Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Accountability, motherfuckers.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Some judge needs to shut this circus down soon.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

An almost top 10,000 blog!

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Another Weird Night

Another Weird Night

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As many of you know, I live in a small college town, about a block from the bar and a block from a big frat house. Tonight, apparently the frat boys were having a party, so after the bar closed there was a stream of drunken idiots yelling and hollering and throwing bottles and the like on their trip from the bar, so I did what I normally do- I sat on my porch with my high powered flashlight and shined that bitch on the loudmouths until they became quiet. I have a lot of elderly neighbors.

Then a bunch of real meatheads came by, I asked them to be quiet, and they told me to go fuck myself and to “shut up fat man I will fuck your fat wife, this is a college town.” So I did what most reasonable people would do- I told them to come over to me (“Come here, tough guy…”). They did, I asked them their names, and then I asked them if they were hungry and thirsty, invited them in, fed them some lasagna and a bunch of water, and we watched some tube and I talked to them for a while. I explained to them that I have one neighbor who is 65+, another who is in her 80’s, and that yes, this is a college town, but there is just no reason to be loud and a douchebag just because you are young. I also had it noted on the record that I, myself, had had 3 vodkas and a couple glasses of wine, but I felt no reason to be in the middle of the street yelling. Why? Because people who can handle their drink actually act like, well, adults. Not to mention no college girl wants to deal with a sloppy, violent and out of control drunk.

We ate, we watched a little Dumb and Dumber, we shook hands, they left, and they were quiet on their way home. All in all, I think this was more productive than getting in a fight or calling the cops. Maybe they even learned something.

This is how this dude rolls. Of course, it helps being bigger than most of the young punks, but it still helps being patient with idiots. I used to be one.

Reader Interactions

128Comments

  4. 4.

    pragmatism

    I found myself shaking my fist at a young whippersnapper speeding in my neighborhood. Just skipped right by that reasonable adult phase straight to McCain. Good for you John.

  7. 7.

    taylormattd

    Although I agree with everything you write, it also makes me feel like an old man sitting on the porch, muttering to myself about kids on the lawn.

  8. 8.

    Steeplejack

    Did you at least spit in their lasagna?

    ETA: I apologize, everyone. I seem to have been channeling Just Some Fuckhead for a moment there.

  10. 10.

    MoeLarryAndJesus

    Mr. Cole, I’m beginning to suspect that you’re a very cool guy. Good story.

    How does Tunch respond to an invasion by drunk students?

  11. 11.

    Yutsano

    This only proves that the massive reach of the noodly appendages of the FSM are striking to behold indeed. Through pasta we all find peace, ramen.

  12. 12.

    suzanne

    This is an interesting corollary with the sexual assault discussion going on a couple of threads ago. One dude tried to convince us all that bars are “where we go to let our ids out to play” or some such bullshit, and as such, bad behavior should be expected/excused. The vest majority of us denounced that crap. Sounds like you showed some douchebags that being young and drunk didn’t mean they also got to be belligerent and rude. Good on you.

    Hilariously, my next-door neighbor’s son is throwing a party tonight. He threw one last night, too. He was nice about it…came over beforehand and asked us not to call the cops. I told him I was insulted that he thought I would do that, as we are fun, nice people, and just gimme a beer.

  13. 13.

    LanceThruster

    Should have put something in the lasagna and gone all horror movie on them.

    I’ve dealt with sober idiots of a similar nature and any awakening of decency is temporary if at all.

    But at least you got them quiet for a bit.

  14. 14.

    Yutsano

    @suzanne: I think it’s rather polite of him to inform you, although I know you’d be totally cool with a bunch of kids having a good time next door. The CYA was a nice touch though. One never knows these days.

  15. 15.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    It wasn’t you John, I bet it was the presence of Teh Tunch. Once you were there with your glowering cat backing you up, all they knew was that they had to cooperate with you or your cat would sit on them.

    Yeah, that’s the ticket! ;)

    @LanceThruster:

    “It rubs the lotion on its skin…”

    Yeah, sounds like West Virginia! ;p

  17. 17.

    suzanne

    @Yutsano: Yeah, it’s fine. I realized later that I took beer from a kid, but…meh. He’s a transgendered modern dancer, and has a very diverse friend group. However, if he was a Young Republican frathole, I might have been less accommodating.

  19. 19.

    Gustopher

    How high powered of a flashlight? Are we talking a 3,000 lumen Firesword, or just your run of the mill bright flashlight?

  25. 25.

    piratedan

    well as John mentioned, it helps that he’s a big dude, makes it easier to handle the big stick and we all know about JC’s proclivity for walking softly…. while mopping…. nakedly…..

    It’s great that he was able to reach out to them and get them to accept the lesson… not many folks would have even tried.

  26. 26.

    ? Martin

    @Gustopher: Firesword? How 2010… XM18 with 15,000 lumens is what all the cool kids have now.

    Though my little 280 lumen single AA jobber wakes the teenagers up just fine.

    Anyone else figure that a year from now, Cole will be have a steady stream of college students at his door looking for food and telling us how much he enjoys spooning with them after a long day? I just hope he hasn’t named any of them…

  27. 27.

    Yutsano

    @? Martin: Thirdeded.

    @suzanne: I wonder. Just the act of checking on the neighbours (which honestly a Young Republican frat rat wouldn’t bother with) would be enough for me to at least respect the request. I doubt you take the beer in that instance though. There is only so much peacemaking one can do in the world. :)

  28. 28.

    Emrventures

    Unfortunately John, you are demonstrating the principle that alternative approaches to minor street and drug offenses work better, at far less cost, than lockin’ em up. That’s not what we want in this country, though. We want tough on crime, not crime prevention. All alternative crime prevention measures are suspect because they are not vindictive enough.

  29. 29.

    Mudge

    And don’t forget to mention that you are a veteran. That will calm them down. College kids are wary of veterans. All that hand to hand training and ..guns..and sometimes teh crazy.

    Just in passing, mind you. Also, keep in mind kids talk. You may have a couple dozen dropping in for lasagna from now on…they know how to behave to get it.

  31. 31.

    Jamie

    ThIs Is why we can have nice things.

    Not going to go in to it, but I similarly calmed down some drunk idiots a few nights back. It sounds dumb, but this is community. Even in SOMA, we love our loud morons, and try to take care of them.

    (I offered potato pancakes, just what I had. One of the kids was really weirded out by the concept, and was also uncomfortable with the chickpeas in the crockpot. Heathens. An orange and yaki soba worked.)

  32. 32.

    cbear

    @? Martin:

    So….tonight’s BJ discussion is on the relative merits of flashlight firepower in jacklighting college kids, huh?

    Gotta love it.

  37. 37.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @cbear:

    If you’re a cop there’s nothing like the sound of four D cell batteries rattling in the aluminum tube of a Mag-Lite as you thump the crap out of some citizen that has offended your authoratah. I’ve heard one of them used in action on a drunk that pissed some cops off and it’s not a sound I would want to hear up close and personal. I have one too, it’s nice having a flashlight that can switch into a lethal club at the flick of the wrist.

    My Mom gave it to me for Christmas. :)

  38. 38.

    Frivolous

    Really excellent behavior, John. I admire that level of kindness and patience.

    And of course it worked. That’s important, too. :)

  39. 39.

    @VividBlueDotty

    My guess is that these kids will remember this much longer than they would have remembered a fight or even getting hauled off to jail for drunk and disorderly.

    I recently got 3 young guys who were making crazy amounts of noise in the hotel room next door to be quiet by telling them “Hey guys, I know you’re trying to have fun, but you’re drunk as shit, and keeping EVERYONE awake, so just lay down on the beds and pass the fuck out, OK?”

    I think they were shocked that the “old” lady used that kind of language with them, and had even once been drunk enough to know what happens next.

  40. 40.

    AA+ Bonds

    It is very hard to indicate how disappointed I am because the code thinks I am trying to insert an image :(

  41. 41.

    Uncle Glenny

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Got a mini-maglite? It takes two “N” batteries I think, fits in your fist, and there is instruction available on how to use it in “self defense.” Sort of like brass knuckles.

  44. 44.

    ? Martin

    @cbear: Beats the “So you’ve decided to be sexually assaulted in a bar. How much is too much?” debate.

    @AA+ Bonds: I probably know the most about my flashlights, but I’m ashamed to say mine are very tiny, and worse, I prefer them that way.

    Small powerful flashlights really are great – being smaller you carry them all the time, and you can do nifty things like mount them on your bike as they’re more powerful than standard bike lights. My smallest pocket flashlight runs on one AA battery and is more than 2x as bright as that 4xD Maglite. It’s not much for self-defense, though, unless I plan on choking the person.

  46. 46.

    The Pale Scot

    I’m pretty stingy with my lasagna, and I’ve found working the action on my 12 gauge settles people down right quick.

    Ex; “Come here, tough guy…shh..cLck.” Hey! where you all going?

  47. 47.

    ? Martin

    Heh. God bless Larry Flynt. He’s offering $1M for leaking Mitt Romney’s tax returns so he can publish them. If Mitt had any soul he’d take him up on the offer, give him the returns, and give the $1M to charity. But he won’t.

    This should be fun to watch.

  48. 48.

    LanceThruster

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    The bravado of “I will fuck your fat wife” puts him in the territory of someone who pulls the wings off flys. A liquored up young person (with back-up) threatening sexual violence against someone not even involved just for the shock value is revealing something quite dark AFAIAC.

    All for the “crime” of wanting them to keep it down to a dull roar. I rememebr seeing letters in the school paper after compliants about unruly parties about this being a college neighborhood bringing money to this poor 4ss community so they’d better just shut up about. I remember a kid in my atheist group whining about how he should have gone to Pepperdine instead of this inner-city shithole because he could do more surfing.

    Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life (if you’re inflicting yourself on everyone around you). In my drunk and stupid period, the goal was mostly to stay off the radar.

  50. 50.

    LanceThruster

    That is unless he was not actually referring to legitimate rape. He might have just been bragging on his skills to woo the hypothetical Mrs. Cole.

  52. 52.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Uncle Glenny:

    Yup, it would help deliver a solid punch. I also have the one that takes two AA’s.

    I like Mag-Lites, they’re versatile!

    @LanceThruster:

    I used to be a hard partier (try to be in a local rock band and not be one!) but I left the stupid and rude to the rest of the assholes as I was busy scoring on the ladies. Being a guitarist meant that there was an ample supply of ladies trying to get their hands on my ‘axe’.

    Why fight when another “F” was readily available? :D

  53. 53.

    Yutsano

    @? Martin: Willard does not want those returns to see the light of day. He’s never going to release them I’ve figured. It should be fatal to him. The ONLY reason he’s doing as well as he is is because Obama is still blah. And socialist. And possibly Kenyan possibly not born here.

  54. 54.

    The Pale Scot

    Well John could go all Appalachia on em.

    Retina toasting high beam, pump action and mumbling something about making em “squeal like a pig”.

  55. 55.

    cbear

    @? Martin: I’m just laughing cause here we are discussing the proper amount of lumens it takes to smoke some poor drunken frat rat, and if this was a gooper blog it would be 300 comments long by now and devolve into fiery debates over the appropriate weoponary needed:

    Deuce: “That’s a bunch of bullshit, a goddamn Remington .223 just does not have the stopping power needed to make a killshot on a freshman Delta Sig past 25 meters.”

    Blackflag 5: “Well that’s because you boys in Oklahoma are a bunch of goddamn pussies and a real man don’t need a Weatherby .470 to take down an underclassmen—plus, it spoils the meat if you don’t heartshoot him.”

  56. 56.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @LanceThruster:

    Here’s some stupid:

    One night we were out partying and one of our roadies (who was an off-duty cop) was stupid enough to bring his gun along with him. We were parked at the Y(MCA) and it was prom night. Couples were leaving a local restaurant and the cop’s younger brother got a hold of the gun and for some reason went down and threatened a couple. We ran after him and asked him what the hell he was doing, telling him to give his brother the gun back. The young guy was guarding his date and they were scared out of their wits. We finally got the gun back and then told the young guy that if he wanted to he could have a ‘talk’ with Todd (the idiot who took the gun and threatened them with it) for a few moments. We stood there and let the guy beat the snot out of Todd for a bit and then dragged him off.

    The guy thanked us and didn’t call the cops. I’ll never forget that night…lol!

  57. 57.

    LanceThruster

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    Yeah, I suppose that would fall into the less than brilliant category.

    Glad it was resolved without becoming a nightmare for everybody and instead was relegated to the “we’ll all laugh about this someday” pile.

  59. 59.

    @VividBlueDotty

    @Yutsano: OMG. I am in such denial. I don’t have kids so it really never occurred to me that I reminded them of MOM. Even better!

  60. 60.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @LanceThruster:

    Agreed. The brothers are native Americans and while the older brother (the cop) didn’t drink much, the younger brother didn’t handle his firewater too well. Todd was never allowed to party with us again. One thing about Todd that was amusing was that when he drank Coors, he literally turned bright red.

    That was some scary shit, that’s for sure.

  61. 61.

    YellowJournalism

    The attitude of “this is a college town” started a small riot at my old school, so good on you, John.

    I really need to go to bed now. My kids will be up in three hours, I’m sure.

  63. 63.

    Eldilia

    I’ve been that drunk, and woken up somewhat ashamed. It’s almost never someone’s intention to ruin another’s night. So thanks for being patient, it really helps (no one ever feeds me lasagna).

  64. 64.

    JR in WV

    @Shaun Appleby:

    Researchers at U. Illinois have developed an interesting statistical tool that shows the current probability of a political outcome. Right now it shows a .983 chance of re-election for President Obama, but a .203 for Senate control.

    Good news,, bad news.

    Linky: http://electionanalytics.cs.illinois.edu/

    But it’s just as of today, and is just statistics, not a fact.

  65. 65.

    TenguPhule

    And your transformation into a true Democrat is complete Cole. The student has finally become a master.

  67. 67.

    ilsita

    OK, well, that’s bullshit.

    All this time, all I had to do was tromp around in your yard acting like a colossal ass to get invited in for dinner?

  68. 68.

    EconWatcher

    I’m an agnostic, but i do believe that the gospels in the New Testament convey a very good attitude and set of ethics for dealing with our brothers and sisters on this planet. And your handling of these guys was a very nice example, Mr. Cole. I’ll try to remember it and be a better man in my next similar encounter.

  69. 69.

    Jon O

    This is a weirdly inspiring story. I don’t know that I would have this kind of patience in the same situation, and honestly it means a lot appearing on an often-angry blog. Kudos, JC.

  70. 70.

    raven

    We’ve got a pretty decent noise ordinance in the “little” college town. A couple or years back the rental that backs up to our yard was occupied by kiddies who informed us that “bands” would be practicing there. We went back and forth and tried to be cool but, after the agreed to a time frame and immediately violated it, I had the cops shut them down. The best part was when one kid came over and gave me a whole song and dance about “you gotta respect our “art”. It’s just like your wife’s gardening”. He went on and on and we later learned the little shit didn’t even live there.

  71. 71.

    1badbaba3

    Dayum, Cole. You chill an’ all, but it ain’t the flash or the food. It’s gotta be the goddamn white mountain lion you got backing you up. ‘Yeah, c’mon big man, let’s see you say that again without that vicious beast at your side. You ain’t so tough’.

    John Cole, saving America one douchebag at a time. Marvelous.

    Tunch also too.

  72. 72.

    RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist

    John Cole, you are my moral superior. I’d have just called the cops and locked the door because I’m a dick that way about loud drunks.
    Luckily all of my neighbors now are quiet and polite. If you want a serene neighborhood I recommend surrounding yourself with elderly Jews. Even their teenage grandkids are thoughtful and considerate.

  75. 75.

    Concerned Citizen

    Bad Ass Cole! I have trouble controlling my anger. Stories like this are inspirational. Congrats.

  76. 76.

    bob h

    Not the way Clint Eastwood would have handled it.

    (If you are still having trouble sleeping I can suggest that three vodkas and several glasses of wine might be it)

  77. 77.

    Jamey

    Inspiring. Remind me to make a fuss in front of Chez Cole next time I’m drunk, hungry, and in W.Va.

  78. 78.

    HeartlandLiberal

    Geeze, John, what a Democrat you have become.

    Why, a real man member of the GOP would have whipped out the heat he was carrying and shot them on the spot for threatening him with their noise and drunkenness.

  79. 79.

    Hsquared

    A man’s true strength lies in his ability to influence the situations around him. Great job, John.

  80. 80.

    1badbaba3

    @HeartlandLiberal: Yikes! Did Cole just pull off the librul / dfh version of “stand your ground”? Hmmm, sounds suspiciously familiar. If only I could remember. Oh yeah.

    You know who else had the initials J.C. …..

  82. 82.

    Older_Wiser

    Great story, John! You were acting like the parent these kids probably still needed. Hopefully, they learned something from it.

    Yeah, they have to grow up, but sadly, left to their own devices, they’d rather raise hell and annoy everyone. They still don’t know the meaning of self-discipline. Underage and binge drinking on campus is a major problem nationwide.

  83. 83.

    gogol's wife

    You are incredible. I can’t wait to read this thread when I have the time. But I do worry about such behavior in this day and age of mass shootings!

  85. 85.

    Betsy

    That’s pretty cool, Cole. But I just cal the cops.

    And I’ve been proudly shaking my fist and yelling slow down! since about age 26.

    Old school.

  86. 86.

    Betsy

    That’s pretty cool, Cole. But I just cal the cops.

    And I’ve been proudly shaking my fist and yelling slow down! since about age 26.

    Old school.

  91. 91.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    While this is a great way to quiet the hood, I would only consider doing this if I was single. There’s no way I’m inviting any drunk strangers into my house with the wife and the kids. If anything were to go wrong then I would have been the one to have set the situation up for it to happen.

    Risking my ass? Fine. Risking theirs? No fucking way.

  93. 93.

    var

    LOL. “So what do you want to do about it?” “I want to serve you tasty food and watch Dumb and Dumber with you”

  95. 95.

    Bobbo

    Cole, I feel like you are my best friend on the internets. Kind of like how Jake Gyllenhaal is my movie boyfriend.

  96. 96.

    Bobbo

    Cole, I feel like you are my best friend on the internets. Kind of like how Jake Gyllenhaal is my movie boyfriend.

  97. 97.

    Mary Brown

    John,
    I’ve only met people who do things like that in books. Didn’t know that people like you existed in real life.

  98. 98.

    Violet

    @Killjoy:

    John Cole, Douche Whisperer.

    Fourthing or Fifthing or Sixthing or however many that this should be comment of the year. Hilarious.

  99. 99.

    RedKitten

    John, I’ve been reading and commenting on this blog for what…eleven, twelve years now? (Holy fuck…crazy, right?) And you always find ways to surprise me.

    You’re good people.

  101. 101.

    rea

    @Wrye: Where can we send him and ABL on vacation next year, gang?

    I’d like to see pics of them dancing together at the Inaugural Ball . . . :)

  102. 102.

    Eliot Rosewater

    JC needs to invite the GOP over for Lasagna
    given the numbers he may need a few apprentice douche whisperers

  105. 105.

    ExurbanMom

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: My Maglight takes FIVE D cells, and is an awesome combo of weapon and beacon of light. Got it when in the big city for awhile on business without the hubby. It always makes me feel safer when I carry it.

    John Cole, Douche Whisperer. Sounds like another of the page-refresher thingies that should go above the masthead. Killjoy FTW.

  106. 106.

    T. Scheisskopf

    I’ll bet you were nice and gentle with the bozos who jumped on stage, when you were a roadie.

    Cause that’s the way good roadies roll.

    I wonder if we met, back in the day…

  107. 107.

    Al

    And this is why eventually you’ll be seated two chairs away from Jesus Christ (let’s not get a big head, MLK is in between) while Pat Robertson cleans out the latrines in Hell with his bare hands.

  109. 109.

    dance around in your bones

    Gawd-damnit, Cole. You are fuckin’ awesome.

    Wanna get married to someone who is old enough to be yer Mom? (Recently widowed, quite likely deranged, definitely loca? but with a good heart :)

  110. 110.

    WaterGirl

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: OT, but how is it going? Haven’t heard an update since you took dose 1 and were about to take dose 2.

    Edit: I bought one of those flashlights for myself and I keep it in the car. If you get stranded, it’s a flashlight and self-defense.

  111. 111.

    gex

    Yeah. Try being a 5’0″ woman. Young men, hell, young boys, will talk shit at you. I was recently called “hairy-cock c#nt bitch” by some GRADE SCHOOLERS in our neighborhood while I was out walking my dog.

    Must be nice to be a big man who people don’t fuck with just for fun.

  112. 112.

    gex

    Likewise, it would be stupid as SHIT for me to invite a bunch of drunk men into my house. If anything bad happened, I doubt that would count as “legitimate” rape. It’d be my fault.

  115. 115.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGirl)

    Now I know how to get Cole to feed me. If you see a 42 year old redhead drunk and yelling outside your house Cole, have the lasagna ready. ;-)

  116. 116.

    Jo Hunt

    Just adding my kudos to the list – I am in awe of your conflict-management skills – an amazing tale and personally very inspiring. Right now I’m having an impassioned dialogue on Facebook with a right-leaning individual about all things politics and so far we are being civil – I’m trying to walk a similar line and it really feels good to disagree but show that you respect someone else’s opinion – I think it opens minds… (mine too)

  117. 117.

    Brachiator

    I am glad that this all worked out well. John Cole really is a saint. The food bribe probably helped a lot; the kids reaction may not have been so positive otherwise.

    Sadly, frat boys are not always so reasonable.

    Still, here all’s well that ends well.

  118. 118.

    Tony the Wonderhorse

    John, you’re the man, great story, great ending

    wish I lived near you

    ummm, no I don’t but I like you anyway

  119. 119.

    Phil P.

    This is a great story. I’m sad that I’m late to responding to it. I would have benefitted greatly from the intervention of somebody like Cole when I was at that age. I hate to admit that I was — 100% — one of those idiot assclowns. Pretty much no redeeming qualities whatsoever at that point, but I reassure myself that I’ve developed a few since then.

    On the other major topic of this thread — Maglites and the qualities thereof — I also have great appreciation for the large, 4-D sized models. Those things are badass.

    I dated a young women for a few years who for a while was a residence director at a southern women’s’ college (all you alumni and fans of the college formerly known as Peace, shout out!). Of course, being a women’s’ college, male visitation was frowned upon, even for the RDs. I got in the habit of sneaking in to her apartment late at night, with the aid of my trusty giant Maglite, of course.

    One morning at the crack of dawn I was leaving and messed up my exit route and ran into one of the campus security guards who was toting a giant Maglite identical my own. We had a long conversation in which (I thought) we did some great male bonding over the virtues of that flashlight, in terms of both illumination and general ass-kicking properties. When we parted, I really thought we were the best of buds.

    Sadly, dude apparently didn’t feel we’d made the connection that I thought we had. He turned me (and my girlfriend) in to the college administration, and she had to endure an administrative and moral critical shitstorm. Really ridiculous. Powers of the Maglite only go so far apparently…

  128. 128.

    Citizen_X

    @Maude:

    Bush would have sent in the troops.

    To somewhere in Maryland.

    we watched a little Dumb and Dumber

    Subtle, Master Cole is.

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