Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

John Fetterman: Too Manly for Pennsylvania.  Paid for by the Oz for Senator campaign.

This really is a full service blog.

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

Usually wrong but never in doubt

I really should read my own blog.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

Never entrust democracy to any process that requires republicans to act in good faith.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

“More of this”, i said to the dog.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

You are here: Home / 99 Douche Poltroons

99 Douche Poltroons

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I was really surprised that there wasn’t an “Obama stole the election” conspiracy theory the morning after the election, but I guess that was just shellshock, because the “unskewed polls” guy now has conspiracy theory site explaining how Barack O’Fraudo stole the election.

Speaking of poll-denying douches, Joe Scar’s “apology” to Nate Silver in Politico starts with a few paragraphs explaining how liberals are like dirty hippies and that figuring out elections is hard. I don’t think my mother would call that a real apology.

I’ll let the nutpickers among us find the other 97 douches. I’m sure there are many others but they haven’t been discovered.

Reader Interactions

189Comments

  1. 1.

    Hunter Gathers

    I may be a dirty hippie and figuring out elections may be hard, but I never fucked an intern that ended up dead in my office. Just sayin’.

  4. 4.

    Bruuuuce

    CNN points to a couple of douches, including one of their own: Judson Phillips (the guy who wants red states to boycott the Electoral College vote so that the House can select a President) and their golden boy Erick, Son of Erick, who once again notes that conservatism cannot fail, it can only be failed. Hoocouldanode?

  6. 6.

    libarbarian

    “The foreign peoples made a conspiracy in their precincts. All at once the real American lands were removed and scattered in the fray. No real American could stand before their votes: from Ohio, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Florida on, being cut off at one time. A camp was set up in DC. They desolated its people, and its land was like that which has never come into being. They were coming forward toward Texas while the flame was prepared before them. Their confederation was the Blacks, Latinos, Asians, and Single Women, lands united. They laid their hands upon the land as far as the circuit of the earth, their hearts confident and trusting: ‘Our plans will succeed!’ “

  8. 8.

    Chyron HR

    Barack O’Fraudo

    Ha ha, it’s funny because it sounds like “Obamo”, which would be the President’s name if the President was named Barack Obamo. Sheer brilliance.

  9. 9.

    SiubhanDuinne

    I’ll let the nutpickers among us find the other 97 douches. I’m sure there are many others but they haven’t been discovered.

    These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
    And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discovered.

  10. 10.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Chyron HR: I wonder how many days it took for him to come up with that one. How many more pithy names he could come up with if all of his time wasn’t being consumed by Not Getting Laid?

  12. 12.

    Violet

    If Dick Morris isn’t one of the D-bags, there’s something very wrong with the list.

    @Hunter Gathers: Can someone please refresh my memory on this story. I keep reading things like this, but I simply can’t remember what happened. Is the dead intern why Joe left office? Was he implicated?

  13. 13.

    Bulworth

    @Bruuuuce: That’s too bad. I’m old enough to remember when the Electoral College was the conservative firewall against the tyranny of the popular vote. I guess it too is now contaminated by urban voters and too many people voting generally. Only the gerrymandered House can save us from the corruption of Democracy. Believe in America.

  14. 14.

    Rob in Buffalo

    Dick Morris – My “prediction” of a Rmoney landslide would have been right except for Hurricane Sandy and Gov. Christie’s praise of the Prez. (Seriously.)

    Also, he refers to Obama’s 51%-47%, 329-206 EV victory as a “squeaker”.

  15. 15.

    Surreal American

    I’ll let the nutpickers among us find the other 97 douches. I’m sure there are many others but they haven’t been discovered.

    Every douche’s a superzero. Every douche’s a Captain Jerk.

  16. 16.

    scav

    @SiubhanDuinne: Thing is, there are far more than a tables’s worth and it would a step up if their idiocy were periodic. All of which does nothing to dim the brilliance of your statement.

  18. 18.

    Violet

    Speaking of polling, Dan Senor offers this insight:

    “There is some kind of systemic crisis today in the world of polling, I think particularly on the right-of-center polling. The modeling was way off,”

    Yes, yes, a “systemic crisis.” That’s how you explain that your polling deals in fantasy and wishful thinking and isn’t reality based.

  19. 19.

    M31

    Came here to wink at the Tom Lehrer reference, but SiubhanDuinne beat me to it, so I’ll just get this started:

    99 Douche Poltroons in the Fail Brigade,
    With a hundred and ten Times Op-Ed-ers close at hand
    They were followed by rows and rows
    of the pearl-clutching WaPo hos
    The cream of Sally Q’s famous band. . . .. . !

  22. 22.

    Richard

    Whenever something doesn’t go their way, there’s always a conspiracy theory behind it.

    Obama won because millions of illegal immigrants voted for him.

    Obama made gas prices fall before the election.

    Obama manipulated the unemployment numbers before the election.

    Obama had Andrew Breitbart assassinated.

  23. 23.

    Short Bus Bully

    Want that 5 mins of my life back that I spent reading Joe Scarborough. What a fuckstick. He’s trying to make excuses for being a flat earther; “math is hard”, and “numbers, how the fuck do they work?”

    Fuck that shit Joe, you’re just another Repub dumbass, indistinguishable from all the other dumbasses who thought W. was a good prez because you could fantasize about having a beer with him…

  24. 24.

    M31

    @Rob in Buffalo:

    Not only does Morris refer to Obama’s 329 EC victory as a ‘squeaker’ but IN THE SAME ARTICLE refers to woulda-shoulda-coulda Romney’s predicted 325 ED victory as a ‘landslide’.

    Seriously, he’s at least 50 of the remaining 97 douches all by himself.

  25. 25.

    Warren Terra

    They’ve discovered the Democratic plot to fraudulently re-elect Obama – but they have no idea how deep it goes. I hear the conspiracy is so widespread and pervasive that the Democrats were able to achieve their perfidy with aid of legion of accomplices, each of whom stuffed the ballot box with a single vote. Thus they were able to steal the election a tiny little bit at a time, almost imperceptibly, each one a chip knocked away from the foundations of the country our forefathers knew, taking us that much farther from a time when men were men and some were chattel.

  27. 27.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Violet:

    Is the dead intern why Joe left office? Was he implicated?

    No and no. But he was obviously fucking her while he was in between wives. You don’t bring in the stereotypical Southern Quack Doctor unless you have something to hide.

  29. 29.

    Warren Terra

    @M31:

    Not only does Morris refer to Obama’s 329 EC victory as a ‘squeaker’ but IN THE SAME ARTICLE refers to woulda-shoulda-coulda Romney’s predicted 325 ED victory as a ‘landslide’.

    Per Anne Laurie’s late-night thread, or maybe from something it linked, Obama 2012 beat Dubya 2012 by every relevant measure: more electoral votes, more popular votes, a larger share of the popular vote. I’m guessing Morris didn’t call 2004 a squeaker, even though flipping OH would have meant President Kerry, while flipping OH would not have meant President Romney.

  30. 30.

    Violet

    @Hunter Gathers: Sorry, the “stereotypical southern quack doctor”? I really must have been sleeping through this. I don’t know what happened. What intern? What doctor?

  34. 34.

    Schlemizel

    @Warren Terra:

    the conspiracy is so widespread and pervasive that the Democrats were able to achieve their perfidy with aid of legion of accomplices, each of whom stuffed the ballot box with a single vote.

    That, right there is the best description of our filthy little conspiracy I have heard. Of course, since you let the cat out of the bag Clinton will have to have you killed unless Obama gets it done first

  39. 39.

    TooManyJens

    @slag:

    Reporters across the political spectrum, pundits across the political divide, believed this race was too close to call.

    Oh Lord, it’s “Even some Democrats thought Saddam had WMDs!” all over again.

  40. 40.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    @Violet:

    Speaking of polling, Dan Senor offers this insight

    That would be the same person who also said this:

    Dan Senor, a top adviser to former GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, on Wednesday accused Republicans within the former presidential candidate’s inner circle of being fair weather fans, all too eager to throw Romney under the bus only days after his defeat.
    __
    Speaking on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe,” Senor called the trend “stunning,”

    Yep, Dan is just full of insights.

  43. 43.

    Schlemizel

    @M31:
    99 paltroons letting their mouth-es run
    With a hundred and ten party hacks right behind
    There were more than a thousand dweebs
    Springing up like weeds
    There were morans of ev’ry shape and kind.

    There were super fat bottomed simps like horse spittoons
    Thundering, thundering all along the way.
    Double dull maroons and big buffoons,
    Each buffoon having it’s big, fat say!

    These were filthy mouthing cro-mag, total battery
    Thundering, thundering louder than before
    paid ho of ev’ry size
    And strumpets who’d improvise
    A full octave higher than the score!

    Took a minute to come up with this but its my hobby, bad lyrics!

    Third stanza still needs work

  44. 44.

    Tokyokie

    The unskewed polls guy’s “proof” of election fraud, as near as I can follow it, is that because the late- reporting precincts went heavily for Obama, there must have been some hanky-panky. No matter that the late-reporting precincts were in inner-urban areas, and that those precincts have the highest population densities (thus the longest lines), as well as the fewest and crappiest voting devices (thus making them the last to report). It couldn’t have been that he’s a dumbshit who was wrong, it had to have been that the black man cheated.

  46. 46.

    Tonal Crow

    @Rob in Buffalo:

    Also, he refers to Obama’s 51%-47%, 329-206 EV victory as a “squeaker”.

    But of course it’d be a “historic landslide” conveying a “total mandate” if Romney had won by that margin.

    “Republican” is just another way to spell “propaganda”.

  47. 47.

    ranchandsyrup

    @slag:

    Reporters across the political spectrum, pundits across the political divide, believed this race was too close to call.

    That behavior is about maintaining access to Republicans, not because the race was actually close, Senor.

  49. 49.

    Hunter Gathers

    @Violet: An intern that Joe The Scar was schtupping fell and cracked her head in his Florida office and died from the head trauma. The ‘Southern Quack Doctor’ was the medical examiner (an odd duck, evidently) who was accused of covering something up by the locals. There’s a LOT of hearsay and rumors and what not, he had nothing to do with it, but seeing as this went on during the whole Gary Condit thing, one wonders why it didn’t get any attention. IOKIYAR.

  50. 50.

    slag

    @TooManyJens:

    Oh Lord, it’s “Even some Democrats thought Saddam had WMDs!” all over again.

    Are you suggesting that Saddam didn’t have WMDs? Unpossible! I read it in the New York Times!

    I’m not necessarily convinced our punditocracy is innately stupid. I think its biggest problem is that it currently rewards gossip mongering above all else. However, I’m optimistically taking Nate Silver’s rise in it as a positive sign that reality/solution mongering is on the upswing. rEvolution!

  52. 52.

    Felonius Monk

    Ladies and gentlemen, mistermix, and fellow Balloon-Juicers, it gives me great pleasure today to nominate a favorite son of the great state of Assholia, a true dickhead among dickheads, a jerk whose wealth is only exceeded by his stupidity. Friends and countrymen, I give you the next DoucheNozzle of the Year —
    His Assholness Donald Trump.

  53. 53.

    Villago Delenda Est

    So, the obvious rejoinder to Joe Scar is “so, Joe, have you killed any paid staffers or interns recently?”

  55. 55.

    Suffern ACE

    @Felonius Monk: Bah. Don’t give the guy such a big tent introduction. He whithers when ignored. If you want to insult trump, give the asshat award to someone else and let him know he was third runner up.

  56. 56.

    danimal

    I’ll let the nutpickers among us find the other 97 douches.

    We know where they are. They’re in the area around Fox News Headquarters and the Speaker’s office and east, west, south and north somewhat.

  57. 57.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Schlemizel:

    One of the hallmarks of Democratic conspiracies is that they usually involve literally millions of people covertly doing something.

    Like voting.

  60. 60.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Suffern ACE:

    give the asshat award to someone else and let him know he was third runner up.

    Delicious. It will work, too.

    “Carly Simon sang that song about ME!”

  61. 61.

    scav

    @SiubhanDuinne: no arguement there. we do but bask in the glow. Swiss-army knife of lyrics, there’s usually something that’ll fit the situation and has a pointy end to it.

  63. 63.

    spoonman

    Heck of a job doing your part to help unskewed poll guy try get an extension on his 15 minutes. Once they get a taste of the money to be made from wingnut welfare they always want more.

  64. 64.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Richard:

    Obama won because millions of illegal immigrants voted for him.

    Our own fucktard troll, Taco, made this very claim about the vote in Florida on election night.

    It’s like they’re all on a script, like they all have a list of talking points from the Teaintern…

    Oh, wait…they do…

  66. 66.

    Jay C

    @M31:

    Actually, as far as the latest results posted on Wikipedia, President Obama had 332 EVs to Mitt Romney’s 206
    and a percentage lead of 50.81 to 47.57 – though I can’t seem to get all the numbers to come out to 100% maths is haaard!.

    So Obama’s reelection numbers were, all-in-all, slightly better than Bush 43’s in 2004. And, thus, by Republican attitudes at the time, a landslide-with-mandate. Riiiight….

  70. 70.

    Schlemizel

    @Jay C:

    If you could be successful in getting them to admit it the next thing out of their mouth would be about how Boy Blunder worked really hard to find a compromise with Dems, particularly trying to save social security!

  75. 75.

    Rob in Buffalo

    Jay C – I think 332 (thanks for the correction, Full Metal Wingnut) EVs is more than “slightly better” than 286, especially since the latter total includes the 20 stolen Ohio EVs.

  76. 76.

    IM

    Scarborough is quite sloppy, by the way:

    Channeling former British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan who once said that a week was like a lifetime in politics, I predicted the campaign would have many more twists and turns.

    That was Wilson, not Macmillan. Macmillan said events, dear boy, events.

    If you want use quotes, just get an intern to check it.

    Of course he may dread interns now…

  78. 78.

    LanceThruster

    It’s all about “projection.” I heard a snippet of Rush the other day as he was going on about the “advice” from the Dems to court the vote of the segments that consistently vote Dem, and he insisted that compromise does not matter because A) if done, the Dems will shift the bar further to an unreasonable stance that the GOP cannot accede to, and B) the Dems will _always_ tell lies about the GOP as the “truth” about them would not an effective way to defeat them.

    Rush is textbook proof of the propaganda model in _Mein Kampf_. Accusing the opposition of the tactics you regularly engage goes hand in hand with the big lie technique. Additionally, tailoring your propaganda to the masses, and specifically knowing how to push their buttons, means that the varacity of your message is not even an issue because in the battle for the 50%+1 consensus, there’s not enough “smart people” to make a difference.

    Republicans “will never have the elite, smart people on our side.” ~ Rick Santorum

  79. 79.

    Grumpy Code Monkey

    @Warren Terra:

    the Democrats were able to achieve their perfidy with aid of legion of accomplices, each of whom stuffed the ballot box with a single vote.

    Somehow we must plant this bug in the ear of some Freeper, where it gets noticed by Drudge, and cues a full-on fright-wing freakout.

    Popcorn futures will go through the roof.

  80. 80.

    quannlace

    And let us not forget Eric Dondero, Libertarian extrodinaire, who penned that little post-election tantrum, …
    “All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. ….”

    And on and on and on…

    Think it was just after-Nov.6 bitterness? No , the stoopid continues. On his website he’s urging people to boycott all family members during the holiday season. He refuses to speak to his own brother cause he’s a Democrat. Not on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

    why do I think that they’re not that broken up about it?

  81. 81.

    Cervantes

    @Rob in Buffalo: Obama won 332 electoral votes, not 329. Romney won 206.

    Incidentally, some bright spark from the New Republic was on MSNBC — Maddow’s show? — the other night and managed to say that Obama had won the election by sixty-some electoral votes.

  82. 82.

    ed_finnerty

    not that it matters but I think you are creating lyrics to the wrong song.

    I assume the title of the post is a play on “99 Red Balloons”, not “76 Trombones”.

    that is all.

  85. 85.

    kay

    Here’s an embarrassed local Ohio Republican trying to be heard above the national election-fraud grifters on the Right, to no avail:

    Wood County is at the center of a conspiracy theory about the presidential election.
    But there is one major flaw in the theory — the numbers posted on numerous ultra-conservative websites don’t match reality.
    However, the facts haven’t kept the conspiracy theory from gaining steam and convincing more than 62,000 people to sign a “We the People” petition demanding an election recount.
    Several right-wing websites are claiming that the number of people voting for President Barack Obama in Wood County exceeds the number of people qualified to vote here.
    “The numbers are plain wrong,” said Terry Burton, the Republican director of the Wood County Board of Elections.
    The blogs, email blasts and websites have created quite a stir — at least until people look at the numbers, Burton said.
    “It’s made a splash in a small community” of people looking for any sign of a conspiracy, he said.
    The petition states, “It has become blatantly obvious the voter fraud that was committed during the 2012 Presidential elections. In one county alone in Ohio, which was a battleground state, President Obama received 106,258 votes … but there were only 98,213 eligible voters. It’s not humanly possible to get 108 percent of the vote.”
    Though becoming widely circulated, none of those numbers have any basis in reality, Burton said.
    Wood County’s vote totals, which can be found on the board of election’s website, have Obama getting 31,596 votes in the county compared to Mitt Romney’s 28,997 votes.
    Burton said the only thing he can figure is that Wood County became the focus of such scrutiny prior to the election when it was deemed a bellwether county in a bellwether state.

  87. 87.

    LanceThruster

    @slag:

    I feel that Rance Priebus should be one of the top contenders for the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    Considering just how easily the election of a candidate as thoroughly repulsive as the entity known as Willard Mitt Romeny might have been to engineer, we need to get down on our knees and thank glob that Rance was at the helm, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

    I feel, as you all do, the collective sigh of relief that the 47% turned out to be the actual number of people that could be counted on by the Romney campaign to cast their vote for him, whether out of sheer selfishness or abject cluelessness.

  88. 88.

    Schlemizel

    @ed_finnerty:

    I thought that at first too but liked M31’s first stanza so much I could not resist.

    Plus my German is not really good enough to write lyrics in

  89. 89.

    Carl Nyberg

    I want to thank the Republican Party for being so conservative.

    A less conservative organization might attempt to engage in reflection after a failed major effort.

    But learning from mistakes? Conservatives don’t do that.

    The 2014 elections are going to present some challenges, but it does not seem likely the Republicans are going to get more savvy about understanding the world.

    It will be interesting to see how GOP donors react.

    In a Citizens United world, what stops a few billionaires from creating parallel party infrastructure?

    GOP billionaires have options:

    1. Switch teams and bribe the Democrats.
    2. Keep giving money to an organization that hasn’t shown willingness to learn from mistakes & failure.
    3. Create alternative institutions that operate in parallel to the GOP institutions and plan to supplant and merge with GOP institutions later.
    4. Just be rich and go on vacation.

  93. 93.

    RSA

    @ed_finnerty:

    I assume the title of the post is a play on “99 Red Balloons”, not “76 Trombones”.

    That was my assumption, too, though I was thinking “99 Luftballons”.

  94. 94.

    Carl Nyberg

    @LanceThruster:

    I feel that Rance Priebus should be one of the top contenders for the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    I’d sign a petition to get Mr. Priebus a personal “thank you” note signed by President Obama and Senator Harry Reid.

  95. 95.

    Heliopause

    Joe Scar’s “apology” to Nate Silver in Politico

    Couldn’t even get through the second paragraph. I realize he thinks he’s being funny, but his misunderstanding of the issue is so profound that there is no nut even to pick. It would be like trying to explain three-dimensional space to a Flatlander.

  96. 96.

    Schlemizel

    @Carl Nyberg:

    1. Switch teams and bribe the Democrats.

    You have heard of the DLC then, right?

    3. Create alternative institutions that operate in parallel to the GOP institutions and plan to supplant and merge with GOP institutions later.

    And the teabaggers?

    4. Just be rich and go on vacation.

    One can never be rich enough as long as a worker still has a crust of bread to eat and a cardboard box to sleep in

  97. 97.

    Elias

    The Barack OFraudo website is classic copy and paste:

    “Democrats are known for years for stuffing the ballot boxes in the city of Philadelphia, often it is the margin of victory for statewide candidates who lose state wide as Democrats but can win the election by gaining enough votes among the million registered voters, as well as other votes cast, in Philadelphia.”

    and

    “Democrats are known for years for stuffing the ballot boxes in the city of Cleveland, often it is the margin of victory for statewide candidates who lose state wide as Democrats but can win the election by gaining enough votes among the million registered voters, as well as other votes cast, in Cleveland.”

    …

    Somebody should tell this guy about how Republican California’s 55 electoral votes would be if it weren’t for Democrats stealing the vote in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Sacramento, and surrounding burbs…

  98. 98.

    Judas Escargot, Bringer of Loaves and Fish Sandwiches

    @ranchandsyrup:
    Reaganism worked for so long because it was so hard to counter total bullshit in real-time, pre-internet. What were you going to do back in 1984, run to the library every time you had a political argument? So the RWers could create as much reality as they pleased, unimpeded. FOX didn’t start this, it just served as a lens to focus and intensify the bullshit.

    But now, outright lies are a bit easier to counter (the truth always has its boots on, so to speak). The Left also seems to have evolved a particular type of pundit who is good at showing bullshit for bullshit.

    I also think that many people are finally starting to develop the shock-proof bullshit detectors needed to effectively parse Republican talking points.

    Curious to see how far the GOP will take this new ‘alternative reality’ approach to politics. Because it’s only going to get worse for them.

    They’ve already started to sound like lunatics in sandwich boards on the sidewalk.

  100. 100.

    Schlemizel

    @RSA:

    In addition to the fact that ’76’ has some really great words that work so easily (Bassoons! or Fat Bottomed! and Thundering louder than before!) and my difficulty rhyming in German what can you do with sludge like this:
    Von 99 Luftballons
    Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
    Denkst du vielleicht g’rad an mich
    Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich

    Basically 99 balloons floating away and I hope you think about me while that is happening

  105. 105.

    NotMax

    now has conspiracy theory site explaining how Barack O’Fraudo stole the election.

    1) The site does not “explain” anything. It throws up (in all senses of the term) on the ‘net some half-baked data and a lot of trumped-up supposition with a veneer of psuedo-statistical claptrap.

    Chambers and I concluded our chat without convincing one another of our rightness. He finished by pointing out that the margins in the blacked-out states were, if you added them up, not huge: “The margin of those combined was 381,000 and change.” (The margin is slightly smaller than the population of Minneapolis.)
    __
    “I do need to put a page on the site explaining all of this,” he said.  Source

    2) It’s a money-making scam to grab the glazed eyeballs of a certain segment of the electorate and advance Chambers’ stature in the alternate-realitysphere, plain and simple.

  107. 107.

    scav

    @Schlemizel: oddly enough I’ve just enough French to make “Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich” come out (somehow) as “Damn monkey cannot lead for shit.”. Bit retroactively apt, alas!

  108. 108.

    jl

    @Schlemizel: Wow, been so many years and I can still read that, thanks.

    But I thought the songs on this thread would go more like

    99 Douche Poltroons on the wall
    99 Douche Poltroons
    Take one down and laugh all around
    98 Douche Poltroons on the wall!

    Others can type out meaner versions.

    Edit, or maybe
    99 Douche Poltroons with all the gall
    99 Douche Poltroons
    Take one down and laugh all around
    98 Douche Poltroons on the wall!

    Edit edit: never mind, that version sucks.

  109. 109.

    jp7505a

    Stealing the 2012 election is such old news. The REAL danger to the republic and the real Murkins, is Obama is already planning for his third term. Seems there is a web site/book/whatever warning the public of the nefarious plot against America(sigh,sigh). If this is for real, please shot me

  112. 112.

    ruemara

    @jl: Where’s the Ted & Helen guy who was posting a few days ago about how centrist the Republicans would get?

  114. 114.

    jl

    @jp7505a: There were panicked for crazy lefties in the Bush years insisting that the FEMA camps were for us. A certain kind of person falls for these far fetched tales.

    Even Cole… at least after midnight when he can’t get to sleep.

    Looks like that way of thinking as standard operating procedure is getting really concentrated on the reactionary right. As they indulge themselves, the low info voters who have been duped, but who mostly can think things through OK when they focus their attention, will be less likely to fall for the next goofy con game.

  115. 115.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @scav:

    I always figure, between Shakespeare, Gilbert & Sullivan, and Tom Lehrer, there’s an apt phrase for almost any circumstance.

  119. 119.

    Amir Khalid

    @Schlemizel:
    You’ve got that verse badly mized up. It’s

    Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
    Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
    Auf 99 Luftballons
    Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

    which of course means
    Do you have some time for me?
    Then I’ll sing a song for you
    Of 99 balloons
    On their way to the horizon

    99 Luftballons is an antiwar song, about an apocalyptic war that breaks out when greedy poliricians see profit and glory-seeking warriors see medals and promotions. Not too sure if it fits here.

  121. 121.

    Jay C

    @kay:

    So IOW, Wood Country, OH went for President Obama by a 51.15-47.85 margin (leaving aside any third-party/write-in votes): i.e. pretty much the exact margin he won the rest of the country by! But some wingnuts are all hair-on-fire over this place? Based on numbers apparently made up out of thin air?

  126. 126.

    Full Metal Wingnut

    @Jay C: I have a handful of Republican friends who won’t speak to me, because, being people who bought into a “mandate” in 04, I feel the need to rub their inconsistency in their faces when they talk about this “squeaker.” Is our children learning? No, no they are not.

  127. 127.

    ed_finnerty

    “99 Douche Poltroons on the wall
    99 Douche Poltroons
    Take one down and laugh all around
    98 Douche Poltroons on the wall!”

    maybe the third line should be variations on

    “take Joe Scarb down and pass him around”

    till we named all 99 of them (may have to rename it to 999 Douche Poltroons to fit them all in)

  128. 128.

    Punchy

    @Schlemizel: No no no no. He didn’t mean 2013. He said it the spring (IIRC), so he was referring to November 2012. Why would the Motor City Dickman give the Usurper an extra year to do his damage?

  129. 129.

    ? Martin

    @Cervantes:

    managed to say that Obama had won the election by sixty-some electoral votes.

    What he said was if you shifted those 60-odd EVs, then Romney would have won – which is true. Remember, EVs are zero-sum. Every 1 EV you lose goes to the other guy, for a net advantage of 2 EVs to them. If Obama failed to carry CA’s 53 EVs, he would have had 279 to Romney’s 259.

    IIRC, that was his point – the GOP needs to secure 60EVs, and many of the battleground states now look like reliable blue. The battleground is smaller than it was – and getting those 60 back is going to be damn hard without major changes.

  130. 130.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Somewhat OT, because, while this is about a douche, it isn’t about a poll-denying douche.*

    One of the Faux News bimboheads (Andrea Tarantula or something) evidently thinks food stamps are a diet plan. “I should try them, I would lose a lot of weight and look fabulous!” story at http://www.media matters.org.

    *(She probably actually is a poll-denying douche, it’s just that this anecdote was about a different style of douchiness.)

  133. 133.

    scav

    Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
    Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
    Auf 99 Luftballons
    Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

    ok, now, ley’s see . . .

    Have you ewoks time for Mitt?
    Damn monkey is a lying dick
    Ouch! 99 Luntz balloons
    Are veering into whoring cant . .

  135. 135.

    Schlemizel

    @Punchy:

    4/17/12) The musician went on to say: ”If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

    So we are both wrong, me for giving him til November. Gonna have to fix that

  136. 136.

    Uncle Cosmo

    IMO Dick “Dick” Morris needs a refresher course in math. Someone should volunteer to provide him with an object lesson in convergent series:

    Take a tire iron & beat him to within an inch of his life.

    Toss a bucket of water in his face to bring him back to consciousness, & then beat him within a half-inch of his life.

    Repeat, and beat him within a quarter-inch of his life.

    Lather, rinse, repeat. (And, pace Zeno, this would take an infinite length of time to converge…:D)

  138. 138.

    Maude

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    118, I don’t know the times. I have a hard time with my watch.
    Thanks.
    Egypt was the broker.
    Obama called Bibi and repeated US support for Israel. Okay, the left will get upset in 5, 4, 3, 2…

  139. 139.

    Llelldorin

    @Judas Escargot, Bringer of Loaves and Fish Sandwiches:

    This is spot on. We had honed outrage to a fine point to fight McCarthy and his ilk, and it took us years to switch over to the biting sarcasm that works much better against the BS that sits beneath modern conservatism. We’re just about there now (Obama’s “horses and bayonets” quip was a masterpiece).

  142. 142.

    catclub

    @scav:
    all the world seems in tune
    on a spring afternoon,
    when you’re poisoning pigeons in the park.

    Pigeons, rubes, breitbarts, whatever.

  143. 143.

    Omnes Omnibus

    With respect to all of these douches, I shall quote Oliver Cromwell: Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go.

  144. 144.

    Schlemizel

    @catclub:

    For the rubes this seems to be their song to the patroons:
    I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
    But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
    You can raise welts
    Like nobody else,
    As we dance to the masochism tango.

  145. 145.

    hep kitty

    Shorter Scarborough: MATH IS HARD

    And FU to all those libs who demanded an apology from Scarborough because I just had to read that tripe.

  147. 147.

    quannlace

    I guess I should wait for an open thread, but this just came to mind. How are things going with the BJ pets calendar? I know someone is doing it on a volunteer basis, but it is getting near the end of the year.

  148. 148.

    James Hare

    This is just ridiculous — somehow this guy can’t his head around two things just about anyone who follows elections already know:
    1) Urban areas take longer to count the votes and are typically the last precincts to report totals.
    2) Urban areas heavily lean Democratic.

    His entire premise is pointing out those two things (that have been true for every election in my lifetime) and screaming fraud. That is the complete extent of his argument.

  149. 149.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @jl:

    99 Pundits of FAIL on the box,
    99 Pundits of FAIL;
    If one gets canned by CNN or Fox,
    99 Pundits of FAIL on the box…

    (because they’ll just hire someone else, or promote from within, to keep Pound-iting the FAIL…)

  151. 151.

    MikeJ

    @James Hare:

    1) Urban areas take longer to count the votes and are typically the last precincts to report totals.
    2) Urban areas heavily lean Democratic.

    3) republican governors always make sure urban areas have insufficient resources causing everything to take longer.

  152. 152.

    dmbeaster

    @Judas Escargot, Bringer of Loaves and Fish Sandwiches:

    I also think that many people are finally starting to develop the shock-proof bullshit detectors needed to effectively parse Republican talking points.

    Oddly enough, my favorite recent example of this was the Megyn Kelly remark to Rove during his “dont call Ohio” melt-down.

    “Is this just math that you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better, or is this real?”

    Truly funny and funnier coming from the Fox anchor star.

  155. 155.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @Schlemizel:

    At Rove’s demand,
    Before you here I stand,
    Real totals in my hand….(yecch)
    And here’s what I must say:

    The vote’s complete,
    Republicans retreat,
    The stench of full defeat
    Is wafting Romney’s way.

    (ta-dum, ta-dum, ta-dumtadumtadum…)

  156. 156.

    ? Martin

    @James Hare:

    1) Urban areas take longer to count the votes and are typically the last precincts to report totals.

    Actually, that depends entirely on the state. Some states have processes (and funding) that is specifically geared toward counting high population areas and those areas can often come in earliest – our computer ballots and electronic submission of results, for example, come in a LOT faster than the paper ballots out in rural areas. What you say is true for many states, and for all of the battleground states from what I recall. Vote suppression happens in the cities, and one consequence of vote suppression is slow counts, so you’re correct in that context.

  160. 160.

    Corner Store Operator

    @slag: Is that his equivalent to ‘right wing noise machine’ or something? The context for that quote makes me think so. That said, goes without saying Halperin can die in a fire.

  165. 165.

    j

    ABC Chicago just announced that Jesse Jr. has submitted his resignation to Boehner. Boehner’s office confirms it.

  168. 168.

    divF

    @Bulworth: I think that if enough gerrymandered swing states try to move away from the winner-take-all distribution of electoral college votes, you’ll start seeing blue state legislatures voting for the popular vote option, in which they will award their EV’s to the winner of the popular vote, provided that enough states to make up to 270 EV’s agree to do so.

  169. 169.

    NotMax

    @SiubhanDuinne

    Pushed a nitpicky personal peccadillo button there.

    Among, not between.

    Between applies to two items/entities, among to more than two.

    /grammar police

  170. 170.

    ...now I try to be amused

    @jl:

    Boehner Wants Obamacare On The Chopping Block In Debt Negotiations

    My first reaction to this was:

    EAT SHIT, JOHN BOEHNER.

    Is he trying to make President Obama* hulk out? ‘Cause I can’t think of anything else he can accomplish with this.

    *I will try always to call BHO not Obama, or Barack Obama, but President Obama, just to remind any butthurt wingnuts who might read my posts who won the election.

  173. 173.

    Suffern ACE

    @jp7505a: I believe he’s planning to finally let us know who he really is and is currently forging new birth certificate with the name Brian O’Bannon. The new version has a mustache and goatee, so who’s to say it can’t be done under the constitution.

  174. 174.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @Napoleon: I wouldn’t call Helprin a failed novelist, though it’s pretty clear that (like Updike) his real calling is in shorter forms. As for “failed human,” the brilliance of his prose is more or less cancelled out by the obscenity of his politics, which slither about 6 parsecs starboard of Bibi.

  181. 181.

    Patricia Kayden

    On the Martin Bashir show, I just heard that Lindsay Graham sent a 5-page letter to the President with questions about Benghazi, including a “where were you for the 7 hours during the Benghazi incident?” or words to that effect.

    So now the President is a criminal who has to account for his whereabouts to the Rethugs? Wow. Just wow.

  183. 183.

    Brachiator

    @Shlemizel:

    Understood I was making a joke of the total douche load on that side

    Yep. Yep.

    @Patricia Kayden:

    So now the President is a criminal who has to account for his whereabouts to the Rethugs? Wow. Just wow.

    The president has not even been inaugurated, and already we’ve got the first stages of Impeachment Fever.

    It’s as though the GOP just can’t wait to jump into the dustbin of history. What a sorry end to a once great political party.

  186. 186.

    Patricia Kayden

    @Warren Terra: But you forgot the best part: Obama’s mother was so smart that way back when she gave birth to him in Kenya, she convinced a newspaper in Hawaii to announce his birth so that he could be a US citizen and thus run for the Presidency in 2008! Whew!

  187. 187.

    Brachiator

    @Patricia Kayden:

    But you forgot the best part: Obama’s mother was so smart that way back when she gave birth to him in Kenya, she convinced a newspaper in Hawaii to announce his birth so that he could be a US citizen and thus run for the Presidency in 2008! Whew!

    Who do you think taught Obama 11 dimensional chess?

    Just sayin’

  188. 188.

    Wolfdaughter

    @TooManyJens:

    Reporters across the political spectrum, pundits across the political divide, believed this race was too close to call.

    Oh Lord, it’s “Even some Democrats thought Saddam had WMDs!” all over again.

    And cherry-picking quotes from Clinton speeches in the 90s which called Saddam some sort of threat.

    To the rightwing authoritarians, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Someone in a position of authority makes an unstatement of fact. That proves that the subsequent unstatements of fact are all true, especially if a wingnut is debating one of us DFHs (who are usually correct) on a blog. Because for us, it’s what you know, not who you know.

  189. 189.

    bad Jim

    @Surreal American: Well, I got it, anyway. Of course, upon reading the post’s title, I had to play the tune and look up the lyrics, so I was primed.

    ETA:

    Jeder war ein großer Krieger/ Hielten sich für Captain Kirk

    Each one’s a great warrior, thought they were Captain Kirk

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