Just finished listening to the Screaming Trees, a band I used to love a lot in the 90’s. They never really got a lot of attention, but I always thought they were a good, solid band. When I was living in Morgantown in the early 90’s after I got out of the Army and was doing take two at college (take one from 88-89 was a miserable failure- I majored in Dead shows, fraternity activities, sorority girls, and what I will delicately call “mild street pharmacology,” and I was stupid enough to think I could get through college this way but smart enough to drop out and join the army and get my shit together before they kicked me out), there was a great little record store called Backstreet Records. It was run by a guy named Eric Hansmann, and he is in New Paltz, NY now, and probably in heaven, because New Paltz is such an awesome, awesome place. When I was living in Millbrook, NY in my almost runaway days when I was 16-18 (another story; I was, how shall we say this… a difficult teen and sometimes needed to live away from the parents for brief stages, so I spent a few summers in NY living in a farmhouse with my good buddy and his hippy dad), we used to go to No Pulse all the time. At any rate, Eric was this great guy- sarcastic, with it, and totally on top of the scene, and I would basically just walk in every couple of days and ask him what I should be listening to. He turned me on to so much good music- Delbert McClinton, Elastica, Man or Astroman, White Zombie’s Super Sexy Swingin’ Sounds, the Screaming Trees, and too many others to mention.
Not sure why I am mentioning all this, and I know I am breaking all rules of blogging by doing so much self-reveal, but I’ve never been one to conform, so fuck it. I guess there has been just so much happening lately that makes me look back when things were so much easier and simpler. Earlier this year, Dr. Gocke, the father of three of my best friends ever, died unexpectedly from cancer. I lived with his oldest son as an undergrad, became almost the fifth son, and became best friends with sons #2 and #3. I lived with son #2 when I went through grad school and he went through dental school. Losing him was just a gut shot. I thought Dr. Gocke would live forever. He was that kind of guy- just vibrant, in shape, golfing 18 rounds and walking and carrying his own bag and riding his bike everywhere and then 8 months after a shitty diagnosis- dead. Then the recent scares with my dad. His heart attack a couple months back, then the recent pancreatitis, the kidney stone, etc. Then my sister’s father-in-law almost being killed in a motorcycle accident a couple weeks back and basically still in a vegetative state.
On top of it all, I turn 42 on Friday, and I’m just sort of in a middle aged funk. I don’t want a fancy car or anything, I have no wife to cheat on, and I’m not really into anything crazy, although if someone wants to come stake my tomato plants for me, that would be cool (mom asked- “What do you want for your birthday,” and I said “Have dad make cabbage rolls, which are my favorite!” She responded- “Really?” The soft bigotry of low birthday expectations, I guess. Although I think my father’s cabbage rolls are hands down my favorite absolute thing in the world to eat.).
I wouldn’t say I am depressed, because I really am not. But, at the same time, I would say I am maybe looking for something bigger. Maybe I thought it would be more than this. Maybe we all do. I love waking up every morning with Lily in between my armpit and right arm, Rosie snuggled up to my right thigh, and Tunch providing the musical purring accompaniment to the left of my head on the pillow I leave there specially for him. I just love it. But other times, I wonder- is this it? Is all that matters a few creature comforts, a family that loves you, pets that pretend to love you for the vittles (EXCEPT LILY WHO LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY). And I know how lucky I am to have all that going for me, but was I supposed to do more? Have I really done everything I could have or should have or was supposed to do?
And that is the kind of angst that leads me back to the Screaming Trees, or just zoning out and listening to Sticky Fingers again.
Welcome to my world.
The prophet Nostradumbass
WHEN WILL SOMEONE TROLL THE READERSHIP ABOUT JULIAN ASSANGE? We are waiting out here in user-land with bated breath.
The prophet Nostradumbass
I certainly remember that Screaming Trees song, and I liked that first Elastica album. From that period, that band I really liked was Belly, along with The Offspring, about whom I’m sure people can generate a whole lot of hatred.
MoeLarryAndJesus
Stop beating yourself up, chuckles. Hundreds/thousands of people check out your site every day and you do good shit here. The animal rescues alone are worth more than anything Willard has done in his entire predatory life.
What more do you need, really?
(Okay, so it sounds like you need to get laid more.)
Keith
“Sweet Oblivion” is a great, great album; I have roughly 500 albums, and that one is in my top 5 no question. Not a single bad track on it, IMO. I dind’t like “Dust” as much, though. If you like them, I’d also recommend Mark Lanegan Band’s “Bubblegum”…it’s definitely not Screaming Trees, but it’s still a great listen.
Anne Laurie
Well, statistically, you’re probably only at the mid-point of your life, John. And given all the incidents you’ve mentioned, I for one am grateful that you made it this far more-or-less intact of body and mind!
Citizen_X
Yes, Screaming Trees, very underrated band. Love that song, but I never saw the video before.
Also, don’t knock the small creature comforts and having a stable domestic situation. I wish I had that, and for that lack, I am definitely not living up to my potential. Maybe that’ll change soon.
ulee
You left out the part about wanting a girlfriend. I think that is what is making you unhappy.
moot23
Thanks for welcoming us to your world John. It’s not a bad one… even if awesome cabbage rolls is “all there is.”
Marcellus Shale, Public Dick
consider me a problem solver
Keith
Dammit, Cole, I got up at 2am to check an email, read this post, and now I am listening to 90s music via X degrees of separation. Went from thinking about Sweet Oblivion to listening to Bubblegum and onto Izzy Stradlin & the Ju Ju Hounds (a really good throwback album by a modern-day Keith Richards)
AT
Know one knows what will make someone else completely content. You will know when you find it though. Maybe you should turn this blog into your own personal dating service.
English teacher in old Europe
This post isn’t comforting as I just turned 38, have no pets or a girlfriend but am going to Paris for the weekend with a young Swiss woman I met on a flight a few weeks back so maybe that’s something.
Music: I loved a band in the early 90s called Treepeople, they were a pre-cursor to pearl jam and others from the NW music scene.
I’m leading a motivational seminar in two weeks in Berlin followed by a photo exhibition afterwards and the proceeds will go to charity. That all sounds good but unless 10 people sign up for the workshop I will lose money getting to Berlin and back. And you know what? Who cares? Life is short and it’s important to find enjoyment where you can. For me it is traveling, catching a buzz with friends, and feel lucky that at 38 I live like I’m 25 and I even still have most of my hair (for now).
I have 2 private lessons this morning: a professor of Islamic Studies where we often discuss afghan nationalism in the early 20th century and then an hour with some old retired people who can tell me about running out of their house as a little girl and laying in a field at the farm as allied bombers were doing their in the closest town. I have no money worries in that I don’t really have debt, except for my German social security debt of €7,000 but the good Germans are letting me pay it back 50€/month god bless them.
What to do with life? Is that all there is? Who the hell knows! All I know is some work today, then 5 classes I have to teach at the uni on Thursday and then will probably sing a snoop Dogg song at karaoke and up early for a weekend in Paris to see my new favorite singer: Selah Sue, an ungodly beautiful young Belgian woman who mixes so many styles I love. It’ll be my 5th time seeing her since october, that’s how good she is.
I love this blog, come to it everyday and tell my American media students to bookmark. I wish you posted more n the news. I like a lot of the other front-pagers but it is usually your posts that I’m looking for. You have helped me understand the situation better at times and made me laugh and get angry. So that’s something.
Or, as I saw on some graffiti near the train station in basel, Switzerland on my way to work Monday morning: “Life is a beach chair.” or something like that.
That was my first comment here in about 3 years, cheers from the black forest!
David Fud
You need a challenge. The only time I am not angsting this way is when I am way too busy to even ask the question and I am right in there in your age bracket. A two year old and a baby on the way would fix your wagon – no time for questions if you become a breeder.
ABL
Wanna start a crime syndicate with me? How are you at shimmying across floors with laser security? I’m thinking you in a leotard could be just what you need.
ABL
I turn 38 in a couple weeks. I’m ignoring it.
DougMN
Here you go: Peggy Lee
SiubhanDuinne
@English teacher in old Europe:
Glad you posted. Your work and life sound fascinating and I hope you’ll be a regular participant from now on.
Debbie(Aussie)
Sorry you are feeling low. If it helps, I for one, love the ‘personal’ you bring to your blog. Sometimes we just get melancholy.
My best wishes to your sister, hope her F-I-L makes a full recovery.
Elizabelle
Lot of free-floating anxiety out there for all of us.
Maybe a change is in the wind for you, John, and you’re restless while you wait to see what develops.
NeoOstrakon
WVU 87-91. I was a Delt. We probably crossed paths a few times. The Underground Railroad, Foxfire, Dr. Johns, Dungeon, Mario’s fishbowl, Gibbies, Crockett’s, Farm parties…good times.
Been a reader since you made the switch. You had me at Soros checks and virgins. Love this blog. It matters.
sfbay
You know, I’ve said some stuff with this name and another one here that will probably ruin my career (in whatever it is) someday when people google it, but anyway, I just want to say that this post makes me feel really luck to be a 21st-century blog-reading person. You sound like an incredibly interesting person Mr. Cole and I truly feel privileged to be able to read your inner thoughts and I think that you are brave for sharing them. Seriously.
+1 bowl
Valdivia
I love when you get personal too John. I think someone mentioned it last time you posted about feeling like this- having another human being to share your life with would make a huge difference. You need to date a bit John. And any girl would be lucky to have you. :D
moderateindy
Is this all there is? Probably. On the bright side the “this you speak of can be changed by you in many instances. Sometimes it takes work, sometimes it’s as easy as deciding to adopt a dog like Lily to entirely change a past version of this into a future version that seems much bigger. But remember one very important approach to the entire situation, Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of traveling.
Focus on the small stuff like cabbage rolls or the purring of cat so fat that I think he may have eaten Rosie (which is why it seems like we haven’t seen any pictures of her lately)and realize that; so what if this is all there is, cause your this sounds pretty awesome. And if you feel like you need to do something more or something bigger there are craploads of ways to try to remedy that.
And if it is a companion you are looking for my advice is quit being a chickens**t. Put yourself out there. Do you have any idea how many women are out there just dying for damn near anyone to ask them out? If you are afraid that you will look like an ass consider this, You are a blogger that use to be conservative and is now progressive, that already translates into tons of people thinking you are or were an ass, so you should be used to it by now.
rageahol
at the risk of getting personal…
i can empathize with a lot of the difficulties youve listed here, cole. except for the military service.
at any rate, i am <10 years younger than you, and just completed my first year of professional school. a month or so back i felt compelled to arrange to go down to what we used to call "juvie", the prison for young men, where i talked a little bit about myself and my background, because i imagine there are a lot of commonalities there. more importantly, i told them that whatever their situation, they had unique and valuable experiences, and were capable of making substantial contributions to society. i did this because even though i dont know that i would have listened to it, i wish someone had told me that when i was a 19 year old troublemaker, or a 20 year old thinking i was going to wind up in prison or dead by 30.
when people profess a lack of direction or motivation or boredom to me, i tend to suggest the same things to them, which are as follows:
read victor frankl's "man's search for meaning"
volunteer with an organization that works on issues that are deep and painful for you.
only the second one is important. i dont know what those issues are, but it seems like there are additional lessons you are attempting to work out of that past experience. and well, you may as well try and do that in a way that benefits someone other than yourself. maybe it’s just the way i’m wired, but having a lily or tunch is great, but introducing someone else to their lily or tunch is in some ways better. but that’s me.
after chatting with those young men, it occured to me that i might wind up in prison anyway, just not in the way i thought at first.
Santiago
Quite obvious. You need a girlfriend, John.
danielx
John –
Be glad you’ve got what you have; it’s more than a lot of people get*. Having people who love you and who you love in return close by is one of life’s few great blessings. You’ve made an impact on the world whether you realize it or not or like it or not, just by running this blog. It gives people a chance to vent, troll and occasionally come out with a genuine jewel of thought/insight. That ain’t a bad contribution to the world in general.
*Although it does make you wonder why so many great people ‘get by’ with so little and in some cases struggle for that, while so many miserable bastards get so much handed to them on a platter. One of those things that makes you think god ought to be sued for malpractice.
Schlemizel
@The prophet Nostradumbass:
easy there fish breath 8-{D (baited breath)
Cole – interesting as I had to live away from my family as a teen. I got myself through high school and for a bit there supported myself through street level pharm.
I have 18.5 years on you and that feeling you describe has never gone away completely. Some times its worse some times not so bad. If you can make peace with the thought that that is just the way it is the whole thing becomes easier to deal with. The real dark times are when you have to worry.
Patricia Kayden
Wow, a whole lot of free relationship advice from your readers!
Perhaps John needs a girl, or perhaps he needs to shake things up and do something different. New job? More travel? Volunteer for something?
42 is still young, so you have lots more to accomplish. Your blog is awesome.
Rosalita
Thanks for sharing John. I’m 47 now, my engagement fell apart earlier this year and basically I’m with you in the wondering. My good friends, the small things that give me peace and sleeping with my dear kitty Tess each night seem to be enough right now.
drunken hausfrau
@MoeLarryAndJesus: what he says. I am a non-stop lurker… I check your site probably 3 or 4 times a day… I live in London, am a middle aged mother, with two “failed” or “forgotten” careers, two kids, a husband, and a dog I love more than life itself. This blog is amazing — the writers, the commenters, the animals. You have no idea how many times I have shared posts with others… and they are always grateful that I have sent them. How many blogs can say that?
we are moving back to the US this summer… and I dread it… but, then I come here and feel better. You have provided a place, like an oasis, from the insanity that seems to be taking over. Like Willy Wonka says, “so shines a good deed in a weary world.”
Punchy
You lived with a friend’s hippie dad, smoked weed, got drunk, got laid, and ended up CONSERVATIVE? Waldo Tuckus Fuckinwhut?
Betty Cracker
I think the only thing that’s worth a damn in life are the connections we make along the way, whether it’s family, good friends, neighbors, colleagues, lost doggies. You have a gift for communicating and connecting with others, John, and that will see you through.
PS: Thanks for reminding me about the Screaming Trees.
c u n d gulag
john,
New Paltz in the 70’s was something to see and experience. A real laid-back hippie-college berg, with great music and book stores – AND bars, of course.
Woodstock without the assholes and hippie wannabe’s.
It was where we went to get some killer weed, and other illegal pharmaceuticals, then go have a few drinks, and listen to some band in a tiny bar. And then drive home 45 minutes.
It was a more laid-back time.
The town was also very close to Lake Minnewaska, a beautiful clear-water lake and state park – where you could hike, swim, canoe, and dive off the cliffs. There were two old hotels there, which were charming, and you were free to walk about them, and sit on their gigantic porches.
My mother sang in one.
And then there were the falls below the lake, where you could throw keg-parties, smoke doob’s, and skinny-dip. The water was so cold, even if you WANTED to make love to a woman, you had to get out to warm-up first.
It was a more laid-back place back then.
Try that now, and you’ll be in jail.
Now, while it’s still a NY State owned park, parts of it have been privatized – all of the good ones.
Back then, you could swim the whole lake, go to the falls, and peruse the old hotels (one of which burned, and the other torn-down, back in the late 70’s, early 80’s). There’s a charge for everything now, and there’s a tiny swimming area – it’s only a little larger than an above-ground pool or two. And ONLY hotel guests can swim in it.
In other words, they’ve ruined the lake.
“Privatization” – one of my least favorite words in the English language!
Man, but back then, those were some good times.
Thanks for taking me down memory lane, John.
Good times… Good times…
Josie
John – You perform some valuable services with this blog. I would feel so isolated politically without it. (I live in Texas, for Pete’s sake.) This community of thinking people who love pets, gardening and food is exactly the group of people I would associate with if I could find them locally. Your pet blegs are amazing, and the work you do to support your rescue facility is, also. I understand your desire for something more in your personal life, but there is no doubt that you make a difference in the wider world.
Linda Featheringill
42? John, you’re still a baby!
I’ll be 68 tomorrow, more than a bit surprised that I made it this far. I’ve been vaguely discontented for at least 50 years and probably won’t get over it until I’m gone. Kind of a bitch sometimes.
On the other hand, the dead are no longer malcontents.
Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us!
AliceBlue
@moot23:
Awesome cabbage rolls are not to be sneezed at. Not everyone gets them.
Linda Featheringill
@AliceBlue:
Cabbage rolls:
The fact that John’s dad is still around and able to cook goodies especially for John is also awesome.
What Have The Romans Ever Done for Us? (formerly MarkJ)
@Punchy: Never underestimate the conservative male’s capacity for hypocrisy. I had a friend in HS who did his share of drinking and drugs through college and is still a conservative. Obviously he’s not quite as intelligent as John.
I’m there with you John. It’s a function of your age, although in your case a little too much social isolation may be a problem. I turn 43 this year and have some of the same pangs – and I’m just about to get married, just bought a house, and have a reasonably successful career and a sufficient number of good friends. Something goes haywire in the male brain at this age. And for those of you who are 38 – well, you’re not quite old enough yet to feel the full brunt. Something to look forward to.
Maybe try volunteer work (a suggestion I haven’t seen above)? Not raising money or helping animals via the web, etc. but something that gets you out amongst other people – like Habitat for Humanity or something. In college I volunteered for a H for H week in WV and I’m sure there are still people there desperate for decent housing.
Anyway, if it’s any consolation I follow a few different blogs regularly and this one is #1 on my must read list. I even enjoy it when you get personal.
What Have The Romans Ever Done for Us? (formerly MarkJ)
To quote the great Paul Simon:
What is the point of this story?
What information pertains?
The thought that life could be better
Is woven indelibly into our heart and our brains.
from Train in the Distance.
Xenos
@English teacher in old Europe: Didn’t you use-to-be ‘englishlehrer’?
Either way, greetings from another expat in Lotharingia. Lëtzebuerg, in my case, but not far from the palitinate. We have a reasonably active Democrats Abroad club here that meets the second tuesday of each month. If it is not too far for you, do drop in.
tomvox1
@Keith:
Right on. In fact, I’d recommend pretty much anything from Lanegan’s post-Trees solo career, from the pure solo death blues stuff to the Queens of the Stone Age cameos to the Gutter Twins collaboration with Greg Dulli (of Afghan Whigs) to the more industrial Mark Lanegan Band stuff. He is musically adventurous and it’s worth following his ragged, haunting baritone down nearly any path, although pure hard rock types will probably recoil at his collaborations with Isobel Campbell of Belle & Sebastian(!).
Just saw him perform at Webster Hall in NYC to promote his band’s very hooky and synthed-up new album Blues Funeral (after seeing the Trees perform at Lolapalooza ’96 so you know how old I am!) and he is still awesome–2+ hours of kickass. Can’t seem to sell records worth a damn but nonetheless, one of the great Roch ‘n Roll voices of all time in my book and makes you realize how Wonder Bread the American Idol-era of front man is for the most part.
P.S. Trees just put out an album of unreleased material from right after Dust called Last Words. While the mix is kind of crappy, it has some killer tracks and I recommend it for completionists.
WereBear
You have already given much, John, but if you want to give more,and get more, you still can.
I can’t believe the amount of stuff I’ve gotten out of the way, which includes learning what I want to do, and how to do it.
It’s not nearly over yet!
OneWhoYawns
There is only Cruelty, Manipulation, Meaninglessness. Find your other and practice pure being.
freemark
John don’t feel bad. You seem to have almost everything except a human to share it all with.
My self I’m 44 and I was where you are a few years ago. But my career path collapsed and I sold my house. And my current living situation doesn’t allow me to get a new companion to replace my beloved labrador Sammy. She passed away at the ripe old oge 16.5 years. So I’m going back to school to finish my Physics degree.
This will be take 3. This first one because I also majored in Pharmocological and Women Studies and the last take went much better, who knew effort and studying could make such a difference? But was going part-time and had to quit due to financial reasons. Now I’m going back and have to wonder what chance a 46 year old will have to get a job when I finish.
But what ever you do Mr.Cole don’t quit this blog I like hearing about the furry Cole family. And I like the politics. Like you, I was a Republican, even though not quite as crazy :). Keep up the good work and the personal comments. I’ll be reading you later.
gogol's wife
@Josie:
This.
reflectionephemeral
@What Have The Romans Ever Done for Us? (formerly MarkJ): Reminds me of Jeffrey Lewis’ “Williamsburg Will Oldham Horror”:
Wish I had better advice than a funny song… I guess, control what you can (esp on what your brain is up to), build up those connections to people, volunteer & feel grateful… all easier said than done.
Thanks for the post. I’ll second sfbay: “I just want to say that this post makes me feel really luck to be a 21st-century blog-reading person.”
YellowJournalism
“(Okay, so it sounds like you need to get laid more.)”
So, what do we do, start a collection? Would that be an Act Blue icon?
John, you are a funny, intelligent crank who is loved by countless strangers, some close friends and relatives, and most importantly a set of furry children who are just as complicated and fascinating as human ones. (And would easily have human followers if one giant white fur all tried to take over the world someday.) Even without the pet charities, the awareness of civil and human rights issues, and the political fundraising, you do good here for many of us. I echo those who say to involve yourself on a new project or charity or travel a bit to occupy that restless mind and heart of yours.
mzrad
You sound like you need to get involved with teaching/working with youth. Big brother a foster kid (and don’t blog about details on the kid) and get in Tunch with the effect on your spirit and mind.
Dana
Geez, dude, I would love to have your life! Hell, I would love to have your music collection…
Maude
You’re not a kid anymore.
uncle ruckus
Maybe you need to be reminded of all the folks who read you religiously every day. You never know who’s enjoying the hell out of your writing (perhaps this active duty military officer), trying to muzzle the laughter in a roomful of hardcore right wingers. :-)
redshirt
Girlfriend does seem like the obvious missing ingredient.
So, Cole – why no girlfriend?
Juicetariat? Please update me if you know why John is so relentlessly single. Need this info for my psych profile.
handsmile
First of all, I hope these late-night disclosures, which seem to have become more frequent over the past six months, are cathartic for you. If you choose to read through the comments, you’ll learn how much respect and affection many people have for you and for what you’ve created by this blog. At the same time, you do clearly recognize that your current life, whatever its discontents, is replete with opportunities, advantages, and meaningful human and animal relationships.
Yet frankly these posts make me feel somewhat awkward and uncertain. The anguish is palpable and provokes my empathy, but advice from me, a stranger to you and your actual lived experience, could seem meddlesome even patronizing. With that caveat, then…
Intimate personal relationship are essential to emotional well-being but are often painfully difficult to establish and maintain. I believe you are disaffected with psychotherapy, but that is an avenue you might wish to reconsider. West Virginia is not the Upper West Side, but nor is it the Western Sahara in this regard. You are sufficiently self-aware to determine whether you are temperamentally suited to pursue volunteering efforts.
I’m 54 until next month. Like every other reader here, I’ve known crushing loss and defeat, soaring joy, tarnished success, bearable compromise, unexpected pathways. I’m not the famous sculptor I once hoped to be. I won’t own four houses in different parts of the world. I’ll never have children. But I am still here, unlike my beloved younger brother. Through all this, I’ve cobbled together a reasonably satisfactory life. An inspiring spouse, loyal friends, warm family relationships, and passion for my work and interests seems a remarkable success. (Also, my DSM diagnosis as “dysthymic” some years ago proved oddly comforting, even liberating.)
I hope this does not repel you as effete, but these words by Samuel Beckett offer me at least a sustaining credo: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Good luck and best wishes, John Cole. You do seem to be getting there…much like the rest of us.
greennotGreen
In one week when I was forty I was told I needed bifocals, needed a skin tumor removed from my face, and a breast biopsy. I was divorced, living alone, and most of my friends were 15 years or more younger. There was certainly a “This is it?” period. But I survived all that, and now, at 61, I’ve probably never been happier. I don’t have a partner, don’t date, don’t care to. Another person cannot make you happy if you can’t find joy in yourself.
Thanks for the blog, John. It’s the first thing I read every day.
terraformer
I hear you, John.
A few months behind you in age, but after my own grad school (and subsequent brief experience in non-tenure-track academia and belated realization I was under the thumb of a misanthropic, closet homosexual anti-homosexual racist vindictive bag-o-nuts), and after finding a wonderful wife (early e-harmony user – try it! Be open, honest as you can stand, and you might be surprised), getting a good job, having two dogs and two cats (the latter two who left us in the past few years), and now, having a wonderful baby boy, I sit in my cubicle and wonder if this is indeed what it’s all about.
And I’m coming to the realization that my idealism is waning, but not put out completely; that my historical laid-back attitude and demeanor have given way to simmering anger that is directly related to the direction of this country and feeling helpless to do anything abou tit; that yes, family and friends really are what it’s all about. I view a job as nothing other than a means with which to acquire funds to pay the bills, and to travel, see places, and do things with friends and family. And I’d add to strive to be the best father I can be, and to raise a son with humility, intelligence, and a worldview that definitely extends beyond the county (and country) line. And in the meantime, to stop and smell the roses, and admire the beauty that can be found in this world.
Ruckus
Maybe I thought it would be more than this. Maybe we all do
Those of us with functioning brain cells do. Religion wouldn’t work with out us thinking there would/should be more. Accepting there isn’t takes a leap. Not of faith but reality. Figuring out your life is pretty good(or not!) as it is, that’s maturing.
maya
You know who else likes cabbage rolls? The Shmenges!
Now all you need to do is boff all three of the Lemon Twins.
Mary Brown
You are loved John, by a whole lot of us lurkers who read your blog several times each day. No answers here for the angst, but I wish you a Happy Birthday. Peace to all of us.
Chrisd
The problem with this statement is that it could be generated just as easily and legitimately by anyone, anywhere, doing anything.
Once you can appreciate thoughts as the fluffy little nothings they are, life becomes a lot more real. And a lot easier.
Gus
Classic midlife crisis. I’m five years older than you. It doesn’t get better in my experience. Death takes on a reality it didn’t have when I was 30 as my body starts betraying me, and people I love start dying. Regrets for missed opportunities, people I hurt, etc., seem more painful as I get more reflective. I also have a great life, loving wife, beautiful one year old son, great dog, pretty okay job that pays me just enough, but worries are there and more real in a way that they aren’t when younger.
redkitten
Exactly this. You’ve impacted peoples’ lives for the better. You’ve certainly improved the lives of your three furry friends. I think that the goal of life is to leave things better than when you found them, even if it’s just in small ways. And you’re doing that. Maybe you just need to find larger ways of improving things.
But I hear you. It’s too easy to get caught up in the rut of everyday life and ask if this is all there is to it.
Go spend some time with your namesake — it’ll help.
c u n d gulag
@maya:
ROTFLMAO!
c u n d gulag
@maya:
Oh, “And now for the traditional exchanging of the Christmas socks.
Why do we do it?
‘Cause it’s fahn for dee cheeldren!”
HW3
Eric Hansmann was a cultural diamond mine in Morgantown in the ’90s. The Backstreet used CD bin is the source of a good percentage of my CD (dying media) collection.
Ahh.. good times.
Cassidy
YOu want to do more? Run for office, dick. WV needs a homegrown liberal.
Deb T
“And I know how lucky I am to have all that going for me, but was I supposed to do more? Have I really done everything I could have or should have or was supposed to do?”
Yep, that’s the middle age conundrum. What would you like to do? What do you think would make a difference? I’m 61 and I’m still pondering that subject.
Except I don’t have this fine blog to put into my plus column. John, you’ve done a wonderful thing creating and sustaining this blog — even blog family. It’s a community that I truly feel a member of. Lots of folks to relate to and great conversations. It means a lot to me and to a lot of folks who participate here. That isn’t even considering all you do help dogs, cats which I happen to think is important to nurture our humanity.
Maybe it isn’t enough for you and that’s probably good. You keep seeking and discovering and doing. That’s life.
Deb T
@Josie:
Josie Said:
“John – You perform some valuable services with this blog. I would feel so isolated politically without it. (I live in Texas, for Pete’s sake.) This community of thinking people who love pets, gardening and food is exactly the group of people I would associate with if I could find them locally. Your pet blegs are amazing, and the work you do to support your rescue facility is, also. I understand your desire for something more in your personal life, but there is no doubt that you make a difference in the wider world.”
Josie’s got it on the nose John.
FFrank
@Cassidy
soldier,pain in the ass, conservative turned liberal ish, foodie, loves animals.
John has no chance. If he doesn’t run…
mclaren
Buddy, you and I and everyone else who reads or posts on this blog reside about ten bricks from the very tippy-top of the global economic pyramid.
You want to see real poverty, visit a refugee camp in the Sahel. You’ll see people living on $1.50 a day.
You don’t know how goddamn good you’ve got it, and neither do most of the rest of the white overprivileged smugly self-satisfied first worlders on this blog.
Enter your annual income to find out how close you are to the top 5% of the global population here. You’ll be shocked. I don’t know John Cole’s exact income, but I’d estimate you’re at least in the top 2% of the global population by income.
Gus
@mclaren: This is true. We have the luxury of not worrying about where our next meal is coming from, wondering if the water we’re drinking will give us dysentery, or worrying about civil war. We have it easy in this country materially. There is more to life than the material, however.
Just Some Fuckhead
And me, you fat ungrateful sack of shit.
Piratedan
As i walk through
This wicked world
Searchin’ for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time i feel like this inside,
There’s one thing i wanna know:
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?
And as i walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.
’cause each time i feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?
So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.
’cause each time i feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?
That’s what this blog does for me, so ty John….. (and Mssrs. Lowe and Costello)
redkitten
@Just Some Fuckhead: That was touching…
Ruckus
@redkitten:
You didn’t mean that in a good way did you?
/snark(just in case)
Actually I think John, having been in the military, would take that positively.
Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason
John, you’re just a few years early. In the words of Red Green:
freemark
@Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason:
Watching Red Green is better than any philosophy class.
kathy a.
losing someone who was a rock to you is hard. always does make us think. and grieve — which is perfectly normal and healthy, even if other people think you should just get over it in a few days. if you’re thinking, you’re living.
why do you think you “should have” done more by now? whether it is your old expectations or somebody else’s expectations, there are two hard truths: [1] you’ve done valuable things anyway, and [2] the only place to move from here is forward. you cannot change the past. you will not win a nobel prize, a pulitzer, a macarthur, an oscar. live with it — hardly anybody wins those things.
i’m about to turn 55. yes, i still wonder where i’m going; regret a few things. something that still surprises me a little is that we do not know what is around the next corner. my life is so much richer — and probably yours is, too — because unexpected things happened, and we took a path that was uncertain, and that landed us in a different place than anticipated. greater joys, and greater sorrows, both.
do what you have to do. do what is right. just keep moving and thinking. and laughing, don’t forget that! also, you have dad teach you the cabbage rolls.
JWL
You best buck up, Cole, or you’ll be an absolute basket case if-and-when you turn 60. Seize the day, tojour l’audace (sic), and all that.
mbss
Screaming Trees are great. you may give the lead singer, Mark Lanegan, a try as a solo artist. his solo work is about as somber as the tone of this post. kind of like a low, rolling, growling baritone with the pain and depth of emotion intact. whiskey soaked and aged to perfection. the album “I’ll Take Care of You,” released 1999, was a good one, particularly the tracks “Carry home,” and “Consider me.”
you know, regarding the revealing tone of this post i would say: thank you, Cole.
apparently this has been a bit of a trend, but it’s always been an aspect of cole’s M.O., no? I’m to the left of the general thrust of political thought here and I actively avoid political blogs as of late, but…but, it’s nice to tune in now and again to find something of true value, and this is why i came in the first place.
i can see how some may be quick to dismiss this as navel-gazing, maudlin tripe. for others introspection may just not be their cup of tea. for me it’s something else. i go through this world and life looking for something real, something visceral, something or someone alive, authentic. not airbrushed, not silicon, no bluster, no bullshit. it may simply reflect on me but when i find that anguished searching, that feeling of staring into the void, the simple questioning nature that i find so infinitely relatable that that is where i am truly able to connect with others. people flesh out in three dimensions, i step into their shoes, and i see myself reflected in the light of their eyes. to me this is what it means to be human and is the definition of the human condition.
sometimes i might be listening to the radio and something catches my ear. i have in mind one specific time and it was late at night while on the road where a college radio station dj caught my attention. maybe it was the hour or the fact that it’s college radio, they probably feel like sometimes no one is listening and it’s probably the case, but our fearless dj digressed a bit. i can’t remember the specifics, only the tone. she told a bit of backstory about her grandfather, how he had introduced her to music and the like. he had recently passed on and she was dedicating a few songs to him. he was in a surf rock band in the 1950’s or 60’s and she was going to play his tune. there was a pride and emotion in her voice that caught me. i had pulled over to fill up on gas and i simply sat there and listened. the song played and it was a fantastic surf rock tune. if i remember correctly it was similar to The Ventures or Dick Dale. I gave the dj a call and talked to her briefly, complemented her on her candor and song selection. then that was it, and i drove on. I lost the station soon after. significant or insignificant, i don’t know. but these are the moments i remember. the moments that have power for me, resonance.
tony
It is just the 42 thing -that is the nature of it.
Life, the universe, everything.
It’s all rubbish.
You are awesome, though, and I really enjoy this site not only for your insightful snark but also the relatively intelligent comments.
You do great, are a great person, and darnit, people love you.
I do anyway.
:-)
Rita R.
Not going to give advice because I’m still working on figuring out my own post-40 issues — the mid-life thing is definitely real and it’s not only men. So I’ll just send wishes for a Happy Birthday and lots of all those things that make you smile, along with Intertubes-sent virtual support as you work out “is that all there is.” Go easy on yourself too. No-one’s got all the answers.
sherparick
@Piratedan: Welcome to mine and Albrecht Duerer’s World:
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/07/24/image-of-the-day-melencolia-by-albrecht-durer/
All I can say John is you are not the first, won’t be the last, that you are not alone, and this is why the gods inspired the creation of the martini.
sherparick
Happy Birthday by the way.
Anne Laurie
@sherparick: The comments on that post are a hoot! But none of them mention what I was told some 45 years ago: the ‘melencholy’ angel is probably a self-portrait.
ellenbrenna
In one little ball Mark Lanegan (on back up), the 1990s, and unconditional love.
http://youtu.be/qIYLxBUSGa4