I have no desire to think about, much less discuss, the Sandusky trial, but in the comments people have been discussing former Penn State player LaVar Arrington’s piece on it, and I found the piece sad and moving as well. Arrington reflects on the fact that he knew one of the victims pretty well when he was at Penn State, was aware the kid was mad, and chalked that up to the kid having been from a tough background (that’s why he ended up in Sandusky’s program in the first place) without thinking to ask the kid more about why he was mad all the time.
So it’s mind-blowing to realize that a kid I took an active interest in during my time at school was suffering right in front of me and I had no idea that the pain allegedly came from someone in my own football program.
20-20 hindsight brings so much more clarity. But at the time I thought we were his place of refuge from what he was going through at home or in school. As much as I saw and talked with him, I felt, in my own way, I was making a difference in his life.
I hate everything that has happened, and now I must admit I feel even worse, knowing what allegedly was happening so close to me, and that I was unaware.
As a parent, I pray I can come to some peace about this and prepare my family for living in a world like this. I will never just wonder why a child is mad. I will never just assume ever again. I will always ask, and let them know that it’s okay to tell the truth about why they are upset.
I’m struck sometimes by how often I read something like this from a regular person (I know Arrington’s a millionaire, but I doubt he gets invited to Sally Quinn’s dinner parties), where the person was around something bad that happened and feels bad for not preventing it (whether or not they really could have), and by how rarely I see something similar from a political, business, or media elite.
No one could have predicted, our best intelligence was, it was unforeseeable that…we hear this a lot from those who believe in the awesomeness of their own “just authority”, not so much from us peasants.
cathyx
And some more Sandusky news from State College.
trollhattan
Very conflicted about stories of the trial being broadcast on the radio while my 10 Y.O. is in the room. Just not prepared to have a conversation with her about the particulars, or even the generalities.
JPL
Arrington’s article was moving and hopefully victim 4 read it. Lavar should not blame himself because if the accusations are true, there is only one true monster and lots of enablers and it is not a Penn State footballer. When the news first broke Lavar wrote an article defending Penn State and Paterno so maybe he was atoning for that also.
JPL
Why are my comments appearing twice? Enquiring minds want to know..
Metrosexual Black AbeJ
@JPL:
I fixed this double post.
Mnemosyne
@trollhattan:
You may not be prepared for the conversation, but you really need to have it. Sometimes the “trusted” adults in a child’s life are not trustworthy, and your daughter needs to know that if an adult does something she’s not comfortable with, she needs to come to you. If it comes up on the radio, you don’t necessarily have to talk about it as being about S-E-X, but about an adult trying to get kids to keep secrets from their parents.
If you’re uncomfortable because you’re dad, your wife can have the conversation with her, but it’s vital that one of her parents does.
Tommy
Long story short. Late 1990s. I worked at an ad agency where we hired LaVar to attend the launch of this Internet company. Also some of the Redskin cheerleaders. We had it in the newly opened EPSN Zone in downtown DC.
We rented out the entire place for the client (it was my client) and paid a small fortune.
I won’t remotely say I “know” LaVar, but dealt with a lot of rich and famous people, and he is at the top of the list of those I’d like to have a beer with. Heck I had more than one :).
He had to only be there two hours. He stayed long, long past that. He didn’t have any strange “demands” he had to have. He didn’t arrive with a “pose” of people, by himself if I recall.
He signed anything anybody put in front of him. Talked with them like he cared.
I have often thought of this since this story broke, cause he was the first Penn State former player (and he is a legend at PSU) I can recall that from the very start threw Paterno under the bus.
I always felt like he was a “kind soul.” After reading this I think I was right.
Tommy
muddy
I was sexually abused when I was young. I didn’t realize it happened to other people and the perpetrators had me convinced that it was I that would be in trouble, I that people would be disgusted by if it came out. I wish I had been aware that it happened to others, it could have helped me. I think people should have a conversation with their kids about it, the child’s life you save may be your own.
Valdivia
I think self-awareness and introspection, which is required for this, is totally absent from the Village. Like what happens to the real people of this country is a play in which they only accept the role of detached snarky observers in the aftermath but must be the directors while the show goes on. They have given up on having agency while at the same time requiring that the world move around them and their concerns.
/I know, mixed those metaphors any more they would be a cocktail!
Reklam
If they felt bad about their actions, they’d have to change or feel guilty about it.
So better to never see reason for remorse or regret.
A functional prerequisite mindset for certain positions.
Mnemosyne
@JPL:
It reminds me of a recent “This American Life” story about psychopaths and part of it was that the whole staff did the official test with a psychologist. They spent a little time speculating about which one of them could be a psychopath, and then the psychologist came in and basically said, “If you’re worried that you could be a psychopath, you aren’t one.”
I think that, like any person of normal conscience and morals, Arrington is kicking himself because there were things he could have done but didn’t, because he didn’t know. In situations like that, the best you can do is apologize if possible and make sure to never make that same mistake again.
JPL
@muddy: Today I followed the trial on various twitter feeds and became aware how brave victim 1 is. He is the person who shut the door on further abuse without knowing of those before him. Unfortunately, Penn State didn’t take the opportunity to shut the door a decade plus before. You are a brave soul to talk about it now and you will always be a brave soul.
David Koch
This photo may give Dougie a heart attack: (NSFW)
Maude
@trollhattan:
Ten year old know more than you think. They talk and they hear things.
It’s not a bad thing to be prepared and to know how to repulse inappropriate behavior from an adult. It’s a safety issue.
smintheus
True, and important. I can’t think of a single financier, politician, or lobbyist who’s come forward and admitted that he helped to wreck the economy, for example. I can’t think of a single example where a Mitt Romney type has admitted to throwing people out of work when their jobs could have been saved.
And here I still harbor in the corner of mind a trace of guilt, from almost 40 years ago, for not being alert and on hand to help a young girl when a lunatic traveling from another state raped and killed her in the woods near my house. There wasn’t any way I should have known what was happening that afternoon, and yet the feeling of guilt never quite lets go.
The elite sociopaths who rule us…apparently no guilty consciences among the lot of them.
David Koch
I wonder if Sally Quinn has ever had a black person or latino to one of her soirées — other than “the help”.
danimal
Doug J @top:
Wonderful observation. Imagine a world in which the banksters showed humility and regret for the financial mess they created. How different would things be if there was just a little contrition from Wall Street? Instead, we get infuriating attitudes from our elites, which leads former moderates like myself to sharpen the pitchforks.
ETA: IOW, what smintheus said.
Mnemosyne
@muddy:
We had our own little support group form here after the news broke. :-) One of the commenters, Angela, doesn’t post very often, but she became a therapist as a result of what she went through and had some really helpful things to say.
muddy
@JPL: Thank you. I’m still so worried about the victim, I think #4 ?? (the one McQueary walked in on), he has never been identified. I wonder if he is even still alive.
I wonder if he is reading these reports, or if he killed himself, or died from drugs (my earlier substance abuse was really bad). Or for that matter, having been seen in the act by McQueary, did the kid even get home that night? Sandusky could have shut him up for good. No one knows anything about this kid, now an adult. It kills me thinking of him.
jharp
God was very very good to LaVar Arrington in the physical dept. Good grief. I can’t imagine being told “OK you block that guy”.
And this from a 100% heterosexual man I’d have to say he is one good looking dude.
feebog
Why does this remind me of the Mitt Romney story about cutting off his fellow students hair. All of the other particpants felt remorse, even these many years later, and event though they did not instigate the incident. Similarly, Aarington shows that same remorse. I am sure he is thinking, if I had only probed a little deeper; if I had only taken the time to really sit down with this kid and talk to him, maybe I could have stopped the abuse.
muddy
@Mnemosyne: Yes, I was here. I commented but was not able at that point to say, Me too. Or perhaps obliquely, I don’t remember.
My mother was the facilitator and I was not able to tell *anyone* until after she died, I was so afraid the family would take her side. She was an amazing sociopath, some say she couldn’t help it, but I found she could always act right if there was an audience. Everyone said what a wonderful woman she was. I was 35 before I realized that I was not the crazy one, and that mostly as a parent myself by then I saw it from the other side and saw how sick it was. I couldn’t imagine letting anything happen to my kid, I was fierce for him at all times.
I was recently triggered pretty severely by a doctor in the ER and have been waking up screaming. The Horace Mann story in the NYT sunday magazine and now this trial, it’s been a tough week.
I wish a virus had not hit my heart, I would really like a drink right now. ;-)
JPL
@muddy: I think you’re probably right but I hope the one McQueary saw went on with his life and is now successful. Hoping is easy for those of us who can’t imagine the pain. It does appear that Sandusky
boughthired the best defense lawyers in the state and they are at a loss about how to defend this. Take care.Mnemosyne
@muddy:
I was actually really lucky — my parents acted swiftly when they found out and the family member (who was an adolescent) was immediately put into therapy. No criminal charges, but that would have made it much, much worse for everyone because my mother had cancer and died less than a year later. It was bad enough and damaging enough as it was, so it’s horrifying to imagine how much worse it would have been if one of my parents had actually condoned or facilitated it.
Lojasmo
I was sexually abused when I was 18 months old. I was told a few years ago by my estranged mother. I confronted the alleged perpetrator, who, interestingly, has been my mother figure for many years. She admitted, and apologized for it.
Contrary to what clime acts would suggest, I probably would have welcomed some intervention at the time. Even if not..l I WAS NOT AT AN AGE TO GIVE CONSENT, AND IT WAS THEREFORE STATUTORY RAPE!
She and I are still very close.
shortstop
@JPL: @Tommy: I am confused. Arrington did defend Paterno at first or he didn’t?
muddy
@Lojasmo: Do you have any memory of it?
I’m not sure how many times it was for me, because I thought I remembered, but when my mother died I found her datebook and there were a lot more in there. I’ll never know if I blocked them out or if she just wrote extra ones in as she secreted her time bomb away, she was quite capable of it. I’m never sure if that should matter, but I just want to know.
Clime Acts
@trollhattan:
Please don’t let your hangups become hers.
Why are we as parents so often afraid of this kind of discussion? It has to be had at some point, and if the child has questions it is best by far that the answers come from you.
And so often kids are ready for discussions of sexual matters far earlier than their timid parents. All you have to do is let the kid know there are no questions you won’t be happy to answer for her.
American society is so fucked up about sex it is pathetic.
Mnemosyne
@muddy:
If you decide to go into therapy to find out, stay far far far away from anyone who wants to hypnotize you. There are still some therapists out there who have never heard of confabulation under hypnosis and don’t realize that the questions they ask you while you’re under hypnosis can cause you to create false memories. If a therapist mentions hypnosis to help you “access” those memories, run far away as fast as you can.
4tehlulz
Right on fucking cue.
geg6
LaVar Arrington and the many PSU alumni and students are why I’m still proud to be a Nittany Lion. I will never defend the administrators, including Paterno, and Sandusky for the crimes they committed, lives they ruined, and shame they’ve brought to a mostly fine community, both at PSU and in State College in general. I, personally, despise them and will never forgive them. But I see someone like Arrington or the students leaders who are helping us with freshman orientations and I remember that THEY are Penn State, not those criminals who were more concerned with their own money, prestige and asses than those horribly violated children, let alone the well-being of the community or the University. I shudder when I hear talk of naming Beaver Stadium Paterno Stadium. I hope this trials finally disabuses these denialist dimwits from further embarrassing us all and getting the football stadium at a great university named for a guy who did not see fit to protect helpless children.
Clime Acts
@4tehlulz:
HI! :D
Marcellus Shale, Public Dick
i think the arrington situation is a little like the comments upstream about how does one talk about this with their children.
its socially common and acceptable for parents to not want to talk about things with their kids. the awkward talk was a staple of the scripted family shows. if you think about the priorities in that situation, i think it sheds light on both how the elites approach life and how parents make a similar mistake.
what are you actually saying when you say you don’t want to talk about blow jobs, or rhythmic slapping sounds with your kids? its not protecting the kids from much, its about protecting your own ego and image, and the image you think you project. taking false comfort in the notion that not wanting to make someone else uncomfortable is justified. if you put responsibility first, then you don’t hesitate to explain it. you know you are saying it because your children need to hear it, or the world needs to hear it.
some will say they would run through a wall, eat shit, or go through two hells for their children. so, a little embarassment is bigger than those things?
as to the elites? are they leading, or are they following from on top? if their life’s work is maintaining status, then they are only going to play it safe and bunker in a crisis.
muddy
@Mnemosyne: I’ve been in therapy for some years now, and it has gotten a lot better. Mostly I am fine, absent some external trigger where I am powerless. I wouldn’t be into hypnotism for one reason because I would feel helpless.
For another, I was hypnotized for chronic pain once, and altho I could feel I was under, there was still an awareness of what he was saying in the back of my brain (I suppose I was back there guarding or something), and he was saying, “When I *think* I have pain, I will not feel so *anxious*.” I didn’t think I had pain, and I wasn’t anxious, I had a ruptured disc in my neck. Idiot. It was so stupid it woke me right up and I told him to fuck off with his anxiety crap.
Mnemosyne
@muddy:
Phew! Okay, it’s just that when people start to talk about trying to recover memories, the first notion is usually hypnotherapy, which has its uses, but is very, very bad at trying to reconstruct memories.
muddy
No, I just mainly want to know if it was her writing extra things down to flip me out. I’ve accepted that I’ll never know, but it niggles sometimes.
Lojasmo
@muddy:
Nope. Funny thing is we lived with my aunt for a decent length of time subsequent to the event. Mom only decided to mention it after we were estranged, and I was close to my aunt,
Mom was a nut.
eemom
@Mnemosyne:
wrt false memories, you probably are familiar with the “Sybil” story. I remember reading that book when it came out, at which time I was about 12, and it scared the crap out of me. To this day I am relieved to know that none of it was true.
Anyway, as I understand it that book is largely credited with having launched the “recovered memory” fad of psychotherapy that was responsible for the horrible day care provider witchhunts of the early 1980s — the specific case names elude me for the moment.
All of which is to say — and having nothing to do with Sandusky or the experience of any other abuse survivor here or elsewhere — there does need to be vigilance against false accusation, and the abuses of charlatans who exploit vulnerable people.
Clime Acts
Reading thru this thread reminds me that people who lash out hatefully and vociferously are very often suffering significant, unhealed emotional damage.
The more hateful and persistent, the more damaged.
I will try to keep this in mind and respond with more compassion here in the future.
muddy
@Lojasmo: Mine was too. I’m relieved she’s gone.
Clime Acts
@eemom:
Are you sure you’re allowed to say such a thing here?
muddy
@Clime Acts: You’re an asshole.
eemom
@Marcellus Shale, Public Dick:
Well, there IS a way to get the point across without putting it in those kinds of terms.
It can be done in very simple terms, which is particularly important for dealing with very young children — along the lines of, your private parts are private and it is NEVER okay for anyone to touch them, etc.
mclaren
Just more of the double standard in our caste-ridden society. One type of justice for the poor, another type of justice for the rich. What gets rewarded as success for the wealthy is brutally and savagely punished as failure for the poor.
When Jamie Dimon crashes and trashes Goldman Sachs and helps wreck the world economy, he gets lauded as a genius and a mastermind and showered with tens of millions of dollars per year as “compensation” for his “valuable work.” When Jose the busboy with a fake green card drops a bunch of dishes in the kitchen, his sub-minimum-wage pay gets cut farther and he gets threatened with a visit from the ICE by his employer. Standard stuff.
This has been going on for 50 years. After he nearly sank Ford by pushing that giant turd the Edsel through Ford Motor Corporation, Robert McNamara came to Washington and did for Viet Nam what he had done for Detroit. And then, after Vietnam collapsed into smoldering wrecking and chaos and defeat, he moved on to an even more elite and honored position as head of the World Bank…and, during the 1980s, wherever Robert McNamara waved his hand, economies wilted, third world countries defaulted, and austerity policies enforced by the IMF made things worse.
Mnemosyne
@Clime Acts:
Oh, Clime Acts. Never able to resist projecting your own faults onto other people, are you?
shortstop
I understand your wanting to believe that, but those criminals–who held immense power at the university–are Penn State, too, just as pedophile priests and the higher-ups who cover for them are the RCC every bit as much as innocent clergy and parishioners are. A culture of corruption within each institution’s powerholders made it possible for these crimes to continue (and to continue to be hidden) in both the university and the church.
shortstop
If Clime Acts selected even one out of 10 threads in which to decline to play devil’s advocate, he might convince the only half-paying-attention that he has a single core principle beyond a compulsive need to hamhandedly argue every point, no matter how ludicrous or venal his “position.” Sadly, his mental instability is such that he can’t show even that much self-restraint. And even that’s not the worst of it–he’s a BORING crazy guy, and there’s no excuse for that!
muddy
Where the hell is John? He ought to sweep Clime Acts off his nice little blog.
I bet he’s on his stealth mission to eat and drink in Wisconsin.
Metrosexual Black AbeJ
@muddy:
I agree. I’ve talked to John about this before and I’ll talk to him again.
muddy
@Metrosexual Black AbeJ: Thank you, I’m sure many will appreciate it, I certainly do!
Lojasmo
@Clime Acts:
Drink bleach.
I have a happy marriage of 17 years, a well-adjusted kid, several pets, a good job, and my own house.
You have a futon in a basement, a bag of Cheetos, and a goldfish.
Lojasmo
@muddy:
Fucker’s been banned at least four times.
Brachiator
I think this is, unfortunately, not a sustainable connection. Sexual predators do much to cover their actions, and sometimes they hide under a mask of respectability. Arrington missed seeing what might have been happening simply because he did not think a sexual crime was being committed, and had no particular reason to look further. How could he prevent something if he did not know what was happening? And what right or responsibility did he have to question the kid.
We do not ordinarily assume that atrocities are taking place under our noses, unless we are steeped in paranoia or psychosis. I vaguely recall Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents thinking that he might be hiding a porn stash in some boxes that he hovered over. There was nothing that suggested that he was hoarding human body parts. There was nothing to lead his parents to think of this as a possibility The neighbors of that German monster didn’t know that he held his own daughter as a sex slave. Or worse, they didn’t want to know.
And we don’t know, and may never know, the degree to which Sandusky’s wife may have aided and abetted her husband’s alleged crimes, and may have helped create a facade of normalcy. It would be very understandable that the average onlooker would see a respected member of the community trying to “save” a typically troubled youth. And keep in mind that the police were called in about one of the victims. It is still unclear why this investigation did not result in an arrest, and these guys are supposed to be professionals.
What has happened here resists facile conclusions, and doesn’t really support the political connection either.
Mnemosyne
@Lojasmo:
You’d think he would get the hint by now.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@Mnemosyne: Such things depend on what motivates the person. Clime Acts and Taco are doing what they do because they know it pisses people off. They get a rise out of it, and being banned and coming back to do a “NYAH NYAH you can’t get rid of me” is part of it. Notice that matoko_chan hasn’t re-appeared.
Kathy
@cathyx: You link isn’t working. Any chance you can give more info?
Regarding human decency, you can add the Vatican to group that lacks it.
Neldob
When someone broke something at work that belonged to someone else recently he said to the guy “I did something really awful” and he didn’t mince words or try to excuse himself. And I had so much respect for him for that. It was like he could know himself and evolve. I had never heard someone take responsibility so completely for a mistake.