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You are here: Home / Open Threads / I Just Got Drunk Instead

I Just Got Drunk Instead

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I’m actually quite impressed with my ability to avoid the RNC this year. I watched a property brothers, then a restaurant impossible, then went up the street to the bar and had three scotches. I thought it would be a sedate night, but apparently it was wing night, so the place was packed. Had a couple scotches, and apparently had my typical dour face, because some young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot. I said sure, then ordered some shots.

Sure- she was not interested in me and saw an easy mark, but you know what, it was fun. A couple scotches, a shot or two of tequila with a cute 21 year old red head with freckles and blue eyes, then going home and walking the dogs. That’s pretty fucking ok.

Especially since it ended at shots. I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

That is all. While my libido gently weeps.

Reader Interactions

162Comments

  3. 3.

    Quinn

    You are smarter than I. It’s 11 and my blood is still boiling from all the lies in Ryan’s diatribe. I should have drank to ease the pain.

  4. 4.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    Doing straight shots with a pretty redhead sounds a hell of a lot nicer than watching the GOPFAIL parade.

    Good choice. :)

  5. 5.

    Narcissus

    “Wanna come back to my place and get our tubes all spastic”

    She might’ve said yes dude.

  6. 6.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    Sounds better than watching that fucking convention.

    I watched the A’s game, then Jeopardy, then some local news. Had some Chardonnay, eyeing some Brew Free or Die in the fridge.

    I kinda wish there was a bar I could walk to.

  8. 8.

    BGinCHI

    So I drive all the way to WV, put my red wig on, and Cole bails.

    I’m never gonna meet Tunch in person.

  13. 13.

    Corner Stone

    She was fishing for an easy mark. Just tell her you have two hundred dollar bills in your pocket.

  14. 14.

    1badbaba3

    For Christ’s sake Cole, it’s the fuckin’ 21st century. Would it kill you to take (and post) some pictures? You teased us about hot babes is Madison too. How can we live vicariously with these sketchy details?

    Sheesh, where’s Hef when you need him?

  16. 16.

    Violet

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life

    What are you, a teenaged girl? You don’t have to marry her. It’s just a date. Or a hookup.

  21. 21.

    Corner Stone

    @Violet: Hmmm. No. I’m just beyond tired of Howard telling us we better tag Paul Ryan as a liar in the next 15 minutes or else we’re all screwed.

    Yeah. Why is that Howard? Why should we have to push back so hard when it’s your fucking loser ass job? You hump ass loser motherfucker.

  22. 22.

    karen

    Two things made me laugh online today – “the outlaw jersey whale” and “while my libido gently weeps.” Well done to both both of you.

  24. 24.

    Corner Stone

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    I asked my friend about this who had a 23 yr old gf. He told me, “Shit. Women our age don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. Why should I worry about it?”
    She was smoking hot by the way.

  25. 25.

    jwb

    @BGinCHI: It would be interesting to run that list against Fox News transcripts. Also the methodology on that poll is not exactly transparent.

  26. 26.

    Comrade Javamanphil

    That post was so full of fail win (or win fail…I don’t know but it made me laugh.)

    I was on stage all night performing in Sweeney Todd. There were fewer sociopaths on my stage than at the RNC.

    Also, too, Michelle Obama is a national treasure.

  28. 28.

    Hill Dweller

    I haven’t watched a second of the convention, but after reading some of the stuff on the twitter machine and other sites, I still got pissed.

    Ryan is a sociopath. He and Willard aren’t even trying to fake it. They’re just going to keep lying, knowing everyone knows they’re lying, and dare people to make them pay for it.

    I’ve never seen anything like it.

  36. 36.

    1badbaba3

    @Bnut: On second thought, he’s much more “rill America” than the zombie-eyed granny starved. He should command more respect as well. So let me be the first to propose a change:

    Romney/ Jame Gumb 2012!

  38. 38.

    Godlesssailor

    @Roger Moore:

    That’s all you have to say. Let the pets do the work for once, god knows they owe you that.

    Let Tunch or Rosie be your wingman (Goose).

  42. 42.

    suzanne

    Dude. You should have told her your story about the fun you had at the mall this weekend. I’m sure she would have splashed her panties when you got to the part about them heckling you. That’s HOT.

    I was watching the RNC, but the baby was freaking out, so I turned it off And let her watch an episode of Barney. I learned more from the purple dinosaur.

  43. 43.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    Thinking about it more, you should have invited her to your house to see your big ‘web site’.

    You do have a computer in your bedroom, right? ;)

  45. 45.

    Godlesssailor

    Also, John, it’s not that tough as long as your honest, and can crack jokes (which you can).

    I joined the Navy at 32 got out at 36, moved to the middle of nowhere midwest to use the GI Bill and got my BA, and the last year, met a 22 year (soon to turn 24) old red-head (with freckles and green eyes) who is nuts about me.

    Yes, sometimes conversation is awkward, and yes it’s not forever, we both know it, especially since I took a job 2000 miles away, and she has another year of school.

    But it’s fun, and girls now, just want to have fun, and if you are funny, and actually read books, well . . . some girls like older guys, because they dislike drama as well.

    Next time ask her if she wants to meet the fat cat and Rosie.

  48. 48.

    mai naem

    @Corner Stone: Fineman’s a twit. I’ve been finding Matthews insufferable since yesterday. It seems like he feels like he’s got kiss Republican ass because of his spat with Reince Priebus.

    Also too, does anybody think that Reince’s face always looks like he’s trying to pass a huge turd, like he’s not pooped for several days and is full of poop and it’s become all hard and dry and he’s going to cause a hemmorhoid passing the turd out. I know I’m being kind of graphic but he really has that look with his facial expression. I dunno, maybe I should email him and tell him he needs to eat more fiber. Eat Dannon yogurt with activia. Also too, Scott Walker kind of has that same kind of look. Is this a Wisconsin thang?

  52. 52.

    1badbaba3

    @1badbaba3: starver, with an ‘r’. Granny staver.
    Goddammed auto-correct and rheumatisz.

    Hmmm, prolly time for some rheumatisz medicine. Not as spry as I used to be.

  53. 53.

    ? Martin

    @Godlesssailor: I 2nd this. My dad illustrated that meeting attractive young ladies was really quite simple – smart and funny go a long way, and honest goes the farthest. If you’re interested in having sex, just say so. They’re going to assume that’s what you want anyway, so being honest and not creepy about it is a big step up. Plus you have a job and don’t live with your mom, which is quite the rarety among 20-somethings.

  56. 56.

    TheMightyTrowel

    As a red head with freckles (but not green eyes)… I met my partner when i was 23 and he was 35. When we moved in together and merged our CD collections, we found that we did not have a single CD or artist in common. We’re still together 7 years later and he’s moving around the world to be with me. If you’re both on the same page, it works.

  58. 58.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    OT: How about a Mormon bible quote that will warm the hearts of the evangelicals?

    “Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth.” – Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 14:10

    Yeah, that ought to bring the evangelical vote home for Mitty!

  59. 59.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    @Hill Dweller: Oh, Ryan lied with every breath, but he stared directly into the camera the whole time with steely blue eyes. He even made a joke about Romney’s ipod. Ryan said his ipod is better b/c it had AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. Lawrence O’Donnell and Michael Steele lapped up the entirety of his speech, too. Fucking worthless. Fortunately John Stewart had an awesome opening tonight about last night’s “We Built This” theme.

  60. 60.

    Anne Laurie

    @rb:

    Good man, Cole. Maybe she’ll tell her older sister divorced mom about you ;)

    Don’t underestimate the cougar demographic… just ask Ben Franklin.

  61. 61.

    WaterGirl

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: OT, but I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. My internet connection was down for 24 hours (24 hours!) so I have no idea if you have provided us with a recent update.

  62. 62.

    Haydnseek

    Ya know John, you’re alright. I wish I could have been there. (As your wingman, of course!) But all seriousness aside. You set the tone for this joint, and that’s no small reason why we’re here.

  63. 63.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl)

    @? Martin: Speaking on behalf of older redheaded women everywhere(my eyes are green, does that count)….Hah, who needs a girl in her 20’s?! There’s plenty of us out there in our 30’s and 40’s that would have split the cost of the shots, been able to have a fantastically erudite conversation (even when drunk) AND would have given Cole a roll in the hay he would NEVER forget. That’s what a woman can do that a “girl” can’t. ;)

  64. 64.

    WaterGirl

    @BGinCHI: Hmm. Somehow I never pictured you with freckles.

    Now that I think of it, I don’t recall any freckles in the photo of you and the new baby. Poetic license?

  65. 65.

    Kane

    Lawrence O’Donnell arguing that Paul Ryan’s speech was “truly exciting,” and that the lies of the speech don’t really matter because those lies are easier to say than it is for Democrats to refute them. Shoot me now.

  66. 66.

    Godlesssailor

    @? Martin:

    the girls that want honesty, smart, and funny, know (a) guys their age are uninteresting and (b) know that it’s not permanent, and more importantly – that you are not out to control them, just to experience them. Short term and experience = everything that the 20’s should be about.

    Plus You have multiple pets! EMPATHY !!! You Are Not A Psycho!

    Plus Breakfast, and your culinary skills . . . One has to say “Shit Mr. Cole why not, life is experience.” It’s good to have someone fall for you.

    42 years here.

  69. 69.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl)

    Cole, I stayed home tonight and imbibed some tequila myself while I perused the news on the RNC and caught up on Stewart and Colbert. As a 42 year old redhead with green eyes I have to be honest and say if a 21 year old hottie came up to me and wanted me to buy him drinks…I would have tried to hit that hard. Just sayin….

    Seriously though, I am glad you had a good time. If you were closer I’d buy YOU a drink, no strings attached.

  70. 70.

    Hal

    I’m still stuck on Ann Romney’s women comment. Just so stupid. She reminded me of Effie Trinket in the Hunger Games. Ann Romney, just please stop pretending you’re one of the little people and start gathering the kids up to fight to the death in the damn arena already.

  71. 71.

    Spaghetti Lee

    Question: Have there been any online parodies of the “We Built This” slogan revolving around “We Built This City” by Starship? Because there should be.

  72. 72.

    Comrade Dread

    I Just Got Drunk Instead

    Smart man.

    young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot. I said sure, then ordered some shots.

    Smartest man in the room. Good on you, John.

  75. 75.

    1badbaba3

    @suzanne: Wingnuts on hoverrounds, we get pictures. But hot chicks, not so much. Oy.

    @archpundit: No soup for you tonight.

    @Godlesssailor: “Fat cat”? God, I hope that’s not the Cole code for his todger. Though it would explain the hermitage.

    @mai naem: Rancid Penis. Heh, that just never gets old.

    He always seems a little tipsy to me. Well if this whole RNC thing doesn’t work out (and I suspect it won’t) he can always be the Foster Brooks of the new generation.

  78. 78.

    dance around in your bones

    Especially since it ended at shots. I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    Dude, you two would fuck. It’s rather simple.

    And I bet you’d find stuff to talk about after. Or at least have a cigarette and pet the doggies (perhaps fend off the large kitteh).

    I think you sell yourself short – SHE came up to YOU (ok, maybe for the free drinks) but obviously she saw something in your pissed-off face that intrigued her.

    You gotta roll with it, baby.

  79. 79.

    Haydnseek

    @Kane: Really? O’Donnell? Aw, HELL no! I didn’t see it, but unlike Mittens word, I’ll take your word for it…Next thing you know, Rachel Maddow will go all gooshy about Queen Ann. Say it ain’t so…

  82. 82.

    Death Panel Truck

    @Phaerisee: Thanks for the link. I saw that once, but it was years ago. I don’t know which is more batshit crazy, Mormonism or Scientology.

  87. 87.

    Mark S.

    Watching a couple minutes of Ryan’s speech, he reminds me of a freshman going to his first Homecoming dance: a suit that doesn’t fit, too much gel in his hair, a squeaky, kind of awkward voice. Gravitas, he has none.

    Of course, National Review all got boners. Guys, comparing every fucking moron to Reagan isn’t exactly paying tribute to your dead hero.

  93. 93.

    1badbaba3

    @Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (IrishGirl): Speaking as a man (just a wee bit north of 21….okay it’s 52, dammit) who is partial to redheaded women of all ages, let me say I can do the angry fat bastard thing, and I don’t have a blog, but I can borrow one if that will qualify me for the roll in the hay, and I have all my shots, and I take the woman’s pleasure seriously, and I’m loyal, trustworthy and brave and if you’re ever in mid-Michigan maybe we could y’know, hook up, or maybe we could meet halfway, what is that, like Kansas or something? Or maybe we could- oh,um…

    ….I’m going on a bit, aren’t I?

    Damn it, back on the meds.

    And enough with the green eyes. You’re killin’ me here.

  94. 94.

    dance around in your bones

    @Death Panel Truck: Ok, worst case scenario you get a slap in the pissed-off face.

    Best case scenario, she ends up taking care of you after you’ve had the heart attack/stroke :)

  96. 96.

    Alison

    Help me out, folks. I need to buy a new DVD player because mine is doing something weird. Do I want “progressive scan”?

  98. 98.

    dance around in your bones

    @Death Panel Truck: A defibrillator in every home!

    On the other hand, a guy on Breaking Bad killed himself with one of those when he knew the cops were on to him.

    Hmm…..

  99. 99.

    1badbaba3

    @dance around in your bones: A while back I read that you dig the Specials. I think the song “Gangsters” perfectly sums up today’s GOP (with or without the moderates), while “Little Bitch” seems perfect for Ryan, Rancid Penis and Scott Wanker.

    Before the Rethug primaries started, I just wanted Obama to win. Now, I want heads on a pike. For reals.

  107. 107.

    Amir Khalid

    @Alison:
    See, a DVD player without progressive scan sends an NTSC-standard picture out to the TV set odd lines first (line 1, line 3, line 5, …, line 525) and then the even lines (line 2, line 4, line 6, … line 524). A progressive-scan player sends out odd and even lines together (line 1, line 2, line 3, line 4, …, line 524, line 525).

    An up-converting player uses special magic to interpolate extra pixels into each line, and extra lines into the picture, so that it can send a HD picture out to the TV set.

    Or you could get a Blu-Ray player, which as I understand also plays DVDs.

  108. 108.

    AntKat

    That’s the trouble with leaving your house and going out amongst ’em. Gets the juices stirring or or at the very least gets the thoughts of maybe getting a spoon to maybe get the juices stirring.

  110. 110.

    Alison

    @Amir Khalid: Thanks for the explanations! As for Blu-Ray, well…I don’t own any, and I assume the players would be more expensive. I’m annoyed enough at needing a new player at all, because I don’t have a lot of disposable income.

  112. 112.

    gene108

    Had my last MBA class this night.

    It’s a cohorted program and we had a great after-party at a local bar to celebrate two years of going through the program together.

    I got back home about an hour ago.

  113. 113.

    Calouste

    Doesn’t Cole live in a town with about 300 people? I’d say the number of 21-year old redheads there is limited to one. Two if she has a twin sister.

  116. 116.

    Linda Featheringill

    When you’re female, young, and pretty, you don’t have to hustle for drinks. Drinks happen. So if this Sweet Young Thing came up to Mr. Cole and struck up a conversation, she probably found him interesting. There’s no need for him to feel paranoid and suspect her of using him.

    Of course, initiating the conversation does not necessarily mean she’s looking for a roll in the hay, so don’t get too excited.

  117. 117.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @WaterGirl:

    Sorry so slow in responding! I’m in the middle of repairing one laptop and loading up two others after drive upgrades. The first dose went well with no nausea, just a kind of weird ‘lag’ whenever I moved. Kind of like my mind would catch up with my body when I stopped moving. It was odd but not horrible, just no driving or the like so to be safe. It cleared up by Monday afternoon (took the MTX at 2 am Sunday) and I’ve been busy every day since. I’m taking my folic acid daily and mentally prepping for the next dose this Sunday am.

    So far so good and I hope it stays that way. If that is all there is then I’ll be happy but with my luck…

    Thanks for asking!! :)

    @Haydnseek:

    Yes it does, redheads are hot, full stop. If I was single I would have done the same (and more if possible!).

    Yeah, the name was a good one to come up with. If my real last name was Manatee I would name a son the same. ;)

  119. 119.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @amk:

    Wow, what a catch. I can’t believe Faux said this about Ryan:

    On the other hand, to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention to facts, Ryan’s speech was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech. On this measure, while it was Romney who ran the Olympics, Ryan earned the gold.

    Did someone hack Faux’s site?

  120. 120.

    Uriel

    Ahh, John, So you’ve finally hit the “Hey, Nineteen” period. Congratulations. Trust me,as much as it may pain ya in the here and now, realizing that you really aren’t worried about the Sturm und Drang of people who could be your children is oddly liberating.

    Ultimately, it’s comforting to know that there’s an entire generation that you have no hope to impress- So you can just basically take a few minutes to appreciate what they would have to offer if you were a much younger you, shake your head, say, “Not my business,” and then get down to the serious issue of exercising that flabby liver into a mean, lean, alcohol processing machine.

    It’s the circle of life, or something.

  121. 121.

    amk

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Per her twitter handle @sallykohn,

    Writer. Community organizer. Progressive voice on Fox News. My tweets do not reflect the opinion of the Romney campaign.

    Apparently a DFH at pox news. Who knew?

    Whatever she is, that was one orgasmic piece (going with the cole’s fantasy tone in this thread).

  123. 123.

    Mino

    Holy shit! Did the MSM conspire to commit journalism at this late date?
    Republicans are gonna be screwing themselves into the ground to counter this. I’ve got to watch Morning Joe.

  129. 129.

    Mino

    CNN finally covered the racial slurs and assault on their cameraman.

    AP fact checks Ryan into a nose the length of a ship’s mast and Jonathan Bernstein chews on it.

  132. 132.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @amk:
    @Yutsano:

    The token liberal at Faux? She doesn’t sound like Get Along Juan, she actually sounds liberal. Somethings wrong or I need to smoke some more weed.

    Either way, I need to smoke more weed.

  134. 134.

    Gregory

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    Hey Nineteen
    That’s ‘Retha Franklin
    She don’t remember the Queen of Soul
    It’s hard times befallen
    The sole survivors
    She thinks I’m crazy
    But I’m just growing old

    Hey Nineteen
    No we got nothing in common
    No we can’t talk at all
    Please take me along
    When you slide on down

    I can dig it.

  135. 135.

    BruceFromOhio

    I honestly don’t know what I would do with a 21 year old in my life (don’t get me wrong- I have a few ideas), but I sure as fuck would have nothing to talk about.

    You don’t talk to someone like that, you just listen.

    If you see her again, ask her name, introduce yourself, be the happy easy mark. You get a seat at the banquet, at least enjoy the sights, sounds and smells, even if you can’t touch the silverware.

  136. 136.

    hep kitty

    That is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Hm, how do you know she wasn’t trying to pick you up?

    Anyway, I was wishing I could get drunk last night, too, since I was watching the convention. I could have used some young stuff attention myself! Just attention, mind you, nothing more. Gotten too old for that sorta thing.

    I ended up going to bed dreaming of my hypnotherapist with the beautiful eyes. Also too young for me. I think he’s a Paul supporter btw and a conspiracy theorist of the highest order.

    Wish we could have gotten drunk together but then you wouldn’t have met the ginger cutie.

  137. 137.

    PsiFighter37

    Cole, you gotta seal the deal next time! Just remember that we’re all rooting for you here.

  140. 140.

    hep kitty

    Still pissed that my MST3k clip (Crow on: Women Women Women) got stuck forever in moderation hell a few days ago.

  144. 144.

    schrodinger's cat

    Next time, show her some pictures of Tunch, no one can resist him. Also too, why don’t brunettes get any love, its always the red heads this and the blondes that.

  145. 145.

    libarbarian

    Prof Cole,

    I’ve been a Balloon Juice reader for over 10 years – since back when we were both Republicans.

    I still believe in you. :).

  150. 150.

    The Moar You Know

    All my life it’s been 24-year olds. Definitely didn’t plan it that way, it just happened. Which was great in my twenties. And my thirties. And then got a bit disconcerting in my forties, especially when you’re out on a date and someone asks you about “your lovely daughter” and then when the truth comes out, boy…jealousy can be an ugly thing.

    Steely Dan’s song “Hey Nineteen” definitely applies.

    If you snag one just roll with it. She won’t stay, but you’ll teach her something, and she’ll teach you something too.

    Finally ended my streak/lifestyle when an old high-school crush who’s only two years younger than I found me on the internets. We got married two years ago, when I was 44. Best move ever.

  151. 151.

    Cassidy

    In all seriousness, you mihgt want to consider paying someone for a personal service. It’s not meant to be an insult. Get that shit out of your system and then go out and have a good time. It’s hard to meet women if you have sex on the brain even more than the average male. Secondly, as mentioned above, you have a bar nearby where hotties go. Half the work is already done. Go and have a good time; maybe you get some, maybe you don’t. But that whole getting out in public and meeting new people….probably a good idea.

  152. 152.

    Citizen_X

    @Narcissus:

    it’s not like he has game

    Sez you. As for me,

    apparently had my typical dour face, because some young redhead came over and introduced herself and asked “why do you look so pissed off,” chatted for a while, and asked if I wanted to do a shot.

    I’m working on my angry face.

  153. 153.

    Cassidy

    @Cassidy: You know what, nevermind. I’m a pragmatic guy, so when I run through the options, I don’t disregard anything. Fortunately, I’m married as I have no ethical issue paying for sex with a willing, of age consenting adult. That being said, your track record of injury insures you will find the one girl who is an undercover cop. So skip the pro. Go back to the bar tonight, and if she comes back up to you, you’re in.

  155. 155.

    forked tongue

    Such is my determination not to read about what went on in Tampa last night that I just read 154 comments about John Cole’s failure to get laid.

  156. 156.

    Gus

    Avoiding the convention is ridiculously easy. It’s summer. Played softball last night. Will do some grilling then housecleaning tonight. Don’t really care to hear what lies they tell. Not gonna watch the Dem one either.

  157. 157.

    Matthew

    John –

    That was a wonderful post – simple, contemplative, and true. Thanks for posting it…

  160. 160.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGrrrl)

    @1badbaba3: Well, that was kind of weird and cute at the same time.

    Sad to say, I don’t get to go anywhere unattended as I am a single mom of two kids, one toddler and a 9 year old. Heck, I’m lucky if I get to sleep ALONE much less have a “guest”. But if on that one night a year where I actually get to go out sans kids….nah, who am I kidding…..

  162. 162.

    dance around in your bones

    @1badbaba3:

    Gosh, your comment must have gone into moderation (prolly for using the pe.nis word) but I totally agree with your music choices.

    The Specials just make me wanta get up and DANCE, mothafucker!

    (Of course, I only just now saw your comment as I was obsessively re-reading this thread after linking it to a friend in an e-mail………..you’ll prolly never see this reply :(

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