For Immediate Release*
SMALLWOOD, TEXAS (January 8, 2013) – A gun rights organization called the Society of Heavily Armed Resistance Troopers (SHART) wants Americans to remember that not all the victims of last month’s mass shooting were angelic first graders and dedicated educators now mourned by their bereaved families, friends and a shaken nation: Gun owners are also “collateral damage” of the shooting spree, says Flint Capp, SHART’s regional coordinator.
“As soon as we laid eyes on Obama, we knew he was coming for our guns, even after he signed legislation to expand carry permits into federal lands. Well, now he’s busted,” Capp opined. “Gun Grabber Biden is coming up with plans to collect our personal property, and Gabby Giffords is in Connecticut whining about someone shooting her in the head as if SHE’S the only one who has ever suffered.
“What about those of us who have lived in the shadow of eminent seizure of our guns for nearly four years and must now lock and load for another four?” Capp asked. “Getting shot in the head takes less than a millisecond when a bullet is fired at point-blank range from a 9mm Glock 19 semi-automatic pistol. Compare that to eight years of stark terror!”
While SHART members remain convinced that gun owners should be acknowledged as “unventilated co-victims” of the nation’s tragic spate of shooting rampages, the group’s leaders cite PR issues as the primary obstacle to gaining the widespread public sympathy they crave:
“God bless Wayne,” Capp said, referring to NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, whose post-Newtown press briefing was widely panned. “His heart was in the right place, but he went about it all wrong. We need to accentuate the positive.
“You can’t spell either ‘fun” or ‘gun’ without a ‘u’ and an ‘n,’ and I mean the English alphabet letters, not the global gun grabbers in New York City. Anyway, Wayne had a chance to put the ‘fun’ back in gun ownership and shooting, and he totally missed the boat on that.”
To address the perceived lack of positive energy on the issue, SHART is one of several pro-gun groups supporting “National Gun Appreciation Day,” emulating the “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day” event, during which conservatives ordered boxes of dead, deep-fried birds with a side of homophobia to celebrate the fast-food purveyor’s anti-gay activism. “National Gun Appreciation Day” is timed to kick off the upcoming Presidential Inauguration weekend.
Asked if the timing of the pro-gun bonanza might open supporting groups up to charges of insensitivity, particularly considering the tragic history of politically motivated violence and assassinations in the US, Capp responded with a resounding negative:
“Hell, no, and we need to double-tap all that whiny PC crap,” he scoffed. “I hear Medgar Evers’ widow is giving the invocation. If it wasn’t for guns, no one would even know who the hell she is, and now she’s almost as famous as Honey Boo Boo.
“National Gun Appreciation Day will be a blast,” Capp promised.[X-posted at Rumproast]
*ETA: “Gun Appreciation Day” is really a thing. “SHART” and the rest are fake. (Acronym change H/T: Catclub)
Is this from The Onion?
This has to be an Onion article that was mis-posted.
Yeah, leave the satire to The Onion.
“Flint Capp” reminds me of the George Carlin routine about the proper name for an NRA leader.
@Bulworth: Flattered you would mistake my own satire for the masters of the genre!
Onion would be a little more subtle, IMO. Was funny, though.
“I hear Medgar Evers’ widow is giving the invocation. If it wasn’t for guns, no one would even know who the hell she is,
Please tell me this is satire.
It’s getting so you can’t tell anymore.
I’m sure pat Lang approves. Oh, I know, his link is right here on BJ!
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
I had an idea for a book where the small group of religious fanatics used swords, with the hand guard being Jesus on the cross.
Conservatives ARE right. Culture matters.
The problem is, theirs is the culture of “real” Americans “taking the country back” with “Second Amendment remedies.”
The human mind is amazing, in that they cannot see how this is calling all the rest of us “others” and threatening to kill us if they don’t get what they want no matter what.
ETA: Poe’s Law is alive, well, and killing this country.
Smallwood, Texas. Heh.
And here is what Pat thinks
In case you don’t want to use the handy link.
@Raven: I’ve seen you mention this guy a lot, complaining that he’s on the blogroll here. I don’t know anything about him. Why do you think he shouldn’t be linked here?
I take it that “shart” is indeed the portmanteau word I thought it might be.
‘Flint Capp’ is good. However, you left out the looming peril of the gold-fringed flag. Seriously. These days, I think the knowledgeable investor is looking for ways to corner the market in tinfoil.
ETA: ‘Smallwood’. Ha ha.
Wish the rest of it were satire. Sadly, no. January 19 really is Gun Appreciation Day. Hope they all shoot their eyes out. Serve ’em right.
“Gun control”, whatever that is, is going to happen when and how gun owners, through the NRA, decide, not one minute sooner and not one measure greater. We will get a loosening on automatic weapon restrictions before another assault weapon ban.”
All true. pl
FFS, I got into moderation with my comment. I’ll edit:
I’ve seen you mention this guy a lot, complaining that he’s on the blog r o l l here. I don’t know anything about him. Why do you think he shouldn’t be linked here?
Holy (H) in SHART should be replaced by Heavily.
Conjugating verbs in English is a lost art. Today I shit, Yesterday you shat, Tomorrow we shart.
Paul in KY
I can’t believe that is a legitimate group with acronym SHART.
Must be a spoof of some sort.
Edit: Now see it is Mrs. Cracker’s work. Ha ha!
@Dr. Squid: Nearby to Peckerwood, but a shriveled up little place.
There’s a petition to revoke the NRA’s tax-exempt status.
Think I’ll mosey over to We the People and do my participatory duty.
@Southern Beale: Isn’t that MLK holiday weekend? How appropriate. Gun nuts celebrate guns on the weekend of the holiday for the civil rights hero…slain by being shot by a gun.
“SHART.” Love it.
@Belafon (formerly anonevent):
I can only imagine what the hilt and pommel would be represented by.
Isn’t shart the past tense of shit?
Just Some Fuckhead
Too easy to figure out.
@nancydarling: Not exactly. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shart
@nancydarling: No, that’s “shat”. A shart is when you fart and find out too late it’s not just a fart.
Enhanced Mooching Techniques
If you take out the obvious singles that it’s a Poe like “Smallwood, Texas” and “Flint Cap” you couldn’t tell it’s a satire, which I think is the point of it.
@catclub: You are absolutely right. Changed and H/T’d.
Would take me half an hour to unscramble the beautiful art of satire from the real insanity of the gun nuts.
What’s really scary is the “Holy” bit almost made it more believable any more.
esteban from Olema
The puerile posturing continues on both sides of the gun control debate.
I guess SHITHEADS was taken.
Machine-Gun Preacher (formerly Ben Franklin)
Thanks for the flaming.. Yes, GAD ! is a foolish and flaccid response to some reasonable attempts to reign in gun violence.
That’s not what they are worried about, I opine. Just like ACA is a small beginning, which will eventually lead to single-payer, they fear this is an inch-by-inch to total control.
Just sayin’ Don’t shoot the fucking messenger.
It’s really great that the approach they’re taking is from every angle. Although the gun nuts will wail and whine, they’re not being singled out. Everything is being considered. That’s the way to get buy-in from the public.
It took till the last paragraph before my personal satire/actual meter finally stopped wavering and flipped over to “satire”. I found the comments about Gabby Gifford vs gun owners being the real victims all too believable from the 27%.
It probably helped that I’ve never heard the word “shart”. You people keep me relevant. As much as that’s possible.
Are you sure this was for real and not a parody? Seems unreal — even though I know there are crazies out there that think this way.
Too much wrong to be believable.
@Patricia Kayden: Take in your snark meter for recalibration.
I can hardly believe it’s taken this long.
Betty’s post may be satire, but this video (via TPM) sure as hell isn’t:
“Radio Host who wants Piers Morgan deported gets heated on CNN”:
I have absolutely no idea how popular Alex Jones is in the delusional world of far-right radio, but I firmly believe that television appearances legitimize rather than marginalize even the most extreme viewpoints.
Is Jones a nutjob? A cunning huckster? An inspirational figure? No matter really. I find him and his ravings very, very disturbing.
ETA: Media Matters has more on the confrontation:
Shouldn’t arguingwithsignposts get credit for the idea (in the picture) of the “gun-signal” that brings all the trolls immediately to all gun-control threads?
Betty, Good Job.
I think one of the reasons people are having trouble seeing this as satire is that it resembles an actual post by ABL. (Don’t get me wrong, I love ABL, but sometimes she finds things that are stranger than fiction.)
Gun Control Group Releases Ad Featuring Mother Of Girl Killed In Tucson Shooting
@lamh35: Guns nuts love their penile replacements more than their children. Their actions have made this abundantly clear.
I saw that Gab Giff got grouched on by a GOP goon gall yesterday. Good grief. Isn’t that like clowning on the pope, or pulling a Moe-eye-poke on Mother Theresa?
@Randy P: Hover over the link to explain SHART and the party is over.
Should have read the comments before commenting. DOH!
Got me, Betty, but save this for April Fools’ Day.
I love one of the Poe’s Law rephrasings from Wikipedia: “Any sufficiently advanced parody is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.” — Alan Morgan
Trying to find something meaningful to say about this.
Trying to find something snarky to say about this.
Trying to find anything at all that can possibly begin to encapsulate how fucked up these people are.
… Narp. I got nothin. Fuck these people, every one.
Piers Morgan strikes me as a smarmy git, even when I saw him in Susan Boyle’s Britain’s Got Talent audition clip. As a general principle, I’d support sending him back to Britain, just because. But you should let him stay in the US if he can keep pissing off gun the gun fondlers.
This isn’t satire, but it sure feels like it should be.
Imagine if there were only an armed guard present to fire back.
Culture of Truth
How long until “Take Your Gun to Work Day” ?
I really should stop arguing with gun owners on Yahoo. It’s really just bumming me out. Don’t know why I do it.
@g: Problem is, that sounds just like something Ann Coulter would have said.
It is getting harder and harder to satirize these people.
@Culture of Truth:
I think I’m going to take that day off.
Good article by Sam Harris : FAQ on Violence
Even before reading this, it kept occurring to me the % of guns used in commission crimes verses the number of firearms actually in the possession of the US population.
@g: “Today Medgar Evers was buried from the bullet he caught/ And they lowered him as a king/ And when the shadowy sun sets on the won who fired the gun/ On his epitaph plain/ Writ next to his name/ Only a pawn in their game.”
I think that ol’ Bob was right.
Indeed, I’d be more than happy if the insufferable prat were to be deported on other grounds (the feeble CNN must have swooned for the accent). But on this issue, “the enemy of my enemy…” The same maxim applies to my implacable hostility towards Michael Bloomberg on his advocacy of national gun control/safety measures.
“SHART” is portmantotes awesome!
LOL. I think I SHART myself.
Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelly are going to go full tilt against gun violence.
My sentiments exactly. Can’t stand either of them, but if they can do something about this, more power to them.
I worry about all the different organizations. Can’t Sarah Brady, Gabrielle Giffords, Michael Bloomberg, et al., get together into one larger organization that might have some hope (slight, I realize) of matching the size of the NRA? I’ve been solicited for contributions from at least four different groups. It seems like a waste of energy and resources not to get together somehow.
@Culture of Truth:
Is it true that “Sadness Is A Cold Gun”?
But what do the 2nd Amendment Sisters have to say?
I love the politics of this. Deliberately inflaming the gun nuts, prmpting them to out themselves as wild eyed loonies.
I do think this will cleave normal Americans from the Alex Jones fringe.
The Moar You Know
@Raven: Pat Lang can go fuck himself. His talk of “city boys” is hilarious given that he is one himself, and the rest of it…well, he’s past his shelf life.
I wouldn’t normally give a shit about his link here as I’m pretty sure you and I are the only people here who’ve been to his site, but it helps his Google standings and for that reason alone I’d like to see it pulled.
Society of Heavily Armed Resistance Troopers (SHART) LOL!! I would love to see a group photo. I guarantee you the overwhelming majority hang over both sides of their hoveround.
@Violet: Not only MLK weekend, but the President is also being sworn in on that Sunday and again on that Monday. So, no way that there was not any not so subtle planning by those behind “Gun Appreciation Day”.
Polish the Guillotines
Balloon Juice Corollary #27: If there are more than five comments in a thread, three of them contain the wiener joke you were planning to post.
(Smallwood. That explains everything.)
@Raven: I admire your persistence!
@gogol’s wife: Hey, I just saw this post and that photoshop, and I was thinking about that. I’m humbled that someone remembered.
pseudonymous in nc
80% of America lives in urban areas. Time for city boys and girls to set the fucking rules.
Betty, that these assholes easily would and could say exactly what you wrote without it being fake, scares the shit out of me.
As is that!