I’ve been in bed for a few hours now, and have been unable to fall asleep. I’m not one to dwell on stuff, but for some reason I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I’ve fucked up in 42 years. It’s easy to glibly say you have no regrets, but you’re a liar if you say that. As you age, the regrets and mistakes just seem to stack up, and the only thing you can hope for is that the shit you got right outweighs the stuff you screwed up.
It’s a crazy thing we have going, isn’t it?
Yutsano
It beats the alternative. As far as we know.
amk
Don’t worry john. We really don’t think that you killed rosie. Not intentionally anyway.
MTiffany
Someone who doesn’t regret a single decision they’ve made hasn’t ever been faced with a real decision.
Triumph
The funny thing about regret is, that it’s better to regret the things you HAVE done than the things you HAVEN’T done.
Bmaccnm
@Triumph: I believe that, mostly. I believe that it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all- mostly. My failures are considerably more resonant than any successes I might have had, and which I can’t really count. I lost my job, I am alone, I no longer matter. These things echo in the night.
specialed
I love that Los Lobos song. I’ve been listening to Allman Brothers 2nd Set tonight. Time for bed though :)
specialed
I love that Los Lobos song. I’ve been listening to Allman Brothers 2nd Set tonight. Time for bed though :)
Raven
Don’t look back, they might be gainin on ya!
NotMax
42?
Whippersnapper.
Got decades more of new and improved regrets to build up.
:)
amk
A great read on scotusblog on how teann, pox news and scotus!!! fucked up the great moment of ACA ruling.
http://www.scotusblog.com/2012/07/were-getting-wildly-differing-assessments/
Raven
@NotMax: How was the dinner?
NotMax
@Raven
Quite successful. 13 people fed and sated.
Expected to bring home enough leftovers to last 3 days.
Barely have enough for tomorrow.
Scott
@Bmaccnm: I feel ya, buddy. I’ve been out of work for a year and a half. I started working when I was 15 yrs. old and was gainfully employed for 35 years, with only three different jobs in that time.
Now, I’m 52, and no one wants me.
It’s hard to describe the self-loathing one feels about being jobless. Or the lack of respect from family members.
It does make one toss and turn at night.
The Los Lobos is cool, though.
Raven
@NotMax: Great!
NotMax
@Raven
Actually a good thing that 2 of the regulars at our Sat. gathering didn’t show up.
You stoked for Monday?
Still blustery, but intermittent. Winds blow for an hour, then die down for an hour.
Raven
House Rent Blues, John Lee Hooker
“I been walkin all day
I just can’t find no job. . .”
Raven
@NotMax: I’m bouncin off the walls. Packed 3 reels and a bunch of spoons and rattletraps for surf casting. I probably won’t get to fish as much as I want to but what the hell. I’ll wave when I fly by on the zipline!
Liquid
John you need an injection of Doug Stanhope.
Though that might not help. In fact it might make things worse.
NotMax
@Raven
Fingers crossed that you hook a luscious mahi mahi.
Lots of the local families here still supplement their groceries via net fishing. After work day, not at all uncommon to see them on the shoe, casting (or is there some more esoteric fishing term for that?) the nets out from the beach.
That’s one of the nice things about the 50th state. There is no such thing (outside of military bases) as a private beach. All of them technically are open to the public at large (though sometimes finding the public parking spaces even the beachside resorts must provide by law can be a real hunt).
Raven
I was 43 when I hit the wall and quit all substance abuse, it took a while to get used to but it help a great deal in the long run.
Phylllis
@Raven: I am so totally doing a zipline when I go to the Myrtle in October. Are y’all taking a direct flight to Hawaii? I went in ’96 and said if I ever got to go again, I break that flight up with an overnight stay in California. We were somewhere over the Pacific and my plane tolerance just ran out. Wanted to ask the captain to “let me off here. Yes I understand there’s nothing but ocean. I still want offoffoffrightnow.”
Raven
@NotMax: I have come to a place in my life where my joy in fishing does not hinge on catching them! I wrote Fuzzy about the weather and it sounds like no problem as far as going. I got a patch so I figure that is my best chance to actually hook something. I was surprised to hear that you don’t get to keep the fish on the boat trips but I understand going in so I’m cool with it. I have watched some of the vids of them catching the ulau’s off the cliff, what a gas.
NotMax
@Raven
Have no doubts whatsoever that Fuzzy well knows which mountains to sail behind to mitigate the winds.
Sadly, whale watching season runs from Nov. to March. The humpbacks are in Alsakan waters now, doin’, as Cole Porter opined, what birds, bees and even educated fleas do.
donnah
I went through the same thing last night, only I wasn’t looking back on my life, but forward. I have some big events coming up with a lot of responsibilities and materials due, and while I’ve been preparing since the first of the year, there’s still work to be done. So I’m going around in a state of panic, trying to remember what’s done and what isn’t. Hence the wide-eyed stares at three a.m.
This has to finished by next month, too.
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d27/Rughooker/de4c71a9.jpg
bemused
John, you beat up on yourself far, far too much. Anyone who has an epiphany, seeing the Republican ideology for the shallow shell game it is and then passionately advocates for those unfairly and maliciously treated, trounces the conservative perpetrators publicly on a very popular blog is a stand up guy in my book. That’s a BFD.
Spatula
But John, you DO dwell on “stuff.” It’s in your nature, as you’ve displayed here on many occasions.
I think that is a good quality to have. The questions becomes what does one DO about the “dwelling?”
For me the answer is writing, counseling, active spiritual seeking (key is “seeking” not necessarily “finding”).
There are reasons why you can’t sleep at night. Explore them with yourself and with professionals. Whole new worlds can open to you.
StonyPillow
Hey, John. Hope you finally got some sleep. And hope you don’t mind a few observations:
Basically decent people who aren’t kids anymore have already committed most all their “sins of commission”, certainly all the worst ones. The rest of the journey is mostly “sins of omission”, bad in their own way, but more avoidable.
Regret and guilt are painful and can be debilitating, but they’re also a necessary tonic, stern reminders of how to do things right now that we know better. Especially if we’ve at least tried to make amends to those who’ve been wronged. Pain is the best teacher. It commands attention like nothing else.
The important question is, how can we compel ourselves to right action now and in the years we have left, to try to swing the balance so we can be satisfied we do better with the rest of what we were given. Letting the fear of more pain from making yet another mistake keep us from acting is the wrong path, leading to those “sins of omission”. Keep learning, keep trying, struggle to keep from giving up on the project of making a good life. From where I’m sitting, you don’t seem to be doing too bad a job.
And be as honest with and as gentle on yourself as you would with a good friend. It helps a lot, at least for me.
(Free advice disclaimer: this and $2.29 plus tax will get you a grande coffee of the day at Starbucks. Full refunds of every penny paid available on request.)
Elizabelle
@StonyPillow:
You all had a lot of good advice and perspective.
All this and pet pics too.
bago
@Triumph: And by the way, if you see your mother this weekend, be sure to tell her I said SATAN!
bago
Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo29_EjE-1Q
luc
Beautiful song – I listen to it at least once a week.
But John, your streak of melancholy is slighty worrying.
How about some outdoor action to raise the spirits? I guess, you should have great rafting opportunities in your area?
Haydnseek
Thanks for the song, John. One of the greatest shows I’ve ever seen was Los Lobos playing a gig in a friends back yard at his wedding reception. This was when they were playing the punk clubs in downtown Los Angeles. Just another local band from LA, to paraphrase Zappa. They played two long sets, hung out with everyone beer for beer, and still managed to make the club gig they had that night. They were signed to their first record deal a few months later and the rest, as they say, is history. My friends marriage didn’t survive, sad to say. I hope the wolf does better. Great show, great band, great people. Wish you had been there.
Haydnseek
@Liquid: Huzzah! Another Doug Stanhope fan! Ah, planet juice just gets better and better….
Ruckus
@NotMax:
Yea no kidding 42 seems pretty young.
dnfree
This is the song for those life regrets–a Leonard Cohen song, but Jennifer Warnes collaborated on it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZIFavgLd38
IrishGirl
John, be careful. A little dwelling is good for the soul. Too much dwelling becomes a selfish indulgence and prevents you from moving forward. Take the lessons, make amends to others where necessary and possible, forgive yourself, and then move on. This is the only healthy alternative.
taylormattd
I think you and I are approximately the same age. I’ve started doing this too. It’s an awful feeling to realize how many things you’ve fucked up.
taylormattd
And since this was an open thread. I hereby request Sarah write up her experience attending Magic Mike.
Spatula
@IrishGirl:
I agree with all of this, BUT almost every one needs help and guidance to effectively accomplish what it is you are suggesting…otherwise in most cases it just doesn’t happen.
There are loads of professionals, organizations, and people all around who can help in these areas, but we have to seek them out! The seeking is the hardest part, and our society discourages us from doing it.
Most times, self reflection is mocked as “navel gazing.” Cause god forbid we would actually, you know, learn and grow from our experiences. (Naturally, the Bush Family Monsters are the number one offenders in this area as in many others.)
AN UNEXAMINED LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING.
Cole is examining his…good for him.
Beauzeaux
@Triumph: I’ve heard this all my life and even said it a few times — but it makes no sense. If you quit your job and go to Paris, you’re deciding against another action (keeping your job, having stability).
So you can regret…which? Keeping your job? Going to Paris?
So regretting (or not regretting) is possible with every decision.
Beauzeaux
John: At 42 you have lots and lots of chances to make positive change. My 40s were the best.
Now, I’m 70 years old and there’s very little I can do to redress the balance of regrets vs. positives in my life. You have at least a couple of decades of good mental and physical condition before you inevitably encounter medical issues and diminution of energy.
Trolling for regrets at your age is not productive. It’s like Justin Bieber writing his memoirs. Too early.
Doug
We are the sum of our scars.
Spatula
@Beauzeaux:
“trolling for regrets” isn’t a very helpful way to characterize what Cole is writing about. Smells of the same mockery inherent in the term “navel gazing,” a Bush family favorite. Anything to avoid examining their crimes.
But isn’t the key to turn those “regrets” into positive learning and action toward what’s next?
Regrets are a useless emotion, yes, but there is MUCH to be learned and gained by examining our past and making adjustments accordingly.
Arclite
@Raven:
Be careful, there was a fatal zipline accident on Hawaii last year when a zipline tower collapsed.
shano
When I feel like that I always say “what would Freddie Mercury do?”
So here is what some have called the best live set in rock and roll history:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y8q-cq4P-I