Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

In my day, never was longer.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / This May Be The Last Post I Ever Make on This Website

This May Be The Last Post I Ever Make on This Website

by | 104 Comments

This post is in: , ,

So I wanted to say so long and thanks for all the fish. It’s been a great run, and I have had so much fun.

You’re probably wondering why I am writing this, and the reason is simple- I just jacked Rosie for a late night bath and then shaved Tunch’s unmentionables, which keep getting matted. Earlier on today, I cut Lily’s toenails, then carried her downstairs for a bath. She was fine with it all, we had treats and lots of rubbing with towels and then a solo walk, because when Rosie knows Lily got a bath, she knows she is next, and I will not see her for 8 hours, so it means Lily and I get to do solo walks around town.

About 15 minutes ago, Rosie just forgot about Lily’s bath, and while I was chatting with DougJ, she jumped onto my lap. I said “HAHAHA YOU ARE MINE NOW” and carried her to the basement for her bath. She submitted, got her bath, and is now hiding and very pissed off at being duped- she saw the lap, but she did not see the bath coming. I then pressed my luck, grabbed Tunch, shaved out the matted areas, and actually cut his nails. I only bled a little bit.

I have successfully dealt with all pet hygiene issues in one day (THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!), and now expect to get murdered in my sleep. It was nice knowing all of you.

Oh, and btw- I am feeling better. Thank Allah.

Reader Interactions

104Comments

  2. 2.

    max

    and now expect to get murdered in my sleep. It was nice knowing all of you.

    Well, you’ve lost your pants and your hand, so maybe the animals will stick to hacking off one or both legs.

    max
    [‘Then you wouldn’t need pants!’]

  4. 4.

    phoebes-in-santa fe

    I bet you’ll still be alive in the morning. By the way, you haven’t put a picture of Tunch up lately, have you?

  5. 5.

    Villago Delenda Est

    Look, Cole, you’re not going to be murdered in your sleep.

    This is not serious. You did not piss off Tunch.

    You’re safe.

    Just never, ever piss off Tunch like you did Rosie, or you’re a dead man.

    Capiche?

  7. 7.

    Todd

    Fear the cat more. Dogs are ADD and can’t hold a grudge.

    Cats, on the other hand, nurture grudges like an oyster nurtures a pearl. The slowly build them over time.

    They’re like women that way.

  11. 11.

    JenJen

    I do not subscribe to the idea of pet revenge. You’ll see the morning, Cole.

    Great that you’re finally feeling better teh politics and stuff are starting to get pretty fun!

  12. 12.

    Corner Stone

    I’ve never understood pet owners.

    Suicide bombers? Yes, I at least understand that mentality. But pet owners?
    That’s some sick shit right there. Half furry con and half gamer con. It’s just weird.

  14. 14.

    Soonergrunt

    before you go, just shoot me the master admin account info in email, and I’ll take care of the place for you.

    Balloon-Juice 2.0:
    All Infantry Weapons pictures, Computer parts reviews, and Lolcats pictures, all the time!

  16. 16.

    Punchy

    Do you and Doug live close enough to hang out or are you just Skyping his ass?

    Also…found a baby hare in our garage. Hard as shit to get it to actually leave. Must be a freeloading 47% bunny.

  17. 17.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @John Cole:

    I’m used to only letting down one woman at a time in bed.

    Oh come now. “We had treats and lots of rubbing with towels”, how could that be anything but a winning technique?

  22. 22.

    Corner Stone

    “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore.”
    /sexy male model with a full head of hair

  23. 23.

    BGinCHI

    Cole, pic of your new Ric Flair mullet, please.

    If you’re going to go into hiding to prevent pet-on-owner violence, you gotta start with a hairdo.

  27. 27.

    Spatula

    I also was going to suggest bathing Rosie first so as not to warn her, but I see someone got to it first above.

    Also too: Allow me to encourage the use of a qualified GROOMER. This takes all the stress and pressure out of it for you, and makes you the hero when you show up to get them afterward.

    John, do you also have to deal with the emptying of anal glands? That can be just lovely, and is also best left to a groomer or vet, who around here charges just $8 to squirt out the nasty stuff.

  28. 28.

    dance around in your bones

    Say it ain’t so, Juan Griffinto Colio!

    Don’t give us a Gawd-damned heart attack.

    I’m not sure I could live w/o BJ. Plus, I am trying to read BJ whilst watching Colbert (lefty coast) and cannot fully digest this post.

  32. 32.

    cmorenc

    @mai naem:

    I knew all along you were a Muslim. You’ll get your 72 virgins if you die tonite

    Unfortunately, the mullahs who promulgated this particular tenet of Islam misinterpreted a key passage from the original Arabic text. Instead of promising “72 virgins” to especially deserving martyrs, it promised “72 sturgeons”.

  34. 34.

    arguingwithsignposts

    @lamh35: It’s almost like he’s had years of practice handling questions from members of the press. Like he’s some kind of politician or something. I know it’s hard to remember what one’s supposed to act like when all people have been exposed to over the last two years are the charlatans, wackos and entitled idiots on the GOP side, but, there ya go.

  38. 38.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGirl)

    I have successfully dealt with all pet hygiene issues in one day (THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!)

    Sniff, sniff….our little boy has grown up! It went by too fast.

    Btw, I wholeheartedly second Spatula’s suggestion on getting a professional for the anal glad release. That is, by far, the nastiest smelling stuff EVER.

  40. 40.

    dance around in your bones

    @shoutingattherain:

    Nothing better than a shaved pu… cat.

    Ok – I just have to say this (as a woman) there is a REASON we have pubic hair – it’s kinda like a cushion – all that banging – and I will never understand the sideways Hitler mustache.

    Godwinned in 40.

  41. 41.

    Corner Stone

    @cmorenc:

    Instead of promising “72 virgins” to especially deserving martyrs, it promised “72 sturgeons”.

    That’s interesting. Because I have no idea what I’d do with 72 of either of these.
    Although I’m tilting more towards wanting a woman to talk to more than a fish to do something or other with.

  44. 44.

    Brachiator

    I have successfully dealt with all pet hygiene issues in one day (THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!)

    Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  45. 45.

    lamh35

    Obama: I Never Doubled Down On ‘Guns And Religion’

    President Obama, asked by David Letterman how Mitt Romney’s “47 percent” video compares to his 2008 comments that rural voters frustrated by the economy “cling” to guns and religion, noted that he acknowledged he had made a mistake at the time.

    “When you run for president you are under a microscope all the time,” he said. “All of us make mistakes, all of us say the wrong thing once in awhile. You know, that incident in 2008…I immediately said, you know, I regret this. I think it sent the wrong message to the country. So people understand, I think, that you’re goign to make mistakes on the campaign trail. What I think people want to make sure of, though, is you’re not writing off a big chunk of the country.”Romney has reaffirmed his hidden camera remarks, although he’s admitted he made the point “inelegantly.”

  48. 48.

    BGinCHI

    Why 72 in the virgin count?

    Do you get to the afterlife and worry about the number?

    “OK, count off.”

    “Wait, WTF, only 71? What a ripoff. I totally regret blowing myself up in that marketplace.”

    No wonder the evangelicals are so worried about radical Islam. Their only competition for Charlatan-level gullibility.

  49. 49.

    Corner Stone

    @Hill Dweller: IMO I think he’s funnier and more comfortable in himself at this point.
    I agree with you to a point but Obama kills in shit like this. He’s smart, funny, and does that little index finger and thumb measuring shit where he turns his hand side to side a little.
    That turns the women to jelly.

  50. 50.

    cbear

    I have successfully dealt with all pet hygiene issues in one day (THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!), and now expect to get murdered in my sleep.

    I wouldn’t stress so much about the dogs—they can easily be distracted with a treat or two.
    Cats on the other hand have long memories and, in my experience, tend to seek proportional revenge.
    You might want to consider wearing an athletic cup to bed tonight.

  51. 51.

    arguingwithsignposts

    @Hill Dweller:

    I think Obama was actually better before becoming President. He is way more cautious during interviews now.

    When your every statement is parsed to kingdom come in every government house on earth, you’d better damned well be way more cautious during interviews.

  53. 53.

    lamh35

    @Corner Stone yeah, see, I don’t see Romney getting any better at the interview stuff.

    Romney may have not been Prez, but he’s been running for office a large part of his life, you’d think someone like him would be better at the fluff interviews (did you see him and Ann on Live with Kelly this morning?).

    ETA: All I’m saying is that he’s freakishly good at this stuff. I can see why the GOP have so much contempt for it, ’cause off the top of my head, they don’t have anyone who compares to him in this element right now…I guess Palin could count, but she’s mostly a laughing stop in entertainment news thanks in large part to her stupidity and Tina Fey.

  57. 57.

    Corner Stone

    @BGinCHI:

    Do you get to the afterlife and worry about the number?

    Hell yeah. I’d be like, “Let’s be real. Let me borrow 7 or just give me 2. I got no business with the full count.”

  67. 67.

    LanceThruster

    Regardless of the question of your ultimate survival this night, when the time comes, you will be treated with care and dignity.

    I just finished watching “Death and the Civil War: The Republic of Suffering” on PBS. Mind boggling.

    Mitt would have privatized the whole accounting of the dead, and those unabled to pay, despite service to the Union, would be considered freeloaders and pikers and therefore scorned. Don’t know what he’d afford the Southern dead, other than more callous lip service.

  69. 69.

    cckids

    @lamh35:

    I can see why the GOP have so much contempt for it, ‘cause off the top of my head, they don’t have anyone who compares to him in this element right now…

    Huckabee is remarkably good, for a Repub. He is friendly, congenial, easy to talk to. Somewhat nuts, of course, but he can schmooze in a way similar to Big Bill. Without the brains, tho. I can’t stand most of what he believes, but he is a great interview on The Daily Show, or Colbert.

  70. 70.

    ? Martin

    @lamh35: You know that statement wasn’t bad at all. The only thing that got him in trouble was the word ‘clings’. But the whole point of the passage was to tell the volunteers in the room to not judge the conservatives they’re meeting, and to keep reaching out to them because they’ve often gotten the shit end of economic policies too.

    Sad that Clinton blew that one up on him – it was actually a nice sentiment.

  71. 71.

    Spatula

    It’s well done though…very strange but in a annoyingly cute, cloying kind of way.

    It often pleads for things like niceness and comity and will ask repeatedly where certain other commenters or FPers have “gone.” Like how would anyone else know.

    And it seems to be nocturnal.

  73. 73.

    Little Boots

    romney is doomed. that’s the thing. just doomed. we can dick around all we wand, but doomed. sorry.

  74. 74.

    jl

    Good bye, John Cole. You will be missed.

    When were the last Tunch and Rosie pics posted? If Cole disappears and they are a lot fatter, might be enough to convict.

    Quick, Cole, get the camera! At least there will be justice.

  80. 80.

    SFAW

    @mai naem:

    I knew all along you were a Muslim. You’ll get your 72 virgins if you die tonite.

    And when he shows up, it’ll be an even 73.

    @cmorenc:

    Instead of promising “72 virgins” to especially deserving martyrs, it promised “72 sturgeons”.

    Sounds fishy to me, but I ain’t gonna take the bait.

  81. 81.

    Violet

    Glad you’re feeling better, John. I’m sure the girls won’t remember a bit of the Terror of the Bath in the morning, but Tunch will have a long memory. Keep a stash of emergency catnip or a laser pointer to distract him if needed.

  82. 82.

    Corner Stone

    Jimmy Fallon just isn’t funny. And I was a class clown in school, so I’m pretty sure I’m a good judge of what is or is not funny.

  90. 90.

    handy

    @TenguPhule:

    That’s one freaking guy doing that?! Wow. And the fact that he didn’t merely do a frame-by-frame translation is all the more impressive.

  91. 91.

    TenguPhule

    @Handy: I know. 1 guy did the animation and a fan dubbed the music and sounds in. They just made several hundred million in top of the line CGI look obsolete.

  93. 93.

    Mnemosyne

    In other cat news, our friend did decide to go ahead with the $10K surgery for her cat. Apparently the vet said that the cat had a good prognosis if the surgery was successful since the cat is only 3 years old, so our friend decided to take the chance. Now we all wait to see if the gamble pays off.

    ETA: The surgery report we have so far says that the vet found several abcesses in the intestinal tract and a really big one by her stomach, but no sign of the foreign body that they assume caused the abcesses.

  95. 95.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: I think JC is abusing our Lord and Tunchness. U go rescue naow!!

    Hi hon. What could have been worst day of the week is over. Me happy and I haz cookies. :)

  97. 97.

    Calming Influence

    The number of animals you’ve tormented today, and the fact that said animals will be under roof while you sleep tonight, makes it very unlikely that you will see the sun rise tomorrow.

    It has been good knowing you, John Cole. Go with God.

  102. 102.

    kindness

    Cole is both cunning and cruel. You’re a good man though.

    Lucky you don’t have to clear the dogs anal glands. I’ve never had to do mine (my dogs) but have been told about it and don’t ever want to do it myself.

Comments are closed.