Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

This has so much WTF written all over it that it is hard to comprehend.

“They all knew.”

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

… gradually, and then suddenly.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

The National Guard is not Batman.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

SCOTUS: It’s not “bribery” unless it comes from the Bribery region of France. Otherwise, it’s merely “sparkling malfeasance”.

The only way through is to slog through the muck one step at at time.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

Stop using mental illness to avoid talking about armed white supremacy.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

We do not need to pander to people who do not like what we stand for.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

This country desperately needs a functioning fourth estate.

Second rate reporter says what?

This year has been the longest three days of putin’s life.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty. ~Thomas Jefferson

That meeting sounds like a shotgun wedding between a shitshow and a clusterfuck.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

A tremendous foreign policy asset… to all of our adversaries.

Every decision we make has lots of baggage with it, known or unknown.

You are here: Home / Humorous / Amazon UK Reviewers Skewer ‘BIC for Her’ Ballpoint Pens

Amazon UK Reviewers Skewer ‘BIC for Her’ Ballpoint Pens

by | 85 Comments

This post is in: 

I yearn for a scented lady-pen with wings.

20120826-113627.jpg

You really ought to take the time to read these brilliant reviews for BIC for Her pens. They are all instant classics.

Here is a sample:

I feel I must complain in the strongest terms about the sexism of this item. Where are the “For Him” pens? How can I embrace my masculinity, when there is no pen for me? Am I destined to just watch all of the women around me falling into a sparkly dream of ponies, crochet and butterflies, while I pace angrily here, unable to access the manly world of construction vehicles, barbeques, motor racing and science? I can barely adjust my crotch, I am so angry.

Make pens For Him. Strong pens. Manly pens. Pens that dress on the right. Pens with good grips for masculine hands. MANPENS!

and

As a MILLIONAIRE AUTHOR of BESTSELLING TECHNO-THRILLERS, I have to say that I was very disappointed with this pen. Whenever I tried to write punchy, in-your-face prose about the nuclear payload capabilities of the B-2 Northrop-Grunmann stealth bomber, I found myself instead writing about shopping, cocktails and friendship. And when I tried to write the title ‘OPERATION CRISIS POINT’ at the top of the page, I found myself writing ‘DIARY OF A THIRTYSOMETHING’ instead. Is Jeremy Renner gonna want to star in the movie adaptation of that? IS HE HECK.

and

Pray, what is a ‘pen’? I do like it so, because it is so pink, but I remain ignorant as to its practical use. Father says not to ask questions because it might give me wrinkles, and to carry on practising my charming giggle so I can one day ensnare a Duke – but I cannot help but be intrigued by the delicate pinkness of this curio. I can only assume that because it is pink, it is intended for a woman’s useage. I am a woman, therefore perhaps I should have this pink so-called pen?

Does one place it delicately in the hair? Could one perhaps keep it in a box and take it out to peer at on occasion, when Father is busy in the library (wherever that is)? Is it an appropriate subject for after-dinner conversation? Might one take it on a lovely picnic in Hyde Park?

Naturally, we women are single-mindedly intrigued and captivated by the appearance and beauty of all things. It is almost as if my very womanhood calls out to objects of this colour and demands to be in possession of anything which combines the fascinating shading of red and white. If the ‘pen’ (an ugly name, I think) were not so pink, I should never have noticed it nor considered its potentialities as a purchase.

However, I am frightened and cautious as well as capricious and flighty, such as only a woman can be. Upon consultation with my conscience, I cannot in all good faith acquire such an item without being fully apprised as to its application. Now that I think upon it, I have heard mutterings about the use of ‘pens’ amongst Father’s business associates whilst pouring the tea for them (though I am sure they cannot have pink ones! An absurd notion!), and this would indicate that they are wholly inappropriate utensils for the fairer sex. I fear I have been enticed into unhealthy enquiry by the dazzling genius of the manufacturer. In colouring this object so, he has perhaps some deviant purpose in mind, correctly assuming that one such as myself may happen upon it and be naturally, helplessly seduced by the hue irresistable.

I shall not be tempted. I shall not enquire nor express any future enquiry as to the purpose of the pink pen. I must not feel it throb in my fingers, if indeed that is where it is intended to be placed. I shall endeavor henceforth to merely collect other pink objects; shells, ribbons and pretty trinkets such as might be suitable for a girl of marriagable age and limited mental capacity.

Yours &tc.

Thank you so much Bic!

These are more than just pens. They are little pink saviours. Every girl and woman should own one.

All my life I have written predominantly with black, blue, clear plastic, or, occasionally, metallic coloured pens. It never felt right. My sense of womanhood was deeply impacted by the lack of gender defined stationary. I remember once, writing in a public library, a child asked the time, and referred to me as `mister’. Mortified, I reflected upon why I had been so cruelly misgendered. I mean, I’m no Marilyn Monroe but I like to make an effort! Then it came to me: I was writing with an ORDINARY pen. Nothing in this writing implement made it obvious that I was a WOMAN. The next thing you know, this child might have asked me to fix something! Or assumed I understood the ins and outs of science!

Until I found your `for her’ range of pens, I was in genderless limbo. No, make that hell. Horrified at the thought of a repeat incident, I wrote only in private. No amount of make up, pink dresses, heels, and jewellery could fill the aching sense of androgyny that now consumed me. Concerned at my obvious deep misery, and apparent pen phobia, my friends and family began asking questions. How could I tell them? How would you?

Then – I saw them. First it was the pastel colours. Good, yes, but not clearly enough defined. A closer look and my heart skipped a beat. Could it be true? Pens `for her’? I don’t want to go into detail, but I will tell you that I emitted sounds of euphoria I never thought humanly possible. Many tears were wept. Tears stained pink with feminine joy.

As you can imagine, I counted the minutes until this precious package arrived. I took the day of work, bought myself a new pink writing pad, and practically sprinted to the nearest busy café. Settled with a skinny mochachino, I pulled out my new `for her’ pen (pink of course!). The result was astounding. As I began to write, flowers, heart shapes and ponies appeared on the page. I had unleashed and connected with my inner femininity! There was no stopping me now. You won’t believe what happened next. A man, looking uncannily like Burt Reynolds (in his heyday no less!), approached me and said: `Hey babe [Babe!]. That’s a pretty pen for a pretty lady’.

Needless to say we are now engaged and living in blissful heteronormativity. Stan has even asked me to make a special request to you, Bic – `for him’ pens! He says they could be in the shape of beer bottles or golf clubs. And why stop there? (said Stan). A ruler that looks like a brick would make any man feel more of a man. He is so clever. He says you must make sure to send him royalties! How we laugh about that, every morning. (But seriously, do credit him if you take the ideas on board.)

Anyway, I am sure there are still many more stationary items to be gendered feminine, and too little time! Thank you for giving me back my sense of womanhood, and please – never underestimate your role in promoting the gendering of girls and women.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews

and perhaps my favorite, for its succinct simplicity:

Before I bought this product I couldn’t write but now I’m an engineer. Mind you, I only design pink, flowery bridges, motorways and sewers. Blue ones would be wrong wouldn’t they.

I think this is what they call “product failure.” Gendered razors I get. What woman doesn’t enjoy a nice shaving strip while scraping the hair off their legs? But pink gendered pens? Come on, son. Either come at me with a ribbed-for-her-pleasure pen, or don’t come at me at all. Pink alone ain’t gettin’ it done, IYKWIMAITYD.

WHAT? WHAT’D I SAY?

[cross-posted at ABLC]

Reader Interactions

85Comments

  1. 1.

    BGinCHI

    I’m assuming they got the idea from a Freudian reading of the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword.”

  6. 6.

    mechwarrior

    @op

    Most of the gendered shaving stuff is a fraud anyway. It’s just shoving more and more blades on with the same tricks and then making the handle pink or blue.

    However, there is truly manly shaving! I’m talking the world of straight razors, double edged, bristle brushes, and proper cream/soap whipped up in a mug! It still exists, granted the initial buy in will burn a hole in the wallet, but in the long run you’ll save $$$$$$$ on blades. Plus natural soaps and cream blends are less havok on your skin than the chemical crap in those spray bottles.

  8. 8.

    Shawn in ShowMe

    This is the greatest mass trolling in the history of mankind. I bow in these folks’ general direction.

  9. 9.

    Hunter Gathers

    Gendered razors I get.

    Somebody needs to explain to me the concept of scented razors. The Mrs. and myself are utterly confused as to why they exist. Who shaves their legs and thinks to themselves, ‘I wish this razor smelled of lavender’? Are they trying to tell women that the areas they are shaving smell funny, and therefore need a scented razor to compensate for that fact? And if that prior sentence is the reason for scented razors, what kind of misogynist prick came up with that concept? It boggles the mind. I’ve never thought, while shaving the hot mess that is my face, ‘I wish this razor had a sporty scent to it’. Are we going to see commercials with guys recommending the new scented Gillette disposable razor because it smells like beer and brats? The focus groups that approve shit like this should be firebombed.

  10. 10.

    RAM

    These would be perfect for my 5 year-old granddaughter; she loves pink with sparkles. Unfortunately, she’s only allowed to play with washable markers. Not sure what other age group they might appeal to…

  11. 11.

    gene108

    Not as awesome as The Mountain men’s Three Wolves T-shirt

    All reviews are 100% accurate:

    I bought this in a kids size and put it on my third daughter. The next morning, she had turned into a boy. Now I have the son I always wanted. Thanks 3 Wolf Shirt!

    I believe that wearing this t-shirt has made me a better man, which is remarkable because, well….I’m a chick.

    When I put this T-shirt on for the first time, my wife left me! Thank you, Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt!

    I bought this shirt from this site without reading the reviews and now, my life is pretty much over. It’s just me and my disability check in this cozy trailer from now on. It was just, like, I saw the shirt when I was looking to buy my boyfriend a gift for his birthday. The wolves… they, like, called to me from the webpage and I pushed the one click button immediately. And when it arrived and I was wrapping it for my man, I kept touching it thinking, “he is going to look soooooooooooooooooo hot in this shirt. Look at all those HOWLING WOLVES! One wolf would have been pretty sexy, but three of them? That’s so triple of the sexy! He loved it, of course, and then he went and wore it to the bar. Three days later, he came back to our trailer, packed his bag, and left me for one of the many ladies that were drawn to him and the “magical” shirt. Magical for him, maybe… but not to ME. I’m so lost without him. I hate you, wolf shirt.

  12. 12.

    Toadvine

    A good portion of my raw, seething, shock-and-awe masculinity derives from the fact that I can drive my pen through an oak 4×8. MANPEN!

    Here’s the proof, ladies:

    tuffwriter.com/

  13. 13.

    magurakurin

    @mechwarrior: no. fuck that. They call it a safety razor for a reason. No way I’m using a straight razor. I realize not everyone’s beard is the same, but I only use about 6 razor cartridges a year. Shaving cream seems a waste to me though. I just use soap and that is fine. But straight razors give me the willies.

  15. 15.

    Alison

    @Hunter Gathers: What’s also really weird about it is that most of the shaving gels/creams sold for women are already scented, usually strongly so. How many different fucking aromas do we need for the few minutes spent shaving? I mean, seriously.

    And at least the fragrance in the gels makes a bit of sense, because it leaves a bit of scent behind when you’re done. But in the razor? Just so it can, what, waft around you? So weird.

  17. 17.

    Yutsano

    @magurakurin: I can’t do a straight razor on myself either (potential pun aside) because I don’t trust myself enough. I will let a pro do it though.

  18. 18.

    Comrade Mary

    If you’ve got to write with a fruit, write with a banana.

    Also.

    For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

  20. 20.

    mechwarrior

    @magurakurin:

    Double edged safety? Still works better than gillet.

    I get massively bad ingrown hairs with drug store razors, no matter how many blades on them. It’s ugly. I get none with a straight razor and it’s extremely rare with the doube edged.

    Thing is, the blades for the double edged come out to a dime a pop if that for good ones, at the most they are 50 cents… compare that to 18 bucks plus (here at least) for four gillete blades.

    The straight razor, I got a good one and it was 500 bucks, never needs to be replaced, EVER. Just sharpen it.

    The soaps and creams are good as well, and you don’t need the fancy blades for them.

    If you get ingrown hairs you’d realize it faster, but ye old shave that takes 20 mins or so, is far superior to what you get from that quad blade and that can of foam when you jump out of the shower. It’s also more green. The double edges you’re only tossing metal, the straight you don’t toss anything. And the natural soaps and lathers vs the crap in the can is obvious in what’s better.

  21. 21.

    Randy P

    Why are the English so much better at this kind of verbal assassination than we are? What is lacking in our educational system? Should we be importing English nannies to play the dozens with our kindergartners? [*]

    [*] Is “play the dozens” still current or did I just show the pop culture awareness of Romney’s who let the dogs out moment? My only pretense to coolness comes from what I link from BJ.

  22. 22.

    Mnemosyne

    The techno-thriller writer’s review reminds me of “Honeysuckle Cottage,” probably my all-time favorite PG Wodehouse story. Unfortunately, it’s still under copyright despite having been published in the early 1920s because that sonovabitch Wodehouse kept writing until he died in 1975.

  23. 23.

    dogwood

    These are pretty funny, but nothing can beat the Amazon product reviews for pepper spray after someone on Fox declared it a “food product.”

  24. 24.

    mechwarrior

    @Alison:

    It can be bad for men, it never ends. I just go with bay rum everything and call it a day. I just waft on soaps since I can get a block I have to slice of tea tree shaving soap for about 20 bucks, which is vastly more than the normal dishes and lasts a tad over a year.

    classicshaving.com/Home.html

    Have fun!

  25. 25.

    General Stuck

    We are all just prisoners here of our own device

    I’m taking odds Mitt’s mystic bloomers are pink as a baby’s bottom. Show us now Romney, or it’s all true.

  26. 26.

    The Dangerman

    Here’s more Amazon “reviews” (the wolf shirt is in there):

    oddee.com/item_97118.aspx

    I recommend the “Handerpants” and the poor person that had a dick grafted onto … well, you’ll have to go read.

  27. 27.

    mechwarrior

    @Yutsano:

    It’s actually not all that hard to learn. Get a stypic and learn it slowly. The real issue is that it takes time, you need to devote 20 mins or so for the entire process.

    It’s one of the things I like about getting up in the morning.

  29. 29.

    magurakurin

    @mechwarrior: I could trust a double edge safety. But I live in Japan now, and I’ve never seen them in the stores. Must exist somewhere. But my beard is really thin and light, so I’m not a good example of what does and doesn’t work well. My father-in-law, who is Japanese, uses a straight razor though. shiver.

  32. 32.

    Hunter Gathers

    @General Stuck:

    I’m taking odds that Mitt’s mystic bloomers are pink as a baby’s bottom.

    Androids don’t need underwear. Bloomers are useless when you lack genitalia and an anus. Why do you think he turned down those store-bought cookies a while back? His internal matter-to-energy converter can’t process anything that might leave a waste product. He wasn’t designed for that. He can only consume water (used in his cooling system) and mayonnaise (his converter uses 100% of the fatty acids contained in mayo as pomade used to style is oh-so-perfect hair).

  34. 34.

    Roger Moore

    @mechwarrior:

    Plus natural soaps and cream blends are less havok on your skin than the chemical crap in those spray bottles.

    Unless you have hard water. I’ve had to give up natural soap for just about everything because it leaves a nasty, irritating deposit on my skin. It really sucks, because I liked my homemade cold process soaps, especially for shaving.

  36. 36.

    Nutella

    My favorite pen review:

    “I am a huge fan of the gender binary. Without it, it’s very hard to work out who to oppress.”

  38. 38.

    mechwarrior

    @magurakurin:

    But Japan makes the BEST blades, Feathers! Nothing compares, those are the 50cent blades, the most expensive.

    classicshaving.com/catalog/item/522941/906451.htm

    The handles for them range from 20-120. Most of it’s nonsense but the ones over 60 usually allow you to bend the blade more for a more aggressive shave.

    If you don’t need it you don’t, but for those of us who do it’s a god send. Saving cash each year only ads to it, I could personally give a shit about the greeness of it but that is there.

    As for the straights, I get the hesitation but it’s not as bad as it seems. Our grandfathers lived like that, professionals still do it, and you’re not going to carve your head off. Once you get over the initial hurdle it’s fun. Different tricks, more aggressive cuts, it’s enjoyable.

  39. 39.

    Sparrowgal

    @gene108: You might have missed one of the more awesome reviews. Reviewer Dustin Drury actually took the time to create a Three Wolf Moon Tee Shirt video, complete with musical score. Hilarious!

    Video link

  40. 40.

    Roger Moore

    @Alison:
    The scents in most scented items are way too strong, to the point I can’t understand how anyone with a well functioning sense of smell can stand it. I don’t mind a mild, natural scent, but I just can’t understand who wants their stuff scented so strongly it could revive a corpse.

  42. 42.

    magurakurin

    @mechwarrior: okay, thanks for the tip. I’m going to start a search for a double edge safety with some Nippon Steel. I like saving money.

    still not gonna do the straight razor. not gonna do it. wouldn’t be prudent

    cheers.

  43. 43.

    sfinny

    @Roger Moore: In certain things scent is lovely, but I am allergic to some scents which causes problems for me in certain environments. And it has been worse in the last ten years as scents seem to be more prevalent. Mostly I can avoid or quickly leave an area that is a problem, but making sure that products I buy are OK is increasingly an issue.

  48. 48.

    Doggie D

    To assess the validity of gender stereotypes, I sometimes observe daytime TeeVee.

    Based on my assessments, I profoundly predict that BIC Corporation will continue to sell these pen-models. The reason that BIC Corporation will continue to sell these pen-models is because people, primarily females, will buy them. The reason that people, primarily females, will continue to buy them is because the appearance of these pens brings the females buying them pleasure.

    I could continue down this Path of Logic, but I will not, as I do not as of yet wish to be vaporized.

  50. 50.

    Heliopause

    For those of you who might have The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok handy, see pages 25-27.

  57. 57.

    Chuck Butcher

    since my beard is, I think, older than multi-blade razors and certainly older than gender colored/scented ones I will remain in ignorance. I know something bad would happen to me if I were to put a razor to my face/neck but would it be worse if it weren’t chrome or black?

    I tried a straight razor once, I’d as soon use one of my hunting knives… in fact that would look much more manly in the process – discounting the bloody mess.

  59. 59.

    magurakurin

    @Comrade Mary: okay, I read that. sorry, safety razors are now out. I’ll stick with my corporate cartridges. Call me a coward, call me chicken, but I ams what I ams.

  60. 60.

    bago

    @Hunter Gathers: I was stepping out of the shower at the GF’s place, and she asked me what I wanted for breakfast. After the apricot body wash, the lime face wash, the coconut shampoo and cucumber conditioner, I had to say: “I’m full, I had a salad in the shower”.

  61. 61.

    mechwarrior

    @Comrade Mary:

    Pretty good but the “vegan” versions of a strope and a brush don’t compare to the genuine leather and badger hair articles. Other than that, and I can see why he did it (fucking vegans), he’s spot on.

    I’d advise getting the badger hair brush at least.

  63. 63.

    mechwarrior

    @magurakurin:

    They probably used an aggressive handle. The angles aren’t all the same. What works for me would carve my friends face to a pulp.

  64. 64.

    Roger Moore

    @sfinny:
    What I find is that natural scents, even fairly strong ones, usually don’t bother me, but that artificial scents really get to me. I think this is because natural scents are usually blends of many different things, while artificial scents are blends of only a few things or sometimes only one chemical. It’s the same way that colored LEDs seem to be much more painful to my eyes than equally bright filtered incandescent lights. The filters they use on incandescent lights let through a lot of the other colors, so they’re only moderately saturated, but the LEDs are essentially monochromatic. There’s something about the single pure scent or color that is much more irritating than a mixture.

  65. 65.

    El Cruzado

    I have no idea how to find a link for a cached version of that page, but there was a truly hilarious review thread for a Harry Potter “flying broom” toy with a, let’s say, misinterpretable picture to go with it.

  72. 72.

    Origuy

    There’s an English candy bar called Yorkie, which is advertised as “It’s not for girls.”

    The Yorkie bar, a chunkier alternative to Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, was aimed at men. In the 1980s for example, toy lorries with the Yorkie bar logo were manufactured by Corgi, and television advertisements for the Yorkie bar featured truck drivers. In 2001, the advertisement campaign made this more explicit with the slogan and wrapper tagline It’s not for girls, which caused controversy.

  73. 73.

    Death Panel Truck

    @Poopyman: I have a female friend who hunts, and who would absolutely love a bullet cartridge pen.

    Fucking stereotyping, how does it work?

  74. 74.

    Death Panel Truck

    @Origuy: I had one that I bought from a British import shop in 2005. Meh.

    It’s fucking chocolate. Not male chocolate, not female chocolate – just fucking chocolate.

  76. 76.

    Draylon Hogg

    @Origuy: When Rowntrees originally marketed Yorkie in the late 70’s they called it Rations and rolled it out in Scotland. Because of the negative association with WWII food rationing it was not a success. So they went back to the drawing board and the 8 ball and created an enduring and sexist brand that survives to this day.

  78. 78.

    ThresherK

    @magurakurin: General shaving advice (Lifehacker, I think) which works for me is to store your blade / cartridge (once used) in mineral oil or rubbing alcohol.

    Can’t say it’ll work for all, but it’s really helped the MBTS (mean time between scrapiness) on this end.

  80. 80.

    valency

    Google “Uzi Tactical Pen” if you want to see what a “Pen for him” looks like. The pen that looks like you are compensating for something.

    And no matter how silly this is, the fact is, I’ve noticed women pay upwards of a dollar more for a set of disposable razorblades identical to those in the male grooming aisle except that they are colored pink. The marketers know what they are doing.

  81. 81.

    Nina

    I just dropped my daughter off for the first day of middle school and saw the natural demographic for this product in the wild. The blinding flash of bracers and the predatory flip of perfectly ironed hair was a terror to behold.

  83. 83.

    Karen in GA

    What about the reviews for the $14,000 speaker cables?

    amazon.com/AudioQuest-K2-terminated-speaker-cable/product-reviews/B000J36XR2/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_7…

    Very happy with these. The clarity is excellent, with minimum distortion at the top end and powerful, resonant bass frequencies. They create a pleasing warmth from vinyl, and minimise the inevitable distortion from Mp3. Thoroughly satisfied, and would recommend them to even the most diffident audiophile. I’m not madly happy about the dread dimensional portal to the netherworld that has opened up next to my TV, though.

  84. 84.

    Bill in Section 147

    @gene108: Thanks for that link. Just ordered mine. Got one a size smaller than I normally wear. Now I just have to wait for delivery.

    Shirt + Walmart = Magic.

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