyond the mind; it has an intrinsic worth that cannot be measured in worldly things.
“This value is beyond words and impacts us at a place that is beyond our worldly life. That is why many people who, after a life of strife and pain and difficulty, finally have a glimpse of True Nature and feel that this one moment of recognition is worth everything that has happened before that. For some reason, this knowing fills our heart with a fullness, a sweetness, a sense of recognition of the inherent value of existence.”
Realness can be found all around you, as you know, because you have experienced it at times with your family, with your pets, in your garden, and elsewhere. But it takes practice – spiritual practice – to maintain contact with this realness. And by spiritual practice I do not mean spiritual or religious beliefs. Adding more beliefs to the logical mind will not deepen our contact with what is real. That takes practice, and it takes the guidance of a teacher who has learned to live a real life and is able to teach others to do so.
There are many authentic spiritual practices and worthy teachers around us now. There are also plenty of kooks, nuts and “spiritual” leaders and followers of all stripes. Don’t let that deter you, though. “Seek and ye shall find” as the saying goes. Find the path that speaks to you, and the teacher, and stay with it. In time, the emptiness will lose its sense of deficiency and be replaced by an expanding sense of spaciousness, wholeness, joy and fulfillment.
Anne Laurie
You need a vacation, John. Leave the pets with friends, arrange for a neighbor to water the new raised beds (given the stories you’ve told, you’ve got plenty of chits to call in), and go SOMEWHERE ELSE for a week or two. Somewhere nobody knows you, nobody has any call on you, where you can do stuff / not do stuff as the mood strikes. Let some of the other 14 names in the “Contact” list step up & cover the blog, while you road-trip every independent bookstore in the state of West Virginia, or visit museums in Pittsburgh, or follow the Chowhound recommendations for good cheap eats in Austin, or go to Orlando, or just hang out at a nice hotel somewhere, alternating between the pool and the workout room. Don’t watch / listen to any news stuff, or read the other political blogs. (You can sneak in here and check to see how much everyone misses you, if you’re desperate to remind yourself why you needed to get away.)
Take some time to find out what parts of your Perfect Life Rut you miss — and which you don’t.
And look forward to the uninhibited joy with which Lily, at least, will greet your return!
Eliad
Cole, just to quibble over the details but you’ve got better odds for a massive heart attack in your 40s or 50s than in your late 60s. As you get older your heart develops collateral (backup) circulation. Doesn’t mean that the same heart attack that would have killed at 50 doesn’t cripple you at 68, but it is quite a bit less likely to kill you at 68.
Mister Papercut
BalloonJuiceCon. There, rut solved.
Primus365
Is the Dire Straits quote so obvious that nobody is referring to it? I didn’t think it was a particularly well-known song.
jazzgurl
1) Get a new hobby.Learn to play a musical instrument
2) Walk
3) Take your head out of the political msm bullshit that you feel you need to comment on daily. You don’t have to!
4) Take a vacation out of the U.S.A and experience another culture
4) Go take a class in Self-Development- you will learn to understand yourself better.
There, that should get you started!
Valdivia
I have to second the already many recced exercise. It does change your mood for the better.
And I would do a dating site but not Match. Maybe something like OKCupid or some funky thing. Also go away somewhere fun. :)
barbara
On the one hand I think that feeling in a rut is just part of being alive — and if something terrible happens (which I certainly hope it won’t) you’ll look back and think, god, what I wouldn’t give for an ordinary day.
But leaving that gloomy point aside, I think the best suggestion is to learn something — a language, a musical instrument. The great thing about this is that it turns the passage of time — which we often associate with loss — into gain. Every day adds a little bit more to what you know.
Schlemizel
Having lived under the gray drape of depression for most if not all of my life I agree with those above who think they also recognize the signs you provide.
Try exercise, it might help though it does nothing for me. I was bike commuting 16 miles every day & doing 50-100 miles on weekends didn’t lift the cloud.
Talk to a pro – your doctor or better yet a shrink. Sometimes talking about it helps & the drugs work wonders. A personal note I have found that the anti-depressants that work for me cause an odd sexual dysfunction but adding wellbutrin (forget the generic name) clears it up.
Learn to live with it. It took me a long time to come to grips with the sadness. Once I came to see it as not really me and not reality I have come to accept it and recognize it for what it is. Even while it is happening I know it is not really me but the disease and somehow I am at peace with that.
And for God’s sakes if the voices ever tell you its not worth it & you and the world would be better off separated RUN to the hospital and get help. Depression is a huge liar that sounds so reasonable inside your head.
The Ancient Randonneur
Jesus, Cole, want kind of cheese do you prefer with your whine?
RainyDay
All of the stuff that makes you feel good is the stuff you can control: Making a garden, hanging out with your pets, cooking good food for friends & family, etc.
I think you would benefit from having an ongoing ‘passion project’ in addition to the aforementioned passions.
A few days ago, you posted a fantasy about what you would do if you had Mitt’s money. You talked about animal rescue. You know how to write and how to research. Those are the key skills for obtaining grants and creating a foundation. You also know people in animal rescue, and you enjoy their company. And, of course, you have a megaphone and connections via your blog.
In other words, you already have in place the infrastructure and skills and business plan to make your animal rescue facility a reality.
Start slowly — like exercise. Just do 30 minutes a day of research, but do it at least 5 times a week (also like exercise). You will find that you will want to do more than 30 minutes a day because of the ‘high’ you get (like exercise). You also will not feel lethargic because you will have an ongoing purpose/passion, and you will be able to see results! That’s the biggie. The best way to emerge from a funk or routine is to do something you enjoy and see the results of your labor (why you enjoy gardening).
And if you are working on animal rescue, you will not only be collaborating with people whom you enjoy, you will be helping critters.
I recommend naming your foundation after Lily. You’ve already expressed fear over losing her. This would be a way to keep her alive forever. And looking at her face everyday would provide additional motivation to honor her in the best possible way.
I loved reading about your dream. I’m sure others did, too. And once your paperwork is in place, I will gladly send you a donation, as I’m sure many other readers will. Working on this dream will be soul-rejuvenating and will counteract the soul-sucking aspects of reading and writing about politicians, over whom you have no control and no feelings.
I wish you only the best.
Coco Laboy
@Primus365: Yeah I was wondering about that. I think John either has Brewer’s droop or Bette Davis knees
mai naem
Well, I am going to be a bit contrarian. Is there some reason that people should always feel happy and raring to go everyday? You’re in what you think is a rut for a couple of months. Maybe that’s just they way it’s supposed to be. You could be a lot lot worse off.
rlrr
Dire Straights – “Industrial Disease” (live)
Omnes Omnibus
@BGinCHI: I’ve been “only music in the car” for about four years now.
gogol's wife
All this advice about taking a vacation seems weird to me. I just took a vacation and it made me more depressed than ever. I hate losing control of my environment. As for being depressed by the political news, it’s the people who AREN’T depressed by it who are mentally unsound.
gogol's wife
@mai naem:
I always remember Osip Mandelstam’s words to his wife: “What makes you think you’re supposed to be happy?”
kc
@shoutingattherain:
And just look what’s happened to Somerby.
Just take yourself a nice vacation, Cole. The pets will live without you for a week or so.
Birthmarker
Find a new author to read voraciously.
Travel outside your own culture.
Politics in the US would depress anybody. We run the whole thing off propaganda.
gelfling545
Besides getting a thyroid check, get vitamin B12, iron & vitamin D levels checked. They can go off as one gets “older” & really make a difference.
Kelly
I have been reading your blog for a few years now. It seems like you have a very rich life – a close family, a great group of friends, fabulous pets and hobbies that give you a great deal of satisfaction. Embrace it!
rumpole
Plus one for exercise. Go pick some random event that you think you could never do (hundred mile bike ride, whatever) and sign up. Find a group and train for it. It will get you out of your rut and meet different folks, etc. Hell if you don’t like ’em, it’ll give you something to blog about…
Joy
I feel the same way. In Illinois, our legislature has decided that retirees need to pay for health insurance. Most retirees agree, we do, but the uncertainty of how much (some estimates are 50-60% of premium) is unnerving. But also, I mentioned last night to my husband, every political race now seems to be gladiator style. I am already overwhelmed. I got 3 messages in my inbox from the Obama campaign on how we lost for the first time. Debates are watched and scored like football games. It’s what one stupid surrogate said one day and the analysis of it for the following week. I know this is politics of distraction, but I’m sick of it already. I’m beginning to tune out, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be active. I’m not going to get sucked into the play by play like 2008.
AnnaN
Some mistakes people make with generalized anxiety disorder is treating only with meds and not doing simultaneous therapy with a psychologist. Anxiety, absent any physical nexxus, is caused by the thought process which is an incredibly negative self-talk. Psychotropic meds can interrupt the anxious thoughts, but it doesn’t stop them; on has to learn how to do that.
From someone who has been there and done that. If you aren’t currently seeing someone, give it a whirl. If you don’t mesh personality-wise with the therapist, change. If you ARE currently seeing someone, then all I can say is – it takes time. Godspeed.
Matt McIrvin
I was going to link to the story that was going around recently about how exercise doesn’t actually help depression.
But it turns out the study doesn’t really say that. It’s more like “taking people who are already being treated for depression, and then saying ‘by the way, get more exercise’, doesn’t help”. Bad science reporting strikes again.
Matt McIrvin
That email was terrible, wasn’t it? “We got beat.” Sure, they’re trying to scare some more money out of me, but what it sounds like is “give up”.
Karounie
Here’s a bit of a twist on the “lose weight/exercise” thing: do something to build up fitness at your body’s core. Lose a pound or two and build up muscle but concentrate on the gut area (for me this means situps and swimming.)
My middle aged body rewards me extravagantly with increased vigor, happier outlook and less joint pain for everything I do to better support my spine – even just standing up straight and sucking in my stomach.
I had a child at 45 which kinda put me in the typical situation of middle aged men gutwise (i.e put some pounds on my stomach that had never been there before) and boy oh boy did it give me a new lease on life to shed them (took 7 years.)
Reading Terry Pratchett perks me up too. There are like 30 books in the Discworld series.
Slamhole
If you can’t get a date
Masturbate
(regularly)
cfkdaddy
Not to get too personal, but you should get your testosterone levels checked. I was feeling shitty as you described, and it turns out my boys were not producing enough of the “T party fun juice.”
I tried getting biweekly shots for awhile, and that kinda worked, then I got a TestoPel injection of little T pellets which was fucking amazing. Gave me almost 6 months of more energy, better sex, and a much better feeling in general. I’m about to go back for round 2.
Check it out, it will change your life. And bonus of all bonuses, you and Sully will have something in common to talk about! :-)
Mnemosyne
I fourth the thyroid check — fatigue + difficulty losing weight + mild depression is often due to low thyroid. It’s more common in women, but it happens to men, too.
InternetDragons
Just a couple of points because I love ya and love this blog:
Speaking as a mental health provider type, it does seem like you could have slipped a tad over that line between a run-of-the-mill case of the blahs and depression. I won’t claim you need to go the meds/therapy route; that’s up to you and your health care provider, and I wouldn’t want to assume that over the interwebs.
What I do feel confident in saying even without having a professional relationship with you is that exercise helps. If you’re doing some, do more of it. Especially walking or biking.
Weight loss helps. Seriously. It changes your whole biochemistry/neurochemistry in profound ways.
And I meant to say this in your post about your shoulder pain, but couldn’t get to it before the post was ancient history…happily the same advice applies here. Check out acupuncture for your ‘blahs’, and while you are there, tell the acupuncturist about your shoulder pain. It can be a pretty miraculous experience.
I know because I have chronic shoulder pain from a really bad motorcycle wreck I was in when I was younger and even more stupid. Acupuncture is a great blessing to me, and it can also provide a real benefit for those blah feelings.
Good luck, John. You’re loved and appreciated :)
Neldob
I agree. Exercise, and in nature with a pet is even better. Start slow and easy. And then a nice dog-pile with a few attractive friends. Group hugs work pretty well if the dog-pile is not convenient.
Paul W.
John, just play Diablo 3… that’ll give you your video gaming fix for a least a few months and Blizzard has a great history of supporting their non-MMOs with content updates that keep them fresh.
It was a great $60 investment for me, and I haven’t even maxed out the level on my main character yet but I’m 30 hours deep.
Matt McIrvin
@Karounie: I can speak to the strange efficacy of the Pratchett. In 2000, I crashed my car immediately before going on my honeymoon. Then my wife and I both got some horrible debilitating virus while we were there, so it was like a guilt/illness two-fer for me. And I coped by reading all these Pratchett books that she had brought along.
The Discworld is this comically, grotesquely imperfect fantasy world in which highly flawed people manage to cope anyway, and I think that’s part of it.
Jebediah
I am going to comment before reading the whole thread – I have to feed my piglets and get moving – so sorry if this ends up being redundant:
I have been getting treatment for depression for years, and it had become very clear that exercise helps. Doesn’t make it all go away, but definitely helps. I used to race my bicycle, and during those years, when I would ride 100-150 miles a week, I felt pretty good. When work changed and I couldn’t ride as much, I didn’t feel as good. Recently I have been fucking miserable, with the black dog sitting on me pretty hard. I forced myself back onto my bike, just for little rides (15-25 miles) but it was enough to help.
Give it a try – once or twice a week, do an hour or so of exercise that leaves you physically a little bit wrecked – sustained elevated heart rate, muscular exertion, etc.
I usually recommend cycling because you can work the fuck out of your legs without hurting your knees like running can do. (If cycling does hurt your knees, either your bike is set up wrong or you are mashing a too-big gear. Both are easily fixable.)
Good luck!
Jebediah
@plaindave:
Second that. That has been doing me some good, too. You just have to fight through that initial phase where it feels like you will NEVER EVER get your fingers to properly form a chord. It doesn’t last very long at all and then the fun starts a positive cycle of improvement.
Mnemosyne
@Jebediah:
I hear tell that the ukulele is the way to go. G is still talking about getting himself one.
See also this cool young singer from Ireland singing “Hey Ya” with her ukulele.
Mnemosyne
@Jebediah:
There is some current evidence that the exercise that helps most for depression is specifically outdoor exercise — humans are not made to sit under artificial lights all the time. So, yes, getting back on the bike is probably the best thing you can do.
I’ve been riding my bike to work 2-3 days a week, but I’m only three miles from home, so it’s a stupidly easy commute.
asiangrrlMN
I am going to be contrary ‘coz that’s how I do. Exercise doesn’t help me at all. I mean, obviously, it’s good for me and shit, but the act of exercise has never helped with my depression. I find that not keeping up on politics helps as does talking to a good friend. Writing fiction is an outlet for me as well.
Bottom line, though, is that life is a grind. You snatch happiness, joy, and beauty when you can while accepting that all those things are fleeting.
I will say that tai chi has helped me tremendously, but it’s taken time. I’ve been doing it five years, and it’s only within the last year or so that I’ve seen/felt the results.
Other than that? I got nothing but sympathy/empathy, Cole. Hug your animals.
StringonaStick
It does sound like depression, but it may be more than just one thing. I second the prior mention of getting your Vitamin D level checked. Low Vitamin D levels are becoming either (1) more common, or (2) more commonly recognized, but I was barely functional when mine finally dipped into the “severely deficient” zone. Some of us lose the ability to absorb Vitamin D via the gut as we age; seems to start becoming an issue for people prone to this at right about your age.
The US RDA is 400iu, but the Canadian Cancer Association recommends 2,000iu a day; I have read that anyone can take 2,000iu a day and not be taking a risk. Vitamin D is fat soluble, meaning it accumulates in your body if your body isn’t using it up, so taking too much for you can cause problems. The only way to know is a blood test. Under my doc’s supervision, I take 5,000iu/day in the summer and 6,000iu in the winter – note that I am outside all the time, winter and summer, and I live in ever-sunny Colorado. The canard that it is ‘just lack of time in the sun’ is exactly that; a canard. I went from lethargic, sleepy all the time and feeling weak to back to fairly normal within 2 weeks; this stuff sneaks up on you so you don’t realize how crappy you were feeling until you suddenly feel better.
Depression is no joke either; that’s worth checking into. Without going into a bunch of personal details, just let me say that depression and low Vitamin D have a lot in common in terms of symptoms. Your age is also when I decided to see a psychiatrist about it since the occasional bottoms were becoming harder and harder to climb out of. A psychiatrist is someone who knows those meds inside and out; mine hit the right drug and dose on the first try.
Finally, before someone bangs on the “psych drugs are just plain wrong, and/or try this herb mix” drum, those folks can just plain bugger off. Depression is a dangerous soul-sucking disease; if I’d kept listening to those folks this disease would have made sure that I would have done myself in by now. Yes, it is hard to not be depressed if you are any kind of a thinking person in this world today, but having it so overwhelm you that you can’t function is more than just being a humane person; that’s when it is time to get help.
HyperIon
JC, I really get exactly what you’re talking about. I’m there as well.
Sorry to say, even if you find a way to “look good naked”, all the other things will still be bugging you.
At least that’s what I’ve found. YMMV.
jake the snake
“write a few emo blogposts”? So just SOP, then.
patrick
I vote for trying to screw yourself out of your doldrums…find some hottie half your age with an insatiable desire for older overweight men, and go to town….
as a plus, it might make it easier to get into shape (the hormones released at orgasm are a natural appetite supressant, and it’s a very aerobic workout)
stinger
I’ve always hated the bromide that “the bad times make us appreciate the good”. But maybe we are built to face challenges; hence the depressing sense that you are in a rut, even when it’s a good rut.
Now I’ll go read the thread — and surely someone else has already said this, and said it better. Which is why I usually just lurk.
LongHairedWeirdo
@InternetDragons:
I agree that exercise helps most people, most of the time. However, “do more of it” can be risky. People can overtrain and if they do, that creates symptoms that can mimic depression. This is an extra danger for 40+ year olds who might be remembering their glory days and expecting their bodies to build up as fast as they did in their teens, or 20s.
I also have a funny situation. You won’t find this if you search the internet, but, if I work out comfortably hard, I can feel horrible a couple hours later. This doesn’t seem to just be overtraining (though that might play a factor). But (as I mentioned in a response above) it took me a long time to realize that it was the exercise making me feel bad. Exercise is supposed to *help* mood.
I guess I should clarify that, right? When I say I “feel awful” I mean I just lose all physical and mental energy. I can still walk around, climb stairs, I can even jog, briefly – I just don’t want to, I’ll only do it if I “have” to. And I’m tired, and my mood goes to hell.
Docs tested the normal stuff, thyroid, blood sugar, anemia possibilities, but those usually cause a crash *during* exercise. I feel fine when I’m exercising (except my mood sometimes gets wonky), physically comfortable and no sense that I’m pushing my boundaries. But then, an hour or so later, I crash.
So, yeah, exercise is good, but be aware of the body and its limits, and if exercising at a certain level seems to be making things worse, think about that, and see if you can figure out what’s going on.
LiberalTarian
You’ll be fine.
The mobile website, however, should freakin’ die already. Terrible terrible.