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Balloon Juice

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Come on, man.

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When do the post office & the dmv weigh in on the wuhan virus?

We’ll be taking my thoughts and prayers to the ballot box.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

Stamping your little feets and demanding that they see how important you are? Not working anymore.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

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Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

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You are here: Home / Open Threads / I Just Got Drunk Instead

I Just Got Drunk Instead

by John Cole|  August 30, 201212:02 am| 162 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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I’m actually quite impressed with my ability to avoid the RNC this year. I watched a property brothers, then a restaurant impossible, then went up the street to the bar and had three scotches. I thought it would be a sedate night, but apparently it was wing night, so the place was packed. Had a couple scotches, and apparently had my typical dour face, because some young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot. I said sure, then ordered some shots.

Sure- she was not interested in me and saw an easy mark, but you know what, it was fun. A couple scotches, a shot or two of tequila with a cute 21 year old red head with freckles and blue eyes, then going home and walking the dogs. That’s pretty fucking ok.

Especially since it ended at shots. I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

That is all. While my libido gently weeps.

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Reader Interactions

162Comments

  1. 1.

    Silver

    August 30, 2012 at 12:05 am

    Fuck man, buy a red Corvette and a tank top, and move to Florida. You deserve it.

  2. 2.

    Donut

    August 30, 2012 at 12:06 am

    @Silver:

    Close the thread. That’s all there is to say.

  3. 3.

    Quinn

    August 30, 2012 at 12:07 am

    You are smarter than I. It’s 11 and my blood is still boiling from all the lies in Ryan’s diatribe. I should have drank to ease the pain.

  4. 4.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 12:07 am

    Doing straight shots with a pretty redhead sounds a hell of a lot nicer than watching the GOPFAIL parade.

    Good choice. :)

  5. 5.

    Narcissus

    August 30, 2012 at 12:07 am

    “Wanna come back to my place and get our tubes all spastic”

    She might’ve said yes dude.

  6. 6.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    August 30, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Sounds better than watching that fucking convention.

    I watched the A’s game, then Jeopardy, then some local news. Had some Chardonnay, eyeing some Brew Free or Die in the fridge.

    I kinda wish there was a bar I could walk to.

  7. 7.

    Bnut

    August 30, 2012 at 12:08 am

    (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas)

  8. 8.

    BGinCHI

    August 30, 2012 at 12:09 am

    So I drive all the way to WV, put my red wig on, and Cole bails.

    I’m never gonna meet Tunch in person.

  9. 9.

    rb

    August 30, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Good man, Cole. Maybe she’ll tell her older sister about you ;)

  10. 10.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:11 am

    @Bnut: Strong. Fucking so strong.

  11. 11.

    LT

    August 30, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Sounds pretty fucking perfect to me. I mean the wife would argue, but fuck it.

  12. 12.

    BGinCHI

    August 30, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Best poll ever:

    http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entry/pew-top-words-associated-with-romney-honest-businessman

    “Honest” is the same word associated with Iago. And you know how that worked out for the black dude, right?

  13. 13.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:12 am

    She was fishing for an easy mark. Just tell her you have two hundred dollar bills in your pocket.

  14. 14.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 12:12 am

    For Christ’s sake Cole, it’s the fuckin’ 21st century. Would it kill you to take (and post) some pictures? You teased us about hot babes is Madison too. How can we live vicariously with these sketchy details?

    Sheesh, where’s Hef when you need him?

  15. 15.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 12:13 am

    Is tunch a chick magnet? I bet not.

  16. 16.

    Violet

    August 30, 2012 at 12:13 am

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life

    What are you, a teenaged girl? You don’t have to marry her. It’s just a date. Or a hookup.

  17. 17.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Fuck you Howard Fineman. You bitch.

  18. 18.

    Violet

    August 30, 2012 at 12:15 am

    @Corner Stone: Wait, the girl was Howard Fineman?

  19. 19.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:15 am

    @1badbaba3: Listen. I’ve lived my life with 5’8″ women. I just want one 5’2″ hottie before I’m done.

  20. 20.

    Roger Moore

    August 30, 2012 at 12:18 am

    @Narcissus:

    “Wanna come back to my place and get our tubes all spastic meet my cat and two dogs”

    FTFY.

  21. 21.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:18 am

    @Violet: Hmmm. No. I’m just beyond tired of Howard telling us we better tag Paul Ryan as a liar in the next 15 minutes or else we’re all screwed.

    Yeah. Why is that Howard? Why should we have to push back so hard when it’s your fucking loser ass job? You hump ass loser motherfucker.

  22. 22.

    karen

    August 30, 2012 at 12:19 am

    Two things made me laugh online today – “the outlaw jersey whale” and “while my libido gently weeps.” Well done to both both of you.

  23. 23.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    August 30, 2012 at 12:19 am

    While my libido gently weeps.

    lolz

  24. 24.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 12:21 am

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    I asked my friend about this who had a 23 yr old gf. He told me, “Shit. Women our age don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. Why should I worry about it?”
    She was smoking hot by the way.

  25. 25.

    jwb

    August 30, 2012 at 12:22 am

    @BGinCHI: It would be interesting to run that list against Fox News transcripts. Also the methodology on that poll is not exactly transparent.

  26. 26.

    Comrade Javamanphil

    August 30, 2012 at 12:23 am

    That post was so full of fail win (or win fail…I don’t know but it made me laugh.)

    I was on stage all night performing in Sweeney Todd. There were fewer sociopaths on my stage than at the RNC.

    Also, too, Michelle Obama is a national treasure.

  27. 27.

    Silver

    August 30, 2012 at 12:24 am

    @rb: Or her mom. Or her grandmother.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3l9IN287kY

  28. 28.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 12:24 am

    I haven’t watched a second of the convention, but after reading some of the stuff on the twitter machine and other sites, I still got pissed.

    Ryan is a sociopath. He and Willard aren’t even trying to fake it. They’re just going to keep lying, knowing everyone knows they’re lying, and dare people to make them pay for it.

    I’ve never seen anything like it.

  29. 29.

    Tony

    August 30, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Don’t worry…tomorrow college football will be back and all will be right with the world.

  30. 30.

    Phaerisee

    August 30, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Great article. If you think that was crazy, check this out.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGFAph3lWqw

  31. 31.

    JenJen

    August 30, 2012 at 12:25 am

    This might be my favorite post of yours ever.

  32. 32.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 12:27 am

    @Corner Stone:

    Fuck you Howard Fineman. You bitch.

    Care to elaborate?

  33. 33.

    Narcissus

    August 30, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Can we get an actblue to get Cole laid

    Or a kickstarter or something

  34. 34.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 12:27 am

    @BGinCHI: My God. Kill me now.

  35. 35.

    rb

    August 30, 2012 at 12:29 am

    @Silver: Yeah, I was being nice :)

  36. 36.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 12:29 am

    @Bnut: On second thought, he’s much more “rill America” than the zombie-eyed granny starved. He should command more respect as well. So let me be the first to propose a change:

    Romney/ Jame Gumb 2012!

  37. 37.

    Narcissus

    August 30, 2012 at 12:30 am

    even a RealDoll would probably do I mean it’s not like he has game

  38. 38.

    Godlesssailor

    August 30, 2012 at 12:32 am

    @Roger Moore:

    That’s all you have to say. Let the pets do the work for once, god knows they owe you that.

    Let Tunch or Rosie be your wingman (Goose).

  39. 39.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    August 30, 2012 at 12:35 am

    @Hill Dweller: Fineman was acting as if Jesus had healed him.

  40. 40.

    mai naem

    August 30, 2012 at 12:36 am

    @Narcissus: You don’t need kickstarter. You just need craigslist.

  41. 41.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 12:37 am

    @Old Dan and Little Ann:

    Fineman was acting as if Jesus had healed him.

    Over Ryan’s speech?

  42. 42.

    suzanne

    August 30, 2012 at 12:38 am

    Dude. You should have told her your story about the fun you had at the mall this weekend. I’m sure she would have splashed her panties when you got to the part about them heckling you. That’s HOT.

    I was watching the RNC, but the baby was freaking out, so I turned it off And let her watch an episode of Barney. I learned more from the purple dinosaur.

  43. 43.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Thinking about it more, you should have invited her to your house to see your big ‘web site’.

    You do have a computer in your bedroom, right? ;)

  44. 44.

    archpundit

    August 30, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Just showed this to my wife and told her that would be me if we had not gotten married.

  45. 45.

    Godlesssailor

    August 30, 2012 at 12:40 am

    Also, John, it’s not that tough as long as your honest, and can crack jokes (which you can).

    I joined the Navy at 32 got out at 36, moved to the middle of nowhere midwest to use the GI Bill and got my BA, and the last year, met a 22 year (soon to turn 24) old red-head (with freckles and green eyes) who is nuts about me.

    Yes, sometimes conversation is awkward, and yes it’s not forever, we both know it, especially since I took a job 2000 miles away, and she has another year of school.

    But it’s fun, and girls now, just want to have fun, and if you are funny, and actually read books, well . . . some girls like older guys, because they dislike drama as well.

    Next time ask her if she wants to meet the fat cat and Rosie.

  46. 46.

    Narcissus

    August 30, 2012 at 12:40 am

    “My subaru has more npr bumper stickers than god”

  47. 47.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    August 30, 2012 at 12:42 am

    @Hill Dweller: Yes. He thought Ryan knocked it out of the park. It was rather sickening to see him gushing over it on MSNBC.

  48. 48.

    mai naem

    August 30, 2012 at 12:43 am

    @Corner Stone: Fineman’s a twit. I’ve been finding Matthews insufferable since yesterday. It seems like he feels like he’s got kiss Republican ass because of his spat with Reince Priebus.

    Also too, does anybody think that Reince’s face always looks like he’s trying to pass a huge turd, like he’s not pooped for several days and is full of poop and it’s become all hard and dry and he’s going to cause a hemmorhoid passing the turd out. I know I’m being kind of graphic but he really has that look with his facial expression. I dunno, maybe I should email him and tell him he needs to eat more fiber. Eat Dannon yogurt with activia. Also too, Scott Walker kind of has that same kind of look. Is this a Wisconsin thang?

  49. 49.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 12:44 am

    You bragged to her about your fucking subaru, didntja? No wonder.

  50. 50.

    cay

    August 30, 2012 at 12:46 am

    Jesus Christ move to California. Santa Monica, NOT San Diego.

  51. 51.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 12:46 am

    @Old Dan and Little Ann: They grade the style points, not the substance. Judging from the excerpts I’ve seen, Ryan was blatantly lying about virtually everything.

  52. 52.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 12:48 am

    @1badbaba3: starver, with an ‘r’. Granny staver.
    Goddammed auto-correct and rheumatisz.

    Hmmm, prolly time for some rheumatisz medicine. Not as spry as I used to be.

  53. 53.

    ? Martin

    August 30, 2012 at 12:49 am

    @Godlesssailor: I 2nd this. My dad illustrated that meeting attractive young ladies was really quite simple – smart and funny go a long way, and honest goes the farthest. If you’re interested in having sex, just say so. They’re going to assume that’s what you want anyway, so being honest and not creepy about it is a big step up. Plus you have a job and don’t live with your mom, which is quite the rarety among 20-somethings.

  54. 54.

    encephalopath

    August 30, 2012 at 12:52 am

    Try some racing. It can be pretty dramatic and diverting at times?

    http://youtu.be/CqOh_IQvupA

  55. 55.

    ? Martin

    August 30, 2012 at 12:52 am

    @suzanne:

    I learned more from the purple dinosaur.

    I thought Rush was skipping the RNC?

  56. 56.

    TheMightyTrowel

    August 30, 2012 at 12:53 am

    As a red head with freckles (but not green eyes)… I met my partner when i was 23 and he was 35. When we moved in together and merged our CD collections, we found that we did not have a single CD or artist in common. We’re still together 7 years later and he’s moving around the world to be with me. If you’re both on the same page, it works.

  57. 57.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl)

    August 30, 2012 at 12:53 am

    @Corner Stone: Wait, what’s wrong with 5’8″ women?

  58. 58.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 12:56 am

    OT: How about a Mormon bible quote that will warm the hearts of the evangelicals?

    “Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth.” – Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 14:10

    Yeah, that ought to bring the evangelical vote home for Mitty!

  59. 59.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    August 30, 2012 at 12:57 am

    @Hill Dweller: Oh, Ryan lied with every breath, but he stared directly into the camera the whole time with steely blue eyes. He even made a joke about Romney’s ipod. Ryan said his ipod is better b/c it had AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. Lawrence O’Donnell and Michael Steele lapped up the entirety of his speech, too. Fucking worthless. Fortunately John Stewart had an awesome opening tonight about last night’s “We Built This” theme.

  60. 60.

    Anne Laurie

    August 30, 2012 at 12:58 am

    @rb:

    Good man, Cole. Maybe she’ll tell her older sister divorced mom about you ;)

    Don’t underestimate the cougar demographic… just ask Ben Franklin.

  61. 61.

    WaterGirl

    August 30, 2012 at 12:58 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: OT, but I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. My internet connection was down for 24 hours (24 hours!) so I have no idea if you have provided us with a recent update.

  62. 62.

    Haydnseek

    August 30, 2012 at 12:59 am

    Ya know John, you’re alright. I wish I could have been there. (As your wingman, of course!) But all seriousness aside. You set the tone for this joint, and that’s no small reason why we’re here.

  63. 63.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl)

    August 30, 2012 at 1:00 am

    @? Martin: Speaking on behalf of older redheaded women everywhere(my eyes are green, does that count)….Hah, who needs a girl in her 20’s?! There’s plenty of us out there in our 30’s and 40’s that would have split the cost of the shots, been able to have a fantastically erudite conversation (even when drunk) AND would have given Cole a roll in the hay he would NEVER forget. That’s what a woman can do that a “girl” can’t. ;)

  64. 64.

    WaterGirl

    August 30, 2012 at 1:00 am

    @BGinCHI: Hmm. Somehow I never pictured you with freckles.

    Now that I think of it, I don’t recall any freckles in the photo of you and the new baby. Poetic license?

  65. 65.

    Kane

    August 30, 2012 at 1:01 am

    Lawrence O’Donnell arguing that Paul Ryan’s speech was “truly exciting,” and that the lies of the speech don’t really matter because those lies are easier to say than it is for Democrats to refute them. Shoot me now.

  66. 66.

    Godlesssailor

    August 30, 2012 at 1:01 am

    @? Martin:

    the girls that want honesty, smart, and funny, know (a) guys their age are uninteresting and (b) know that it’s not permanent, and more importantly – that you are not out to control them, just to experience them. Short term and experience = everything that the 20’s should be about.

    Plus You have multiple pets! EMPATHY !!! You Are Not A Psycho!

    Plus Breakfast, and your culinary skills . . . One has to say “Shit Mr. Cole why not, life is experience.” It’s good to have someone fall for you.

    42 years here.

  67. 67.

    TheMightyTrowel

    August 30, 2012 at 1:02 am

    @WaterGirl: sweat and road dust from hitch hiking to W Va

  68. 68.

    Haydnseek

    August 30, 2012 at 1:02 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Doesn’t it though? Bye the bye, great username. Wish I had thought of it…

  69. 69.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl)

    August 30, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Cole, I stayed home tonight and imbibed some tequila myself while I perused the news on the RNC and caught up on Stewart and Colbert. As a 42 year old redhead with green eyes I have to be honest and say if a 21 year old hottie came up to me and wanted me to buy him drinks…I would have tried to hit that hard. Just sayin….

    Seriously though, I am glad you had a good time. If you were closer I’d buy YOU a drink, no strings attached.

  70. 70.

    Hal

    August 30, 2012 at 1:04 am

    I’m still stuck on Ann Romney’s women comment. Just so stupid. She reminded me of Effie Trinket in the Hunger Games. Ann Romney, just please stop pretending you’re one of the little people and start gathering the kids up to fight to the death in the damn arena already.

  71. 71.

    Spaghetti Lee

    August 30, 2012 at 1:07 am

    Question: Have there been any online parodies of the “We Built This” slogan revolving around “We Built This City” by Starship? Because there should be.

  72. 72.

    Comrade Dread

    August 30, 2012 at 1:07 am

    I Just Got Drunk Instead

    Smart man.

    young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot. I said sure, then ordered some shots.

    Smartest man in the room. Good on you, John.

  73. 73.

    d0n camillo

    August 30, 2012 at 1:08 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: “Here come back to my place and let me show you my blog.”

  74. 74.

    Haydnseek

    August 30, 2012 at 1:09 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: And while she’s there, don’t forget to mention those “raised beds.” If that doesn’t work, nothing will.

  75. 75.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 1:16 am

    @suzanne: Wingnuts on hoverrounds, we get pictures. But hot chicks, not so much. Oy.

    @archpundit: No soup for you tonight.

    @Godlesssailor: “Fat cat”? God, I hope that’s not the Cole code for his todger. Though it would explain the hermitage.

    @mai naem: Rancid Penis. Heh, that just never gets old.

    He always seems a little tipsy to me. Well if this whole RNC thing doesn’t work out (and I suspect it won’t) he can always be the Foster Brooks of the new generation.

  76. 76.

    seaboogie

    August 30, 2012 at 1:17 am

    @BGinCHI: I want to make this blog breakfast in the morning…

  77. 77.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    August 30, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Ah, Cole. You remind me of me.

  78. 78.

    dance around in your bones

    August 30, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Especially since it ended at shots. I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    Dude, you two would fuck. It’s rather simple.

    And I bet you’d find stuff to talk about after. Or at least have a cigarette and pet the doggies (perhaps fend off the large kitteh).

    I think you sell yourself short – SHE came up to YOU (ok, maybe for the free drinks) but obviously she saw something in your pissed-off face that intrigued her.

    You gotta roll with it, baby.

  79. 79.

    Haydnseek

    August 30, 2012 at 1:21 am

    @Kane: Really? O’Donnell? Aw, HELL no! I didn’t see it, but unlike Mittens word, I’ll take your word for it…Next thing you know, Rachel Maddow will go all gooshy about Queen Ann. Say it ain’t so…

  80. 80.

    Corner Stone

    August 30, 2012 at 1:27 am

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl): Absolutely nothing. I’m just interested in a different experience.

  81. 81.

    ? Martin

    August 30, 2012 at 1:32 am

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl): I’m not necessarily advocating for 21 year-olds, just saying that if an interested one appears, to not give up on account of her age.

  82. 82.

    Death Panel Truck

    August 30, 2012 at 1:33 am

    @Phaerisee: Thanks for the link. I saw that once, but it was years ago. I don’t know which is more batshit crazy, Mormonism or Scientology.

  83. 83.

    trollhattan

    August 30, 2012 at 1:35 am

    @Roger Moore:

    Addl. detail: “The cat’s bigger than either dog. No, really!”

  84. 84.

    Death Panel Truck

    August 30, 2012 at 1:35 am

    @dance around in your bones:

    (ok, maybe for the free drinks)

    In the words of Deputy Marshall Sam McCloud of Taos, New Mexico: “There ya go.”

  85. 85.

    trollhattan

    August 30, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Speaking of redheads, I am in lurve with Neko Case. That is all.

  86. 86.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    August 30, 2012 at 1:44 am

    @Death Panel Truck: There’s this video about the Xenu story that’s pretty hilarious.

  87. 87.

    Mark S.

    August 30, 2012 at 1:45 am

    Watching a couple minutes of Ryan’s speech, he reminds me of a freshman going to his first Homecoming dance: a suit that doesn’t fit, too much gel in his hair, a squeaky, kind of awkward voice. Gravitas, he has none.

    Of course, National Review all got boners. Guys, comparing every fucking moron to Reagan isn’t exactly paying tribute to your dead hero.

  88. 88.

    Godlesssailor

    August 30, 2012 at 1:48 am

    Listening to Englishtown ’77 here

    http://archive.org/details/gd1977-09-03.aud.wagner.minches.91650.flac16

  89. 89.

    Death Panel Truck

    August 30, 2012 at 1:52 am

    @The prophet Nostradumbass: Okay, I’ve made up my mind. Scientology is more batshit crazy than Mormonism (if only slightly.)

    “Goof the floof”?

  90. 90.

    Hill Dweller

    August 30, 2012 at 1:53 am

    @Mark S.: I hope the Obama campaign hammers Ryan for his brazen lying, because I don’t think the media will do it.

  91. 91.

    dance around in your bones

    August 30, 2012 at 1:53 am

    @Death Panel Truck: Heh.

    Don’t discourage the pissed-off dude. Ya never know what’s gonna happen ’til ya try!

  92. 92.

    Death Panel Truck

    August 30, 2012 at 2:01 am

    @dance around in your bones: Yeah, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what might have happened. But with us fortysomethings, mistaking the intentions of a 23 yo hottie usually doesn’t end well. ;)

  93. 93.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 2:04 am

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl): Speaking as a man (just a wee bit north of 21….okay it’s 52, dammit) who is partial to redheaded women of all ages, let me say I can do the angry fat bastard thing, and I don’t have a blog, but I can borrow one if that will qualify me for the roll in the hay, and I have all my shots, and I take the woman’s pleasure seriously, and I’m loyal, trustworthy and brave and if you’re ever in mid-Michigan maybe we could y’know, hook up, or maybe we could meet halfway, what is that, like Kansas or something? Or maybe we could- oh,um…

    ….I’m going on a bit, aren’t I?

    Damn it, back on the meds.

    And enough with the green eyes. You’re killin’ me here.

  94. 94.

    dance around in your bones

    August 30, 2012 at 2:10 am

    @Death Panel Truck: Ok, worst case scenario you get a slap in the pissed-off face.

    Best case scenario, she ends up taking care of you after you’ve had the heart attack/stroke :)

  95. 95.

    Death Panel Truck

    August 30, 2012 at 2:17 am

    @dance around in your bones: In my case, she’ll probably need one of these.

  96. 96.

    Alison

    August 30, 2012 at 2:20 am

    Help me out, folks. I need to buy a new DVD player because mine is doing something weird. Do I want “progressive scan”?

  97. 97.

    TheMightyTrowel

    August 30, 2012 at 2:22 am

    @Death Panel Truck: So you’re into that kind of kink…. wink wink nudge nudge shock shock

  98. 98.

    dance around in your bones

    August 30, 2012 at 2:25 am

    @Death Panel Truck: A defibrillator in every home!

    On the other hand, a guy on Breaking Bad killed himself with one of those when he knew the cops were on to him.

    Hmm…..

  99. 99.

    1badbaba3

    August 30, 2012 at 2:27 am

    @dance around in your bones: A while back I read that you dig the Specials. I think the song “Gangsters” perfectly sums up today’s GOP (with or without the moderates), while “Little Bitch” seems perfect for Ryan, Rancid Penis and Scott Wanker.

    Before the Rethug primaries started, I just wanted Obama to win. Now, I want heads on a pike. For reals.

  100. 100.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    August 30, 2012 at 2:30 am

    @Alison: Do you have an HDTV?

  101. 101.

    ruemara

    August 30, 2012 at 2:34 am

    @Haydnseek: Rachel was all gushy about Condi

  102. 102.

    Amir Khalid

    August 30, 2012 at 2:36 am

    @Alison:
    Yes.

  103. 103.

    Alison

    August 30, 2012 at 2:38 am

    @The prophet Nostradumbass: I do indeed.

  104. 104.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    August 30, 2012 at 2:41 am

    @Alison: If you have an HDTV, then, you may want an “upconverting” one instead. I’m sure someone will yell at me for that, but there you go.

  105. 105.

    Alison

    August 30, 2012 at 2:44 am

    @The prophet Nostradumbass: Haha. Well, what’s the basic difference?

  106. 106.

    aqualad08

    August 30, 2012 at 2:58 am

    Should have closed the deal, shithead…should have closed the deal…

  107. 107.

    Amir Khalid

    August 30, 2012 at 3:11 am

    @Alison:
    See, a DVD player without progressive scan sends an NTSC-standard picture out to the TV set odd lines first (line 1, line 3, line 5, …, line 525) and then the even lines (line 2, line 4, line 6, … line 524). A progressive-scan player sends out odd and even lines together (line 1, line 2, line 3, line 4, …, line 524, line 525).

    An up-converting player uses special magic to interpolate extra pixels into each line, and extra lines into the picture, so that it can send a HD picture out to the TV set.

    Or you could get a Blu-Ray player, which as I understand also plays DVDs.

  108. 108.

    AntKat

    August 30, 2012 at 3:15 am

    That’s the trouble with leaving your house and going out amongst ’em. Gets the juices stirring or or at the very least gets the thoughts of maybe getting a spoon to maybe get the juices stirring.

  109. 109.

    Kane

    August 30, 2012 at 3:19 am

    @Cole: Worst Penthouse letter ever! :D

  110. 110.

    Alison

    August 30, 2012 at 3:19 am

    @Amir Khalid: Thanks for the explanations! As for Blu-Ray, well…I don’t own any, and I assume the players would be more expensive. I’m annoyed enough at needing a new player at all, because I don’t have a lot of disposable income.

  111. 111.

    LosGatosCA

    August 30, 2012 at 3:20 am

    @Hill Dweller:

    You must have been too young to know or remember Nixon.

  112. 112.

    gene108

    August 30, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Had my last MBA class this night.

    It’s a cohorted program and we had a great after-party at a local bar to celebrate two years of going through the program together.

    I got back home about an hour ago.

  113. 113.

    Calouste

    August 30, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Doesn’t Cole live in a town with about 300 people? I’d say the number of 21-year old redheads there is limited to one. Two if she has a twin sister.

  114. 114.

    Yutsano

    August 30, 2012 at 3:26 am

    @gene108: No + designation? You do know where you are right?

  115. 115.

    DPS

    August 30, 2012 at 3:40 am

    I said sure, then ordered some shots.

    S0c1alist.

  116. 116.

    Linda Featheringill

    August 30, 2012 at 3:42 am

    When you’re female, young, and pretty, you don’t have to hustle for drinks. Drinks happen. So if this Sweet Young Thing came up to Mr. Cole and struck up a conversation, she probably found him interesting. There’s no need for him to feel paranoid and suspect her of using him.

    Of course, initiating the conversation does not necessarily mean she’s looking for a roll in the hay, so don’t get too excited.

  117. 117.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 3:47 am

    @WaterGirl:

    Sorry so slow in responding! I’m in the middle of repairing one laptop and loading up two others after drive upgrades. The first dose went well with no nausea, just a kind of weird ‘lag’ whenever I moved. Kind of like my mind would catch up with my body when I stopped moving. It was odd but not horrible, just no driving or the like so to be safe. It cleared up by Monday afternoon (took the MTX at 2 am Sunday) and I’ve been busy every day since. I’m taking my folic acid daily and mentally prepping for the next dose this Sunday am.

    So far so good and I hope it stays that way. If that is all there is then I’ll be happy but with my luck…

    Thanks for asking!! :)

    @Haydnseek:

    Yes it does, redheads are hot, full stop. If I was single I would have done the same (and more if possible!).

    Yeah, the name was a good one to come up with. If my real last name was Manatee I would name a son the same. ;)

  118. 118.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 3:53 am

    Even pox news holds that lying pos paul ryan’s feet to the proverbial fire. Did the sun rise in west today?

  119. 119.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 3:56 am

    @amk:

    Wow, what a catch. I can’t believe Faux said this about Ryan:

    On the other hand, to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention to facts, Ryan’s speech was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech. On this measure, while it was Romney who ran the Olympics, Ryan earned the gold.

    Did someone hack Faux’s site?

  120. 120.

    Uriel

    August 30, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Ahh, John, So you’ve finally hit the “Hey, Nineteen” period. Congratulations. Trust me,as much as it may pain ya in the here and now, realizing that you really aren’t worried about the Sturm und Drang of people who could be your children is oddly liberating.

    Ultimately, it’s comforting to know that there’s an entire generation that you have no hope to impress- So you can just basically take a few minutes to appreciate what they would have to offer if you were a much younger you, shake your head, say, “Not my business,” and then get down to the serious issue of exercising that flabby liver into a mean, lean, alcohol processing machine.

    It’s the circle of life, or something.

  121. 121.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 4:03 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Per her twitter handle @sallykohn,

    Writer. Community organizer. Progressive voice on Fox News. My tweets do not reflect the opinion of the Romney campaign.

    Apparently a DFH at pox news. Who knew?

    Whatever she is, that was one orgasmic piece (going with the cole’s fantasy tone in this thread).

  122. 122.

    Yutsano

    August 30, 2012 at 4:04 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Sally Kohn is about to get a countertop inspection. And a storm of flying howler monkeys that will make the Joplin tornado look tame.

  123. 123.

    Mino

    August 30, 2012 at 4:13 am

    Holy shit! Did the MSM conspire to commit journalism at this late date?
    Republicans are gonna be screwing themselves into the ground to counter this. I’ve got to watch Morning Joe.

  124. 124.

    AA+ Bonds

    August 30, 2012 at 4:16 am

    aboard the luxury yacht “Cracker Bay”

  125. 125.

    AA+ Bonds

    August 30, 2012 at 4:18 am

    aboard the luxury zeppelin “Cracker Ass Cracker Motherfucker”

  126. 126.

    AA+ Bonds

    August 30, 2012 at 4:20 am

    aboard the luxury starship “Colonel Whitey’s Slave-Beater”

  127. 127.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 4:20 am

    @Mino: Looks like it.


    The examiner

    Also.

    US news

    Too

    New York Daily News

  128. 128.

    amk

    August 30, 2012 at 4:30 am

    FYWP moderation.

  129. 129.

    Mino

    August 30, 2012 at 4:33 am

    CNN finally covered the racial slurs and assault on their cameraman.

    AP fact checks Ryan into a nose the length of a ship’s mast and Jonathan Bernstein chews on it.

  130. 130.

    Mino

    August 30, 2012 at 4:36 am

    @Yutsano: Is she a new hire? Wasn’t Juan convincing any more?

  131. 131.

    AA+ Bonds

    August 30, 2012 at 4:47 am

    BREAKING: AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE ROMNEY FUNDRAISING SUPERYACHT, “CRACKER BAY”

  132. 132.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 5:06 am

    @amk:
    @Yutsano:

    The token liberal at Faux? She doesn’t sound like Get Along Juan, she actually sounds liberal. Somethings wrong or I need to smoke some more weed.

    Either way, I need to smoke more weed.

  133. 133.

    raven

    August 30, 2012 at 5:36 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Yo.

  134. 134.

    Gregory

    August 30, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    Hey Nineteen
    That’s ‘Retha Franklin
    She don’t remember the Queen of Soul
    It’s hard times befallen
    The sole survivors
    She thinks I’m crazy
    But I’m just growing old

    Hey Nineteen
    No we got nothing in common
    No we can’t talk at all
    Please take me along
    When you slide on down

    I can dig it.

  135. 135.

    BruceFromOhio

    August 30, 2012 at 6:49 am

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    You don’t talk to someone like that, you just listen.

    If you see her again, ask her name, introduce yourself, be the happy easy mark. You get a seat at the banquet, at least enjoy the sights, sounds and smells, even if you can’t touch the silverware.

  136. 136.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 6:49 am

    That is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Hm, how do you know she wasn’t trying to pick you up?

    Anyway, I was wishing I could get drunk last night, too, since I was watching the convention. I could have used some young stuff attention myself! Just attention, mind you, nothing more. Gotten too old for that sorta thing.

    I ended up going to bed dreaming of my hypnotherapist with the beautiful eyes. Also too young for me. I think he’s a Paul supporter btw and a conspiracy theorist of the highest order.

    Wish we could have gotten drunk together but then you wouldn’t have met the ginger cutie.

  137. 137.

    PsiFighter37

    August 30, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Cole, you gotta seal the deal next time! Just remember that we’re all rooting for you here.

  138. 138.

    Lojasmo

    August 30, 2012 at 6:51 am

    @Anne Laurie: @Amir Khalid:

    This. Get blue ray. Most have all kinds of widgets like netflix and Hulu+ built in. We ditched cable, and saving $100 a month never felt so good.

  139. 139.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 6:55 am

    @BruceFromOhio:

    You don’t talk to someone like that, you just listen.

    YEP! John, listen to this man! Feign interest as well. :)

  140. 140.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Still pissed that my MST3k clip (Crow on: Women Women Women) got stuck forever in moderation hell a few days ago.

  141. 141.

    BruceFromOhio

    August 30, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: “YOU are with US, or with the TERRORISTS!”

  142. 142.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    August 30, 2012 at 7:27 am

    @AA+ Bonds:

    I call bullshit, that hot tub is too small for one rich ego and three hookers.

    @raven:

    Yo! :)

    @BruceFromOhio:

    Hmmm, the crazies or terrorists? Wow, what a tough choice. ;p

  143. 143.

    Cassidy

    August 30, 2012 at 7:50 am

    You’re killin’ me Smalls.

  144. 144.

    schrodinger's cat

    August 30, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Next time, show her some pictures of Tunch, no one can resist him. Also too, why don’t brunettes get any love, its always the red heads this and the blondes that.

  145. 145.

    libarbarian

    August 30, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Prof Cole,

    I’ve been a Balloon Juice reader for over 10 years – since back when we were both Republicans.

    I still believe in you. :).

  146. 146.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 10:17 am

    @schrodinger’s cat: I’m a blonde who always wanted to be a brunette – they just seemed to have more integrity, mystery, all that!

  147. 147.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @schrodinger’s cat: I’m a blonde who always wanted to be a brunette – they just seemed to have more integrity, mystery, all that!

  148. 148.

    hep kitty

    August 30, 2012 at 10:19 am

    @schrodinger’s cat: I’m a blonde who always wanted to be a brunette – they just seemed to have more integrity, mystery, all that!

  149. 149.

    flukebucket

    August 30, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Cole she probably heard your libido weeping from across the room.

  150. 150.

    The Moar You Know

    August 30, 2012 at 10:21 am

    All my life it’s been 24-year olds. Definitely didn’t plan it that way, it just happened. Which was great in my twenties. And my thirties. And then got a bit disconcerting in my forties, especially when you’re out on a date and someone asks you about “your lovely daughter” and then when the truth comes out, boy…jealousy can be an ugly thing.

    Steely Dan’s song “Hey Nineteen” definitely applies.

    If you snag one just roll with it. She won’t stay, but you’ll teach her something, and she’ll teach you something too.

    Finally ended my streak/lifestyle when an old high-school crush who’s only two years younger than I found me on the internets. We got married two years ago, when I was 44. Best move ever.

  151. 151.

    Cassidy

    August 30, 2012 at 10:46 am

    In all seriousness, you mihgt want to consider paying someone for a personal service. It’s not meant to be an insult. Get that shit out of your system and then go out and have a good time. It’s hard to meet women if you have sex on the brain even more than the average male. Secondly, as mentioned above, you have a bar nearby where hotties go. Half the work is already done. Go and have a good time; maybe you get some, maybe you don’t. But that whole getting out in public and meeting new people….probably a good idea.

  152. 152.

    Citizen_X

    August 30, 2012 at 10:51 am

    @Narcissus:

    it’s not like he has game

    Sez you. As for me,

    apparently had my typical dour face, because some young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot.

    I’m working on my angry face.

  153. 153.

    Cassidy

    August 30, 2012 at 10:57 am

    @Cassidy: You know what, nevermind. I’m a pragmatic guy, so when I run through the options, I don’t disregard anything. Fortunately, I’m married as I have no ethical issue paying for sex with a willing, of age consenting adult. That being said, your track record of injury insures you will find the one girl who is an undercover cop. So skip the pro. Go back to the bar tonight, and if she comes back up to you, you’re in.

  154. 154.

    Cassidy

    August 30, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl): Was that a not so subtle way of asking for everyone to buy another plane ticket?

  155. 155.

    forked tongue

    August 30, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Such is my determination not to read about what went on in Tampa last night that I just read 154 comments about John Cole’s failure to get laid.

  156. 156.

    Gus

    August 30, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Avoiding the convention is ridiculously easy. It’s summer. Played softball last night. Will do some grilling then housecleaning tonight. Don’t really care to hear what lies they tell. Not gonna watch the Dem one either.

  157. 157.

    Matthew

    August 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    John –

    That was a wonderful post – simple, contemplative, and true. Thanks for posting it…

  158. 158.

    WaterGirl

    August 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    This post is why we love Cole.

  159. 159.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGrrrl)

    August 30, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    @Corner Stone: Well variety is the spice of life. Marriage doesn’t usually do all that well with that kind of variety, however. LOL

  160. 160.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGrrrl)

    August 30, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    @1badbaba3: Well, that was kind of weird and cute at the same time.

    Sad to say, I don’t get to go anywhere unattended as I am a single mom of two kids, one toddler and a 9 year old. Heck, I’m lucky if I get to sleep ALONE much less have a “guest”. But if on that one night a year where I actually get to go out sans kids….nah, who am I kidding…..

  161. 161.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGrrrl)

    August 30, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    @Cassidy: Now that was funny!

    Actually, now that you mention it….kick in some extra for a 24/7 babysitter for the kiddos and you’ve got a deal /jk

  162. 162.

    dance around in your bones

    August 31, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    @1badbaba3:

    Gosh, your comment must have gone into moderation (prolly for using the pe.nis word) but I totally agree with your music choices.

    The Specials just make me wanta get up and DANCE, mothafucker!

    (Of course, I only just now saw your comment as I was obsessively re-reading this thread after linking it to a friend in an e-mail………..you’ll prolly never see this reply :(

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